Whipped friends

[Chameleon]

I have a guy friend who got engaged about 3 months ago who I barely hear from anymore. The wedding is in a year and every third weekend is spent travelling to his fiance's home state for wedding planning of some sort. Plans to hang out always come with "invite everyone you know" as if it would be torturous for just the three of us to hang out together and are usually changed at the last minute from something he wants to do to something she'd rather do. Almost every activity is with her friends and I don't think he's had much of a chance to build his own circle of friends since they moved here 6 months ago.

His fiance is gorgeous, charming and very smart so I'm happy that he's met someone that's so awesome but it's really strange to see a guy that is that wrapped around a woman's finger. I find it funny (and sad) that he's looking forward to her being out of town for a few weeks so he can actually do his own thing for a while. He reminds me of the guy on the short-lived sitcom "Happy Hour" who was under the thumb of his girlfriend, except this chick is really sweet on the rare occasion that I get to hang out with them.

Soooo... what is my question? Is this par for the course in serious relationships? Is this why some men are really scared of commitment? How do you go about getting a balance between what you want to do and what your SO wants to do?

[CTGirl]

Ugh, I have a male friend who I used to talk to every day - he was like my therapist, lol. Now that he has a new gf, he's totally forgotten I exist, and so barely speaks to me anymore. When he does, it's only because he needs something from me. Right now, he's home from college on a break, so he actually has time for me, but I find I've lost interest in talking to him.

Some people are just like that in relationships, and there's really nothing you can do about it aside from bringing their attention to it, cuz they may not realize that's what they're doing, and might be able to fix it if they're made aware.

[wordsmith]

Both of my brothers pretty much cater to their wives, but it's by choice.

[old_school_soul]

Pussy whipped men. Ugh. No pussy is good enough to surrender my testicles to my woman. I rarely see a buddy of mine without his woman. In fact, he is never without her unless she is working. It's irritating. I want my friend back. It's great that you have a gf, but for fucks sake, you don't have to spend every available moment with her.

[Krishna]

I have a guy friend who got engaged about 3 months ago who I barely hear from anymore. The wedding is in a year and every third weekend is spent travelling to his fiance's home state for wedding planning of some sort. Plans to hang out always come with "invite everyone you know" as if it would be torturous for just the three of us to hang out together and are usually changed at the last minute from something he wants to do to something she'd rather do. Almost every activity is with her friends and I don't think he's had much of a chance to build his own circle of friends since they moved here 6 months ago.

His fiance is gorgeous, charming and very smart so I'm happy that he's met someone that's so awesome but it's really strange to see a guy that is that wrapped around a woman's finger. I find it funny (and sad) that he's looking forward to her being out of town for a few weeks so he can actually do his own thing for a while. He reminds me of the guy on the short-lived sitcom "Happy Hour" who was under the thumb of his girlfriend, except this chick is really sweet on the rare occasion that I get to hang out with them.

Soooo... what is my question? Is this par for the course in serious relationships? Is this why some men are really scared of commitment? How do you go about getting a balance between what you want to do and what your SO wants to do?

As I have explained numberous times to my SO and one of his friends about a mutual third party:

Everyone has a choice. It is your friend's choice to cater to his SO. It is his choice to seemingly give her all the power in this relationship. Sooner or later, if he is unhappy, he'll make a change in their relationship dynamics. However, until that time, I'd say keep your nose out of it. No matter how tempting it is, don't point out the obvious, or you might alienate your pal. As long as he is happy, I'd try to go with the flow.

[arrow]

Some people just get heavily involved in their relationships. Inevitably you will see less of your friends as they get married, have kids, move away, etc. As long as you still have a close relationship when you do see him, then that's what matters. And it's great he found someone he wants to spend so much time with, and who wants to spend so much time with him. Be glad of that.

[Millenial]

As I have explained numberous times to my SO and one of his friends about a mutual third party:

Everyone has a choice. It is your friend's choice to cater to his SO. It is his choice to seemingly give her all the power in this relationship. Sooner or later, if he is unhappy, he'll make a change in their relationship dynamics. However, until that time, I'd say keep your nose out of it. No matter how tempting it is, don't point out the obvious, or you might alienate your pal. As long as he is happy, I'd try to go with the flow.
bingo.

[Deavan]

Both of my brothers pretty much cater to their wives, but it's by choice.


Yeah my brother caters to his wife too...as annoying as it is I would hope that someday if I get married my husband would cater to me....

[Chameleon]

Yeah my brother caters to his wife too...as annoying as it is I would hope that someday if I get married my husband would cater to me....
I don't think I want that. I would hope there'd be some sort of reciprocity and that we'd both have lives outside of each other. There has to be some middle ground where your wife can be happy and your friends believe you still have your huevos.

[EmberMae]

I'm sorry it bugs the crap out of me that men are considered "whipped" or have "no balls" if they choose their wife/gf over their friends. Maybe it's a crappy choice if they really completely ditch all of their friends, but it's their choice to make. I prefer doing things with my fiance, it doesn't make me whipped or mean he has total control over my life.

[Krishna]

I'm sorry it bugs the crap out of me that men are considered "whipped" or have "no balls" if they choose their wife/gf over their friends. Maybe it's a crappy choice if they really completely ditch all of their friends, but it's their choice to make. I prefer doing things with my fiance, it doesn't make me whipped or mean he has total control over my life.

Thank you.

[Chameleon]

Maybe it's a crappy choice if they really completely ditch all of their friends, but it's their choice to make.
Just because someone's in a relationship doesn't mean that people shouldn't bat an eye when they are ditched. You could give the same "it's their choice to make" reason when someone chooses computer games/sports/work over spending time with their friends/SO.

Are you saying we have no right to be upset or feel abandoned because it's something that involves the SO? It's definitely not something that keeps me awake at night but it still kinda sucks when a friend disappears or become nigh-unrecognizable.

[wordsmith]

I find it personally annoying that one of my former good friends will not do any socializing other than with her boyfriend, myself...but it's TOTALLY HER CHOICE. She's not whipped, nobody's forcing her to focus singlemindedly on her guy and their relationship. I can think she's a dumbass and a bitch for ditching everybody but him, but I don't think it's a matter of being led around by the nose or anything....it was completely HER choice to act that way.

Is it the choice of these "whipped" guys to focus totally on the women in their lives? IF so, hey, you might think it's ignorant, but the sentiment that they were somehow forced into it is probably not that accurate. Nobody can MAKE you dance attendance upon them. If you're doing it, it's because you're choosing to.

[wordsmith]

Just because someone's in a relationship doesn't mean that people shouldn't bat an eye when they are ditched. You could give the same "it's their choice to make" reason when someone chooses computer games/sports/work over spending time with their friends/SO.

Are you saying we have no right to be upset or feel abandoned because it's something that involves the SO? It's definitely not something that keeps me awake at night but it still kinda sucks when a friend disappears or become nigh-unrecognizable.

Totally...I just reject the argument (usually made by guys) that the girlfriend is to blame for "forcing" the guy to abandon his former life. I don't buy that.

[and1grad]

Constantly putting your friends last not only makes you whipped, but it makes you a shitty friend. And a lot of times, the gf, or bf, IS to blame.

[EmberMae]

Just because someone's in a relationship doesn't mean that people shouldn't bat an eye when they are ditched. You could give the same "it's their choice to make" reason when someone chooses computer games/sports/work over spending time with their friends/SO.

Are you saying we have no right to be upset or feel abandoned because it's something that involves the SO? It's definitely not something that keeps me awake at night but it still kinda sucks when a friend disappears or become nigh-unrecognizable.
It's just the way you're phrasing it. Be upset at the friend for being a jerk and neglecting your friendship, don't be upset at his fiance or claim that it's because he is weak. The terminology is offensive. You wouldn't claim that a guy has no balls when he chooses work, games, sports over spending time with his friends, don't imply that choosing a woman is indicative of weakness or submission.

[and1grad]

don't imply that choosing a woman is indicative of weakness or submission.
A lot of times thats exactly what it is tho. And when thats the case, there shouldnt be anything wrong with calling someone out on it.

[wordsmith]

Constantly putting your friends last not only makes you whipped, but it makes you a shitty friend. And a lot of times, the gf, or bf, IS to blame.

It makes you a shitty friend, for sure. But nobody's whipped. You ALWAYS have a choice. If you let somebody tell you where to get on and get off, and doing things you don't want to do, to the exclusion of anything of your choosing, it's your own fault. Nobody's doing it to you, you're letting somebody tell you what to do, AND you're choosing to be with somebody who leads you around by the nose.

[wordsmith]

A lot of times thats exactly what it is tho. And when thats the case, there shouldnt be anything wrong with calling someone out on it.

Letting ANYbody tell you what you will and won't be doing all the time, whether it's a boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife, is giving somebody else total control (which is what we're really saying when we say somebody's whipped; oddly, though, only men can be whipped, if a woman is being treated in a controlling manner, there's no phrase for that, somehow). And it's stupid in any case.

But sometimes, people are CHOOSING their partner over others. And it can be asinine, and is, mostly likely, but that doesn't mean that they're forced to.

[and1grad]

Well...everyone's entitled to their opinion.

[old_school_soul]

P***y whipped doesn't mean without choice. P***y whipped doesn't mean you are forced to spend all your time with the woman. P***y whipped means that you are spending your time with the woman because you think if you don't you won't get any ass. It's more of an ass kissing demasculating behavior. The fact that you give up a friendship that had existed for years because of a vagina is sad.

[wordsmith]

Fine, but you're being kinda loserish by choice, then, not because the big bad women made you that way.

There are women do all kinds of stupid, lame stuff to "keep a man," too, but it's on them how much they wanna sacrifice to do it. They could say, "No, not gonna do this," too.

[old_school_soul]

Fine, but you're being kinda loserish by choice, then, not because the big bad women made you that way.

There are women do all kinds of stupid, lame stuff to "keep a man," too, but it's on them how much they wanna sacrifice to do it. They could say, "No, not gonna do this," too.

Most things in life are choice.. Like choose your own adventure that doesn't end until you die. It sucks more because it's a choice.

[and1grad]

P***y whipped doesn't mean without choice. P***y whipped doesn't mean you are forced to spend all your time with the woman. P***y whipped means that you are spending your time with the woman because you think if you don't you won't get any ass. It's more of an ass kissing demasculating behavior. The fact that you give up a friendship that had existed for years because of a vagina is sad.
Sad and unforgivable.

[wordsmith]

Most things in life are choice.. Like choose your own adventure that doesn't end until you die. It sucks more because it's a choice.

I agree with you, and I think my former friend is a moron and a bad friend for making her guy be the literal sole focus of her life, and we're no longer tight because of it. And it is sad...

But I don't say, "Oh, the guy is MAKING her do that," the way women are projected as "whipping" guys and "making" them act certain ways. I think that's BS. Guys who are whipped are whipped because they allow it. Women who are ruled by the fear that if they don't focus totally on their man, their man will leave put themselves in that stupid situation as well. I just reject the "The poor guys...it's all the women's fault," mentality that often goes hand in hand with this.

[CTGirl]

Most things in life are choice.. Like choose your own adventure that doesn't end until you die. It sucks more because it's a choice.

Exactly, almost everything we do in life is a choice, no one can truly "force" you to do anything really, there is almost always a choice - not always a nice one, but a choice nonetheless.

[and1grad]

I agree with you, and I think my former friend is a moron and a bad friend for making her guy be the literal sole focus of her life, and we're no longer tight because of it. And it is sad...

But I don't say, "Oh, the guy is MAKING her do that," the way women are projected as "whipping" guys and "making" them act certain ways. I think that's BS. Guys who are whipped are whipped because they allow it. Women who are ruled by the fear that if they don't focus totally on their man, their man will leave put themselves in that stupid situation as well. I just reject the "The poor guys...it's all the women's fault," mentality that often goes hand in hand with this.
I thought the whole point of calling someone "whipped" was that you ARENT sympathetic.

[wordsmith]

So there's no negative connotation toward the GFs when you refer to a guy as whipped, then? Because usually the context is that the woman is a bitch who won't let the guy have any fun.

[and1grad]

So there's no negative connotation toward the GFs when you refer to a guy as whipped, then? Because usually the context is that the woman is a bitch who won't let the guy have any fun.
Sure it is...but its not that people are being sympathetic to the guy b/c of it. Unless he marries the bitch. THAT would be rough.

[wordsmith]

Cause he'd clearly be forced to marry somebody who he doesn't wanna marry. :rolleyes:

[CTGirl]

Cause he'd clearly be forced to marry somebody who he doesn't wanna marry. :rolleyes:

I think the argument is not that the guy is being focred to do things that he doesnt want, but rather being influenced about those wants by someone who is not looking out for his best interest, as presumably his friends are.

[wordsmith]

I think it's a power struggle between friends and those in relationships.

[and1grad]

I think the argument is not that the guy is being focred to do things that he doesnt want, but rather being influenced about those wants by someone who is not looking out for his best interest, as presumably his friends are.
Correcta!

[wordsmith]

And I suppose the GF miiiiiiight say the same thing about the friends.

Power struggle.

[CTGirl]

And I suppose the GF miiiiiiight say the same thing about the friends.

Power struggle.

Absolutely, which is where calling the guy a "p***y" comes in, cuz he's not being steady about what it is that he wants.

[and1grad]

Ok the next person that makes me edit their post on this thread is done til after Xmas.

[CTGirl]

Ok the next person that makes me edit their post on this thread is done til after Xmas.

Sorry! I thought I'd seen that word used earlier in this thread, so I was just attempting to quote earlier terminology, wont happen again!

[wordsmith]

...'cuz he's not being steady about what it is that he wants.

In the cases stated in the thread, it sounded to me like the guys mentioned were pretty clear about what they wanted, which was to cater to their GFs. Obv. not a popular choice, but apparently what they want.

[CTGirl]

In the cases stated in the thread, it sounded to me like the guys mentioned were pretty clear about what they wanted, which was to cater to their GFs. Obv. not a popular choice, but apparently what they want.

Right, but that's not what he wanted before he met her - hence the lack of clarity.

[wordsmith]

Stuff changes, though, obviously...nobody's arm is being twisted.

It's just other people thinking they know what's best for somebody. When in reality, it's for the person...not the GF or BF, or the friends, to decide for him or herself.

[Chameleon]

It still sucks to only see them around when the BF/GF is out of town or otherwise incapacitated. You can't help but feel eclipsed by his/her presence though - s/he's there, you don't exist, s/he's not, you get your friend back! Yay! How come some people can balance the SO/friend thing or seemed capable of doing so before this particular SO came along?

People seem to be underestimating the arm twisting capability of SOs though. The scars aren't physical, they can be more subtle but they are there! :D

[Krishna]

I think the argument is not that the guy is being focred to do things that he doesnt want, but rather being influenced about those wants by someone who is not looking out for his best interest, as presumably his friends are.

So we're to assume then that someone who loves them enough to marry them doesnt have their SO's best interest at heart?

[embrassezla]

So we're to assume then that someone who loves them enough to marry them doesnt have their SO's best interest at heart?
or their own, sometimes!

[and1grad]

People seem to be underestimating the arm twisting capability of SOs though. The scars aren't physical, they can be more subtle but they are there! :D
I agree.

[Winter Storm]

Ok, where can I get one of these whipped guys? :?:

[wordsmith]

It still sucks to only see them around when the BF/GF is out of town or otherwise incapacitated. You can't help but feel eclipsed by his/her presence though - s/he's there, you don't exist, s/he's not, you get your friend back! Yay! How come some people can balance the SO/friend thing or seemed capable of doing so before this particular SO came along?

Agreed. Which is why I've stopped dealing with my one friend who only calls me when the BF is out of town.

People seem to be underestimating the arm twisting capability of SOs though. The scars aren't physical, they can be more subtle but they are there! :D

Nobody makes you stay in a manipulative situation, though. In my above friend's case, the guy doesn't dictate it, he could care less if she goes out without him...it's all her.

Your arm is twisted if you LET somebody twist it.

[CTGirl]

So we're to assume then that someone who loves them enough to marry them doesnt have their SO's best interest at heart?

In my own personal opinion, if you're in a situation where your SO is spending all of his/her free time with you, and not the friends that he/she used to hang out with, then no, you are not looking out for that person's best interests.

[and1grad]

In my own personal opinion, if you're in a situation where your SO is spending all of his/her free time with you, and not the friends that he/she used to hang out with, then no, you are not looking out for that person's best interests.
Amen!!

[Krishna]

In my own personal opinion, if you're in a situation where your SO is spending all of his/her free time with you, and not the friends that he/she used to hang out with, then no, you are not looking out for that person's best interests.

Are supposed to throw them out the door and say "go have a guy's weekend?" :p I don't know about you, but if my guy doesnt want to go somewhere, nothing I say or do will get him out the door.

[shimma]

Ok the next person that makes me edit their post on this thread is done til after Xmas.


Can't I talk about my cat????

[weary]

Can't I talk about my cat????
curiosity might kill it...

[shimma]

curiosity might kill it...


Really? But not even spanking can kill my monkey...

[CTGirl]

Are supposed to throw them out the door and say "go have a guy's weekend?" :p I don't know about you, but if my guy doesnt want to go somewhere, nothing I say or do will get him out the door.

Well what's wrong with you going to hang out with his friends with him? Time with the two groups does not have to be mutually exclusive.

In the 2 long-term relationships I've been in, I was cool with the guy's friends, so a vast majority of his free time was spent with both me and his friends all at the same time.

And yeah, what's wrong with reminding your guy that he is encouraged to spend time with his buddies if he's forgotten about them?

[weary]

Are supposed to throw them out the door and say "go have a guy's weekend?" :p I don't know about you, but if my guy doesnt want to go somewhere, nothing I say or do will get him out the door.
a GF of mine has a husband who hardly ever goes anywhere. he surely is not whipped as their marriage sucks. she spends time with him/the kids when she's home, goes out w/ me and her other friends, spends time w/ her extended family etc and encourages him to get out more but nothin' doin'. he just sits his miserable ass in the house. he did this before their marriage sucked as much as it does now. he also started to slowly disassociate from his former friends not b/c he'd gotten married or was whipped, but b/c they were disrespectful of his new life situation. encouraged him to troll for babes when they were all out together, calling him a punk and whipped when he cut back on their TWICE a week (one week night, one weekend night) hanging out b/c his wife had just had a baby and helllloooooo, he wanted to spend time with his new family, etc.

[and1grad]

Can't I talk about my cat????
You might be confusing me for someone who wont ban you. Try me.

[Krishna]

Well what's wrong with you going to hang out with his friends with him? Time with the two groups does not have to be mutually exclusive.

In the 2 long-term relationships I've been in, I was cool with the guy's friends, so a vast majority of his free time was spent with both me and his friends all at the same time.

And yeah, what's wrong with reminding your guy that he is encouraged to spend time with his buddies if he's forgotten about them?

I can (and do) hang out with his friends. My point though (and I don't know if anyone else's SO is this way) is that I can talk until I'm blue in the face, but he wont do something until he actually wants to. So my mentioning the guys weekend don't do a lick of good until he decides that's what he wants.

[CTGirl]

I can (and do) hang out with his friends. My point though (and I don't know if anyone else's SO is this way) is that I can talk until I'm blue in the face, but he wont do something until he actually wants to. So my mentioning the guys weekend don't do a lick of good until he decides that's what he wants.

Well yeah, you cant force him of course, and if this is your situation, then you are not they type of SO I was talking about.

[and1grad]

Here's a nice easy way to get banned. Make fun of a mod warning. Seriously, shim, weary, keep it up. I'll make sure to have some fun with how long your ban will be.

[weary]

Here's a nice easy way to get banned. Make fun of a mod warning. Seriously, shim, weary, keep it up. I'll make sure to have some fun with how long your ban will be.

i really don't get where you're coming from on this. the jokes we made were much more light-hearted than some of the risque bantering you yourself have been involved in on other threads [with us and others]. and neither of us posted the actual replies that started your warning about objectionable words, so WTF? did one of us piss you off in another way we're unaware of? i won't speak for shim, but i really don't get this. this is totally out of left field or i missed something.

[and1grad]

i really don't get where you're coming from on this. the jokes we made were much more light-hearted than some of the risque bantering you yourself have been involved in on other threads [with us and others]. and neither of us posted the actual replies that started your warning about objectionable words, so WTF? did one of us piss you off in another way we're unaware of? i won't speak for shim, but i really don't get this. this is totally out of left field or i missed something.
Whats not to get? I put a mod warning and youre making jokes about it. I'm missing why you need an explanation but there it is.

[weary]

Whats not to get? I put a mod warning and youre making jokes about it. I'm missing why you need an explanation but there it is.

you know what. forget it. you so did not get where i was coming from but whatever. i'll keep my nose clean and stay out of your hair.

[and1grad]

Forgotten.

[sparky88]

I got married 4 months ago and find that I'm hanging out with my single friends much less.

Part of this is that I moved 3 hours away (big part, actually).

In my single days I found it challenging to balance career, health, friends, and family time. Now I have 2 families (mine and my husbands) to build and maintain relationships with -a total of 30 people. Between work, traveling between 2 families, and trying to find alone time with my husband it is has become more challenging to make time for friends. And we don't even have kids yet.

That said, I DO make an effort to keep in touch. I find that I need to put in what feels like 2-3 times the effort I used to just to simply maintain relationships with my single friends....and I know that part of it is because they've written me off as 'married'. I get 1/2 the calls from them I used to, and when we DO hang out it is always me driving 3 hours to see them- never them coming to visit.

So this really goes both ways. The way I see it is we are all going to have to give and take if we want our friendships to last over a lifetime.

[Chameleon]

A good friend of mine got married last year and moved to Chicago. I've visited twice since she moved and she just had a baby earlier this month who I'll hopefully see once Chicago thaws out a bit (I'm a wuss when it comes to the cold). I don't see her everyday like I used to (we worked in the same office building) but our friendship is still going strong. She has a 2 week old baby, spent a week in the hospital with complications, is sleeping 2-3 hours a night and she still remembered to ask how my dating life was going.

I know having a SO and a family greatly complicates things, but I'm definitely don't think I'm asking too much to have a friend follow through on plans, as infrequently as they do occur, instead of letting them get vetoed by his SO "Sweetie, I know you said you were going to do this but how about we do this instead which s/he'll have absolutely no interest in doing but invite her/him anyway". Thanks! Yes, I know, he's giving her the veto power and wouldn't do so if he didn't want to, cuz he doesn't want an unhappy girlfriend more than he doesn't want a pissed off friend.