Relationships!!!!!!!

[farrah]

How come everyone I know at my age (25) is breaking off their serious relationships??? I just broke up with my boyfriend and it was the hardest decision I have ever made. I thought I was going to marry him! Relationships are so hard!!!!!!! :confused:

[princsstrish]

I know what you mean. My bf and I just broke up, we are both 25. He says he needs to "experience" things before he gets serious. I think it all has to do with the QLC and the fact that we all feel we are getting older and want to take control and do things we want to do while we still can. Guys have a more difficult time doing that with women in the picture. It's the same reason why people get divorced during a mid life crisis. I got divorced too but my husband was 29 and he is the one who wanted it. It's the whole, go out and see the world, don't make a mistake thing. It's scary and commitment is hard to accept if you feel smothered. Hopefully my bf will go through this phase and come back to me, but for now, I am living my life for myself...working full time and part time, volunteering, doing ALOT of thinking.

[crazywillie]

It is so HARD! At 22 I was very serious about someone, it didn't work, and for the last 2 years I have been single, until recently, and even though the girl I am currently dating abolutely ROCKS I told her this weekend that I still have things to get out of my system. For me it stems from seeing so many friends getting married too early and getting divorces, and seeing friends' parents splitting up, so for me I want to date as many girls as possible before I start settling. I never want to get serious with someone and feel like there is more out there for me to experience, unfortunately I might be risking a great relationship for that, but that is the way it goes.

Most normal guys get around 25 and start freaking out about relationships, and i am one of them.

[farrah]

Wow I admire you! Finally a guy that can be honest about stuff like this. Go for it and be happy!:D

[Shannon]

I know how everyone feels regarding problems in relationships. I have been dating this guy for a year and 6 months now and it is so diffiuclt. He has no job and I have a job that is 100% commission and am doing terrible. I am considering other options but having trouble finding a job in this economy. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 25. At times I think he is the one and at other times I feel like I am so confused and off track in terms of my future that I can't possibly think of him in it. plus he wants me to move to chicago with him and I love denver and it is so difficult for me to make such a change. change is so hard for me as it is and then when our relationship is on the rocks it makes it even harder. sometimes I think, if only this or that....but when reality hits I think would it really make a difference. I just get so confused.
shannon

[farrah]

Shannon, just remember not to compromise your needs or wants. If he is the "one" then no matter what you decide it will work out. I did that. I stayed in my home town for an extra year for my ex and I ended up resenting him and the relationship b/c of that. And he didn't even ask me to stay b/c he knew I wouldn't be happy if I stayed. So take it from me, right now is the time to do what is best for you and your needs! Good luck.

[Phoenix]

I agree with Farrah, Shannon. If your relationship is on the rocks at times, I would think twice about moving to Chicago with/for him. Ask yourself how you'd feel about living in Chicago if you two weren't together anymore...whether you would want to be there or not. With the other stresses upon you (looking for jobs, adjusting to a new city, etc), it may have an effect on your relationship as well.

[Shannon]

Thanks for your advice. That makes a lot of sense. I just need the courage to let him know how I feel. I am not planning on moving there until I get a job and right now it doesn't look good. I will keep you posted.

[truby2000]

I'm 22 and I wouldn't say that I really in my QLC, because I'm still in college, with probably a year to go, and actually I've decided I'm gonna try and ride out this college thing for as long as I can, because my part time job is pretty lucrative.:D
But anyhow, I was dating a girl 4 years younger than me and thought she was the one, and the there was a point in our relationship that triggered the start of something in me, call it my pre-QLC. She went to Germany in the summer and got her tounge pierced, against my wishes, and I guess it was because of the age difference that made me get really pissed at her instead of thinking "Oh that's cool" So then when she moved away for her freshman year in college, we stayed together for a few weeks, being 300 miles apart, I visited her at school once for our anniversary. A few weeks after that, she broke up with me and that sent me into a tail spin. That's when I realized I was proably entering my QLC. I couldn't handle the break up and went into depression, plus the female woes of my roommates didn't help me either, and trying to still talk to my ex and salvage what I thought I had with her, I ended up having an emotional breakdown and went to a psychologist. That was probably the best thing I could have done! I had known about the QLC book, because I worked in a book store over holiday breaks from college. I ended up finally buying the book, and pick it up all the time to read that I'm not the only one going thru any of this, not just relationships, but LIFE in general. :cool:

[Antonina]

I have been reading all your msgs in awe. I am almost 26 and, for the first time in my life, have a boy whom I think the world of. I am completely in awe of the difference in "dating" histories you guys and I have had. Having spent most of my life as a singleton, I feel so out of it when you write of your devastation and the "what to do's" at the tender age of 25. Don't get me wrong, I sympathise that it must not be easy to lose someone you once loved and adored. But for what it is worth, I'd like to say that you are oh, so young at 25. It is not the end of the world if you should find that your childhood love was not to last forever! You have so much growing to do, and you will meet so many more wonderful people yet! Obviously the perfect person for you is still yet to come. Trust in that and I wish you luck.

[Unregistered]

Just one person's opinion, but as a 23, almost 24 year old, I can look back now and say I know a lot more than I knew at 21 as far as relationships are concerned. I think that your feelings are legitimate at the time but as you grow older, your perspectives and opinions change. My advice would be to go ahead and travel for two reasons: 1) You may regret not doing so later (plus now may be the greatest opportunity you have to do it) and 2) I think both you and your boyfriend still have a lot of growing to do and that may change both your relationship and who you are as people - whether you travel or not. I found that I did the most growing out of college b/c (as we all know), the real world is tough. You face more challenges and deal with a lot more things you didn't necessarily have to worry about in college. That sometimes changes peoples views on life - i.e. what's important in life and how they deal w/ decisions.

I'm kind of a believer in fate, so my opinion also runs along the line of "if it's meant to be, then it will work out in the end."

[Amy]

My QLC trigger is specific: What sends me into a hellish pit of misery is this: When He doesn't call. It's pure torture. Every hour that goes by makes me want to cry. It takes me, like two weeks, to realize that he's never going to call me, or even return a call. Furthermore, it makes me realize that no one will ever call be back. I will never be in a relationship ever again. No matter what I do. What the hell is wrong with me. I used to be an intelligent person. Now I am a total idiot, a complete moron. I am full of self loathing. I I wish I could find the offending part and cut it out of me....

[Antonina]

amy- don't be so hard on yourself! You need more faith in yourself. You sound like you need to just stop thinking about wanting to go out with someone so much. I was in the same boat, so I am speaking from experience here. When you do go out on dates, do you get as down on yourself or on life in general while with your "date" as you do here? Or are you able to "hide" it from them? The reason I ask is that, while it is good to be honest, being bitter and twisted can really put guys off. Put it this way- if I were to go on a date with a boy who sent out lots of negative vibes about his life, I'd probably think twice about calling them again for another date, because that can feel like hard work. Then again maybe you are good at hiding your negative feelings about dating etc from your dates- in which case, the problem may be with them and not you. Whatever the case may be, know that almost all of us have felt as you do at one stage or another- really! Just relax, enjoy the other aspects of your life (life is about more than finding a boy!) and I'm sure you'll find your match when you least expect it.

[Amy]

No offence, really....but I really get frustrated when people tell me that I'll meet someone when I'm not looking, or when I least to expect him. I've not been looking for 7 years. SEVEN YEARS! So, do I just continue to do nothing?
I guess I have no choice as the online dating thing has only made me depressed.

As for the dating thing, I didn't feel this badly untill about 2 days ago. I haven't been on a date in 2 days. I have a potential date on Saturday, but I'm going to have to cancell. Theres no way I can pretend to be O.K. It would just be cruel to subject him to me.

I thinkI just don't know how to act on a date. I sure as fuck can't be myself. I guess I have to be the nicest, calmest, normalest version of myself, but that doesnt seem to work either.

Don't worry. I'm never going to date again. Makes no sence to try to do something that causes such a tremendous amount of pain.

[Antonina]

hey amy, sorry if I set you off. I didn't mean it...
I don't know what to say to make you feel better. Just curious though- you said that you have not "had a date in 2 days"- that's not exactly a long time between dates, is it? And you also said that you "didn't feel this badly until 2 days ago"- did something bad happen (the guy wasn't a complete arsehole, was he)?

[Amy]

Antonina, I'm not mad, or irritated at you at all....I find your comments very interesting .

Nobody was an arshole to me. In fact I thought that they all went pretty well, but none of the guys ever called me back. The last guy I went out with gave me a hug at the end of the date. I thought that was a good sign. I guess I misread possible interest as pity. I keep getting blindsided. The guy who wanted to go out on SUnday or Saturday called me after that post and I declined. He asked why, and I told him that i just cannot bear to go on another date. I told him that I didn't think he'd like me, which is probably the case. It's just too humilating to know that you are not worth a phone call back.

I need therapy.

[Unregistered]

Amy, after reading your posts (this one and others) - perhaps you do need therapy. I'm not saying this to be cruel but b/c you are so completely down on yourself and are also completely negative about what almost anyone says to you. Unless you actually WANT to help yourself and stop wallowing in your own self pity saying that you will never date again b/c guys never call you back, etc., then your situation will go nowhere. I mean, stop and think about what that sounds like -- who are you really hurting here? Yourself. Yeah, it hurts to feel like these guys are just playing games...saying they'll call and they never do. I think all of us have had it happen. And it sucks, but if the guy was that much of a jerk to not do what he says he will and fein interest, who'd want to date him anyway? You seem to have had a handful at least of dates recently...so obviously you don't have problems getting a date... take it for what it's worth. If you had a great time then that's awesome. If it goes on from there, even better, but if it doesn't then don't let it break you. Get out of the house and do something for yourSELF -- sit in the park and read a good book on a blanket, go get some ice cream and sit outside on a nice day eating it, ride a bike or take a walk around the block. Or even do these things to not sit by the phone and wait around for his call.

Like Antonina said, "Life is about more than finding a boy." And yes, I think there is some truth to the fact that you have to love yourself before you can love (or get in a relationship) with anyone else. You seem to be putting all of your happiness and worth into finding someone -- and later on when you get into a long term relationship w/ someone and it ends, you're going to find yourself in a worse situation than you're in now.

Just one person's opinion. Take it for what it's worth. If it does nothing for you, then so be it. But if it helps, all the better.

[Amy]

thanks.
I still don't feel that much better but I did get out of the house. I went to Blockbuster to rent a bunch of movies. I'll look into therapy on Monday. Meanwhile, I'm staying right here on my couch. I''ve got to stop comming here to post. It makes me feel worse.

[Unregistered]

as a guy i can say that we are pigs and sometimes we dont call, but trust me, we're not woth it. i am personally, but most arent. when a guy says ill call you tomorrow, that means either tomorrow, in a week , or never. just always assume it wont be tomorrow, cause then it' ll be nice if he did actually call. but why would you want some creep guy caling you the next day, and being all weird about it? if you're casually dating, you shouldnt even want a call the next day. you should always take at least a day off. it allows you to gain perspective on the person, and gives you time to decipher your thoughts about the guy. if im just romancing a girl every day, i could be the biggest a-hole you ever met, i but a girl wouldnt notice for awhile if she allowed me to keep the charm on day after day. of course she'll realize the truth , but she will also realize she wasted weeks of time she could have been using to find a better man or do something for herself. if your actively searching for that life partner, stop. you dont choose your soul mate per se, the two of you just happen upon eachother. my life would be seemingly contradictory to this since i knew form the moment i saw my lady she would be mine, but funny thing was , she had other plans until about 3 years down the road. talk about not getting the call, i waited YEARS.
but im just crazy like that. all in all, dont feel like you're supposed to be in a relationship or that you need to find a man. if you find a great guy who calls when they say they do, congratulations! they're rare; if not, just relax. its like picking thru your mail every day. toss the junk, keep the good stuff, dont give it a second thought. live like your on a fast boat in the middle of a turqoise ocean with nowhere to be and nobody expecting you, pointing towards the horizon. free.

[Amy]

Thanks, I really like the analogy. I realize that men are pretty much not like me at all. I never go get my mail the same day

[unregistered]

I talked to a very smart young woman a couple of months back and asked her what she looked in a man ,, she said he shuld be presentable, sense of humor, smart/intelligent, fun to be with .. A couple of months and a breakup later I was told the reasons for the breakup was lack of love, commitment, communication .. I didnt remember the 3 things being in the list at all.
Maybe its just my experience but I am having very hard time finding people whose top 10 have love, commitment, being together with and facing life together. All I find are people who want looks.. money.. hot fun ........ people to whom u need to sell urself and games u need to play to keep up ur relationship

maybe i live in the wrong neighbourhood .. or its just qlc ..
OR maybe the games played and selling u do the dating game is not the spirit of love and companionship

Any thoughts?

[lonelypghgrrl]

When I was 24, my boyfriend of 6 years dumped me. Believe me, I thought my life was over and would never be happy again. We were together all through college and graduate school. It was a very miserable time for me...I lost 15 pounds (which isnt bad in and of itself) because I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I missed class because I had to see him there. I wanted to die.

About 2 months after, I met someone new. We had more in common than me and my other bf ever did. We have so much fun together and the world seemed new.

I figured out that most likely, my old bf and I had grown apart. We did so much changing in college and graduate school. So much growing up that we discovered who we were. Apparently, he discovered it before I did...so he dumped me.

I admit that this is a hard time in ur life to find a new soulmate. Being out of school makes it virtually impossible...especially if you HATE the bar scene as I do. Meeting people is tough. Seems like everyone is hooked up with their soulmate already. But it is possible. Don't feel as if you've made a mistake by breaking up. It's extremely hard at first, but then u realize its a growing experience. You'll be better off in the end.

However...I've now made my new bf my entire world. When I moved to Pgh, I had no friends here...still don't. Where do I meet girls I can be friends with??? He is my life...but he is also my best friend...so how can it be wrong?

[gelitas]

Wow! This is a good thread...I have few things to say/ask.

First of all Amy, I can totally understand what you're going through about a year after my first serious relationship I went through a phase where it was like I'd go out with a guy, but he'd never call and we'd never go out again. At first I didn't think anything of it b/c I didn't feel like I hit it off with anyone, but after a while I started to think that something was wrong with me! Now I realize that the timing was bad...and yes, sometimes it can be bad for quite a while. I don't really know what happened, but somehow that phase ended and dated a couple of guys for a few months each. During the time I dated both of them though I met my current bf and had a big crush on him. He just didn't seem interested. It took quite a bit longer than normal, but after about six months we started dating (I'd stopped dating the last guy when we did), and it was great. It finally felt right. Don't get too discourage if someone doesn't call...there are a million plus reaons why that might happen...and most of them probably don't have that much to do with you...especially if you only went out once or a few times!

Also, I agree with the Pittsburgh chick...why is it so darn hard to meet girlfriends. I have reunions with my gfs from college and it makes me miss having girlfriends around even more! I'm in grad school, but somehow I've found it really hard to meet girls to be friends with and just hang out and do girly things with. Instead I end up relying on my bf now for all my social interaction (something I would have frowned upon in college). We either do things together, with other couples, or with our fams. ANY ANSWERS TO THE MEETING OTHER GIRLS TO HANG WITH DILEMMA?????????

Erin--who was thinking of going abroad I found your situation intersting too...I'm a bit older (about to be 24 in August) and I really want to join in the peace corps in a year when I graduate. So does my bf (he's 29). We've been talking about getting married and joining together (we have friends who are doing this and going to China), but my mom keeps telling me that we should go as singles and if we still want to be together after that then we're meant to be. I hear a lot of wait, wait advice from people who are older and/or already are/have been married. It is hard like someone else in this post said though when you can't ignore you're strong feelings for each other. We really like to be together as much as possible, but b/t school and work and everything else that pops up we end up missing each other now! I can't imagine being in too separate countries...

Everytime I think I'm completely sure I want to get married, I wonder if I'm going to be thinking like the married people I know in a year, two years, or ten years and wish I'd waited...It's like how do you ever really know?? And all you people who say "you'll just know when it's right"...I know plently of people who have said that and ended up apart.

[jparrott]

I can relate on two aspects of these posts...
1) how do you meet new girlfriends?? I had quite a few friends when I first moved out to Boston, but that has changed because I don't work where there are a lot of women and many of my friends have moved or have children now. I'd like to have a social life outside of my bfriend too!!

2) How can people say "you know when it's right?" Sometimes I feel that way...then I start questioning it again. I really love my bfriend and want to spend the rest of my life with him..but so many people and the media want to make people think that you have to find "perfection" and your soulmate!!! well,,he's not perfect and neither am I,,but we make it work! and that's got to say something!

Jules