Sticky wedding situation

[winneythepooh7]

OK, so my parents have a really close elderly friend who has a son (he's in his late 40's) who is very mentally unstable (he's currently not in treatment for bipolar disorder).

They and everyone else constantly make excuses for him. Having worked in the mental health field I know that he is on the down-ward spiral and it's only a matter of time before he hurts himself, someone else or ends up in jail for harassment which he has a long history of when he is not taking his meds. A lot of stuff has gone down over the past few years with him, but he's always discharged from the hospital and according to my family/his brother, the treatment providers aren't really following up with him either (which may or may not be true). Another major issue is that his family is very religiously preoccupied (as are lots of people in the area I grow up in) and feel that the power of prayer is going to heal him. His mother (my mom's friend) is also afraid of him we think.

Anyways, on to my issue with this:

So I was speaking to my mother today and she told me how he has been coming around their house a lot lately unexpectedly, has been drinking, just acting really bizarre, etc. etc. (he always does this when he's off his meds).

I asked her if she plans on inviting his mother (who he lives with) to the wedding.
She said yes. I am really pissed because I don't want this guy to know where I am getting married because I have a feeling he is going to show up and make a scene if he's not medicated (this is his regular behavior, he shows up places uninvited and makes scenes).

My mom says we have to invite his mother because she will be hurt if she doesn't get an invitation. She also doesn't think she will come anyways, but still, if she receives an invitation, I just have this feeling that he will show up unvited and start shit.

No one will confront him or his family about this either. I mean, I know my family has said some things to his family and him, but it's gone in one ear and out the other.

I don't want to be a Bridezilla, but it is my day and I think I should have the say. What are your thoughts?

[NewMrs.]

This is tough. I actually got in several arguments with my future husband last year because of our guest list. His mom and grandmother kept wanting to invite people whom neither my husband nor I knew very well. I was trying to keep the guest list down, and it was my position that we shouldn't have to invite them because it was our wedding and not his family's wedding. It caused alot of tension between us.

My thought was that you shouldn't invite somebody who probably won't come, because then it will just look like you're asking for a gift. That being said, if you associate with this person at all, you should keep the wedding talk at a bare minimum when this person is within hearing distance. I don't know how you would be able to get your mom to agree with this, though.

[winneythepooh7]

This is tough. I actually got in several arguments with my future husband last year because of our guest list. His mom and grandmother kept wanting to invite people whom neither my husband nor I knew very well. I was trying to keep the guest list down, and it was my position that we shouldn't have to invite them because it was our wedding and not his family's wedding. It caused alot of tension between us.

My thought was that you shouldn't invite somebody who probably won't come, because then it will just look like you're asking for a gift. That being said, if you associate with this person at all, you should keep the wedding talk at a bare minimum when this person is within hearing distance. I don't know how you would be able to get your mom to agree with this, though.

And that's the other thing, my family is paying for the wedding. She already has it in her head that she will offend the mother by not inviting her (even though she probably won't come). My fiance is already annoyed with his mother over the guest list for their side. And to make up for this, she's offered to pay for anyone "extra" they want to come. It's just really annoying. I didn't want a big to-do to begin with, and now I have to worry about this shit (bipolar guy).

[wordsmith]

Why would his mother have to tell him that she's going to your wedding?

[winneythepooh7]

Why would his mother have to tell him that she's going to your wedding?

He would know. He lives with her and knows everything. Part of how he acts when he is not medicated is he just goes around to everyone he has ever met home in the middle of the night/early morning, will show up at church and make scenes, etc. etc. etc. And with my luck, she'd probably ask him to drive her! This dude has been known to go swimming in my parent's pool at like 2 in the morning. He'll walk around to the back of the house and knock on the window and scare my mom. He's off his rocker. But they don't want to cause strife by calling the police (who again, may or may not do anything).

[steph78]

Could you just send an announcement to the guy's mother instead of an invitation? We had a small-ish wedding (not tiny, but we didn't invite everyone we knew, either) and we had about some announcements printed that we sent out the Monday after the wedding to people who were a little more distantly connected to us (for example, my grandparents best friends who live about 12 hours away and who we knew would not come the wedding). Might not appease your parents, but just a thought for a way you could avoid having this lady's son find out about the wedding beforehand while still letting her know that she wasn't being snubbed/ignored.

[winneythepooh7]

Could you just send an announcement to the guy's mother instead of an invitation? We had a small-ish wedding (not tiny, but we didn't invite everyone we knew, either) and we had about some announcements printed that we sent out the Monday after the wedding to people who were a little more distantly connected to us (for example, my grandparents best friends who live about 12 hours away and who we knew would not come the wedding). Might not appease your parents, but just a thought for a way you could avoid having this lady's son find out about the wedding beforehand while still letting her know that she wasn't being snubbed/ignored.

I want to sit down and call a family meeting. My fiance's parents want to come with us to see the wedding place in a few weeks when we go to make another payment. I think we should start addressing all of our concerns then. I am also going to ask about security and that kind of thing to the guy in charge of the place.

[steph78]

Yeah, definitely best to air your feelings now rather than waiting till it's time to mail the invitations. Good luck! Hopefully your family will listen to your concerns (they sound justified!)

[pisces2473]

Winney, I think having a family meeting is a good idea. Also, another good idea is to check with the reception place about they've handled uninvited guests in the past...

Don't you have police connections? ;) You could always hire a cop to patrol the area every so often, if that would make you feel better.

It's really too bad that this guy's family doesn't see that he really needs help.

[winneythepooh7]

Winney, I think having a family meeting is a good idea. Also, another good idea is to check with the reception place about they've handled uninvited guests in the past...

Don't you have police connections? ;) You could always hire a cop to patrol the area every so often, if that would make you feel better.

It's really too bad that this guy's family doesn't see that he really needs help.

Good call Pisces. Well, that connection retired on 12/1 and is also a main part of the wedding, so I don't want to put that kind of burden on him. This must be an issue that has come up before though, I would think.

[pisces2473]

Good call Pisces. Well, that connection retired on 12/1 and is also a main part of the wedding, so I don't want to put that kind of burden on him. This must be an issue that has come up before though, I would think.
I didn't mean HIM. I meant like a friend or buddy or something. Can you ask him what he thinks should be done? He might have a suggestion...

Good luck. I think I've told you about my dad's "baby" brother, the raging alkie. :rolleyes:

[winneythepooh7]

I didn't mean HIM. I meant like a friend or buddy or something. Can you ask him what he thinks should be done? He might have a suggestion...

Good luck. I think I've told you about my dad's "baby" brother, the raging alkie. :rolleyes:


I think you did tell me. I will address this with him, thanks for bringing me back down to earth ;).................uh, oh. Is it happening already to me????!!!!

[pisces2473]

I think you did tell me. I will address this with him, thanks for bringing me back down to earth ;).................uh, oh. Is it happening already to me????!!!!
Hehehe, yeah, talk to "him." I'm sure he'll think of something. Besides, he might like that task, to watch out for him...men in his position often feel left out on that day.

275 days for you...268 for me...

[SmilesSoSweet]

Well I'm not getting married, but my sister is. And I think she and her fiancee are going to pull off a one-month engagement and get married by the end of this month (and she's NOT pregnant!)

This is my sister, my only sister, the sister that never wanted to get married, didn't care about planning a wedding and is now stressing out over a wedding and is becoming the bride she never thought she'd be. She's not turning into a bridezilla. She just never thought she'd be really stressed out about planning such a simple, small wedding.

Oh and I would definite express your concern with your mom about this person. Afterall it is your wedding.

[pisces2473]

didn't care about planning a wedding and is now stressing out over a wedding and is becoming the bride she never thought she'd be. She's not turning into a bridezilla. She just never thought she'd be really stressed out about planning such a simple, small wedding.
Hi, that was me in June. I seriously CRIED the weekend we got engaged because it was all so overwhelming.

[SmilesSoSweet]

Hi, that was me in June. I seriously CRIED the weekend we got engaged because it was all so overwhelming.

I'm such a planning freak that I have a feeling that if I ever get engaged I will definitely be a bridezilla trying to plan a wedding and making it all perfect! :eek: LOL

I think I'd just hire my brother to be my wedding planner since he was the bridezilla in his wedding. LOL (My sister is almost considering going that route too. hahaha)

[shinyleaf]

I know too well the whole too-many unknown guests because your parents are paying for the wedding thing. I don't really have a solution but maybe a consolation... if you are having a huge number of guests to your wedding, the crazies get kind of diluted - not as much attention to them with so many people there.
Try not to assume the worst will happen, and if it does, it is totally out of your control so don't let him or anyone ruin your day.
I agree security, or restricted access to invitees only (especially during your speeches and supper) would be a good idea!