Hand Holding

[CityGal]

Don’t know if some of you remember but a few days ago I asked for advice on how to cheer up someone. Well it turns out that that someone is experiencing a QLC of her own. Unlike me, she has someone to help her through this situation. I’ve mostly had to go through this on my own. I’ve had to find various sources (QLC message board, therapist, etc) to help me through this. As far back as I can remember I’ve had to do almost everything in my life on my own. No one truly took my handed and walked me step-by-step. However I know a few people who have been hand held a lot in their lives. In a way it frustrates me and in another way I just think it’s sad for both me and the hand-holdee. It sort of upsets me that I’ve never had someone to truly show me the ropes and that I’ve had to learn how to deal with them on my own.

I guess the main point to all this is that I want to hear people’s experiences. Did you just get tossed out in the wild, get instructions on how to do stuff or did someone walk you through it?

[Winter Storm]

I think you have to more specific. There are things were I definitely received guidance and help and others where I was on my own.

For instance, my father taught me about finances and the importance of savings and made me open my own savings account at 15, getting college finding a job, moving out, I learned somewhat from school and peers. Then you have dating and relationships: thrown out in the wild.

[CityGal]

Guess it's a pretty general question. In the relationship world, I feel completely lost even to this day. I have no idea what to do and what not to. I guess the question has to do with getting your life straight. Did someone help you decide on whether or not to go to school? Did someone help you apply for school from beginning to end? Did they someone help with financial aid? Tell you how to survive college? The Dos and Donts of college or the work place? How to go about getting your own place?

Hmmm....I guess when you ask people they would be willing to help. But, did someone just offer to help you with all these without you asking for help?

[AshleyJordan]

I guess the main point to all this is that I want to hear people’s experiences. Did you just get tossed out in the wild, get instructions on how to do stuff or did someone walk you through it?

Totally tossed out into the wild, so to speak. Forced to get my own apartment and handle my own finances at 16, which of course sucks and of course I had to talk to a shrink about all that, but I am now (I like to think) a very together, savvy, accomplished, and in many ways "old" 24.

[winneythepooh7]

It's hard to say. Some things I did receive a lot of help, many others I totally figured out for myself.

[AshleyJordan]

Did someone help you decide on whether or not to go to school?
No.
Did someone help you apply for school from beginning to end?
Guidance Counselor
Did they someone help with financial aid?
Guidance Counselor
Tell you how to survive college?
Friends/Peer Advisor
The Dos and Donts of college or the work place?
Friends
How to go about getting your own place?
No
Yes, I had to ask people for advice, which I think is a very healthy thing to do.

[cheshrcarol]

My parents helped me out a lot with things like college applications and paying for school. They did not help me with the social or educational aspects of college - those I had to figure out for myself.

I have done all my job stuff on my own and figuring out living situations on my own. Ironically, both my parents are accountants and great with money, but they never taught me anything about handling my own finances. I think they just take the ability for granted.

[Winter Storm]

Did someone help you decide on whether or not to go to school? Nope. My mother actually discouraged me from going at all.

Did someone help you apply for school from beginning to end? Nope, but I found filling out applications pretty self explanatory and I knew how to write an essay

Did they someone help with financial aid? The government. They granted me loans.

Tell you how to survive college? Survive? No. I just took classes and worked. I did seek advisors' help when I needed it.

The Dos and Donts of college or the work place? College? No, But school did provide info in the workplace and what to expect.

How to go about getting your own place? My ex and friends gave advice.

...did someone just offer to help you with all these without you asking for help? Yes, some of it was just offered.

[CityGal]

I feel like with all these situations I got minimal help. Once I'm through going through the rough patches I find it sort of annoying that people ask me about how to do it considering that I had to figure them out mostly on my own. Eh....it just annoys me a bit that I am willing to really help people at times and they can't remember to do the same.

[allie1105]

I like your format, Winter :)

Did someone help you decide on whether or not to go to school? Yes. My parents encouraged me from an early age to get a college education.

Did someone help you apply for school from beginning to end? Not really - I know my dad flipped through my completed apps just to ensure I didn't miss anything, but besides that I was on my own.

Did they someone help with financial aid? My parents paid for my undergrad degree. However, now I am lost with grad school - I have no idea how to get a loan. Luckily I was granted a graduate assistantship, so the school picked up enough of the cost that I had enough $$ pay out of pocket.

Tell you how to survive college? Nope. Actually, my parents sheltered me so much when I was at home, that I had a tough time adjusting to college life - freedom was a new thing for me.

The Dos and Donts of college or the work place? I thought the do's and don'ts of college weren't too hard to figure out, but college did provide lots of tips on how to survive the workplace.

How to go about getting your own place? My husband bought a house before I graduated, and my sister-in-law was our realtor so she explained everything to us.

...did someone just offer to help you with all these without you asking for help? Yes, especially with the house and stuff. Our parents gave us lots of tips...they did not assist us financially but gave us lots of advice. One friend that I have just bought her first home and her parents gave her a huge down payment.

[AshleyJordan]

I feel like with all these situations I got minimal help. Once I'm through going through the rough patches I find it sort of annoying that people ask me about how to do it considering that I had to figure them out mostly on my own. Eh....it just annoys me a bit that I am willing to really help people at times and they can't remember to do the same.

Well, speaking as someone who's had to figure out most of this stuff the hard way I can say that it may be because people just assume that you're very competent and able to take care of your own stuff. . . which of course is a great thing in many ways!! I also had to learn to ask for help, and to accept it when BFs and friends give me a hand, which was actually really hard for me-- I was very used to struggling to be Superwoman.

[coll214]

Did someone help you decide on whether or not to go to school?
Nope, it was just expected, it was more WHERE are you going as opposed to ARE you?
Did someone help you apply for school from beginning to end?
Nope, I filled out the applications, wrote the essays, handed them in
Did they someone help with financial aid?
Didn't get any
Tell you how to survive college?
Nope, best way to figure it out is being there
The Dos and Donts of college or the work place?
Friends, and trial and error
How to go about getting your own place?
Nope, no one thought I would get one; so i just found a place and moved out.

I HATE asking people for help, and it's actually gotten me in trouble at work for being "too independent" :rolleyes:. I was taught to be self-sufficient and wouldn't have it any other way. I have friends at almost 28 who still have to get mommy's advice on everything they do.

[winneythepooh7]

Did someone help you decide on whether or not to go to school? Yes. My parents also encouraged me to go to college from very early on, I really had no choice in the matter.

Did someone help you apply for school from beginning to end? No. I mean, my parents filled out the financial aid piece, but that's it.

Did someone help with financial aid? My parents paid for a good portion of my undergrad and they did take out a private loan for me to help out with living expenses during graduate school.

Tell you how to survive college? Nope. I was also very sheltered. My first 2 years of college were at a local community college because my parents were afraid I wasn't "mature" enough to handle being away (ie. afraid I'd party too much ;) ).

The Dos and Donts of college or the work place? Pretty much figured out on my own.

How to go about getting your own place? Figured it out on my own. Also my first couple of apartments were with roomies, and I eased into my very own apartment because a friend had her own apartment in the same building.

[B]...did someone just offer to help you with all these without you asking for help?My parents have helped out financially from time to time. When my fiance and I purchase our first home, we are getting a lot of financial help from his family with the downpayment. Other than that, we will be on our own.

[Winter Storm]

I like your format, Winter :)


I just modified AshleyJordan's. :)

[allie1105]

I just modified AshleyJordan's. :)


Oops. :)

I like your format, AshleyJordan!

[CTGirl]

Did someone help you decide on whether or not to go to school?
My parents encouraged me to do what made me happy - so long as I could make a living. They were always in favor of college, and we knew that, but it was up to us what path to take.

Did someone help you apply for school from beginning to end? My parents were around when I had questions, or needed advice, but I decided to go, so I did all the work.

Did someone help with financial aid?
The deal in my family is that they pay for the first 4 years, and we pay for anything more. I did apply for financial aid though, and also got a scholarship in undergrad.

Tell you how to survive college?
No, never really felt like I needed help there. I guess the work they'd done raising me up to that point was solid enough.

The Dos and Donts of college or the work place?
Same as above.

How to go about getting your own place?
Same as above, did it on my own.

...did someone just offer to help you with all these without you asking for help?
My parents never had to "offer" their help, I always knew they were there if I needed backup, just as they are now.

[eastcoaster782]

Don’t know if some of you remember but a few days ago I asked for advice on how to cheer up someone. Well it turns out that that someone is experiencing a QLC of her own. Unlike me, she has someone to help her through this situation. I’ve mostly had to go through this on my own. I’ve had to find various sources (QLC message board, therapist, etc) to help me through this. As far back as I can remember I’ve had to do almost everything in my life on my own. No one truly took my handed and walked me step-by-step. However I know a few people who have been hand held a lot in their lives. In a way it frustrates me and in another way I just think it’s sad for both me and the hand-holdee. It sort of upsets me that I’ve never had someone to truly show me the ropes and that I’ve had to learn how to deal with them on my own.

I guess the main point to all this is that I want to hear people’s experiences. Did you just get tossed out in the wild, get instructions on how to do stuff or did someone walk you through it?


It was a gradual letting go of "hand-holding." College finances came from two sources: govt aid and parents. During college, my advisor and other profs gave me the skills/ideas, but I pretty much made the final decisions on my own since it was really my education. Post-college thru today: everything's done solely by me (i.e. finances/budget, rent, and other bills, apt search, finding my current place of employment, etc).

I wish though I would have had a little more encouragment from the people mentioned above. Here's why: my parents basically wanted me to earn the degree and move out immediately following graduation. They were lucky enough to find full-time employment w/ benefits right after they finished school, so they just assumed that I would too. They would just get really pissed off at me when I wasn't picked after going through interviews, etc. So for a while, I was pretty depressed and blamed everything on myself. I tried talking to my profs (because they were then and still are the nicest people I know), but I don't think they really understood how awful things were at home. I needed someone to believe in me and defend my actions rather than me just feeling completely alone and scared that I wasn't going to amount to anything.

[shorty]

For the most part, I think I got tossed out in the wild. Sometimes I wish I had someone there to help guide me through (but not hold my hand). My family offers advice (sometimes unwanted advice). But I'm a bit of a loner, I try to be independent, and I hate asking for help.

[PenforPrez]

Did someone help you decide on whether or not to go to school?
Had a couple of mentors who strongly encouraged it. My father wanted me to go into his line of work (sheet metal) and forget college, but that just was not going to happen.

Did someone help you apply for school from beginning to end?
Nope, did it on my own, and totally clueless at that. It's a miracle I got accepted.

Did someone help with financial aid?
I handled all the government forms for financial aid and did all the math myself. After my first year, I had it down pretty good. :)

Tell you how to survive college?
It wasn't college in and of itself that I had to survive. It was everything else! Had plenty of on-campus counseling, and I developed other mentors and people to look up to.

The Dos and Donts of college or the work place?
Oh God, at almost 27, I'm STILL totally clueless on that! :redface:

How to go about getting your own place?
I have no problems with that, the problem is getting enough money to move into a place of my own. :torn:

...did someone just offer to help you with all these without you asking for help?
I had to do most of these things on my own. When I got into school, the first woman I worked for really helped me understand things better, and I still look up to her in that regard.

Paul

[dacrunkest]

Did someone help you decide on where to go to school?
Yes and no...my dad and I sat down and I had gathered dozens of college brochures. We obviously could not visit all of them, but I know he wanted to take me on a trip to visit colleges, so he and I looked through the brochures, the academic offerings, ect...and he asked me which ones I would really like to go to, and narrow it down to about six. So we went on the trip, and one of the schools I just kinda felt was the place for me.


Did someone help you apply for school from beginning to end?
I didn't have a computer at the time (1996). So I remember going into my dad's office with the applications to fill them out on his secretary's typewriter. I wrote the essays on an office computer. I did it on my own, but had both of my parents read through them and provide feedback. Then I revised accordingly - some of their suggestions I liked, others I did not.


Did someone help with financial aid?
My dad and the good ol' government. Also managed to pick up $6000/yr off tuition as long as I played in the jazz band.

Tell you how to survive college?
Heck no. My dad and mom were in the car for the first time since they divorced, and drove me to Boston, took a look around the school and left me with my bags and stuff in front of the dorm (I didn't bring a car to Boston...decided it was too impractical). They said it was tradition. I think they were in Boston for about 3 hours at most (we may have gone out to lunch). I called them once a week until Christmas just to chat, and then after Christmas it became once every two weeks.

The Dos and Donts of college or the work place?
College? My folks said "just get good grades and we won't bug you". The Workplace? My dad told me to get a haircut and stop looking like I woke up on a frathouse floor. That was about it.

How to go about getting your own place?
I have been finding my own apartments since college (no housing gaurantee at NU after Sophmore year). They have seen my apartments, and commented...( I had to take some pretty crappy ones in Boston because of the COL, but I didn't mind it...it was an adventure ).

...did someone just offer to help you with all these without you asking for help?
Yes, but I am stubborn as a mule about accepting help.

I did get a little help aside from tuition...one time my gramps let me use his frequent flier miles so that I could fly home (he has a gozillian miles on one particular airline because he traveled a lot when he was working). Also, when my great-grandmother died, I really didn't have the money to fly home and my dad called the airline and helped me book a berievement fare (I hadn't known such a thing existed). Most other times, I would buy my own Greyhound ticket...or if I could pick up a cheap flight I would. Sometimes my mom would send me a care package or a card with $20 in it (like 4 times a year). So yeah, I did get a little help, and I don't look upon it as a bad thing...

[EmberMae]

Did someone help you decide on whether or not to go to school? There wasn't really an option there. It was expected of me from when I was a kid.

Did someone help you apply for school from beginning to end? Not really. I just followed the instructions on the applications. My parents did visit colleges and gather information with me, but I filled out the applications myself.

Did they someone help with financial aid? I got merit scholarships myself. My parents paid for the rest.

Tell you how to survive college? Not especially. College was different when my parents were there so most of their advice was not valid. I was told it would be the best time of my life and it was a real let down.

The Dos and Donts of college or the work place? Not really, aside from my reading. Again my parents tried to help but a lot of their advice was not applicable to my situation.

How to go about getting your own place? My first apartment I mostly just did on my own. Maybe I asked other people I knew who lived in apartments, but I don't remember.

...did someone just offer to help you with all these without you asking for help? My parents definately tried to help without my asking but it was not always that helpful.

[wordsmith]

Did someone help you decide on whether or not to go to school?
It was a given, there was no decision to be made. I was an honors student/in gifted programs, and very academically inclined. I always loved school, there was no way considering quitting at 18 was even something that was in my head. My majors, courses of study, study abroad opps, etc. were all my own choices, never anything I had to run by anybody unless I wanted to seek feedback. Def. wasn't a kid whose parents attempted to dictate what I got my degree in.

Did someone help you apply for school from beginning to end?
I went to my dad with any questions I had, but it was all pretty self-explanatory. My parents did agree to take me on any college visits I wanted to go on, no matter how far away. I was the oldest kid, and the first to be making those choices, so it was all exciting and new for them. Four kids into the process, with my sister, they were slightly less on fire for the process, just worn out. I actually took her on a few college visits, myself.

Did they someone help with financial aid?
My dad helped me line up the documentation and look for loads upon loads of obscure scholarships. Without his suggestions, I wouldn't have been able to get the high percentage of my schooling for free, I have no doubt. He was really a great help at securing all the need-based aide I was eligible for, I wouldn't have been financially savvy enough at 17 to figure it out on my own.

Tell you how to survive college?
Figured it out on my own, seeking out resources as need be. I had a lot of academic encouragement from my family, who were mostly just concerned that I was pushing myself too hard. My college matched all first year students to a faculty member who was your personal advisor/mentor until you declared a major and got a departmental advisor. That first advisor was also prepped to serve as a counselor if you needed anything. Some profs didn't take the role seriously, but mine was amazing, and provided loads of personal support and mentorship that really made a difference for me. She passed away from cancer when I was a couple of years out, and I got to write a tribute to her in some publications the school put out.

The Dos and Donts of college or the work place?
Figured it out on my own, seeking out resources as need be...more experienced mentors are always good.

How to go about getting your own place?
Figured it out on my own, seeking out resources as need be.

My family's never been in a position to help me out financially, but they're probably the best providers of emotional support I know.

[embrassezla]

Did someone help you decide on whether or not to go to school?
Same as Words' answer. It was a given that I'd go.

Did someone help you apply for school from beginning to end?
I applied on my own. As for deciding which school to go to, I figured out my list on my own, and my parents took me to visit the places. My dad, though, made me visit some religious school in PA where you had to go to church every morning and couldn't have males in your dorm building at ALL, ever. Haha, it was a cute effort on his part, but no way was I going there. Ultimately I went to state school, along with 20% of my graduating class.

Did they someone help with financial aid?
My parents had started a college fund for me that ended up paying for my first year. The rest was financial aid, for which they did all the paperwork.

Tell you how to survive college?
No one, but I never had a problem. My parents still say I was the least homesick college student ever. I just found my place really easily and had a great time.

The Dos and Donts of college or the work place?
On my own for the most part in college, with the exception of a mentor for grad school. I've always had mentors in the work place that were very valuable to me.

How to go about getting your own place?
Mostly on my own; I lived with roommates all throughout college so by the time I was ready for my own place in grad school, I knew the routine.

[redav]

School
No. Going to college was always just a given. I made up my own mind about where to go, what to major in, etc. I set my own criteria. I did receive support from my parents in my decisions, though, but not much in the way of advice.

Applications
No. It was straightforward enough.

Financial Aid
No. I did these myself as well. I did use the schools database and some others. I applied for just about everything, but got no scholarships. My great-grandparents had saved some money when I was born to pay for college. (They thought it would pay for everything, but they didn't know how expensive it had become. Instead, it paid for about a third.) My parents picked up about a third, and I paid about a third.

How to survive
Not really. I occasionally asked for advice (Is taking the bus a good deal? What should I look for in an apt lease?) but I consider those things normal in life; I still ask others for input/insight when making decisions or doing something the first time.
One thing, though, is that I never had the experience that I was 'surviving' anything. College was a continuation/expansion of what I was already learning to do (independence, self-reliance, etc). It was a transition from being a kid in my parents' house to being on my own.

Dos & Don'ts
My parents taught me what was right & wrong. They also taught me about cause & effect (consequences/rewards). Everything else is derived from that. I don't recall ever hearing 'rules' about college or the workplace (beyond HR policies & such). It all seemed like common sense.

Getting my own place
Yes, my parents helped me find my first apt at school. I also bounced some ideas off them about places to live after I got out of school. When I started looking for a house, I asked a lot of questions about their experiences, but this was my initiative, and definitely not hand-holding.

taking a job
When I was interviewing and deciding what offer to take, I asked my dad for his thoughts, but he refused to tell me because it was my decision, and he didn't want in any way to make it for me, even if I ended up making a decision that he disagreed with. It was a bit frustrating at the time since I value his opinion, and I consider what he says very seriously, but in the end I make my own decisions.

Was help just offered?
Parents: Before I left for school, obviously yes--that's a parent's job. My first year away, sure they offered to help with things. After that, I was in a pretty good swing of things, so I would go to them if I needed advice. Even that decreased with time, and when I graduated, I was pretty much fully self-supporting.

As far as others ... I don't even know who my school councilor was, and I was the one giving advice to my friends. My profs didn't do much other than professional/technical advice (which is their job).

[Ciderhillnh]

Did someone help you decide on whether or not to go to school?
No. It was expected of me from a very early age.
Did someone help you apply for school from beginning to end?
I was involved in extracurricular activities starting when I was in 6th grade to help me get in.
We got the princeton review and I bookmarked pages of schools that looked good and requested information.
From there we visited 8 schools and I applied to all 8. I hand wrote all of my applications with my Dad next to me for spelling or questions on phrasing certain answers.
My essay I wrote on my own with help from my English teacher.
From there the 6 colleges that accepted me were my choices, and the choice was all mine.

Did they someone help with financial aid?
My parents said they would pay for 4 years, anything more than that (including winter session, summer school or abroad would be on me) All extra expenses were on me so I worked all summer and every vacation to have money.

Tell you how to survive college?
I had gone to overnight camp from 12- 18, so I knew what it was like to be away from home. Since it was a very structured environment with 'majors' that consisted of majoring in a camp activity such as swim….I knew it was going to be similar though with school work, and rather than cabins it would be dorms.

The Dos and Donts of college or the work place?
That came from those I knew in college and those I knew at work. I had been in the office environment since I was 12, and had worked in many different offices (never worked retail or as a waitress) so I had the experience and used it once I got out into the work force.
For college, I knew so many people in college when I was growing up due to camp I had already talked to them about it and heard what they said.
Once I got to URI if you're talking about admission to classes and politics, that was a figure it out as you go plan.

How to go about getting your own place?
Mostly trial and error. I approached it as I do any major decision….gather facts, cross reference, read a book and go at it.
I think hand-holding in general…..too much of it hinders the ability to stand and be confident on your own 2 feet, too little stands to let that person make many mistakes and hopefully not big ones.
There is a happy medium, and it all depends on the individual, their maturity and understanding as for how much you give or don’t.
I know people whose parents hand held and STILL hand hold today and because of this they are incapable of making their own decisions, and they rely on their parents to take care of everything (also fault of the parents for continueing to do this for their children) but these 'adults' act like they are 17…..and they are close to 30, its pathetic. They cant pay bills, they cant go food shopping, its just so sad.