She is attracted but I am not....

[RustyGator]

I am having some issues that I wanted to bounce off some people. First some brief background. I am 26. I have had one serious girlfriend in my life and probably been on a total of 8 non-girlfriend dates in my life. In short, my love life has been pretty sparse.

Fast forward. I moved to a new town to take a job and had to start from scratch. Over the last two years since I have lived here, I have met a couple of nice, fun, down-to-earth girls here. One is a close friend from work who I have never actually dated but spent a lot of time with. The other is a girl I met more recently through an internet dating site. I have run into the same problem (?) with both, however--I just want to be friends with them. The basic reason is that I am not physically attracted to either of them. I think of other girls I have dated and how there was chemistry/excitement, "that feeling" etc. Am I being too picky in this case? I personally feel that I am being honest with myself yet, in the meantime, I moan and groan about not having a girlfriend and this seems nonsensical sometimes. Am I an idiot?

As a footnote, I am not killer in the looks department nor do I think I am unattractive (like most folks I guess). I just think that I can find a girl who I am truly attracted to....

Thoughts are appreciated.

[dacrunkest]

what works for some, doesn't for others...

Totally ambigous I know. Have you tried to really get to know the woman who likes you? Because there might be something inside that person that you may end up really loving, and then appearance becomes just something on the periphery.

Jay.

[aggiegrad05]

You definitely have the right attitude about this. I say go with your initial gut reaction. You said that the chemistry isn't there, and that's the main issue. You can still be friends with them and hang out and see if something develops over time, but I wouldn't force the issue with someone you're just not into. The fun of dating is meeting new people, getting to know them and seeing if you have that connection with them. If it's not there, then what's the point of dating them?

Keep on doing what you're doing and just have fun with being single! Don't overthink things -- if it's not there, it's not there.

[nikorock28]

You are not being too picky... if you are not attracted to someone you are not attracted to them. Of course, it is always possible an attraction may grow with time, but right now it's not happening and there is nothing wrong with that.

[and1grad]

You are not being too picky... if you are not attracted to someone you are not attracted to them. Of course, it is always possible an attraction may grow with time, but right now it's not happening and there is nothing wrong with that.
Totally agree. If attraction isnt there, it isnt there. I wouldnt try to make sense of it. Attraction rarely makes sense.

[Chameleon]

Physical attraction is very important, imagine how torturous it would be to settle for someone you aren't attracted to and then meet someone you do click with physically.

While you are being introspective though, examine if your standards are realistic - are you holding women to a standard that you are nowhere near? Do you have a "type" that you never deviate from? I don't think it'll help with these two women but it could help you be open to meeting and dating more people.

[Winter Storm]

I just think that I can find a girl who I am truly attracted to....
I agree.

If you aren't attracted now, its unlikely you'll grow attracted with time. If you're not feeling any chemistry with either, I'd keep looking.

[fuzmiq]

I agree with basically everything that everyone else has already said. I can understand you thought because I am the same way. But the advice my friends gave me was...just trust yourself. You like what you like and that is okay. You don't need to feel bad about it.

I am in this situation in reverse. I like this guy and I think he just wants to be friends. If this girl is anything like me (as far as this situation goes), it'll be cool. Just let her have her crush on you.

[RustyGator]

I appreciate all of your responses. I feel like I am making the right decision now. Any advice on how to tell someone you are interested only in being friends?

[Winter Storm]

Just gently and politely tell them you are...

...interested only in being friends

[Kitty]

Yeah, the attraction has to be there. I've tried waiting around for the attraction to develop, and it has been my experience that it doesn't.

[Chameleon]

Any advice on how to tell someone you are interested only in being friends?
Be honest and tactful. You could say you enjoy their company, were getting the feeling that they were interested in more and you just wanted to clear that you are just friends. The sandwich method - compliments, bad news, compliments. Don't overthink it, just know that some distance might be necessary for a while.

Don't lie and say you aren't interested in dating someone from work because that almost guarantees that the next person you fall for would be a co-worker :) (Not that dating someone from work is a good idea to begin with)

[and1grad]

I'm not a big fan of the "we can only be friends" declaration. I think it just becomes awkward for everybody involved and winds up with a deteriorated friendship. I say only treat this person/these people as friends and if they want to be your friend, they will be. If not, they'll just leave you alone.

[Chameleon]

I'm not a big fan of the "we can only be friends" declaration. I think it just becomes awkward for everybody involved and winds up with a deteriorated friendship. I say only treat this person/these people as friends and if they want to be your friend, they will be. If not, they'll just leave you alone.
The friendships are already awkward and a lot of people hang on to the slightest thread of hope thinking "If I hang in the periphery long enough, s/he'll finally notice how wonderful I am". One of them has to be direct, most of the time it will destroy the friendship but it at least sets one of them free to stop torturing themselves.

[nikorock28]

I'm not a big fan of the "we can only be friends" declaration. I think it just becomes awkward for everybody involved and winds up with a deteriorated friendship. I say only treat this person/these people as friends and if they want to be your friend, they will be. If not, they'll just leave you alone.

I agree. Unless the girl is really pursuing him, I don't think a declaration is necessary.

[nikorock28]

The friendships are already awkward and a lot of people hang on to the slightest thread of hope thinking "If I hang in the periphery long enough, s/he'll finally notice how wonderful I am". One of them has to be direct, most of the time it will destroy the friendship but it at least sets one of them free to stop torturing themselves.

How does the OP know that the girls are torturing themselves? It doesn't seem to be that kind of situation.

EDIT: And if they are torturing themselves, it is their repsonsibility to let their feelings be expressed to the OP. At that point, he can then explain that he just wants to be friends. He shouldn't be the one, out of the blue, to make the "friends" declaration. It should be prompted.

[Xander]

...The sandwich method - compliments, bad news, compliments.
Hahah... I'll have to remember that one. :p

I'm terrible at telling girls I'm not interested (I don't want to hurt their feelings, but maybe cause I'm a wuss), so I end up going on dates I don't want to... don't do that. Yeah, it's totally because I'm a wuss, because I can't tell girls that I am interested, either. :p

Good luck brotha.

[wordsmith]

The friendships are already awkward and a lot of people hang on to the slightest thread of hope thinking "If I hang in the periphery long enough, s/he'll finally notice how wonderful I am". One of them has to be direct, most of the time it will destroy the friendship but it at least sets one of them free to stop torturing themselves.

That's my thought. Having to verbalize "I'm just looking for friendship" isn't the most Rico Suave thing to have to do, granted. But you know what's also damned awkward? NOT verbalizing that, and carrying on a one-sided-ish friendship that's a friendship in your eyes, but a hopeful prelude to something greater in the eyes of the infatuated other person, who's doggedly holding out for it to blossom into something more. The latter is WAY more likely to end badly.

[and1grad]

The friendships are already awkward and a lot of people hang on to the slightest thread of hope thinking "If I hang in the periphery long enough, s/he'll finally notice how wonderful I am". One of them has to be direct, most of the time it will destroy the friendship but it at least sets one of them free to stop torturing themselves.
Ya I totally understand that viewpoint as I have once been that hanger on guy. But I can only imagine how crushing it would be to have had that person turn to me and say "We're only friends, period" rather than my figuring it out myself. But in my instance, it didnt need spelling out. It was pretty obvious.

I've been the one to have to relay that message also and its not fun. Unfortunately it seemed to need to be clarified.

[wordsmith]

I'm terrible at telling girls I'm not interested (I don't want to hurt their feelings, but maybe cause I'm a wuss), so I end up going on dates I don't want to... don't do that.

Reverse the genders, and I've done this in the past...but I don't anymore. It's just postponing the inevitable, and causing the whole thing to snowball.

[Chameleon]

I agree. Unless the girl is really pursuing him, I don't think a declaration is necessary.
He's dating one of them, I think a "just friends" declaration is needed, the second, if he's imagining her attraction to him, I'd agree with letting things lie but he's obviously already uncomfortable about not being attracted to her which I take as an indication that she's done something that made him feel she was interested in him. I'm assuming he doesn't have the habit to declaring to all his platonic female friends that he's not physically attracted to them :razz:

[nikorock28]

He's dating one of them, I think a "just friends" declaration is needed, the second, if he's imagining her attraction to him, I'd agree with letting things lie but he's obviously already uncomfortable about not being attracted to her which I take as an indication that she's done something that made him feel she was interested in him. I'm assuming he doesn't have the habit to declaring to all his platonic female friends that he's not physically attracted to them :razz:

LOL, that is funny. I understand what you are saying, I just don't want it to be turned on him and make him look like a jackass. Like, the girl going, "what, you think I wanted to be more than friends?"

[Xander]

...NOT verbalizing that, and carrying on a one-sided-ish friendship that's a friendship in your eyes, but a hopeful prelude to something greater in the eyes of the infatuated other person, who's doggedly holding out for it to blossom into something more.
Definitely don't do this, Cham. I unknowingly did this to a girl for 5 years (I'm dense) and she ended up marrying the first guy she dated after I finally figured things out and told her we didn't have a future. Not cool. :neutral:

And her "signals" weren't subtle in any way. When she said, "I love you" and "You know I love you, right?" I thought she was joking... :frustrate

[Chameleon]

LOL, that is funny. I understand what you are saying, I just don't want it to be turned on him and make him look like a jackass. Like, the girl going, "what, you think I wanted to be more than friends?"
He could be wrong, but she could also be trying to save face by saying "What? Me and you? Ha!". Hopefully, he has the confidence to laugh it off and they both leave with their dignity.

[wordsmith]

Yeah, believe me, from having been on the super painful side of it (as opposed to the simply awkward side of it), it really feels like crap. Especially if the other party has acted in ways that lead you to believe the depth of feeling is reciprocated. I don't fancy myself to be unintuitive, but I've been fooled.

[Chameleon]

Definitely don't do this, Cham.
I think you are mistaking me with Rusty :) I don't think I've ever been in the position to have two people competing for my attention, I speak as a former tortured soul who flirted my ass off but was given the "I can't date you for a reason that will be totally invalidated by the next person I date" line.

[nikorock28]

Yeah, believe me, from having been on the super painful side of it (as opposed to the simply awkward side of it), it really feels like crap. Especially if the other party has acted in ways that lead you to believe the depth of feeling is reciprocated. I don't fancy myself to be unintuitive, but I've been fooled.

Well, the OP obviously shouldn't be leading anyone on. I am just saying I think the burden is on the person who is attracted to the OP. She should put herself out there so he knows how she feels and then he can make the "friends" declaration.

[wordsmith]

Well, the OP obviously shouldn't be leading anyone on. I am just saying I think the burden is on the person who is attracted to the OP. She should put herself out there so he knows how she feels and then he can make the "friends" declaration.

Yeah, this is more a tangental spinoff to what somebody else posted than the OP. But related, none the less.

Just noting why it can be important to make intentions clear...versus THINKING they're clear. And that sometimes, you need to verbalize things you wish you didn't have to, particularly if you've acted in ways that are likely to muddy the waters.

[nikorock28]

Yeah, this is more a tangental spinoff to what somebody else posted than the OP. But related, none the less.

Just noting why it can be important to make intentions clear...versus THINKING they're clear. And that sometimes, you need to verbalize things you wish you didn't have to, particularly if you've acted in ways that are likely to muddy the waters.

Yep, I agree. Intentions should always be clear.

[spiritedaway]

Not that I'm adding much here, since you explained it well...

but I've been on both sides, and I haven't decided which one is worse:

the infatuated side because you're seeing things through rose-colored glasses. i am thinking this is worse because the infatuated person is likely to be more emotionally invested. at least that's how it felt.

to verbalize that you're not interested is also a very uncomfortable thing to go through and i wouldn't have done it if it weren't for the discomfort over the issue and clear mixed signals (date-like events). you think you're just friends... i finally decided to verbalize it since I just don't have the heart to drag things out and i did it as gently as I can.

needless to say, i lost that friendship pretty quickly. maybe someday he'll be able to see that I did it because i care for him as a friend (even though it seems and feels like a cruel thing to do). i'd say verbalize if there is a huge discomfort/doubt of intention (over a period of time). actually, to be honest, i think if there is a guy i am interested in and he's not, i would rather he verbalizes it if i'm not getting it, for whatever reasons.

although...back in college, there is this guy in one of my project groups who asked me if I was interested in him one day. it was totally random (we don't even talk all that much, aside from school work and I don't even know him all that well). i think i went speechless. he then added that he's not into women (he's gay). i was just like...:question: :question: :question: what just happened???:question: :question: :question: I thought that was terribly awkward too.


That's my thought. Having to verbalize "I'm just looking for friendship" isn't the most Rico Suave thing to have to do, granted. But you know what's also damned awkward? NOT verbalizing that, and carrying on a one-sided-ish friendship that's a friendship in your eyes, but a hopeful prelude to something greater in the eyes of the infatuated other person, who's doggedly holding out for it to blossom into something more. The latter is WAY more likely to end badly.