Want someone back who I blew off before

[dreams82]

Ok, a little background: Nick and I have known eachother for years. We met through mutual friends and have always been attracted to eachother. We didn't act on this until last summer. He was 20, I was 24. I have always had a HUGE problem with the age difference, which he was aware of. For two summers in a row, he invited me on a camping trip, for two summers in a row, I said I would then blew him off. I got scared. He went back to school, and I bought a condo, as you can see we were on two totally different paths. He texted me in early Dec. 'thinking of you and hope you're doing well.' I contacted him when he returned home for Winter break, and it took me two months of trying to get him to hang out with me. He came over on Saturday, and all of the old feelings I had repressed for him came back. I want to tell him how I feel, but am hesitant as I don't know how he feels and I don't want to hurt him again. I tend to change my mind alot, and I know he's cautious of me because of this. So, my question is, do I tell him how I feel, or wait a little bit? What would you guys do? Thanks!

[meatwad]

I'd say stop screwing with the poor guys head.

[weary]

I'd say stop screwing with the poor guys head.
seconded.

[dreams82]

I am not meaning too, the timing just wasn't right before. What if it is now? Do I just not say anything?

[Chameleon]

I'm hoping that you've apologized profusely for toying with him in the past. If you don't know how you feel about him and you think your feelings aren't consistent, it might be best to just leave him alone and wait for someone you are more sure about.

[Bocheezu]

I have always had a HUGE problem with the age difference, which he was aware of.

Why, it's not like four years is a big deal. You have to be more specific.

He went back to school, and I bought a condo, as you can see we were on two totally different paths.

Huh? I wasn't aware buying a condo exempted you from dating people in college.

[cache]

Personally, I think you've messed it up permanently with this guy. If a woman blew me off a few times, then acted interested, it would take a hell of a lot to get me to trust her...plus, I would always be questioning her commitment/interest.

[dreams82]

I have apologized, many times, and he insists it's not a big deal.

Bocheezu-buying a condo does not mean I can't date guys in college, I just meant that we were on two different pages in life, he going back to college, and me, buying a condo, getting a mortgage, they are pretty different paths in life. He was buying text books, and I was cleaning out my life savings and paying a condo fee, amongst other various bills. I am not trying to say I am above dating a college student, just that we didn't have much in common then, but I have changed. I am not sure what changed, but something did.

[weary]

I am not meaning too, the timing just wasn't right before. What if it is now? Do I just not say anything?
this is the problem. you still don't know. leave the poor guy alone.

i know it's difficult when you're crushing hard, but imagine if you were in his shoes. would you really want to go down the road for a third time, knowing he was unsure and could blow you off for a THIRD time after stringing you along?

[Krishna]

this is the problem. you still don't know. leave the poor guy alone.

Agreed. Anyone who burns me more than once is permanently off my possible relationship list.

[weary]

Bocheezu-buying a condo does not mean I can't date guys in college, I just meant that we were on two different pages in life, he going back to college, and me, buying a condo, getting a mortgage, they are pretty different paths in life.
well, yes and no. if a person is mature and you have enough in commmon (like beliefs, values, hobbies, tastes, etc.), it really doesn't matter if one's in college and one's got the big grown-up mortgage.

i own a home, a car, and have a (big) kid. the last guy i dated was going back to school. BFD. i was excited for him in that regard b/c it was for a degree that he'd always wanted. that (school) had nothing to do w/ why we didn't work. we found out our personalities were not all that compatible.

[meatwad]

There's nothing wrong with taking a chance on someone you have feelings towards, but you've already tried twice with this guy and it didn't work out. It's probably in both of your best interests to move on.

[WorkInProgress]

this is the problem. you still don't know. leave the poor guy alone.

i know it's difficult when you're crushing hard, but imagine if you were in his shoes. would you really want to go down the road for a third time, knowing he was unsure and could blow you off for a THIRD time after stringing you along?

Totally agree.

[dreams82]

Well, he must have wanted to see if there was still something there, because he finally agreed to see me. I know it may take time to get him to trust me again, I totally understand this and where you all are coming from. However, people change their minds, it happens all the time.

[weary]

Well, he must have wanted to see if there was still something there, because he finally agreed to see me. I know it may take time to get him to trust me again, I totally understand this and where you all are coming from. However, people change their minds, it happens all the time.
*headdesk*

why'd you even ask us then?

i'm not trying to be mean. i just wonder why ppl ask for advice if they already know what they're going to do?

good luck to the both of you. i really hope you don't hurt him again.

[mishl982]

There's nothing wrong with taking a chance on someone you have feelings towards, but you've already tried twice with this guy and it didn't work out. It's probably in both of your best interests to move on.
Third time's a charm? :p

[dreams82]

I asked because I don't know what to do. I feel like I want to tell him how I feel, I think about him all the time, I drive through his town every day to get to work, I hear a song that reminds me of him. My questions was, do I just bite the bullet, and lay it out on the table, or do I wait a little while, and see then if the feelings I have are still there?

[Winter Storm]

I tend to change my mind alot, and I know he's cautious of me because of this. So, my question is, do I tell him how I feel, or wait a little bit? What would you guys do? Thanks!

I would not say anything to him unless you know that you are sure and that you won't change your mind anytime soon.

[weary]

I asked because I don't know what to do. I feel like I want to tell him how I feel, I think about him all the time, I drive through his town every day to get to work, I hear a song that reminds me of him. My questions was, do I just bite the bullet, and lay it out on the table, or do I wait a little while, and see then if the feelings I have are still there?
wait a little while.

then a little while more.

then a while more again.

see if you feel the same when he graduates. if so, go for it then.

[Syracuse]

Tell him how you feel now or you'll regret it forever, trust me.

[meatwad]

I know you really like this guy, but your past behavior has been pretty cruel, even if you didn't mean it to be.

[wordsmith]

Yeah, it kind of sounds like you are hedging your bet with the "what ifs." Yeah, it would be nice and romantic if the timing wasn't right before and it is now, but if you're not pretty solid on what you want beyond a "well, it might work this time," it's really not fair. Is it possible you just have whatever buyer's remorse would be called if you didn't actually buy the thing? "Wish I bought it" remorse, hah?

[tina1979]

wait a little while.

then a little while more.

then a while more again.

see if you feel the same when he graduates. if so, go for it then.
gotta agree.

I wouldn't want to be involved with someone that had blown me off a couple times. once would have been plenty for me. after that your just sort of asking for it.

as for why he finally came back around after a month of trying to get him to hang out (and I am not saying this is the case).... Maybe to get you to lay off. I've done that before. I've agreed to do something or hang out when I really didn't want to just to get the person to stop bothering me about it.

Oh and my disclaimer..the few times I have done this I have made it pretty clear that the reason I had agreed. I'm not into stringing people on.

[weary]

I asked because I don't know what to do. I feel like I want to tell him how I feel, I think about him all the time, I drive through his town every day to get to work, I hear a song that reminds me of him. My questions was, do I just bite the bullet, and lay it out on the table, or do I wait a little while, and see then if the feelings I have are still there?
this is what i take issue with the most. your approach to this situation seems incredibly selfish. it's all about you. yet you admit you've hurt him twice already. what about him? wanting to be with someone and having feelings for them is not enough. you have to care about them, and be careful with their feelings too.

[dreams82]

I don't know how that works. Hanging out with someone just to get them to back off. It seems to have the opposite effect. If I was not interested in seeing someone, I simply wouldn't. I would avoid their calls, or advances, eventually I think they'd get the hint. We talked during this period that I was asking him to hang out, but we just kept missing eachother, the timing wasn't right. You guys, I am not a cruel person on purpose. I never meant to hurt him, I just wasn't sure what I wanted, maybe he wasn't either.

[dreams82]

this is what i take issue with the most. your approach to this situation seems incredibly selfish. it's all about you. yet you admit you've hurt him twice already. what about him? wanting to be with someone and having feelings for them is not enough. you have to care about them, and be careful with their feelings too.

I don't know what he wants. I doubt he will come out first and tell me. So I can either say something now, or don't.

[weary]

I don't know what he wants. I doubt he will come out first and tell me. So I can either say something now, or don't.
don't.

[wordsmith]

It's not actively being cruel to not be sure what you want, but if you pursue something with somebody and you're not sure...it comes off cruel just the same. Seriously, one of the worst things ever is to pursue something with somebody you're just not sure about.

[ScottyTheBody]

If you have real feelings for him than I think you should tell him because I doubt if he has feelings for you he will come up a third time.

However

My concern is this. You said you rejected him before, twice. He gradually loses contact with you and he's kind of backing off. You try to contact him and to no avail until finally after a month (or longer can't remember) and all of a sudden these "feelings" come up.

If you're going to tell him how you feel, just be ABSOLUTELY sure that it's him that you really like and not something recently that has happened that indirectly and temporarily jolted these feelings

[Syracuse]

don't.
disagree I say do. No regrets.

[wordsmith]

Just to be nitpicky, you can DEFINITELY have regrets about speaking up.
"Just say something" isn't a protection against regrets or anything. it's just a matter of regretting something you do versus something you don't do.

[ScottyTheBody]

disagree I say do. No regrets.

Regularly I'd agree with you, but I'm not convinced she really wants him (such as really wanting him because he seems distant now and nonresponsive to her advances as it appears, this is where the feelings originated). She would regret it if those feelings changed as soon as he became close to her again.

However, if she's absolutely sure she likes him and those feelings probably won't change easily then of course go and tell him.

[teeny]

I guess i'm the only one, but i don't see anything too cruel with what you did the first time. Timings a bitch- you got scared, confused, whatever. Sh*t happens. I've been hurt and toyed with, and in retrospect, i'm thankful for it. There are some people that could come back and i'd be like, screw you- others where i know that it was just the circumstances and timing, and i'd be open to something again.

That said, I don't think you should necessarily lay it all on the table. Hang out with him, no pressure, and see how you both feel after time. Chemistry and compatability are hard to ignore- i don't think everything needs to spelled out in a long WB worthy conversation.

[hajime]

If you have real feelings for him than I think you should tell him because I doubt if he has feelings for you he will come up a third time.

However

My concern is this. You said you rejected him before, twice. He gradually loses contact with you and he's kind of backing off. You try to contact him and to no avail until finally after a month (or longer can't remember) and all of a sudden these "feelings" come up.

If you're going to tell him how you feel, just be ABSOLUTELY sure that it's him that you really like and not something recently that has happened that indirectly and temporarily jolted these feelings

Gosh, this thread is like deja-vu.