First time dealing with death in the family

[hoodie]

My aunt passed away Thursday night from brain cancer. They took her off chemo only a week and a half ago. I am really busy and when I am occupied, I am doing just fine, but when I get by myself, I can't stop thinking about it. I've never dealt with a death in my family, especially not a 45 year old who was doing fine just a year ago. The cancer was sudden and really agressive.

I feel so so bad for my uncle; she was his world. Both his kids are grown and live far away, so when there isn't someone in the family like my dad or one of the other brothers visiting, he is all alone. He'd been through two divorces and finally met her, and we loved her because she was good to him and just plain fun to be around. She was sweet, funny, and so vibrant, always smiling. I know people are dying all over the place, but there is going to be a definite hole in our family, missing her. What a great lady.

It shakes a lot of the things I believed about love...I used my aunt and uncle as an example of how no matter how much crap you have been through trying to find someone, that there is a person out there who is fantastic for you and makes you happy. I never thought of the possibility of finding that person than losing them after only six years of happiness. That really bugs me inside, thinking about it.

I know this was pretty stream-of-consciousness, but this is really on my mind this week. It hurts and I've never been through anything quite like this. I'm a little scared for Monday and Tuesday because with the wake and funeral, I will not be able to distract myself with business. I will be IN IT and forced to deal with it head on....

[veniqe]

I am so, so very sorry to hear about your loss. Wishing you and your family all the strength you need. Death is never nice and especially not if it's the first time you deal with it. Just at least give yourself some period of mourning. It wouldn't be a good idea to keep all your feelings bottled up. Go well.

[WorkInProgress]

I am so sorry for your loss. (((hugs))) And I'm very sorry that don't have something more comforting to say.

[mishl982]

(((HUGS))) Sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of you and your family.

[Krishna]

I was OK during the day when i was busy, but at night, when it was quiet, I fell apart. For about a week I slept with a DVD playing all night, just to try to stop myself from thinking as I went to sleep...

[LakeJay]

I'm sorry. There is never a right thing to say at this time but I will try to say the same things I said when my friend lost his mother unexpectedly. Don't hold back these next few days. It hurts a lot and a lot of it is because you shared so many good moments with your aunt. You miss her and you miss those times but always be glad you had them. It's going to be tough for a while but don't hold back on your emotions. You have people you can lean on just like they have you to lean on as well. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family through during this difficult time.

[yankeeyosh]

{{{{{{hoodie}}}}}}

I am very sorry for your loss :( I had four deaths in my family over the course of a year, when I was away in Fla., and three of them occurred in less than three months' time. So I know what it's like. My only advice is to just try to think about the good times you had...remember she loved you...and as LakeJay said, don't hold back your emotions.

[Rusalka]

Really sorry to hear about your loss, Hoodie. I hope the funeral will be a helpful way for you and your family to say goodbye. And as everyone says, give yourself time to grieve for your aunt. that's so important.

[Bocheezu]

Death changes us all. Without question.

I was working one day and got out of a meeting and had a message on my machine. It was my mom, she was absolutely frantic. "I'm...not...leaving the hospital until you call." Oh god, I thought, just let my dad still be alive. He wasn't. He went out for a walk and collapsed on my parent's front patio. I remember going to the hospital and just seeing him laying there on the gurney, just completely limp and lifeless. I touched his forehead and it was already cold and rubbery. Frankly, it was without a doubt, the most absolutely horrifying moment of my life.

It was the Thursday after Mother's Day, and I'd just saw him that Sunday when we took my mom out to eat. My dad, by and large, was pretty acerbic and depressed after he retired. He really didn't have any hobbies and was kinda lost. But he was smiling and happy that day. And that's how I'll remember him.

My dad's death brought a whirlwind of change. Mom had to sell our old house, where our family lived for 30 years, and move into a condo. For me personally, there was just a complete void. Dad was the answer man. If you had a problem, if you had a question, Dad always had all the answers. And I was just starting to come into my own when he passed. I'd been owning my own home for six months. I sure wish I had some answers now.

The only thing you can do is to try to keep busy and keep your mind off things. I worked all day and played computer games all evening. There really are no words. I spent a lot of time with my mom and we spent a majority of it just sitting there staring at each other. Sometimes that's all you can do.

[wordsmith]

I also didn't have to deal with a family death until last summer. Anybody else in my close family died when I was too young to remember. I'm kind of glad to have been able to deal with that stuff as an adult than as a kid or teen, though. I'm really sorry for your loss.

[Winter Storm]

I'm also sorry to hear about yours and your family's loss.

[hoodie]

Thank you so much, you guys. It was a really tough four days, lots of emotional swings in all directions for a lot of people I care for. One thing that stood out to me throughout this whole thing is that even though it is horrible to lose someone you love, loss is a catalyst for people coming together. I saw people I never expected to see at this wake and funeral; my family and extended family feels closer-knit than ever, and there are ripples of support all over the place in extended networks, like this one for instance, that have made me feel so much better inside. Grief is a tough thing to endure, and I am enduring it alongside the rest of my family, but it does open a window to see goodness in other people and appreciate them while they're around. Thank you, everyone who posted.

[pisces2473]

Thank you so much, you guys. It was a really tough four days, lots of emotional swings in all directions for a lot of people I care for. One thing that stood out to me throughout this whole thing is that even though it is horrible to lose someone you love, loss is a catalyst for people coming together. I saw people I never expected to see at this wake and funeral; my family and extended family feels closer-knit than ever, and there are ripples of support all over the place in extended networks, like this one for instance, that have made me feel so much better inside. Grief is a tough thing to endure, and I am enduring it alongside the rest of my family, but it does open a window to see goodness in other people and appreciate them while they're around. Thank you, everyone who posted.
Hoodie, I'm going to PM you.

[wordsmith]

This was exactly my experience when my grandfather died, hoodie...It was horribly sad, but at the same time, extended family I hadn't seen all together in years, including a whole bunch of second and third cousins and their kids, who are really, really cool people were around, and that was actually super nice and comforting and neat.

[ebruening]

I am so sorry for your loss, hoodie. I haven't had to experience a death in the family for a few years, but it's never easy.

[beeblebrox]

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my grandma this summer after her bout with lung cancer. For me, her death was the first death of a really close family member. I had gone to the funerals of her sisters and cousins, but when she died it brought it home to me. It's weird that she's not around anymore. Just weird I guess.