**New Update** Not a lot of people to talk to

[ExestentialHaze]

Last time I was up to visit my parents, they had a fight and it led to my dad saying he was thinking of moving out.

My parents are so not happy together and I don't know how to take it. When I talk to my mom privately she says she can't get things done, or can't do the things she really wants to do because of my dad.

Now this is really hard for me to talk to anyone about. I haven't really talked to anyone, not even the bf about this cause I see it happening to me and him as well. Am I doing this relationship with my bf the way I am because of my parents? I don't know.

My parents have almost reached the 30 year mark of being together...if they do split up...I will feel obligated to pick favorites between them. And my dad seems to lash out if I say something to defend my mom, and he accuses me of taking her side.

Anyone going through similar times? I am just so overwhelmed with everything anymore.

On a good note...I am pulling all my things together for making my portfolio larger and I applied to 2 jobs this week so far in what I am doing now.

And I seem to be losing a little weight cause I am not eating like a slobish pig like my bf.

Anyway...if anyone has suggestions on the first issue it'd be appreciated.

Thanks!

~Haze

[CTGirl]

Wow, that sounds rough, good luck with it all!

A friend of mine who's parents had been married about that long just got divorced last month. He kinda knew it was coming, and used to joke about "the day they finally split up" but when it actually happened, it hit him a little harder than he expected. He's doing well with it though, and I think a big help in that is the fact that he lives here in CT and his parents are halfway across the country, so he can distance himself from the whole thing, and not get involved in the drama.

As for your relationship, unfortunately, relationship problems are generally passed on from parents to kids - prolly cuz we model our "relationship" behavior after what we see them do. You may want to look into some counseling or something to help you to prevent turning out doing the same thing as your parents.

[WorkInProgress]

Last time I was up to visit my parents, they had a fight and it led to my dad saying he was thinking of moving out.

My parents are so not happy together and I don't know how to take it. When I talk to my mom privately she says she can't get things done, or can't do the things she really wants to do because of my dad.

...

My parents have almost reached the 30 year mark of being together...if they do split up...I will feel obligated to pick favorites between them. And my dad seems to lash out if I say something to defend my mom, and he accuses me of taking her side.

I am so sorry to hear that your parents are having trouble. That is never fun, and from my observation it often hurts kids no matter how old they are.

If your parents split, why will you feel obligated to choose favorites? Will your parents (heaven forbid) make you choose? You will not have to pick one to raise you, as you are already grown. If you cannot discuss the other parent when in the presence of one, then maybe it's best to just talk about other things. (As an adult child who gets to hear both parents venting about the other when they fight--not the same situation as yours, I understand, but kinda similar, sort of--I recommend staying out of the middle of it as much as possible.)

If you haven't already, you might check to see if there are any articles, websites, books, or messageboards devoted to adult children whose parents are divorcing. I would suspect that there are at least a few of these resources out there, since you are far from the only adult whose parents have troubles.

[wordsmith]

I have a sometimes crappy dynamic, because I'm both emotionally and geographically close to my parents, who have been together for more than 30 years. I'm not naive, I know it's not EASY to hold a marriage together that long, and I know from growing up that my house was far from the most idyllic, stress-free home, so I know that although my family rocks, our bonds are strong, we're the most important people to one another, etc., that my parents' marriage is not a fairy tale and has very real problems and challenges and always has.

Because I live near them now, in their middle age, and at a time of transition (they are teetering on the edge of empty-nest time, a time when couples often start to reconnect as a couple, rather than mom and dad of a brood, and take time to do things for themselves, finally). I observe a lot. It's not all very comfortable to observe. I see things that make me sad, and I identify with my mom very much in some of her disappointments with her marriage that are obvious to my eye in a way they didn't used to be. I identify with my dad in a lot of what he goes through, too, and his frustrations. But overall, I feel that if they can't work through some challenges, right now, they might be headed for trouble, and that's pretty hard, especially having come from a family that's always prided itself on staying together, staying strong.

[Kitty]

I've always wanted the best for my parents - whether or not that meant splitting up or staying together.

My dad has always felt as though my brother and I favor my mom (probably true) but that's because she was a stay at home mom and we spent more time with her, she's always been super caring and my dad has always been fairly distant. He didnt have very many responsibilities when it came to raising us because he was the "breadwinner" and so he was always at work or doing stuff around the house, etc. It's sort of sad, really...I'm sure he's depressed now that my brother, mom and I are so close and he's sort of an outcast. Anyway..don't really know that this relates to your post, just putting it out there.

[weary]

haze, i'm sorry about your parents. my grandparents split after 35 years and it was really hard on my mom and her siblings even though they were all grown and some had children of their own. i was pretty young, but have memories of asking grandma where grandpa was the first few times i visited after their split. it also put a strain on my relationship with my grandpa and since i had no father to speak of, it was especially difficult.

i don't know what you can do as far as your parents go, but i would definitely suggest you take it into account when looking at how you deal w/ relationships of your own so you can perhaps learn from their mistakes (and hopefully not repeat them).

[CityGal]

Last time I was up to visit my parents, they had a fight and it led to my dad saying he was thinking of moving out.

My parents are so not happy together and I don't know how to take it. When I talk to my mom privately she says she can't get things done, or can't do the things she really wants to do because of my dad.

Now this is really hard for me to talk to anyone about. I haven't really talked to anyone, not even the bf about this cause I see it happening to me and him as well. Am I doing this relationship with my bf the way I am because of my parents? I don't know.

My parents have almost reached the 30 year mark of being together...if they do split up...I will feel obligated to pick favorites between them. And my dad seems to lash out if I say something to defend my mom, and he accuses me of taking her side.

Anyone going through similar times? I am just so overwhelmed with everything anymore.

On a good note...I am pulling all my things together for making my portfolio larger and I applied to 2 jobs this week so far in what I am doing now.

And I seem to be losing a little weight cause I am not eating like a slobish pig like my bf.

Anyway...if anyone has suggestions on the first issue it'd be appreciated.

Thanks!

~Haze

Hello Haze,

Congrats on getting fit and putting together your portfolio. Honestly, I have never really gone through a parent breakup. When my parents split, I was 3 years old so I never grew up with both of them. I did despise my dad growing up and my mom for making me do the visitation. I understand that this is a truly tough time for you, but I believe there is nothing your can really do to remedy your parents situation (Don't remember if you asked for solutions). What I have learned within the past few weeks is that one should keep their focus on themselves because there is no way you can change other people. If you work on yourself (which you seem to have been doing), than you won't get caught up in your parent's drama. Don't let them make you choose. If this truly affects you, I suggest sitting down with both of them and explaining it to them. You can tell them you love them both EQUALLY but will not get involved in their drama or choosing sides....tell them that you expect allowances from each of them now and they may be able to buy your love if the price is right. ;)

[wordsmith]

I've always wanted the best for my parents - whether or not that meant splitting up or staying together.

This is my feeling, too, now that I'm grown (when I was a kid, I couldn't have imagined them splitting up and would have felt like it was ruining my life, I'm sure).

I feel guilty feeling and thinking it, but I feel like if my mom left, she'd gain some measure of independence she doesn't have, and wouldn't feel so taken for granted all the time, and my dad would learn a lot about himself and how much he's had done for him, and learn a bit about being more appreciative.

[cache]

This is my feeling, too, now that I'm grown (when I was a kid, I couldn't have imagined them splitting up and would have felt like it was ruining my life, I'm sure).

I feel guilty feeling and thinking it, but I feel like if my mom left, she'd gain some measure of independence she doesn't have, and wouldn't feel so taken for granted all the time, and my dad would learn a lot about himself and how much he's had done for him, and learn a bit about being more appreciative.

By the time I was ~17, I began encouraging my mom to get divorced.

...but she grew up classic Catholic, so you know how far that got....

[wordsmith]

I tell my mom all the time that my dad isn't going to appreciate the things that are done for him unless they stop being done. I love my dad, but he takes shit for granted like he's owed it. She's not a strong enough personality type to just quit making meals and cleaning clothes and all the Suzy Homemaker shit and hand and foot waiting she elects to do in addition to a full-time job, I think removing herself from the situation is the only way she'd be able to make her point. Because she won't just quit doing it.

She tells me she's knows she can't support herself, becuase she doesn't have a degree. I think she's probably right. So what can you do.

[weary]

By the time I was ~17, I began encouraging my mom to get divorced.

...but she grew up classic Catholic, so you know how far that got....

ha. i kept encouraging my mom to date; didn't get very far either. she grew up catholic too [but ditched it as an adult and didn't raise me as one.]

i wonder what's worse? being single and giving up on love or being married and same? (i'm kind of afraid i'm doing the former.)

[WorkInProgress]

I feel guilty feeling and thinking it, but I feel like if my mom left, she'd gain some measure of independence she doesn't have, and wouldn't feel so taken for granted all the time, and my dad would learn a lot about himself and how much he's had done for him, and learn a bit about being more appreciative.

I occasionally have this thought or similar (which generally goes along the lines of, "what would he/she do if the other died?":eek:), and if my parents split, I actually think neither would be better off. Yeah, my mom would have some independence that she doesn't have now, but she also doesn't have a job outside of the home and hasn't in decades. How would she support herself? And dad would definitely learn a whole lot about what my mother does for him and I think he'd be more appreciative (but in general I don't think he takes her for granted too much). I think if they split, they'd end up together again. I think they'll stick together at least for necessity and for love, because they do love each other visibly.

My grandparents did divorce and then remarry (some, but not all, of their issues were resolved during their time apart). They don't like to talk about it.

[wordsmith]

I occasionally have this thought or similar (which generally goes along the lines of, "what would he/she do if the other died?":eek:), and if my parents split, I actually think neither would be better off. Yeah, my mom would have some independence that she doesn't have now, but she also doesn't have a job outside of the home and hasn't in decades. How would she support herself? And dad would definitely learn a whole lot about what my mother does for him and I think he'd be more appreciative (but in general I don't think he takes her for granted too much). I think if they split, they'd end up together again. I think they'll stick together at least for necessity and for love, because they do love each other visibly.

My grandparents did divorce and then remarry (some, but not all, of their issues were resolved during their time apart). They don't like to talk about it.

So what's the answer? My mom has a job, she's not longer a stay at home mom, that's been the case for more than 10 years, now. But it's not something you could live off of, as a single income, and it has no benefits, etc. Get roommates at 55? Right. So does she stick around in an unsatisfactory situation because she literally can't afford independence? That seems like a poor alternative. But I really think her being gone is the only way my dad would wake up. Or maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he'd feel better off on his own, even with nobody doing for him. He's a solitary sort. She might be afraid that's true, too.

[WorkInProgress]

So what's the answer? My mom has a job, she's not longer a stay at home mom, that's been the case for more than 10 years, now. But it's not something you could live off of, as a single income, and it has no benefits, etc. Get roommates at 55? Right. So does she stick around in an unsatisfactory situation because she literally can't afford independence? That seems like a poor alternative. But I really think her being gone is the only way my dad would wake up. Or maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he'd feel better off on his own, even with nobody doing for him. He's a solitary sort. She might be afraid that's true, too.

The answer is she sticks around, even if it's not an ideal situation because she can't afford not to. It's what my decision would be. It's what my mother's would be. (This, is, of course, not talking about a situation that involves violent physical domestic abuse, because then it's better to live in poverty than to live in fear of death.) It is a very, very poor alternative, but that's pretty much what there is, unless she's gonna move in with one of the kids.

If my mom didn't cook for my dad, and he lived with somebody else, he'd expect that person to do it. (True story: my mom had to go take care of a family member of hers who was dying for a couple months toward the end of my first year of college. When it was just my dad and my brother, they seriously just ate hamburgers and hot dogs. When I got home from school, I got to be the cook--it was the first time in over a month that they'd eated vegetables. :eek: :rolleyes: I have no reason to expect that it would be different if my mother ever left or predeceased him. I also got to make the grocery list, take my father grocery shopping, which is worse than taking a small child, by the way, help figure out how to pay the bills, because my mom takes care of that, make sure the house was clean, etc.)

[cache]

If my mom didn't cook for my dad, and he lived with somebody else, he'd expect that person to do it. (True story: my mom had to go take care of a family member of hers who was dying for a couple months toward the end of my first year of college. When it was just my dad and my brother, they seriously just ate hamburgers and hot dogs. When I got home from school, I got to be the cook--it was the first time in over a month that they'd eated vegetables. :eek: :rolleyes: I have no reason to expect that it would be different if my mother ever left or predeceased him. I also got to make the grocery list, take my father grocery shopping, which is worse than taking a small child, by the way, help figure out how to pay the bills, because my mom takes care of that, make sure the house was clean, etc.)

LOL...the few times that my dad had to do dinner, we always had hot dogs. Pot of water, heat the hot dogs, loaf of bread, done!

[CTGirl]

Because I live near them now, in their middle age, and at a time of transition (they are teetering on the edge of empty-nest time, a time when couples often start to reconnect as a couple, rather than mom and dad of a brood, and take time to do things for themselves, finally). I observe a lot. It's not all very comfortable to observe. I see things that make me sad, and I identify with my mom very much in some of her disappointments with her marriage that are obvious to my eye in a way they didn't used to be. I identify with my dad in a lot of what he goes through, too, and his frustrations. But overall, I feel that if they can't work through some challenges, right now, they might be headed for trouble, and that's pretty hard, especially having come from a family that's always prided itself on staying together, staying strong.

Really? My parents have gotten so much closer since they've become empty-nesters because they finally have time to spend with one another. Now they go on trips on the weekends together and have hobbies together that they never had a chance to when we were around.

[weary]

LOL...the few times that my dad had to do dinner, we always had hot dogs. Pot of water, heat the hot dogs, loaf of bread, done!
i can't believe that people actually live/eat like this! :eek: hot dogs...blech.

[wordsmith]

The answer is she sticks around, even if it's not an ideal situation because she can't afford not to. It's what my decision would be. It's what my mother's would be. (This, is, of course, not talking about a situation that involves violent physical domestic abuse, because then it's better to live in poverty than to live in fear of death.) It is a very, very poor alternative, but that's pretty much what there is, unless she's gonna move in with one of the kids.

If my mom didn't cook for my dad, and he lived with somebody else, he'd expect that person to do it. (True story: my mom had to go take care of a family member of hers who was dying for a couple months toward the end of my first year of college. When it was just my dad and my brother, they seriously just ate hamburgers and hot dogs. When I got home from school, I got to be the cook--it was the first time in over a month that they'd eated vegetables. :eek: :rolleyes: I have no reason to expect that it would be different if my mother ever left or predeceased him. I also got to make the grocery list, take my father grocery shopping, which is worse than taking a small child, by the way, help figure out how to pay the bills, because my mom takes care of that, make sure the house was clean, etc.)

If left fend for himself, my dad would eat spam and canned fruit cocktail. Endlessly. And he'd ruin all his laundry, and his bookkeeping would never be done. And the house would look like a machine shop or toolshed in under a week Your dynamic sounds very similar to the one I am intimately familiar with, by the way.

It makes me angry at my mom, too, because she allows the cycle to be perpetuated by buying into "He won't fend for himself, so I'd better." Well, he's not gonna if he doesn't HAVE to. Dumb middle America 1950s Donna Reed setup. And, hello...she works a physically and emotionally draining job outside the home, AS WELL.

[wordsmith]

Really? My parents have gotten so much closer since they've become empty-nesters because they finally have time to spend with one another. Now they go on trips on the weekends together and have hobbies together that they never had a chance to when we were around.

See, that's just the thing. My mom expected that that would happen. She's been looking forward to it. My dad, unfortunately, is now set in his ways, and isn't interested in all that.

[WorkInProgress]

Your dynamic sounds very similar to the one I am intimately familiar with, by the way.

Um yeah. Fortunately, like I've said, they do love each other, and I think they will stay together out of that, rather than just out of necessity. Also, it's a bit different because my mother does not work outside of the home. But yeah, I think it's the same general dynamic.

[wordsmith]

Mine love each other, but for my dad, love is very bound up in somebody taking care of all your loose ends so you don't have to worry about them. For my mom, love is bound up in nurturing and meeting those needs, but not to the point where it becomes expected and isn't appreciated, but just seen as a given. There is love, but I really do feel like my mom gets the short end of the stick/puts up with a lot of crap and lack of consideration. It makes me mad.

And the thing is, growing up, I was always closest to my dad.

[WorkInProgress]

Mine love each other, but for my dad, love is very bound up in somebody taking care of all your loose ends so you don't have to worry about them. For my mom, love is bound up in nurturing and meeting those needs, but not to the point where it becomes expected and isn't appreciated, but just seen as a given. There is love, but I really do feel like my mom gets the short end of the stick/puts up with a lot of crap and lack of consideration. It makes me mad.

That blows. I'm so sorry about it.

As far as my parents go, I think they both pretty much have an equal split of the good and the bad. Even with all the crap, I think they both have a pretty sweet deal.

[wordsmith]

I really think my dad has a way sweeter deal than my mom does. They both work really hard, but only one of them gets taken for granted/left feeling unappreciated.

And it's not even done cruelly or meanly or in an overtly abusive manner. Just in an oblivious manner (although I'm not sure how that can be, as it's been brought to his attention that it sucks). And if you continue to point it out, the response is defensiveness, which is really irritating.

As a whole, it breaks my heart. I know my dad loves my mom, but I also know that he doesn't make a very concerted effort to show it, whether in word or in action. And it matters that you show it.

[WorkInProgress]

I really think my dad has a way sweeter deal than my mom does. They both work really hard, but only one of them gets taken for granted/left feeling unappreciated.

And it's not even done cruelly or meanly or in an overtly abusive manner. Just in an oblivious manner (although I'm not sure how that can be, as it's been brought to his attention that it sucks). And if you continue to point it out, the response is defensiveness, which is really irritating.

As a whole, it breaks my heart.

I can understand this, and I would break mine too.

My parents, however, both take each other for granted (with different things, though).

[and1grad]

i don't know what you can do as far as your parents go, but i would definitely suggest you take it into account when looking at how you deal w/ relationships of your own so you can perhaps learn from their mistakes (and hopefully not repeat them).
Totally agree. Also, maybe find a role model couple. Is there a couple that you know of that seems to have a great relationship, and if so, what makes it great? Pay attention to the things that you see couples do the right way. Seeing that kind of thing could help restore your faith in your own relationships too.

[ExestentialHaze]

Totally agree. Also, maybe find a role model couple. Is there a couple that you know of that seems to have a great relationship, and if so, what makes it great? Pay attention to the things that you see couples do the right way. Seeing that kind of thing could help restore your faith in your own relationships too.


That is what I am trying to find....faith that you CAN have a healthy wonderful relationship. I just have little faith that my parents will stay together the way my dad has been treating my mom. I can't talk to them about their problems cause I think that is their issue. I wish I lived further away so they can see I have finally grown up. Being an only child really does suck for me.

My main problem is that my parents WON'T let me grow up.

~Haze

[weary]

My main problem is that my parents WON'T let me grow up.

~Haze
that's only YOUR problem if you let it be. you are an adult. you are GROWN UP. how your parents choose to view you/treat you is THEIR problem....and only yours if you let it be.

[Orca]

Really? My parents have gotten so much closer since they've become empty-nesters because they finally have time to spend with one another. Now they go on trips on the weekends together and have hobbies together that they never had a chance to when we were around.

Mine too. I keep having phone calls with them along the lines of "sorry, can't chat, we're actually in Dublin this weekend....". My sister and I think they've both gone wild since we left home, and spend most of their time spending our inheritance. I think it's because they suddenly went from paying for two kids, and a mortgage to having piad off the mortgage, kids moved out and my mum got a must better job. So for the first time they have disposable income as well as extra time. they also seem to have a lot more friends and hobbies. Especially my mum who has taken up lots of crafts and does a lot more things for herself than she used to do.

[ExestentialHaze]

that's only YOUR problem if you let it be. you are an adult. you are GROWN UP. how your parents choose to view you/treat you is THEIR problem....and only yours if you let it be.


WeLL IT'S ALSO been an issue where my mom opens my mail too that still goes to their house. I have told her at least 5 times not to open my mail...I go up to visit so freakin much I can get my mail if I get any. And I was stern with her the last 3 times too very adult like about it.

I have tried.

~Haze

[weary]

WeLL IT'S ALSO been an issue where my mom opens my mail too that still goes to their house. I have told her at least 5 times not to open my mail...I go up to visit so freakin much I can get my mail if I get any. And I was stern with her the last 3 times too very adult like about it.

I have tried.

~Haze
have your mail forwarded. and, your mom's committing a federal offense, btw...opening your mail.

how does opening one's mail relate to not letting a child grow up though? it's nosey, but i don't see what makes is repressive.

[ExestentialHaze]

have your mail forwarded. and, your mom's committing a federal offense, btw...opening your mail.

how does opening one's mail relate to not letting a child grow up though? it's nosey, but i don't see what makes is repressive.

It was a bill for AOL that I had already taken care of...and she has recieved it three times at her house...even after I have had changed billing address like 4-5 times.

Seems like they want to be up in everything in my life and I don't want them to be.

Can I say that to my parents without having to sound sarcastic? That's what my dad tells me I do...and that I am the most selfish person he knows. Which by the way I am not I try and take care of everyone else before myself.

Which could be the main problem of me not being able to go on a vacation in 4 years. I just can't find time by myself anymore.

Another big issue is..I guess I don't know how to be a grown up.

:cry:

~Haze

[cache]

Do a change of address at the post office, so none of your mail even goes to that house, even if it is addressed there.