Refuse a gift?

[AshleyJordan]

So, I'm curious to know what your thoughts are on this. I know I can be a little stubborn, so:

Around November I had a big fight with my mom and stepfather (they've been married for 20 years now, he likes to consider himself my father,) regarding their treatment of my (mentally ill, dabbling in hard drugs,) sister. I was urging them to check her into rehab, and they quibbled over the price-- ultimately he called me a bitch more than once, and a lesbian (which I'm not, and which shouldn't even be an insult, but that was his intention,) and worse. I've not been too happy with him since, keep conversation to a polite minimum, and my mother just wants me to "get over it," saying this is how families are. I say it's unhealthy. Anyhoo, he's making a big deal over how he wants to send me a V-day gift, to the office (it's difficult for me to get packages at home,) and I'm stalling.

I really feel that I cannot, in good conscience, accept a gift from someone who's treated me this way and who feels this way about me. I think it's about time I said that, too.

Thoughts?

[winneythepooh7]

You need to do what is right for you. If you don't want his gift, then do not accept it. I am sorry your family is going through such rough times. I've worked with families like you describe yours to be and it is definitely not easy for them, as well as the siblings of the "identified patient".

[wordsmith]

I wouldn't talk to him/accept anything, but I am also in the incredibly stubborn camp.

[Syracuse]

I'm in the same situation with my mom. Said some things to me that I just don't feel I should ignore and forgive her for, unless she apologizes. My family thinks I should just pretend it never happened. She went nuts on my sister too over the same thing and for a while they weren't talking, and now I guess my sister is talking to her again and they are just pretending the screaming match never happened. I'm sick of this, I don't care if it's my mom. For anyone if you treat me like shit don't expect me to just ignore it and pretend it never happened.

Of course maybe this valentine gift is his way of apologizing. Maybe it will have a note saying sorry? I don't know the situation.

[Valentine]

Pull his card. Email him and say something like, "I am confused as to why you'd send me a Valentine's day gift when you've been such a cold person to me these last few months - among other hurtful things, you called me a bitch and accused me of being a lesbian. I really feel that I cannot, in good conscience, accept a gift from someone who's treated me this way and who feels this way about me. If you are sorry for how you treated me, then you need to apologize, some material item is not a viable substitute."

[AshleyJordan]

Thanks guys for your kind thoughts and sensitive answers! The bitch and lesbian comments were only a sampling, he said a lot of things that were much worse, which can't really be forgiven because of the stress of the situation. I think I'll find a way to politely decline because I'd really be angry at myself for just glossing over this. . .

[WorkInProgress]

Well, if you don't want to accept it, don't. You really can minimize all contact with him. If you're willing to get over this at some point (which sounds like it isn't the case at this point in time), you might let him know that at the very least, he needs to apologize to you for saying those hurtful things. It shouldn't "just go away," IMO.

[AshleyJordan]

If you're willing to get over this at some point (which sounds like it isn't the case at this point in time), you might let him know that at the very least, he needs to apologize to you for saying those hurtful things. It shouldn't "just go away," IMO.

right. . . that's really my larger point here, I guess. My mom's whole thing is, "get over it, families talk that way, we're a family, you get over it and we're all happy again." I feel differently- that such things should at least be acknowledged and that glossing over them is unhealthy.

[Syracuse]

As slightly related I believe I'll know I've found my SO when I meet a girl who I can talk to about things, who doesn't want to just ignore problems and gloss them over, and pretend they don't exist. I've yet to meet that girl.

[WorkInProgress]

right. . . that's really my larger point here, I guess. My mom's whole thing is, "get over it, families talk that way, we're a family, you get over it and we're all happy again." I feel differently- that such things should at least be acknowledged and that glossing over them is unhealthy.

Some people feel that way, but others don't, and your need to have the wrong acknowledged and apologized for isn't wrong itself. Your mother is mistaken. Various family members have apologized to me for much less than what it sounds like happened in your circumstance.

Sometimes it's easier to just let stuff go, but this doesn't sound like one of those things. Name calling is out of line.