My sister's pregnant

[veniqe]

She's not even finished with school. She's 17 and in her final year. I never even knew she's sexually active! Hell, I was a virgin until close to my 19th! I'm at a loss... This can't come at a worse time than now. Do these kids not know about HIV and condoms, safe sex? I almost feel responsible cause I wanted to take them to a family planning clinic to make sure they are "safe". Well, mostly just to clear up their skins as they have horrible acne. That was the main motive. Worse is that I took them to a classy sex shop, to "educate" them about sex and vibrators and KY Jelly! They got embarrassed. This is just 6 months ago. Oy vey. My mother does not know. She won't know if I can get my way. But that'll mean an abortion and I'm not so sure what my feelings are on abortions. I even considered taking the child and adopting her. But..I'm unemployed! Staying with a very, very good friend. It might/will be different/better in 8 months... But. Don't know.

[WorkInProgress]

Whoa!

First off: it is not your decision or your mother's decision to make. It is your sister's, and she may want to talk to the father about it.

Secondly: you took her to a sex shop to explain stuff like KY but never talked to her about safe sex? Your mother didn't? Her school didn't? Her doctor didn't?

[tina1979]

She's not even finished with school. She's 17 and in her final year. I never even knew she's sexually active! Hell, I was a virgin until close to my 19th! I'm at a loss... This can't come at a worse time than now. Do these kids not know about HIV and condoms, safe sex? I almost feel responsible cause I wanted to take them to a family planning clinic to make sure they are "safe". Well, mostly just to clear up their skins as they have horrible acne. That was the main motive. Worse is that I took them to a classy sex shop, to "educate" them about sex and vibrators and KY Jelly! They got embarrassed. This is just 6 months ago. Oy vey. My mother does not know. She won't know if I can get my way. But that'll mean an abortion and I'm not so sure what my feelings are on abortions. I even considered taking the child and adopting her. But..I'm unemployed! Staying with a very, very good friend. It might/will be different/better in 8 months... But. Don't know.
This is something that your sister is going to have to decide for herself. period. I can not begin to tell you how important it is going to be for you to show her support right now. Let her know her options, but DO NOT push her towards one thing over another. Whatever decision she makes, SHE has to live with knowing she chose it. Its not about getting YOUR way right now, its about your sister and what she feels is the right thing to do for herself.

[redav]

This is something that your sister is going to have to decide for herself. period. I can not begin to tell you how important it is going to be for you to show her support right now. Let her know her options, but DO NOT push her towards one thing over another. Whatever decision she makes, SHE has to live with knowing she chose it. Its not about getting YOUR way right now, its about your sister and what she feels is the right thing to do for herself.
I want to second this. I have no doubt that your sister feels trapped right now, but she needs to know she does have many options, and that there are people who will help her through this. Also, what tina said about having to live with her choice is very true, she needs to be very careful to make a decision with a sound mind and not to rush into anything.

I wish you & her the best.

[meatwad]

She's 17. Your mother should know about this.

[coll214]

I agree completely with tina. YOU cannot decide for her. Regardless of what she decides, she's going to have to live with the consequences for the rest of her life. Make sure she knows ALL her options, and be supportive. You can give your opinion, but that's it!!

[SmilesSoSweet]

She's 17. Your mother should know about this.

Yes, she should know. And I agree with everyone else, it's your sister's decision on what she decides to do. She would probably also have to discuss this with the father of the baby as well.

You can probably just be there to support her in whatever decision she makes. It is HER live and her responsiblity.

[meatwad]

And unless she's told you other wise, they might have been having safer sex. It's not safe sex, it's safer sex. When they say birth control works 99.999% of the time, that means it doesn't work .001% of the time.

[sparky88]

She's not even finished with school. She's 17 and in her final year. I never even knew she's sexually active! Hell, I was a virgin until close to my 19th! I'm at a loss... This can't come at a worse time than now. Do these kids not know about HIV and condoms, safe sex? I almost feel responsible cause I wanted to take them to a family planning clinic to make sure they are "safe". Well, mostly just to clear up their skins as they have horrible acne. That was the main motive. Worse is that I took them to a classy sex shop, to "educate" them about sex and vibrators and KY Jelly! They got embarrassed. This is just 6 months ago. Oy vey. My mother does not know. She won't know if I can get my way. But that'll mean an abortion and I'm not so sure what my feelings are on abortions. I even considered taking the child and adopting her. But..I'm unemployed! Staying with a very, very good friend. It might/will be different/better in 8 months... But. Don't know.


1.) It sounds like she will be graduating from HS around June- if she can get through school before having the baby that is definitely positive.

2.) I agree that you should show her support/etc. But that she and the father need to make the final choice on any option they consider.

3.) I think that your sister (and the father of the baby- eventually) should tell your mom. Moms are often times more understanding than we think since they have a lot of experience in this department. She is 17 and I think any mother would want to know if their daughter was walking through this experience.

Do you know how far along she is? Even just an estimate?

[cheshrcarol]

And unless she's told you other wise, they might have been having safer sex. It's not safe sex, it's safer sex. When they say birth control works 99.999% of the time, that means it doesn't work .001% of the time.
Plus, BC is only that effective when used correctly. The actual effectiveness is lower because people make mistakes.

[meatwad]

Plus, BC is only that effective when used correctly. The actual effectiveness is lower because people make mistakes.

Yep. I heard about a guy in high school who was using is condoms twice to save money. :eek:

[sparky88]

Plus, BC is only that effective when used correctly. The actual effectiveness is lower because people make mistakes.

Absolutely. Having just took a pregnancy test yesterday I did more research on the effectiveness of the pill, and in actuality it can range between 92-99% effective (which, in my mind is still risky). Even further, I read that 53% of women forget to take at least one pill per month, so that increases the risk a bit more. To avoid pregnancy it's recommended they to double-up on methods. Even that is still not 100% effective- but it's much better all-around protection.

[WorkInProgress]

Yep. I heard about a guy in high school who was using is condoms twice to save money. :eek:

Aside from the lameness of that idea---eeeeeeeewwwwwww.

[tina1979]

3.) I think that your sister (and the father of the baby- eventually) should tell your mom. Moms are often times more understanding than we think since they have a lot of experience in this department. She is 17 and I think any mother would want to know if their daughter was walking through this experience.

This is very true. I hate going into this. My mom was very supportive. She was a Rock and as much as I didn't want her to know, she found out and she was there for me. If you want t o talk in PM feel free to PM me.

Not only that. I think depending on the state you live in a parent/gaurdian must be with you for an abortion if you are under the age of 18. Unless you can prove your gaurdianship over her, your mother or father would have to be present.

[veniqe]

Guys, I'm in Cape Town, SA. Girls here don't need consent from their guardians. They can have an abortion as long as they're older than 12. I'm sure you've heard all the hub about our "amazing" constitution? Anyway. Yes, of course she knows about condoms and even female condoms. I took them to the shop to show sex isn't sleazy. I knew they were probably engaged in sexual activities and wanted to show them they can talk to me. Hell, these kids (they're twins) are responsible for classes on HIV/AIDS at their church! They are the ones who teach other kids to practise safe sex. My mom's gonna freak. Problem is that we're all poor. If she keeps the baby, she'll lose out on so much, she'll probably become another girl who works in a factory, chain smoker, 5 kids, husband who beats her.. yeah, I'm exaggerating but she had goals and dreams and.. i'd hate her to give that up because she got horny and didn't use a condom.

[veniqe]

She's only one month pregnant. My god, Marie Stopes is expensive! $200 for an abortion is a LOT of money. Well, if you're in Cape Town, you could almost pay half your rent with that money. I just don't understand what went wrong and where. We had the same education. The same mom. Different dad but that is irrelevant. I might've complained earlier on about their choice of friends... They're NOT people I approve of. And when I told my mother about what I suspect (that they're involved with the wrong people as well as that they're already smoking and drinking), she turned a blind eye to it. She ignored it. F@ck! My sister's on her way to me now so that we can talk. I'm surprised how calm I was when she told me. Where's my Oscar?

[tina1979]

Problem is that we're all poor. If she keeps the baby, she'll lose out on so much, she'll probably become another girl who works in a factory, chain smoker, 5 kids, husband who beats her.. yeah, I'm exaggerating but she had goals and dreams and.. i'd hate her to give that up because she got horny and didn't use a condom.
She doesn't have to give up on anything and if anything she we will gain more as well. She will have to work smarter and harder for what she wants. She will need a supportive family behind her no matter what her choice is. If you make the choice for her though, she will live to regret it and resent you later for it. Let your sister know her choices, but don't make them for her.

I have had a baby and I have had an abortion for various reasons. Even knowing that I was making the right decision for myself did not change the emotional pain that I went through. The guilt, the hurt, the anger, the confusion, etc. I could go on and on listing the emotions that I went through, and that was with a supportive family and friends behind me. That was with me knowing what my choices were and making it on my own. I can't begin to imagine what she would go through feeling like she was forced into a decision.

Of course I can only tell you so much, and you are only going to take away so much from what I say. I just hope that you make the right decision and that your sister does what she needs to do to make her self ok.

[spokes]

as an aside it seems odd to me that you tooke them to the "toy store" when you did not know they were having "relations".

[meatwad]

as an aside it seems odd to me that you tooke them to the "toy store" when you did not know they were having "relations".

Maybe she could ask Rupert to pay for the 'procedure'.

[BadKitty]

But I thought Venique is a troll. Have you noticed her posts?

[veniqe]

A troll? That sounds..not like me. What's wrong with my posts? Anywho. I asked them right out if they're having sex last year. They said "No, of course not". I don't see anything wrong in taking two 17 year olds to a classy sex shop targeting the upper class female market. Have a look at www.Kink.co.za and you'll see what I mean. :) Anywho.

[spokes]

first off you asked them if they were having "relations" and they said no - so assuming you beleived them why take them to the toy store? if your sister mentioned that she wanted to get into running, would you take her out for a 26.2 mile run or would you just start with a run around the block?

to me it is fine to take them to toy store once they understand the basics (including birth control) and once they become of legal age (as you mentioned they were 17), but it would appear in this case they did not understand the basics (or they had an accident).

the more i read your first post, the more bizzare i think your description of the situation is..........anyways i'll stop typing now.

[veniqe]

What exactly is wrong in taking 17 year old girls into a sex shop? Oy vey. I think you people are by far too conservative and critical. You keep harping on the fact I took them to a sex shop.. How many of you did not do worse things than looking around in a sex store with pretty vibrators and KY Jelly at some stage? Please realise me taking there did not contribute to my sister's pregnancy.

[wordsmith]

I think the issue lies in the fact that you clearly feel your sister's not ready to deal with pregnancy...and if a person isn't ready to deal with the pregnancy possibility, they're not ready to be sexually active. And what is the purpose of taking people who aren't ready to be sexually active to a sex shop? Isn't that best left to people who are old enough/mature enough/ready enough to deal with sex and all its potential consequences and ramifications?

That's common sense, not prudishness.

[redav]

I think you people are by far too conservative
LOL.

Maybe I missed this, but if it's already decided that keeping the child and abortion are bad options, what about the other options?

[veniqe]

To Redav: I only know of one other option and that's adoption. Are there more options out there? I know I might come across as (even more) ignorant but yeah...

[redav]

To Redav: I only know of one other option and that's adoption. Are there more options out there? I know I might come across as (even more) ignorant but yeah...
Basically. I've dealt with a few social workers who work with that, and from them I've learned that there are several types of adoption, from the classic hand the child over and fade away, to a cooperative raising with grandparents/other family members, to a semi-involved role similar to an aunt. There may be things that the father's family can do/offer. It just seems that often people think of one stereotype and reject it when there are plenty of options.

[JChace029]

Does anyone else thinks this sounds like a "story"?

[AshleyJordan]

But I thought Venique is a troll. Have you noticed her posts?
A quick user search under that name, and what I'm quite sure was/is her aka, Bluup10, should give you a pretty conclusive answer to that question ;)

[veniqe]

It's official: Nokia's are the worst phones ever. I was busy thumbing this long, convoluted response and I flicked the wrong button and lost it all.. The wonders of technology se voet in 'n visblik. So anywho. Guys, (and gals) please understand I come to this board not to make up "stories" so that I'll get sympathy. If I say my sister's pregnant, she is. If I say I'm having an affair with a married man, I am doing so. If I complain about being burglared twice in less than 2 months, it happened. If I tell you I got evicted, my grandfather died after a relatively short sickbed, it is so. I come to this board for "support" and I get people asking "Hey, this sounds like one of those oh-please-be-sorry-for-me-cause-my-sister's-pregnant-but-it's-not-really-true,- I -just-want-the-sympathy" So. Anywho. I beg of you guys to be nicer. Is it cause I'm not American/British/Australian? Cause I don't have a degree/education? Cause I'm fat/ugly? Do I stink? Yeah, I'm being facetious.:) i'm just not sure if I'll be frequenting this board anymore. Perhaps I'll read the Outsider again. Right now. Twice.

[meatwad]

I try to respect someone until they give me a reason not to. This...

I'm having an affair with a married man

is my reason not too. But I don't live my life for your respect and you shouldn't live yours for mine.

[spokes]

What exactly is wrong in taking 17 year old girls into a sex shop? Oy vey. I think you people are by far too conservative and critical. You keep harping on the fact I took them to a sex shop.. How many of you did not do worse things than looking around in a sex store with pretty vibrators and KY Jelly at some stage? Please realise me taking there did not contribute to my sister's pregnancy.

forgive my typing as due to the fact that my eyes have completely rolled in my head i am having trouble seeing but, on second thought your right - i am assuming that you are now schooling her in the ways and pleasures of all forms of sex such as S&M, fetishes, anal, toe sucking, same sex relationships, group etc, etc, etc......

oh yeah as an aside I noticed that the website had some mention about the fact that you should be over 18.............anywyas i would ahve assumed that instead of showing her vibrators and dildos you should ahve been focusing you efforts on how to properly use a condom/ensuring she was on birth control etc and how to minimize all of the associated risks of having sex......

[Krishna]

forgive my typing as due to the fact that my eyes have completely rolled in my head i am having trouble seeing but, on second thought your right - i am assuming that you are now schooling her in the ways and pleasures of all forms of sex such as S&M, fetishes, anal, toe sucking, same sex relationships, group etc, etc, etc......


Spokes, that's what all responsible sex ed classes for high schoolers are teaching these days.

[CTGirl]

forgive my typing as due to the fact that my eyes have completely rolled in my head i am having trouble seeing but, on second thought your right - i am assuming that you are now schooling her in the ways and pleasures of all forms of sex such as S&M, fetishes, anal, toe sucking, same sex relationships, group etc, etc, etc......

oh yeah as an aside I noticed that the website had some mention about the fact that you should be over 18.............anywyas i would ahve assumed that instead of showing her vibrators and dildos you should ahve been focusing you efforts on how to properly use a condom/ensuring she was on birth control etc and how to minimize all of the associated risks of having sex......

Silly American/Canadian prude :exclaim: