Random dating tips

[PenforPrez]

Just wanted to throw this out there.

I received a lot of unsolicited dating advice at a party I was at last night, focused directly at me. Here's the suggestions that I remember:

New hairdo
Day spa treatment
Buy a Brooks Brothers suit
New car
New shoes
Date a middle-aged, overweight woman
Solicit a prostitute (which I refuse to do under any circumstances)

Thoughts? :)

Paul

[emmyb]

I think those are good dating tips if you are interested in dating someone shallow who is only into looks or material things (minus the middle aged overweigh woman - what is that about? or the prostitute).

I hope these people were joking....

[Krishna]

Thoughts? :)

My thought is that whoever told you those things was a moron.

[PenforPrez]

I think those are good dating tips if you are interested in dating someone shallow who is only into looks or material things (minus the middle aged overweigh woman - what is that about? or the prostitute).

I hope these people were joking....

The person did not know me very well. I just sat there and nodded appropriately. ;)

"Yeah. Yeah. Uh huh."

Paul

[SpaceMonkey]

I think you should combine numbers 2 and 7 and take a prostitute to a day spa.

...maybe in a new car. And the prostitute should be middle-aged and overweight.

[PenforPrez]

I think you should combine numbers 2 and 7 and take a prostitute to a day spa.

That sounds prohibitively expensive! :p

[NewMrs.]

Just wanted to throw this out there.

I received a lot of unsolicited dating advice at a party I was at last night, focused directly at me. Here's the suggestions that I remember:

New hairdo
Day spa treatment
Buy a Brooks Brothers suit
New car
New shoes
Date a middle-aged, overweight woman
Solicit a prostitute (which I refuse to do under any circumstances)

Thoughts? :)

Paul


This sounds like something from the eight grade!

Seriously, when I was in the eight grade this guy at my junior high school liked me but I didn't like him back. Nobody did. This girl in my study hall helped me to write this letter that she said I should give to him explaining why neither I nor any other girl in our school was attracted to him. It included something alone the lines of "If you want a girl to like you, you should get a new haircut, new clothes, and brush your teeth." One of our teachers intercepted the letter and tore it up before I could give it to him.

Yeah, I think that the person who wrote this list was a dumbass who was still stuck in the eight grade at some level.

[NewMrs.]

I think those are good dating tips if you are interested in dating someone shallow who is only into looks or material things (minus the middle aged overweigh woman - what is that about? or the prostitute).

I hope these people were joking....


Was this dating advice, or advice on how to get laid?

[PenforPrez]

Was this dating advice, or advice on how to get laid?

Dating advice, ostensibly.

[Taza Tikha]

1. Don't act crazy. Few people are excited about getting involved with the crazy.

2. Be yourself. But only if you can do that and still fulfill the first rule.

3. Shower daily. With soap. And a washrag.

[PenforPrez]

3. Shower daily. With soap. And a washrag.

Damn! I knew I'd forgotten something!! :huge: :p

[dengeist]

Sounds like someone was "taking a piss" as the British say. But after a roasting like that, I'd be seriously rethinking my company.

The day spa thing was "ehh", everything else was progressively out of line. Sounds kind of like you got wolf packed.

[spokes]

JBuy a Brooks Brothers suit
Solicit a prostitute (which I refuse to do under any circumstances)

Thoughts? :)

Paul

my thoughts are:

1. unless you are dating the daughter of one of the Brooks Brothers any brand of suit should work as well as another

2. soliciting a prostitiute will not get you a date, it will get you laid once you provide the requisite amount of cash.....

[veniqe]

Yeah but are you looking for a potential girlfriend or do you just want a "random" date? If it's the latter, I'd say spruce up your appearance. But just a bit. Don't wear stripes with stripes. Girls don't like uni brows or chino's or chino's with trainers. My list is quite extensive so I'll stop here. :)


Work on your personality. Are you too nice? Find out why it is you haven't really had a date/girlfriend for a while and work on it.


Best advice; however, is to just chill. Don't take it too seriously. Tired cliche time, folks! "Love will find you when you least expect it" And it'll be someone who won't expect you to buy her a 2carat engagement ring.


This is only my opinion. It's not the same for everyone.

[PenforPrez]

Yeah but are you looking for a potential girlfriend or do you just want a "random" date? If it's the latter, I'd say spruce up your appearance. But just a bit. Don't wear stripes with stripes. Girls don't like uni brows or chino's or chino's with trainers. My list is quite extensive so I'll stop here. :)

I'm looking for a girlfriend, preferably one who knows I'm crazy and can live with that. :p Problem is, all the women who want/are capable of a long-term relationship are already in one. :rolleyes:

The advice was given on the assumption of the giver that I should change what I'm looking for. I should be living for "now," according to them. Well, I'm sorry, my now generally sucks.

I wouldn't mind a new haircut. But as I've said before, I don't even know the name of a haircut in style. :redface:


Work on your personality. Are you too nice? Find out why it is you haven't really had a date/girlfriend for a while and work on it.

I know I'm too nice. Even when I'm angry, I'm too conciliatory. I'm a man of guilt. If I feel I've gone too far, I'll worry that I've upset somebody and made them less likely to want to be with me. Of course, it's never that; it's always something else. ;)

I haven't had a date because I can't meet anybody single and willing to go out. It's that plain and simple. Always some excuse. I'm busy/I'm seeing two people/You're not my type/You'll make somebody else a happy woman/I'm on my period/Insert excuse here. Rinse. Repeat.

Geography works against me, as it does for a few of us here. You can only do the best you can in that situation. It's never good enough, but that's what it is. Without taking up drinking, there's very little I can do. I refuse to drink, and I think that's a strike against me. I don't care; I don't drink because I'd end up an alcoholic. Besides, I hate dealing with drunks and it's a lot cheaper not to. :)

And it'll be someone who won't expect you to buy her a 2carat engagement ring.

They're going to be waiting awhile for that. :p

Paul

[wordsmith]

I am confident I've never in my life dated a man who would set foot in a day spa.

[CTGirl]

I haven't had a date because I can't meet anybody single and willing to go out. It's that plain and simple. Always some excuse. I'm busy/I'm seeing two people/You're not my type/You'll make somebody else a happy woman/I'm on my period/Insert excuse here. Rinse. Repeat.


Sounds to me like women are giving you a taste of your own medicine here, you're the king of excuses.

[WorkInProgress]

I am confident I've never in my life dated a man who would set foot in a day spa.

Heh. Just a couplefew miles from my house, a Men's Spa just opened. They do everything a regular spa does, but it (from the outside) looks like it has more of a barbershop feel to it. They give good haircuts (at barbershop prices, not salon prices). I'm probably going to get a GC for my brother for his birthday so he can get a massage or something.

[wordsmith]

None of the men in my family will touch a salon. Must be an honest to God barbershop.

[veniqe]

A very good friend and her SO regularly go to day spa's. I give my boyfriend pedicures and tweeze his eyebrows. I'm just thanking him cause he ordered me to get rid of MY uni brow! And another male friend asked me where he can get a full body wax. As if he can't Google! Anyway. I looked it up for him and told him where to go. Hmmm. I'll have to ask how it went!

[WorkInProgress]

None of the men in my family will touch a salon. Must be an honest to God barbershop.

My dad's like that, although I think after his most recent haircut at his regular place was really bad, he's more willing to try this new place, where my brother has gotten two good haircuts (but thus far, only haircuts, not any of their other services).

[PenforPrez]

Sounds to me like women are giving you a taste of your own medicine here, you're the king of excuses.

Excuses are all I've ever gotten, though.

[CTGirl]

Excuses are all I've ever gotten, though.

And there's yet another excuse. I've told you this before dude, excuses are gonna get you nothing, and as they say "2 wrongs dont make a right"

[cache]

None of the men in my family will touch a salon. Must be an honest to God barbershop.

I tried a salon. I thought I would get a high quality haircut. Ended up getting some head massage that the guy told me was patented. He said after the massage, I would have no stress in my body whatsoever. :rolleyes:

I still like haircuts from my barber in Cleveland more than anything.



And Paul, I don't know how you listen to crap like that. I think I would have made it through one, mayube two of those comments before throwing out my own observations...

[PenforPrez]

And there's yet another excuse. I've told you this before dude, excuses are gonna get you nothing, and as they say "2 wrongs dont make a right"

I'm just telling it like it is; it's not a "chicken or the egg" argument. I'm just sick of dealing with excuses, but yet I keep trying.

Paul

[asm198]

Appearance is important, but I don't think you have to be all GQ to get a date. I wouldn't be able to tell a Brooks Brothers suit from any other brand of suit. I think that grooming eyebrows is somewhat important and a nice haircut is good, but I couldn't tell you what styles for men are 'in' at the moment. My fiance cuts his hair himself, but he's mostly bald, so there's no real point to pay someone to do what he can do with some clippers.

[CTGirl]

I'm just telling it like it is; it's not a "chicken or the egg" argument. I'm just sick of dealing with excuses, but yet I keep trying.

Paul

You get what you give.

[cheshrcarol]

The only thing I'd say might be a good idea is the haircut. I always think getting a new, updated look can make you look better plus make you more confident. What did she mean by spa treatment? As in you should pamper yourself, or you should wax your unibrow or chest or something? Honestly, it depends on how much grooming you need. Not every girl is into the metrosexual look. Other than that, those suggestions are pretty ridiculous.

[WorkInProgress]

The only thing I'd say might be a good idea is the haircut. I always think getting a new, updated look can make you look better plus make you more confident. What did she mean by spa treatment? As in you should pamper yourself, or you should wax your unibrow or chest or something? Honestly, it depends on how much grooming you need. Not every girl is into the metrosexual look. Other than that, those suggestions are pretty ridiculous.

I agree.

[Chameleon]

I'm curious about the "no alcohol" stance. This is probably too personal a question but do you have an addictive personality or a history of alcoholism in your family?

I'm glad you are getting out and going to parties, but I confused about how this happened. How did your dating life become the topic of conversation in the group for what sounds like a significant length of time? Were these suggests all from one person? Were these good friends of yours? Were they joking?

[asm198]

It amuses me when men think they need to wax their chests or backs. I think it's ok for guys to have some hair.

[Chameleon]

It amuses me when men think they need to wax their chests or backs. I think it's ok for guys to have some hair.
I don't like masses of body hair, some women clearly do or don't mind it. I think guys should keep their hair so they can eliminate the ladies that don't like it and the ladies that don't like it won't have to worry that the dude is going to stop shaving his back 6 months - 5 years into the relationship. :razz:

[PenforPrez]

The only thing I'd say might be a good idea is the haircut. I always think getting a new, updated look can make you look better plus make you more confident. What did she mean by spa treatment? As in you should pamper yourself, or you should wax your unibrow or chest or something? Honestly, it depends on how much grooming you need. Not every girl is into the metrosexual look. Other than that, those suggestions are pretty ridiculous.

It sounded like a metrosexual thing to me, too, and I'm just not. I'm too old-fashioned and hard-edged to pull that look off. I don't know why the day spa was suggested, but either way, it is prohibitively expensive for me. I don't have a unibrow, and I'm not waxing my chest.

Paul

[cheshrcarol]

I don't have a unibrow, and I'm not waxing my chest.LOL


a'sldj;aljdf

[KCboy]

None of the men in my family will touch a salon. Must be an honest to God barbershop.

I'm going to my first in 3 weeks :0

I just need a change in hairstyle, something I don't trust Great Clips for.

And for $25 instead of $15, seems worth it for a try

[inmediasres]

I need to do something with my hair too...it's bad.

Can you just go into one of these nice places and say, "I need help!!!" and they will find something that works?

I just need someone to tell me what to do/what looks good.

[WorkInProgress]

I need to do something with my hair too...it's bad.

Can you just go into one of these nice places and say, "I need help!!!" and they will find something that works?

I just need someone to tell me what to do/what looks good.

Yep. The stylist/barber definitely should tell you what they'd like to do, and why. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask those questions. I would, if I didn't know what I wanted.

[asm198]

I'm female, but I've done that so many times. In fact, the last time I went in for a haircut, I told the stylist that I despised what my hair looked like and it needed to go. I told him how short I was willing to go and that I need layers around the face, and let him run wild. It ended up being one of the best cuts I ever had and as soon as my wedding is over, I'm definitely getting the style again.

[PenforPrez]

I'm curious about the "no alcohol" stance. This is probably too personal a question but do you have an addictive personality or a history of alcoholism in your family?

It's a little of both. I know that with my personality, I'd be at risk for alcoholism. That and my parents had serious problems when I was very little from heavy drinking. That type of thing at an impressionable age leaves quite an indelible mark.

I'm glad you are getting out and going to parties, but I confused about how this happened. How did your dating life become the topic of conversation in the group for what sounds like a significant length of time? Were these suggests all from one person? Were these good friends of yours? Were they joking?

It was in a discussion between me and two other people I know in the group. We had gotten on to it somehow, I don't know how now. The suggestions were from one person, but not in jest.

Paul

[CTGirl]

Yep. The stylist/barber definitely should tell you what they'd like to do, and why. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask those questions. I would, if I didn't know what I wanted.

Oh yeah, the place I go now (thanks pisces!) is great like that. I never really know what I want, I thought about cutting it short even, but the people there wouldnt allow me to, lol, and gave me a great layered cut instead.

[BadKitty]

I know I'm too nice. Even when I'm angry, I'm too conciliatory. I'm a man of guilt. If I feel I've gone too far, I'll worry that I've upset somebody and made them less likely to want to be with me. Of course, it's never that; it's always something else. ;)

Paul

I didn't realize I guy can be too nice to be datable. Since when is that a deal-breaker?

[Chameleon]

I didn't realize I guy can be too nice to be datable. Since when is that a deal-breaker?
Since forever, I think. "too nice" is usually synonymous with not being decisive and letting people walk all over you, it's only a "good" pairing if the woman is dominant/controlling enough to want to run the guy's life for him. Plenty dysfunctional, but compatible.

[BadKitty]

Since forever, I think. "too nice" is usually synonymous with not being decisive and letting people walk all over you, it's only a "good" pairing if the woman is dominant/controlling enough to want to run the guy's life for him. Plenty dysfunctional, but compatible.


Yeah, I can see how “too nice” can be an euphemism for “spineless”.

[wordsmith]

Too nice is also often a euphemism for clingy.

[WorkInProgress]

Since forever, I think. "too nice" is usually synonymous with not being decisive and letting people walk all over you, it's only a "good" pairing if the woman is dominant/controlling enough to want to run the guy's life for him. Plenty dysfunctional, but compatible.

Basically. I think it's a confusing euphemism, because it sounds too much like "nice" is not good, when "nice" is just fine but "doormat" is not (excepting situations like the one described above).

EDIT: Wow, major cross-post there.

[BadKitty]

Too nice is also often a euphemism for clingy.

Definitely not good.

[weary]

Yeah, I can see how “too nice” can be an euphemism for “spineless”.
that's what came to mind when i read it. i dated a guy who's way of asking me out again was "so when do want to see me again?". it was cute that he was a little shy when we first started hanging out, but i knew he had enough balls to ask me out b/c he had to track me down to come after me for our first date. and he wasn't that way when we were actually together, so that cute/shy sh*t w/ "do you want to see me" was for the birds, and i told him so. if YOU want to see ME, then say so, and i'll accept or i won't. but don't be a punk about it.

[weary]

oh and paul, all those suggestions are ridiculous. who the hell were these ppl anyway? and how did you have enough patience not to say, GFYS to him/her/them?

[Syracuse]

that's what came to mind when i read it. i dated a guy who's way of asking me out again was "so when do want to see me again?". it was cute that he was a little shy when we first started hanging out, but i knew he had enough balls to ask me out b/c he had to track me down to come after me for our first date. and he wasn't that way when we were actually together, so that cute/shy sh*t w/ "do you want to see me" was for the birds, and i told him so. if YOU want to see ME, then say so, and i'll accept or i won't. but don't be a punk about it.
Come on give shy guys a chance, geez you girls don't know how hard you make it. Evil girls . . . :evil:

[BadKitty]

that's what came to mind when i read it. i dated a guy who's way of asking me out again was "so when do want to see me again?". it was cute that he was a little shy when we first started hanging out, but i knew he had enough balls to ask me out b/c he had to track me down to come after me for our first date. and he wasn't that way when we were actually together, so that cute/shy sh*t w/ "do you want to see me" was for the birds, and i told him so. if YOU want to see ME, then say so, and i'll accept or i won't. but don't be a punk about it.

Yeah, I’ve dealt with a guy with similar behavior. The kicker is he would claim that he was sensitive, emotional, and would complain about others’ hurtful behavior, but would hurt people immensely precisely because of his inability to grow a sack. Being shy in itself is not a deal breaker for me. Unless it’s to the degree described by weary.

I have also noticed that sometimes when some women say that someone is “too nice”, they mean precisely that, and are then crushed when their bad-ass biker boyfriend cheats on them.

Pen, these dating tips you were offered, are crap. Especially, the suit and the middle-aged woman bits. :mad:

[weary]

Come on give shy guys a chance, geez you girls don't know how hard you make it. Evil girls . . . :evil:
if you've already hung out w/ a girl 6+ times and talk to her on the phone regularly, is it really that hard to ask her on another date? obviously she's interested if she's accepted all your other invites and intiated a few of her own. that's what i'm saying here. i in no way think a dude has to do all the asking or initiating...but when he does, he better man up!! :p

[embrassezla]

My SO has made similar comments to his friend, and maybe they are blunt (Pull up your pants, get your teeth fixed), but he really is just trying to help. I don't think the idea is to be metrosexual, but to do things that are the most flattering. You don't have to buy (or wear?) a suit, but stylish, flattering clothing is never a bad idea. And I can't help but feel like if you want to maximize your chance for finding someone, you HAVE TO pay attention to your looks, at least in some capacity. It doesn't have to be drastic.

[KCboy]

I appreciate it when people let me know of my shortcomings (bad haircut, crap in my teeth, ugly shirt, etc) when they actually want to help. How are we suppose to know how other see us if we don't accept input?

But I don't think any of that advise was very constructive

[CTGirl]

Come on give shy guys a chance, geez you girls don't know how hard you make it. Evil girls . . . :evil:

I'm all for shy guys, but they've gotta have some balls (excuse my language)

Whining like this is not gonna score you any points with any but the most insecure of girls. I've had a couple guys try this "oh, I'm so pitiful, feel bad for me" thing lately - SO does not work.

[Syracuse]

I'm all for shy guys, but they've gotta have some balls (excuse my language)

Whining like this is not gonna score you any points with any but the most insecure of girls. I've had a couple guys try this "oh, I'm so pitiful, feel bad for me" thing lately - SO does not work.
Man they're not "trying" nothing, just complaining about the reality. Yeah and it doesn't work I know, that's why I keep my bitching to this anonymous site and definitely not to girls I might be interested in.

[PenforPrez]

if you've already hung out w/ a girl 6+ times and talk to her on the phone regularly, is it really that hard to ask her on another date?

I just wish I could get a girl to hang out with me six times before she gets old enough for Social Security. :googly: Nobody ever has time.

Paul

[KCboy]

I've had a couple guys try this "oh, I'm so pitiful, feel bad for me" thing lately - SO does not work.

you probably just spend too much time on here with us

[CTGirl]

you probably just spend too much time on here with us

Man they're not "trying" nothing, just complaining about the reality. Yeah and it doesn't work I know, that's why I keep my bitching to this anonymous site and definitely not to girls I might be interested in.

I was not specifically referring to the guys here in my statment, I do interact with males in real life too :exclaim:

And yeah, I've had 3 guys in the past month try this strategy on me, and Syracuse's comment reminded me of that. I did not mean to imply that Syracuse was trying that, although I see that I did make it sound that way, it's just that a whiney attitude seeps through to the girls you actually are trying to get with, whether you know it or not.

[Syracuse]

I was not specifically referring to the guys here in my statment, I do interact with males in real life too :exclaim:

And yeah, I've had 3 guys in the past month try this strategy on me, and Syracuse's comment reminded me of that. I did not mean to imply that Syracuse was trying that, although I see that I did make it sound that way, it's just that a whiney attitude seeps through to the girls you actually are trying to get with, whether you know it or not.
And I wish it did work, because that's the reality, and I wish I could be myself. But I understand that women want a "strong man" it's only natural you know.

[CTGirl]

And I wish it did work, because that's the reality, and I wish I could be myself. But I understand that women want a "strong man" it's only natural you know.

No, women want a "real" man, and one who is psychologically healthy and satisfied with his life. This is something everyone can achieve, while still being "yourself" - it's just being the best version of yourself.

(and btw, I dont know how that crazy exclamation point got in my last post, I did not intedn it to be there, and it makes my post look kinda angry, lol)

[Ciderhillnh]

Good dating advice? Make small advances, get comfortable with the girl, make silly jokes, FLIRT!!!!!

Dates are not hard to come by if you talk to people and find common ground with them and persue it.
That doesnt mean it will turn into a relationship, and it might just end up being a single date....but its still something.

Reading your posts, the red flag that is raised for me is about your absolute about drinking.
While I understand where you are coming from and support your decision to not drink, even from your post Im getting the feeling that if a group were going to a bar you wouldnt go simply because it was a bar.
I can tell you that with myself and my friends (both male and female) we would support your choice to not drink and would buy you cokes, sprite or water all night long......if you came out with us.
If you wouldnt come out, it would be difficult to get to a certain level with you because we would feel you were judging us for going out and drinking.
Though if you came out and didnt drink but hung out with us, we wouldnt feel that way.

Are you very vocal about your not drinking? That might also be a put off to those you are talking to or encountering.

You also stated how you always get excuses.......do you ask out any girl that you speak to, or are you selective and ask out those that show interest back to you?

If you're asking out anyone before you even have an indication that they might be interested, you might be getting excuses because its too soon or too strong that you ask so quickly.

If a girl is flirting back and showing interest (even if its the first time you meet her) then its a good plan to ask for a phone number or casually ask if they want to get together at another point.

[Syracuse]

I agree about the not drinking thing, that can be annoying, I mean I have friends that won't do anything with me if drinking is involved in anyway. You don't have to drink, just have a coke or whatever, no one really cares. It's just a social lubricant, as long as done responsibility.

[wordsmith]

People who don't drink don't bother me. People who won't go anywhere where there is drinking do, typically.

[Ciderhillnh]

Thank you! Glad to know Im not the only one who feels like that.

Hell most times if someone comes out that wont drink, Ill have cokes with them as an act of solidarity.

Words thats exactly what I said...dont care if you dont drink, thats your choice, but if you wont come out to places where there is drinking, its an issue.

And I also dont like that people assume that if you go to the bar (or a party or whatever) with your friends you're going to be dealing with a bunch of drunks......not everyone goes to the bar to get wasted.

[mishl982]

People who don't drink don't bother me. People who won't go anywhere where there is drinking do, typically.
Agreed, although there are exceptions. Such as if someone is seriously trying to cut back and knows that it'll be too tempting to drink at a bar.

[cache]

I gotta disagree with this most recent line. There are plenty of people who will not go neart alcohol because of the temptation. One of my roommates once was a recovering alcoholic(who kept that private), and he was that way. And another friend had a dad who was alcoholic, and he was afraid of going down the same road, so he stayed away form anywhere where people were drinking.

You can't hold that against people.

[Ciderhillnh]

If you are a recovering alcoholic of course its understandable.

But even if your parent is a serious alcoholic and you are scared to go down that path, and you avoid all activities that might possibly have alcohol.....I have issue with that.

Just because you attend an event where there is alcohol served does not mean you will become an alcoholic.

[Syracuse]

It is a good point, maybe my friends who don't drink are recovering alcoholics, or more likely had alcoholic parents, and are afraid because of that.

My dad was an alcoholic but I know I'm stronger than he is, i.e. I'd never drive while drunk like he did, so drinking for me isn't a problem.

[Ciderhillnh]

If someone vocalizes that they are a recovering alcoholic or that their parent was....at least then I know why they wont come out to a bar.

But if they just wont come out and cant give a reason I have a tough time with that.

Plus if they are my friend, Im going to figure I know enough about them to konw if they are recovering or had an alcoholic parent.

[WorkInProgress]

I gotta disagree with this most recent line. There are plenty of people who will not go neart alcohol because of the temptation. One of my roommates once was a recovering alcoholic(who kept that private), and he was that way. And another friend had a dad who was alcoholic, and he was afraid of going down the same road, so he stayed away form anywhere where people were drinking.

You can't hold that against people.

Sure can. Recovering alcoholics would be "atypical" cases, and not included in the bothersome group of people.

[mishl982]

I gotta disagree with this most recent line. There are plenty of people who will not go neart alcohol because of the temptation. One of my roommates once was a recovering alcoholic(who kept that private), and he was that way. And another friend had a dad who was alcoholic, and he was afraid of going down the same road, so he stayed away form anywhere where people were drinking.

You can't hold that against people.
Wait, with what I said? I said there are exceptions! :p I have people in my family who are recovering alcoholics as well so I understand their situation.

[cache]

Wait, with what I said? I said there are exceptions! :p I have people in my family who are recovering alcoholics as well so I understand their situation.

I think there was a gaggle of you all advocating the same point about people who won't even be around alcohol.


P.S. I think that's the first time I've used the word "gaggle." :D

[wordsmith]

You can't hold that against people.

I don't have to hold it against them, but I'm still not likely to date them. I rarely drink, myself, but I don't want it to be the sort of thing where if it will be going on, my SO won't be there. I will go to wedding receptions, and the majority of them aren't dry, for instance, and I can't imagine an SO not coming because he won't be around alcohol.

My dad is the son of an alcoholic, and if he refused to go to any social events with my mom where there alcohol served, it would be a major relationship problem, because it would seriously hamper their social life.

Also, I included the word "typically" for a reason, as WIP noticed. I do understand that there are people who can't, for their own personal wellbeing, be in settings where there is the temptation. Unfortunately, though they may be lovely people, I probably won't date them, because I do put myself in social settings where there is drinking, regardless of the fact that I drink sparingly myself, and that probably won't change.

[WorkInProgress]

I don't have to hold it against them, but I'm still not likely to date them. I rarely drink, myself, but I don't want it to be the sort of thing where if it will be going on, my SO won't be there. I will go to wedding receptions, and the majority of them aren't dry, for instance, and I can't imagine an SO not coming because he won't be around alcohol.

My dad is the son of an alcoholic, and if he refused to go to any social events with my mom where there alcohol served, it would be a major relationship problem, because it would seriously hamper their social life.

Also, I included the word "typically" for a reason, as WIP noticed. I do understand that there are people who can't, for their own personal wellbeing, be in settings where there is the temptation. Unfortunately, though they may be lovely people, I probably won't date them, because I do put myself in social settings where there is drinking, regardless of the fact that I drink sparingly myself, and that probably won't change.

Exactly. My father is also the son of an alcoholic and for many years gave up alcohol himself, but it didn't keep him from attending social events and gatherings were alcohol was served. He just didn't drink any. Some people choose to remove themselves from those situations entirely, and that would cut out a large portion of the social gatherings I do attend, whether I drink at them or not.

[wordsmith]

Some people choose to remove themselves from those situations entirely, and that would cut out a large portion of the social gatherings I do attend, whether I drink at them or not.

Yep, and that IS a consideration when you're considering getting involved with somebody...if something's going to drastically change your lifestyle or not, and how you feel about that.

[EmberMae]

Reading your posts, the red flag that is raised for me is about your absolute about drinking.
While I understand where you are coming from and support your decision to not drink, even from your post Im getting the feeling that if a group were going to a bar you wouldnt go simply because it was a bar.

Really don't remember if he's said it in this thread, but he does hang out at bars, in fact the meet up group he goes with has events at bars all the time and he goes, that's not the problem.

I don't have to hold it against them, but I'm still not likely to date them. I rarely drink, myself, but I don't want it to be the sort of thing where if it will be going on, my SO won't be there. I will go to wedding receptions, and the majority of them aren't dry, for instance, and I can't imagine an SO not coming because he won't be around alcohol.
There's a difference between a wedding reception and a bar. For someone who doesn't enjoy drinking or smoking, a bar can be a pretty boring and miserable place. It's not the fact that I am so anti alcohol I can't stand to be around it, but the fact that there really isn't anything to do in a bar besides drink, and possibly talk if the music isn't too loud.

[Ciderhillnh]

I dont know where you live, but here in Boston as well as Rhode Island, there is no smoking inside at bars, so smoke is a non issue.

But there is PLENTY to do OTHER than just sit and drink and listen to music when at a bar.
If you go with a group there is social conversation, people watching, flirting, talking to new people, possibly even dancing...that can all take place,and booze does not have to be injested in any form to do those things or enjoy them.

So if your friends are drinking, or not drinking...you can still do those things. You could even have a coke to have the safety of a glass in hand for comfort and participate in these activities.

[wordsmith]

It depends on the bar, whether there is anything to do.

But I'm not really talking about bars, I'm talking about people who refuse to go to a social event if there will be alcohol.

[PenforPrez]

Here's my own stance:

I refuse to drink under any circumstances. However, I have no problem in going to bars or nighclubs where alcohol is served and people are drinking. I don't care if anybody is drinking, I only ask my friends not to judge my own choice. Everybody's cool with it, although I always get the question: "Why don't you drink?" I don't see the point in drinking. But as long as you're not throwing up on me or being annoying generally, I don't care. Enjoy. :)

I go to bars a lot more than I used to; my Meetup group usually frequents dive bars in residential areas. Now, there are bars in certain neighborhoods I could go to that would increase my likelihood of meeting somebody. However, I do not go to those places due to other factors; I don't know those neighborhoods so well, and crime and illegal drug use are huge factors. I prefer to go a safer route. Maybe if I could get somebody to go with me, but the problems I have with that are well-established.

I, in no way, feel any temptation from alcohol. I have no problems being around it. I do feel it hurts me at times, but that's their problem, not mine.

I wouldn't call my parents alcoholics per se; they were never in a position that they COULDN'T STOP drinking, but they did both drink heavily when I was little and it did cause them a lot of problems. My mother stopped drinking cold turkey when she was diagnosed with diabetes around 1990; Dad slowed down on drinking after he turned 65. But what I vaguely remember is enough for me.

Paul

[wordsmith]

Paul, if you're drinking a Coke, how would anybody ever know it's not a rum and coke (or whatever). Not that I think it matters.

[PenforPrez]

Paul, if you're drinking a Coke, how would anybody ever know it's not a rum and coke (or whatever). Not that I think it matters.

Most places I've been to, alcohol and Coke are served in different containers. :rolleyes:

[WorkInProgress]

Most places I've been to, alcohol and Coke are served in different containers. :rolleyes:

Really?

[PenforPrez]

Are you very vocal about your not drinking? That might also be a put off to those you are talking to or encountering.

Only if I'm asked why I don't drink do I explain it. Most people seem to understand my reasons. :)

You also stated how you always get excuses.......do you ask out any girl that you speak to, or are you selective and ask out those that show interest back to you?

I ask out girls that I am interested in. I have a HUGE blind spot for subtlety; if a woman is subtly showing interest in me, I have no clue. It has to be pretty visually obvious for me to see it. If I like them, I ask them out. Not the best way to do it, but it's the best option I have.

If a girl is flirting back and showing interest (even if its the first time you meet her) then its a good plan to ask for a phone number or casually ask if they want to get together at another point.

I have followed that to the letter, and I get excuses then, too. On the rare occasion they're single to start with. :rolleyes:


But there is PLENTY to do OTHER than just sit and drink and listen to music when at a bar.
If you go with a group there is social conversation, people watching, flirting, talking to new people, possibly even dancing...that can all take place,and booze does not have to be injested in any form to do those things or enjoy them.

If I'm out with my Meetup group, that's not really a problem. I'm known by nearly everybody and everybody likes me. So, I have no shortage of people to talk to and get to know, when I'm in the group. On my own, I'm more apprehensive. I've never known what to say to a girl in a bar. :frustrate

Paul

[PenforPrez]

Really?

Yep. Shot glasses or beer mugs for alcohol, tall colored plastic cups for soda is what I generally run into.

The most notable exception was when I went to the Tin Can Tavern in south St. Louis, where everything was served in genuine Mason jars. :huge: I loved that!!

Paul

[wordsmith]

So mixed drinks are served in beer steins?

[PenforPrez]

So mixed drinks are served in beer steins?

Nope, still the Mason jars. :huge:

There's a big sign in the place: "Only babies drink out of bottles!" ;)

Paul

[wordsmith]

No, I'm talking in general, not at that one place.

I don't know, it's just never apparent to me if somebody's drinking something that's a mixed drink or something nonalcoholic. Not that I think it matters. Generally, I'd probably assume they were the designated.

[PenforPrez]

No, I'm talking in general, not at that one place.

I don't know, it's just never apparent to me if somebody's drinking something that's a mixed drink or something nonalcoholic. Not that I think it matters. Generally, I'd probably assume they were the designated.

Most places I go served mixed drinks in clear glasses, frequently shot glasses.

All I know is, nearly every place does free soda refills anymore. I could pay $5+ for one alcoholic drink, when I shell out $2 for a big glass of Coke and I get filled up all night for free. :D

Paul

[ScottyTheBody]

No, I'm talking in general, not at that one place.

I don't know, it's just never apparent to me if somebody's drinking something that's a mixed drink or something nonalcoholic. Not that I think it matters. Generally, I'd probably assume they were the designated.

The places that I go to, the cups are different and at some places they even point you out with a stamp or something that you aren't drinking alcohol that night.

From my experiences:

Rum and coke is usually in a small plastic cup or something (same with rye, etc mixed drinks)
Beer in large beer mugs
Cokes and other pops are in large glasses (like glasses from a restaurant or something).

But this doesn't really matter. People choose not to drink (due to religion, health reasons, past problems, or for whatever reason is absolutely fine), just like people choosing to be vegetarians and not eat meat (due to religion, due to health, personal beliefs or for whatever reason is absolutely fine). I see them as very similar. The only possible problem that could arise, and I am not implying anyone on this board does (in fact I find it's pretty good at discussing different views without enforcing), is pushing your personal beliefs onto others.

However, having been the DD on several of occasions (and for a while avoided drinking altogether) and gone to bars not drinking, most of them are boring (especially the ones with exceptionally loud crappy music and no pool tables or dart boards or other stuff for amusement) and it can get annoying when your CONSTANTLY asked "Would you like a drink?", "Where's your drink?", "Why aren't you drinking?" and then having to explain each and every time (which another reason why they added the stamp to nonalcoholic drinkers that night at some bars, also for keeping the DD sober). Also, a lot of bars do center around drinking, which is okay because that's what it's there for but it's kind of like being a vegetarian and your friends are always going to steakhouses or something, you know it's okay for a while and you can order a salad or something without meat there but you kind of would like to try other places.

[spokes]

dude you must be hanging with the 18 to 20 yr old crowd that questions what you drink.

when i go out to the bar i might have one drink (and it is usually a girly drink like a pina coloda) and i'll then drink coke - my frinds don't give me any static about it. i don't give a rip what or how much my frinds drink unless they are planning on driving or getting stupid.

[wordsmith]

Paul hangs out mostly with older circles.

[CTGirl]

dude you must be hanging with the 18 to 20 yr old crowd that questions what you drink.

when i go out to the bar i might have one drink (and it is usually a girly drink like a pina coloda) and i'll then drink coke - my frinds don't give me any static about it. i don't give a rip what or how much my frinds drink unless they are planning on driving or getting stupid.

Agreed. I'm a wuss, so I typically dont drink much, and I have friends who stay sober sometimes too, and the only people who ever give them a hard time are the waitresses/bartenders who are trying to guilt them into buying alcohol, lol

[Ciderhillnh]

Ive never heard of a bar giving a scarlet letter D for designated driver.

I can see if people are ordering shots that their drinks come in shot glasses, and beers in bottles or stein mugs......

As for mixed drinks, Ive only seen bars put mixed and non mixed in the same glass.

If people keep coming up and asking why you're not drinking.....you dont have to explain yourself each time, you can say Im the DD and be done with it. If they keep asking, hell with em.

I used to go to colllege parties (before I drank) and every 5 seconds someone would ask if I wanted a beer, or a drink, and I just kept saying no. I could have cared less that I didnt have a drink in hand and everyone else did. My choice.

While I appreciate the veggetarian analogy, and I do have several veggetarian and even a vegan friend.....they will come out to steak houses and other places that serve meat with us.
If they didnt and refused, again I can tell you it would make it very difficult since going out to eat (like going to the bar) is a common thing for us to do.

As for what to say to a girl at a bar.....a great opening line is to ask what she is drinking. If she says some wine, you can ask her what type of wine she particularly likes....if its a mixed drink comment on the mixer.
If you're not comfy commenting on the booze, compliment her shirt, tell her you saw her from across the room and just wanted to say hello.

All I can tell you is be genuine, girls can spot someone trying or being fake a mile away.

All I can think of is that you're putting out some vibe if EVERY time you get an excuse....though with the law of averages it depends how many girls you're going up to.....if you approach 1 per month.....thats not a bad statistic. If you're going up to 5 in a night and do this every weekend and get nothing, thats a different story.

[ScottyTheBody]

dude you must be hanging with the 18 to 20 yr old crowd that questions what you drink.

when i go out to the bar i might have one drink (and it is usually a girly drink like a pina coloda) and i'll then drink coke - my frinds don't give me any static about it. i don't give a rip what or how much my frinds drink unless they are planning on driving or getting stupid.

Firstly I do go to bars and I do drink, however in the past I didn't and I had no problem telling people that I didn't. I still went to bars (just at the time didn't drink).

I am not hanging out with the 18-20 year old crowd, however I am not hanging out with the 30+ crowd either (usually 20-26). In MY experiences, lot's of people do ask these questions if you're not drinking alcohol. However, friends do not usually ask these questions because they often know why you are not doing so. Waitresses, waiters and random people that you meet do ask these questions. Now they are not doing anything wrong by asking these questions because they are just curious (not ripping or static). These same questions can become a little annoying though. It also depends on the place too. If it's a "classy" bar then this doesn't happen nearly as often.

I personally don't ask these questions because I honestly don't care whether people do drink alcohol or not. There are also a lot of people that I know that don't care what you're drinking. However, there are people who do ask these questions and you could get asked it quite frequently in one night (just like a lot of vegetarians get asked, why don't you eat meat?).

Also, I think you can go to a bar without drinking and have a lot of fun. I do go to bars sometimes without drinking and have a lot of fun but those often have a karaoke machine or pool tables or dart boards or just something else with the bar.

[ScottyTheBody]

Ive never heard of a bar giving a scarlet letter D for designated driver.


Well maybe they do it differently where I'm from.

[Ciderhillnh]

Where are you located?

[ScottyTheBody]

Where are you located?

Southwestern Ontario, Canada

[Ciderhillnh]

They must do it differently there, its the first time Ive ever heard of such a thing.

[CTGirl]

They must do it differently there, its the first time Ive ever heard of such a thing.

Yeah, I've heard of places doing that, but never in this part of the country, and I've definitely never been to a place where they mark you if you're not drinking.

They do, however, put a mark on your hand if you've shown your ID to the bouncer and you can be drinking (whether you decide to actually drink booze or not)

[wordsmith]

18-20 year olds can't be in bars in most circumstances where I live.

[asm198]

I've seen pretty much every variation of marking people. In some places, the DD is marked so that the servers will know they shouldn't be charged for soda/water. I've also been to places that were 18 and up bars and the underagers will have an 'x' put on both their hands. People under 21 didn't get anything unless they requested a stamp, which only means that you have already paid so you can come and go freely. And I've been to places that are the flipside of that, where the over 21 get wristbands and the underagers get either nothing or the 'x'.

As far as alcohol containers, a bar where I was a regular in several years ago had a ladies night. Women over the age of 21 got a clear plastic cup at the door. All beverages served to you, except shots and bottled beer (duh), was served in that cup. Or a cup, rather. Males got their beverages in glass cups.

At the bar my fiance works at, the container your beverage comes in depends on where you got it. If you are on the deck, you're getting a clear plastic cup no matter what you order (except bottled beer). If you order downstairs, you generally get everything in glasses. It's kind of a tossup down there. It depends on the day of the week, the time of day, and who you are, honestly.


I do have to say, at the bar I was a regular at when I was in my early 20s, there was an undercover cop who hung around trying to catch the underagers. One night, I confronted him and told him that he'd be way less obvious if he has some sort of drink in his hand. He told me he couldn't drink on the job and I told him to get a soda and carry it around because no one would know the difference and most people are going to assume you are drinking if you have a 'drinking cup'. He started doing that the next week.


I honestly don't care if people drink at bars or not. I will ask you if you want something when I order, though. It's just the polite thing to do. I don't think it's rude to ask if someone wants a beer or whatever, if I'm not sure they are drinking. And I will likely keep asking until you tell me you're not drinking that night.

[PenforPrez]

Paul hangs out mostly with older circles.

Most 20-somethings don't understand me and I have a hard time understanding them.

All I can tell you is be genuine, girls can spot someone trying or being fake a mile away.

Being fake is impossible for me. That's just it. I sometimes wonder if I'm perceived as "too good to be true" because I'm so incapable of lying or being fake.

All I can think of is that you're putting out some vibe if EVERY time you get an excuse....though with the law of averages it depends how many girls you're going up to.....if you approach 1 per month.....thats not a bad statistic. If you're going up to 5 in a night and do this every weekend and get nothing, thats a different story.

If we're talking girls I meet who are single AND not seeing anybody, that is so rare that Halley's Comet comes back every time it happens. :p I seriously have that much difficulty. Women will talk about going through a divorce or a breakup, then I hear them tell somebody else, "I've sorta been seeing this guy." :googly: How long ago did they cancel The Twilight Zone? :question:

The last few excuses I got:

"I don't have enough minutes on my phone"
"I'm getting over a bad breakup"
"I'm seeing two guys and moving and working, etc."

Then there was the girl I didn't ask out, but instead sat me down and started giving me advice. Not the list that I started this thread with; that advice was more practical, but I had already tried and failed with most of it. :rolleyes:

Paul

[Ciderhillnh]

Im going to be bluntly honest here.....the 3 excuses you just listed, all sound like the girl was totally trying to get out of talking or dating you in any way.

My statement about being fake.....if a guy comes off as too jittery or nervous, or too interested in whats being said, etc, it can come off as fake. You might not purposely be trying to be fake, but you could be coming across as fake.

My only suggestion is talk to more girls, go out more, take more chances and see what the results are.
Do you make jokes when you talk to girls? Do you ask them questions about themselves? If they are with friends, do you engage their friends in conversation as well?
In general what do you talk about? What is your approach...how do you get the conversation started?

[nikorock28]

Im going to be bluntly honest here.....the 3 excuses you just listed, all sound like the girl was totally trying to get out of talking or dating you in any way.

My statement about being fake.....if a guy comes off as too jittery or nervous, or too interested in whats being said, etc, it can come off as fake. You might not purposely be trying to be fake, but you could be coming across as fake.

My only suggestion is talk to more girls, go out more, take more chances and see what the results are.
Do you make jokes when you talk to girls? Do you ask them questions about themselves? If they are with friends, do you engage their friends in conversation as well?
In general what do you talk about? What is your approach...how do you get the conversation started?

Ummm, so, if you are completely real and honest, yet come off as being fake... this is a problem???

[CTGirl]

Ummm, so, if you are completely real and honest, yet come off as being fake... this is a problem???

I dont wanna step on her toes or anything, but it sounds to me from her post like she's referring to guys trying too hard and not really being "fake" - I think fake was not the best word to use there, but correct me if I'm misinterpreting.

[PenforPrez]

Im going to be bluntly honest here.....the 3 excuses you just listed, all sound like the girl was totally trying to get out of talking or dating you in any way.

Well, that was what I thought too. It just bugs me that the same story plays out everytime.

My only suggestion is talk to more girls, go out more, take more chances and see what the results are.
Do you make jokes when you talk to girls? Do you ask them questions about themselves? If they are with friends, do you engage their friends in conversation as well?
In general what do you talk about? What is your approach...how do you get the conversation started?

Do I make jokes? Yes, but I'm a horrible joke teller. I always ask questions; I don't like to play around, I like to find out what I need to know. Sometimes friends are engaged, sometimes not. I listen very carefully, especially to find out if they are SINGLE! That is the first question I have, but I never ask it; I wait for them to tell me. Patience is rewarded there.

I try to talk about them. I ask them questions about themselves, and volunteer information if asked. Conversation starts almost at random; I've never been good at initiating conversation. Once I'm going, I'm fine, but the beginning is the hard part.

Paul