Another marriage related thread for the ladies.... [Archive]

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grneyedmustang

11-19-2006, 10:56 AM

I have this friend that I have known for ten years, ever since sophomore year of college. We used to do everything together; I used to drive her to work/to school (for a while, way back when, she didn't have a car)...skip class together :D , everything. Over the years I had grown to consider her my best friend -- she knows stuff about me that no one else knows, and vice versa. Since she and I go back a decade -- we've had little spats here and there -- but nothing we couldn't overcome (or so I thought).

2 or 3 weeks ago, she informed me that she had gotten engaged to this guy. Cool, I'm happy for her. She also informed me that she wasn't going to have any bridesmaids because of the drama that sometimes surrounds the whole bridesmaid thing. No problem; however, I noticed that after she made the big announcement, she had become a bit distant - not answering the phone/returning calls, etc. At first, I just chalked it up to "busyness in the grownup life" - especially with her pending nuptials. In the past, though, when she's done something that she knows is going to hurt my feelings or piss me off, she becomes distant.

So earlier this week, she asked me to meet her at a wedding store, with another friend (she's known her the same amount of time she's known me), to help balance opinions and help her choose a dress. I met them at the store, as promised, and her mentee was there. While she and the other friend are in the fitting room, I'm just sitting there, feeling a bit left out. So her mentee is sitting there with me, keeping me company. She says "I think she needs to have bridesmaids in her wedding...but oh well. I guess it's just going to be her and [insert other friend's name here] at the altar." To which I reply "nah, she said she's not having any bridesmaids at all." Her mentee replies, "She asked her to be the matron of honor."

The rest of the day, I didn't say much at all. Later on, I found out she asked another person to sing in her wedding (no biggie here, I can't sing -- but they are participating in the wedding also). After we were done with everything, I just left and went home, even though they asked me to go out to eat with them. I told her later on my feelings were hurt because she didn't ask me to be in the wedding -- AT ALL -- and I thought that we were deeper than that. She replied that she didn't want me to have to worry about paying for a dress (which would NOT have been an issue)!

If you were in the same situation, would your feelings be hurt? Do I have good reason to feel the way I'm feeling -- or am I making too much of this?

pisces2473

11-19-2006, 11:04 AM

grneyedmustang

11-19-2006, 11:12 AM

That sounds like a lame-ass excuse. Did she then ask you to be in the wedding?Nope, which is why I believe there's more to it than the "finance" excuse she gave me.

We had a little argument earlier this year (which supposedly we worked out), I can't help but to wonder if deep down, she's still mad about it...

pisces2473

11-19-2006, 11:15 AM

Nope, which is why I believe there's more to it than the "finance" excuse she gave me.

We had a little argument earlier this year (which supposedly we worked out), I can't help but to wonder if deep down, she's still mad about it...
Hmmm, maybe so. As much as it hurts you, it's still her problem. Hang in there.

winneythepooh7

11-19-2006, 11:17 AM

grneyedmustang

11-19-2006, 11:18 AM

Thanks for the support, Pisces. I'm trying to shake it off, but my feelings are still hurt.

This just solidifies why I need to get out and meet some more friends.

pisces2473

11-19-2006, 11:19 AM

I can understand your being upset. I am paranoid that I upset the person who introduced my fiance and I for not asking her to be in the wedding. But we're not really that close anymore so it didn't feel right. I think you can still do a lot to help her if she lets you, without being an actual "bridesmaid". I know that probably doesn't help though........
Yeah, I'm paranoid about not asking two friends who I've known for over 10 years to be in my wedding...but I don't see them that often even though they live in the same town. I'm not going to worry about it. They still talk to me.

WorkInProgress

11-19-2006, 12:19 PM

You have every right to have your feelings hurt. Especially for that simple a reason (that she gave you). When I asked my friends to be in my wedding party, I told them that if there was a problem with money or anything else, let me know and we'd work something out or they could step down.

That sounds like a lame-ass excuse. Did she then ask you to be in the wedding?

Ditto this.

And it seems odd to me that she'd a)ask you to go dress shopping with her, even though you're not participating in the wedding, since this is precisely what a lot of MOHs and BMs do, b)wouldn't tell the other friend to keep the matron of honor stuff on the DL, c)wouldn't ask you do to anything for the wedding (usher, mind the guestbook, hand out flower petals/bird seed/bubbles to guests to throw after the ceremony, do a reading, etc.).

As far as I can tell, she's giving you mixed signals. And I agree that it's her issue, not yours. Hope you get through this!

The best I can say is to try and not let it bother you, even though I know that's really hard to do.

spiritedaway

11-19-2006, 07:22 PM

No, that wouldn't upset me, at least not upset at being able to be a part of the wedding party. I can see if you were upset with her for not being up-front with you. Maybe she only wants a certain number of bridesmaids (and reached that limit and didn't know how to tell you without hurting your feelings), but she still really values your input on wedding dresses...I don't know, maybe she's under a lot of stress.

I think my best friend (we drifted apart over the years a bit but we're still in touch) is getting married either next year or the year after (date not set yet). Even if she doesn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, I honestly don't think I will be upset at all (I have no expectation on this yet). I think her bf's 2 sisters will probably be in the wedding party. She has a younger sister too. I could be a little biased, being in the wedding party just doesn't appeal to me (especially since I don't like shopping, even if it's for a wedding dress), so maybe that's why things like this wouldn't upset me either way.

wordsmith

11-20-2006, 01:55 AM

Def. justified in being hurt. I would be.

Chameleon

11-20-2006, 01:12 PM

It was kinda shady to be secretive about having a MOH and other planning details but I don't understand being upset about not being a bridesmaid when she's not having any bridesmaids. Or is it that she is having a MOH and it's not you? Maybe she wasn't sure how to tell you that she was chosing someone else as a MOH because she knew how upset you'd be and was too chicken to do so?

I doubt it's anything malicious behind the 'exclusion' though. I'd be happy to not have to deal with the wedding stress and dress and hair requirements. If you'd still like to be included in some fashion, maybe you should let her know you are still there for her.

pisces2473

11-20-2006, 01:16 PM

To me, MOH and BMs are pretty synonymous. If someone says "No bm's" I'm thinking that means NO ONE AT ALL. If someone says "I'm just having a MOH," then that's different.

WorkInProgress

11-20-2006, 01:29 PM

To me, MOH and BMs are pretty synonymous. If someone says "No bm's" I'm thinking that means NO ONE AT ALL. If someone says "I'm just having a MOH," then that's different.

This is pretty much my perception as well.

grneyedmustang

11-20-2006, 02:28 PM

This is pretty much my perception as well. This was exactly my perception. It just seemed a bit shady to me.

Chameleon

11-20-2006, 04:44 PM

IMHO, a MOH is someone that actually helps out during the wedding ceremony - fixing the train and holding flowers or the mic or whatever. Maybe she changed her mind later or she didn't consider MOHs and Bridesmaids to be the same thing (like I do). I've always thought of MOHs to have a function while BMs are the ones you nag into getting dressed, coifed and matched perfectly for the occasion, as fun as that can be for some. I'm wierd though, I could do without the stress of having to perform at a wedding.

She should have said straight up that she was only having a MOH, plain and simple. I'm sorry you are hurt by this, grneyedmustang.

shimma

11-20-2006, 05:00 PM

I agree that you have every right to be hurt as well, and I would talk to your friend and let her know that being lied to hurt your feelings.

(((PAULA)))

Winter Storm

11-20-2006, 05:00 PM

If you were in the same situation, would your feelings be hurt? Do I have good reason to feel the way I'm feeling -- or am I making too much of this?

Yes, I would be hurt or a bit bothered by this. To me, the MOH is usually the closest friend or someone who is definitely important in the bride's life and the bridesmaids usually fall in line after her. To not be asked to be apart of the wedding at all (and giving a lame-ass excuse on top of that) would bother me.

It sounds like for whatever reason, this girl may be growing apart from you. I'm also sorry that she has hurt you.

shimma

11-20-2006, 05:04 PM

Yes, I would be hurt or a bit bothered by this. To me, the MOH is usually the closest friend or someone who is definitely important in the bride's life and the bridesmaids usually fall in line after her. To not be asked to be apart of the wedding at all (and giving a lame-ass excuse on top of that) would bother me..
I dunno about that.... I am not "close" to my sister but asked her to be my MOH. Part because she's my sister, part because over the last few years we have really been working to be closer and clearing up a lot of the negative shit that was between us for so long.

Chameleon

11-20-2006, 05:11 PM

pisces2473

11-20-2006, 05:14 PM

Yeah, I don't "rank" my MOH and BMs...they are all very good friends of mine, from diff. areas of my life.

MOH--known her since I was 5
BM 1--known her since freshman year of college, roomies for 3 out of 4 years
BM 2--met through QLC, we're very similar, it's like we became instant friends :)

SmilesSoSweet

11-20-2006, 05:38 PM

I'm MOH for a friend's wedding next summer. I really was surprised she asked me to be her MOH. We've known each other since the 9th grade. I thought she'd have her sister be MOH, but she isn't that close to her sister and her sister will only be 18 by the time of the wedding.

My friend as me as MOH, her sister as a BM, another friend as at BM and her soon to be SIL as her other BM. She didn't want a large wedding party.

My brother and his wife had a huge wedding party. My SIL had one of her cousins as MOH, the two sisters of her cousins were BMs, my sister and I were BM, and she had three friends as BMs as well. So that makes eight. My brother also had the same amount of groomsmens and bridesmaids and his best friend since the sixth grade was his best man.

The one positive side you can look at it, is that you won't be spending a lot of money on your friend's wedding. Including travel expenses, I spent A LOT of money on my brother's wedding. And since my friend's wedding is also in CA, I'll be spending money on flights along with planning a bachelorette party and wedding shower. Of course the other BMs will still help out, but still, it does cost a lot to be in someone's wedding.

SmilesSoSweet

11-20-2006, 05:40 PM

Oh and one more situation: My sister was a BM for her roommate's wedding. and the roommate's sister was MOH. The bride basically had a bunch of female cousins and couldn't decide who else other than her sister to be in the wedding party. So instead of just picking a couple of cousin and offending the others, she picked my sister to be the only BM. It worked out well because the groom had two brothers. One served as the best man while the other was a groomsman.

shimma

11-20-2006, 06:30 PM

I was the BM at both of my brother's weddings even though I barely knew the brides. I hope the bride's other friends didn't think they weren't asked because they were inferior friends. I doubt she did it to stab a friend in the back, it's an uncomfortable situation because that's how she wants her wedding. Wedding drama. Fun stuff.

I'm not sure about Nigerian customs, but at "traditional" American weddings (assuming your FSILs are not toxic psychos boycotting your wedding like some people I could mention) the bride usually asks the groom's sisters to be bridesmaids. In other words, I wouldn't have felt uncomfortable if I'd been you.

grneyedmustang

11-20-2006, 10:20 PM

Yes, I would be hurt or a bit bothered by this. To me, the MOH is usually the closest friend or someone who is definitely important in the bride's life and the bridesmaids usually fall in line after her. To not be asked to be apart of the wedding at all (and giving a lame-ass excuse on top of that) would bother me.

It sounds like for whatever reason, this girl may be growing apart from you. I'm also sorry that she has hurt you.
This is my suspicion also. Well, que sera sera....life goes on. I'm sure I'll get over it.