Problem with my parents (long rant)

[Syracuse]

Long story short my mom went through bankruptcy due to credit card purchases, couldn't have a credit card of her own due to that, got ahold of my credit card number and my sisters and was charging things online for it for a few thousand. I find out, shouting match, now we're not talking, awkward, etc. It wasn't about the money, but how she reacted like a crazy person, how she raised me and etc, I said if you needed money just tell me, I was being rational I think. Also my dad didn't speak to me for a year when I was unemployed, I think he was ashamed of his son as a failure, I didn't mind because I didn't need his stress added on to the stress of being unemployed anyway, and he magically starts talking to me as soon as I gained employment.

Anyway. My computer was broken so I'd left it at my parents house, my dad just calls me saying he has had it fixed and I can have it back on one condition, I apologize to my mom. I was flabbergasted. How do you try to buy someone off like that with a straight face? And not to mention I have nothing to apologize for. But he was saying it's hurting her feelings that we're not talking, so I should be a man and apologize, even though he also admitted it's her fault.

But see I am fine not talking to either of my parents. For the first time in my life I feel truly happy, the one thing missing is a significant other but it's not necessary I am meeting people and letting what happen happen. Just thinking of my mom and what happened makes me ill to my stomach, it was such a stressful time in my life and I guess I'd rather do nothing than stress over it again. I honestly feel now that she is just not a good person, and is my mom biologically but I have no need to conduct business with her ever again.

On the flip side I know a lot of girls judge a guy on how his relationship is with his family, so am I damaged goods if I don't talk to my mom? I don't feel like I did anything wrong, just got unlucky to have a crazy parent.

Thanks for letting me rant this board is a lifesaver.

[embrassezla]

I wouldn't hold it against you, not after the explanation of why. Seems reasonable to me. Several people on the board have posted that they feel like their parents do more emotional harm to them than good, so you aren't alone.

[meatwad]

How about you find out how much the repair cost, deduct that from what she owes you and you tell him he'll apologize when she comes up with the balance.

[blueyes]

Given the explanation, I also would not treat you as 'damaged goods'. It sounds like your parents might have put a little too much of their own happiness into what your financial statements look like, rather than your own happiness and well-being.

All that crap aside, I'm sorry your parents aren't acting like, well, adults - but I am glad we're here to give virtual hugs so you feel a little more sane. *hug*

[Syracuse]

How about you find out how much the repair cost, deduct that from what she owes you and you tell him he'll apologize when she comes up with the balance.
My sister, who is talking to her again, says I should just say I'm sorry half heartedly, just to get the computer back, because it's a pretty fast computer. But that never entered my mind, I'd rather just let my dad have it. But maybe she's right, maybe this isn't as big a deal as I'm making it, saying sorry is just another word, though I don't think I'll ever have a good relationship with my mom again.

[PeakDream]

Dude, be a man and take a high road, just apologize and be done with it. She is your mother after all. I agree with you that what she did was completely fucked up, but pride is a dangerous thing. Let it go... serenity now... serenity now...

[asm198]

Dude, be a man and take a high road, just apologize and be done with it. She is your mother after all. I agree with you that what she did was completely fucked up, but pride is a dangerous thing. Let it go... serenity now... serenity now...

That's easy to say, but what his mom did is pretty awful. If it was someone besides his mom that did this, he'd might be filing charges against that person. The only thing that I might do is talk to his mom and see if they can't talk about what happened rationally. I definitely don't think he needs to appologize, mother or not.

And I wouldn't hold it against him if he had no contact with his parents, based on the situation.

[Syracuse]

It's not about pride. I have nothing to be proud about, either two choices I have suck, but at least by not having any contact with her she can't stress me out, that's how I look at it. Easy way out yes but who cares if she's my mom. She obviously didn't care that I was her son.

[fxskier]

This sounds harsh, but if he doesn't give the computer back, I'd file charges against your dad. I'd also file charges against your mom for identity theft if you haven't already done so. If you're not financially dependent on them in any way, f%ck them. Stealing from your own child is as low as it gets, and there is no excuse for that.

[JChace029]

Two things to the OP:

1. Any girl that looks down on you because of a poor relationship with your mother is retarded. Especially if she doesn't know what a dirtbag she is.

2. Sue her (your mother, not the girl).

[WorkInProgress]

And I wouldn't hold it against him if he had no contact with his parents, based on the situation.

No contact is one thing, but if it gets to the point where he's bitter against parents, or family, that's something else.

And I'd think that it might be a good idea to maintain some contact, if for no other reason than you might want it later in life or you might need it for medical reasons later. It doesn't mean you have to like them, or even be cordial, but unless it is a very severe situation, I don't see the harm or stress in it. Perhaps it's because I have a different perspective, though.

[and1grad]

Sounds like a bribe. It also sounds like your Dad is putting you back into that kid role of getting a treat if you do what he says. I'd tell him to keep the computer. What your mom did was terrible. YOU having to apologize for it is egregious. Plain and simple.

[Syracuse]

My credit card company asked if I wanted to press charges, I said no. Like I said money is just money, I could look past it since she is my mom but the way she reacted screaming at me and and trying to act like how dare I even ask her about it, that whole thing kind of destroyed our relationship. My sister is pretending it never happened. My mom got a 7 thousand dollar raise at her job so she is buying things online again but with a debit card, my sister said she is playing my mom to get her to buy things for her. My mom had also used my sister's credit card without her knowledge, she did it to both of us. She actually was only using mine at first then used her card to pay mine off a little, I guess so she would be screwing us both equally. It's pretty sick really when I think about it. I'm kind of upset with my sister at that because she has no problem being bought off, meanwhile she just doesn't talk about what happened before with my mom. My whole family has a history of just ignoring problems between us and hoping they fade away, my parents always used to fight when I was growing up, they wouldn't talk to each other for a month and then start talking again having not resolved anything. I think that upbringing was deprimental to my emotional development in a lot of ways.

Now I have an 8 year old brother who is stuck in the middle of this in a lot of ways and shouldn't have to deal with this. I love him so much so I like to go home to visit him and take him to movies and stuff but it's awkward when I'm there in the room with my mom and we don't talk. I wish my brother didn't have to see that but is it also ok to show him that it's fine to sell yourself out and not be independent?

[embrassezla]

Now I have an 8 year old brother who is stuck in the middle of this in a lot of ways and shouldn't have to deal with this. I love him so much so I like to go home to visit him and take him to movies and stuff but it's awkward when I'm there in the room with my mom and we don't talk.
Ohhh. Maybe you could talk to your mom and just say "I want us to be on speaking terms again, and I'm willing to overlook what has happened between us in the past so that we can do so". NOT an apology or anything, but just kind of a "let's be cool" thing, for the sake of your bro?

[Syracuse]

Ohhh. Maybe you could talk to your mom and just say "I want us to be on speaking terms again, and I'm willing to overlook what has happened between us in the past so that we can do so". NOT an apology or anything, but just kind of a "let's be cool" thing, for the sake of your bro?
Yeah I have been thinking of something like that, just not sure how to say it, and also not sure what difference it will make.

[Ciderhillnh]

if its your computer that you bought, and your Dad only got it fixed, Id give him the money for whatever he paid to fix it and take the computer home.

Dont leave it there, its yours!

As for your mother, I dont think you owe her an apology of any sort, not even to keep the peace.

What she did was criminal and from her own child!? Lowest of the low. I would go right up to her and tell her that she stole from you and she is lucky you DONT press charges against her.

Then tell her you expect her to pay you back all they money she stole from you otherwise you'll see her in court.

Money is money, but there is right from wrong and its up to your mother to apologize to you and pay you back. She is wrong here!

[cache]

Have you asked your dad why your mom won't apologize?

[JChace029]

She DEFINATELY owes YOU the apology. Certainly not the other way around. Have you thought about the adverse effects this will have on your credit and your future in life? Things like that can screw your ability to get good rates on new cars, a house, etc.

[embrassezla]

He implied that he worked it out with the credit card company, at least told them that the charges were unauthorized, so I'm assuming he wasn't/isn't liable.

[Syracuse]

Have you asked your dad why your mom won't apologize?
He said she did what she did "out of love for her children". No one is sure exactly what she bought with our cards, I cancelled my card soon as I found out, but I know a lot of it was toys for my brother. And I guess she says she bought things for me, but number one I never asked for anything, number two using my card to buy things for me is still wrong. My dad said that he has learned to deal with her over the years, but I don't think he has ever said sorry to her even when something really was his fault which is half the time. I have no problem saying sorry to someone if I screwed up, in fact it was my new years resolution to do it more, like when I'm in the middle of an argument with someone and I suddenly realize I am wrong, in the past I wouldn't admit it out of pride, now lately it has happened a few times and I said you know what you're right. But this seems cut and dry to me and I was flabbergasted today when my dad said I should apologize to her.

But maybe I am still being immature but I just don't see how we can be back on speaking terms without her apologizing to me, because we can't just go back to talking pretending it never happened, like her and my sister have done.that just feels fake to me, it would kill a little bit of me inside I think. We need to talk over what happened and she needs to take some blame.

[Syracuse]

She DEFINATELY owes YOU the apology. Certainly not the other way around. Have you thought about the adverse effects this will have on your credit and your future in life? Things like that can screw your ability to get good rates on new cars, a house, etc.
I said that to my mom when I first found out, I said don't you know you're screwing me over, I'm a young guy just getting started with my adult life, and credit scores matter a lot. She said it would help because she is paying back the minimum on the debt herself each month. She said credit companies like debtors who are consistent with payments. Though I assume they like it even better when someone has no debt at all, which I used to not have. That's why I don't care about the money because she is paying it back, but it's still in my name.

My credit card company said I could press charges but then my mom would get fined and maybe even jail, otherwise they couldn't do anything about the debt.

[embrassezla]

oh i get it - if you won't press charges, then you're liable for the credit card charges even if they were unauthorized?

[Syracuse]

Wow just got an email from my mom:

Hey,

Pops says he offered you your computer back(I said he should have you
pay the 100.00) he paid to fix it.

H says you're too cheap....honestly, Evan 100.00 isn't a lot .
You've got a burner and zillion songs on that computer and pops says its
working great. He said he told you to make up with me. Look if you
want to still be mad at me ...its ok....I really don't care...but don't
screw yourself on my account. Tell pops, yeah we're buddies now and
take the damm computer! You say its not about the money(find that hard
to believe) and is just about me yelling at you. Well, Evan I guess I
was just soooo tired of you dissin me. For a month before that , that's
all you would do. You're my son and I'd do anything for you and Im sorry
I stole your money. You're a man now and I guess your trying to tell me
that. I'll try to remember that and forget you're my son(the younger
you) that I raised and so am cutting the apron strings.

So email pops to get your computer



mom


Not sure how to take that. Don't remember "dissin" her but maybe I was, I know I was starting to get stressed about living at home (this all also happened right before I got my new job and moved out). I guess that's as close to an apology as I'll get.

[and1grad]

Its a forced apology but its probably the best you'll get.

[Syracuse]

I just sent my mom this email:

Hey do you want to meet some time at a restaurant to talk, because it is silly I admit for us to be not talking still. Pops is an idiot but he is right we should talk, you're my mom and I love you. I've just been dealing with other stresses and didn't want to add on to it with dealing with our situation. But anyway let's bury the hatchet what do you say?

I was pissed this weekend because I wanted to take my brother to see a movie and my dad wouldn't let me because of my situation with my mom. But then my mom apparently heard about that and she brought my brother over for me to hang out with him. She didn't come in she just dropped him off, and I thought that was silly.