Understanding Parents

[Nowtide]

Hi Everyone,

Since finishing University (at 26, I've been on my own since my late teens) I've noticed my relationship with my parents is quite strained.

It seems my parents are ultra-critical of all of my choices or if they do support a decision I've made they make a point of reminding me of my past failures rather than congratulate me on my new success or bravery in trying new paths/careers in order to find the right fit.

I m unsure if this strained relationship is the result of my not doing what my parents planned for me or if this strained relationship is the result of my own perception. In other words I am unsure about my life and my choices and so meet anything my parents offer with cinicism and frustration.

Has anyone else noticed a change in their relationship with their parents for the better or worse since entering the "quarter life crisis"?

Cheers,

Nowtide

[Manhattanx170]

One of the things that it took my parents some getting used to, was the fact the I am an adult now (28) and I can make my own decisions, regardless of what they think is right or wrong for me. After they struggled with their inability to control me or influence me anymore, they eventually let up and realized that through the worst of times, or best of times...I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do, regardless of what they, or anybody thinks. Although they disagree with some things, they at least accept me for who I am.

Ultimately, do what you have to do to make you happy (follow your passions) and make ends meet at the same time. If you have made some decisions about your education that you may regret, look ahead, hold your head up high, and make some more and better options for your future. Pursue something that will make you happy (if you don't already), be true to you first and foremost. People may resisit, and try to throw you off your course, but stick to your guns. Also, another option is to try to communicate your feelings with your parents, be brave and honest with them (if you already haven't that is). Be vulnerable, and speak what you mean from your heart. If they don't accept you or your position in life, then take comfort in knowing that you are being true and honest to yourself...one day they may understand, but at least you will know you were being honest and true to you all the time. If it is your perception that needs changing, and your parents are right, then get to it...work on you, figure out what's going on with you internally, and tackle it head on. Get through your problem, understand why and if it is your perception, and move on to your rightful place of happiness and peace. You deserve it. And sometimes we have no idea what might be just around the corner..be patient, but be steadfast, something will happen.:)

[PenforPrez]

I'm there right now.

I still live at home at 26; I've never been able to find a job that pays enough for me to be on my own. Until this year, I never felt much concern about it. However, the world is changing around me, and I find myself forced to adjust my own wants and needs. I've gone from a civil appreciation of my parents to something close to downright hostility.

My father is full of negativity. Everything I want to do, he always tells me it won't work. He tells me I wasted my time going to college because I won't teach. He doesn't understand that I don't want to go into the sheet metal union like he did; he thinks the promise of $27/hour would lure ANYONE. But I'm no good at that work, and I'm just not good with my hands.

Of course, he has his own ideas. He brings the newspaper in to me yesterday, and showed me an ad for a factory hiring for more money than I make now. But I told him exactly what I thought: They're not going to hire me. I'm a college graduate in rural Missouri; I'm overqualified for EVERYTHING! I couldn't survive an assembly-line job anyway; too regimented for me. I have to have some control over things.

I've grown tired of my mother's Southern mannerisms. I'm tired of waiting on her hand and foot; she had a knee replacement five weeks ago, but I was waiting on her long before then. I just don't want to listen to her in general.

Here's the largest part of the problem. I have very unique parents for my age group; my father grew up quite literally like Jed Clampett and the Beverly Hillbillies (my father actually ate roadkill as late as 10 years ago) and my mother came from the rural Deep South. So they didn't really understand the real world when THEY were most deeply into it; the 60s and 70s, especially for my mother. I need a more modern, contemporary way of life. Now that I actually know something I want, I can't have it. That figures. :rolleyes:

So, needless to say, in the 21st century, they are both living relics. Fossils. They don't know how the world works nowadays. Neither do I, but I understand it a lot better than they do.

So my conflict with my parents is just from changing and getting older and the need for different things. Hope this helps. :)

Paul

[Nowtide]

One of the things that it took my parents some getting used to, was the fact the I am an adult now (28) and I can make my own decisions, regardless of what they think is right or wrong for me. After they struggled with their inability to control me or influence me anymore, they eventually let up and realized that through the worst of times, or best of times...I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do, regardless of what they, or anybody thinks. Although they disagree with some things, they at least accept me for who I am.

Ultimately, do what you have to do to make you happy (follow your passions) and make ends meet at the same time. If you have made some decisions about your education that you may regret, look ahead, hold your head up high, and make some more and better options for your future. Pursue something that will make you happy (if you don't already), be true to you first and foremost. People may resisit, and try to throw you off your course, but stick to your guns. Also, another option is to try to communicate your feelings with your parents, be brave and honest with them (if you already haven't that is). Be vulnerable, and speak what you mean from your heart. If they don't accept you or your position in life, then take comfort in knowing that you are being true and honest to yourself...one day they may understand, but at least you will know you were being honest and true to you all the time. If it is your perception that needs changing, and your parents are right, then get to it...work on you, figure out what's going on with you internally, and tackle it head on. Get through your problem, understand why and if it is your perception, and move on to your rightful place of happiness and peace. You deserve it. And sometimes we have no idea what might be just around the corner..be patient, but be steadfast, something will happen.:)

Once again your response has really rung true to me, so thank you!

Almost immediately after writing this post I felt better about my relationship with my parents. I do think that they have unrealistic expectations or at least are putting pressure on me that is unecessary. Maybe as we go through a change so do they and its hard for them to understand their new role- a less active role in our lives in terms of trying to persuadee and influence our decisions.

I'm not sure my parents accept where Ive gone with my life but I think that simply assuming their acceptance and acting as though they apporve will help them to come around.

My struggle I think is that I still really want them to accept and support every decision I make and so let that have a huge influence on me. since their acceptance is so important in every decision their rejection is enough to make me very seriously reconsider my plans.

Not only am I finding myself reevaluating my own goals in life I am also trying to redefine the roles of the people around me and the influence they have on my life.

Nowtide

[Nowtide]

I'm there right now.

I still live at home at 26; I've never been able to find a job that pays enough for me to be on my own. Until this year, I never felt much concern about it. However, the world is changing around me, and I find myself forced to adjust my own wants and needs. I've gone from a civil appreciation of my parents to something close to downright hostility.

My father is full of negativity. Everything I want to do, he always tells me it won't work. He tells me I wasted my time going to college because I won't teach. He doesn't understand that I don't want to go into the sheet metal union like he did; he thinks the promise of $27/hour would lure ANYONE. But I'm no good at that work, and I'm just not good with my hands.

Of course, he has his own ideas. He brings the newspaper in to me yesterday, and showed me an ad for a factory hiring for more money than I make now. But I told him exactly what I thought: They're not going to hire me. I'm a college graduate in rural Missouri; I'm overqualified for EVERYTHING! I couldn't survive an assembly-line job anyway; too regimented for me. I have to have some control over things.

I've grown tired of my mother's Southern mannerisms. I'm tired of waiting on her hand and foot; she had a knee replacement five weeks ago, but I was waiting on her long before then. I just don't want to listen to her in general.

Here's the largest part of the problem. I have very unique parents for my age group; my father grew up quite literally like Jed Clampett and the Beverly Hillbillies (my father actually ate roadkill as late as 10 years ago) and my mother came from the rural Deep South. So they didn't really understand the real world when THEY were most deeply into it; the 60s and 70s, especially for my mother. I need a more modern, contemporary way of life. Now that I actually know something I want, I can't have it. That figures. :rolleyes:

So, needless to say, in the 21st century, they are both living relics. Fossils. They don't know how the world works nowadays. Neither do I, but I understand it a lot better than they do.

So my conflict with my parents is just from changing and getting older and the need for different things. Hope this helps. :)

Paul

Hi PenforPrez!

Thanks for the response! I can definately relate to your experience. My parents are similar to yours in that they put a lot of emphasis on money as the major motivator behind every choice. My parents want me to become a white collar worker however and I tend to favour the trades and blue collar workers.

I'm not sure why my folks see white collar work as inherently better since (at least on my Mom's side) all of my family are tradesmen or construction workers. I suppose they had plans for me when I went to College and then University and did not expect me to return to my roots in a sense and enter a trade after so many years of education. Nevertheless my parents have a negative view of the blue collar world and think of white collar work as better pay and better work in general...regardless of how it make me feel.

I am doing my best to follow my own path but it is almost impossible to disconnect yourself from your parents wants and desires and make decisions without wondering what they will think or feel.

What do you think your next step will be after identifying what you want? I've had to make some sacrifices to start over in a trade. I make less money now that I am starting at the bottom of the totem pole again. My salary will eventually be much higher than the last field I was in but starting from the bottom is tough. I also had to change where I lived geographically to an economy that had jobs in the fields I was interested in...otherwise it would have been extremely hard to convince a company to take a chance on someone with absolutely no related experience (aside form soft skills of course).

Nowtide

[wordsmith]

My relationship's always been on a whole better than the average with my parents, and it's actually been thriving as an adult (helped, actually, by the fact that I moved back fairly near them about five years ago...our relationship is more average and day to day now that I see them regularly...when I lived far away, and it was more rare to see them, it was like there was pressure to make each time we got together a special event. Now it's just normal. My parents are also really cool, and aren't really the type to get up in your business about your choices, so that helps a lot. I'm pretty lucky, they've never been critical types (though they do have high expectations, in terms of demanding that I do my best, whatever I choose to do), mainly just encouraging. They're both unconventional types, and they don't presume to want to plan my life, never have. They've always encouraged me to do what I want. They've never been especially controlling, and, really, my values have always been pretty much in step with theirs, so there's never even been any real opportunity to feel the need to exert control.

It's kind of surprising, I'm their oldest, so you'd think if they were gonna screw up and approach things the wrong way, they'd do it with me, I'm the first kid they go through almost everything with. But they do fine.

[SmilesSoSweet]

My relationship with my parents has actually gotten better now that I'm older and all done with school. They tell me now that I've been out of school I can do whatever I want because it's my life. They supported me through all five years of college and at the time they had some control of some sort of my life because they did help pay for my college. In exchange for college support, I just had to finish up school within a timely matter, which I did. As soon as I graduated, my mom gave me her speech about how I'm an adult now and I get to make all the choices and do what I want, as long as its legal. I graduated college when I was 22.

And now that I live in a different state then my parents, we're actually much, much closer. Strange, I know, but it's helped for the better.

[Nowtide]

I suppose it is good to remind myself that there are plenty of people have good relationships with their folks at this time of their lives.

I do remember living farther away from my parents and having a great relationship with them. Now that I am closer geographically things seem to be more strained. Maybe by living closer my parents have more exposure t all of the little transitions and changes in my life and offer advice. If I lived farther away they would likely only hear about the big changes and not receive as many regular updates.

Maybe it isn't a bad idea for me to live as though they ar efarhter away and only fill them in on things I want them to know at least until our relationship is pathced up.

Nowtide