Should I move out of my mom's house?

[robert779]

I turned 26 a month ago, and I have never left. At my new job, my supervisor asked if I had children (ha!), and then she went on to ask if I had a bachelor pad. She questioned a bit more and I eventually had to admit that I live with my mom and brother.

I feel kind of like a freak for still living at home, but then a part of me takes pleasure in feeling like a misfit. I think my mom wants me to purchase a home, but I don't know when that would ever be financially feasible for me. Should I feel any different than other people my age because I'm not paying rent/mortgage and doing whatever else people who live on their own do?

And would the Failure to Launch film help give me some peace of mind?

[spokes]

yes that movie would provide you with a lot of guidance - similar to how SATC and Friends both realistically portray life in New York.....

Personally I would suggest continuing to live with your mother.

[pisces2473]

Your boss shouldn't be asking you such personal questions.

[shimma]

Your boss shouldn't be asking you such personal questions.

Seriously. And you shouldn't be answering them honestly.

[kdhmps]

I will turn 26 by the end of January. Although I am a woman, I am starting to feel like a freak, still living at home! People ask me if I am married or have a boyfriend. They ask where I live. Obviously, if we could afford to, we probably wouldn't be at home still... I live in the Chicago area, and it is expensive. I guess I am a freak because I am not married, don't have a boyfriend, and I live at home. lol

[spiritedaway]

I had a friend who freaked out about being 26 and living at home that she thought it has to do with why she's still single. (She's actually very pretty).

She then moved out even though she wasn't in a good financial position, but she did it anyway. She was still paying a good chuck of her paycheck to school debt, and was in need of a better car. I have no idea if it helped her on the relationship front, but she "seemed" happier, at least for a while.

I think it's good for her just because she's never lived by herself or with roommates before (she commuted for college) so maybe she really likes the space. I guess a lot of it has to do with where you are in life.

[WorkInProgress]

Your boss shouldn't be asking you such personal questions.

Totally agree.

As to your question, OP, I'm of the opinion that if you're living at home for a reason (to save money, to take care of a family member, you actually can't afford to live away from home, it's temporary while you're in school, etc.), and you contribute to the household (rent, chores, grocery money, etc.) that's one thing. Loafing and/or mooching are different. I, for one, live at home, and I'm a contributing member of the household.

[PenforPrez]

I turned 26 a month ago, and I have never left. At my new job, my supervisor asked if I had children (ha!), and then she went on to ask if I had a bachelor pad. She questioned a bit more and I eventually had to admit that I live with my mom and brother.

I feel kind of like a freak for still living at home, but then a part of me takes pleasure in feeling like a misfit. I think my mom wants me to purchase a home, but I don't know when that would ever be financially feasible for me. Should I feel any different than other people my age because I'm not paying rent/mortgage and doing whatever else people who live on their own do?

And would the Failure to Launch film help give me some peace of mind?

I've never left home either, and I'm 26 too. It upsets me increasingly every day because I just want to be independent and be on my own, but at the rate I'm going, I'll *never* be able to afford it. It upsets me because I know nobody else in my position, and I just feel like something's wrong with me because I'm unable to do it.

I feel like a freak, believe me. I'm yelling at my mother all the time right now because I just can't stand her anymore, quite frankly. But my parents DON'T WANT ME TO LEAVE! Which makes it all the more imperative I find a way out.

My advice is this: Can you afford to move out on your own without great hardship? Then do so. At our age, having never left home at all is becoming a disadvantage. That's just what I think; I'm too naive to say that, really. :neutral:

Paul

[zen_mistress]

I still live at home at 29 :eek: yes i know.

I went overseas for 2 years and came back in 04, had a sort of depression episode and found it hard to leave ever since...

Now I had rested up and am on meds and am feeling i can probably leave again in a few months, it has been a long time coming but I just want to be independent again..

I feel I have lost a lot of the independence I gained when I was away and I cant think of any advantage to staying..

the financial benefits of living at home are far cancelled out by the feeling that your parents will still see you as a kid no matter how old you get and there is no opportunity to create those boundaries while you are living with them...

I do know that I dont want my own place, I would like to live with other people, so I would prob rent a room in a house or something, perhaps travel even.

anyway good luck with whatever you decide. Perhaps your living situation works for you, sometimes parents can be ok to live with as an adult and sometimes it is a problem.

C
~

[g8ergal83]

do you and your mom get along? i dont get along with my parents at all, well, maybe my mom for like an hour and then they start treating me like i'm still 5 and its time to go. i moved out when i was 21, i was finished with college and had a "good" job (good enough to support my half of bill paying when my bf and i moved in together). i was ready. (I was ready when i was 15, it just took a couple more years.) Maybe you should look into finding an apartment or a house to rent with someone. you'll definitely feel more independant and you wont have to bear the whole cost of it when you split it with someone. However, being that you're 26, you might want to carefully choose your roommate. I'll never have a random roommate again, I made that vow after college. I know some people are perfectly content with their parents, but seeing as I'm not and i cant stand then anymore and they always make me feel like shit, it would be an unhealthy situation for me. You just have to decide whats best for you.

If you're not comfortable with moving out in the next month or so, give it a year (set a goal so you dont end up in the same situation when you're 30), save all you can, plan for it, and then go for it. Just make sure that once you're out, you wont have to come back because you dont have enough money. That would really suck.

[CTGirl]

I agree with what the others have said about the questions your boss asked - totally unacceptable. Also, you shouldnt feel bad having to tell your boss about your living situation, cuz if your boss would pay you enough to be living independently, you wouldnt have to be living at home right?

[robert779]

Thanks for the responses, guys! It's neat to see some others here in sort of the same boat as me.

That's a good point about pay, CTGirl. My new salary is currently about $21,000 a year. (I used to make $31,000 a year) It's supposed to increase in a couple of months, but right now, I feel lucky to just have a job after being laid off in July.

I don't mind living with my mother that much. However, I sometimes do wonder if I might have had a girlfriend by now had I not been living here...

Anyone ever heard of the term "parasite single"? That mainly refers to a Japanese person in their late twenties/early thirties who lives at home in order to enjoy a comfortable, carefree life. I read somewhere about Italian men living at home until later ages also. I guess America's one of the countries that supposedly frowns on this kind of thing.

[FockeWulf]

If you can afford it, I would definitely suggest finding your own place. Not to avoid labels but to enjoy the independence. I bought a house this past October and I am really enjoying being a home owner. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[vxmike]

I don't understand the stigma of living with family. As a single person I see no reason why not to. I presently live on my own and have no problems affording it, but if I lived near my family I would move back in with them. I really don't like maintaining my own place, and living alone is usually rather boring.

[MollyMe]

What is wrong with living with your family. My boyfriend does. His parents are cool and he can save lots of money. He could live on his own, but money would be tight.

[shimma]

the financial benefits of living at home are far cancelled out by the feeling that your parents will still see you as a kid no matter how old you get and there is no opportunity to create those boundaries while you are living with them...~

The thing is, though, even though you're 29, it's still their house and thus, they're well within their rights to set the rules.

[wordsmith]

My mom offered to let me move in last night. She didn't do it to insult me, she did it because she knows that I struggle to make ends meet with a low-paying job, and knows it stresses me out to not be able to save more.

While I appreciate the intent, I don't think I can, though, because I'm 29 and have lived totally on my own since I was 24 and with roommates on my own since I was 21. I haven't lived at home since college.

However, I live very near my parents, and get along with them extremely well, so it wouldn't be an unpleasant thing. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that I'm in dire enough straits to have it offered.

[EmberMae]

the financial benefits of living at home are far cancelled out by the feeling that your parents will still see you as a kid no matter how old you get and there is no opportunity to create those boundaries while you are living with them...
I agree with this. It's one reason why I couldn't live with my parents. I get along okay with my parents, as long as I'm not living with them. It's all about the boundaries and respect. There are some people whose parents will let them live with them and still give them total freedom and treat them like an adult. NOT my parents. Also, I like having my own space where I can set the rules. I don't have a voice in my parents' house.

[wordsmith]

See, my parents are very respectful of me, so in that sense, it wouldn't be a bad deal.

But I can't help but see it as a pride, step-back kinda thing, even though I could really use the method of saving some $$$.

I guess it's just a question of how much my pride's worth to me in dollars.

[zen_mistress]

The thing is, though, even though you're 29, it's still their house and thus, they're well within their rights to set the rules.

They can set rules, but because you are always their little girl/boy to them, sometimes the rules they set can be a bit inappropriate to your age...

[wordsmith]

I think it depends on the parents. Two of my sibs lived at home in their early to mid twenties (one is currently), and the only rules my parents have are basic respect rules...clean up after yourself, be considerate of others, offer to pitch in on things. They don't set curfews or get involved in personal things or other age-inappropriate ways of exerting control over adult children.

[mcqueennick0831]

I agree with the previous poster that said it depends on the parents. I love mine, but living with them is another story. Good people, just can't live with them. I work two jobs to have my own place and would GLADLY work three in order to avoid living at home. I'd rather be independently broke than staying at home and being financially secure. I moved out at 20 and never went back. I am 25 now and have never regretted it.

[calisa]

I will turn 26 by the end of January. Although I am a woman, I am starting to feel like a freak, still living at home! People ask me if I am married or have a boyfriend. They ask where I live. Obviously, if we could afford to, we probably wouldn't be at home still... I live in the Chicago area, and it is expensive. I guess I am a freak because I am not married, don't have a boyfriend, and I live at home. lol

OMG high 5! im a freak too !! LOL exactly, will def move if could afford it !!

[redav]

Anyone ever heard of the term "parasite single"? That mainly refers to a Japanese person in their late twenties/early thirties who lives at home in order to enjoy a comfortable, carefree life. I read somewhere about Italian men living at home until later ages also. I guess America's one of the countries that supposedly frowns on this kind of thing.

Yes, I'm familiar with the term, and have heard it used to refer to Americans who do the same thing. It's been said that the American Dream is no longer to own your own home, but to get your kids to move out of it. In Italy, often it is driven by the mother--she doesn't want her son to move further away than one floor up or down.

I know several people who still live with their parents. Generally, it's to save money, and it's either that or roommates. It seems to work if they are genuinely friends and no one goes on a power-trip. Also, several of these people have gotten married over the last couple of years, so it didn't hurt them too much in the relationship department.

[asm198]

Your boss shouldn't be asking you such personal questions.

Word. It's none of their business whatsoever and I'd totally be asking them insanely personal questions in response.


I don't understand the stigma of living with family. As a single person I see no reason why not to. I presently live on my own and have no problems affording it, but if I lived near my family I would move back in with them. I really don't like maintaining my own place, and living alone is usually rather boring.


I had a relationship break up several years ago and had to move back in with my mom. I moved out and in with friends, sleeping on their couch, a month later. My mom had totally converted to treating my as if I was in high school and I couldn't stand the constant questions. And it was just easier to live in the city I planned to work in, rather than deal with the 30+ minute commute I'd have to do if I lived with her.

And frankly, if it would be a huge turnoff to be dating someone who still lived with their parents and had never moved out. I wouldn't have such a big issue with it if the person had moved out and moved back in temporarily, but having never moved out? I'd probably go on one date with you and that's it. I did the meeting the parents on the first date 'after date' thing before. In high school. It was awkward then and it would be even more awkward to me if the person was post traditional college graduation age (meaning 22).

If you are able, move out of your parents house and start your own life. Learn to enjoy your own company.

[PenforPrez]

And frankly, if it would be a huge turnoff to be dating someone who still lived with their parents and had never moved out. I wouldn't have such a big issue with it if the person had moved out and moved back in temporarily, but having never moved out? I'd probably go on one date with you and that's it.

This is getting to be a bigger problem for me as I get older, especially as I can't attract women my age. The vibe I get is that they're silently implying that I don't understand living on my own since I've never done it. It's like trying to describe sex to a virgin; they just can't possibly understand because they've never done it.

Oh, wonderful! Why don't they just rub my nose in the fact I can't get a job that pays enough to move out and be done with it? That's how I feel when that comes up. It's all interconnected like a huge Gordion knot. :torn:

Paul

[ocean24]

I am living at home for the first time 5 years (I moved out when I was 19) and it just feels self-defeating. It's only been a couple of months and I don't anticipate it will be many more, but it is definitely hard on the pride!

For those of you who have never lived on your own, did you ever start paying rent? bills?

[Syracuse]

I'm pretty sure, though they may deny it, most parents in this situation purposely get on their grown child's nerves, to give them "incentive" to move out. My parents did that to me, and the end result is now we don't speak anymore. Yeah you got me to move out but you ended up losing your relationship with me completely, nice job.

[kna1112]

I'm new to QLC and think I've just found my support group :0 So hi, my name is Kate, and I moved back into my parents' house over a year ago. At the time, it was because I had a job offer I couldn't refuse in the metro area near their home -- we live near Detroit -- and I couldn't afford to rent even the most crummy, flea-riddled closet on the market. Plus, I didn't want to ;). I tried to play it off like I would rather have meals waiting for me when I came home and that my mom needed someone to have girl talk with. Even after working for a few months and saving enough to move out, I just found excuse after excuse to hold off on looking for a place. And suffice to say, I'm still a loser. But it's definitely my goal for 2007 to get out of my parents'. They have a nice place, but it's their place and not mine. I'll admit, the big motivating factor has been dating my boyfriend, who just moved into his own studio and teases me (playfully) about how I don't even know how to open a bill. He loves my mom's cooking and often jokes about how he should just save money and move in with them, too! But that joke is only funny the first couple times, so I'm scanning the apartment listings every night now.

[asm198]

This is getting to be a bigger problem for me as I get older, especially as I can't attract women my age. The vibe I get is that they're silently implying that I don't understand living on my own since I've never done it. It's like trying to describe sex to a virgin; they just can't possibly understand because they've never done it.

Oh, wonderful! Why don't they just rub my nose in the fact I can't get a job that pays enough to move out and be done with it? That's how I feel when that comes up. It's all interconnected like a huge Gordion knot. :torn:

Paul

In my mind, it's a different thing to not be able to afford to leave home. I'm thinking more along the lines of people who have jobs that pay them enough be on their own, but the prefer to either use all their money as play money or they just don't want to leave the comforts of their parents house. Mom cooks their meals, does their laundry, they don't have to pay for a single bill except for stuff relating to a car, etc.

[kna1112]

I think another factor in this -- it sure has been in my situation -- is your cultural background. My parents are second-generation Russian Americans and since both their respective families are immigrants who didn't want them straying too far away, neither of them ended up leaving home until they were married. You just didn't step out independently unless you wanted to be labelled as a black sheep or worse by your family. You would think this would make my parents encourage me to take the steps towards adulthood they couldn't, meaning move out and make my own way without having to find a husband, but I guess culture endures for a reason. Also, my parents have always hounded me about saving money, not towards renting an apartment (which they consider throwing money away) but buying a house. For a while, I told myself I would live at home until buying became a possibility. But I've changed my tune because I know it's time for me to have my own place, most likely starting off with a humble one-bedroom and upgrading when I can. I'm looking at apartments this weekend -- January, incidentally, has been a lucrative month to find rentals in the Detroit area.

[HollyM]

I'm 26 and still live at home. Tbh I wouldn't worry too much about what other people think as far as moving out is concerned but I know that's easier said than done! For a while I was in 2 minds about moving out because although I missed the freedom I had at uni and when travelling I get on OK with my parents and was pretty comfortable. Also I had some awful room mates at uni and didn't want to repeat that. Now though I really want to move out because when I'm at home I just feel like a teenager. It's OK in the week because I'm hardly ever there, I work full time and go out doing a different activity every evening but Christmas was awful! I've set myself a deadline so that if I don't get onto a course I've applied for in September then I'm going to move out regardless. As for bosses asking personal questions I was chatting to my boss at my old workplace and she asked me what I was planning to do on that weekend. When I said I didn't really know she replied that she wondered if I was going to a gay venue because she'd often wondered about me (I've got short hair and am not very girly)! I wasn't bothered so much about her thinking I was gay but the fact she asked me openly with lots of other members of staff nearby...

[MoneyCntByLuv]

This board was made for me. I too live with the rents. But it was a conscious decision to save money. I said I'd only do it for a year. Now it's been 1 yr 6 mos. But I plan on leaving by end of 2007. I needed to pay off my plastic debt I racked up in my irresponsible college days (can we say $4K?) and I simply wasn't making a dent in my debt when I was on my own. So, I too feel the loss of self-esteem while being at home. BUT I am heartened by the fact that when I do move out, I will be starting with a clean slate. Some of my more independent friends have rent/mortgage plus debt and car note. I will just have rent/mortgage.

Keep the faith boomerangers! Remember your financial goals and grin and bear it.

[vinsanity]

my parents DON'T WANT ME TO LEAVE! Which makes it all the more imperative I find a way out.


lol I'm totally with you on that one...I just turned 26 last month and I need to move out like yesterday. my excuses are as follows:

1. rent and real estate in general is ridiculously expensive here in Orange County, and to a lesser extent, So.Cal in general

2. I'm waiting for my sister to transfer to a university after this semester so we can split a 2-br apartment near her school (which also happens to be reasonably close to my current job)

that's about it. to tell the truth, the awkward social situation is killing me :cry: I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. but on the other hand, I am enjoying putting away all my extra money into savings that I would currently be spending on rent ;):