Should I really be feeling that I've already destroyed my life at 23?

[budojew]

Hi,

I'm new to this board but not to the feelings that I'm, apparently not the only one, feeling. It might help you guys understand what I mean by tellign my story.

All of my life I wanted to be a scientist....ALL OF IT. And I mean from the first time I ever learned about science, well before schooling officially started...probably from age 4 or earlier. IT was always my favorite subject in grade school, etc etc. So obviously when I got to thinking about college for the first time, the only fields I even considered were those in the natural sciences (biology, physics, chemistry). Eventually due to very good experiences in HS I picked chem....here is where the problem comes in. In college, I quickly discovered (mainly because I AP'd out of the initial intro course and right into the Honors Organic CHem) that I wasn't as sure about chemistry as I had initially thought....I wasn't failing but neither was i interested i the course. In fact, looking back I was downright Apathetic (a good sign I should've looked elsewhere for a major) But I stuck it out not sure of where or what else I could do. Besides I was interested in the next section of my chemical education so I thought about waiting to see if my interest was sparked.

Now comes the interesting part...as part of my Chem requirement it was necessary for me to take a basic Computer Science Course. This was something I had never seen before (never even considered). It was interesting, fun, and I enjoyed what I learned...and was more than decent at it. So, I decided to pick CS up as a minor area of study. One might ask here, why didn't I completely switch my major to that CS and here I will answer with one word....Fear. I was afraid that if I wasn't sure about Chem, then I couldn't be sure that I wanted to be in CS. Besides I knew next to nothing about the field and wanted to try to see if it was right for me....I didnt want to make another mistake. So I took the first intro course and enjoyed it...took one of the math reqs, and enjoyed that as well....and then couldnt take another course for 1.5 years because of interference with chem...which i was fine with because I was doing well in the course i had at the time (the one i had stayed for). But after a little while I began to realize that I wasn't enjoying myself (don't get me wrong..its not that I should've been having fun, but I should've felt interest for what I was studying or at least felt the desire to be there was stronger than the apathy I was feeling). It was at this time the epiphany hit, I did NOT belong in chemistry. This was the ned of junior year. Come senior, I now have a part time job, am living off campus with friends, and still feeling apathetic about chem. Not a good combo for keeping my nose in the books....my grades began to slip a little. Come next semester I needed a second job, and am now working 40+ a week, full course load as a science major/minor with 3 labs and 1 nonlab course. My grades began to slip ALOT. I eneded up droping a lab course and getting a very low grade in another. I have since stayed 1 extra year part time to retake both these courses and finish the CS minor.


Now we come to my current situation. I am about to graduate with a decent overall GPA and ok in-major GPA. I have done no research due to the time constraints put on me by my situation last year. I do not wwish to have anything to do with Chem (at least not as my main course of study/work) after this. However my interest in CS has not only been maintained but has grown far stronger. I already plan to take non-matriculated courses at a local University this summer and over the next couple semesters in order to get the prereqs for entry into a CS grad school ( i already know what field I would want to work in...possibly even attempt a PhD in). I know its been done before, But I would like feed back. I have done no research in either area of study...and I know that it is almost requisite....is it possible for me to get research experience as a non-matriculated student? Should i even attempt this plan? Like i said the only reason i didnt switch initially was fear and I don't want to regret my life so I need to at least try but does it seem feasible? Please give me some feedback and let me know if I'm crazy for going. I know if I go I could attempt a 2nd bachelor's but I dont want to seem like a career student nor can i really afford the cost of 2 more years of undergrad.

ANY advice would be appreciated...and sorry for the long post.

[cameralady]

is it possible for me to get research experience as a non-matriculated student?

There are some faculty in the department where I work (mind you, in a social sciences field) who would welcome a research assistant if they know you are serious, and you intend on matriculating there. I can't speak for the faculty where you would want to take courses as a nondegree student however.

[Syracuse]

First keep in mind that CS jobs are hard to come by these days.

Also I had the same problems as you. Started as a computer engineering major, realized I hated it, got poor grades. Went to a community college for a few years. Wasn't sure what in the hell I wanted to major in. Transferred finally to another college and got a BS in Mechanical Engineering. Couldn't find a job. Finally a year later I got a job as a Civil Engineer, for a state govt. So I've kind of been all over the place in terms of sciences and engineering. I say just concentrate on getting a degree if you're not sure. Before you try to go for CS think long and hard though.

[politicaljunkie]

Classes don't mean anything. Don't base a degree off of classes (especially based off of how much you "like" a class). The work world is nothing like school, and what you do in a class has no predictive value regarding how much you will like or hate the work in an actual job.

Plus the CS job market sucks. The chemistry job market just about doesn't exist. And competition for professor jobs (the only thing you can do with a PhD) is so brutal that only the luckiest, who graduate from the most elite schools, can find a half way decent professor job (or any professor job at all).

I would look to another area (outside of the brutal science and technology area) to get your masters.

[caostotale]

The work world is nothing like school

The chemistry job market just about doesn't exist.


I found the opposite regarding chemistry. I went to work at a chemistry firm, and the way things operate there are just like the damned classrooms I remember from college chemistry. There is general hopelessness, negativity, and an insane amount of cowtowing to the authority figures (like the teachers in college). Workers in that field will defeatedly accept $10/hour for their insanely difficult chemistry degrees because the rigor of the workload in college never allowed them to do as much with career-building or developing strong personalities. I don't remember anyone liking their job at that place, because most of them sensed that they had made a big mistake in pigeonholing themselves into whatever field they worked their tail off for.

[budojew]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Unfortunately, I cannot and will not be able to go for a matriculated school as I am finishing up my degree currently and will absolutely be unable to afford a second bachelor's degree. Besides to do so would make me look like a career student and unfortunately nobody hires career students. Hence going for nonmatriculated courses are my only option. Thus I go back to my original concern of whether or not a professor will even consider a nonmatriculated student as an assistant (and when I say this i mean volunteer style, with no sort of compensation other than the experience which is all i want).

To continue, I can't go forward for a degree in a field other than science...not because I'm too pigheaded or stubborn (though that might be a partial cause) but because I already tried to leave science for something else and the fact is ALL i ever wanted to do was be a scientist and when I left, all I thought about was how unhappy I was/am about not going forward in some scientific capacity. Just because chemistry isn't right for me does not mean I should leave the entire field behind.

And finally, I just don't want to be one of those people described in the above post. I want to enjoy my job and at least like what I do. I wouldn't in chemistry because with just a general chem degree all I will do (even with a specific chem degree) is exactly what I did in labs, titration, GCMS, NMR, spectroscopy....etc. That stuff kills me. I can do it, but I hate it.

BOTTOM LINE: I don't care if the job market is shitty...I don't care if my options become more limited with a higher degree....I care about making myself not miserable and happy with where I am in life...and unfortunately for me it requires getting a higher degree in something I enjoy doing. But whether that is a possibility or not is what I need to know.


I just want to feel like I haven't fucked my entire life and that somehow I'll be able to become one of those happy successful people who are confident in themselves and know what they're doing in life.

I don't know why I just told the entire web my life problems, when I can't tell my friends or family...but oh well, anonymity is probably the key.

EDIT: PS Not basing my degree on doing things I liked was the cause of my entire problem. ALl of my friends of who did (whether it was science, music, history) are all off doing things they like doing whehter its grad school, or jobs they love.....forcing myself to do chemistry because of practical reasons was the worst decision of my entire life so far. I just wanna know if I have the ability to fix my mistake.

[arrow]

You know the infamous/famous writer Barbara Ehrenriech has a PhD in chemistry that she doesn't use. Just sayin'

[dacrunkest]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Unfortunately, I cannot and will not be able to go for a matriculated school as I am finishing up my degree currently and will absolutely be unable to afford a second bachelor's degree. Besides to do so would make me look like a career student and unfortunately nobody hires career students. Hence going for nonmatriculated courses are my only option. Thus I go back to my original concern of whether or not a professor will even consider a nonmatriculated student as an assistant (and when I say this i mean volunteer style, with no sort of compensation other than the experience which is all i want).

To continue, I can't go forward for a degree in a field other than science...not because I'm too pigheaded or stubborn (though that might be a partial cause) but because I already tried to leave science for something else and the fact is ALL i ever wanted to do was be a scientist and when I left, all I thought about was how unhappy I was/am about not going forward in some scientific capacity. Just because chemistry isn't right for me does not mean I should leave the entire field behind.

And finally, I just don't want to be one of those people described in the above post. I want to enjoy my job and at least like what I do. I wouldn't in chemistry because with just a general chem degree all I will do (even with a specific chem degree) is exactly what I did in labs, titration, GCMS, NMR, spectroscopy....etc. That stuff kills me. I can do it, but I hate it.

BOTTOM LINE: I don't care if the job market is shitty...I don't care if my options become more limited with a higher degree....I care about making myself not miserable and happy with where I am in life...and unfortunately for me it requires getting a higher degree in something I enjoy doing. But whether that is a possibility or not is what I need to know.


I just want to feel like I haven't fucked my entire life and that somehow I'll be able to become one of those happy successful people who are confident in themselves and know what they're doing in life.

I don't know why I just told the entire web my life problems, when I can't tell my friends or family...but oh well, anonymity is probably the key.

EDIT: PS Not basing my degree on doing things I liked was the cause of my entire problem. ALl of my friends of who did (whether it was science, music, history) are all off doing things they like doing whehter its grad school, or jobs they love.....forcing myself to do chemistry because of practical reasons was the worst decision of my entire life so far. I just wanna know if I have the ability to fix my mistake.

Dude, you are 23. You have a college degree. You seem like a smart person. You have a lot going for you. And career students get hired all the time. My uncle didn't finish college until he was 31, and he is a successful, confident person. There are many more out there who go even longer...

It's not all about the destination...it's about the ride. I took a little longer to finish my degree (24 when I graduated), but I wouldn't change a thing about it.

P.S. I learned a long time ago to never let somebody tell you that you are not succesful, or that you should somehow be ashamed of doing something other than what's traditional.