Sharing gone wrong

[Ciderhillnh]

So due to my parents telling me that they want me to share more with them……….I tried last night and it went crappy as I predicted would.

My camp puts out an alumni newsletter every year. I went to a reunion in Boston this past spring with a friend, and also had a mini one that a group of us put together on our own over Tgiving weekend.

So my picture with my friend from the Boston reunion was in the newsletter. And C who helped organize the small Tgiving reunion submitted a pic from that as well that made it into the newsletter.

I was so excited when I saw it yesterday since it came in the mail and I had to open it to see who got married, who had babies etc.

So I decide to share with my parents because they know people I went to camp with and figure they might be interested.

So I start with the Tgiving pic….my parents didn’t know I had this mini reunion, didn’t see a need to tell them really…..
Well my mom gets this face and says
"Um I had no idea you did anything like this you never mentioned anything"
Then she frowns, takes a quick look at the other pic and is pouty.

C who helped me organize was a young mother (21) and is married to a man who is 40. She went to college, she had a career and now is a stay at home mom until the kiddos are a bit older.

I mention this because my mom says so what is Cs deal now?
I tell her again how she has 2 kids ( girl who is 1 and boy almost 4) and that her husband is older and where they live.

My mom frowns and shrugs.

Basically expressing her disapproval. Of what I don’t know…..its almost like they think that because my friends do different things they might not approve of that because Im friends with them that they might influence me to do similar non approved things with my life.
I wasn’t even that influenced in high school and Im 26, I control my own life and who Im friends with not them.

But this is why I don’t share with them. I wanted to tell her that last night with all of her comments and looks but she just had gum surgery and was in pain and it wasn’t a good time to go after her like that.

Unlike her I actually take that into consideration…..how she is feeling.

Maybe I should have said something about this is the reason I don’t share, but I know it would probably be met with comments of how Im reading too much into it.
But Ive seen it my whole life, people do one thing they don’t like and that’s it they don’t like that person.

You would think she would be happy that I met up with people Ive known since I was 12, and have stayed friends with them.

Just trying to give an example of what Im talking about with my family….they wanted me to share…I shared, and got shit on.

So do I keep trying, or just go back to not sharing at all and just wait for them to complain about it and explain why I dont share at that point?

[Skyblade]

I wish my mom cared enough to ask about things that are going on in my life. I'm the one who usually ends up sharing and all I get back from her is her worrying about this and that about her own life. I listen and give my feedback, but she never ASKS about anything in my life. I've come to the conclusion that I won't share because it seems like she couldn't care less.

Have you told your mom how her disapproving looks make you feel? A lot of parents just get overly concerned about stuff that may not seem like a big deal to us. Sometimes it helps to humor them, sometimes its better to just keep it to ourselves. It does seem like your mom is genuinely interested in your life though, so thats good. I wouldn't give up on sharing things with her altogether.

[Ciderhillnh]

Have you seen my other posts about this? I dont mean that harshly, just that in posts about my parents Ive written about how negative they are and how they dont take an interest in anything going on with my life.

My mom NEVER asks about my life, never takes an interest, never calls me on her own.

Its always been my calling them, my purging information just so they wont ask questions etc and always being met with disapproval from them.

I havent told my mom how her looks make me feel simply because I have a very strong feeling it will be met with being told that they arent giving me looks and its all in my head as they usuall do with anything I approach them on.

My mom specifically told me that I seem secretive and that I dont share very much with them.......well that is pretty much true. I talk about myself and what Im doing, but I dont tell them that I went to the movies and list my friends and what movie we saw...who cares and why share that?

I shared so much when I was growing up but that was just because otherwise Id be met with so many questions it was just easier to share.

But now Im an adult and live on my own and dont feel I have to tell them my every move....especially when I do share and I get looks, and disapproval from them.

I stopped sharing as to not deal with the negativity?

[wordsmith]

Why do you even associate with your parents, to whom you are obviously not close?

[Ciderhillnh]

They are my only family. They have known me for my entire life, Im an only child......and we talk about whats going on with them, and a bit about myself, but I dont feel the need to share every minute and mundane detail about my life with them and they shouldnt be upset that I dont.

[wordsmith]

Sounds like you've got a lifelong power struggle on your hands.

[Ciderhillnh]

Isnt that true with any family?

[asm198]

I think you've got to stop caring about how your parents feel or are reacting to your life and how much you choose to share. I would share what I felt like sharing and discuss what I feel comfortable discussing if they ask, but I wouldn't be bothered if they disapprove of whatever.

[wordsmith]

I guess it depends on your family and your relationship with them. I couldn't really say in all honesty that I struggle at all with mine the way you seem to with yours. I guess I'm just rare.

[Kitty]

What? this isn't making any sense to me - you seem to contradict yourself.

[Ciderhillnh]

ASM I was choosing to share little and they confronted me calling me secretive almost like I was an adolescent they suspected of being on drugs.

I dont live with them and I do talk to them but I omit things they dont need to konw. But from their confrontation it seems they want to know if I went to the movies, and with who, and what time the showing was etc.

My parents never ask anything, so there isnt a matter of sharing what I feel comfortable with and leave it at that.......

So because they dont ask, I just share stuff about myself and not my friends as to not deal with their disapproval. Which is why I stopped sharing in the first place.

They complain about it, and my mom made the first move by calling and asking how NYC was....so based on her gesture, I decided to share a bit this week......which is when I got the negative response.

Why share if thats what she gives me, she certainly isnt encouraging...and its not like she was negative over somethign to be negative over...its not like I told her i went out and got wasted and puked all over my friends car....then I could understand....but the fact that I had a reunion with some friends and she doesnt like that my friend is a mom and lives in Medford with her husband....um what?

[Ciderhillnh]

ASM I was choosing to share little and they confronted me calling me secretive almost like I was an adolescent they suspected of being on drugs.

I dont live with them and I do talk to them but I omit things they dont need to konw. But from their confrontation it seems they want to know if I went to the movies, and with who, and what time the showing was etc.

My parents never ask anything, so there isnt a matter of sharing what I feel comfortable with and leave it at that.......

So because they dont ask, I just share stuff about myself and not my friends as to not deal with their disapproval. Which is why I stopped sharing in the first place.

They complain about it, and my mom made the first move by calling and asking how NYC was....so based on her gesture, I decided to share a bit this week......which is when I got the negative response.

Why share if thats what she gives me, she certainly isnt encouraging...and its not like she was negative over somethign to be negative over...its not like I told her i went out and got wasted and puked all over my friends car....then I could understand....but the fact that I had a reunion with some friends and she doesnt like that my friend is a mom and lives in Medford with her husband....um what?

[embrassezla]

I think you already know that your parents treat you unfairly in many ways, so there's probably little point in trying to determine what you can do to be treated fairly - likely not gonna happen. If I were in that situation I'd probably just try to keep the peace for as long as I determined that associating with them was preferable to not associating.

[asm198]

ASM I was choosing to share little and they confronted me calling me secretive almost like I was an adolescent they suspected of being on drugs.

I dont live with them and I do talk to them but I omit things they dont need to konw. But from their confrontation it seems they want to know if I went to the movies, and with who, and what time the showing was etc.

My parents never ask anything, so there isnt a matter of sharing what I feel comfortable with and leave it at that.......

So because they dont ask, I just share stuff about myself and not my friends as to not deal with their disapproval. Which is why I stopped sharing in the first place.

They complain about it, and my mom made the first move by calling and asking how NYC was....so based on her gesture, I decided to share a bit this week......which is when I got the negative response.

Why share if thats what she gives me, she certainly isnt encouraging...and its not like she was negative over somethign to be negative over...its not like I told her i went out and got wasted and puked all over my friends car....then I could understand....but the fact that I had a reunion with some friends and she doesnt like that my friend is a mom and lives in Medford with her husband....um what?

If my mom assumed that I was on drugs because I wasn't sharing the intimate details of my life with her or because of who my friends are, I would tell her that I'm not and that I'm insulted that she would assume that I have such a poor sense of self that I would be that easily swayed by my friends to do something I wasn't comfortable with. Then I would tell her that I'm an adult and I make my own decisions, so I don't need her approval to live my life the way I see fit and that she needs to back off and shut her trap.

However, I haven't needed to have her approval about how I lived my life for many years now. If I need her imput, I'll ask. It doesn't stop her from giving imput about everything and if she disapproves of something I see no problem with, I let to know to knock it off.

I realize that seems very harsh, but I got very tired of dealing with a hyper overprotective mother who felt the need to question every decision I made. We actually spent the better part of a year, several years back, not speaking to each other because she tried to manipulate me into doing something she wanted me to do. I called her on it, she pitched a fit, and I decided to cut her out of my life. I refused to have any contact with her, to the point that she would call me and I would hang up as soon as I found out it was her and sent letter back 'return to sender'. It was the right thing to do at the point and I don't regret it. She realized she couldn't treat me like a child anymore, but has occasionally backslid. When she does, I point blank tell her to knock it off and if she doesn't, I hang up the phone and take a couple of weeks to let it sink it.

It's kind of the opposite problem, but it was getting completely and totally out of hand and I had to do something in order to have any sort of adult relationship with her.

[wordsmith]

I think you already know that your parents treat you unfairly in many ways, so there's probably little point in trying to determine what you can do to be treated fairly - likely not gonna happen. If I were in that situation I'd probably just try to keep the peace for as long as I determined that associating with them was preferable to not associating.

I think this is pretty accurate.

[and1grad]

You should have told her that the disapproving stuff was bothering you right then, bringing it up later wont do much good.

[nikorock28]

You should have told her that the disapproving stuff was bothering you right then, bringing it up later wont do much good.

I agree. I think you need to talk to your mom about how you feel. You are assuming many things based on shrugs, frowns, etc., which may not be an accurate indicator. You have absolutely no problem telling people on this board, or your friends, your opinion and how you feel. Just do the same with your mother.

EDIT: I am not suggesting an outburst or a fit of anger on your part, which seems like you are heading towards. I am suggesting a rational, logical discussion of feelings between adults.

[NewMrs.]

I'm sorry, Cider, I haven't really read most of the stuff that you post about your relationship with your parents. However, is it possible that you are having problems with your mom because she is going through menopause? I'm just wondering because my mom acted a certain way that upset me this past Christmas, and I really think that menopause really had a big part in the way that my mom was acting.

[Ciderhillnh]

And1....the reason I didnt was because she had just had gum surgery and was in some serious pain, it wouldnt have been fair or kind to do that to her when she wasnt in the best state due to the pain she was experiencing.

Nik....I can read my mom like a book, and these arent assumptions. When she asked about my friend and I told her what she was up to, my mom looked at me with a face of 'why are you associating with her' and asked so how often to do you talk'see her? I said we keep in touch (to keep it as vague as possible and to not feul her fire)

Im pretty collected when it comes to approaching people, I tend to get very monotone when Im upset to make sure that there isnt a fit of anger from me.
But as for talking to my mom about this, Ive tried many times in the past, and its always met with denial, twisting it on me so that Im told Im making it up or that they never said such things
(example: I was told freshman year of college I would NOT have anywhere to come home to after the school year so I would need to find a place to live for the summer.....this was brought up a few times through the school year.....so I never went out or spent any of the money I made working on breaks or from the previous summer because I felt I was going to need it to find an apartment.
So the school year ends and I ask if I can come home to crash for a weekend and go off to find an apartment. It is met with questions of why wouldnt you be able to come home? Why are you looking for an apartment? what are you talking about?
I tell them exactly what they had been telling me for months.......they then told me they were only kidding and why did I take them so seriously?

Um hmmmm...months of being told the same thing in a serious tone maybe?)

So because of instances like this that have occured numerous times with them, I feel that if I tell them how I feel they will just tell me that Im creating it myself (as they have told me before when Ive said Im upset or hurt by what they are doing/saying).

NewMrs........as for the menopause theory, it has been like this SINCE before my mom went through menopause, but Im sure that her going through it has heightened it.

[and1grad]

And1....the reason I didnt was because she had just had gum surgery and was in some serious pain, it wouldnt have been fair or kind to do that to her when she wasnt in the best state due to the pain she was experiencing.
I understand where you're coming from but I'm so tired of people being given a pass to be shitty just b/c they're not having it great at the time.

[Ciderhillnh]

I agree...but if she had just been having a bad day, or was generally not in a good mood.....I would have said something, that she can deal with.

Pain.....well thats just not fair at least in my opinion. I wouldnt want her or anyone to come at me with a tough discussion or something unpleasant if I had just gone through surgery and was in pain......so to me its a pass.

Golden rule...do onto others.....and I stand by that.

[cheshrcarol]

I don't understand what the huge deal is here. You told your mom about one of your friends and she made a face. First of all, what you told her wasn't even about you. And you're getting all worked up because of her expression?

My mom does the same things sometimes because she can be a total snob. If she did that to me I'd either blow it off as my mom being my mom or straight out ask "what's with the face?"

My mom doesn't approve of all my friends, but so what? Last time I checked I was an adult, and so are you.

[Ciderhillnh]

The big deal is that my parents specficially had a conversation with me about 2 weeks ago saying how I was secretive and dont share much with them.

I took the initiative to share with them as they asked me to do more of, and I got disapproval, faces and annoyance in their voices about what I was sharing and about who Im friends with.

I stopped sharing with them because of this behavior......they complained, so Im trying to make an effort here, and with that effort I was met with negativity. They cant have it both ways.

It wasnt just her expression, it was her demeanor and tone when she was speaking to me about my friend, that she basically disapproves of my talking to and being friends with this person, almost like she thinks Im a teenager that needs to be told that Im spending time with a bad influence (and my friend is NOT a bad influence.....married 2 kids stay at home mom, hell Im proud of her!) and even if she was a bad influence Im an adult and it doesnt mean Ill be influenced by my friends.

My parents seem to think anyone I come in contact with influences me, they tend to forget how head-strong I am and that I dont do anything unless I want to do it. No one can really make me do anything.

Had I said whats with the face, it would have created WW3 at my house.....not really worth it since it would be turned around on me.

EX: my mom was cleaning out the attic and for some reason was possesed to clean out my large container with books, college materials, notebooks. She found a notebook in the middle of this container, and went through it. In the middle of the notebook was a letter I had written in anger 5 YEARS previously. I basically went on about how my mom was pissed at me and why I was angry at her and who did she think she was. I was pissed, it was 5 years previous, it was in the middle of a forgotten college notebook in amongst college stuff I hadnt touched since I moved home 5 YEARS prior.

She actually called me out on it and said what an ungreatful child I was and how dare I and its what I think of her.

I told her flat out I write stuff like that when Im pissed so I get it out and dont take it out on people that Im upset with and that it was from 5 YEARS ago.

My mom couldnt accept this and was angry at me for months.

And you wonder why I dont approach her when Im upset about something.....such crazy reaction for such small mundane things.

Due to the fact that my mother should have NO say in who Im friends with, Im not a teenager, so it doesnt matter if she approves or not, but specifically because of her reactions I dont share.....why share if all Im met with is faces, negativity and crap from her?

[and1grad]

Sooooo...selective sharing. Sounds reasonable. I only tell my parents certain things. I think thats pretty standard.

[wordsmith]

Most people do that.

[WorkInProgress]

Yep. Nobody needs to know everything about me.

[Ciderhillnh]

Thats where the issues lies...I was doing selective sharing and they called me out on it saying I was being secretive.

I have been selective sharing with them since I was about 14, though I had to share more when I lived under their roof since they needed to know every incoming and outgoing call and where I was going and who with and if we were meeting up with anyone else while out.

Since going to college and moving out, Ive shared less and less with them, because really who cares anyway and its none of their business what I do. They told me to be independent and live my own life and they never call or ask....then they do this 180 and want to know whats going on....sorry it doesnt change like that.

I just am irritated that I tried to make a move to what they wanted and I got shit on for it. Its really really frustrating always getting this double messages.

Dont share with us.....wait share with us
Move out on your own dont ever come back....come have dinner with us more
Go do your own thing you dont need our permission.....you did what you didnt tell us or consult us about that

When I was in college and studying psych, they always talked about how studies linked double bind messages with schizophrenia....I swear Im almost 27 and sometime this year if I start to get early onset, I wont be surprised.

[and1grad]

I'm also an only so I can relate to what you're saying...having to play every role. The child thats super close and the one thats really independent. The one that carves their own path and the one that follows their blueprint. It comes with the territory and i'm sure you're pretty much used to it. I mean, arent you getting the "I cant wait for you to have kids...but only after you're married" type stuff too? Some things'll never change.

[Ciderhillnh]

Yes Im used to it but they always seem to twist and turn what they say so they dont look like the bad guys or ever admit fault or wrong doing. I dont think Ive ever heard them say they are sorry for upsetting me or hurting me ever in my entire life.

No I dont get the I cant wait for you to have kids, but only after your married bit.

My parents never talk kids or marriage with me in any way shape or form, never have.

And1....its good to speak to another only about these types of issues, while everyone can weigh in, onlies do have a very different life with their parents and expectations. Its hard for people with siblings to understand, just as its hard for us to understand about having siblings.

We are expected to be the eldest child and behave as such. Acheive be articulate, provide and be independent for ourselves.
BUT at the same time we are expected to be the baby in the family, to not grow up and be dodded over by our parents.

Tough line to walk....be independent and adult but dont grow up...um okay how do I do that exactly?

We are supposed to be close and share with our parents, be little adults as kids, which can make it tough for some to relate to their peers because onlies have advanced vocabulary and adult interactions with no siblings to help with kid interaction.
BUT at the same time we are supposed to be kids and act like kids, but when we do parents talk to us like we are adults and should understand adult expectations and consequences.
We are supposed to be autonomous from our parents starting as teens, but parents have a tough time letting go because of the close relationship.

Its just all double bind messages....now Im curious if more onlies are schizophrenic vs people with siblings. Wonder if there are any studies that have been done on this.

[mishl982]

Lesson learned: don't share anything with them anymore. And if they complain, well, that's their problem!:p

[Ciderhillnh]

That is the simplicity of it all isnt it? ;):

Just trying to create the happy medium.

[nikorock28]

When I was in college and studying psych, they always talked about how studies linked double bind messages with schizophrenia....I swear Im almost 27 and sometime this year if I start to get early onset, I wont be surprised.

Wait, I am confused. Are you suggesting your mother has schizo or you do?

EDIT: I see now that you feel the double bind messages from your mother may drive you to schizophrenia.

[Ciderhillnh]

Its funny how a little bit of knowledge like that can be a bad thing...or maybe good, at least if I do come down with it Ill have some idea/reason where it came from!

[wordsmith]

You certainly don't have to be an only child to have your parents expect contradictory things of you. It is true that if you have siblings, the expectations can get shifted around. My parents won't get on my case for the "when will you give us grandkids" thing, because I have two married brothers who are further down that road than I am. None of my siblings are expected to be the dependable ones who always follow through, because they have me for that, I'm the old reliable kid...it's more expected that my siblings will blow stuff off. It's a tradeoff. But parents can have contradictory expectations of their kids, no matter how many or few they have. People as a whole often have contradictory expectations of one another, after all.

[Ciderhillnh]

I agree.

Im just pointing out that as an only you have dual expectations put on you that people with siblings just wont have.

You are correct that when you have siblings the attention is shifted to whatever is most important at that time, when you're an only everything you do and every move you make is under the microscope at all times because the total focus is on you and ONLY you.

If you have siblings you arent expected to be both the eldest and youngest child at the same time.....and with that....less double bind messages.

When you do the eldest thing, parents harp that you arent being the youngest. When you do the youngest type thing, they harp that you arent being the eldest.

There are many studies done about birth order (classic Brady Bunch syndrome of Eldest, middle and youngest) and its a great example of what happens in the classic formula.

There are studies done on onlies, but I think there has been less probing into what being an only does or how it operates with family dynamic and psychological affects from it.

This is why Im now curious about double bind messages the onset of schizophrenia and the statistics of how many of those that get schizophrenia due to double bind messages were onlies vs having siblings.

[nikorock28]

I agree.

Im just pointing out that as an only you have dual expectations put on you that people with siblings just wont have.

You are correct that when you have siblings the attention is shifted to whatever is most important at that time, when you're an only everything you do and every move you make is under the microscope at all times because the total focus is on you and ONLY you.

If you have siblings you arent expected to be both the eldest and youngest child at the same time.....and with that....less double bind messages.

When you do the eldest thing, parents harp that you arent being the youngest. When you do the youngest type thing, they harp that you arent being the eldest.

There are many studies done about birth order (classic Brady Bunch syndrome of Eldest, middle and youngest) and its a great example of what happens in the classic formula.

There are studies done on onlies, but I think there has been less probing into what being an only does or how it operates with family dynamic and psychological affects from it.

This is why Im now curious about double bind messages the onset of schizophrenia and the statistics of how many of those that get schizophrenia due to double bind messages were onlies vs having siblings.

Dual expectations certainly are not only confined to people who do not have siblings.

[wordsmith]

Dual expectations certainly are not only confined to people who do not have siblings.

This is what I was saying.

[and1grad]

I agree.

Im just pointing out that as an only you have dual expectations put on you that people with siblings just wont have.

You are correct that when you have siblings the attention is shifted to whatever is most important at that time, when you're an only everything you do and every move you make is under the microscope at all times because the total focus is on you and ONLY you.

If you have siblings you arent expected to be both the eldest and youngest child at the same time.....and with that....less double bind messages.

When you do the eldest thing, parents harp that you arent being the youngest. When you do the youngest type thing, they harp that you arent being the eldest.

There are many studies done about birth order (classic Brady Bunch syndrome of Eldest, middle and youngest) and its a great example of what happens in the classic formula.

There are studies done on onlies, but I think there has been less probing into what being an only does or how it operates with family dynamic and psychological affects from it.

This is why Im now curious about double bind messages the onset of schizophrenia and the statistics of how many of those that get schizophrenia due to double bind messages were onlies vs having siblings.
I'm not under the impression that it would have an effect in terms of schizophrenia but it understandably breeds very independent, or very dependent, people. I think the duality actually helps in some ways especially in terms of understanding different perspectives. Its also not that hard to understand why that kind of duality happens from a parent's perspective..."all your eggs in one basket" and whatnot.

[Ciderhillnh]

And I agreed!
Its the first line in my post!

Im just pointing out that I think only children go through more of it and to a greater degree than those with siblings.

[Ciderhillnh]

And1...let me see if I can find a research article about double bind messages and the creation and connection to schizophrenia. It might shed some light and help with some insight.

I agree that it helps to then have and give perspective from both sides, but its hard to deal with the constant change in messages.

[and1grad]

And1...let me see if I can find a research article about double bind messages and the creation and connection to schizophrenia. It might shed some light and help with some insight.

I agree that it helps to then have and give perspective from both sides, but its hard to deal with the constant change in messages.
Personally, I think LIFE has a constant change in messages. Just as an example, I remember when the NBA used to have the motto "Stay in School...its your best move." A couple years later, they started scouting kids in high school.

[nikorock28]

Personally, I think LIFE has a constant change in messages. Just as an example, I remember when the NBA used to have the motto "Stay in School...its your best move." A couple years later, they started scouting kids in high school.

But, but, but... what about when they show the players at schools reading to children? :rolleyes:

[wordsmith]

People give mixed messages and change the rules all the time, in life. It's def. not confined to parents of only children.

[and1grad]

But, but, but... what about when they show the players at schools reading to children? :rolleyes:
LOL! I always laugh about that. Good thing they're telling those 3rd graders to stay in school.

[Ciderhillnh]

Yes it happens all the time in life...but parents are in contact with children nearly the most and from the start....so its a longer term exposure to double bind messages from parents.

The study that I read was about parental double bind messages and early onset schizophrenia.

[blueyes]

There is a couple of simple solutions to this -

1. You sit down with your parents, as an adult, and you lay it all out. You tell them that you are indeed selectively telling them things b/c you feel that they're hyper-critical about your life and you don't like how that makes you feel. You tell them that you feel that they are contradicing themselves and that confuses you and creates problems. Cite examples. Be prepared for the back-pedaling and double bind messages and whatever else you think they may respond with - mentally walk through the whole discussion prior to having it. And then deal with the consequences - whatever they may be.

2. Don't do a blessed thing. Continue existing like you currently are, and deal with the problems as they come up. Or don't deal.

3. Cut off all communication with your parents.

[nikorock28]

There is a couple of simple solutions to this -

1. You sit down with your parents, as an adult, and you lay it all out. You tell them that you are indeed selectively telling them things b/c you feel that they're hyper-critical about your life and you don't like how that makes you feel. You tell them that you feel that they are contradicing themselves and that confuses you and creates problems. Cite examples. Be prepared for the back-pedaling and double bind messages and whatever else you think they may respond with - mentally walk through the whole discussion prior to having it. And then deal with the consequences - whatever they may be.

2. Don't do a blessed thing. Continue existing like you currently are, and deal with the problems as they come up. Or don't deal.

3. Cut off all communication with your parents.

Yep, those are the only three options.

[and1grad]

Option #2 has Option #1 mixed in periodically.

[Ciderhillnh]

3 isnt an option.....they are my only family and as much as they drive me crazy or are 'toxic' they cant be completely out of my life.

It looks more like it will be option 2.....Ive tried option 1 and weeks/months of their being pissed, giving me looks and generally being unpleasant really isnt worth it.
THey get like that, dont change, dont take me seriously, and whats the point of going through all the drama if NOTHING is ever going to change with them?

[nikorock28]

3 isnt an option.....they are my only family and as much as they drive me crazy or are 'toxic' they cant be completely out of my life.

It looks more like it will be option 2.....Ive tried option 1 and weeks/months of their being pissed, giving me looks and generally being unpleasant really isnt worth it.
THey get like that, dont change, dont take me seriously, and whats the point of going through all the drama if NOTHING is ever going to change with them?

I personally don't think you have tried option 1.

[and1grad]

I personally don't think you have tried option 1.
Why dont you?

[nikorock28]

Why dont you?

1. You sit down with your parents, as an adult, and you lay it all out. You tell them that you are indeed selectively telling them things b/c you feel that they're hyper-critical about your life and you don't like how that makes you feel. You tell them that you feel that they are contradicing themselves and that confuses you and creates problems. Cite examples. Be prepared for the back-pedaling and double bind messages and whatever else you think they may respond with - mentally walk through the whole discussion prior to having it. And then deal with the consequences - whatever they may be.

She hasn't sat down with her parents and layed it all out. She hasn't told them that she is selectively telling them things. She hasn't told them that they are being hyper-critical. She hasn't expressed her feelings. She hasn't told them she is confused about their actions. She hasn't cited examples. She just hasn't.

Based on what I have read from her posts, I just think she hasn't. The issues have been addressed in indirect, not-clear ways. They have never been met head-on. Granted, it probably wouldn't help if they are, in which case Option 2 is the only option.

[Ciderhillnh]

I have not sat down with them on this specific instance no, have I sat down with them previously in my life and had those direct conversations, yes.

How did they turn out? With my being told that I make it all up and put it on myself and they dont do any of it. Im told that I shouldnt feel like that or to just get over it that they are going to tell me what they think anyway and dont care about how I feel.

Thats why I stopped sharing so much in the first place, was I got sick of their judgements and intolerance and telling me what to do when I was grown up.

Since they didnt want to take me seriously or take what I felt or thought into consideration it became well I wont share.

[nikorock28]

I have not sat down with them on this specific instance no, have I sat down with them previously in my life and had those direct conversations, yes.

How did they turn out? With my being told that I make it all up and put it on myself and they dont do any of it. Im told that I shouldnt feel like that or to just get over it that they are going to tell me what they think anyway and dont care about how I feel.

Thats why I stopped sharing so much in the first place, was I got sick of their judgements and intolerance and telling me what to do when I was grown up.

Since they didnt want to take me seriously or take what I felt or thought into consideration it became well I wont share.

Fair enough. To answer your original question, I would not stop sharing with your parents. If they makes faces and shrug and ignore you, well, at least you tried on your part.

[Ciderhillnh]

I havent stopped entirely I just dont share things that might possibly make them do that.

This is where the frustration comes in and why I posted. There is no perfect answer....but

They complain I dont share, I dont share because of their negative reaction. Since they asked me to I tried and got the reaction I pretty much knew was going to occur....if I now stop sharing they are going ot tell me again how Im secretive and dont share.....lather, rinse, repeat.

Its repetitive and annoying and I know there is little I can do about it other than just not share so they cant pull their judgements. I just dont want to hear them complain when I dont.

Im annoyed they tell me Im being secretive, as far as I knew, I was living my life as they have asked me to....independently.

I think part of whats going on is that some of the family told my mom it was odd that she didnt even know if I was still with my BF when a family member asked her outright.
Well she doesnt know because if I share I get looks, or they find something wrong with the guy and brow beat me until it destroys the relationship. So why expose myself and my BF to this?

Its not my fault people find it strange, but I think my mom is blaming me for something SHE has created and is doing. So rather than be introspective about it and see that maybe she needs to ask or talk to me about this stuff more, it was easier to just blame me for not being forthcoming with the information and just telling her....not thinking that the reason I dont tell her is because of how she reacts negatively.

Wow...I feel like Im back in psych looking at case studies and discerning the hows and whys of reactions and thought process...it feels healthy with this approach.

[nikorock28]

I think part of whats going on is that some of the family told my mom it was odd that she didnt even know if I was still with my BF when a family member asked her outright.
Well she doesnt know because if I share I get looks, or they find something wrong with the guy and brow beat me until it destroys the relationship. So why expose myself and my BF to this?


Ummm, say what? I find it VERY ODD that you do not tell your parents whether or not you are still with your present BF. I mean, unless you are dropping relationships like flies. I really do not understand why you wouldn't mention something that is, presumably, a very important part of your life. Yet, you mention a reunion that you went to?? This makes no sense at all. I can see why your mother is giving you looks. I would understand if you never shared anything with them, but you talk about a reunion before who you are in a relationship with. This makes no sense to me.

[Ciderhillnh]

They know about my BF……he came to a wedding with me in June, and to dinner with my family for my Bday in August.

I then didn’t really talk about him again until around Xmas when I asked if he could come to Xmas dinner.

Since then I havent talked about him, until I told my parents I was going to NYC with him to see his mom and sister.

My mom and Dad were surprised and didn’t know if I was still with him.
My response was its only been less than 2 months since we last talked about him, and if anything had changed I would have said something.

I don’t go through relationships like water, Ive been with my current BF for almost 1.5 years.

So they knew about my BF before the reunion I told them about.
I was getting looks because the reunion was in November and I didn’t tell them about it then but showed them a picture from it on Wednesday evening of this week.

My BF doesnt come up in conversation. They dont ask about him, and thus I dont talk about him. I dont feel the need to tell them oh my BF and I went to the movies this weekend......why do they need to know that? The last time we talked about him, he had the same job was living in the same place doing the same things....if any of that changed I might have said something, but I also feel that if they wanted to know they might actually inquire about him.

But they dont ask or say anything about it, so I dont talk about it...dont see the point, they will just be negative about it and frown, find something wrong with him, brow beat me with it until we break up and lather rinse repeat. They have done that with EVERY other guy Ive dated......they find one small thing typically something that isnt even in their control (like where they grew up or what their parents do or how their siblings live) they focus on it hate the guy and in turn treat me like crap for dating him until we break up then they say TOLD YOU SO.

I mean should I tell them each week oh Im still with my BF so they know Im still with him?

[nikorock28]

They know about my BF……he came to a wedding with me in June, and to dinner with my family for my Bday in August.

I then didn’t really talk about him again until around Xmas when I asked if he could come to Xmas dinner.

Since then I havent talked about him, until I told my parents I was going to NYC with him to see his mom and sister.

My mom and Dad were surprised and didn’t know if I was still with him.
My response was its only been less than 2 months since we last talked about him, and if anything had changed I would have said something.

I don’t go through relationships like water, Ive been with my current BF for almost 1.5 years.

So they knew about my BF before the reunion I told them about.
I was getting looks because the reunion was in November and I didn’t tell them about it then but showed them a picture from it on Wednesday evening of this week.

My BF doesnt come up in conversation. They dont ask about him, and thus I dont talk about him. I dont feel the need to tell them oh my BF and I went to the movies this weekend......why do they need to know that? The last time we talked about him, he had the same job was living in the same place doing the same things....if any of that changed I might have said something, but I also feel that if they wanted to know they might actually inquire about him.

But they dont ask or say anything about it, so I dont talk about it...dont see the point, they will just be negative about it and frown, find something wrong with him, brow beat me with it until we break up and lather rinse repeat. They have done that with EVERY other guy Ive dated......they find one small thing typically something that isnt even in their control (like where they grew up or what their parents do or how their siblings live) they focus on it hate the guy and in turn treat me like crap for dating him until we break up then they say TOLD YOU SO.

I mean should I tell them each week oh Im still with my BF so they know Im still with him?

Generally, yes, you should discuss your BF when you talk with them.

EDIT: Not even discuss, but he should be MENTIONED at some point. That seems like the normal thing that would happen. If they were surprised that you are still with your BF, that says a lot.

[Ciderhillnh]

Thats the part I dont seem to understand. So every time I see them (2x per week) Im supposed to say something about him?

Why?

Why is it so important to tell them that we went to a movie, or that we went shopping for cat litter and food for his cat?

I dont even tell them that crap that I do with my friends.....its mundane, not interesting, not worth noting really.

If they asked me on a Sunday night 'hey so what did you do this weekend' I wouldnt mutter nothing and move on....Id tell them but it seems rather odd to be sitting down to dinner and randomly blurt out.......so I went to the movies with my BF!

Yeah....and? There is no point, no real reason to mention it......other than to let them know Im still with him?

Dont most parents ask their kids if they havent heard anything in awhile.....something like
so are you still seeing that person?

I used to mention other BFs, but when I did they would find things to not like about the guy and would torture me about it......so I stopped sharing, to not have to deal with their crap. Plus I really like this guy and want to keep him around......so I didnt want my parents to influence the relationship.

Plus its not like they want to get to know him.....or anyone Ive ever dated. They dont invite them over for dinner or suggest they come along for events......

[nikorock28]

Thats the part I dont seem to understand. So every time I see them (2x per week) Im supposed to say something about him?

Why?

Why is it so important to tell them that we went to a movie, or that we went shopping for cat litter and food for his cat?

I dont even tell them that crap that I do with my friends.....its mundane, not interesting, not worth noting really.

If they asked me on a Sunday night 'hey so what did you do this weekend' I wouldnt mutter nothing and move on....Id tell them but it seems rather odd to be sitting down to dinner and randomly blurt out.......so I went to the movies with my BF!

Yeah....and? There is no point, no real reason to mention it......other than to let them know Im still with him?

Dont most parents ask their kids if they havent heard anything in awhile.....something like
so are you still seeing that person?

I used to mention other BFs, but when I did they would find things to not like about the guy and would torture me about it......so I stopped sharing, to not have to deal with their crap. Plus I really like this guy and want to keep him around......so I didnt want my parents to influence the relationship.

Plus its not like they want to get to know him.....or anyone Ive ever dated. They dont invite them over for dinner or suggest they come along for events......

You don't have to mention him 2 times a week, but to not allude, refer or even mention him for months seems very bizarre indeed.

[wordsmith]

I think it's probably odd if an SO doesn't just automatically come up in the course of regular conversation from time to time.

If I were around somebody who absolutely never mentioned an SO, I wouldn't assume they were with anybody.

[Ciderhillnh]

Maybe it is...but they have driven me to this by being negative before, never liking a single guy Ive dated and always poiting out flaws and making me feel like crap if they did something nice for me.

Ive mentioned on here before that an ex bought me a necklace with a small diamond chip in it....I showed my parents and they sat me down told me how it was a very lavish gift (I was 23 and had been dating the guy for nearly 2.5 YEARS) and that it was a very serious gift and asked how he could afford it and how they didnt feel it was appropriate for him to give it to me.

I couldnt even wear it because when I did the same conversation would happen, so I felt so guilty I nearly had my then bf return it.

Having gone through this with several BFs, decided this time I dont live at home, they dont tell me what to do Ill just share what I have to share (like going to NYC to see his family)

I dont see the need to tell them that I went to the movies or made sandwiches with him....who cares?

I dont even want to share the fun stuff. We went away for the weekend for our year anniversary....I didnt want to tell my parents because I felt they would act like they did about the necklace and just ruin my good time and happy spirit.

They never ask what I do on the weekends, they never ask about my BF......

And my friends, if they dont talk about an SO but I know they had one, I take it to mean they are still togehter until I hear different from them. Which happens typically if they break up

[nikorock28]

Maybe it is...but they have driven me to this by being negative before, never liking a single guy Ive dated and always poiting out flaws and making me feel like crap if they did something nice for me.

Ive mentioned on here before that an ex bought me a necklace with a small diamond chip in it....I showed my parents and they sat me down told me how it was a very lavish gift (I was 23 and had been dating the guy for nearly 2.5 YEARS) and that it was a very serious gift and asked how he could afford it and how they didnt feel it was appropriate for him to give it to me.

I couldnt even wear it because when I did the same conversation would happen, so I felt so guilty I nearly had my then bf return it.

Having gone through this with several BFs, decided this time I dont live at home, they dont tell me what to do Ill just share what I have to share (like going to NYC to see his family)

I dont see the need to tell them that I went to the movies or made sandwiches with him....who cares?

I dont even want to share the fun stuff. We went away for the weekend for our year anniversary....I didnt want to tell my parents because I felt they would act like they did about the necklace and just ruin my good time and happy spirit.

They never ask what I do on the weekends, they never ask about my BF......

And my friends, if they dont talk about an SO but I know they had one, I take it to mean they are still togehter until I hear different from them. Which happens typically if they break up

I don't see anything wrong with their reaction to the necklace. They are your parents, of course they are going to have questions. Obviously, they had the foresight to see that you guys weren't meant to be together... and they were proved right when you eventually broke up. You know, parents generally have a good perspective as to what is good for their children. Not always, but most of the time. Perhaps they don't ask about your BF because you have been through several BF's in the past. Just saying.

[Ciderhillnh]

SO someone does something nice for me and rather than say something nice they shit all over it...thats a normal and acceptable reaction?
To make someone feel so bad about something nice someone did for them that they want to have the person return it?

The guy that gave the necklace to me, we were together for just about 4 YEARS.

When I say Ive had BFs...I mean that Ive had 5 serious more than 1 year relationships since I was 17.
1 year
2 years
1.5 years
almost 4 years
and now 1.5 years and still going on

My parents have NEVER EVER asked about friends or BFs so this isnt something new they just started due to past BFs......they just never ask.

[wordsmith]

SO someone does something nice for me and rather than say something nice they shit all over it...thats a normal and acceptable reaction?

In my opinion, there's nothing normal or acceptable about any of the situation and dynamic with you and your parents, from everything you've ever posted. But the problem is, it's obviously acceptable to you, because it's been the same story for how long? Forever?

[nikorock28]

SO someone does something nice for me and rather than say something nice they shit all over it...thats a normal and acceptable reaction?
To make someone feel so bad about something nice someone did for them that they want to have the person return it?

The guy that gave the necklace to me, we were together for just about 4 YEARS.

When I say Ive had BFs...I mean that Ive had 5 serious more than 1 year relationships since I was 17.
1 year
2 years
1.5 years
almost 4 years
and now 1.5 years and still going on

My parents have NEVER EVER asked about friends or BFs so this isnt something new they just started due to past BFs......they just never ask.

Yes, it is normal and acceptable if they don't like the guy.
Five serious relationships since you were 17! How old are you? You said you dated everyone you could for one yr, so, this means you are 28 right?
Don't you ever just take a break and have some "me" time?

[Ciderhillnh]

Im 26.

I dated M from 1996 - 1997 (so I was actually 16 sorry)
Single that summer
Then from Fall of 1997 - Summer of 1999 dated J
Single that summer
fall 1999 - Spring 2001 dated C
Single from March 2001 to February 2002
February 2002 - October 2005 dated A

Then late Oct 2005 - present dating B

All those times I was single I was either single or dating randomly or for a few weeks/months casually nothing serious.

[nikorock28]

Im 26.

I dated M from 1996 - 1997 (so I was actually 16 sorry)
Single that summer
Then from Fall of 1997 - Summer of 1999 dated J
Single that summer
fall 1999 - Spring 2001 dated C
Single from March 2001 to February 2002
February 2002 - October 2005 dated A

Then late Oct 2005 - present dating B

All those times I was single I was either single or dating randomly or for a few weeks/months casually nothing serious.

What is the longest length of time that you have gone without a date? Just curious.

[Ciderhillnh]

Maybe 1 - 2 months.

Before you go and tell me that I should take time to get to know myself single.....I know myself very well and have from a very young age. Ive always been very solid in my personality and who I am and what I like dont like etc.

I had TONS and TONS of me time growing up simply because I had no friends, compound that with being an only child, and you learn about yourself very fast (Ive been told this by the shrink I saw when I was a kid and with shrinks since)----because of my knowing who I was at a young age, I didnt need a group around me to be comfortable, and being that headstrong made others jealous which would in turn typically make them make fun of me because they were insecure where I never was, or was really good at not showing it if I was.

I have turned down dates, I dont date just anyone who asks. And during the times that I was single, I might have gone on dates, but it was never anything more than movies or dinner, and I wasnt randomly hooking up or sleeping around.

But if someone fun and interesting asked me out or I asked them out and they said yes, Id go for it. Always keep my options open and be open to experiences and opportunities.

I just wouldnt get serious or into another relationship until I was mentally ready.

[wordsmith]

So, the reason that you didn't have any friends as a child was because they were all jealous that you knew yourself so well?

[nikorock28]

Maybe 1 - 2 months.

Before you go and tell me that I should take time to get to know myself single.....I know myself very well and have from a very young age. Ive always been very solid in my personality and who I am and what I like dont like etc.

I had TONS and TONS of me time growing up simply because I had no friends, compound that with being an only child, and you learn about yourself very fast (Ive been told this by the shrink I saw when I was a kid and with shrinks since)----because of my knowing who I was at a young age, I didnt need a group around me to be comfortable, and being that headstrong made others jealous which would in turn typically make them make fun of me because they were insecure where I never was, or was really good at not showing it if I was.

I have turned down dates, I dont date just anyone who asks. And during the times that I was single, I might have gone on dates, but it was never anything more than movies or dinner, and I wasnt randomly hooking up or sleeping around.

But if someone fun and interesting asked me out or I asked them out and they said yes, Id go for it. Always keep my options open and be open to experiences and opportunities.

I just wouldnt get serious or into another relationship until I was mentally ready.

Whoa there Cowgirl, I just asked a simple question because I was curious. Stay POSITIVE. We must not go the NEGATIVE, but the POSITIVE. There are opportunities everywhere.

[nikorock28]

So, the reason that you didn't have any friends as a child was because they were all jealous that you knew yourself so well?

The kids she grew up around were quite sophisticated. I was jealous of the Sandy Alomar Jr. Rookie Card that my classmate had. And the beef jerky.

[Ciderhillnh]

Words....I didnt say it was the only reason, but it was one of them.
As explained to me by the shrink.......when people are growing up and developing their personalities they try on 'different hats' to fit into different groups and find out what suits them best.
They go along with the group as to not be outcast, and sometimes that means compromising a bit of who they are to remain friends with these people.

This is by no means EVERYONE you ever meet, but most people in middle and high school go through this phase, some for longer than others etc.

Personally, I never tried on 'hats' never needed to. I knew what I liked, what I didnt, and I wouldnt pretend to not like something just because I was made fun of for it or whatever, because of my being head strong and steadfast with this, people tended to not like me because I was confident even when being beat down by teasing etc.

This is a topic much easier explained in person, but thats a very basic and quick synopsis.

Nik----I was trying to beat you to the punch of the road it seemed you were trying to walk down with your question.

[wordsmith]

No offense, but that sounds pretty normal. Kids who are individuals/non-herd mentality always get picked on at some point in time.

[Ciderhillnh]

But typically those kids form their own group of friends and clique because they are similar, like similar things etc.

When I say picked on....I dont mean at some point in time.....I started being picked on when I was 5, and it didnt end until I graduated high school. I never had a clique or group of friends, not even A friend or A best friend....I walked around alone.
Never had anyone to eat lunch with, call at night, walk to class with or do things after school with.
I went to my high school graduation alone, was booed when I was walking to get my diploma, and went home alone.

Though I did go to the all night graduation party....though I went to that alone and wandered around alone the entire night as well.

So it wasnt some short random spurt when I was in middle school.......

[wordsmith]

See, and that sounds to me like there's more to it than, "I just did my own thing, and people hated me for it." I did my own thing, too, and got picked on and ostracized by a clique for a couple of years of junior high over it (like most kids do)...but for something to be an entire youth-spanning issue to me sounds like something more is going on.

[Ciderhillnh]

And as I first posted today in response to your post from the weekend, it was one reason, not all of them.

But I think it was the largest one, since the shrink I went to pointed it out when I was 12......right in the middle of it going on.

As for when I was a kid....I know I was outcast because I had braces and glasses when no one else did, and because of that I looked different, because of the pretentious town I lived in, looking or being different then your peers meant being outcast. So thus I was outcast early on.

And just to cite that it was mostly my town that was the issue....I went to summer camp, and had plenty of friends there. I had outside activities that didnt involve people from my town, and I had friends there as well.....

So between my being independent and my town being obnoxious I think thats the bulk of the reason.

If it was something about me personally, you would think I would have been made fun of etc when I did activities or summer camp as well.

[cheshrcarol]

If you had no friends, what about the boyfriend you had at 15 or 16 or whatever it was?

[Ciderhillnh]

Yes I had a boyfriend.......still doesnt mean I had friends.

And he took a HUGE amount of slack for dating me, he started to be teased and his friends dropped him.
Eventually he only had his 2 good friends by his side, and at that point they too were sick of being teased for associating with him and thus were linked to me.....so they convinced him to dump me.

After he dumped me, people cheered him on for hurting me and making me look like a fool. He gained all his friends back and when any of them saw me around school they would tease me about how the guy had just used me and it was a big show at my expense and for their entertainment.