Argh! Family...

[cache]

A little while back I mentioned that I was disappointed that my family has never visited me, despite living in California for going on 3 years now. Anyways, it continues…

My birthday was a few weeks ago, and to this day, I have only received one birthday card from anyone in my family. It’s really depressing. I don’t expect anything for my birthday, heck, even I don’t make waves about it to people who don’t already know. But I guess I thought that a birthday card was kind of a given, at least from family.

Worst of all, I didn’t get a card from my mom. And the one card from my brother that I did get was postmarked several days after my birthday.

I don’t know. Almost makes me not want to go back for Christmas. If I hadn’t already bought a plane ticket, I would seriously consider skipping it this year…

Growing up, I think my family saw ME as the one who approached things very non-traditionally, and as such, they expected that it would be me to “ditch the family.” I understand it now. That traditional approach is not very genuine beyond the surface, and that’s what I dislike, but that’s how my family seems to operate…at least that’s the opinion I’m beginning to form.

Last Christmas, for family, I said I wasn’t going to make a list, and I didn’t want anyone’s list. Anything that I put on a Christmas list, I can buy myself. So I look at gifts as something that should be more “I saw this and thought of you,” rather than “I don’t know what this is or what it does, but since it was on your list, here you go.” The latter is very insincere, I think, but a product of today’s commercial society. Instead of making any difference, this year, they demanded a list from me.

I just wanted to vent about the birthday cards, and ended up on a tangent. But I feel better. Thanks

[mishl982]

(((HUGS))) That sucks.

My roommate is going through something similar. She's always the one who puts together the birthday gifts for people in the family and her brothers and sister just pitch in money. Yet when her birthday roll around, she got 0 birthday cards. Her sister even asked her for her mailing address so she was expecting something fun in the mail. Nope, not even a card. Fortunately she got birthday calls, but it sucks for her because she always puts the extra effort into everyone else's birthdays, but no one else can return the sentiment to her. She also is the one who does all the traveling to see her siblings but they rarely visit her.

Oh yea and when she told her sister that she was disappointed, her sister got all defensive and took offense to it. :googly:

[Winter Storm]

You know what cache, that sucks. I don't know how you could be so composed about it cause I'd be pretty pissed. Have you called your mom and reminded her that your birthday passed several weeks ago? I'd like to hear the explanation for her forgetting a day she gave birth.

[weary]

sorry you're going through this cache...i know it SUCKS. there are some branches of my family tree like that and it seriously pisses me off. they do lists and all that crap to. i don't ask for or provide them either. not even for my kid...although they ask him directly now.

unfortunately, some of it you'll just have to accept and let go of. but some may change or be receptive to doing things differently, and that might help. i suggested doing secret santa w/ the family this year at thanksgiving when people started leaving and the ones who are so good about doing shopping early were passing out christmas gifts to folks who live far away so they don't have to spend on shipping. (we all go to one place for turkey day, but lots of separate places for christmas.) they seemed open to it, so i'm going to organize it for next year so we don't have all the lists and crap going around and so we don't have such lopsided giving/receiving.

as for the visits, i know that's hard b/c i've moved to a few diff states and only the same few family members visit. maybe you could try to invite them more or make a fun "meet in the middle" trip? good excuse to go to chicago or colorado or...

hope things get better. {{{hugs}}}

[weary]

oh, and happy belated birthday! :)

[cache]

Thanks for the comments and birthday wishes. My birthday was the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so when I called on Thanksgiving(everyone was over my mom's), they all gave their birthday wishes then...after my mom mentioned it. So my mom didn't completely forget.

I don't know how you could be so composed about it cause I'd be pretty pissed.

You know, I am getting more pissed as I think about it, but (this comes a non-religious person): Judge not lest ye be judged. I can not say that I have not remembered a birthday late. And who knows, mail does get lost sometimes. I am not making excuses for anyone, but I have definitely learned patience - answers come in time. Looking for them instantly by accusing people of doing things I am not even sure they did only causes trouble and solves nothing. So I remain patient, hoping that the answer is not what mounting evidence suggests it might be...

[cache]

as for the visits, i know that's hard b/c i've moved to a few diff states and only the same few family members visit. maybe you could try to invite them more or make a fun "meet in the middle" trip? good excuse to go to chicago or colorado or...

Oh, and about the trip. My brother mentioned a trip to Vegas last year I think, and when I said maybe we could hook up, he was not into the idea, almost like I would be cutting into his vacation.

And I mention it to my mom every so often, and she promises she will stop out, but every time I mention it, it is the "oh, yeah, I know, I want to...maybe in (insert next season here)"

[weary]

Oh, and about the trip. My brother mentioned a trip to Vegas last year I think, and when I said maybe we could hook up, he was not into the idea, almost like I would be cutting into his vacation.

And I mention it to my mom every so often, and she promises she will stop out, but every time I mention it, it is the "oh, yeah, I know, I want to...maybe in (insert next season here)"
oh, i'm sorry cache. that is really hurtful, i know.

i think i remember you posting about your friends not being so great about visiting either...or was that someone else? have you made many new friends since you moved there? i know that can be hard too. i really hope this gets better for you soon.

[cache]

i think i remember you posting about your friends not being so great about visiting either...or was that someone else? have you made many new friends since you moved there? i know that can be hard too. i really hope this gets better for you soon.

Oh, no, I have great friends here and from my past. Over T-Day weekend, I was taken out to eat 5 times for my birthday with different friends.

Plus, I live in an amazing place. I tell people I am kind of upset that this is the first place I moved, because despite my interest in travelling and living in different parts of the world, I am going to have a hard time leaving here. The weather, the social, cultural, and community activities are great. Nice demographics(lots of young people),...the list goes on...that keeps me sane...OK, well....sane enough to function in society:p

[Winter Storm]

Plus, I live in an amazing place. I tell people I am kind of upset that this is the first place I moved, because despite my interest in travelling and living in different parts of the world, I am going to have a hard time leaving here. The weather, the social, cultural, and community activities are great. Nice demographics(lots of young people),...the list goes on...that keeps me sane...OK, well....sane enough to function in society:p

And what do you call this magical, enchanting city???

[weary]

Oh, no, I have great friends here and from my past. Over T-Day weekend, I was taken out to eat 5 times for my birthday with different friends.

Plus, I live in an amazing place. I tell people I am kind of upset that this is the first place I moved, because despite my interest in travelling and living in different parts of the world, I am going to have a hard time leaving here. The weather, the social, cultural, and community activities are great. Nice demographics(lots of young people),...the list goes on...that keeps me sane...OK, well....sane enough to function in society:p

oh good! that's wonderful! i'm glad that your friends are doing their part. :) and i know exactly what you mean b/c i grew up in cali. are you in no-, so- or central-cal?

[wordsmith]

Ugh. I hate family hurts.

I don't have them often, or never have in the past, at least, because my family's very closely bonded. But each of my brothers (twins, two years younger than I) have gotten married in the past year or so, and they're the first ones married, so the way we all relate is changing...not that it HAS to when siblings get married, but in our case it does, because you obviously are gonna prioritize the family unit you have with your spouse over the one you have with the family you grew up in...so they don't do so much "whole family" stuff anymore, and it does hurt at times, like they've just kinda checked out. I know it's normal, though, and it would feel less noticeable if we weren't a family that had been so close.

What hurts the most, though, is that they've each started doing a New Year's Eve gettogether in the past couple of years, where they'll go out to dinner and to a concert or something in the city together, with their then-girlfriends, now-wives, and I'm never invited, because it's a couple thing and I'm single. That sucks.

[pisces2473]

Ugh. I hate family hurts.

I don't have them often, or never have in the past, at least, because my family's very closely bonded. But each of my brothers (twins, two years younger than I) have gotten married in the past year or so, and they're the first ones married, so the way we all relate is changing...not that it HAS to when siblings get married, but in our case it does, because you obviously are gonna prioritize the family unit you have with your spouse over the one you have with the family you grew up in...so they don't do so much "whole family" stuff anymore, and it does hurt at times, like they've just kinda checked out. I know it's normal, though, and it would feel less noticeable if we weren't a family that had been so close.

What hurts the most, though, is that they've each started doing a New Year's Eve gettogether in the past couple of years, where they'll go out to dinner and to a concert or something in the city together, with their then-girlfriends, now-wives, and I'm never invited, because it's a couple thing and I'm single. That sucks.
It probably wouldn't have been so noticeable if they hadn't both gotten marry so close together. If it had been years between L and N getting married, it would have been a lot more gradual. It IS hard making time for everyone's families, I still hate leaving my parents' house on holidays to see C's family. So I know how you feel.

Do you think they didn't invite you because they didn't want you to feel bad?

[CTGirl]

Wow, that blows cache, I know which family members remember birthdays (my mother and my sister) and which ones don't (father and brother) so I'd be pretty down if I didn't get a call on my birthday from my mother and sister. As for the other 2, I know its not that they dont care, it's just not how they operate, and so I'm cool with that. They all know I'm not really into cards, so I dont generally expect those, it's the call that matters to me.

At least your friends are still there for you!

[wordsmith]

No, they just didn't think to (both of my brothers kind of are graduates of the My Dad School of Being Oblivious and Insensitive when it comes to some things, I'm sure they didn't even really think, "Hey, why don't we invite Jess?" It just wouldn't have occurred.

L's wife wouldn't necessarily think to, either, because we don't really hang out, she and I, and have never lived close enough to, anyway. N's wife and I are tighter, and she's very much the type who WOULD say, "Hey, what about your sisters? Why don't we all meet up?" Now that she's in the fam. We'll see.

[wordsmith]

I should note that my sibs are really good about birthdays, though. Some QLCers will remember from the Austin meet that when I was in the chair getting tattooed, I was calling my brothers to wish them happy birthday!

[spiritedaway]

You know, I know just exactly what you are talking about/feel. I am going through some variation of it with a sibling whom I am very close with, and it's almost like I am going to lose a best friend because we get along so well and grew up together and hung out (do sports, videogames, whatever).

We lived on the East Coast, but one of my siblings going to be moving off to the West Coast. I don't know much about the West Coast except when I was there for changeover flight in San Fransciso at least a decade ago and when I visited Vegas a few years back.

Strange, I know quite a few people who moved here from the West Coast, and only know of one person who moved to CA from here. I wonder if the West Coast is that much different from over here (obviously weather is probably better), but I plan to check it out. Maybe if I'm not tied up (and I am not at this point in my life), moving to a different state may be a cool thing to try.



I don't have them often, or never have in the past, at least, because my family's very closely bonded. But each of my brothers (twins, two years younger than I) have gotten married in the past year or so, and they're the first ones married, so the way we all relate is changing...not that it HAS to when siblings get married, but in our case it does, because you obviously are gonna prioritize the family unit you have with your spouse over the one you have with the family you grew up in...so they don't do so much "whole family" stuff anymore, and it does hurt at times, like they've just kinda checked out. I know it's normal, though, and it would feel less noticeable if we weren't a family that had been so close.