Supporting Siblings?

[AshleyJordan]

I'd love to hear other posters' thoughts on this:

My younger sister has had a very rocky time w/ our parents lately, and moved out of the house. She's 21, has a history of drug use and mental illness, and is a full-time student and working part-time in retail. Currently, her rent is about 60% of her income, she's not looking very hard for a roommate, and is spending a fair amount of money on "frills" like Starbucks, weekly manicures, dinner our, etc. (things that I feel fairly guilty about splurging on, and I'm more comfortable than she is!) My parents have plenty of money, but aren't being very generous with her. I'm trying to get them to do more because I think it's essential that she stay out of this toxic home environment.

I'm worried about her financial security, and want her to be able to stay on her own . . . she hasn't asked yet, but I feel I should start helping her out (maybe contribute to rent or other expenses). No way she's getting cash or personal checks made out in her name, I don't want the money going up her nose or to these "extras" I outlined above that I rarely even afford myself!


Of course, I'm on a pretty limited income, have my own debts to pay off, and am saving for a condo in a year or so. Should I just focus on myself? Any advice greatly appreciated!

[WorkInProgress]

Supporting (financially?) siblings in general? I think it all depends, and conclusions should be drawn on a case by case basis.

[wordsmith]

Yeah, what do we mean by supporting?

I've considered offering to have my younger sister move in with me, because I think it would be better for her than living at the 'rents, which is what she's doing now as she breaks into the professional world post-college. Also because I have a spare bedroom and could use a hand on some cost-splitting, and would rather have a sibling roommate than a random roommate.

She's in her first job since her graduation this past spring, and isn't making much, so I would expect a contribution toward rent and utlities, but not an even split, she can't afford that.

So in that case, I'd consider that more "being supportive of," and not "supportING."

[AshleyJordan]

Sorry-- I think you guys replied before my edits took, which I think provide the context you needed!

[WorkInProgress]

Given the situation as you've outlined it, nope. Not a fan. I might spring for something every now and again, as I feel like it, but no way would I get involved in regularly spending money that will support a sibling's poor behavior and bad (illegal) habits.

[pisces2473]

Sounds like the only way you'll truly be able to help her is by getting her some professional help. Don't be an enabler. Perhaps when she gets evicted or fired, she'll clean up her act.

[wordsmith]

Yeah, I couldn't feel good about financially supporting somebody who's not clean or is a major risk for not being clean. Emotionally support, sure.

[AshleyJordan]

Sounds like the only way you'll truly be able to help her is by getting her some professional help. Don't be an enabler. Perhaps when she gets evicted or fired, she'll clean up her act.

Yeah, I've tried everything to get her professional help-- calling every social worker and crisis counselor in town. It's a non-starter. It's also caused serious family strife, just discussing it.

I've also had many conversations with a life-long family friend who has also been a practicing social worker for 30+ years, who fears that it may be as you said-- that she'll have to hit rock bottem. I guess I just don't want to see her back with my crazy family. . . but I really can't afford to be helping her out too much, if at all!

[shimma]

Well, I agree 100% with Pisces, but my concern is that rock bottom in this day and age is that rock bottom is pretty damn hard to climb out of.

She could have a criminal record and AIDS by the time she hits rock bottom.

Why does it cause family strife when you try to get her help? Can you enlist her friends (non drug users of course) to help her?

[WorkInProgress]

Yeah, I've tried everything to get her professional help-- calling every social worker and crisis counselor in town. It's a non-starter. It's also caused serious family strife, just discussing it.

I've also had many conversations with a life-long family friend who has also been a practicing social worker for 30+ years, who fears that it may be as you said-- that she'll have to hit rock bottem. I guess I just don't want to see her back with my crazy family. . . but I really can't afford to be helping her out too much, if at all!

It sucks to have a family member in this kind of situation. I am fortunate that mine is not my sibling, but it still causes family issues that reverberate through my immediate family and profoundly hurts those more closely related. I wish you and yours all the best in dealing with this situation.

[Chameleon]

Short of taking control of her finances (which you can't do), there's nothing you can do that wouldn't be enabling her bad habits, other than be emotionally there for her. She has to learn responsibility and giving her money when she's not making an sacrifices herself isn't going to help her. Won't you end up being resentful if the money you sent her ended up being used to get even more things that you can't get for yourself?

[AshleyJordan]

Well, I agree 100% with Pisces, but my concern is that rock bottom in this day and age is that rock bottom is pretty damn hard to climb out of.

She could have a criminal record and AIDS by the time she hits rock bottom.

Why does it cause family strife when you try to get her help? Can you enlist her friends (non drug users of course) to help her?


Thank you. I agree re. "rock bottom," that although it may take getting to that low, low point to climb out, why wait until you've reached that point?

Causes strife because:
1) my parents don't want to spend the $ on rehab-- even though they have it. They've actually gone out and said as much, which boggles my mind. I don't think she'd go, in any event.

2) Openly discussing these issues touches a lot of nerves and my family is the type to gloss over unpleasant subjects.

[SmilesSoSweet]

Yeah, I couldn't feel good about financially supporting somebody who's not clean or is a major risk for not being clean. Emotionally support, sure.

Same here. My dad and a few of his other brothers all attempted to help out their 46 year old (now 49) brother get out of trouble. EVERYONE tried their best but really it was all on my uncle.

My uncle was doing really well when he first moved to the states back in the late 80s. He had a good job, rented a place with another brother and my grandparents. He even had a car and basically paid all his bills.

Then shit hit the fan and he went down hill. So the one brother he lived with kicked him out because he wasn't working and not helping out with rent. Then another brother took him in for a few months. He was doing well, then went down hill once again. So my parents took him in after that. That only lasted about a month or so. I really got PISSED off when my own UNCLE asked to borrow money from ME - his NIECE! And at the time my brother was also living with my parents and it was like my brother was desciplining a kid whenever he'd talked to our 40-something year old uncle!

I think now he lives someone not too far from my parents. He shows up every once in awhile at my parents' house but really EVERYONE has done what they could to help him and his not doing anything to help himself.

So I don't think I could support a sibling like that. Fortunately my brother and sister aren't anything like our uncle. Now if my brother or sister needed to borrow money from me to help with a down payment on a house or car, I may help out knowing that they're responsible people. And of course I'll give my emotional support to them, too.

[WorkInProgress]

Thank you. I agree re. "rock bottom," that although it may take getting to that low, low point to climb out, why wait until you've reached that point?

Because until "rock bottom" (which my family member's been at a few times, it seems) the situation is "managable" and the person in question still has options that don't include change. As far as I can tell.

Why wait? Because the person involved isn't looking at the situation rationally, with a clear head.

[WorkInProgress]

I think now he lives someone not too far from my parents. He shows up every once in awhile at my parents' house but really EVERYONE has done what they could to help him and his not doing anything to help himself.

So I don't think I could support a sibling like that. Fortunately my brother and sister aren't anything like our uncle. Now if my brother or sister needed to borrow money from me to help with a down payment on a house or car, I may help out knowing that they're responsible people. And of course I'll give my emotional support to them, too.

Basically this is how I feel too.

[AshleyJordan]

This is all very good feedback, and considering that I'm still getting established myself (only 24, big student loan payments, still saving for the condo,) this might not make very good sense. Ultimately, it might not be doing much good, either.

[shimma]

Because until "rock bottom" (which my family member's been at a few times, it seems) the situation is "managable" and the person in question still has options that don't include change. As far as I can tell.

Not necessarily. You can hit HIV, prison record, giving birth to a crack baby who you don't know if the father is your pimp your bookie or your dealer, etc - irreversible stuff - on the way down.

[AshleyJordan]

I agree (and that scares me.) I guess my question is what should I do (if anything) to help. She is in school and I think the family should just suck it up and do whatever we can to help her finish her education-- and that this could include paying directly for those expenses (tuition, rent, groceries, etc.,) not just giving her cash.

[wordsmith]

Because until "rock bottom" (which my family member's been at a few times, it seems) the situation is "managable" and the person in question still has options that don't include change. As far as I can tell.

Why wait? Because the person involved isn't looking at the situation rationally, with a clear head.

Yup. People don't change until something happens to them that reinforces that they HAVE TO change, that there is no choice. Another person can't make them realize it, ever.

[wordsmith]

I agree (and that scares me.) I guess my question is what should I do (if anything) to help. She is in school and I think the family should just suck it up and do whatever we can to help her finish her education-- and that this could include paying directly for those expenses (tuition, rent, groceries, etc.,) not just giving her cash.

Honestly, nobody should be giving her cash.

[capella]

I'd love to hear other posters' thoughts on this:

My younger sister has had a very rocky time w/ our parents lately, and moved out of the house. She's 21, has a history of drug use and mental illness, and is a full-time student and working part-time in retail. Currently, her rent is about 60% of her income, she's not looking very hard for a roommate, and is spending a fair amount of money on "frills" like Starbucks, weekly manicures, dinner our, etc. (things that I feel fairly guilty about splurging on, and I'm more comfortable than she is!) My parents have plenty of money, but aren't being very generous with her. I'm trying to get them to do more because I think it's essential that she stay out of this toxic home environment.

I'm worried about her financial security, and want her to be able to stay on her own . . . she hasn't asked yet, but I feel I should start helping her out (maybe contribute to rent or other expenses). No way she's getting cash or personal checks made out in her name, I don't want the money going up her nose or to these "extras" I outlined above that I rarely even afford myself!


Of course, I'm on a pretty limited income, have my own debts to pay off, and am saving for a condo in a year or so. Should I just focus on myself? Any advice greatly appreciated!

As bad as you feel for your sister, throwing money at the problem won't help matters. Why should you (or anyone) help her with her education and living situation when she refuses to make the committment and sacrifices needed? Sorry. I think you can be there for her emotionally, but I would be very stern and matter of fact about things. I would tell it to her straight.

It is definitely enabling to swoop in and save her. Do not buy her things (other than B-day presents or holidays). Do not buy her food. Do not pay her rent. That is ridiculous. She will never learn to stand on her own two feet and take responsibility if she knows she doesn't really have to. I agree with your parents. You can't help those who won't help themselves. Painful to watch? Yes. But you have your life you need to focus on.

I have a slew of fucked up family members (nearly all of them in fact). I love them. But I wouldn't sacrifice my future for them if they were screwing around.