An apology

[yankeeyosh]

Over the last few months, I think most of the regulars noticed I have changed dramatically on these boards...my posts have been mostly laced with anger and frustration, with tones of self-pity. Yet, I have started to lash out on other people for their beliefs. I agree with winney's post in another thread I deleted...when I look in the mirror, *I* am the entitled one, and therefore, no better than the ones I criticize. Yes, I've had some bad breaks, but things aren't so terrible. Am I disappointed? Yes. Do I feel like I'm not where I should be at this point of my life? Yes. But is my situation the worst? No. I keep referring to a vast "underclass" of Generation 'Y'...the half or even majority that is struggling because of circumstances of their own doing or due to unfortunate situations that prevent them from getting ahead...people that would jump off a cliff to have the opportunity to clean spreadsheets all day. I am fortunate enough to not be part of that. OK...so I have a lousy job with no mobility. So I never had a relationship. Even though it will be harder than most people, there is a chance that this could be changed. I see people on these boards...very good people who I talk to frequently...who have it much worse. Yet I'm the one who's complaining.

So I apologize to most of you...the people who I know have played "by the rules" and got where they are today not through pity, but by getting off your ass and working at it. There are a few exceptions who I don't know if I can apologize to, and I have to admit this, but otherwise, I feel tremendous guilt talking like this all the time, and I believe I tainted my reputation tremendously in recent months.

Thank you, and have a wonderful rest-of-the Thanksgiving holiday.

[winneythepooh7]

I hope you have a good weekend too, Mark. Remember that there are always going to be people out there who are one-up on you. Also remember that a lot of the time, things are not always as they seem either. Even the people who appear to have their shit the most together, often are struggling.

Don't let a handful of people get you down!!

[shimma]

Over the last few months, I think most of the regulars noticed I have changed dramatically on these boards...my posts have been mostly laced with anger and frustration, with tones of self-pity. Yet, I have started to lash out on other people for their beliefs. I agree with winney's post in another thread I deleted...when I look in the mirror, *I* am the entitled one, and therefore, no better than the ones I criticize. Yes, I've had some bad breaks, but things aren't so terrible. Am I disappointed? Yes. Do I feel like I'm not where I should be at this point of my life? Yes. But is my situation the worst? No. I keep referring to a vast "underclass" of Generation 'Y'...the half or even majority that is struggling because of circumstances of their own doing or due to unfortunate situations that prevent them from getting ahead...people that would jump off a cliff to have the opportunity to clean spreadsheets all day. I am fortunate enough to not be part of that. OK...so I have a lousy job with no mobility. So I never had a relationship. Even though it will be harder than most people, there is a chance that this could be changed. I see people on these boards...very good people who I talk to frequently...who have it much worse. Yet I'm the one who's complaining.

So I apologize to most of you...the people who I know have played "by the rules" and got where they are today not through pity, but by getting off your ass and working at it. There are a few exceptions who I don't know if I can apologize to, and I have to admit this, but otherwise, I feel tremendous guilt talking like this all the time, and I believe I tainted my reputation tremendously in recent months.

Thank you, and have a wonderful rest-of-the Thanksgiving holiday.

(((((MARK)))))

You know, I think that most of us bitch and flame on these boards, it's kind of the nature of the beast. Some of us, yes, do have better lives than others, but you never really do know someone's full story... and that can lead to grossly misjudging another person. We all do it. I think that your situation is in some ways much worse than some people's, and in some ways much better.

And it is totally normal and fine to look at your life and say, when I envisioned being this age 5 or 10 yrs ago I thought I'd be doing much better, or to say, I have the potential to do much better. Many of us have our bad choices to blame for our lives sucking, but we made the choices at a time when we didn't really know any better. And life just works like that.

I know you've had bad experiences w/therapists, but maybe it's in your best interests to try again if you're that angry/depressed with your life. Remember how I agreed w/you they were all toxic assholes who made me feel worse about my problems? Well, I went outside the "mold" a little and found one that I am working well with - It took a lot of hunting, but I found one. Maybe you should give it another shot.

[WorkInProgress]

Big hugs, Mark.

I hope you had a good Thanksgiving, and continue to have a great holiday weekend.

I agree with what the others have already said.

And I hope you stick around here, too.

[asm198]

(((((MARK)))))

You know, I think that most of us bitch and flame on these boards, it's kind of the nature of the beast. Some of us, yes, do have better lives than others, but you never really do know someone's full story... and that can lead to grossly misjudging another person. We all do it. I think that your situation is in some ways much worse than some people's, and in some ways much better.

And it is totally normal and fine to look at your life and say, when I envisioned being this age 5 or 10 yrs ago I thought I'd be doing much better, or to say, I have the potential to do much better. Many of us have our bad choices to blame for our lives sucking, but we made the choices at a time when we didn't really know any better. And life just works like that.

I totally agree with this. Seriously, excellent post here, shimma.

Mark, I see you reference gen 'x' and 'y' in many of your posts, and I think you are a bit too preoccupied with definitions and labels in that aspect. I read a post you wrote and apparently I'm firmly in the 'Y' generation. I definitely don't feel like it and never have. I've never identified with them. I was born in January 1980, to parents who were 38 (mom) and 44 (dad) and who had a brother who was born in 1968. Technology wise, attitude wise, and just general 'wise', I feel more in tune with gen 'x' and always have.

I've had many ups and downs in my life and long ago, used to bitch and complain about them much more than I do now. I still feel rather behind my peers as far as career stuff goes. And it continues to frustrate me. I feel like I should be taken just as seriously as my same-age peers and I want the careers they have. But then I'm reminded of two things.

One. I had a friend of mine come to me a couple of years ago. His long term relationship had just come crashing down around him and he was a bit lost. I have no idea why he came to me, but he did. Maybe it was because I had experience a similar situation two years before. He appologized to me for how he supposedly treated me when I was going through what he was now going through. I could have been an ass and done the whole 'I told you so' bit, but I didn't. I just tried to be a friend and told him about how I handled it. I had no friends wisdom to get me through my stuff, so I had to figure it out on my own, so I decided that if I could help a friend, it would be to be honest about what I went through and how I dealt with it. Because I feel that people who are your friends deserve your honesty, even if it's a bit sugar coated. Cliches don't help and are annoying. Real honesty helps.

Two. My best female friend is 40 years old. She and I are like sisters. We think the same, we act the same, and we have had the same struggles. I look to her for advice and guidance on issues about life and careers and whatnot. She has university degrees and has been in her field for a number of years. Her advice, direct or indirect, is that for most people, life isn't easy. It's not get a job, get a mate, have a happy life. She struggles with similar issues that I do and always has.

She has a job that she hates. She wants to get out of the field and can't, because of pay issues. If she switches fields, she risks taking a pay cut that she just can't afford. She basically hates what she does and is basically powerless to switch to something else. It's not a matter of luxury items that keeps her where she's at. It's about not being able to meet basic needs in another field, because she's done what she's doing for so long.

What I take away from her lifestyle is this. She initially fell into this line of work, and enjoyed it at first. After a number of years of making a certain paygrade, she put up with increasing unhappiness, because the pay was decent. She could pay for her car, rent, utilities, and her student loans and have some money left over. But she got sick of the requirements of the job. The costs of the job outweighed the benefits, but she can't seem to get out of it.

I love her dearly and she is honestly my best friend in the world and I hate to see her go through this. I say all of this because I get the feeling that you hate what you are doing, Mark. You went to school to do something (and I've followed you, because I've thought about going into the same field), but you had to settle for something that wasn't quite what you wanted/wasn't quite in your field. That was similar to my friend.

Mark, you are young. You are educated. If you aren't feeling it at your job, why are you still there? Why are you staying? If you hate it, quit. No job it worth your soul.

I am not at all the best example of perfect job performance. I am very excited when I start a new job. And I am fiercely loyal to jobs, companies, bosses who treat me right. I used to not be that way, but I stumbled into a job that I enjoyed with a completely awesome boss. He was so awesome that I haven't worked with him in three years, haven't lived in the same city as him in three years, haven't seen him in three years; yet we talk on the phone once a month (or more) and he is completely and totally supportive of everything I want to do or aspire to do.

Every job I've had since has been measured up to the experience I had at that one. I truly stumbled into the best working situation anyone could ever have. I loved nearly every single co-worker I had and I completely and totally adored my bosses. Every single one was awesome and I can't find, three years later, a single fault with anyone's management styles.

Because of that, I have been brutally honest in interviews. I point blank tell potential employers what I expect from them and what they can expect from me. I am brutal. I work in the hospitality industry (hotels) and I told my last boss that I don't like to be micromanaged and I will call anyone out who tries to do that to me. That I will ask for assistance if I need it, otherwise, leave me alone. And that I may be cranky and bitchy at times, but I will be the best employee they have ever had. And that is basically a direct quote from my interview. I thought I had blown it. Turns out, I got hired 2 months earlier than they said they could hire someone. I found out later it was because of my ballsy attitude in the interview.

I was so ballsy because I had nothing to lose. Granted, part of it was because of my situation at the time, but I figured, why put on a fake front. Why not let them know from the start who I was and how I was and let them decide? It worked out in my favor and I was the golden child of the company. I could back up my attitude with my knowledge. I was ballsy and quick to question the decisions of my superiors. Did they like that? Maybe not. But it showed that I was paying attention, that I had ambition and passion, and I was willing to put my job on the line to call them out on theirs. That doesn't work for every boss, but it works wonders on the 'good ones'. And you want a good one and you deserve a good one, so fight for it.

In my case, yes, I might have been a pain in the ass. But when there was ANY time that any sort of VIP in the company came through my hotel, I was the one they demanded to be there on the front lines. Because I could be 100% professional, yet charming and a smart ass, all at the same time and I knew when to use what.

My very long winded point is that, Mark, you don't seem happy with what you are doing. You don't seem to want to do what you are doing. I think you should consider moving to a midwest state to pursue what you want. The midwest isn't as horrible as people really think it is and I think you'd do better there. At least, in a doing what you really want to do, kind of way. Oklahoma, maybe?

I say this as friendly as I can make it. You seem like a good guy, Mark. You really do. But you seem like you are struggling right now and I'd rather see you struggle in podunk and be able to make possible career strides than beat yourself up about things that aren't likely to change in the area of the country you are currently in.

[AshleyJordan]

Mark, I have noticed a little bit of a change in tone over the past few months and I agree with the others that some of this may be due to an overall lack of satisfaction with your work life, etc. As you know, I have been there! I know how shitty it can make other aspects.

My only advice to you woulud be to treat these boards as a resource-- for brainstorming about work stuff, dating stuff, etc.-- just exchanging ideas with your peers. That's how I've found the QLC boards to be most useful, even though I've gotten the occasional piece of advice from peers here that I've totally disregarded.

I wonder if some of your angst on other threads might be from taking other poster's experiences and opinions too personally? While you're totally entitled (no pun intended ;) ) to strong differences of opinion, take other people's postings with a grain of salt. It's not that serious! Maybe what you're most upset about is something in your own life, not other poster's thoughts on homeownership or credit card debt.

Also, I'm really sorry if this comes across as preachy. I guess my biggest point is that these boards are supposed to be a positive resource, and fun-- with room for lively debates, health dissent, etc. I don't think, though, that posting on this site should be the cause of additional agita in your life, though!

Just an observation, hope you stick around the boards.

[yankeeyosh]

Mark, I have noticed a little bit of a change in tone over the past few months and I agree with the others that some of this may be due to an overall lack of satisfaction with your work life, etc. As you know, I have been there! I know how shitty it can make other aspects.

My only advice to you woulud be to treat these boards as a resource-- for brainstorming about work stuff, dating stuff, etc.-- just exchanging ideas with your peers. That's how I've found the QLC boards to be most useful, even though I've gotten the occasional piece of advice from peers here that I've totally disregarded.

I wonder if some of your angst on other threads might be from taking other poster's experiences and opinions too personally? While you're totally entitled (no pun intended ;) ) to strong differences of opinion, take other people's postings with a grain of salt. It's not that serious! Maybe what you're most upset about is something in your own life, not other poster's thoughts on homeownership or credit card debt.

Also, I'm really sorry if this comes across as preachy. I guess my biggest point is that these boards are supposed to be a positive resource, and fun-- with room for lively debates, health dissent, etc. I don't think, though, that posting on this site should be the cause of additional agita in your life, though!

Just an observation, hope you stick around the boards.

Nah, it's not preachy. And yes, you're right. I am my own worst enemy, more or less. I worry too much about others, and comparing myself to them is not good. I think the best thing I can do is not to read "Work", which is pretty much the main source of my anxiety these days.

But maybe there was a slight change in the air. For instance, when I was sitting down at a restaurant in Wash., D. C. the other day, at the table right next to me was a group of classic Gen 'Y' overachievers. One, who was probably 23, was just yapping away about how he expects to be at vice president level in four or five years and how he loves working 16 hour days, and the others didn't seem amazed (there were a couple of wow's, but I think that was for something else). Two months ago...hell, a week ago, that would have bothered me for days to no end. But Saturday, it was no biggie, and I laughed it off with some Borat later that evening.

And thanks everyone for your kind words!

[pisces2473]

Two months ago...hell, a week ago, that would have bothered me for days to no end. But now, it was no biggie, and I laughed it off with some Borat later that evening.
HIGH FIVE!!!!!

[winneythepooh7]

Nah, it's not preachy. I am my own worst enemy, more or less. I worry too much about others, and comparing myself to them is not good. I think the best thing I can do is not to read "Work", which is pretty much the main source of my anxiety these days.



You are not like everyone else Mark, and no one is like anyone else, either. We all have different experiences and views that shape us. Instead of letting some young buck piss you off, laugh to yourself knowing that he's basically talking out of his ass and he will be in for a rude awakening.

[yankeeyosh]

I totally agree with this. Seriously, excellent post here, shimma.

Mark, I see you reference gen 'x' and 'y' in many of your posts, and I think you are a bit too preoccupied with definitions and labels in that aspect. I read a post you wrote and apparently I'm firmly in the 'Y' generation. I definitely don't feel like it and never have. I've never identified with them. I was born in January 1980, to parents who were 38 (mom) and 44 (dad) and who had a brother who was born in 1968. Technology wise, attitude wise, and just general 'wise', I feel more in tune with gen 'x' and always have.

Fair enough.

I've had many ups and downs in my life and long ago, used to bitch and complain about them much more than I do now. I still feel rather behind my peers as far as career stuff goes. And it continues to frustrate me. I feel like I should be taken just as seriously as my same-age peers and I want the careers they have. But then I'm reminded of two things.

One. I had a friend of mine come to me a couple of years ago. His long term relationship had just come crashing down around him and he was a bit lost. I have no idea why he came to me, but he did. Maybe it was because I had experience a similar situation two years before. He appologized to me for how he supposedly treated me when I was going through what he was now going through. I could have been an ass and done the whole 'I told you so' bit, but I didn't. I just tried to be a friend and told him about how I handled it. I had no friends wisdom to get me through my stuff, so I had to figure it out on my own, so I decided that if I could help a friend, it would be to be honest about what I went through and how I dealt with it. Because I feel that people who are your friends deserve your honesty, even if it's a bit sugar coated. Cliches don't help and are annoying. Real honesty helps.

Yes. Your real friends will reveal their true colors.

Two. My best female friend is 40 years old. She and I are like sisters. We think the same, we act the same, and we have had the same struggles. I look to her for advice and guidance on issues about life and careers and whatnot. She has university degrees and has been in her field for a number of years. Her advice, direct or indirect, is that for most people, life isn't easy. It's not get a job, get a mate, have a happy life. She struggles with similar issues that I do and always has.

She has a job that she hates. She wants to get out of the field and can't, because of pay issues. If she switches fields, she risks taking a pay cut that she just can't afford. She basically hates what she does and is basically powerless to switch to something else. It's not a matter of luxury items that keeps her where she's at. It's about not being able to meet basic needs in another field, because she's done what she's doing for so long.

Right...but I don't want to fall into that trap.

What I take away from her lifestyle is this. She initially fell into this line of work, and enjoyed it at first. After a number of years of making a certain paygrade, she put up with increasing unhappiness, because the pay was decent. She could pay for her car, rent, utilities, and her student loans and have some money left over. But she got sick of the requirements of the job. The costs of the job outweighed the benefits, but she can't seem to get out of it.

I love her dearly and she is honestly my best friend in the world and I hate to see her go through this. I say all of this because I get the feeling that you hate what you are doing, Mark. You went to school to do something (and I've followed you, because I've thought about going into the same field), but you had to settle for something that wasn't quite what you wanted/wasn't quite in your field. That was similar to my friend.

Unfortunately, yes. On the surface, it sounds somewhat related, but in reality, it ain't.

Mark, you are young. You are educated. If you aren't feeling it at your job, why are you still there? Why are you staying? If you hate it, quit. No job it worth your soul.

I'm there because (a) I have to pay a ridiculous rent, (b) it's not a good idea to quit without another job at hand, and (c) I have so much difficulty finding a decent job that it could be a complete disaster.

I am not at all the best example of perfect job performance. I am very excited when I start a new job. And I am fiercely loyal to jobs, companies, bosses who treat me right. I used to not be that way, but I stumbled into a job that I enjoyed with a completely awesome boss. He was so awesome that I haven't worked with him in three years, haven't lived in the same city as him in three years, haven't seen him in three years; yet we talk on the phone once a month (or more) and he is completely and totally supportive of everything I want to do or aspire to do.

Every job I've had since has been measured up to the experience I had at that one. I truly stumbled into the best working situation anyone could ever have. I loved nearly every single co-worker I had and I completely and totally adored my bosses. Every single one was awesome and I can't find, three years later, a single fault with anyone's management styles.

Because of that, I have been brutally honest in interviews. I point blank tell potential employers what I expect from them and what they can expect from me. I am brutal. I work in the hospitality industry (hotels) and I told my last boss that I don't like to be micromanaged and I will call anyone out who tries to do that to me. That I will ask for assistance if I need it, otherwise, leave me alone. And that I may be cranky and bitchy at times, but I will be the best employee they have ever had. And that is basically a direct quote from my interview. I thought I had blown it. Turns out, I got hired 2 months earlier than they said they could hire someone. I found out later it was because of my ballsy attitude in the interview.

I was so ballsy because I had nothing to lose. Granted, part of it was because of my situation at the time, but I figured, why put on a fake front. Why not let them know from the start who I was and how I was and let them decide? It worked out in my favor and I was the golden child of the company. I could back up my attitude with my knowledge. I was ballsy and quick to question the decisions of my superiors. Did they like that? Maybe not. But it showed that I was paying attention, that I had ambition and passion, and I was willing to put my job on the line to call them out on theirs. That doesn't work for every boss, but it works wonders on the 'good ones'. And you want a good one and you deserve a good one, so fight for it.

In my case, yes, I might have been a pain in the ass. But when there was ANY time that any sort of VIP in the company came through my hotel, I was the one they demanded to be there on the front lines. Because I could be 100% professional, yet charming and a smart ass, all at the same time and I knew when to use what.

The problem is that I am walking on such a thin tightrope that anything that sounds "ballsy" on an interview could easily destroy any chances I have. I would love to try that, but I just cannot convey my thoughts in that manner.

My very long winded point is that, Mark, you don't seem happy with what you are doing. You don't seem to want to do what you are doing. I think you should consider moving to a midwest state to pursue what you want. The midwest isn't as horrible as people really think it is and I think you'd do better there. At least, in a doing what you really want to do, kind of way. Oklahoma, maybe?

I have applied to jobs in probably thirty or more states in my time...from Alabama to Indiana to California. It doesn't matter...I get rejected no matter where I try.

I say this as friendly as I can make it. You seem like a good guy, Mark. You really do. But you seem like you are struggling right now and I'd rather see you struggle in podunk and be able to make possible career strides than beat yourself up about things that aren't likely to change in the area of the country you are currently in.

Maybe. I am applying for jobs all over now. Yet so far, no interviews (except one with a company that would probably be a worse experience than the place I work at now).

[AshleyJordan]

Yet so far, no interviews (except one with a company that would probably be a worse experience than the place I work at now).

What makes you think that????

[shimma]

But maybe there was a slight change in the air. For instance, when I was sitting down at a restaurant in Wash., D. C. the other day, at the table right next to me was a group of classic Gen 'Y' overachievers. One, who was probably 23, was just yapping away about how he expects to be at vice president level in four or five years and how he loves working 16 hour days, and the others didn't seem amazed (there were a couple of wow's, but I think that was for something else).


Oh, Mark... this goes back to that convo we had about people being full of shit and talking themselves up to make others feel bad. I can't speak for anywhere else, but stuff like that is huge in DC. #1, sure this guy "expects" to be a VP at 28-ish, but we can "expect" a lot of things, that doesn't mean they happen. Come on, what huge international monolith is going to have someone barely old enough to rent a car running the show?

Id've bet money he was just blowing smoke to make himself look good.

[yankeeyosh]

Oh, Mark... this goes back to that convo we had about people being full of shit and talking themselves up to make others feel bad. I can't speak for anywhere else, but stuff like that is huge in DC. #1, sure this guy "expects" to be a VP at 28-ish, but we can "expect" a lot of things, that doesn't mean they happen. Come on, what huge international monolith is going to have someone barely old enough to rent a car running the show?

Id've bet money he was just blowing smoke to make himself look good.

Well, I think you're right in a way...but these days, it's actually pretty common to see these people rise up like that.

But I think there are signs that I might be starting to mellow...or at least resign to the fact that a good chunk of this gen is entitled and start to move on. There was a pretty entitled post I accidently bumped into earlier today while bored with cleaning spreadsheets, but while I was annoyed, it didn't make me agitated like it would in the past.

[yankeeyosh]

What makes you think that????

I interviewed at this company twice already...once in NOV 01 and again last APR. Especially the April 05 interview, the people there are incredibly Type 'A'...they were literally shaking at the interview. And the phone interview I had was with a very impatient woman who got really ticked off with me. So I think I'd be better off staying put than going to the other place (of course, I was never called back, so that's the end of that).

[dacrunkest]

I think the biggest problem is that it sounds like you worry too much about what other people are doing, and not about doing what is best for you. It's probably best just not to worry about where other people are in life...it's not a race.

[yankeeyosh]

I think the biggest problem is that it sounds like you worry too much about what other people are doing, and not about doing what is best for you. It's probably best just not to worry about where other people are in life...it's not a race.

That's totally accurate. I agree with you.