"awkward" friendship...

[GreenwithEnvy]

During high school, I met this girl who was a year younger than me. We had a lot in common, got very close, stayed in touch after graduation, blah, blah, blah.
Of course we don't talk as much now as we did in high school since we're both pretty busy people and have changed a little and all that. But over the past 2 years, my friend has been dating this guy who...well I just don't know. I know OF him and have met him, but don't really know him personally. He seems like a pretty decent guy and my friend obviously loves him a lot. He actually proposed to her at Christmas so they are officially engaged.
The problem is...their relationship. I believe they love each other...I really do. But they have SO MANY PROBLEMS. His family doesn't like my friend OR her family. Her family doesn't like him or HIS family. They are all psycho and immature, in short. It's like this whole Romeo & Juliet thing except for my friend's boyfriend is sort of letting his mother control his life at the age of 24 and he won't admit it.
I don't understand why no one likes each other. My friend and her bf are decent people -- she's a nursing student who is so sweet and funny and considerate. He's an EMT and a cop and...I just don't understand it. Their families are insane and it's killing their relationship.
This guy also has a HUGE temper problem. He's not physically violent, thank god, but he says a lot of things to a lot of people to offend them and hurt them in the heat of the moment and this is also causing problems in their relationship.
They've been to couples conslers and she's been to an individual counsler, and he even admitted that he needs to start seeing one to deal with his anger.
But MY problem is that the only time I ever talk to my friend is when she's crying and upset and at a loss over what to do with this insane relationship. We've been talking and going around and around about this for more than a year now.
In all honesty, I'm getting a little tired of it. I've offered my suggestions and I listen and console and comfort but...it's just the same things over and over and over. And it's the only time we ever talk and it's ALL we ever talk about. It's just a luke warm friendship b/c her schooling and nursing and relationship overshadow anything else in her life and almost anything else in my life.
I've never blown her off b/c i do still love her as a friend but...I just can't take this drama with her relationship anymore.
Any suggestions??

[Chameleon]

You could ask her if she's happy with him and what she gets out of the relationship. She is clearly miserable, why is she still with him? Even without the crazy family stuff, her fiance sounds like an man with a serious anger problem. Sure he doesn't hit her now but domestic violence usually starts with verbal abuse.

You have to protect your sanity, if it gets too much, tell her you have to leave or try to change the subject. You could make the topic of her relationship off limits because her venting about it seems to be in lieu of actually dealling with the problem. Do your best to stop enabling her. Also, you have to realize that there's a limit to what you can do for her. You can't make her leave, you can't make her want a healthy relationship, you can't make her stop crying all the time.

Good luck.

[weary]

i have to second everything chameleon said. and as someone who's been in your shoes and is slowly separating from the friendship...it hurts and it sucks, but you can't make yourself crazy over it.

my friend and her husband have been having mounting trouble for years. we had a pretty solid relationship for a while, but as their relationship got worse, so did ours (for the same reasons you're experiencing with your friend). i have no problem being there for someone i love and listening, consoling, etc. but i will not sit idly by and offer "it's going to be okay"s and the like when it's so very obviously NOT. and as i get older i have less and less patience for the heavily lopsided relationships that seem to happen when you're the one who's always the shoulder, ear, etc and not much more.

[chicagogirl]

I've had a similar problem with a friend of mine. It's frustrating because she has the same problems over and over again with different guys. I don't really know if there's a solution as far as you're concerned. If you've voiced your ideas and concerns,and she doesn't want to hear them, then you might want to consider pulling back a bit. I ended up telling my friend my frustrations because I just didn't want to hear the same stuff over and over again. That and she would just dump stuff on me, but wasn't interested in listening to me. We're still friends, but I don't think we're as close as before. However, after explaining that to her, she has started to actually listen to me, which is nice. But I agree, you have to protect your own sanity.

[Lizanne440]

I have very close girl friends from high school who are in a similar situation, and when I ask them if they're happy they say yes but I know they're not. I'm always the person there for them when they fight or they're upset. I grew tired of it over the years, but now I know I will continue to stick by them and be there when things get really bad. I'd want a friend of mine to do the same. I stayed with an asshole for way too long, and even though my friends tried to warn me, I had to experience it for myself.

[Wonder Woman]

Just curious, you don't like her at all, right? Thought the line "so sweet and funny and considerate" was kind of interesting, so just wanted to be sure. You should just tell her straight up. It doesn't sound like you're getting much out of the relationship and so what's the point of staying in it? Friendship is a two way street.