Pay for your meal on the first date

[Politica2020]

Gals,

What do you think of a guy who on the first date makes you pay for your own meal?

Would you be surprised if when the bill came he asked the waiter to split it w/o ever saying anything to you first?

If it's clearly a date, not just friends hanging out, would it turn you off? What would you do?

[wordsmith]

I always offer to split.

[winneythepooh7]

I've never had that happen. I always offer to pay anyways, it seems weird to me personally.

[cheshrcarol]

I usually play it by ear and never expect to be paid for, but imo that kind of behavior is a little weird. If it's a first date where we're getting coffee or drinks, I would have no problem paying for myself, and have. But if he asked me to dinner, I have to admit I'd be a little turned off if he just assumed we'd split it, and I'd assume we were just out as friends.

[spokes]

the above two answers wamed my heart...........

[inmediasres]

I would hope for the opposite of cheshrcarol's response. If it were coffee, it would be no big deal for me to pay for it all. For dinner, it would be nice to have a little help.

[WorkInProgress]

I usually play it by ear and never expect to be paid for, but imo that kind of behavior is a little weird. If it's a first date where we're getting coffee or drinks, I would have no problem paying for myself, and have. But if he asked me to dinner, I have to admit I'd be a little turned off if he just assumed we'd split it, and I'd assume we were just out as friends.

I agree with this, more or less. If we've already agreed to go dutch, that's fine. I generally offer to pay for my part, and if he takes me up on that, that's fine. If he's like, "ok, and here's what you owe" I'm definitely not going to assume that he wants a romantic relationship. Little bit of a difference, I guess, but it matters.

[wordsmith]

I agree with this, more or less. If we've already agreed to go dutch, that's fine. I generally offer to pay for my part, and if he takes me up on that, that's fine. If he's like, "ok, and here's what you owe" I'm definitely not going to assume that he wants a romantic relationship. Little bit of a difference, I guess, but it matters.

Exactly. I always offer, guys rarely accept my offer to pay my share, but it's fine if they do, but I would consider it rude if the guy beat me to my offer, and was like, "Okay, pony up."

[MetFanL]

If it's lunch or just meeting for drinks for a blind date or something, I have no issue splitting. If it's an official date, I'll offer, but I'd rather not pay. For the same reasons that I want him to hold the door for me and walk on the outside of the sidewalk.

[meatwad]

I consider it a good date if the girl offers to pay and then doesn't complain or object when I pay for the whole date. That way there's not confusion and everyone's egos are satisfied. :D

[Empressallie]

I would be really turned off by this. If a guy asks you out to dinner, as a date, and expects you to pay I wouldn't see him again most likely. I usually offer to pay, but I think on a first date its the gentleman thing to do, to pay.

I think splitting costs on dating is absolutley fine, but not on a first date. I like alternating paying, I get one night, he gets another. Splitting everything right down the middle everytime is a huge pain and can be awkward.

[MollyMe]

Agree with WIP.
I think it is rude to split the bill without telling the girl. If a guy did that to me on a date, that would be the last date.
I will offer to pay my part as a nice gesture, but I think the guy should pay. I don't mind paying my part, but he is not going to win me over on a first date. It also depends on who initiated the date. If he asked me, he should pay. If I ask, I don't mind paying for all of it.
If he does pay, I will offer to buy desert, coffee, movie, etc. I will also pay for dinner later, but not a first date.

[wordsmith]

I consider it a good date if the girl offers to pay and then doesn't complain or object when I pay for the whole date. That way there's not confusion and everyone's egos are satisfied. :D

This is usually the way it goes 99% of the time. I have no problem with a guy taking me up on an offer to pay my portion, but they rarely do. Oh, well, at least I offered. Sometimes a guy will be like, "Why don't you leave the tip?" Fine, whatever. To me, the important thing is the offering. And sincerely offering, not being the girl who offers just as as gesture, and then is secretly pissed if the guy says sure. If you're a girl and offer to pay, REALLY offer to pay, don't do it just for appearances, and then be pissy if they guy takes you up on it. Generally, don't offer something you have no intention of actually following through on.

[WorkInProgress]

I consider it a good date if the girl offers to pay and then doesn't complain or object when I pay for the whole date. That way there's not confusion and everyone's egos are satisfied. :D

Yep, I like this best.

[Deavan]

Are we sure that this was a date??

[Empressallie]

Actually, come to think of it, when I hang out with my platonic guy friends they often offer to pay for me. I wonder if everyone knows I make crap money...or if they are just being nice...hmmmm....

[wordsmith]

Snort.

All anybody has to know is that I'm a journalist, and they act like I'm on food stamps and it's their obligation to feed me. :rolleyes:

[Kitty]

I don't care if I get shit for this, but I expect a dude to pay on the first date.

[Empressallie]

The guy I am seeing now pays for EVERYTHING. Finally last week I went up to the bar and bought a round and came back to the table, I wanted to contribute! He did appreciate it. And I didnt want him to think that my offers to pay were just for show.

[pisces2473]

I don't care if I get shit for this, but I expect a dude to pay on the first date.
You won't get shit. I think everyone thinks similarly.

[Krishna]

I'll buck the trend a little bit then: if I ask a guy out for the first time, I'm expecting to pay for it. If he asks me out, then I expect him to pay.

[MollyMe]

Actually, come to think of it, when I hang out with my platonic guy friends they often offer to pay for me. I wonder if everyone knows I make crap money...or if they are just being nice...hmmmm....

That happens to me too and it is not a matter of salary.

[MetFanL]

Actually, come to think of it, when I hang out with my platonic guy friends they often offer to pay for me. I wonder if everyone knows I make crap money...or if they are just being nice...hmmmm....
Mine, too. However, I make as much as they do, so I just think they're gentlemen.

[pisces2473]

Yeah, a guy friend and I went out for tea once (this was awhile ago) and he paid. I was like, I can buy myself two cups of tea! But he told me to put away my money.

[sparky88]

I would be really turned off by this. If a guy asks you out to dinner, as a date, and expects you to pay I wouldn't see him again most likely. I usually offer to pay, but I think on a first date its the gentleman thing to do, to pay.

I think splitting costs on dating is absolutley fine, but not on a first date. I like alternating paying, I get one night, he gets another. Splitting everything right down the middle everytime is a huge pain and can be awkward.


Yes, I agree with this. Also, I would add that females put a little more money into dating from the start (than most guys, maybe not all)...perhaps a new hair do, makeup, a new shirt/outfit. And, she probably spent more time getting ready. All I know, is if I put time and effort into going out with a guy (assuming they asked ME out), I would expect them to at least offer to pay. If they did not, I would receive a mixed message (is he NOT interested in me anymore, now that we spent this evening together...is this a just friends thing?).

After the first date, I like taking turns paying- not splitting the check.

[Kitty]

D has always paid for all our dates (and still does). I'll occasionally offer to pay for something - but he rarely lets me anyway. Part of that is because he makes a lot more - but I also do think it's a gentlemanly thing to do.

[pisces2473]

D has always paid for all our dates (and still does). I'll occasionally offer to pay for something - but he rarely lets me anyway. Part of that is because he makes a lot more - but I also do think it's a gentlemanly thing to do.
Yup, so does C. I'll pay for breakfast often, but that's b/c it's cheap! Dinners are mostly on him. Once in a great while, he'll "make" me pay. hahaha He also chips in for some of my groceries--if we're at the store for my house together. That's b/c he eats over a lot and I cook the food. It all evens out.

He makes a little more than me...but he doesn't have as many expenses as I do.

[mishl982]

I consider it a good date if the girl offers to pay and then doesn't complain or object when I pay for the whole date. That way there's not confusion and everyone's egos are satisfied. :D
Agreed. I certainly can't assume a guy will pay for my meal, and I will usually make sure I have the funds to go dutch or cover it all if that's how it ends up going. But 99.9% of the time, I offer to pay, the guy declines, and things work out.

[mishl982]

D has always paid for all our dates (and still does). I'll occasionally offer to pay for something - but he rarely lets me anyway. Part of that is because he makes a lot more - but I also do think it's a gentlemanly thing to do.
My D is the same way! He makes a lot more than me and feels it's gentlemanly. Not to mention he is an eating-out enthusiast so it wouldn't be fair for me to pay when he's the one who wants to eat out all the time.

[Kitty]

Yup, so does C. I'll pay for breakfast often, but that's b/c it's cheap! Dinners are mostly on him. Once in a great while, he'll "make" me pay. hahaha He also chips in for some of my groceries--if we're at the store for my house together. That's b/c he eats over a lot and I cook the food. It all evens out.

He makes a little more than me...but he doesn't have as many expenses as I do.

Yeah, we split most things...and that's why I think he still pays for all the dates. It kind of helps make them feel like dates, too. Helps keep the romance alive.

[pisces2473]

My D is the same way! He makes a lot more than me and feels it's gentlemanly. Not to mention he is an eating-out enthusiast so it wouldn't be fair for me to pay when he's the one who wants to eat out all the time.
I love how you write "My D"--b/c I was gonna say, "you're cheating on me with Kitty's D???" LOL

Yeah, C is much more into eating out than I am, I'm fine staying home and having a sandwich. He wants FOOD.

[pisces2473]

Yeah, we split most things...and that's why I think he still pays for all the dates. It kind of helps make them feel like dates, too. Helps keep the romance alive.
Awww, that's sweet. I think when we live together, we'll go out less. Going out will truly be for date-nights.

[CityGal]

When I am on a date, I always offer to pay the whole bill. If it is an expensive resturant, I offer to pay half. ha. Come to think of it, whenever I pay for the bill it is always the first and last date. I never hear from the guy. ha. Guess I should just be a girl and look away when the bill comes.

[Kitty]

Awww, that's sweet. I think when we live together, we'll go out less. Going out will truly be for date-nights.

We usually go out Sat. and Sun. night. We *try* to go out Friday night as well, but I am usually so exhausted by the end of the week that I just want to make popcorn and watch Netflix at home.

[mishl982]

I love how you write "My D"--b/c I was gonna say, "you're cheating on me with Kitty's D???" LOL
I have to spread my love around! I'm sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pisces2473]

We usually go out Sat. and Sun. night. We *try* to go out Friday night as well, but I am usually so exhausted by the end of the week that I just want to make popcorn and watch Netflix at home.
Yeah, I'm like that too. C wants to GO GO GO all weekend b/c he just sit at a desk all week. My job is tiring, so on the weekends, I want to recoup. It's a balancing act.

[pisces2473]

I have to spread my love around! I'm sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Skank. Whore!

[mishl982]

Skank. Whore!
You know that's how you like it! :p

[Kitty]

Doesn't someone else have a "D"?? Why am I blanking on this...

[pisces2473]

Biodork does.

[cache]

On an early date(as in 1st, 2nd...), I'll always plan on paying for everything, even if she asked me on the date. However, if she offers twice to pay, I'll let her.

One person usually pays when going out with friends- guys or girls. I just always remember being in HS and sitting there in a restaurant figuring out exactly how much each person owed, and now I just want to make things simple. Have one person pay, divy it up, or make up for it later. There are those people, though, who I still prefer to do it the HS way, because otherwise, they would never offer to pay, or make up for it at all.

[Politica2020]

Agree with WIP.
I think it is rude to split the bill without telling the girl. If a guy did that to me on a date, that would be the last date.
I will offer to pay my part as a nice gesture, but I think the guy should pay. I don't mind paying my part, but he is not going to win me over on a first date. It also depends on who initiated the date. If he asked me, he should pay. If I ask, I don't mind paying for all of it.
If he does pay, I will offer to buy desert, coffee, movie, etc. I will also pay for dinner later, but not a first date.


I very much agree with this and WIP's opionion. For him to do that on the first date I was offended. I was like "Ok, did something go wrong here?" He'd done the asking, if that even matters.

Sometimes guys do this to test girls. The only other guy who did this to me I never answered his calls again but thats also because we'd been talking for less time and I wasn't as much into him as I am this guy.

I also thought the feelings were mutual. Even at the beginning of the date he was complimenting me on my smile, how beautiful I was, and before meeting (this started through the internet) we'd been on im all day at work and on the phone at night.

So rather than just dump him for being such a jerk, should I casually bring it up to him and see what he says?

[shimma]

Actually, come to think of it, when I hang out with my platonic guy friends they often offer to pay for me. I wonder if everyone knows I make crap money...or if they are just being nice...hmmmm....

It's kind of good manners IMHO to treat a friend sometimes if you make significantly more than s/he. My friends that make crap money usually have shitty paychecks because they're doing something that actively makes the world better (unlike me, it's my job to piss people off :evil: ) so I see paying for their dinner or whatever as my contribution to whatever cause. :huge:

[steph78]

It's kind of good manners IMHO to treat a friend sometimes if you make significantly more than s/he. My friends that make crap money usually have shitty paychecks because they're doing something that actively makes the world better (unlike me, it's my job to piss people off :evil: ) so I see paying for their dinner or whatever as my contribution to whatever cause. :huge:
I had a friend in grad school who had two kids that he was supporting on a grad school assistantship...his funds were spread so thin that he literally often could not even spare $5 to go out to lunch with the rest of us. He was a really great friend and the rest of us often felt bad if he had to exclude himself from our spur of the moment outings due to lack of funds so we'd chip in for him so he could come along.

Back in my dating days (keep in mind I haven't dated since college) the first date was usually on the guy assuming he did the asking, and then I'd offer to split or pay my share on dates after that. My first date with my now-husband was my treat since I asked him out. After that we pretty much split things unless it was a special occasion where one of us wanted to treat the other (birthday, celebration for some accomplishment, etc.). Now that we are married it's funny - even though our money's in a joint account, he always pays the bill at restaurants and movie theaters. Except on his birthday, when I make a big ceremony about pulling my wallet out to treat him. :)

[pisces2473]

Now that we are married it's funny - even though our money's in a joint account, he always pays the bill at restaurants and movie theaters. Except on his birthday, when I make a big ceremony about pulling my wallet out to treat him. :)
Do you think it's weird though? Joint account, but you use it for each other's b-days and stuff?

I think we're going to have joint household accounts--for shared expenses and to save for things like vacations--but separate "fun money" accounts for gifts for each other, our hobbies, etc. We've been talking now about how much we should get to keep for ourselves and how much should go into the "general fund" as I call it. (I sound like I work for the state, doing the budget.)

[MetFanL]

I think we're going to have joint household accounts--for shared expenses and to save for things like vacations--but separate "fun money" accounts for gifts for each other, our hobbies, etc. We've been talking now about how much we should get to keep for ourselves and how much should go into the "general fund" as I call it. (I sound like I work for the state, doing the budget.)
You totally do. :) The GF is the bane of my existence.

I think your plan is a good one. I would want joint money for bills and stuff, but I wouldn't want to have to explain every dollar I spent.

[pisces2473]

You totally do. :) The GF is the bane of my existence.

I think your plan is a good one. I would want joint money for bills and stuff, but I wouldn't want to have to explain every dollar I spent.
I was thinking of you when I typed that :) I used to work for my state's municipal league, so I know about these terms.

Yeah, I think it's a good idea for us to have some of our own money. As long as we agree ahead of time on how much should go where, I don't see any problems with it. Right now, I think we'll put 50% in the GF and the rest is "fun." After we're married, this will probably change to 75% GF, 25% fun.

This isn't how everyone views things, but I think it'll work for us.

[weary]

pisces, i have a friend - a guy - who actually refers to his wife as "the state department". it's so funny. he'll be making plans to hang out w/ the fellas, or even talking to a mother of one of his kid's friends to make a play date, and he always says the same thing before committing: "let me check with the state department". LOL.

[wordsmith]

You won't get shit. I think everyone thinks similarly.

No shit from me, but I don't think similarly, just for the record.

I've posted about it before, but I'm uncomfortable in pretty much all situations not at least offering to (and being prepared to) pay for myself.

[pisces2473]

pisces, i have a friend - a guy - who actually refers to his wife as "the state department". it's so funny. he'll be making plans to hang out w/ the fellas, or even talking to a mother of one of his kid's friends to make a play date, and he always says the same thing before committing: "let me check with the state department". LOL.
LOL my dad, when setting up similar social things with my parents' friends, will say, "Let me check with the boss, and I'll get back to you."

[WorkInProgress]

LOL my dad, when setting up similar social things with my parents' friends, will say, "Let me check with the boss, and I'll get back to you."

Yep. My dad checks with the "social director."

[wordsmith]

My mom is the one who feels like she has to check in, ask permission, clear things, etc. Pisses me off to no end.

[Kitty]

I don't think we'll ever have a joint account...

[pisces2473]

I don't think we'll ever have a joint account...
Even if you get married? lol

How will you pay for things like the light bill, give D a check for your 1/2?

That's why we're going to have a household account, for bills and stuff. It's just more practical that way (for us). But everyone's different.

[WorkInProgress]

My mom is the one who feels like she has to check in, ask permission, clear things, etc. Pisses me off to no end.

My mom check in too, most of the time. But she's the keeper of the calendar, not my dad. (This provides a convenient excuse for both of them, if they don't want to commit to something..."oh, sorry, I have to check with my wife/husband before I can make any commitments &c, &c...")

[Kitty]

Even if you get married? lol

How will you pay for things like the light bill, give D a check for your 1/2?

That's why we're going to have a household account, for bills and stuff. It's just more practical that way (for us). But everyone's different.

D pays for the light bill. We already have everything worked out and it just works. Obviously, we dont' sit there and nickle and dime and make sure everything is 50/50 exactly - and we do have a general sense of "what's yours is mine" - but, we keep our money separate. Honestly, D pays for most of the bills, we split the rent even, and take turns paying for groceries (although, I pay less often).

If anything, we'd probably end up with a joint budget..but not a joint account.

[LaFille]

it depends on the date. in college i think i always offered because generally the guy was as broke as i was. when i was living in france, my roomate (a french girl) told me that the person who asks always pays, which was always the guy, so i followed her on that. so now i'm in that mode. and i haven't really done much dating since.

the guys might think this is unfair, but on one occassion, i did get a bad impression from a guy who didn't pay. a guy invited me to dinner, chose the restaurant, ordered wine, and then when the bill came he was like 'hey, do you have 15 euros?' i thought that was rude in general, but especially since he was a few years older than me and a computer programmer, and i was a lowly teaching assistant surviving paycheck to paycheck. i never accepted another date with him again, although he asked me a few times.

[CTGirl]

I was always raised with the mindset of not expecting anything from anyone (in general). I always make sure to have the money to cover things if a guy doesnt want to/cant, but I'm also not gonna stop him if he whips out his credit card as soon as the bill comes.

I've gone out with guys and never even gone to a restaurant with them at any point, so it's definitely easy to avoid having to pay for things if you don't want to.

I also agree with the "whoever initiates pays" and this extends to my friends a bit too - like when we go on road trips, whoever's trip it is typically drives, etc.

[EmberMae]

If a guy asked me and then wanted to split, I'd probably assume that he was just asking as a friend and it wasn't a date. I am more of a fan of switching off rather than splitting down the middle, and it makes sense to pay if you ask someone somewhere. I don't think the guy should pay simply because he's a guy. That's a holdover from when guys were the only ones with jobs. It makes sense for the person with the most money to pay more often. When my fiance and I started dating I paid for almost everything because he was a broke college student and I had a job. Now the tables have turned, although we have a joint account so it doesn't really matter who pays, it all goes to the same place.

pisces, i have a friend - a guy - who actually refers to his wife as "the state department". it's so funny. he'll be making plans to hang out w/ the fellas, or even talking to a mother of one of his kid's friends to make a play date, and he always says the same thing before committing: "let me check with the state department". LOL.
Haha, my fiance calls me the CFO because I'm in charge of the bills, budgeting, etc. He doesn't really know much about what our bills are or when they are due. I call him the CIO because he fixes the computers and other technology.

[steph78]

Do you think it's weird though? Joint account, but you use it for each other's b-days and stuff?

I think we're going to have joint household accounts--for shared expenses and to save for things like vacations--but separate "fun money" accounts for gifts for each other, our hobbies, etc. We've been talking now about how much we should get to keep for ourselves and how much should go into the "general fund" as I call it. (I sound like I work for the state, doing the budget.)
Nah, it's not weird. We just merged everything when we got married and that's that. We have a separate savings acct. where we save up for trips and other infrequent splurges, but it's all shared. I am the one who keeps the checkbook balanced and pays all the bills so I guess maybe you should ask T. if he feels weird about me knowing everything he spends! :) Of course we want to surprise one another for birthdays and other occasions - our visa bill comes due at a time that makes it possible for us to not look at the statement until after Christmas - but ultimately the money all comes out of the one account and it's fine that way. We're not big secret-keepers when it comes to money.

[embrassezla]

My situation is that we both have separate accounts & one joint account. We put the same amount in the joint account every month to cover mortgage & house-related bills. Everything else is completely separate & will stay that way.

[CTGirl]

It makes sense for the person with the most money to pay more often.


I definitely agree with this, and since I've never dated a guy who made more money than me, this generally means I pay a lot of the time, which I'm fine with.

I extend this rule to friends somewhat too, although I have some friends who are very much against it - the rich ones of course :googly: I'm not saying that the person who makes more should always pay for everything, but I feel bad hanging out with someone who makes a lot less than me, and making them pay as much as I do, it doesnt seem fair (and I dont even make that much).

[BlueEyedFunOne]

Yep. My dad checks with the "social director."

LOL!

One of my good friends refers to her mother as 'The Warden'. She's a great lady and keeps everyone in line :)

[veniqe]

Well, he won't hear from me again! I'd happily pay and thank him for a wonderful evening but leave it up to him to deduce just why I don't return his calls.