Support vs. Enable

[SoftPyramid]

I have a boyfriend. We have a kitten. We are also very much in love. (Eeeww, I know.)

When we met almost two years ago, I was mixed up in a pretty awful cocktail of booze, depression, self-injurious behavior, disordered eating and
65-hour work weeks. He was at the tail end an all-consuming meth addiction that had shattered life as he knew it.

I’m pretty sure we saved each other’s lives.

Fast forward to the present: We’re both happy and healthy. He and his parents are on speaking terms again thanks, they’ve said, to my “positive influence.”

He’s told me many, many times he doesn’t know what would’ve happened to him if he hadn’t met me. And I know he has rescued me in more ways than I’ll probably ever know.

(P.S. Please don’t puke your guts out. Sorry for the mushy stuff. Not trying to be over-dramatic or boastful, I just think it’s important to understand the facts of our relationship.)

Then he lost his job. He found a new one. Then, he lost that one, too. Repeat. After that, my appendix ruptured and I didn’t get a paycheck for a month. Then, my car broke down. . . You get the idea.

It’s been five months now, and I am the sole bread winner. My bank account is drained, and I’m having trouble staying afloat. I pay for everything; from our rent to his cigarettes.

I’m really stressed right the F out.

He’s trying to find work. But, it’s hard. He’s been volunteering at a local soup kitchen a few days a week just so he doesn’t feel completely worthless. (Bonus: The little old ladies running it have big time Grandma-crushes on him. Free groceries!)

He helps how he is able. (taking out the trash, tidying up while I’m at work, having dinner ready when I get home, etc) I appreciate his effort, I really do. It breaks my little heart that he’s so eager to please, but chores don’t help me when there are bills to pay.

So, where is division between supporting someone while they get their life back together and enabling a person/life to remain under construction?

Am I an enabler? Does paying for our life together mean I am sabotaging him and us?

Or, am I being an impatient jerk?

For me, it’s not only about the money. It’s about knowing what it took to get the BF where he is today, and doing my best to keep him healthy. I’d do anything for him, but I don’t want to end up doing too much.

Has anyone else ever supported/been supported by a SO?

Thanks for your help.

[SunDevil]

Have you discussed your finances with your bf? How closely do you track your spending? Do you have an idea of how much you spend each month and how much you make?

I know that there are a lot of people who support a family on 1 salary, including mine growing up. You just have to look at the numbers and figure out what you can do. Try not to argue or get too emotional, but try to come up with a 3-month plan & a 1-year plan.

[winneythepooh7]

What are the reasons he lost his jobs? What is he qualified to do? What types of jobs is he applying for? What type of job would you be satisfied with him finding?

[nikorock28]

Have you discussed your finances with your bf? How closely do you track your spending? Do you have an idea of how much you spend each month and how much you make?

I know that there are a lot of people who support a family on 1 salary, including mine growing up. You just have to look at the numbers and figure out what you can do. Try not to argue or get too emotional, but try to come up with a 3-month plan & a 1-year plan.

Many less families are able to survive on one income nowadays. It's not like it was 20 or 30 yrs ago.

[wordsmith]

Yep. My family of SIX was raised on one income, but by the time I started college, my mom had no choice but to go back to work to supplement my dad's income. Now that it's just her and my dad and marginally my younger sister, who works but does still live at home, so contributes to household expenses, the income is still needed. My mom loved being a homemaker/stay at home mom, but that's no longer realistic, even when you're not raising a family.

[nikorock28]

Yes, my parents said when they first came to southern CA 30+ yrs ago they rented an apartment for $160 a month. Nowadays, A ROOM in a house goes for $650-700 and the cheapest one bedroom apartments are pushing $1,000. Granted this is crazy CA, but wages have definitely not increased as much as inflation across the board (neglecting housing even).

[Ciderhillnh]

If he is busy helping you around the house.....what is he doing to find another job?

I would have a better time being patient if while I was working I knew he was at home applying and going on iterviews and exhausting every possible avenue to find work than if he was doing nothing at all.

If he is doing nothing other than taking care of the house and occasionally dabbling on the job hunt, then you are enabeling him because he has NO reason to really look because the bills are on your head not his.

[WorkInProgress]

You might need to figure out what efforts he's putting into finding a paying job, and the two of you need to come to an agreement/plan on how to pursue that. It is great that he's finding productive ways to spend his time (and makes me believe that he's not a total slacker, yay), but if he needs a paying job for you two to stay afloat, financially, then that's what's got to happen, even if it's not an ideal job.

[Syracuse]

That's a sad story really, because it sucks how a household can't survive on one wage anymore. He sounds like a good guy who has had bad luck, meth addiction but overcame it, doesn't just slack off does chores and such around the house. But yeah he's gotta get a job. Money problems can ruin a relationship which is always a huge shame.

[SoftPyramid]

Thank you all for your responses and comments. I know it's weird to give advice to a total stranger via internet, so thank you very much for your time and concern.

I know he needs to get a job n-o-w. I know he's not trying hard enough. I know I make excuses for him.

It's hard to say those things to him, but he's 23 (B-day today - sort of. Leap year baby.) He can handle a little shove in the right direction.

Sitting down and forming plan of action together is good advice. My patience is wearing out and I'm getting tired of his ambivalence. (Good sign, for me. I'm usually super apathetic.)

I think your suggestions will help us figure this out. Thanks, again.

[Syracuse]

So is he really 5 years old then?

[wordsmith]

Realistically, what's the job market like in your area? I know that where I live, it is NOT easy to come by decent employment...a fair number of McJobs, but nothing that would allow somebody to contribute much to a household. So finding something that really pays anything substantial takes a lot of time and good fortune in regard to timing and who you know.

I also agree that you need to see what his methods are for looking, and why he's not trying hard enough, if he's not.

[SoftPyramid]

Wordsmith: We live in the slowly dying rust belt of Ohio. Real jobs are hard to find, McJobs are availible. He, however, is limited to jobs within walking distance as he lost his licence when he was all about the meth.

Syracuse: Yep. He's five. I'll think we'll celebrate the little guy's birthday today by me getting arrested.

[Ciderhillnh]

Public transit?

Even if he has to take a job at McDs, its still better than nothing. With some good experience, managers there make good money with great benefits.

[nikorock28]

If money is stressing you the F out, then I think he should get ANY job until he finds something better.

[Syracuse]

One problem is working at a McJob can be very stressful and depressing, which could lead him back to the meth.

[WorkInProgress]

One problem is working at a McJob can be very stressful and depressing, which could lead him back to the meth.

So you're advocating what, exactly? Not getting a paying job?

[nikorock28]

If there are no jobs within walking distance and public transit is not an option, a relocation might be necessary so he has more potential jobs available.

[Syracuse]

So you're advocating what, exactly? Not getting a paying job?
nO JUST MENTIONING oops mentioning potential pitfalls, have him get a job but be sure to give plenty of support at the same time.

[Kitty]

can't he get a job where you carpool? Like drop him off on your way to work? Honestly, this all sounds like a bunch of excuses. At this point, he should be taking ANY job while he looks for another job.

[nikorock28]

can't he get a job where you carpool? Like drop him off on your way to work? Honestly, this all sounds like a bunch of excuses. At this point, he should be taking ANY job while he looks for another job.

Especially since it has been 5 months. It would be different if he had savings and was able to pay his share financially, but that is not the case.

[wordsmith]

Wordsmith: We live in the slowly dying rust belt of Ohio. Real jobs are hard to find, McJobs are availible. He, however, is limited to jobs within walking distance as he lost his licence when he was all about the meth.


Thsi was my suspicion, in part because meth is most rampant in economically depressed areas (like where I am, as well). I also wondered if there were ramifications from the meth use that were hindering the employment situation.

That IS going to hinder his ability to get gainful employment, I think. I live in a similar area, and I doubt it's as simple as "just excuses."

[Vikarious]

One problem is working at a McJob can be very stressful and depressing, which could lead him back to the meth.


THAT is an enabling frame of mind.

You're making excuses why he can't get a job. LOTS of jobs are stressful and depressing, even if they pay great. And LOTS of those great paying jobs you can't just walk away from at the end of the day.


If he were my SO, he'd need to get his ass to a McJob and bring in some money to cover his cigs and food AT THE MINIMUM.

[GoogleGirl]

[QUOTE=SoftPyramid]Wordsmith: We live in the slowly dying rust belt of Ohio. Real jobs are hard to find, McJobs are availible.QUOTE]

Um...I'm really afraid to ask this, but where exactly in Ohio? I am moving there in 1 month and I am reeeeaaaallly concerned about finding a job. Are you anywhere near the north east part?