Discussing the inevitable

[winneythepooh7]

OK, I don't know why this popped into my mind today (probably because of all the retirement/long-term financial planning threads), however, I started thinking about what my role is going to be if something ever happens to my parents.

Awhile back, when my mother actually almost died out of the blue, they brought it up, said they were going to sit down with my sister and I, sign over the house (which is paid off) to us, discuss long term planning, etc. etc.

But it hasn't been discussed since. And honestly, I feel weird and dismal being like "So guys, what do I do if you die"...........

I mean, I honestly don't even know who I would contact if something happened to them. I am sure they have someone that will contact me, or my relatives or something...........I don't know. I guess it just helps to think about the unexpected because none of us are getting any younger. Has anyone on here personally have had to deal with this before?

I also think about their long-term care, nursing home stuff, etc. It's not a nice system out there either!

[Kitty]

My mom is only 49, so I haven't really thought about it too much. However, my employer actually offers health coverage for relatives (in the sense that they pay for nursing home or live-in care). I haven't signed up for that because I haven't needed to...but it is reassuring to know it's there.

[wordsmith]

I didn't start thinking about it until my paternal grandmother, who has been a widow for thirty years, got Alzheimer's, and my dad become the only one of her children to take care of things on her behalf. Now I think about it all the time. I think more about what will happen when/if a parents gets dementia than dealing with handling the death stuff, but it's basically the same thing, in that you have to make all the decisions and so it's best if you have mapped that out in advance.

[winneythepooh7]

I didn't start thinking about it until my paternal grandmother, who has been a widow for thirty years, got Alzheimer's, and my dad become the only one of her children to take care of things on her behalf. Now I think about it all the time. I think more about what will happen when/if a parents gets dementia than dealing with handling the death stuff, but it's basically the same thing, in that you have to make all the decisions and so it's best if you have mapped that out in advance.

This is the thing that worries me. My parents right now live 2 1/2 hours from me (when there's no traffic). My fiance's elderly grandparents have always lived with the family, so I've seen firsthand the difficulty on the family having elderly with alzheimers, and/or significant health problems in that close of quarters. Working in healthcare, I know that all options available pretty much suck. If there is any family involved, and they can remain in the community, you don't get much homecare hours. And because it's a minimum-wage hourly position, you are looking at crappy attendants.

I also understand that if the home is still in my parents name, if one or both of them ever had to go into a nursing home, potentially, the nursing home could "inherit that money".

And these are just tip-of-the iceburg things to think about.

I was recently leafing through a catalog of courses offered at the local community college, and they regularly offer a class in "Eldercare planning".

I am pretty positive that my parents have all of these things thought out (and I know they also have a will), it's just how do you go about discussing these things?

Easier said then done......

[NewMrs.]

I haven't discussed this with my parents.

I have a feeling that they discussed all of this with one of my aunts and put her in charge of everything in the event that something should happen to them. I know that several years ago, they said something to the effect that if something happened to them, then my aunt would get custody of my little sister.

This thread is now making me wonder if I should bring this up to them. I kind of feel like my husband and I should be the ones to take my sister in, since we're younger and planning on having our own kids soon and my aunt is single and already raising one kid on her own, but that's my parents' decision. My aunt actually lives in a much better school district than I do, so maybe it would be better that my sister go to live with my aunt instead of me if something were to happen to my parents.

Hopefully this will turn out to be a non-issue.

[wordsmith]

I also understand that if the home is still in my parents name, if one or both of them ever had to go into a nursing home, potentially, the nursing home could "inherit that money".

Def. the case with my grandmother. Her estate, (and with it, any of her family's inheritance, which isn't much to begin with) will almost definitely be sold to pay for her care.

[cheshrcarol]

I also understand that if the home is still in my parents name, if one or both of them ever had to go into a nursing home, potentially, the nursing home could "inherit that money".That's not potential, that is definite. And if your parents gift it away within 3 years of one of them going into a nursing home, it will probably still get taken by medicaid. And that goes for any assets they have. Everything will go to pay the nursing home until it's all gone and medicaid kicks in. And the 3-year rule is because it would be considering trying to defraud if they gifted assets away right before needing to go into a nursing home.

My family is sort of dealing with this right now too, as my grandmother has alzheimer's will and will almost certainly need to go into a nursing home at some point. But the majority of my grandparents' assets are in her name only, which causes a very sticky financial situation.

As for my parents, it's kind of come up because of all the health problems of my grandparents, but I don't know specifically what they want. All I know is that my mother keeps telling us to just shoot her and put her out of her misery if she starts to get senile.

[Krishna]

I worked with the elderly in the health care industry for the last several years. I've seen everything that can go wrong, and like Murphey's Law, it usually hits the unprepared. This summer I had both of my parents create living wills for their health care wishes, had them sign durable power of attorney forms, and made sure I was authorized to access their safety deposit box if I ever needed to. They were at a financial planner recently and discussed their long-term care insurance needs.

Recommendations from me:
1- Make sure your parents have signed advanced health directives stating what measures they wish to have used to keep them alive.
2- Discuss organ donation, and if possible get that in writing too.
3- Create a standard durable power of attorney form. They are available on the internet. The person needs to initial what powers they want their representative to have (i.e. right to make financial decision). Have this notorized and then make several copies. Remember, with the HIPAA laws, health care institutions can't release information unless they have documents on file clearly identifying somone as a power of attorney/legal representative. Check with the local hospitals to make sure the forms you have are acceptable.
4- Ask where copies of important documents (like their wills) are kept.
5- Have them create a list of people to contact in certain circumstances. Type up the names, addresses and pager/phone number(s) for these people. Make copies of this.
6- Have them keep an up to date listing of their current medications/dosages, just for verification purposes.

Of the above information, put the following in a file and store in a location where it can be grabbed at a moments notice:
-Copy of durable power attorney
-Copy of health care advanced directive
-Emergency contact list
-List of current medications/dosages


Never hurts to be prepared. I have a hard time talking about things like that too...but when you've seen what can happen if it hasnt been discussed, it makes you want to be prepared.

[Starsailor]

Ah. I've tried to get my mom to sit down and discuss these issues with me but she doesn't seem to want to or feel it's necessary. Besides the obvious reasons, I particularly want to get it sorted because I can see my brothers, and even my dad (who she's no longer married to), trying to control things...and I know that's not how she'd want it, and I certainly know that they'd have no idea what she wanted. Or that they'd do what she wanted more precisely, but what made them feel best. Is this making any sense? They're also so irresponsible. They would just muck things up so much. But still, she won't get it on paper for me. Sigh.

[ocean24]

My grandmother started suffering from dementia several years back, but lived on the opposite side of the country. My mom had to make countless trips out there to take care of her. A nursing home was too expensive and I remember that there was a significant amount of family drama while trying to make decisions on her care. It's never something you want to think about, but it's too important not to. My parents will be retiring within the next couple of years and I worry about whether or not I will be able to take care of them, should something happen. I appreciate that this topic was brought up...it's so easy to get wrapped up in what I am doing and avoid thinking about these things.

Krishna, great list btw.

[Krishna]

Krishna, great list btw.


Thanks. It was so sad when peoples' kids would call in and I couldn't help them because they hadn't taken the proper steps to document their authority to make decisions for their parents and/or access health records.

[pisces2473]

Of the above information, put the following in a file and store in a location where it can be grabbed at a moments notice:
-Copy of durable power attorney
-Copy of health care advanced directive
-Emergency contact list
-List of current medications/dosages
In my area, the local VNA offers a little kit called the Vial of Life (or something like that) which magnetizes to your refrigerator. The local EMTs are told to look for that when responding to a 911 call, so that they can bring it with the person when transporting them to the hospital.

[pisces2473]

I know my parents have a will and my parents are each others power of attorney. I am not sure if they have advanced directives or not. They keep talking about going to have their funerals pre-arranged (it sounds morbid, but my mom's parents did theirs and it was the best gift they gave my mom and her siblings) but I think they need to have this other stuff taken care of too. I would end up being the one in charge, since I could see my brother yelling at the doctors to keep trying to rescucitate them :rolleyes:

My grandfather just got his DNR bracelet from the doctor this week. :(

[TinyDancer]

Thanks for the list Krishna. . . My parents are on top of most things, but I'm going to share that with them.

One set of grandparents set up a family meeting with their kids last year to discuss their wishes, who would be in charge of what, and who would get what.

My grandma had all of her jewelry set out in the bedroom so that they could all go through it, which actually was pretty funny.

Mom said it was a really good thing. . . they are currently in good health, but you never know.

People say that I should have a will now, too because I do make decent money and have a house, etc. I keep putting it off, but I need to do it.

[vxmike]

People need to get their significant assets out of their names and into trusts. It's a relatively cheap and easy way to protect assets from hospitals and nursing homes and will also avoid the estate from going into probate when someones dies. A will is not enough.

[wordsmith]

The care has to be paid for somehow, though.