tell or dont tell girls about virginity??

[ccp24]

Im a guy in my mid twenties and I am still a virgin. This is not by choice. Even though I have gone out on some dates with a few girls, nothing has ever become serious. During college, there were a couple girls interested in dating me, but I was not interested in them. On one occasion a year ago, I hooked up with a random girl for a night. I would have lost my virginity but it was her special time of the month (I almost jumped out the 30th floor of the hotel, lol) so we settled for what we could (2nd/3rd base for you who really need to know). Anyway, thats about the extent of my sexual experience.

My question is this: If I do ever meet a girl, do I tell her about my inexperience? This has got to be such a huge turnoff for a girl. I couldn't imagine ever telling a girl this. I'm not weird or anything and when friends (both guys and girls) find out about this, they don't believe it. I think that if somehow I am dating someone they and somehow find out, I'll have to lie and saw it was by choice. Women, your thoughts?

[weary]

don't lie. why does it even have to come up?

if you get there, you get there.

even if it does come up, don't lie.

did i mention, don't lie?

[tina1979]

I have never been with a virgin (never had the option so its not like I turned anyone down)

I would think that your lack of experience in that particular dept. would show up eventually. I would think that its best to let someone know up front.

[meatwad]

don't lie. why does it even have to come up?

if you get there, you get there.

even if it does come up, don't lie.

did i mention, don't lie?

Don't lie, just lay?

[weary]

Don't lie, just lay?

yes, exactly. :D

[meatwad]

I would say if it's a one-night deal or a short fling, don't even bring it up. If it's a relationship and your taking your time with things, then you probably should bring it up beforehand. Then, if it's some kind of weird dealbreaker for her you can find that out before anything happens and if its not, she might be a little more 'helpful' with you when it does happen.

[WorkInProgress]

Agreed. Don't lie about it. However, it doesn't really need to be a topic of conversation except for under very specific circumstances.

[tina1979]

it doesn't really need to be a topic of conversation except for under very specific circumstances.
exactly

[meatwad]

Agreed. Don't lie about it. However, it doesn't really need to be a topic of conversation except for under very specific circumstances.

Shouldn't she know though at some point? And if you're going to tell her is it better to do it before or after?

[WorkInProgress]

Yeah, she should know. Personally, I think it's enough, in general, to say something like, "Hey before we do this, you should know that I've never done this before." Those would be some of the very specific circumstances I mentioned. I don't think it needs to be a conversation piece much before then, since he doesn't seem to be saving it for someone or sometime in particular. It certainly doesn't need to be a huge, big, stressful deal, IMO.

[Syracuse]

Girls I date always ask me if I'm a virgin. So if I was I'd have to lie. I guess I'm a virgin looking kind of guy. (I have had sex a few times).

[meatwad]

Yeah, she should know. Personally, I think it's enough, in general, to say something like, "Hey before we do this, you should know that I've never done this before." Those would be some of the very specific circumstances I mentioned. I don't think it needs to be a conversation piece much before then, since he doesn't seem to be saving it for someone or sometime in particular. It certainly doesn't need to be a huge, big, stressful deal, IMO.

The bigger deal you make it, the bigger deal it becomes?

[springhaze]

Yeah, some girls will ask so obviously don't lie. The first guy I slept with asked before things progressed too far, which I was actually grateful for since it gave me the opportunity to slow down or back out if things were going too fast.

[WorkInProgress]

The bigger deal you make it, the bigger deal it becomes?

Basically.

[redav]

Just a guess, but don't most women find such self-conciousness a turn-off? If you think this is a stressful big deal, and it somehow makes you feel that you are deficient, wouldn't women tend to agree with you and be less interested in you?

[Syracuse]

Just a guess, but don't most women find such self-conciousness a turn-off? If you think this is a stressful big deal, and it somehow makes you feel that you are deficient, wouldn't women tend to agree with you and be less interested in you?
If a girl doesn't like a guy to be sensitive, have fun with the assholes who aren't.

[wordsmith]

There's not always a reason to bring it up, per se, but if it does come up, don't hide it.

I don't personally think it's a big deal at all. The fact that I also was a virgin through a portion of my twenties may have something to do with this perspective, and the fact that I don't necessarily consider it odd or strange.

[mishl982]

Just to sum up, I agree with the others. If it doesn't get brought up, who cares, and if it does, don't lie. And it's only a big deal if you make it out to be a big deal.

I told the guy I lost it to about 5 months after it happened (it was a weird situation where we didn't see/talk to each other for a few months in between encounters). He didn't care, nor did he notice I was inexperienced.

[sparky88]

if i were dating someone i would want to know if they were a virgin. not because it would make a difference to me, but because I would just want to "know" so I could be more attentive/make it special/etc.

[Trillian42]

If I was dating a guy and he just randomly, say in the middle of dinner, said he was a virgin, I would be weirded out by that. It would make me feel like the only thing he was thinking about was having sex for the first time.

But if we were, say, in bed, on our way to homeplate, and he said "Just so you know I've never done this before" I'd think his honesty was really great and actually be greatful he hasn't been with a lot of girls, no pressure on me.

I would be okay with it, too, if he brought it up afterward. But if it's a lasting relationship, I personally would want to know.

[Trillian42]

Kind of a side note, but don't worry about "messing it up" your first time. I think you'll find you have an instinct and "know what to do". ;):

[WorkInProgress]

If I was dating a guy and he just randomly, say in the middle of dinner, said he was a virgin, I would be weirded out by that. It would make me feel like the only thing he was thinking about was having sex for the first time.

But if we were, say, in bed, on our way to homeplate, and he said "Just so you know I've never done this before" I'd think his honesty was really great and actually be greatful he hasn't been with a lot of girls, no pressure on me.

Exactly my point.

[Syracuse]

Kind of a side note, but don't worry about "messing it up" your first time. I think you'll find you have an instinct and "know what to do". ;):
Well a guy may not "mess it up" persay but he probably won't last too long or please the girl his first time, or first few.

[Trillian42]

Well a guy may not "mess it up" persay but he probably won't last too long or please the girl his first time, or first few.

Hey, man, you're not helping here. :rolleyes:

[and1grad]

Well a guy may not "mess it up" persay but he probably won't last too long or please the girl his first time, or first few.
Well its not like there's only one way to get the job done. ;)

[meatwad]

Hey, man, you're not helping here. :rolleyes:

He's got a point. Of course that's why condoms come more than one to a box. :D

[wordsmith]

Well its not like there's only one way to get the job done. ;)

Cosign.

[meatwad]

Cosign.

NO! Sex only. Anything else is a slight against God. Also, the lights must be off and we must do it through a hole in a sheet. And no noises, for they shall awake the lustful slumber of Lucifer himself! In addition, both parties must wear blindfolds so as not to see the torrid filthy deeds of which they do, you know, in case their eyes adjust to the dark and all.

[wordsmith]

Also, the lights must be off and we must do it through a hole in a sheet.

I didn't know you were Amish!

[meatwad]

I didn't know you were Amish!

I thought that was Jewish Orthodox. Either way, wanna raise my barn?

[wordsmith]

I thought that was Jewish Orthodox. Either way, wanna raise my barn?

I've churned butter once or twice.

[meatwad]

I've churned butter once or twice.

I'm a fan of a nice warm pie.

[workaholic?]

i don't think it's such a big deal. my boyfriend was 24 when we started dating, and the first time we had sex, we were both sort of drunk off our asses, so i didn't really know the difference...later that night (we amazingly managed to stumble into the shower together and then get back in bed and stayed awake talking most of the night) he told me that was his first time. it didn't bother me at all...made me slightly sad that his first time was drunk (as was mine in college), but he was happy about it and so was i.

i asked him once if the thought of my being the last person he ever has sex with scares him, he replied, "the first, last, and only, and it's not scary, it's perfect."

[Kitty]

You should tell her - she might offer to fly to your location AND pay you ;):

[wordsmith]

You should tell her - she might offer to fly to your location AND pay you ;):

Ah! RUDE! :p :D

[meatwad]

ARGGGGGGGH! Meat smash! Meat want sex! ARRRRGGGGGH!!!! :D

[and1grad]

ARGGGGGGGH! Meat smash! Meat want sex! ARRRRGGGGGH!!!! :D
Man that Ladysmith cd can pull em. That and a pack of Life Savers.

[meatwad]

Man that Ladysmith cd can pull em. That and a pack of Life Savers.

They just melt in your hands. The lifesavers that is. :(

[Valentine]

You should tell her - she might offer to fly to your location AND pay you ;):

Didn't there used to be a woman on QLC who was into deflowering guys that way? Maybe she could help out OP.

[starrynight]

i believe that was Suzanne Summers on QVC. LOL

[wanderer9]

i realise this won't be a popular answer but i wouldn't admit to being a virgin! i didn't admit to it when i lost mine and have no regrets. I think i would've felt embarassed and totally inferior. Maybe it was obvious, maybe it wasn't. If you've been most of the way and feel confident you could pull it off, go for it.
I'm just being honest. At the end of the day, its just down to what you feel comfortable doing.

[SunnyCee]

It's nice to hear that so many people don't think it's a big deal for a guy, but what about for a girl? I'm 22 and a virgin, and I feel kinda self conscious about that, like if I tell a guy he'll wonder why I've never done it before. But the situation just hasn't been right, and I'm ready to do it, but the longer it takes, the stranger it's going to be admiting it. Does a guy notice if a girl is still a virgin? It's a little bit different...

[wordsmith]

I didn't find it to be a problem.

[Kitty]

It's nice to hear that so many people don't think it's a big deal for a guy, but what about for a girl? I'm 22 and a virgin, and I feel kinda self conscious about that, like if I tell a guy he'll wonder why I've never done it before. But the situation just hasn't been right, and I'm ready to do it, but the longer it takes, the stranger it's going to be admiting it. Does a guy notice if a girl is still a virgin? It's a little bit different...

I highly doubt a guy would notice.

I have one friend who didn't lost her virginity until she was 24..and I know she didn't tell the guy she was with.

I think it's a personal decision whether you want to reveal that you are or not.

[wordsmith]

I highly doubt a guy would notice.

I have one friend who didn't lost her virginity until she was 24..and I know she didn't tell the guy she was with.

I think it's a personal decision whether you want to reveal that you are or not.

Yep. I was 25. I was upfront about it, but I was experienced enough that I probably wouldn't have needed to have been. But it was a personal preference not to conceal it from anybody I was seriously involved with.

[mishl982]

I didn't find it to be a problem.
I highly doubt a guy would notice.

I was 23 when I gave up my v card. It wasn't a big deal. I didn't tell him beforehand, he never asked, and when I 'fessed up later on he told me he couldn't tell it was my first time.

It's really not a big deal unless you make it one. And if the person you want to give it up to does make a big deal, s/he is not worth it.

[Krishna]

I was 23 when I gave up my v card. It wasn't a big deal.

I was 21. I told my boyfriend when we first started getting serious that I was a virgin, and he didn't make a big deal out of it. Of course, if you really want to freak someone out, tell them that you don't sleep with anyone unless you could see yourself being serious/marrying 'em. This is a particularily good source of freaking out if your SO has a bad case of comittmentphobia. My boyfriend shrugged that statement off originally, but later turned a pasty shade of ghostly while when he remembered that comment. I enjoyed it immensely. :evil:

[Kitty]

I was 16 and I made the mistake of telling the dude..who then became very obsessed with that fact. That should have been a major red flag, but I was young and dumb.

[nsb3000]

I think non-virgins tend to forget how it feels to be a virgin. I remember being afraid and self-conscious and worried that I would be "found out"; and than it happened, and I realized that no one really cares.

So my advice is:

1) Tell him or her before hand, but as others have said, only in the appropriate context--you don't want to come across as being presumptuous.

2) Remember that Sex, like anything else, takes practice. If it doesn't seem that amazing the first time, or the first couple of times, don't worry--it will get better.

I have never had the opportunity to sleep with a virgin, but if I did, I wouldn't be turned off by it. If anything, I'd be excited by the opportunity to share such an intimate moment with someone, and watch them as they experienced sex with another person for the first time.

[GreenwithEnvy]

well...coming from a 22 year old female who is also a virgin (also not by choice, simply lack of opportunity), I actually find it a TURN ON to meet a guy my age (or even older) who actually HASN'T slept with anyone yet.

I see it as a sign that you don't take important or meaningful things lightly and you aren't just going to have sex because everyone else is or just because 'she was so hot' or whatever.

And in my own humble opinion, I think any girl who wouldn't date you or sleep with you simply because you are a virgin isn't worth your time anyway.

[Mr. Bubble]

Hey man, I can relate to your plight, I had my first time rather late in life (somewhat younger than you are right now, but don't get hung up on that fact, I'm not trying to give the "wow-youre-that-old-and-still-a-virgin" message).

Anyway, the way I see it, you have a couple options.

1) You can always seek to hook up with someone who you're not *that* interested in yet, just to "do it" so in the future you're not a virgin. So long as you're not dishonest in this venture (i.e. saying "I love you, I want to be with you forever, etc.) and so long as you use protection, I don't see anything wrong with it.

2) You can date a girl and develop a certain amount of "critical mass" of common interests and affection for each other before you seek to have sex with her. Then, when that comes, admit that you haven't done it before. Maybe she'll be fine with it. maybe she'll be excited about that fact. Maybe she will be weirded out by it, but hopefully she'll consider the amount of time and affection she has invested in you go ahead with you in entering this new phase of your relationship.

Of course, if you do 1, you can go do 2, and not have to mention anything about your prior sex life.

In my case..I met a girl online who ended up chatting with quite a bit...and then we kinda got to talking dirty on IM. We went on a first date, and that was my first time. I admitted it to her, and she was okay with it. I'll be honest, she wasn't really that attractive. But I did truly enjoy spending time with her, and I figured might-as-well-jump-at-the-opportunity. In the end though..I had to be honest with myself and end the relationship, I just didnt want her in that way. It was unfortunate, because maybe I lost what could have been a good friendship by taking the relationship into the sexual realm. But on the other hand, I got to go forward in my life without that "I'm a virgin" deal hanging over my head.

In the end, no one knows you as well as you do. You gotta do what you feel comfortable with. Hopefully my answer sheds a little bit of light on your dilemma. Good luck!

[shimma]

Don't lie. It looks good that you've got the V card because she knows you have no STDs.

Cosign GreenwithEnvy

[wordsmith]

In my case..I met a girl online who ended up chatting with quite a bit...and then we kinda got to talking dirty on IM. We went on a first date, and that was my first time. I admitted it to her, and she was okay with it. I'll be honest, she wasn't really that attractive. But I did truly enjoy spending time with her, and I figured might-as-well-jump-at-the-opportunity. In the end though..I had to be honest with myself and end the relationship, I just didnt want her in that way. It was unfortunate, because maybe I lost what could have been a good friendship by taking the relationship into the sexual realm. But on the other hand, I got to go forward in my life without that "I'm a virgin" deal hanging over my head.

This makes me intensely sad.

[Krishna]

This makes me intensely sad.

Me too....why short change yourself (and her) by giving it up for the first time to someone you didn't even find attractive, Mr. Bubble?

[steve sperd]

Me too....why short change yourself (and her) by giving it up for the first time to someone you didn't even find attractive, Mr. Bubble?
I'll admit I've only had sex once, well twice with the same girl. And she was not someone I would want to have a relationship with. I'm glad I got rid of my V card though, it was like a monkey on my back. I may never get to do it again but I think to die a virgin would be even sadder.

[Krishna]

I don't know...I guess I just think that sleeping with someone "just to get it over with" is a crock. I'd rather sleep with someone and have it mean something more than "oh good, now the monkey is off my back." No offense intended.

[wordsmith]

I agree, but I also attach more to sexual involvement than "rite of passage," or "benchmark to be passed" or "punch in my card," "monkey off my back," or whatever. A more stereotypically female way of looking at the situation, sure, but true nonetheless. I definitely didn't romanticize my virginity, but I also didn't look at it as something to be shed for shedding's sake. Sexuality is a lot more complex, to me.

[Krishna]

I agree, but I also attach more to sexual involvement than "rite of passage," or "benchmark to be passed" or "punch in my card," "monkey off my back," or whatever. A more stereotypically female way of looking at the situation, sure, but true nonetheless. I definitely didn't romanticize my virginity, but I also didn't look at it as something to be shed for shedding's sake. Sexuality is a lot more complex, to me.


Once again, Words comes to my rescue and puts it down on paper properly. Ditto to what you said.

[wordsmith]

Also, I don't think it's necessarily wrong to consider virginity as something to get rid of as soon as you possibly can, or to look at it in a more detached, utilitarian, "Okay, got that out of the way," manner. Different strokes for different folks, y'know. And, ideally, if that's your mindset/way of looking at it, the person you're bumping uglies with a. knows that and b. is of a similar attitude regarding the issue/and or at least identifies with you.

However, I'm envisioning a hypothetical situation where you've got one person who's cashing in the v-card for the sake of cashing it in, no real attraction or other reason, and one person who isn't aware that that's the situation. It seems like it maybe wouldn't be that farfetched. It also seems like it would be pretty shitty to be the person who might actually be acting on some emotional connection, but is unwittingly acting as nothing but the conductor operating the ticket punch on the train to Sexual Experience Junction.

[wordsmith]

What doesn't help is that I strongly suspect I may have that conductor's uniform packed somewhere in my baggage, yo.

[wordsmith]

Don't worry...it's a sexy uniform. Obviously. :neutral:

[meatwad]

What an image that conjures up!

And I agree with you. Shocker.

Getting the Shocker doesn't count as losing your virginity.

[meatwad]

Says who?

Uh, God? Duh!

[Mr. Bubble]

This makes me intensely sad.

Me too....why short change yourself (and her) by giving it up for the first time to someone you didn't even find attractive, Mr. Bubble?

I didn't find her completely unattractive. But beyond that, I don't think you are considering how carrying the "v-card" late(r) into life is different for women and for men. For women, there is no societal stigma for remaining a virgin. Indeed, it is seen as virtuous by many, and on a very primal base-sexual level, many men are attracted to a virgin woman. Of course, a woman remaining a virgin later in life may feel she is missing out on one of life's grandest experiences, and may question her attractiveness. That, however, is the sum total for women.

For men, not only is there a feeling of "missing out" and a feeling of unattractiveness, but there is an even greater fear of being "found out" as a virgin, since, by many in our society, the man is expected to take the more active role in seeking out the woman, not to mention the more active role in sex. Certainly, many women (indeed likely far more than those willing to admit it), would view a man who was still a virgin (other than due to a conscious decision to abstain) in his early twenties as less sexually desirable than one who wasn't. This is a view itself internalized by many virgin men, damaging their self-esteem and leading to a vicious cycle of "Its-so-pathetic-i'm-a-virgin-who-would-ever-want-me" that they indeed become less motivated and less attractive. A self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don't know...I guess I just think that sleeping with someone "just to get it over with" is a crock. I'd rather sleep with someone and have it mean something more than "oh good, now the monkey is off my back." No offense intended.

That's a false dichotomy Krishna. The choice isnt between meaningful-sex and sex-to-lose-ones-v-card. Most men, like women, would truly choose the former. The choice is between having sex and foregoing the experience. For reasons stated above, a "v-card" is psychologically much more of a burden and much less of a virtue for our society's men than for our society's women.
So yes, meaningful-sex is better than wanna-lose-my-v-card-sex. But both are better than not having sex at all.

That said, losing-my-virginity sex IS, by its nature, pretty meaningful. It mean that I did find one woman who found me sexually attractive enough to want to have sex with me. That never happened before. Pretty meaningful if you ask me.

Also, I don't think it's necessarily wrong to consider virginity as something to get rid of as soon as you possibly can, or to look at it in a more detached, utilitarian, "Okay, got that out of the way," manner. Different strokes for different folks, y'know. And, ideally, if that's your mindset/way of looking at it, the person you're bumping uglies with a. knows that and b. is of a similar attitude regarding the issue/and or at least identifies with you.

However, I'm envisioning a hypothetical situation where you've got one person who's cashing in the v-card for the sake of cashing it in, no real attraction or other reason, and one person who isn't aware that that's the situation. It seems like it maybe wouldn't be that farfetched. It also seems like it would be pretty shitty to be the person who might actually be acting on some emotional connection, but is unwittingly acting as nothing but the conductor operating the ticket punch on the train to Sexual Experience Junction.

In my case, my lady friend knew, had a compatible attitude, and identified with me.

Methinks your hypothetical situation is pretty rare. IMO, a guy who was a later-in-life-virgin probably doesnt have the self-confidence, charisma, and experience re: intercourse to seduce an unwitting woman of her feet and into bed with him for his first time without her having any idea it's his first. I know I sure didn't.

[arrow]

Methinks your hypothetical situation is pretty rare. IMO, a guy who was a later-in-life-virgin probably doesnt have the self-confidence, charisma, and experience re: intercourse to seduce an unwitting woman of her feet and into bed with him for his first time without her having any idea it's his first. I know I sure didn't.


Why would he even want to seduce an unwitting someone? Why not just be honest and say hey it's not a big deal. Plenty of women can handle it. Like a poster mentioned earlier... no sex, less chance of vd's.

[Krishna]

In the end this is all going to come down to a difference of opinion and position on things...but let me at least respond to your statements.

For women, there is no societal stigma for remaining a virgin. Indeed, it is seen as virtuous by many, and on a very primal base-sexual level, many men are attracted to a virgin woman. Of course, a woman remaining a virgin later in life may feel she is missing out on one of life's grandest experiences, and may question her attractiveness. That, however, is the sum total for women.

For men, not only is there a feeling of "missing out" and a feeling of unattractiveness, but there is an even greater fear of being "found out" as a virgin, since, by many in our society, the man is expected to take the more active role in seeking out the woman, not to mention the more active role in sex. Certainly, many women (indeed likely far more than those willing to admit it), would view a man who was still a virgin (other than due to a conscious decision to abstain) in his early twenties as less sexually desirable than one who wasn't. This is a view itself internalized by many virgin men, damaging their self-esteem and leading to a vicious cycle of "Its-so-pathetic-i'm-a-virgin-who-would-ever-want-me" that they indeed become less motivated and less attractive. A self-fulfilling prophecy.

This reminded me of how idiodic society is. Many men want women to put out for them, but no one wants to date what they consider a "slut." Why do you assume that being a virgin is an attractive trait in a woman, but not in a man? I think if we took a poll around here, many women wouldn't give two hoots if a guy had had sex before. 1) There is something to be said for being someone's first sexual experience, because you can show them exactly what to do and how to do it. 2) Personally speaking, I am incredibly attracted to men who have delayed their first sexual experience. It shows that they don't cave in to societal 'norms' and also, they aren't likely to be carrying any STDS. I think it's a shame that any man would feel like it's damaging to their self-esteem to be a virgin.


That's a false dichotomy Krishna. The choice isnt between meaningful-sex and sex-to-lose-ones-v-card. Most men, like women, would truly choose the former. The choice is between having sex and foregoing the experience. For reasons stated above, a "v-card" is psychologically much more of a burden and much less of a virtue for our society's men than for our society's women.
So yes, meaningful-sex is better than wanna-lose-my-v-card-sex. But both are better than not having sex at all.

*snorts*. It's a burden for men and not for women? This doesn't need to be a burden for anyone. If you could see me, you'd see that my head has now made a dent in my wall from all the headbanging this is making me do.



IMO, a guy who was a later-in-life-virgin probably doesnt have the self-confidence, charisma, and experience re: intercourse to seduce an unwitting woman of her feet and into bed with him for his first time without her having any idea it's his first. I know I sure didn't.

*sigh*

[steve sperd]

It's more a thing where we feel pressured to lose our virginity by our guy friends. I remember as far back as middle school there was talk about having sex and what guys were banging who. I couldn't just fake it and say I was having sex because I didn't even know what sex meant then. So it was well known that I was a virgin all through high school, and slowly I learned how to talk like I had a lot of sex by college, but that doesn't work when friends see you never having a girl friend. Later I became smart enough to realize that I shouldn't want to be friends with guys who look down on me for being a virgin and not knowing how to seduce a girl. But still it led to a lot of self esteem issues for me, which only compounded problems with me.

And guys may say they don't want to date a slut but I'm sure they'd sleep with them if she got in their face and asked for it. Not so for a guy who goes up to a girl and asks for it, obviously.

I'm not saying any of this is logical or fair, it's just the truth.

[and1grad]

I think it's a shame that any man would feel like it's damaging to their self-esteem to be a virgin.
You might think that but good luck finding a man who doesnt feel that way if he's been a virgin for a substantial period of time...unless he's part of a church or something.

[wordsmith]

As noted by another poster, much of this falls into the grey area of matters of opinion and individual experiences that differ...still, good points for conversation:

For women, there is no societal stigma for remaining a virgin.

This is not exactly true. People assume ALL KINDS of things about people who aren't sexually experienced, and this is true of women just as it's true of men. I wasn't sexually active until slightly later in life than is the norm, and I got dumped more than once , at least once because the (incorrect) assumption was that if I was a virgin, that automatically meant that the guy wasn't "getting anywhere" with me, or that I was anti-sexuality, or had some type of issue with sexuality, when in reality, it was really purely a matter of chance/opportunity/timing.

Women may not feel the same pressure or get ribbed as consistently from their friends as guys do regarding their sex lives, but that really doesn't mean that women don't feel societal stigma due to sexual inexperience. We don't get the same types of ragging tossed our way, but it's assumed we're prudes, uptight, ultra-religious, have emotional baggage regarding sex, are repressed, spinsters, old maids. There is assuredly social stigma, let's not kid ourselves.

Of course, a woman remaining a virgin later in life may feel she is missing out on one of life's grandest experiences, and may question her attractiveness.

Of course, just as it is for ANYBODY who has lived a long time with sexual inexperience. Women and men tend to feel the same about this...why hasn't it happened for me, doesn't anybody want me, blah blah. The uncertainties and insecurities that can come with that are not the sole property of either gender. Why would women worry that they're "missing out" any less than men would? It seems to subtly suggest that women aren't just as interested in sex as men are, so it's not such a big deal to them if they're not getting any and that's an awfully broad and flawed concept.

Certainly, many women (indeed likely far more than those willing to admit it), would view a man who was still a virgin (other than due to a conscious decision to abstain) in his early twenties as less sexually desirable than one who wasn't.

As illustrated, earlier, as a woman, I also dated guys who were turned off by my lack of experience, when it came up.

So yes, meaningful-sex is better than wanna-lose-my-v-card-sex. But both are better than not having sex at all.

This is purely a matter of opinion.

That said, losing-my-virginity sex IS, by its nature, pretty meaningful.

I doubt I'm alone in that I found it highly overrated and not living nearly up to the hype. There's a shitload of mythology surrounding virginity loss, and (this is likely far more true for women then it is for men, mainly due to the fact that our sexual response/gratification is a lot more mechanically complex then men's) for a lot of women, that first time is plenty "meh." The more and more built up it gets, the more likely it is to not match up to the expectation, too.

In my case, my lady friend knew, had a compatible attitude, and identified with me.

Well, that's good.

Methinks your hypothetical situation is pretty rare.

I'm not really so sure.

IMO, a guy who was a later-in-life-virgin probably doesnt have the self-confidence, charisma, and experience re: intercourse to seduce an unwitting woman of her feet and into bed with him for his first time without her having any idea it's his first. I know I sure didn't.

That's not really what I'm talking about...It's immaterial to me whether or not the woman in question knows that it's a first time. The point I was trying to make is that one party may be viewing it as just a means to an end (getting rid of the v-card), and the other may be viewing it within a more emotional context. I don't think it's exceptionally uncommon that people's emotional basis for having sex are distinctly different, and that's always going to wind up hurting somebody, if you're not in it for the same reasons. I wasn't saying that's the case in the situation you described, just that that type of situation where it is the case makes it pretty lousy for at least one party.

It's more a thing where we feel pressured to lose our virginity by our guy friends.

You might think that but good luck finding a man who doesnt feel that way if he's been a virgin for a substantial period of time...unless he's part of a church or something.

The friends dogging you thing is WAY more a guy than a girl thing, I'd never dispute that. But that still doesn't mean that girls don't also feel the pressure...which also comes from guys. I think you underestimate that.

[Wonder Woman]

Tell her after, so she doesn't think you are just bad. The reality is your lack of experience will show up and better for her to know why than to think the wrong thing. There tends to be alot of lack of communication when it comes to sex, especially on the guy's end, so we often guess and we could guess wrong. She probably would not guess that you were a virgin.

[and1grad]

There tends to be alot of lack of communication when it comes to sex, especially on the guy's end, so we often guess and we could guess wrong.
Is it really more on the guy's end?

[wordsmith]

Depends, IMO.

Women as a whole are way more likely to be open to talking about the emotional aspects of sexuality, whereas men are more likely to be retiscent to do so, and men often have less of a problem communicating about the physical end of sexuality than many women do.