Co-Dependency, Control, and Victimization Issues

[jwsthe3rd]

I seem to have a co-dependency problem. I don't feel okay alone. I feel like I can't be happy unless I am in a relationship with someone. I want to feel independant and be content by myself no matter what happens. I think my bond with my Mother is too strong and I often fear her death because she doesn't have the best health. I'm afraid that I won't feel secure without her in the world, so I think I might be looking for a partner who will give me unconditional love and be supportive and protective of me like she always has been. I'm afraid that I don't know how to deal with life on my own sometimes, but I've managed to so far, so I guess that is a good sign. I know I have the classic signs of low self-esteem and lack of confidence. I've been working on it for awhile now, trying to break the pattern and figure out why I am like this. I've been reading self-help books, but they don't seem to help me much.

It also seems that I get myself into relationships with people whose lives are more chaotic than mine because it makes me feel like I am the one who is more together than they are. The past few people I have dated didn't have cars, hated their jobs, had substance abuse issues, religious issues, depression disorders, and very negative attitudes toward life. I date these people, feeling like I will be the one to save them, and they will be appreciative of me, always love me, and never leave me. In the beginning they adore me, make me feel so special and important, and act as if they can't get enough of me.... then they usually shut down completely on me, withdraw all affection, put up walls, and often disregard me as if I never existed and mean absolutely nothing to them anymore. I date men who use me, take advantage of me, then basically mind-fu*k me and throw me out like a used condom.

Why do I always end up playing victim? Is it because my Father didn't approve of me, thought I was a sissy fag, and constantly judged me and criticized me for everything I ever did? Do I unconsciously want the mental abuse, neglect, and rejection to continue because it's what I came to know as a child and I don't want to let it go? I've been seeking the answer for awhile now. I know it's probably so deep-rooted that I would need extensive therapy to reveal it, but I'd like to try breaking out of this unhealthy routine on my own. Does anyone else have similar problems with dating? I honestly don't think I even have any business dating others until I learn to love and accept myself for who I am. I just worry that this self-love and acceptance process will take too long to accomplish, and that I'll be missing out in the dating world during the prime of my life. Co-Dependency has become my addiction and I am afraid to leave it behind. If you have any suggestions, or similar stories, please let me know. Thanks!

[old_school_soul]

They say the first step is realizing the problem, which you have done, so congrats. I have been in 2 co-dependent relationships in my life, and like any dependency, it always ends up nagging you at your very core.

You need to look for people who are more stable, who have goals, who have a drive... Not people who are having a 24/7 pity party. It's not your responsibility to save a troubled soul. It sounds like you have a big heart, and that's a good thing, but if you are too willing to help someone, you will often get shat on. Don't help those who don't deserve it.

I think you've thought a lot about this, and you'd be suprised what just a couple months of intense psychotherapy could do to help you sort out your thoughts. You seem to be on the right track to having that epiphany that will put you in the right direction in your relationships.

[tina1979]

They say the first step is realizing the problem, which you have done, so congrats. I have been in 2 co-dependent relationships in my life, and like any dependency, it always ends up nagging you at your very core.

You need to look for people who are more stable, who have goals, who have a drive... Not people who are having a 24/7 pity party. It's not your responsibility to save a troubled soul. It sounds like you have a big heart, and that's a good thing, but if you are too willing to help someone, you will often get shat on. Don't help those who don't deserve it.

I think you've thought a lot about this, and you'd be suprised what just a couple months of intense psychotherapy could do to help you sort out your thoughts. You seem to be on the right track to having that epiphany that will put you in the right direction in your relationships.
ditto to this. (((hugs)))

[wordsmith]

I don't think it's bad to have a soft spot for damaged people - face it, every single person on the face of the earth is damaged. There is no such thing as no baggage, we are ALL affected and shaped by the things that we experience, in lots of different ways. Everyone is troubled in some way.

But you do have to make sure that in accepting and being attuned to people's issues, you can't give people a pass to treat you less well than you deserve, either, and excuse that. We all have issues, but we all have a responsibility to not use that as an excuse to treat people who care about us like crap because of them. The danger of being a kindhearted person is that it does encourage some to use and take advantage. It's hard (I struggle with this a LOT), but make sure you aren't consistently giving more than you're getting back, caring more than you're cared about. That imbalance is never going to end well. That isn't to say it's always going to be even, tit for tat...sometimes, you WILL be the person who has to give more, and expect less in return, if somebody's having a hard time. But the reverse should be true...at times, that person should cut you some slack and put themselves out for you, too, or at least be willing to. What I'm talking about, though, is consistent patterns. There will always be times when things aren't even, when you have to give more and will get less, or times when you need more from somebody and can't be the most giving person. But these shouldn't be the regular order of the day, rather, exceptions that beg compromise...overall, things should be pretty reciprocal, though.

Don't make excuses, either, that somebody "really DOES care about you, it's just not their style to show it." People have an obligation to show and say that they care, and not act in ways that fly in the face of that. People who are right for you will treat you with the same consideration and compassion with which you treat them.

[winneythepooh7]

They say the first step is realizing the problem, which you have done, so congrats. I have been in 2 co-dependent relationships in my life, and like any dependency, it always ends up nagging you at your very core.

You need to look for people who are more stable, who have goals, who have a drive... Not people who are having a 24/7 pity party. It's not your responsibility to save a troubled soul. It sounds like you have a big heart, and that's a good thing, but if you are too willing to help someone, you will often get shat on. Don't help those who don't deserve it.

I think you've thought a lot about this, and you'd be suprised what just a couple months of intense psychotherapy could do to help you sort out your thoughts. You seem to be on the right track to having that epiphany that will put you in the right direction in your relationships.

Wow, I'd never have expected this from you OSS. Your posts portray you completely different. In any event, I do agree with what you said. Also surrounding yourself with a couple of good friends who can talk you out of getting involved with people like this often works. As long as you can make the seperation and not get upset with them for being brutally honest. Even just journaling and keeping track of when you are headed for this cycle can be helpful.

[old_school_soul]

Wow, I'd never have expected this from you OSS. Your posts portray you completely different.

My kinder, gentler twin hacked my account :).

[jwsthe3rd]

Thanks guys. I made a "must" and "must-not" list that has the qualities I do and don't want out of a potential life partner. In other words, I have written down the "deal-breakers". If I stay true to this list, and do my best not to allow exceptions, then I think I might end up with someone decent next time I give out my heart. Basically, I need to screen them more carefully and sort of interview them for the position. Just yesterday Bad Kitty posted an article about the pursuit of happiness. I found a quote in the article that I want to start living my life by from now on, especially in relation to dating and trying so hard to find a partner.

The quote is:

"If you run after things, nothing will come to you. Let things run after you. The sea never sends an invitation to the rivers. That's why they run to the sea. The sea is content. It doesn't want anything. That's the secret in life."

-Swami Satchidananda

Also, I want to share my "must" and "must-not" list with you all to see what you think about it. I tried limiting myself to a list that is less than 10, so I wouldn't have too many limitations and requirements for each potential partner.

*MUSTS*

1. Be affectionate
2. Be good at conversation
3. Be sociable / not reclusive (willing to have fun in moderation)
4. Be equally interested in a long-term relationship for the right reasons
5. Be financially responsible for themself (car, place to live, job)
6. Be someone that I could easily see myself taking home to meet my family
7. Have decent hygiene (especially fresh breath)
8. Have some goals and directions in life
9. Have a sense of humor
10.Be mentally and physically attractive to me

*MUST NOTS*

1. Be heavy into drugs or alcohol
2. Be mentally or physically abusive
3. Have any terminal illnesses or STDs
4. Be a conceited snob
5. Prioritize sex
6. Be discriminatory, prejudice, or close-minded
7. Be on the rebound or constantly talking about a past relationship
8. Be a newbie to homosexuality
9. Be overly materialistic
10.Be a negative or pessimistic person

Do you think my list is fair and will help me stay away from the jerks I usually end up with? I want honest opinions, thanks guys!

;):