Adoption

[AshleyJordan]

I'm curious how many (if any) of the other posters plan to adopt children later in life. If so, what are your motivations?

[wordsmith]

In heartbeat, if I am able to afford to do so.

My motivation comes from the reality that there has never been a doubt in my mind that I very much want to be a parent, and I probably won't be in a position to parent a child until later in life than is probably biologically viable.

It also comes from years of doing youth work and seeing how many children there are that need loving, caring, parents that don't have them. I know I could do that. I had more than a few kids I worked with who I would have made mine in a heartbeat, had it been the reasonable thing to do.

[sparky88]

i am open to adopting someday!

I've talked to many parents who have adopted and they have all considered it one of the biggest blessings in life.

My best friend grew up with an adopted sister and I think it taught her a lot about caring for people (empathy/acceptance/cultural values).

I know it can be expensive though- upwards of $10-15K when all is said and done (for an international baby, not sure about US baby).

[wordsmith]

Foreign-born children who are not infants are the least complicated and expensive adoption processes, typically, because they are not in as high of demand (it makes me kinda nauseous to even type that, but it's true).

[WorkInProgress]

Later in life? As in not right now, but sometime in the future?

I'd like to, if I can afford them, but I don't plan to be the only person involved in making my family planning decisions, so I can't say for sure.

Certainly if I can't have my own, for some reason, I'd like to adopt.

I want to be mom, there are plenty of motherless kids and I think I'd be reasonably good at it.

[AshleyJordan]

Another question-- how does the child's age factor into these decisions, if at all? Would ppl feel more comfortable adopting an infant over a "tween," for example?

[blueyes]

Absolutely. So very many parents are unfit parents (I worked for five years with children from all over a five-state area) and it both breaks my heart and enrages me.

My cousin is unable to biologically have children of her own and adopted two children from Nepal. She had spent six months or so with a friend in Nepal and fell in love with the culture and the people of Nepal. She adopted a girl (Zahara) and a boy (Bishal) who are the most loving sweet (well-adjusted) children I've ever met. My other cousin, her sister, has three horridly behaved biological children and she - my cousin - is one of the most unfit parents I've ever met in my life. And she wants a fourth child - as if that will solve anything. :rolleyes:

I will absolutely adopt. There are far too many children in the United States, let alone globally, that may feel unloved or unwanted. Age is not an issue.

[wordsmith]

Another question-- how does the child's age factor into these decisions, if at all? Would ppl feel more comfortable adopting an infant over a "tween," for example?

It doesn't matter to me. I'm not overly obsessed with taking care of an infant, and the children I've had the best rapport with have been in the 8-11 age range or so, traditionally.

A preteen or older would come with his or her own set of very specific challenges, though, that wouldn't apply to a baby or toddler that would have limited memories of life before adoption. Not to say that this is a horrible thing, but definitely something that merits consideration.

[WorkInProgress]

I'd be very, very concerned about the rights of the birth parents/family if I adopted.

And I don't want to say absolutely not about adopting an older kid, but it would really depend on the situation and the particular kid.

[AshleyJordan]

Another question (sort of gets into a gray area, morally.)

My very strong preference is to adopt a child from the same part of the world where my family is from and where there also happens to be a huge refugee population. Also, I think it might be easier for the kid since s/he would look "like" me, grow up hearing the same native language, and be connected to his or her culture.

Obviously, this wouldn't be for years, and it takes a lot of time and money to adopt internationally. There are also of course tons of kids in need here, in NYC. Is there something "wrong" with having this preference toward an international adoption, and from a specific region?

[wordsmith]

Another question (sort of gets into a gray area, morally.)

My very strong preference is to adopt a child from the same part of the world where my family is from and where there also happens to be a huge refugee population. Also, I think it might be easier for the kid since s/he would look "like" me, grow up hearing the same native language, and be connected to his or her culture.

Obviously, this wouldn't be for years, and it takes a lot of time and money to adopt internationally. There are also of course tons of kids in need here, in NYC. Is there something "wrong" with having this preference toward an international adoption, and from a specific region?

A lot of people prefer international adoption because it's often easier to obtain.

[Winter Storm]

I don't have a plan to but I'm open to it. Mainly because I'd love to have a big family but I don't really want to birth and carry too many kids.

I'd like to have 2-3 naturally and consider adopting after that.

[AshleyJordan]

A lot of people prefer international adoption because it's often easier to obtain.


Not here . . . I get emails from the NYC govt. all the time inviting me to learn more about their domestic adoption progs. . .and they have a *ton* of incentives to do so. Hence my mixed emotions about planning to adopt a baby from abroad (~10 years from now.)

[wordsmith]

Not here . . . I get emails from the NYC govt. all the time inviting me to learn more about their domestic adoption progs. . .and they have a *ton* of incentives to do so. Hence my mixed emotions about planning to adopt a baby from abroad (~10 years from now.)

It's totally dependent upon what you're looking for, in terms of how easy and affordable it is. So there are couples who find it less time consuming, and less costly to work with other governments in areas that make it simpler. There are def. places abroad where it's NOT simple, as well, though.

[NewMrs.]

My aunt adopted a baby / toddler last year. The child is an African-American male and my aunt is white.

My aunt got married when she was 37 and her husband died suddenly when she was 40. My aunt is currently 45. After her husband died, she started going to counseling, as well as meeting with a family friend who is a protestant minister. The minister eventually encouraged her to consider adoption. I don't know all of the details, but I do know that my aunt went through a two-year process with the state. Case workers interviewed her, as well as a great deal of her family and aquaintances. My aunt has a master's degree in Special Education and has a very good job working with preschoolers with disabilities, so this may have helped her application.

The child that was eventually placed with her does not have any disabilities, but was nontheless classified as a hard-to-place child. I know that the child's biological mother had the chance to view my aunt's application info and she personally "picked out" my aunt.

[SmilesSoSweet]

The real estate agent I was working with last year adopted two girls from China. She and her husband are white.

For the first adoption, it took about a year to 18 months to finish up the process. I think the second one went a lot quicker because they had already adopted before.

Both girls came from the same orphanage but they aren't related by blood. They're now sisters because of the adoption.

[WorkInProgress]

Some family members of mine fostered for a number of years. They adopted one of their foster children, but it took a looooong time, and as an observer, it seemed to take a considerable amount of effort (even though her birthmother/other family members were horrible, miserable excuses for human beings).

I'm not sure I could ever foster for the long term. I read an article once, about a woman who was a short term foster mother for infants before they were placed in a more long term situation, and that I could *maybe* do, but I definitely could not keep a child for a few years and then just give them back, especially if it's to a not so great situation.

[wordsmith]

I would also foster in a heartbeat (most of the kids I worked with really needed to be foster kids, to be honest), but I do know some really heartbreaking stories from families who fostered, including a family very close to me who raised a little girl from infancy up through upper elementary school, only to have to turn her back over to her mother. So very hard.

[WorkInProgress]

Yep, that's what I'm talking about, Words. Except in the case of my family members and their now adopted daughter, she had been abused by her mother (hence the fostering in the first place) and then they had to give her to her aunt and uncle (who also abused her) and then they got her again. This child was effed up by her biological family, and the system that was supposed to help her didn't/couldn't. It majorly blows. That's why I don't think I could do it.

Totally not the same thing, obviously, but it's the same principle behind why I could never foster dogs either. Too much emotional attachment and hurt.

And why I'd be worried if I adopt, because sometimes, those adoptions get reversed. This fear wouldn't preclude me from adopting, though, because I'd expect the likelihood to be very, very small, but I'd be lying if it weren't a concern.

[workaholic?]

my parents were foster parents for many of their earlier years of marriage. they had trouble conceiving so they entered the foster system and tried to adopt through that. as it turned out, they did adopt my oldest sister and they were also going to adopt her brother, but the biological mother wanted him back and not my sister. he's spoken to my parents in adult years and wishes they had been his parents as well. they had quite a few other foster children as well, but most of them were older and products of the system. as it turned out though, during the process of the adoption, my parents' adoption coordinator..agent? whatever she was...her husband was a fertility specialist and she set up an appointment for my parents...not long after the adoption was final, my mom also found out she was pregnant with my next oldest sister.

[AshleyJordan]

It's totally dependent upon what you're looking for, in terms of how easy and affordable it is. So there are couples who find it less time consuming, and less costly to work with other governments in areas that make it simpler. There are def. places abroad where it's NOT simple, as well, though.

You're definitely right that it would be more expensive and time-consuming and difficult to adopt, esp. from the area I'm considering. Ultimately what I'm feeling conflicted about is *choosing* to go abroad with so many kids in need here.

[embrassezla]

I'll adopt because:

1) I don't want kids for at least another decade
2) Same reason I'm pro-adopt, anti-breed dogs/cats. Too many already that need homes - why add to it.

[wordsmith]

You're definitely right that it would be more expensive and time-consuming and difficult to adopt, esp. from the area I'm considering. Ultimately what I'm feeling conflicted about is *choosing* to go abroad with so many kids in need here.

You shouldn't, IMO. A kid in need of a loving parent is a kid in need of a loving parent, no matter where that kid is.

[AshleyJordan]

Another adoption question:
My (male, of course,) friend was a little upset when I mentioned my adoption plans, saying that he thought it wouldn't be healthy for the kid to grow up without a father . . . this is all on the assumption that I'm still single in 10 yrs and adopt at that point. I was very hurt by that, because 1) I don't think single-parent households are necessarily unhealthy, 2) if I was adopting the child would probably have a worse life not being adopted by me than in my household, and, 3) I don't think I should have to sacrifice my dreams of having kids just because I'm single. Also, I'd be totally able to support the child on my income alone. Thoughts?

[Winter Storm]

Another adoption question:
My (male, of course,) friend was a little upset when I mentioned my adoption plans, saying that he thought it wouldn't be healthy for the kid to grow up without a father . . . this is all on the assumption that I'm still single in 10 yrs and adopt at that point. I was very hurt by that, because 1) I don't think single-parent households are necessarily unhealthy, 2) if I was adopting the child would probably have a worse life not being adopted by me than in my household, and, 3) I don't think I should have to sacrifice my dreams of having kids just because I'm single. Also, I'd be totally able to support the child on my income alone. Thoughts?

My thoughts are I totally agree with all 3 of your reasonings. I think its unfair to think they only way you can have a healthy, stable family is within the confines of marriage. Single people are just as capable and deserving.

[AshleyJordan]

My thoughts are I totally agree with all 3 of your reasonings. I think its unfair to think they only way you can have a healthy, stable family is within the confines of marriage. Single people are just as capable and deserving.

I think part of it was that (subconcsiously, maybe,) he felt a little freaked out by the idea of a woman being able to do all that without a man around. . . "what, you mean you don't need ME to have a kid?" :eek:

[Winter Storm]

I think part of it was that (subconcsiously, maybe,) he felt a little freaked out by the idea of a woman being able to do all that without a man around. . . "what, you mean you don't need ME to have a kid?" :eek:
And he should feel threatened. Woman now are doing all sorts of things without a man, making many women feel less of a need for a spouse or a husband these days.

[arrow]

Another adoption question:
My (male, of course,) friend was a little upset when I mentioned my adoption plans, saying that he thought it wouldn't be healthy for the kid to grow up without a father . . . this is all on the assumption that I'm still single in 10 yrs and adopt at that point. I was very hurt by that, because 1) I don't think single-parent households are necessarily unhealthy, 2) if I was adopting the child would probably have a worse life not being adopted by me than in my household, and, 3) I don't think I should have to sacrifice my dreams of having kids just because I'm single. Also, I'd be totally able to support the child on my income alone. Thoughts?

Could be you just hurt his ego. He probably wants to feel needed (as a father), but it's his fault for taking your decision personally.

In any case, it's probably not the child that needs two parents as much as the parents needing each other for help and support in raising the child. As long as you have that with community or family, you'll be fine. Many, many, many people do it. And you should realize your dream of having kids if you can, whether there's a man involved or not.

Right now I'm ambivalent about the children thing and most likely would be fine never having them, but if I ever change my mind I will not let marital/relationship status deter me. The only thing that would possibly get in the way is money.

EDIT: I just typed this before I saw all of the above replies!

[arrow]

And he should feel threatened. Woman now are doing all sorts of things without a man, making many women feel less of a need for a spouse or a husband these days.

Thank God, too. I personally want to choose the best mate for me based on factors other than his "ability to support me." If I get married, I'd like it to be because I want to, not because I have to.

[weary]

this is too personal for me to get very involved in a discussion (single-parent topic, not adoption) w/o getting too emo, but i will say this:

1 - many, MANY single parent households were not intentionally single*
2 - single parent does not always = bad situation
3 - two parents does not always = good situation

(*death, divorce, abandonment, etc.)

i am a better parent to my child than i ever would have been together w/ his father, who was abusive and a criminal, to name just a couple things completely wrong w/ him/his character. what kind of example would i be setting if i had stayed in that relationship, "for the family/kid"? that it's okay to treat a woman that way? that self-respect is not important?

i can't teach my son to be a man, but i can damn sure show him how to be a good/responsible/loving HUMAN BEING. i don't need a second parent in the picture to do that.

also, if a child is adopted it is b/c they are desired and will be loved, cared/provided for, etc.
that is not always the case w/ unwanted, unexpected, and/or 2-parent children.

[redav]

My thoughts are I totally agree with all 3 of your reasonings. I think its unfair to think they only way you can have a healthy, stable family is within the confines of marriage. Single people are just as capable and deserving.
Except that social researchers have identified that children who grow up in a traditional family statistically do better in life (do better in school, less problems with crime, having stable relationships of their own, etc) than those who grow up with a single parent. In fact, one study compared the effects of not having a father and not having a mother on children's performance in school. It was found, surprisingly, that the absence of a father correlated more with lower performance than the absence of a mother.

Of course, this is not saying that any specific single parent is deficient, or that anyone who is raised by single parents won't turn out fine. It is absolutely imperative that children be raised by those who love them, and I agree it is better they are raised by a loving single parent than a disinterested/abusive couple. But I do feel that men & women are inherently different, and it is best for children to be raised in an environment that has both as positive role models. This is one reason it would be good to have more men go into teaching--kids would get more exposure to male role models.

[wordsmith]

I'd prefer to raise a child with a loving father figure. But that might not be in the cards, and I'm not going to forego having a child if it's not.

Children raised by single mothers are also not necessarily devoid of male role models.

[WorkInProgress]

I'd prefer to raise a child with a loving father figure. But that might not be in the cards, and I'm not going to forego having a child if it's not.

Children raised by single mothers are also not necessarily devoid of male role models.

Ditto that.

[meatwad]

I think that as long as a child has loving parent(s) that do right by them, then the child will turn out to be terrific. But I think it's kind of silly to think that, all else being equal, having a mother and a father together raising a child wouldn't be better for the child.

Obviously that's not always possible and a loving single parent, mother or father, can still raise a wonderful child. It's just harder work for the parent and offers some more limitations to the child.

[cheshrcarol]

Another adoption question:
My (male, of course,) friend was a little upset when I mentioned my adoption plans, saying that he thought it wouldn't be healthy for the kid to grow up without a father . . . this is all on the assumption that I'm still single in 10 yrs and adopt at that point. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I could *maybe* understand his argument if you were talking about being inseminated. But to not adopt a child just because you're not married? Yeah, they'd be much better off without a home or a family than in a one parent household :rolleyes: .

[EmberMae]

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I could *maybe* understand his argument if you were talking about being inseminated. But to not adopt a child just because you're not married? Yeah, they'd be much better off without a home or a family than in a one parent household :rolleyes: .
Yeah, co worker of mine, mid-30s, adopted a 4 y.o. girl this year. There isn't a big market for older children--the alternative was probably spending her childhood in the system. I think she's better off with a single mom. I can see how two parents is better than one, really, but I don't like it when this "a child needs a mother and a father" argument is used to discriminate against gays and single parents.