Am I nuts??

[Ciderhillnh]

Im looking for opinions on how you would have felt in this situation and maybe how to react to it.

My friend R, had a Bday party planned for her by her friends for this past Friday night. It was to start with dinner in Boston, then go to a bar after.

When I originally got the Evite, I had the money to go out. So I responded that I would attend.

As Friday approached and I looked at finances and what was going to be expected (pay for parking $10 or more, $15 for dinner---my food, plus tip and pitch in for her dinner, then $10 cover and drinks at the bar)
There was NO WAY I could swing it.

I emailed R, and told her about the money situation and she said that she understood and we could go out some other time and celebrate. I agreed and said Id love to save up and take her out for a few drinks one night.

On the Evite were some of my friends that R has started to speak with; J, B and P. She has spent more time with J and B. P is more of a when he comes out with me, she talks to him.

P asks how Im getting to R's bday celebration. I tell him that Im not going due to funds. He tells me that he probably wont go either since he pretty much only knows me out of the entire group of 20 attending.

I was aware that my favorite cover band was going to be in town playing about 10 minutes from me for a $5 cover.
I decided that I would go to that since sadly I couldn’t go to Rs party, but I also wasn’t just going to sit at home on a Friday night.

So P decides he wants to go with. My friends C (who drove up an hour since she loves this cover band), my other friend C and her friend K all want to go. My BF ends up calling me around 7 to ask what Im up to and is going to leave work to join us.
J (who was going to R's party) also wanted to meet up and see the cover band. He told R from the GET GO that he was going out JUST for dinner.

So R has her party with close to 20 people there, and I head out to see the cover band.

I get a NASTY Email on Saturday night:
"I understood when you said you had no money and couldn't go to dinner. I thought I was appreciating your honesty.

I don't understand why you ditched my party, and even worse got people to do the same and TRIED to get more to do it as well... It was my Birthday Party, not just some night out with friends, it really confused and upset me that you would do something like that...

My friends as well as myself are offended and embaressed and I think it would be best if you found another function to attend this Friday night as well. "

I wrote back and explained that I didn’t have money for parking, dinner, cover charge and drinks, but I did have $5 to go out.
I also then explained that I never asked my friends to come out, just told them what I was doing on Friday night since I didn’t have they money to go to Rs party-----what they decided and did from there was their choice.
So R is having a holiday party this Friday (with mostly my friends attending) and now she tells me not to come. Im curious what she is going to tell them when they ask where I am.
So----insight, thoughts, opinions, what can be done in this situation?

[CTGirl]

How old is your friend? This sounds a lot like the kind of thing that girls did back in hs.

I think you handled youself quite well, and while I can understand that what you did could seem a bit fishy, she really should have let it go after you explained it all to her.

[Winter Storm]

I'd call her on the phone to better explain what happened and tell her again, it wasn't your intention. If that doesn't work, then maybe you two just need time for this to blow over.

[Ciderhillnh]

She just turned 25. I agree its high-school-ish.

I can see how it might seem to her as well, and thats why I responded to explain it. It seems really silly to then say well dont come to my party! in a pouty, huffy manner.

From my friends that did go, I guess her friends are really cliquey and they probably egged her on to make her more upset and then because of this their ideas swimming in her head then compelled her to write the EMail. She can be VERY independent, but when it comes to matters like this she is easily influenced.

I tried calling, she wont pick up or return my calls.

Last time we got into anything like this, it took almost a year for her to speak to me again.

[Chameleon]

She sounds like a real charmer, I didn't know everyone had to surrender their free will and fiscal responsibility on a friend's birthday. I'd read the friendship contract more carefully next time :) You've done all you can and shouldn't spend any more time thinking about it. Sounds like you just earned yourself one year free of her drama. Enjoy!

[winneythepooh7]

She's a selfish bitch. You don't need her.

[pisces2473]

She's nuts, not you. I mean, sheesh, was your friend P supposed to go to a party where he knew no one? riiiight

[CTGirl]

She sounds like a real charmer, I didn't know everyone had to surrender their free will and fiscal responsibility on a friend's birthday. I'd read the friendship contract more carefully next time :) You've done all you can and shouldn't spend any more time thinking about it. Sounds like you just earned yourself one year free of her drama. Enjoy!

LOL, exactly. We used to go out for everyone's birthdays in grad school, and since we were all poor and busy, sometimes people didnt go, but we generally didnt take that as a personal insult.

I am a very anti-drama person, so there is no way I'd be friends with anyone who gave me this sort of nonsense, but you obviously have to make that judgement call on your own.

[WorkInProgress]

You've done all you can and shouldn't spend any more time thinking about it. Sounds like you just earned yourself one year free of her drama. Enjoy!

Agreed. If you've called to explain it and she's not calling you back, there's not really all that much more you can do.

[weary]

Last time we got into anything like this, it took almost a year for her to speak to me again.

this time, give her a lifetime.

as in...drop her.

[MetFanL]

Didn't something similar happen to you before??? Like with a limo involved or something? I would remember how you felt then and realize that maybe she's just hurt that all of this went down and she's taking it out on you b/c to an extent, well-intentioned or not, it does look a little shady. Yeah, she's acting like a child, but everyone is a allowed a little childish behavior on their birthday.

Explain what happened again once she's calmed down a little and go from there...

[Ciderhillnh]

Thank you for the replies, its nice to know Im not the one who is crazy here.

Not similar no......I had wanted to get a limo/party bus thing for my Bday but people didnt have the money, so I changed the idea so it was something everyone could afford and attend if they desired. If they couldnt make it or plans changed, we just opted to go out at some other time.

Whats funny is the evite even said 'leave the drama at home'.....uh funny seems that she created her own.

Thing is the party wasnt ON her birthday, and on her B-day I even Emailed and said once she was done with dinner with her family, that I could meet up with her and get her a Bday drink.....she ended up not feeling well and passing up on the offer. Which was fine.

Also interesting, that she always passes up invites due to money or last minute just not wanting to go...and I never give her any grief.

[Chameleon]

Also interesting, that she always passes up invites due to money or last minute just not wanting to go...and I never give her any grief.
Most folks don't have the self-awareness to see themselves in the things that annoy them the most. When two-faced stuff like this happens, you have to realize it's really not about you.

[WorkInProgress]

Most folks don't have the self-awareness to see themselves in the things that annoy them the most. When two-faced stuff like this happens, you have to realize it's really not about you.

Pretty much.

[coll214]

I do believe the saying "it's my b'day and i'll cry if i want to..."

You explained the situation, so i'd just let it go. But i know i'd be annoyed if i found out someone didn't go to my party, but went out anyways.

[Ciderhillnh]

so if someone couldnt afford to do the activity you had planned, you'd expect them to sit home and do nothing even if there was another event that they could afford and would want to attend?

[WorkInProgress]

so if someone couldnt afford to do the activity you had planned, you'd expect them to sit home and do nothing even if there was another event that they could afford and would want to attend?

We all understand the specifics, as you've explained them. However, it *does* come off a little strangely when the reason for begging off of the original plan is due to finance issues, and then you're off doing something else that costs money (even if it is less). It is very easy to read that as "well, she just wanted to go to that other thing instead." Plus, somehow (?) it got back to her (how is that, btw?). Personally, I'd be miffed (but I certainly wouldn't behave as she has done).

[Ciderhillnh]

P (who had said on the evite he would go to the dinner) texted her and said he promised me he would come see the band.
His ACTUAL reason for not going was because he would have only really known me at the dinner, and since I wasnt going, there really wasnt any point in his going anymore (had he texted her this Im pretty sure the drama wouldnt have even happened)

I guess I look at it differently.....if Im asking someone to spend at LEAST $40 and they tell me they cant afford it, and I find out that they went out to see some band for $5, I wouldnt be pissed. I certainly wouldnt expect my friend to sit at home, and I also wouldnt expect them to come out and spend $40 they didnt have.

I even told her Id take her out in a few weeks when I had some money saved so that I could pay for her drinks (so she gets ANOTHER Bday....she can invite all her friends out AGAIN, it doesnt just have to be me and her)

So not only was it money, but Ive already committed to going out at some other point to make up for the fact that I couldnt afford her Bday party and its involved activities.

[weary]

so if someone couldnt afford to do the activity you had planned, you'd expect them to sit home and do nothing even if there was another event that they could afford and would want to attend?

no, but how would i know this? i think that's what she was saying.

that's probably the [logical] reasoning behind the initial email you got. you've explained what really went down and the $ issue since....now it's up to the chick to get over it or not. let her be. she seem pretty childish and a lot of work as a friend. "leave the drama" ;)

[Ciderhillnh]

I actually told her directly that I couldnt afford to park, pay for dinner, handle a cover and drinks......I said if I were to go Id need someone to drive me not expect me to help with parking, and I could maybe get a soda and not be able to pitch in for anything else.....

She was well aware of WHY I wasnt going. I told her I had a budget of $5 or $10 to go out for the entire weekend (which is exactly what I spent since I also gave up going out on Saturday night to see an out of town friend specifically because I couldnt afford the $10 cover)

[weary]

i know. what i'm saying is that she didn't know that what you DID wind up doing only cost $5 until after she sent the initial email, to which you replied with the explanation.

[Ciderhillnh]

gotcha!!

[shimma]

Yeah, what everybody else said. I hope you're not feeling bad or anything Cider. Your friend is just being unreasonable.

[Ciderhillnh]

Im mostly feeling pissed that all this drama has been spinning around for no reason, and Im being made to look like the bad guy.

J who went to the dinner, has been talking to R.....and I guess the reason R doesnt want me at her holiday party on Friday is because her friends now have a bad impression of me and she doesnt want that feeling in the air.

Whats interesting about this, is this is NOT her friends first impression of me.....Im pretty sure she has talked about me to them before------AND when she moved 2 months ago, none of them would really help her....so I went and helped lift heavy boxes and helped her organize, and then brought stuff up into her room.
I would have helped her with her ACTUAL move, but I was going away that weekend, so I offered up any weeknight she wanted......she happened to ask when I had a day off, and I said what time do you want me there....she said 4......and we did moving stuff till almost 11.
These same 'friends' wouldnt help on the day of her move! Said they would be there, then bailed.

THEN----recently she needed to move some heavy stuff into storage at her apartment complex, I volunteered...and went over and did similar again.

Yet, their first impression is from this party....um okay.

[shimma]

Something else is going on here. And you need to show this friend the door either way.

[Ciderhillnh]

I dont know that something else is going on......

I just think that she is part of a very 'excluding' clique of girls, and she is easily influenced by them (or maybe they are threatened by me even though they dont know me?) and she goes along with what they tell her they think.

I have a hard time with that simply because I never did the clique thing (yes including middle school and high school) and when I have been part of a group, I was able to think things through on my own and even if they all said one thing and I thought another, Id stick to my guns......Im not influenced by groups like that.

Its fine if she is, and I can recognize it, but this is just totally insane.

[Ciderhillnh]

Just got an Email response.

A reminder went out via Evite about her party. I changed my response from attending to maybe and put "I guess Ill find out later this week"

Then I get this:

Hey,

I don't know what you are doing over there with the evite, but I asked you Saturday very politely to gracefuly decline the invitation after what happend last week. I thought I had made myself clear when I explained that my friends were offended and my loyalty lies with them over you in this matter of course, therefore; I will say once more, out of respect for my friends that planned the party on Friday, I believe it is best that you make other arrangements for that evening.

Seriously, it's not a something to be made such a drama... You did something shady, it was very obvious as I believe you intended with or without even knowing it and in the end didn't go over well for either of us. I would like to move on from here and wash it out without a continued attitude where as this is not my wrong doing.

So this is what I responded:

Im sorry to hear that your friends were offfended that I couldn’t afford to go out in Boston for something that they planned. How can they be offended since I don’t know them? My concern is whether or not YOU'RE offended.

Ive told you the situation and you continue to believe and think the worst of me. That I would seek out to hurt you, and ruin your night. If you recall the Emails that went back and forth between us on Friday I was really upset that I couldn’t get the logistics to work. I even talked to B that afternoon and told her how sad I was that it wasn’t going to work out and how I felt terrible that I said Id be there, and then had to opt out of the plans. Ask her.

Im honestly sad that these people that havent even met me, that I havent even met, are putting labels on my behavior as shady. You know me, and should know better about how I approach and act in situations. I can see where they are coming from, but I also think you know me well enough.

I can see how P's text can come across as shady, but I don’t think not being able to afford your Friday night plans and opting to do something affordable with people you don’t even know should be this much of an issue.
As far as I know as well you had a great turn out for your party, my absence didn’t mean that you didn’t go out or that there were only a few of you.

If you would like I can send you the string of Emails that went back and forth between P and myself and how the reason he decided not to attend your party was because I was really the only person he would have known there anyway. I also understand this isnt what he texted. But maybe you should talk to him about this rather than making me the catalyst, so you can get the full story on why he didn’t attend, since you seem to be assuming that I told him to come out with me instead of going to your party.

Im also sorry that from one incident it seems you have now swept under the carpet all the help that I volunteered over the past few months from helping you move, to putting stuff in your storage unit (when others had said they would help and either bailed or didn’t follow through with you) and also talking with you about day to day stuff and IMO being a good friend. Doing the things you do when someone needs you.

Im not quite sure what you think might happen at your party, but I had the intentions of going and meeting these girls, and getting to know them since they are close with you. It would have been a good opportunity since I know I could afford to go!


I cant BELIEVE the drama. Now I dont know if I should be pissed if my friends still go to her party. Of course I wont raise issue like this, they can do as they please.....but I might be a bit irked and keep it to myself....and well um maybe post it on the boards.

[pisces2473]

Who is this chick? Freaking Miss Manners!?

Ugh, I hate drama.

[WorkInProgress]

Who is this chick? Freaking Miss Manners!?

Nope, Miss Manners would not have uninvited someone to something planned by other people.

[Ciderhillnh]

And she says Im causing the drama. I think its clearly explained what happened here.

I kinda want to change my response to her Evite to:
Will not be attending and for my little area where I can write stuff I want to post because Ididnt have money to go out last Friday and I was uninvited.

[winneythepooh7]

Cider, you are a grown woman. Stop feeding into her. Seriously. This is so highschool. Her email lost me after like the second sentence.

[mishl982]

Wow she is psycho. Is she being as dramatic with P as well?

[Ciderhillnh]

Nope, the only person she is angry with is me because she thinks I got people to leave her party.

[Winter Storm]

I'm glad you responded. Don't let her shit all over you when she has her facts wrong. Give that bitch what for!

Ha ha ha! :) :heehee:

[winneythepooh7]

Nope, the only person she is angry with is me because she thinks I got people to leave her party.

They probably left her party because she's a C-word.

[Chameleon]

I wonder if she knows as a host of the evite, she can change the responses of any of her guests...

Cinder, why are you prolonging this drama, really? Just decline and be done with her and this issue. If her friends are such drama queens why are you still in a hurry to meet them?

[Ciderhillnh]

Winter, thats EXACTLY why I responded to her Email. She has it all twisted and Im not just going to sit there and let her think whatever and make her think Im in the corner with my tail between my legs.

Im not prolonging it, hell my first response was to quell all this crap.....with this response, again I wasnt about to take it lying down. Took me nearly 30 minutes to type, revise, type revise.....before I wound up with the response she got.

I want to konw if these friends are so great and her loyalties lie with them, where were they when they said they would help her move? Where were they when they said they would be there if she needed time or help from them with her storage stuff?
Seems they are there when its in their own best interest, but not when she needs them.
I WAS THERE....and part of what I revised...I had written 'the next time you need someone to help you move, or a shoulder to cry on at 2am, call them'
But I opted to not post that and put her on the defensive.

Im not in a hurry to meet them anymore. I hate cliques, and I hate drama behavior like this, that gets snowballed out of contect and proportion. Im even more irritated that the finger is being pointed at me rather than maybe exploring more by asking P what his story was etc.

That was my last response to this insanity.

Whats funny is my BF is still on the invite, and part of me wants to have him go without me to really raise some questions.

[Ciderhillnh]

UPDATE:

So she told me to decline her party.....I did. She told me to make alternate plans for Friday night....so I did.

I posted a bulletin (something I do regularly about weekend plans since its easier than sending out individual Emails) on myspace (yes she is my friend on there)
I just posted I would be doing a pub crawl and whoever was interested to contact me.

I already know that some of my friends on there will be going to her party, I have already told them to keep their plans Ill do something else.

So she FREAKS out and tells me to go to hell and that we are no longer friends because I posted this bulletin.

Um I didnt know that I needed your PERMISSION to make other plans. I didnt know I needed your PERMISSION to post a bulletin to the MANY OTHER FRIENDS YOU DONT KNOW that Im friends with on here
I also didnt know that I needed your blessing to go out on Friday night.

This girl is a whirrling PSYCHO, Im glad to be rid of her!!!!

[beeblebrox]

I read the drama all day yesterday and have to say that the chick is nuts. She seems to think that the world revolves around her and she probably doesn't compromise much either. She deserves a lump of coal for Christmas. I have never had someone order me to make plans otherwise.

I will say one thing though in regards to the myspace bulletin. It probably wasn't the smartest thing to do especially since she checks it. l would have written an email and blind copied everyone on the list. In that instance, you left yourself open for more abuse from her. You only added more fuel to the fire. When taking the high road, it's best that she doesn't see your activities and such. Thus make it impossible for her to know your activities so she can't blame you for more.

I've known girls like this who come in more sneaky packages by being nice. She sounds like an attention seeker and has superficial friendships with people. I bet she has a lot of friends but they only know her on the surface level where she can hide her insecurities.

[SunDevil]

I don't think you are totally blame free though. There was a lot of drama that isn't really necessary from both of you.

Real friends wouldn't hold a grudge for very long, but you did basically stand her up on her birthday. I wouldn't be too happy with my friends if they did that to me. I would take her side on the first party. I've never done a pub crawl, but I'm assuming that it costs a little bit of money, something you didn't have a week ago.

You should have gone at least for a little while, and figure out a way to do it within your budget. When I was poor, there were a few times my friends knew a bouncer or snuck me in through a back door. Most of the times we went out to eat, I had a water and a cheap side dish or salad, it was always under $5 (it wasn't a fancy restaurant in Boston though). I always got rides from my friends, and parking wasn't an issue in that city.

[Ciderhillnh]

thats the issue, I knew that in going that I would order a soda, and have to pay probably close to $20. My friends who did go and were on a budget ended up spending $10 - $15 MORE than they ordered in food because her friends decided to make everyone split the bill evenly.
They also didnt go anywhere fancy...just Beerworks.

I also would have had to drive myself in, parking in that area is $10 - $25. I didnt have the money for that either.

As far as the pub crawl.....I live up the street and none of these bars have covers. My plan is to drink at my house = $0 spent and go out with my friends while they get drinks and hop from bar to bar to keep the night interesting.

I agree Im not blame free, I kept telling her there was a ton of miscommunication going on and Email wasnt helping, talking on the phone or in person would have probably cleared most of it up.

Yeah the bulletin probably wasnt the smartest move, but there are only 2 people that we mutually share as friends that are already GOING to her party. I talk to tons of other people on there and its not uncommon for me to post about plans just so people know whats going on. So its not like her entire guest-list is seeing the bulletin.....Im not friends with them on myspace therefor they cant see bulletins I post.
If she is so secure in the fact that my 2 friends are going to her party, and she told me to make other plans than attending her party, she shouldnt have issue that Im making other plans.

Whats also interesting about this, is she bails ALL the time when she says she is going to come out, or Im relying on her, she will bail LAST MINUTE, and sometimes not even let me know UNTIL the next day. I rarely bail on plans that Ive made....reasons are either A) Im REALLY REALLY sick---even then Ill still sometimes go....kept a dinner party as a go even when I was achy with the flu and B) I have absolutely no money and cant afford the activity....and when I bail for this reason I always set up a make up date so I can save and take that person out for a round or two of drinks and an activity.

Its also just interesting because these are the closest friends to her, but when she is in need they are nowhere to be found. I do believe she just has surface friendships.
She has shared with me how she didnt have friends growing up, and she was teased and how crappy and sucky that was for her and how insecure it made her.
I went through similar growing up, and because of it I never exclude people from activities (unless it involves tickets and they arent on sale anymore)----but thats me, I dont expect people to operate how I do, but when someone says that they do, and they dont exclude, then they do EXACTLY that.....I have a tough time with it.

[CityGal]

Wow! Major drama, Cider. It seems like something out of a soap opera. Honestly, when she sent you that email that stated she respected and valued them over you it would've been a wrap for me there. A friend would never say that even if it was true. She was never your friend to begin with. Your story reminds me of a 'friend' I used to have as well. She got really pissy because I couldn't attend her bday party--I attended all the others but this one she gets mad at me about. I was all set to go but didnt realize that making space for my new roommate who was going to be arriving the morning after the party was going to take forever. For sure I thought it would only take 2 hours tops...it took me up to 1 am to finish. Anyways she got pissy at me and I guess didn't believe my reason for not showing up. Things between us were rocky to begin with and this added to her lists of things she doesn't appreciate about me. The little things your former friend mentions are they kinds of things she would say she didn't like about me. Don't sweat it. She wasn't a real friend to begin with.

[Chameleon]

Reminds me of my succubus ex-friend who wouldn't let me forget that I didn't help her move for the third time in 3 years. Movers cost $200 here and she wasn't broke by any means. She also would bug me to do things with her, would blame me if those plans weren't exactly perfect and would also exclude me from things with mutual friends.

I'm soooo glad she's out of my life now, though for some random reason she's been coming up a lot in conversation over the last few months. Most people I know can't stand her with the exception of her on-and-off-again boyfriend who's a glutton for punishment. She'll leave him once she finds someone rich enough to provide her the lifestyle she wants, until then, she's using him as filler.

True friends (actually mature, rational individuals, period) can take "No" for an answer without pitching a fit or giving guilt-trips. Yes, hearing "No" can hurt, but geez, is it worth starting WWIII over? It does take two to tango though. If you take yourself out of the situation, it becomes an emotional toddler throwing a tantrum instead of two drama queens throwing down.

[Ciderhillnh]

City….thanks for your post. Its helpful to know that others have been through similar and how they handled the situation.

Sadly as much as Im irritated and know that I didn’t do friendship ending activities, when she tells me Im insecure, or that Im not a good friend, or that I pushed her away in this circumstance….I want to put it ouf of my head, but it does resonate.

The girl isnt stable by any means, she has a tendancy to freak over stuff like this, or over worry, or get really angry over small instances.

She also just got back into a rocky relationship…cliff notes…she was dating a guy, she met him just before his Bday, he SAID he was turning 20 (this becomes important in a minute)
They dated, she was smitten bla bla bla.
Well then he stops returning calls, then he calls and says he is going to kill himself, then he says he cant talk to her, then he calls her obsessively.
She finds out he was cheating, and is going to have a baby with another girl.
She writes him out of her life, and because she is freaked by him, changes her phone number, Email, MOVES, etc.
She starts to slowly date again, wants to date a man, a guy who will take her out on dates and not just want to sit at home and hang out, someone with a career etc.

So then the guy who cheated on her etc, calls her and says he is having heart surgery and he wants to come clean about everything.

Turns out he didn’t turn 20 on his Bday, he turned 19!!!!
His ex GF lost the baby due to drinking, drugs and his beating her up.

So what does she do? TAKES HIM BACK!!!! Calls me says she is in Love (and Ill support my friends in whatever they do but I did tell her the issues I was having but she needed to do whatever made her happy)

So then he calls her when he supposedly wakes up from sugery…..uhm first he just had OPEN HEART surgery….you cant use cell phones in the cardiac wing anyway can you??
And how is he calling her right when he wakes up?

So somehow he says he is going back to London but if she says the word he will come to Boston to be with her. She says for him to come here.

I have no idea if they have talked since, but this is the type of girl I was dealing with. Anyone else think that’s nuts?

[cache]

Anyone else think that’s nuts?

Wow. That's a two day episode of Montel right there...

[CTGirl]

Wow. That's a two day episode of Montel right there...

No way, Montel wouldnt stoop to do material like this anymore (no offense Cider, I'm referring to your friend), try Maury :p

[Ciderhillnh]

CT none taken! I just cant believe that she knows all about his shady past, his lies to her, the fact that he is 19.........and she goes back to him because she is 'in love' and is all over it like a new suit.

Ill support my friends even when they do something that I shake my head at, because well Im a good friend, but I did express my concern.

And yet she says I cause the drama....as far as I can tell she causes her own....and dives back in when it comes knocking back at her door.

And its not like I can even justify it by saying oh well its fantastic sex.....they dont even sleep together. She hates sex.

[SunDevil]

She sounds pretty crazy.