Wedding Etiquette Question

[grneyedmustang]

I'll try to keep this as brief as I possibly can...

I started a thread on this a little while ago...but I'll provide some brief background information. My best friend is getting married, and when she told me about her engagement, she informed me that she wasn't going to have any bridesmaids. Well, in a roundabout way, I found out she had asked another friend to not only be in the wedding, but also asked her to be the maid of honor. We had a huge disagreement about it, and she did ask me to be a bridesmaid after the fact.

I found out last week that the maid of honor has decided that she's not planning either the bridal shower OR the bachelorette party.

I have to admit that I want to refuse to do it. Isn't it the Maid of Honor's responsibility to plan these things? A part of me wants to be spiteful and refuse to do it because initially she didn't even want me to participate in her wedding (plus from my understanding of wedding etiquette, it's not my responsibility)...but I also want to "be the bigger woman" and make sure that my friend has a shower and a bachelorette party.

Thoughts/opinions? How would you feel?

[WorkInProgress]

Well, I don't think that you *must* do either of those things. I would be nice to do something, though. Is her mother planning a shower? Maybe you could help out with that? Does she need help putting together invitations, or favors? Maybe you could plan an informal nice dinner (in or out) with her?

If you're feeling this bitter about the whole thing, though, perhaps it's better for you to just not be in the wedding party. It sounds like it's not fun for you, or for your friend.

[mishl982]

Do you know why the MOH doesn't want to plan the shower and bach party? Such as she just is too lazy or maybe the bride doesn't want it? I would talk with the MOH to find out the reasoning and if you still really want to plan it, then talk to her and the bride.

Don't be spiteful to your best friend. She's your friend, and she wants you there for her special day, even if it's as a bridesmaid. I could understand if you refused due to time, money, etc, but to refuse because she didn't pick you as her MOH is kind of crappy, IMO.

[grneyedmustang]

The MOH is refusing to plan the events is due to her just being lazy.

I'm not being spiteful because she didn't choose me to be the maid of honor; the reason I'm feeling spiteful is because I have the impression that she didn't want me to be in the wedding altogether. She lied about the whole "not having bridesmaids" thing and then didn't have the decency to tell me that she changed her mind. Instead of her saying "well, Paula, I have decided to have bridesmaids...but I would like you to participate in other ways...", she chose to just not say anything...and didn't tell me anything at all. I had to find out from someone else.

Having her mother plan the events is out of the question, also. Their relationship isn't on the best of terms.

[mishl982]

Maybe she really did change her mind from having no bridal party to having one. If she didn't want you in the wedding, then she wouldn't have asked. Obviously she does want you there. If she was going to invite everyone she felt obligated to have in the wedding, that would be one huge bridal party. :p

[sparky88]

I would feel the same way! Especially because the MOH is being lazy. Is it also because she doesn't have resources (time, money, lives far away, etc). There are ways around that like everyone chipping in on costs, and other things. I totally think all party planning should be the MOH job.

[asm198]

I think that anyone who wants to plan those things can do so. Generally, the MOH does the planning with the rest of the bridesmaids, but it doesn't have to be that way. For instance, I asked my mom to throw me a shower.

Also, am I reading this wrong or did you guilt your friend into making you a bridesmaid?

[SmilesSoSweet]

I'm a MOH for an upcoming wedding and I already knew that I had to help plan the shower and bachelorette party. Of course I'm getting help from the other bridesmaids and even the bride herself.

The MOH just being lazy isn't an excuse.

I say stay away from this if you can.

[grneyedmustang]

I think that anyone who wants to plan those things can do so. Generally, the MOH does the planning with the rest of the bridesmaids, but it doesn't have to be that way. For instance, I asked my mom to throw me a shower.

Also, am I reading this wrong or did you guilt your friend into making you a bridesmaid?

I was hoping I didn't guilt her into making me a bridesmaid. When I found out that she didnt ask me to be in the party after she told me about it, she could tell i was upset about something and she asked me what was going on. I told her my feelings were hurt - especially since we're supposed to be best friends - and the fact that I had to find out from someone else made me feel even worse. A few days later....she says she thought about it...and she wanted me to be in the wedding.

[asm198]

I was hoping I didn't guilt her into making me a bridesmaid. When I found out that she didnt ask me to be in the party after she told me about it, she could tell i was upset about something and she asked me what was going on. I told her my feelings were hurt - especially since we're supposed to be best friends - and the fact that I had to find out from someone else made me feel even worse. A few days later....she says she thought about it...and she wanted me to be in the wedding.

Ah, ok. I didn't want to jump to conclusions, but you kind of made it sound like you pushed yourself into the wedding party.

[blueyes]

I was a bridesmaid who threw a shower last year and a MOH this year who will plan and throw both the shower and bachelorette party. I volunteered for the first b/c the MOH was only 17 and I volunteered for the second b/c my bride expects it AND none of the other bridesmaids have been overly cooperative up to this point.

I'm not thrilled - at all - that I'm planning the bachelorette party for this year, but I'm going to suck it up and do it anyway. I'm fine with planning the shower b/c I know what I'm going to do and I know what I'll need as far as financial support goes. But I'm NOT excited about the bachelorette party b/c the bride has indicated that she wants to go to a male strip club and the FSIL is too young to go and this issue has already caused angst.

Showers, I can do. Bachelorette non-sense...not so much.

[embrassezla]

But I'm NOT excited about the bachelorette party b/c the bride has indicated that she wants to go to a male strip club and the FSIL is too young to go and this issue has already caused angst.
HAHAHA, woah, that's pretty much my worst nightmare.

[WorkInProgress]

I'm not thrilled - at all - that I'm planning the bachelorette party for this year, but I'm going to suck it up and do it anyway. I'm fine with planning the shower b/c I know what I'm going to do and I know what I'll need as far as financial support goes. But I'm NOT excited about the bachelorette party b/c the bride has indicated that she wants to go to a male strip club and the FSIL is too young to go and this issue has already caused angst.

This I would not do. She can suck it up and show appreciation for a nice dinner or a dirty game at home that everyone can participate in, or something else entirely. She doesn't get to pick when she's not the hostess, the planner nor the one footing the bill.

[NewMrs.]

This I would not do. She can suck it up and show appreciation for a nice dinner or a dirty game at home that everyone can participate in, or something else entirely. She doesn't get to pick when she's not the hostess, the planner nor the one footing the bill.


I agree. The bride is not entitled to a bachelorette party. If somebody wants to throw one for her, that's nice. However, the bride does not get to have any say in it or participate in the planning of it.

[grneyedmustang]

So here's my compromise to the situation...

I am going to go ahead and plan one of the events (most likely the Bachelorette Party). I think the MOH needs to get off her azz and plan the shower.

[sundaycomics]

So here's my compromise to the situation...

I am going to go ahead and plan one of the events (most likely the Bachelorette Party). I think the MOH needs to get off her azz and plan the shower.

That sounds like a good idea to me. I'm a married woman myself, so trust me when I say she'll appreciate the gesture and the fact that someone took the time to plan something for her.