Hurt feelings.

[wordsmith]

Somebody hurts your feelings. How do you respond?

Is your response different based on who it is? Are there some people you react to differently?

What happens when you respond to somebody hurting your feelings?

[AshleyJordan]

Depends on the situation. I usually explain why I'm hurt, and often ask them point-blank why they did whatever it was. Generally, if I'm upset over something it was a pretty overtly offensive diss from someone, so I can easily ask, "WTF?"

[Ciderhillnh]

Typically I tell them directly 'that hurt my feelings'
If its a friend Ill tell them that but brush it over once they know they hurt my feelings, typically they say they are sorry, I give them some background on why it hurt my feelings, they learn about me....and we move on.

If its an SO----Ill say that it hurt my feelings and why, then ask them to not do it again.

If its my parents, I dont say a thing, because they will then tell me to have a thicker skin or that they were just kidding.

In all instances, I usually dont say anythign the first time around, if its said again Ill then speak up.

[AshleyJordan]

In all instances, I usually dont say anythign the first time around, if its said again Ill then speak up.

I used to do that, too-- and I was constantly pissed at people and they didn't know why, cause I wouldn't say anything! I think it's kinda passive-agressive to do so. Now I say something nicely and immediately-- and we're all happier!

[WorkInProgress]

Depends on who it is, whether it was intentional, my mood to begin with, and sometimes what it was about.

In general, though, I get quiet and withdrawn, and want to be alone. I internalize, and probably more than I should.

[Ciderhillnh]

I dont get pissed off or have them think something is wrong and not tell them what......basically I keep it to myself and move on but keep a mental note...if it happens again then I say something right then and there (or when in the car alone if we are out or at a party...no sense in having drama in the middle of a good night or talking about something like that in front of others)

[Winter Storm]

Somebody hurts your feelings. How do you respond?

Is your response different based on who it is? Are there some people you react to differently?

What happens when you respond to somebody hurting your feelings?

Oooh, this is a tricky as I have many different responses.

It depends on the person and the nature of oue relationship and how they hurt me that will determine how I respond. If its work related, I usually let it go and try not too get too upset. If it is a casual friend, I may pout a bit and maybe make a comment. If it is a close friend, I may get very upset and verbally tell them how I feel.

And of course the level of hurt will determine how much I respond or how big of a deal I make it.

But usually I am calm and lay everything out there and offer some way they could have handled it differently or handle me differently in the future.

[wordsmith]

What if somebody repeatedly hurts your feelings, regardless of previous addressing?

[Kitty]

Somebody hurts your feelings. How do you respond?

Is your response different based on who it is? Are there some people you react to differently?

What happens when you respond to somebody hurting your feelings?

There are a lot of variables, some of them being: who hurt my feelings, what was done to hurt my feelings, how hurt I feel, how I think the person will respond to me, etc.

If it's someone I can be totally and completely honest and open with, then I will just tell them exactly how I'm feeling. The only people I really feel this way about are my mom, brother, and D. In these situations, I usually wait until I feel like I've thought everything over and also put myself in their shoes before I'll say anything. I like to be as calm as possible when I express being hurt - I find that it helps me express myself the best. I also like to have thought everything out.

With my family and D, the response is usually great - very understanding, tries to understand where I'm coming from, and explains their side/point. Usually some sort of understanding is reached and we'll talk about how to change/improve the situation moving forward. I HATE to dwell, though. I don't think that's productive for anyone and I don't think it's fair to bring up these things over and over again.

There's a lot of other people in the world who have hurt my feelings and I may or may not say anything or do anything to rectify the situation. I realize that sometimes I may not be justified in feeling hurt (for example, I feel hurt but they didn't really do anything wrong). I tend to be really sensitive about things, and so I try to weigh that into my decision. With these types of people, if they hurt my feelings, I usually just close off to them a bit. Because I've been hurt by something they've said or done, it's hard for me to forget that and I'll usually be more cautious in my interactions with them.

I guess the majority of people in this second group probably aren't too concerned with my feelings being hurt. I'd assume they'd say or do whatever necessary to try and smooth over the problem and make me feel better - but how sincere and genuine it is really depends. I'm sure some people would probably just blow the whole thing off.

[Winter Storm]

What if somebody repeatedly hurts your feelings, regardless of previous addressing?

Well, if they fail to make changes and continue to hurt you over and over, I don't see much reason in keeping them around. Took me awhile, but I've learned to cut those people off.

Sometimes you gotta handle these things just like if you were in a dating situation. If you were dating someone tht continued to hurt you, you wouldn't keep him around for long, would you? Sometimes we have to do this on a friendship level too.

[tina1979]

Depends on who it is, whether it was intentional, my mood to begin with, and sometimes what it was about.

In general, though, I get quiet and withdrawn, and want to be alone. I internalize, and probably more than I should.
this is exatcly how I handle it 90% of the time

Sometimes depending on my mood I will just haul off with a WTF! have an argument, then apologize for being so harsh with my response, then explain what I am feeling. Backasswards, I know. :rolleyes:

[Kitty]

Sometimes depending on my mood I will just haul off with a WTF! have an argument, then apologize for being so harsh with my response, then explain what I am feeling. Backasswards, I know. :rolleyes:

I've done that a lot too!

[wordsmith]

Depends on who it is, whether it was intentional, my mood to begin with, and sometimes what it was about.

In general, though, I get quiet and withdrawn, and want to be alone. I internalize, and probably more than I should.

I probably have spent most of my nearly 30 years of life doing exactly this. Mostly because I have a lot of pride, and it always bothered me to let anybody see that they hurt me. It still does, unless it's somebody very close to me.

But in the past several years, finally some of the "Respect yourself enough to stand up for what you're feeling" admonitions I've gotten over the years must have stuck, because I started feeling okay about calling people on it if they hurt my feelings, and quit feeling like acknowledging hurt made me appear weaker or flawed or like something was wrong with me for feeling hurt .

I still only bother with speaking up if it's somebody I'm pretty close to...if it's not, I don't see any point, I just suck it up. But I've finally started to feel like people you're close to SHOULD be accountable for hurting your feelings. Now, I don't hold back, if somebody hurts me, most of the time, I'll let them know.

The problem? People quit listening. They decide you're just thin-skinned. You're no better off than if you just internalized it, like I've always done. Because now, if I say to a repeat offender, "That hurt my feelings," It's like, "Yeah, and everything hurts your feelings," and the ears shut off.

[Kitty]

The problem? People quit listening. They decide you're just thin-skinned. You're no better off than if you just internalized it, like I've always done. Because now, if I say to a repeat offender, "That hurt my feelings," It's like, "Yeah, and everything hurts your feelings," and the ears shut off.

I would probably delete someone like that from my life.

[wordsmith]

What if you actually are too thin-skinned? How do you know?

[Kitty]

What if you actually are too thin-skinned? How do you know?

I think it goes back to some of what I posted. I really do try to take a step back and say, "Am I just being too sensitive here? Have I thought about their side of the story?" etc. But, if it's someone I'm really close to, then I usually tell them either way. Maybe I'm too thin-skinned, maybe not, but I really can't have someone who is close to me discarding my feelings like that. I guess it comes down to finding friends/SOs who don't think you're too thin-skinned and will listen and work through anything you're feeling.

[Winter Storm]

What if you actually are too thin-skinned? How do you know?

I say you are too thin-skinned when it affects you so deeply, you have trouble dealing even the slightest little pains of life. I don't think that is you. I think some people are too insensitive and thick-skinned.

[Kitty]

I say you are too thin-skinned when it affects you so deeply, you have trouble dealing even the slightest little pains of life.
Reminds me of Holden in Catcher in the Rye.

[Winter Storm]

Reminds me of Holden in Catcher in the Rye.

Ok, now you're talking over my head. :p

[wordsmith]

Maybe I'm too thin-skinned, maybe not, but I really can't have someone who is close to me discarding my feelings like that. I guess it comes down to finding friends/SOs who don't think you're too thin-skinned and will listen and work through anything you're feeling.

Do those people exist, those people who will work through anything you're feeling and not get frustrated and start to discount you, or just stop listening entirely because they feel they've heard it all before? I'm not sure, and probably was always skeptical that they did, hence the spending more than two decades bottling stuff up.

[Kitty]

Do those people exist, those people who will work through anything you're feeling and not get frustrated and start to discount you, or just stop listening entirely because they feel they've heard it all before? I'm not sure, and probably was always skeptical that they did, hence the spending more than two decades bottling stuff up.

Yeah, they do (at least for my level of thin-skinnedness). Both my ex bf and my current bf are really great. Never felt like my feelings were discarded. Although, like I said earlier, I don't dwell on things. I dont' think it's fair to continually bring up times you were hurt int he past, or past feelings, etc. unless I really feel I need to.

[WorkInProgress]

What if somebody repeatedly hurts your feelings, regardless of previous addressing?

It's time to have a serious discussion with said person, and/or distance yourself from him/her. This may not always be possible (like if it's a family member who you pretty much have to see, if you want to spend time with other family members), but time with that person needs to be limited, whenever possible.

Alternatively, do what you can to learn to not let what that person says affect you. I know, lame advice, but there it is.

[wordsmith]

But what if you bring up current things that bother you, and they're discounted because you've brought up other things in the past, and it's all seen as just you looking for something to be upset about?

[Kitty]

But what if you bring up current things that bother you, and they're discounted because you've brought up other things in the past, and it's all seen as just you looking for something to be upset about?

Then that's lame. period.

[Kitty]

Alternatively, do what you can to learn to not let what that person says affect you. I know, lame advice, but there it is.

That probably won't work, unless you stop caring about the person.

[red]

Do those people exist, those people who will work through anything you're feeling and not get frustrated and start to discount you, or just stop listening entirely because they feel they've heard it all before? I'm not sure, and probably was always skeptical that they did, hence the spending more than two decades bottling stuff up.

yes they do. really. i'm one of those people! so there's your proof.

but if someone continually hurts my feelings i just delete them if i can/ if i can't (like my ILs) i keep them at a safe distance. their loss.

[Winter Storm]

But what if you bring up current things that bother you, and they're discounted because you've brought up other things in the past, and it's all seen as just you looking for something to be upset about?

If when you turn to someone and let them know how you feel about things and this is what you get back , then not only are they not being helpful at all, but they aren't being much of a friend either.

[Kitty]

That also smells of a power struggle going on...

[WorkInProgress]

That probably won't work, unless you stop caring about the person.

Yep, which is why it's lame advice, because there's only so much you can do about liking a person.

However, in general if a person keeps hurting my feelings (and it's intentional, as it is when that person knows what that my feelings get hurt by his/her action) my feelings kinda take care of themselves.

[Chameleon]

This setup is so mysteriously vague... Who are these people and why you can't tell them to take a flying leap?

If the "friend" keeps hurting you and rebuffing efforts to rectify the issue, then it's past time to stop putting yourself in a position to be hurt by this person. Fool me once... If you can't get the person out of your life, then you'll have to compartmentalize and not trust the person in situations where they can hurt you. If the situations are unavoidable, you have no choice but to grow thicker skin, it's the only thing you have some control over.

If old stuff keeps coming up, it might be time to realize that it's not going to be resolved to your liking and either let it go or keep holding a grudge. Letting it go usually takes less energy.

[shimma]

This setup is so mysteriously vague... Who are these people and why you can't tell them to take a flying leap?

If the "friend" keeps hurting you and rebuffing efforts to rectify the issue, then it's past time to stop putting yourself in a position to be hurt by this person. Fool me once... If you can't get the person out of your life, then you'll have to compartmentalize and not trust the person in situations where they can hurt you. If the situations are unavoidable, you have no choice but to grow thicker skin, it's the only thing you have some control over.

If old stuff keeps coming up, it might be time to realize that it's not going to be resolved to your liking and either let it go or keep holding a grudge. Letting it go usually takes less energy.

Gotta agree, and the vagueness makes me curious.

Here's the deal. I think you're on the more sensitive side, but not so sensitive that it's ridiculous. If someone wants the privelege of having a relationship with you (be it friend, family member, or romantic) that person is making the conscious choice to accept you for who you are and how you are, and even if they think that you're far too sensitive, should not consciously and repeatedly be doing stuff to push your buttons.

If they are purposely doing stuff to push your buttons, then you need to reevaluate. There is no need for a friendship that is not mutually beneficial.

[Kitty]

I thought about this while I was getting coffee and..

I also feel like someone telling you "Oh, you're just sensitive" or "Oh, you're too thin-skinned" is being manipulative and playing mind games because the person being accused of being too sensitive is going to start questioning everything they feel and what they should and shouldnt say..etc.

[shimma]

I also feel like someone telling you "Oh, you're just sensitive" or "Oh, you're too thin-skinned" is being manipulative and playing mind games because the person being accused of being too sensitive is going to start questioning everything they feel and what they should and shouldnt say..etc.

Good point.

[Krishna]

Somebody hurts your feelings. How do you respond?

Is your response different based on who it is? Are there some people you react to differently?

What happens when you respond to somebody hurting your feelings?

It depends on who has hurt my feelings. The range of responses also depends on how hurt I feel. I've been known to cry occasionally (like when my boyfriend hurts my feelings). If it's just something minor, I usually tell them off. :p

[Chameleon]

I also feel like someone telling you "Oh, you're just sensitive" or "Oh, you're too thin-skinned" is being manipulative and playing mind games because the person being accused of being too sensitive is going to start questioning everything they feel and what they should and shouldnt say..etc.
I think there's a lack of respect tied into that as well. If someone I liked told me I was hurting them, I would do my best to stop. However, if someone kept chiding or correcting me to the point that I felt that I can't really be myself around them, I would tell them to quit their bitching but at the same time I won't expect them to like me cuz hey, I annoy the crap out of them.

If the person is treating you badly and you are still behaving like you are best buds, there is a huge disconnect between how you are acting and how you really feel about each other.

[and1grad]

Somebody hurts your feelings. How do you respond?

Is your response different based on who it is? Are there some people you react to differently?

What happens when you respond to somebody hurting your feelings?
What the hell, I'll be the first guy to respond. My feelings rarely get hurt as I'm mostly numb by now but how I respond is based on the person, the intent, and my mood at the time. Sometimes I FEEL like being angry and if someone gives me a reason to be at them, FANTASTIC. Sometimes I'll let most anything go. Very situational. The response varies almost just as much. A lot of times people are oblivious to what might get to you...which goes back to intent. With my friends, this is the case about 98% of the time.

[shimma]

WhSometimes I FEEL like being angry and if someone gives me a reason to be at them, FANTASTIC.
But that doesn't really keep your relationships strong for one thing and for another that's a way to dump all over another person to a degree they don't deserve.

A lot of times people are oblivious to what might get to you...which goes back to intent. With my friends, this is the case about 98% of the time.
I don't understand - do you not know your friends very well? For me, "friend" has a higher threshhold, and someone isn't there till I completely trust them and know them pretty well. (and thus, I know what would or would not offend them with about 80% accuracy). Maybe that's not you, though?

[WorkInProgress]

Sometimes I FEEL like being angry and if someone gives me a reason to be at them, FANTASTIC.

This happens with me on occassion too. Like I'm just looking for a fight. I'm not really proud of that, but it does happen. Usually with my mother. Also not something I'm proud of.

[weary]

This happens with me on occassion too. Like I'm just looking for a fight. I'm not really proud of that, but it does happen. Usually with my mother. Also not something I'm proud of.

me too. and worse, it's with my kid or boss.

[tina1979]

This happens with me on occassion too. Like I'm just looking for a fight. I'm not really proud of that, but it does happen. Usually with my mother. Also not something I'm proud of.
Me too. Its usually with my siser though. We tend to use each other like punching bags then go back to being friends again.

[WorkInProgress]

Me too. Its usually with my siser though. We tend to use each other like punching bags then go back to being friends again.

Yep, me and my mom too.

[tina1979]

Yep, me and my mom too.
my mom and I do it on the occasion, but my sister and I do it all the time. :)

[wordsmith]

This happens with me on occassion too. Like I'm just looking for a fight. I'm not really proud of that, but it does happen. Usually with my mother. Also not something I'm proud of.

It happens to me, but really only with my parents, becaues they're on the short list (so short they're probably the only ones on it) of people I feel like I can rage at without utterly alienating. Not fair, but I know they'll still love me if I blow my stack at them. And they're the only ones I have that certainty with.

[WorkInProgress]

It happens to me, but really only with my parents, becaues they're on the short list (so short they're probably the only ones on it) of people I feel like I can rage at without utterly alienating. Not fair, but I know they'll still love me if I blow my stack at them. And they're the only ones I have that certainty with.

Yeah, I think that's pretty much why I do that with my mom. It still sucks on my part, though.

[weary]

It happens to me, but really only with my parents, becaues they're on the short list (so short they're probably the only ones on it) of people I feel like I can rage at without utterly alienating. Not fair, but I know they'll still love me if I blow my stack at them. And they're the only ones I have that certainty with.

it don't mean this to come off as twisted or over-needy, but i think it's reassuring to have that certainty sometimes. especially if you're like me, and have trust and relationship (friend, family, romantic, etc) issues. i think i take it way more personal/seriously than most, and therefore need that certainty to feel secure. it doesn't just apply to rage though...it's also with breaking down/appearing vulnerable, allowing myself to depend on someone else, and on and on...

(what is that saying about what friends are? something like, "friends know you better than anyone else and love you anyway"...)

[red]

I also feel like someone telling you "Oh, you're just sensitive" or "Oh, you're too thin-skinned" is being manipulative and playing mind games because the person being accused of being too sensitive is going to start questioning everything they feel and what they should and shouldnt say..etc.

i couldn't agree more. definitely manipulative.

[WorkInProgress]

it don't mean this to come off as twisted or over-needy, but i think it's reassuring to have that certainty sometimes. especially if you're like me, and have trust and relationship (friend, family, romantic, etc) issues. i think i take it way more personal/seriously than most, and therefore need that certainty to feel secure. it doesn't just apply to rage though...it's also with breaking down/appearing vulnerable, allowing myself to depend on someone else, and on and on...

(what is that saying about what friends are? something like, "friends know you better than anyone else and love you anyway"...)

Totally understand and agree.

[wordsmith]

it don't mean this to come off as twisted or over-needy, but i think it's reassuring to have that certainty sometimes. especially if you're like me, and have trust and relationship (friend, family, romantic, etc) issues. i think i take it way more personal/seriously than most, and therefore need that certainty to feel secure. it doesn't just apply to rage though...it's also with breaking down/appearing vulnerable, allowing myself to depend on someone else, and on and on...

(what is that saying about what friends are? something like, "friends know you better than anyone else and love you anyway"...)

No, I know, and it sucks, because it's not right to beat up on the people who care about you just because you have the security of knowing they won't drop you for doing it. But people who see the worst parts of you and still care for you and let you know that they do are very important people to have, yes.

I'm more comfortable showing vulnerabilities, breaking down, etc. than I am showing anger, though. I feel like if I get angry with somebody, they're gonna be like, "You are so not worth this...see ya." It's when I'm angry with somebody that I'm at my most unappealing, IMO.

[weary]

No, I know, and it sucks, because it's not right to beat up on the people who care about you just because you have the security of knowing they won't drop you for doing it. But people who see the worst parts of you and still care for you and let you know that they do are very important people to have, yes.

I'm more comfortable showing vulnerabilities, breaking down, etc. than I am showing anger, though. I feel like if I get angry with somebody, they're gonna be like, "You are so not worth this...see ya."

i'm the opposite. i'll cut someone off or go off on them much faster than they'll see me cry/know they've hurt me. of course anyone w/ half a brain knows this is just a defense mechanism and that my anger is just a [patheic excuse of a] veil for my pain. i think i tend to leave before being left, even if being left is more of a fear of mine than a realistic possibility.

[and1grad]

But that doesn't really keep your relationships strong for one thing and for another that's a way to dump all over another person to a degree they don't deserve.
You're right in that they dont always deserve it...but sometimes they do. I dont agree that it weakens my relationship b/c if your friendship cant withstand a fight, how strong was it to begin with? My friendships are damn strong and thats only b/c with my friends and I, its worth it.
I don't understand - do you not know your friends very well? For me, "friend" has a higher threshhold, and someone isn't there till I completely trust them and know them pretty well. (and thus, I know what would or would not offend them with about 80% accuracy). Maybe that's not you, though?
I know my friends VERY well but no one knows everything about anyone. Not to mention, its very situational what may/may not get on your nerves. Another thing people dont always seem to get is that people change. Old things that may not have bothered you/them before might now and things that did might not anymore.

[Starsailor]

In general, though, I get quiet and withdrawn, and want to be alone. I internalize, and probably more than I should.
I do this and it's a trait I loathe about myself. I know it's really unhealthy, for me and for the relationship with who(m)ever hurt my feelings (assuming that person is someone that matters), but it's like I'm incapable of stopping it. The reaction is triggered and I shut down. People have sometimes thought that I was spitefully trying to give them the silent treatment, but it is never about that. It's like it's not about not wanting to speak to the person but not being able to, if that makes sense. It's as frustrating to me as the other person(s) involved, assuming they're the type to discuss. No matter how hard I try, no matter how often I tell myself I'm going to handle things differently next time, I internalize the anger, sadness, etc, wait for the storm to pass, and then get on with things...until it all happens again with the next upsetting incident.

In situations of less serious offenses, I still usually don't say anything but the reaction isn't quite so dramatic. I just pretend nothing is wrong. When I do "directly" address the issue, it's often in a jokey way to be less confrontational and, honestly, uncomfortable. Not a highly successful approach as you might imagine.

Now, with random people (minor acquaintances to strangers), I am often more outspoken in these kind of situations...sometimes so much so that it would seem I might be using it as an opportunity to get out the internalized frustrations from above situations.

[pisces2473]

Well, if they fail to make changes and continue to hurt you over and over, I don't see much reason in keeping them around. Took me awhile, but I've learned to cut those people off.

Sometimes you gotta handle these things just like if you were in a dating situation. If you were dating someone tht continued to hurt you, you wouldn't keep him around for long, would you? Sometimes we have to do this on a friendship level too.
No kidding. Time to cut the strings, Words.

[pisces2473]

I thought about this while I was getting coffee and..

I also feel like someone telling you "Oh, you're just sensitive" or "Oh, you're too thin-skinned" is being manipulative and playing mind games because the person being accused of being too sensitive is going to start questioning everything they feel and what they should and shouldnt say..etc.
EXACTLY. Some people think I'm too paranoid about things, that I'm too sensitive about comments people make...but that's only because for a long long time, all I heard was (esp. from teachers), "Jen needs to develop a thicker skin." A lot of the crap I got would be labeled as bullying in today's schools. I'm always afraid I'm going to piss people off, make them mad at me, etc.

[pisces2473]

It happens to me, but really only with my parents, becaues they're on the short list (so short they're probably the only ones on it) of people I feel like I can rage at without utterly alienating. Not fair, but I know they'll still love me if I blow my stack at them. And they're the only ones I have that certainty with.
Me too. I totally feel guilty afterwards, but it is a comfort thing.

[chicagogirl]

Funny this thread should be here now as I'm upset at my friend for hurting me. heh

Anyway, I do tend to rumniate about it if someone hurts me (especially if I'm close to them). I'm a lot better now about confronting someone about it, but it is hard for me to do that. I'm defanitely not the type that looks for a fight.