On Sunday my roommate had her housewarming party which I was cordially invited to.

[CityGal]

The evites read: “CityGal and Roommate’s Housewarming”.

It was a very nice gesture on her part to include my name on the title, but too bad that was the only thing I was included in. She picked the date, time, theme, number of guests I was allowed to invite, and the general size of the party. After I read the evites, I told her that there was a slim to none chance that anyone I knew would attend a party on Sunday afternoon. Did she change the date? NO. About two nights before the party, she asked me how many of my guests were coming and I told her none. Her reply: good, I invited too many people. WTF?!!! Hours before the party, I didn’t know what to do or how to do it. She took charge and I was just there up in the air. I asked her several times throughout the day if she needed any help and she said she was OK. I felt completely out of place in what supposedly is my place. So I stayed as long as possible before the party and then I told her I was leaving. She gave me this “I cannot believe you are doing this to me” looks of disappointment. I told her that honestly this wasn’t my party and that I wasn’t going to really know anyone so what was the point of me staying. Anyway so I went about my way and I get a text saying how even if it was not my party I was an invited guest and that I hurt her feelings. So I let it go. No point in arguing. I get home and ask her how the party went and she was like fine but I am still not talking to you! Apparently this morning I was also on the shit list. So…my question to you all is, what do I do?

[AshleyJordan]

How much longer before you leave for London? That would inform my response. From what you've posted in the past your roommate sounds like a kind of crappy, inconsiderate, insensitive person and I'm really not sure if she's open to constructive criticism or change.

[CTGirl]

Situations like this are why I will never live with another female.

[Ciderhillnh]

Well first....yeah it sucks that she planned a party before checking with you and your friends availability.....but I think she was trying to make a sweet gesture.

You were invited, and so what if you wouldnt have known anyone? You know your roommate and you could have stayed to meet some new people and expand your social circle.

My only suggestion is to tell her that you want to speak to her for a minute tell her that you appreciate her gesture of putting together a party, but that you wish she had talked to you about it so that your friends could have been available for the party as well.

[Chameleon]

Kudos for leaving the party. It's not the first time your roommate has behaved like the world revolved around her and it's time you accept that, Citygal, and acted accordingly. She's shown you time and time again through her behavior that you exist only to entertain her and for no other reason and that your feelings, comfort and finances don't matter.

Enjoy the silence, pay your bills, plan furiously for your trip. She is not a friend and she can only make you as uncomfortable as you let her. Use the amount of consideration she has for your feelings as a guage for how much you should care about hers. Her happiness is not your responsiblity.

[Ciderhillnh]

Im going to have to disagree.........

People react to the situations they are put in and by ignoring and paying bills etc, its passive aggressive and it fosters a hostile living environment.

Talk about what bothered you, and use concrete terms, and statements such as I felt like ________ when _______ happened. It makes you talk about your feelings and not place blame as to where your roommate might become defensive and not listen to anything you're saying anyway.

I dont think it was right to leave the party. I think it just creates drama where there doesnt need to be any. You could have even said hello's and then gone to your room.

[meatwad]

Your roommate is clueless. Don't feel bad for leaving unless you really wanted to stay and only left out of spite.

[wordsmith]

Female or not, that's an inconsiderate roommate.

[and1grad]

Kudos for leaving the party. It's not the first time your roommate has behaved like the world revolved around her and it's time you accept that, Citygal, and acted accordingly. She's shown you time and time again through her behavior that you exist only to entertain her and for no other reason and that your feelings, comfort and finances don't matter.

Enjoy the silence, pay your bills, plan furiously for your trip. She is not a friend and she can only make you as uncomfortable as you let her. Use the amount of consideration she has for your feelings as a guage for how much you should care about hers. Her happiness is not your responsiblity.
Totally agree.

[meatwad]

Then it's unanimous. (If you consider most people do the opposite of what Cider says anyway :D .)

[CityGal]

Please don't get me wrong everyone, I do like her as a friend. The only thing I am not pleased with anymore is the apartment situatition. I think it was Weary that told me that I let myself be suckered into a situation I wasn't ready for and those words were the only things resonanting in my head as I was walking out the door. Although I didnt know anyone, I was planning on staying to socialize but after that "good you didn't invite people" comment, I just got completely blah about it.

As for England, I will not be moving for another five months. I am trying to contain this situation until I leave because I want it to be a peaceful departure.

[Ciderhillnh]

Then I stick by my suggestion of sitting down and talking to her about how it made you feel.

[CityGal]

Im going to have to disagree.........

People react to the situations they are put in and by ignoring and paying bills etc, its passive aggressive and it fosters a hostile living environment.

Talk about what bothered you, and use concrete terms, and statements such as I felt like ________ when _______ happened. It makes you talk about your feelings and not place blame as to where your roommate might become defensive and not listen to anything you're saying anyway.

I dont think it was right to leave the party. I think it just creates drama where there doesnt need to be any. You could have even said hello's and then gone to your room.


Agreed, I do believe I created this hostile mess. I kind of think it is too late to get out of it though. It's been going on for about two months now.

We have sat down and talked about things but nothing really changes. I don't tell her every time I don't agree with something she does. I do provide my opinions on things and she dismisses them and does what she wants anyways.

[wordsmith]

If you value the roommate as a friend, it's a good idea to talk to her about how inconsiderate she's being. But if you're wasting your breath, and voicing it is doing nothing, maybe she's not real friend material.

[Syracuse]

Yeah no offense but you're in the wrong here not your roommate. She wanted to have a party and she decided to be nice and include you in on it, since you are her roommate. She didn't have to. If she's paying rent she should be allowed to have parties herself, of course asking you to leave would be wrong but nothing says she can't have her friends over.

You should have stayed and met her friends, meeting new people is always good, now you look like "the crazy roommate who doesn't like anyone".

I recommend having a talk with her to get everything out in the open and you should probably apologize.

[CityGal]

If you value the roommate as a friend, it's a good idea to talk to her about how inconsiderate she's being. But if you're wasting your breath, and voicing it is doing nothing, maybe she's not real friend material.

I definitely will once she starts talking to me again.

[Ciderhillnh]

City...sometimes you have to make the first move to get communication started and going.

Even if you have tried to talk before, if you feel that she is your friend, you have to try again.

Sometimes people are just crappy roommates but great friends, I wouldnt rule her out as a friend just yet.

[Syracuse]

I had a euchre party two weekends ago and invited a bunch of people, let my two roommates know weeks ahead of time and they could invite whoever. They don't have as many friends I guess so it was mostly my friends, and I felt bad because they didn't really hang out with anyone, but hey I tried and I had fun anyway haha. Well my one roommate who is a guy hung out a little and played guitar with another guy who was there, my sister though mostly hid in her room.

[Chameleon]

Yeah no offense but you're in the wrong here not your roommate. She wanted to have a party and she decided to be nice and include you in on it, since you are her roommate. She didn't have to. If she's paying rent she should be allowed to have parties herself, of course asking you to leave would be wrong but nothing says she can't have her friends over.

You should have stayed and met her friends, meeting new people is always good, now you look like "the crazy roommate who doesn't like anyone".

I recommend having a talk with her to get everything out in the open and you should probably apologize.
Her roommate had a house warming party for the TWO of them without her input, without asking if it was a good time for her or her friends, was relieved when her friends weren't coming and now is hurt that Citygal wasn't sitting in a corner being ignored by her roommate's friends during "their" party? Seriously, Citygal, what that this woman have to do to you before you stop thinking of HER as the victim?

[Millenial]

i personally would have just stayed, said hi, and then got the hell out of there. the roomate was not making a gesture, she was doing it for herself.

[asm198]

I think it's pretty crappy that your roommate decided to have a party at your place without getting any imput from you about it. I'm assuming you split the bills in half, so you should have been allowed to give your imput. I don't blame you for leaving.

[Syracuse]

Her roommate had a house warming party for the TWO of them without her input, without asking if it was a good time for her or her friends, was relieved when her friends weren't coming and now is hurt that Citygal wasn't sitting in a corner being ignored by her roommate's friends during "their" party? Seriously, Citygal, what that this woman have to do to you before you stop thinking of HER as the victim?
I bet though that if citygal started making suggestions for the party, like hey roomie let's have this kind of food there or play this music, the roomie would be ok or at least discuss it. It just seems like Citygal assumed too much that her roommate didn't care about her, and would it be better if the roommate never told her about the party and then people just started showing up and citygal would wonder why? I'm looking for the roomie's perspective and she didn't do anything all that bad. The saying "good you didn't invite anyone because I invited too many people" is a questionable comment but maybe she is just a foolish girl and didn't mean anything bad by it.

[Chameleon]

Syracuse, the theme was picked when the roommate sent the evite, I would assume food and music would have already been decided, Citygal told her roommate it would be a bad time for her and her friends, she asked repeatedly the day of for some way to be involved and was turned down repeatedly, the roommate didn't want Citygal's input or help. Who turns down help setting up for a party? Not even to put out a food tray? At least she didn't add insult to injury by asking Citygal to help pay for "their" party.

[cheshrcarol]

Citygal, I think you need to learn to speak up for yourself more. Not in a bitchy or obnoxious way, but just to be able to give your input without being walked all over. When you roommate brought up the party, you should have told her that you wanted the party on a different day. Not said "my friends probably won't make be able to make it on a sunday" and hope that she'd get the hint. Obviously she's either too self-involved or dense to take the hint and change the date. You need to be more vocal.

[wordsmith]

"I'd rather not have it on Sunday, let's pick a day that works better for both of us," would have been reasonable.

[Syracuse]

Yeah but maybe sunday was the only day that was good for the roomie and her friends. But yeah I think in this situation both people were in the wrong, and a sit down chat is in order to hash things out. No doubt roomate situations can be stressful, I give you that, and I have been the bad roommate myself, something I regret and am trying not to do in the future, as communication is the key.

[Chameleon]

Citygal, I think you need to learn to speak up for yourself more. Not in a bitchy or obnoxious way, but just to be able to give your input without being walked all over. When you roommate brought up the party, you should have told her that you wanted the party on a different day. Not said "my friends probably won't make be able to make it on a sunday" and hope that she'd get the hint. Obviously she's either too self-involved or dense to take the hint and change the date. You need to be more vocal.
Totally agree, though the roommate "brought up" the party by sending out an evite to Citygal and her friends. I think self-involved and dense is a forgone conclusion. Not that evite dates can't be changed but seriously, not even giving your roommate a heads up before sending out an invite?

I doubt if there will be any change in the way they've been interacting for years before Citygal leaves. Roommate pulls asshole stunt, Citygal complains, goes along then apologizes to roommate for being contrary while still miserable with the way things went down.

[wordsmith]

Yeah but maybe sunday was the only day that was good for the roomie and her friends.

Housewarming party for both people should be planned at a time that works for both people. Obviously this was "for both people" in writing only.

[Syracuse]

Housewarming party for both people should be planned at a time that works for both people. Obviously this was "for both people" in writing only.
I agree but my point is is that really a bad thing? A person is allowed to have parties if they are renting a place and paying money. She does have to invite citygal as she lives there but she didn't have to include her at all, it was her own party. She was trying to be nice, could she have been even nicer yes but didn't have to. See now I am wondering if my roommates are harboring secret resentment towards me because I didn't include them in every little thing for the party I threw at our place.

[wordsmith]

Fine, but don't call it a "housewarming party for me and so and so," in the first place, if it's not, and in the second, don't be pissed if somebody leaves, when it's not even their party.

[Syracuse]

Fine, but don't call it a "housewarming party for me and so and so," in the first place, if it's not, and in the second, don't be pissed if somebody leaves, when it's not even their party.
Yes true naming it that was a problem, though it could be said that that was part of the whole trying to be nice thing. But yeah how about this, for any future parties being thrown by whatever roommate, all roommates living in a place should get together and talk things over and have a chat about it. After that forever hold your peace.

[asm198]

I would be pretty pissed if my roommate decided to throw a party without consulting me about it. I don't have to be included in the plans, but I would want them to run the date and time past me before anything was set in stone.

[CityGal]

I bet though that if citygal started making suggestions for the party, like hey roomie let's have this kind of food there or play this music, the roomie would be ok or at least discuss it. It just seems like Citygal assumed too much that her roommate didn't care about her, and would it be better if the roommate never told her about the party and then people just started showing up and citygal would wonder why? I'm looking for the roomie's perspective and she didn't do anything all that bad. The saying "good you didn't invite anyone because I invited too many people" is a questionable comment but maybe she is just a foolish girl and didn't mean anything bad by it.

Syracuse, I did give some suggestions. She still wanted a few furnishings for the party and I agreed to go with her to look at it. She already knew what she wanted and where she wanted to put it. When she asked for my suggestion on the height of the item, I told her my opinion. She acknowledged it and still went with her original idea. It was a Mexican fiesta housewarming and she had a pinata which she bought over a year ago and never used it. I suggested she bring it out bc this would be a perfect time to use it and she said she didn't want her friends hitting it. I have given suggestions, they just get dismissed.

Did I forget to mention that she told me she wasn't going to tell the third roomie about the party? She said she didn't want him there. I think she purposely made it on that day so that he wouldn't attend.

[cheshrcarol]

Yeah, when I lived with a roommate I just expected a heads up. Not an evite letting me know something was going on at my house :rolleyes: .

[Winter Storm]

Definitely inconsiderate.

Why don't you then host yuor own party for your friends?. Pick the time, place, theme and send out the invites. Then in passing, mention it to her. Tell she is welcome to come is she wants.

See how she feels. :rolleyes:

[CityGal]

Citygal, I think you need to learn to speak up for yourself more. Not in a bitchy or obnoxious way, but just to be able to give your input without being walked all over. When you roommate brought up the party, you should have told her that you wanted the party on a different day. Not said "my friends probably won't make be able to make it on a sunday" and hope that she'd get the hint. Obviously she's either too self-involved or dense to take the hint and change the date. You need to be more vocal.


Completely agree with you, Carol. I do let people walk all over me and I assume that eventually they will get the hint. I just don't like being confrontational. I know this is a serious issue I need to deal with.

[CityGal]

Syracuse, thanks for playing the other side of things. I have no problems with her hosting her own housewarming party but about two weeks after we moved in the third roommate and I wanted to host a NYE/housewarming and she said no bc she wanted to be there. So out of respect for her wishes we didn't.

Communication is definitely key but also being considerate about the fact that you are living with other people is necessary. I am all for people having parties. I have NO problems with it. Even if it is a spur of the moment kind of thing. If it is a party that you've been planning for weeks, a heads up is all I need.

After this situation, I doubt I would willingly share a place with someone.

[Syracuse]

Though I realize the worst feeling in the world is being in your room hiding while there are a bunch of people in the living room talking and having fun and you don't want to go in there because you don't know them. Now that I am thinking about it I know how that feels and I probably would have left too. If I tried inviting my few friends but no one could come over that day like what happened to you.

I am a bit more outgoing nowadays though so if I'm in that position again I will probably say f it and go drink their beer or whatever at least even if they seem like stupid people, it's my place and I'm going to try to have fun with a weird situation. But maybe you're less outgoing citygal? Being shy can suck sometimes.

[mishl982]

Did I forget to mention that she told me she wasn't going to tell the third roomie about the party? She said she didn't want him there. I think she purposely made it on that day so that he wouldn't attend.
Okay now that is crazy!