Green Eyed Monster...Im not....but I am....

[Ciderhillnh]

To start, Im not a jealous person by nature. But I have a situation in which Im jealous, don’t know why and don’t know how best to handle it so Im turning here.

Quick background…Ive been with my BF for 1.5 years. We are both very independent I do my thing he does his and there are no real issues with that.
He has had some adventures and knows people in the most random places and met them the most random ways.

So there is this girl that recently got back in touch with him via Email, she lives in TX, we are in MA……they hadnt spoken in nearly 3 years (according to him)
Well we are out at the bar 2 weeks ago and he is on the phone (not typical) so I jokingly say so whose that?! Which I do to most of my friends joking, when we are out and they text or get on the phone.

My BF tends to be really secretive about who he is on the phone with etc, fine whatever.

Well this time all night he kept pulling out his phone to text etc (he hates the phone, hates talking on it and doesn’t respond to texts often to anyone)

Well I find out it’s the girl that he got back in touch with via Email……thing is she texts him like 15-25 times per day, and he responds to most of them. And she will call, and call, and call then text after calling if he doesn’t answer.

Now I don’t care that he is talking to someone, Im a bit put off by how much she is texting him (since he HATES it when people just make his phone go off like that) but he responds which keeps her doing it.

Now he doesn’t respond to my texts, take my phone calls sometimes, or return phone calls if I leave him a message, but he does with her. This is what is totally pissing me off. If he would call me or text me I wouldn’t care so much (even if she is calling or texting at all hours and waking us up from sleep by doing so)……..arg.

Well I go to his house Sunday night and he is on the phone…..barely says hello to me, and to get off the phone doesn’t tell her oh my GF is here I gotta go (not that he needs to get off the phone when I get there, but some mention) instead he tells her about 10 minutes after I get there that his dinner is just about ready and he needs to go tend to it. (he was cooking dinner)

I find all of this odd, and its INFURIATING me, which is in turn making me mad at myself because this girl is in TX and is no threat and that’s not what is bugging me…Im glad he has a friend, just really pissed that he talks to her and contacts her more often than he does me.

Am I nuts…should I just stop being jealous or do I have reason to feel as I do?

[Winter Storm]

I think you do have a good reason to feel as you do. He is giving her more attention right now and doing things for her that he isn't with you.

Plus, and I'm not trying to insinuate anything here, but just because someone is in a different state/city/location, whatever doesn't mean they aren't a threat. There is a such thing as emotional cheating or becoming very close and intimate with a person without it being physical. Again, not trying to accuse him of anything but it would bother me if my man was communicating more with another girl and possibly fostering a closer relationship with her.

The question is, if you told him how you felt, would he be able to compromise and adjust some of this without making you feel like an insecure, co-dependent little girl? Would he actually make a change if it makes you feel better?

[coll214]

I think you do have a good reason to feel as you do. He is giving her more attention right now and doing things for her thta he isn't with you.

Plus, and I'm not trying to insinuate anything here, but just because someone is in a different state/city/location, whatever doesn't mean they aren't a threat. There is a such thing as emotional cheating or becoming very close and intimate with a person without it being physical. Again, not trying to accuse him of anything but it would bother me if my man was communicating more with another girl and possibly fostering a closer relationship with her.

The question is, if you told him how you felt, would he be able to compromise and adjust some of this without making you feel like an insecure, co-dependent little girl? Would he actually make a change if it makes you feel better?

What she said. does this chick even know about you too would be my other question... if she doesn't then i'd take him to task over that.

[Ciderhillnh]

I dont really care if he is close to another girl, I trust him totally, just because he has a huge thing for lying and how trust is everything. Due to his absolute manner with this and his telling me if he ever wanted something else he would flat out tell me, Im not worried about emotional cheating etc.

I did tell him how I feel and he told me to get over myself and to stop being jealous immediately because its unattractive and it shows Im insecure.

My friends and even his friends have pointed out how not insecure I am with how we are when we go out. He can walk all over a bar, talk to who ever and I wont go over and interrupt or even check in with him, Ill do my own thing with my friends, alone or with random people Ive met that night too.

But for some reason when I tell him this bugs me he tells me literally to deal with it and its nothing and I should be okay.

As I told him I dont care that he talks to her, I care that he calls her on his own or returns her calls, or texts her on his own or returns texts but DOES NOT do that with me.

His response, acting jealous isnt the way to get him to want to do that with me (though he hasnt done those things with me in months).....he even pointed out the reason he does with her is she is wittier than me and its fun to text with her.

He tells me he cant text while at work...yet I know he is texting her while he is at work and NOT on his breaks.....

I dont know if she knows about me or not. He tends to not talk about his personal life unless directly asked about it. Considering I was standing RIGHT in front of him while he was on the phone and his reason for ending the call was he was making dinner RATHER than saying oh my GF is here and Im making dinner, REALLY bugs me.

[AshleyJordan]

Seriously, Cider, that's a huge red flag. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say that I know from experience.

[Ciderhillnh]

And all I can say is that Im trusting and believe him that he will tell me if he wants to be done with our relationship. He isnt one to beat around the bush, or have people make assumptions, he literally would call me say we're done and there would be no discussion etc.

So knowing that, if he wanted to date this girl or whatever, he would flat out tell me and tell me why.
Plus she is in TX and he lives here, and as he described her, totally not his style or type. She is a devout catholic, 26, waiting until marriage to have sex, very good girl.

He is not into that type nor can he handle it, so I believe its a friendship and Im happy he is back in contact with a friend.....Im just pissed that she calls and texts so much and he replies etc when he doesnt do that with me.

I know in his head he is thinking well she (meaning me) is around and I spend time with her etc.......to him face to face holds more value than phone or text.

[Winter Storm]

II did tell him how I feel and he told me to get over myself and to stop being jealous immediately because its unattractive and it shows Im insecure.

*sigh and deep breath*
This for me, would be problem #1. If you have a problem with his behavior, at what point is he willing to make some sort of adjustment? Is that never? Does he ever consider compromising with you on anything to find a common ground? And why does it not bother him at all that he's doing something that makes you unhappy?

But for some reason when I tell him this bugs me he tells me literally to deal with it and its nothing and I should be okay.

See above questions?

His response, acting jealous isnt the way to get him to want to do that with me (though he hasnt done those things with me in months).....he even pointed out the reason he does with her is she is wittier than me and its fun to text with her.
Problem #2: Did he throw this on your face with the intent to make you feel bad because why else would you need to know this? How is this helpful that he finds texting with her more fun than with you? That is totally inconsiderate. And again, where is his resolution? Has he offered any?

Considering I was standing RIGHT in front of him while he was on the phone and his reason for ending the call was he was making dinner RATHER than saying oh my GF is here and Im making dinner, REALLY bugs me.I would make the suggestion that if he MUST text and speak with her, to do it when you aren't around, not in your face or when you are clearly spending time with him or waiting on him. Why should you sit there and have to overhear/see his communications with him.

And seriously, if he can't meet you even half-way on something or find some way to resolve this without calling you an insecure baby, then he is a COMPLETE ASSHOLE!

Then you have to consider why you are choosing to be with a guy with so little regard for your feelings.
And its NOT being insecure!

[wanderer9]

i dont think jealousy or insecurity are the main things here. i've been thorugh a similar thing in the past and the main emotion i felt (and was entitled to feel) was anger. why the hell is he spending so much time communicating with this other person and almost ignoring you? you have a right to be mad. don't put up with it. good luck.

[arrow]

You have every right to be upset, since from what I've read you've been more than accomidating in your relationship so far. There's no reason he shouldn't respect your feelings, and the stuff he said to you was pretty terrible, actually. You're his girlfriend, he should put you first above some random girl. If he's not doing that, he's being quite inconsiderate and selfish.

** What Winter and Ashley said.

[Ciderhillnh]

He makes small adjustments but he is more of the this is who I am take me or leave me love me unconditionally because Im not going to change for anyone type.

We do compromise sometimes, though most of the time its more of my bending than his.

He doesn’t care that it makes me unhappy because he thinks that I shouldn’t be jealous, and if I am that’s my own problem not his to solve.

Well I asked why he texts and talks to her so much and his response was well she is wittier than you which makes it fun.
I got upset and he said….that doesn’t mean you're not witty, it just means that she is more witty than you its not a bad thing.

If I tell him to do it when Im not around he will blow up. As he tells me, when I come over its my choice to come over and be there, so if he is doing something else, he will keep doing that 'something else' because I chose to drop by doesn’t mean he is going to drop everything and make it time to do something together.

[Kitty]

Maybe she writes cooler text messages than you!

[Ciderhillnh]

Thats basically what he is telling me.

[wanderer9]

He makes small adjustments but he is more of the this is who I am take me or leave me love me unconditionally because Im not going to change for anyone type.

We do compromise sometimes, though most of the time its more of my bending than his.

He doesn’t care that it makes me unhappy because he thinks that I shouldn’t be jealous, and if I am that’s my own problem not his to solve.

Well I asked why he texts and talks to her so much and his response was well she is wittier than you which makes it fun.
I got upset and he said….that doesn’t mean you're not witty, it just means that she is more witty than you its not a bad thing.

If I tell him to do it when Im not around he will blow up. As he tells me, when I come over its my choice to come over and be there, so if he is doing something else, he will keep doing that 'something else' because I chose to drop by doesn’t mean he is going to drop everything and make it time to do something together.


sorry, but your bf is an idiot!

[embrassezla]

My BF tends to be really secretive about who he is on the phone with

Now he doesn’t respond to my texts, take my phone calls sometimes, or return phone calls if I leave him a message.

He doesn’t care that it makes me unhappy

As he tells me, when I come over its my choice to come over and be there, so if he is doing something else, he will keep doing that 'something else' because I chose to drop by doesn’t mean he is going to drop everything and make it time to do something together.

I'd draw a conclusion here, but you'll just defend him. Either this is acceptable behavior for someone you are in a relationship with, or it's not. MAKE THE CALL.

[Winter Storm]

He makes small adjustments but he is more of the this is who I am take me or leave me love me unconditionally because Im not going to change for anyone type.

We do compromise sometimes, though most of the time its more of my bending than his.

He doesn’t care that it makes me unhappy because he thinks that I shouldn’t be jealous, and if I am that’s my own problem not his to solve.

Well I asked why he texts and talks to her so much and his response was well she is wittier than you which makes it fun.

If I tell him to do it when Im not around he will blow up. As he tells me, when I come over its my choice to come over and be there, so if he is doing something else, he will keep doing that 'something else' because I chose to drop by doesn’t mean he is going to drop everything and make it time to do something together.

All of these are huge red flags for me. HUGE.

And he didn't have to make comparisons between you and her. He could have kept it vague and simple said its fun.

Since he has clearly put his foot down about this and any other issues you may have with him (ie. you're insecure and its your problem) it looks like your hands are tied here.

You'll have to figure out if this is something you can live with, bend and adjust to him some more or if you've had enough.

Good luck with all that!

[wordsmith]

Everything about this screams asshole, I'm sorry.

Putting some other random chick acquaintance, long distance or not, drastically higher on the attention scale than you, and whipping out the "You're just jealous and insecure and it's so unattractive" card if you ever acknowledge it is seriously an asshole move. Your boyfriend sounds pretty disrespectful of you and your relationship, because he's pushing your buttons and doing so gladly. I'd find that every bit as distressing as the actual actions of the flirting/texting/calling, here. The disrespect behind it. Sheesh.

[embrassezla]

Putting some other random chick acquaintance, long distance or not, drastically higher on the attention scale than you, and whipping out the "You're just jealous and insecure and it's so unattractive" card if you ever acknowledge it is seriously an asshole move.
The scary thing is that his manipulative behavior ("I don't have a problem, YOU have a problem") seems to actually be working on her.

[Kitty]

What is he, a Taoist? Are you just supposed to accept everything?

[embrassezla]

What is he, a Taoist? Are you just supposed to accept everything?
HAhahaa, Namaste!

[Ciderhillnh]

Actually he is Taoist.
he looks at it as he has his life I have mine we live autonomously with no dependency on one another.

Im actually okay with this. Some of you might find this as my defending him, but it enables me to have the freedom to go out with my friends, talk to who I want and not have anyone breathing down my neck about it. I had enough of a controlling relationship to last a lifetime before I met this guy.

My issue is that he has never done this before and now is, and since he bitches and complaints if I 'blow up his phone with texts and phone calls' I would anticipate that he would feel the same if someone else did that to him.

Plus his reason for not talking on the phone is that he works at a call center and is on the phone all day so the last thing he wants to do is be on the phone after work...so he tells me if I want to talk its easier to do face to face....which is true and yes its better communication......but a phone call would be nice more often than once a week......same with texts.

It just really pisses me off that he does this with her and not me.
Otherwise, most of our relationship is good...while most of you might see some aspects as asshole-ish, or not considerate.....some of it is true...some things you do have to deal with on your own....and not everything is going to be sugar coated. Sometimes people are dissapointed in you and they will tell you that.....doesnt mean their feelings are wrong, or that they are wrong for telling you they feel that way.

He just isnt the type to pussyfoot around issues, he comes right out and says what he thinks, and I actually appreciate it at least I know what he thinks and where he stands with NO questions.

He is going to tell me that he can text and talk to her all he wants it doesnt mean he loves me any less or that he wants to be with her, and my feelings on it are just that...my feelings. Just because I dont like something doesnt mean he has to change it to please me....which is true. I dont change just to please him either.

[Kitty]

Actually he is Taoist.
he looks at it as he has his life I have mine we live autonomously with no dependency on one another.

That's not very realistic, though. Just keep in mine that the Tao Te Ching was often used as a way to keep servants/slaves/serfs in their place and to get them to accept that it was just "the way."

[Ciderhillnh]

He at one point was an assthetic (sp Im sure) he gave up all his worldly possessions and lived at a friends and made efforts to help around the house in leu of rent.
Any money he made went to other people....and apparently he got to 'understanding' and then stopped...which is the entire point of being an Assthetic.

[Winter Storm]

Actually he is Taoist.
he looks at it as he has his life I have mine we live autonomously with no dependency on one another.

Im actually okay with this. Some of you might find this as my defending him, but it enables me to have the freedom to go out with my friends, talk to who I want and not have anyone breathing down my neck about it. I had enough of a controlling relationship to last a lifetime before I met this guy.

My issue is that he has never done this before and now is, and since he bitches and complaints if I 'blow up his phone with texts and phone calls' I would anticipate that he would feel the same if someone else did that to him.

Plus his reason for not talking on the phone is that he works at a call center and is on the phone all day so the last thing he wants to do is be on the phone after work...so he tells me if I want to talk its easier to do face to face....which is true and yes its better communication......but a phone call would be nice more often than once a week......same with texts.

It just really pisses me off that he does this with her and not me.
Otherwise, most of our relationship is good...while most of you might see some aspects as asshole-ish, or not considerate.....some of it is true...some things you do have to deal with on your own....and not everything is going to be sugar coated. Sometimes people are dissapointed in you and they will tell you that.....doesnt mean their feelings are wrong, or that they are wrong for telling you they feel that way.

He just isnt the type to pussyfoot around issues, he comes right out and says what he thinks, and I actually appreciate it at least I know what he thinks and where he stands with NO questions.

He is going to tell me that he can text and talk to her all he wants it doesnt mean he loves me any less or that he wants to be with her, and my feelings on it are just that...my feelings. Just because I dont like something doesnt mean he has to change it to please me....which is true. I dont change just to please him either.
Then it sounds like you've once again answered your own question:
You have no right to be jealous since he's brainwashed you to believe everything he does is just fine. He obviously does NOT need to please you.

Why even start a thread asking questions when you're just going to answer them yourself and not even give one minute's consideration to anyone else's input.

You continue to waste people's time.

[Kitty]

Maybe you're just not on the same page as far as moral/spiritual beliefs.

[AshleyJordan]

Ok, talk of Buddhism aside, can you live this way? He won't change. Can you live this way, including knowing that your (very legitimate) concerns will go unaddressed/belittled. I sure as hell couldn't, and there's serious potential for this to get much uglier. . . you have to figure that out-- basically what your bullshit tolerance is.

I had to break off a very, very, messy relationship with a guy who was thusfar the love of my life and doing some really duplicitous stuff. Yes, I started with similar stuff to what you're describing. Breaking up with him was about as easy as cutting off my hand. But I'm glad I did it, because I knew I couldn't live that way and I think I'm a lot stronger and better as a result.

[wordsmith]

Actually he is Taoist.
he looks at it as he has his life I have mine we live autonomously with no dependency on one another.

Im actually okay with this.

Thing is, you don't SOUND okay with this. You sound pretty unhappy. Your BF shouldn't shrug off your unhappiness or his role in it, I don't care if he's a Taoist, a fascist anarchist, or a hare krishna.

But winter's right...he's obviously got you buying into licking up whatever crap he throws your way. Good deal for him, though. Kudos.

[Kitty]

Yeah, sounds like he's throwing his beliefs/ways of life on to you and you have no choice but to accept them. It's like there's no room for discussion.

I guess if you're fine w/ a relationship like that, so be it.

[arrow]

Actually he is Taoist.
he looks at it as he has his life I have mine we live autonomously with no dependency on one another.

Im actually okay with this. Some of you might find this as my defending him, but it enables me to have the freedom to go out with my friends, talk to who I want and not have anyone breathing down my neck about it. I had enough of a controlling relationship to last a lifetime before I met this guy.

My issue is that he has never done this before and now is, and since he bitches and complaints if I 'blow up his phone with texts and phone calls' I would anticipate that he would feel the same if someone else did that to him.

Plus his reason for not talking on the phone is that he works at a call center and is on the phone all day so the last thing he wants to do is be on the phone after work...so he tells me if I want to talk its easier to do face to face....which is true and yes its better communication......but a phone call would be nice more often than once a week......same with texts.

It just really pisses me off that he does this with her and not me.
Otherwise, most of our relationship is good...while most of you might see some aspects as asshole-ish, or not considerate.....some of it is true...some things you do have to deal with on your own....and not everything is going to be sugar coated. Sometimes people are dissapointed in you and they will tell you that.....doesnt mean their feelings are wrong, or that they are wrong for telling you they feel that way.

He just isnt the type to pussyfoot around issues, he comes right out and says what he thinks, and I actually appreciate it at least I know what he thinks and where he stands with NO questions.
He is going to tell me that he can text and talk to her all he wants it doesnt mean he loves me any less or that he wants to be with her, and my feelings on it are just that...my feelings. Just because I dont like something doesnt mean he has to change it to please me....which is true. I dont change just to please him either.

So you also told him how you felt about this situation, no questions, and didn't "pussyfoot" around the issue. Yet he can't accept your feelings as legitimate (which they are) the way you obviously accept his?

[embrassezla]

Im actually okay with this. Some of you might find this as my defending him, but it enables me to have the freedom to go out with my friends, talk to who I want and not have anyone breathing down my neck about it.


Otherwise, most of our relationship is good...while most of you might see some aspects as asshole-ish, or not considerate.....some of it is true...some things you do have to deal with on your own....and not everything is going to be sugar coated.


he comes right out and says what he thinks, and I actually appreciate it at least I know what he thinks and where he stands with NO questions.


He is going to tell me that he can text and talk to her all he wants it doesnt mean he loves me any less or that he wants to be with her, and my feelings on it are just that...my feelings. Just because I dont like something doesnt mean he has to change it to please me....which is true.

Have fun with your great relationship, Cider. Thanks for starting another pointless thread.

[old_school_soul]

Seriously, I think you guys are made for each other, because in no other relationship could 2 people like you be able to tolerate each other's behaviours.

[and1grad]

And he didn't have to make comparisons between you and her. He could have kept it vague and simple said its fun.
I agree with this. I still dont get why he felt the need to take a dig at you. IMO, for him to treat your concerns with the indifference he seems to, means he might be harboring some kind of grudge about something in your relationship. Kinda like a "whats good for the goose...." situation. Not saying thats a definite, just an opinion.

[SmilesSoSweet]

Have fun with your great relationship, Cider. Thanks for starting another pointless thread.

LOL. Sorry, I couldn't help but laugh. I just skimmed through this thread. Wow. Seriously there's just denial there, but whatever. Go ahead and keep complaining about him and then come up with excuse after excuse after excuse after excuse of why your relationship is actually healthy. :rolleyes:

[nikorock28]

I'm glad to see that you guys' have the greatest degree of respect for one another. :rolleyes:

[Ciderhillnh]

This isnt pointless. I asked if I had a right to be upset about it, since Im not a jealous person and typically stuff like this doesnt bother me at all.

I dont believe that everything he does is okay. I do take issue with things that he does, but he isnt one to change, he is very honest and this is who I am, take it or leave it.
That doesnt mean I dont tell him when things bother me, or get angry with him or discuss things with him. He is just stubborn as all hell.

As for tolerance level, Ive been in controlling relationships, I dont like somenoe calling all the time asking where I am who Im talking to where Im going....this is the opposite of that and I enjoy the fact that I dont have to justify or ASK or TELL what Im doing who with when and where.

Just because I tell him how I feel about something doesnt mean its going to or should change. Same for when he tells me things he doesnt like, doesnt mean Im going to change them just because he doesnt like them.

OSS...what do you mean no one else could tolerate behaviors?

AND1.....I know that there are things he seeks and does not get from me in the form he wants (intellectual conversation about philosophy for example) and I know he wants/needs that and Ive been encouraging him to meet new people and make friends. He has pointed out the reason he hasnt is because I have such a vast network of friends he hasnt needed to, but as I told him while my friends like him and enjoy his company, they are my friends, he needs some of his own that he can say hey we're going to the bar come meet up with us......
SO maybe part of it is that he is lacking with me on some levels and for that Im fine with him seeking out to fill that gap (just as my friends fill gaps that he doesnt) but I dont want his seeking out to then take over and have him communicating with someone, especially a girl, more than he communicates with me, which is the crux of why Im upset.

[nikorock28]

Am I nuts…should I just stop being jealous or do I have reason to feel as I do?

Yes, stop being jealous. Based on the circumstances of your "relationship" as you have presented them, there is no reason to feel the way you do. A normal person in a normal relationship, yes, but as you have mentioned so many times you do things differently.

[Winter Storm]

This isnt pointless. I asked if I had a right to be upset about it, since Im not a jealous person and typically stuff like this doesnt bother me at all.

What makes this thread seem pointless is that after so many people have responded and voiced their suggestion/advice/insight, you seem almost rigidly resistant to actually hearing or considering any of it.

For every response, you have a rebuttal. So what is the point anymore?

Has anyone here actually said something that has given you something to think about at all? If not, we've all wasted out time.



Again.

[Kitty]

Yes, stop being jealous. Based on the circumstances of your "relationship" as you have presented them, there is no reason to feel the way you do. A normal person in a normal relationship, yes, but as you have mentioned so many times you do things differently.

Good point.

[Ciderhillnh]

See my response to and1 in my last post.

[AshleyJordan]

Great. So you've decided that this works for you. Then, seriously, you've just gotta learn to live with it.

[wordsmith]

Here's the deal...much as you like to think you're so much different than every other person who's ever been in a relationship, and so much different from every other female, you're not. You're jealous, and warrantedly so, because you have a boyfriend who is being emotionally intimate with somebody other than you and cutting you out of that loop and discounting your feelings on the matter/turning it around on you if you mention it, and it hurts. You're no different than anybody else would be in the same position.

I think you should address how this is making you feel rather than try to convince yourself/get others to convince you that you really are somehow "above" being hurt by crappy treatment, or that you're "above" jealous twinges, because you're oh, so special and things just don't bother you like they would other people. Either they do, and that's why you're posting, or they don't, and you're just posting for entertainment. Because I don't think anybody would seriously post a thread asking "Should I be jealous about this?" Either you are are you aren't, warranted or not. There is no should be. Leave it to you to try and rationalize an emotional response like jealousy.

What others are calling pointless is not your so-called plight, but the fact that you present something hot-button, with the intent of garnering responses, just so you can then turn around and poo-poo/discredit all the responses you get. Feels very manipulative.

[nikorock28]

Great. So you've decided that this works for you. Then, seriously, you've just gotta learn to live with it.

Yes, I agree. If he is a "take it or leave it" guy, either take it or leave it. Seems like you have chosen to take it. So deal with it.

[old_school_soul]

Yes, stop being jealous. Based on the circumstances of your "relationship" as you have presented them, there is no reason to feel the way you do. A normal person in a normal relationship, yes, but as you have mentioned so many times you do things differently.


Thank you, that's what I was trying to say.

[and1grad]

Cider,
I'd ask your bf if there's something thats bugging him about your current situation. Not that I didnt understand your response, but it just seems like it'd be more than that, imo, to get the indifferent responses from him that you're getting. It sounds like he feels he's had to "put up" with something in your relationship so he's making you put up with something as well. "I dont like ___ but I deal, so you dont have to like this but you can deal."

[Ciderhillnh]

I never said I was above being hurt etc, but most things that would bother girls in relationships dont bother me, never have, its why I have mostly guy friends....because in most cases I operate like a guy would not like a girl would (its been pointed out to me by both sexes for a number of years so this isnt just my personal opinion about myself)

But because Im not used to these feelings, they are very new and not something Ive ever dealt with. As I said Im not a jealous person. And based o the situation Im curious if there is reason to be jealous or if Im overreacting...as its been posted, there is reason to be jealous.

As it was also posted, that its not necessarily hurt or jealousy, but ANGER Im feeling about what he is doing...which is more food for thought.

And1....thats just one example. He also feels Im not very well versed about the world around me, dont have a general thirst for knowledge in a manner he would like, dont read enough or the right type of books so we cant discuss that, and Im not very well traveled.
He has a general superiority complex, and as his best friend pointed out, while he might come across like he has had many experiences due to his moving around, he is probably quite jealous of my life and experiences because he hasnt had that....and thus in that respect puts me in a superior position to his.
I also think that my BF is a touch of a narcisist, after doing much research on the subject, he does exhibit some behaviors in line with one, but not enough that I would give him a clinical diagnosis of it, but parts of his personality touch upon it and thus I feel he has an internal struggle that he cant voice because he himself doesnt know he is struggling with it.

His best friend also told me that I put up with quite a bit and my BF is lucky to have me and should realize his good fortune. My BFs best friend understands where Im coming from and admits that my BF has shortcomings that I work with that most wouldnt.....and that he knows my BF loves me very deeply and solidly and wouldnt do anything to hurt me.
I dont feel this is just lip service from him either, the guy says very little, but he speaks the truth, and only says things that need to be said...no fluff or patting people to make them feel better about things.
He lives with my BF and they have been close for 9 years....so they know one another very well. So I take some of that into account as well.

[wordsmith]

...but most things that would bother girls in relationships dont bother me, never have...

Except, now, they do. Whoda thunk?

[Ciderhillnh]

No. Most things still wont/dont bother me....this is ONE thing that I think most girls commonly deal with, and its my FIRST instance of feeling like this...so its new, and its not like now Im going to be jealous all the time of everything that goes on...such as his talking to another girl, or doing his own thing...I respect the fact that he does those things.

So now here is ONE INSTANCE of something bothering me......and Im looking to see if it makes sense that its bothering me or not....which is why I posted.

This doesnt mean that if he starts talking to another girl on the phone that Im going to feel like this, in fact I probably wont unless its similar to this situation......

[and1grad]

And1....thats just one example. He also feels Im not very well versed about the world around me, dont have a general thirst for knowledge in a manner he would like, dont read enough or the right type of books so we cant discuss that, and Im not very well traveled.
He has a general superiority complex, and as his best friend pointed out, while he might come across like he has had many experiences due to his moving around, he is probably quite jealous of my life and experiences because he hasnt had that....and thus in that respect puts me in a superior position to his.
I also think that my BF is a touch of a narcisist, after doing much research on the subject, he does exhibit some behaviors in line with one, but not enough that I would give him a clinical diagnosis of it, but parts of his personality touch upon it and thus I feel he has an internal struggle that he cant voice because he himself doesnt know he is struggling with it.

His best friend also told me that I put up with quite a bit and my BF is lucky to have me and should realize his good fortune. My BFs best friend understands where Im coming from and admits that my BF has shortcomings that I work with that most wouldnt.....and that he knows my BF loves me very deeply and solidly and wouldnt do anything to hurt me.
I dont feel this is just lip service from him either, the guy says very little, but he speaks the truth, and only says things that need to be said...no fluff or patting people to make them feel better about things.
He lives with my BF and they have been close for 9 years....so they know one another very well. So I take some of that into account as well.
Ok. Honestly, that doesnt sound so healthy. It almost sounds like there's a one-upsmanship about your relationship and that cant be good. Personally, I think its pretty bad when someone feels the need to act like their SO is in any way inferior to them.

About the friend, its nice to have his comments come in every once in a while but he's not gonna be there for the full ride. So, two hypothetical questions for you, 1) If this friend isnt there to reassure you about this guy, are you still with him? and 2) His friend mentioned that your BF should realize his good fortune, do you think he will?

Actually, I thought of a bonus question. Do YOU feel fortunate?

[wordsmith]

Agree with and1. Your relationship, as described by you, sounds really none too healthy.

And I'm really not sure why exactly you need a bunch of random people's reassurance regarding your emotions or their validity.

[nikorock28]

Agree with and1. Your relationship, as described by you, sounds really none too healthy.

And I'm really not sure why exactly you need a bunch of random people's reassurance regarding your emotions or their validity.

I agree. Not a healhty relationship, IMO. I would suggest getting out Cider.

[Winter Storm]

So now here is ONE INSTANCE of something bothering me......and Im looking to see if it makes sense that its bothering me or not....which is why I posted.
Which brings me back to my unanwered question: did anyone here say anything that has given you something to think about?

Do you now feel justified in feeling jealous or no?

Have we offered anything helpful at all?

[Ciderhillnh]

1) Yes, because my BF does show me in ways that he loves and cares about me, it might not be grand, or frequent, but he does little things. LIke this weekend, we were at the St. Pats parade, we wound up at a party, and he is shmoozing and making drinks with people and chatting, and Im chatting wtih my friends bla balb la....he comes over to where I am to rinse out a shot glass, pauses and reaches in his pocket and pulls out a thing of Rolo's. I look up at him, and say when did you get these?!
He smiles and says y'know when you were getting hot coco? I went to the other side and got these, so I could give them to you later and make you smile like that.
He smirks, kisses my forhead and goes back to schmoozing.

Its the stuff like that where in his own way he is showing and telling me that he cares. I dont need his best friend to tell me that stuff, but its nice to hear it from an outside source thats close to my BF since my friends only know him via me, he has known this guy through 4 moves and for over a decade, so he knows him best.

2) I think my BF knows his good fortune some of the time. Of course we get on one anothers nerves and have days when we dont get along. But even he at times smiles and says wow Im lucky huh? right to me.
He can be emotionally absent at times. But I seek out that void to be filled by my friends.

As for do I feel fortunate. At times I feel that my BF has shown me and taught me a bunch of things, and also challenged me to think differently and really examine things and look at things in a new way.
Does that mean we always get along? No, but I also feel he is passionate enough about me to want the best from me and wont just go along with what I want because its what I want.

WORDS...isnt that what people do on this board all the time about jobs, what they should or shouldnt do or how others feel about a particular situation that they post about?

WINTER....as I said in my last response to if anyone has said anything to make me think...I posted that I responded to And1, had you read that post you would know the answer to your question.

As for justified in feeling jealous, I hate feeling like this but it seems that its reason enough to feel the way I do. But I know talking to my BF isnt going to get it to stop so Im just going to have to deal with these feelings and make sure he doesnt know that I feel this way.

[wordsmith]

1) Yes, because my BF does show me in ways that he loves and cares about me, it might not be grand, or frequent, but he does little things. LIke this weekend, we were at the St. Pats parade, we wound up at a party, and he is shmoozing and making drinks with people and chatting, and Im chatting wtih my friends bla balb la....he comes over to where I am to rinse out a shot glass, pauses and reaches in his pocket and pulls out a thing of Rolo's. I look up at him, and say when did you get these?!
He smiles and says y'know when you were getting hot coco? I went to the other side and got these, so I could give them to you later and make you smile like that.
He smirks, kisses my forhead and goes back to schmoozing.

Its the stuff like that where in his own way he is showing and telling me that he cares. I dont need his best friend to tell me that stuff, but its nice to hear it from an outside source thats close to my BF since my friends only know him via me, he has known this guy through 4 moves and for over a decade, so he knows him best.

2) I think my BF knows his good fortune some of the time. Of course we get on one anothers nerves and have days when we dont get along. But even he at times smiles and says wow Im lucky huh? right to me.
He can be emotionally absent at times. But I seek out that void to be filled by my friends.

As for do I feel fortunate. At times I feel that my BF has shown me and taught me a bunch of things, and also challenged me to think differently and really examine things and look at things in a new way.
Does that mean we always get along? No, but I also feel he is passionate enough about me to want the best from me and wont just go along with what I want because its what I want.

I know that you and I have very rarely interacted in an especially chummy way, so I feel like I need to point out that what I'm saying is coming from a place of concern, the same concern I'd have for anybody who I read posting some of the things you're posting...

...it really, really sounds like you're doggedly convincing yourself that somebody who is really not treating you very nicely or respectfully, and are super caught up in rationalizing to everyone who will listen, and probably yourself, why that's okay. It really pains me to see you (or anybody) post about emotionally abusive mind games in one breath, NOT seeming to realize that's what they are, and in the next breath, post, "But, hey, it's okay! He pats me on the head and gives me candy! And sometimes, he even SAYS he's lucky to have me, even though he doesn't show it! See? See? He's a good guy! He cares...right?" It really does.

Based on everything you describe, I think you're selling yourself short. I think you might even realize that somewhere within yourself, too.

[cheshrcarol]

The point isn't whether he loves you or not, the point is that he wants to have a relationship completely on his terms. It sounds like you guys have been okay for a while because either you agree or you just let him have his way. If you're okay living like that, then fine. But it sounds like you're starting to have issues. There's no way I'd want to be with anyone who would brush off every concern I ever have and make ME be the only one to compromise.

[wordsmith]

The point isn't whether he loves you or not, the point is that he wants to have a relationship completely on his terms. It sounds like you guys have been okay for a while because either you agree or you just let him have his way. If you're okay living like that, then fine. But it sounds like you're starting to have issues. There's no way I'd want to be with anyone who would brush off every concern I ever have and make ME be the only one to compromise.

Well put. The problem reads like a control issue. As long as you're okay with feeling crappy about treatment from time to time, and just figuring it's your boyfriend's right to treat you that way, things will go on status quo. But if you were really okay with it, would you have posted about any of it?

[embrassezla]

You think giving you candy is one of the ways someone shows they love you? Oh, Cider. That's depressing.

EDIT: Wow, and I hadn't even gotten to this part:

I hate feeling like this but it seems that its reason enough to feel the way I do. But I know talking to my BF isnt going to get it to stop so Im just going to have to deal with these feelings and make sure he doesnt know that I feel this way.

Seriously, this is making me sad for you.

[Winter Storm]

AND1.....I know that there are things he seeks and does not get from me in the form he wants (intellectual conversation about philosophy for example) and I know he wants/needs that and Ive been encouraging him to meet new people and make friends. He has pointed out the reason he hasnt is because I have such a vast network of friends he hasnt needed to, but as I told him while my friends like him and enjoy his company, they are my friends, he needs some of his own that he can say hey we're going to the bar come meet up with us......
SO maybe part of it is that he is lacking with me on some levels and for that Im fine with him seeking out to fill that gap (just as my friends fill gaps that he doesnt) but I dont want his seeking out to then take over and have him communicating with someone, especially a girl, more than he communicates with me, which is the crux of why Im upset.

Which brings me back to my unanwered question: did anyone here say anything that has given you something to think about?

Do you now feel justified in feeling jealous or no?

Have we offered anything helpful at all?

Is the above response suppose to be the answer to my questions? Because I don't see how it is directly related. But since this is like pulling teeth, I'm going to assume that nothing posted here has made in difference in your thinking or how you're going to handle the situation.

So I tried. Getting bored. Moving on.

[KCboy]

after so many people have responded and voiced their suggestion/advice/insight, you seem almost rigidly resistant to actually hearing or considering any of it.

For every response, you have a rebuttal.

isn't that kinda true for all of us at some point?

we know something's wrong, but always create an excuse for ourselves.

we've all done it, I've heard most of you say the same things


Cider,

If you're not jealous, you're not jealous. But it sounds to me like you are.

If his attitude bothers you enough to post this on the board asking for advice, its a problem and it will bother you more and more as you get more serious.

[Winter Storm]

isn't that kinda true for all of us at some point?

we know something's wrong, but always create an excuse for ourselves.

we've all done it, I've heard most of you say the same things

Actually, no.

There have been few threads I've read here where a person asks for insights, then consistently rebutts every single last response unless it was a debate to begin with. I find most other posters will at least examine what advice is given them. I also notice this in real life.

People who really truely welcome other's opinions, generally listen to them and consider them seriously. That's all I'm saying.

[Ciderhillnh]

Im posting specific instances. If you would like me to type out the entire novel that has been my relationship for the past 1.5 years, so be it, but I don’t see the point.

Because this is a message board there is no way to post every nuance that exists within a relationship when some things can only be experienced by the 2 people in the relationship.

Yes in that instance he brought me Rolos…….shall I also mention how he drove for 2 HOURS from his house in a RAGING snow storm to bring me an orchid plant on Valentines and to make sure he saw me since he had to work and the snow was going to get worse?
Should I tell you about how he fixes little things around my house and tells me about it after, and typically its little things he knows I wont do for myself….like one kitchen cabinet was hanging a bit off and he knows stuff like that bugs me, so he went and fixed it.
Or how when I had my LASIK he made sure to come over and stay with me for the weekend should I need anything, and also made sure I was taking my drops and wearing my eye shield at night (so much that if he woke up and I had taken it off he would gently nudge me awake and put it back on)

I don’t need him to tell me every day, week, or month that he is lucky to have me etc. He does so in his own little ways, it doesn’t have to be verbal or constant. I don’t need that type of reassurance.

As for selling myself short, in all honesty this is the best relationship Ive had. All the others people were controlling, abusive, etc.

[embrassezla]

"Not abusive or controlling" aren't reasons to be with someone, Cider. That should be a GIVEN. You don't get extra points for not being abusive or controlling.

[Ciderhillnh]

The comparison Im trying to make here is that I dont WANT someone who calls all the time and wants to spend time with me all the time and always wants to go out with me when I go out or wants me around all the time.

I have too many other things going on in my life to do that and tend to someone in that way, plus to me it makes me feel like he is weak if he acts like that.
I want someone who has their own life, lets me have my own life, and we spend time together as we see fit.
A person who isnt going to get upset if I go to the bar and talk to some guy, or hang out with my male friends, or talk to them on the phone, or get upset that I want to go out with my girls on a Friday night and see him later.

I don’t need someone to tell me they adore me all the time, or bring me presents, or be all gooey with me. Its just not my nature.


As for reasons why Im with him....he challenges how I think, he challenges me to be a better person and to expect the best out of myself and push myself to do more and be more than I am now.
He lets me have my autonomy, but also involves himself (when not working) in whats going on and he even has a good time when its dinner with my 2 best girlfriends and him.....most guys HATe that he actually enjoys it and has a good time with my friends.

I dont expect him to be perfect or to change who he is to suit my needs all the time. I anticipate we arent going to get along all the time, and that we use our disagreements as a way to understand one another better and to grow from it.

If it was that bad, how do you think its lasted for 1.5 years?

[embrassezla]

The comparison Im trying to make here is that I dont WANT someone who calls all the time and wants to spend time with me all the time and always wants to go out with me when I go out or wants me around all the time.
And the sentiment that you are in fact implying is that people are either completely controlling or completely hands-off. This is a close-minded view of the world.

If it was that bad, how do you think its lasted for 1.5 years?
People remain in unhealthy relationships long-term ALL THE TIME, Cider. The correlation is a bit murkier than long-term = healthy.

[Ciderhillnh]

No its a personal preference that someone doesnt operate under the terms I posted. I get totally put off if someone calls to much or wants to spend too much time with me or starts asking too much about what Im doing...to me it points out that the person doesnt have much of a life....and that bothers me because I do and will continue to.

My single girlfriends love that just because I have a BF I dont abandon them and dissapear, that we spend tons of time together and I dont have to check with my BF before making plans like all their other GFs do...or that all their other friends would rather sit on the couch and hang in on the weekends than go out with them......thats not me and it wont be me no matter who I date.

So I need to be with someone who does their own thing and that wont be upset that I wont modify my going out or being with my friends to spend more time with them.

I dont think there are only 2 kinds of relationships, there are many, but just like how some girls prefer a dark haired guy to a blonde...I prefer a guy who is fine doing their own thing.
My relationship is far from anything cookie cutter.....we dont fall into what most people would consider 'normal'......as most of my friends have pointed out they would be pissed if they went out with their BF and he wandered the bar all night talking to random people.....I could care less.

Its also because Ive done the controlling abusive thing. Im through answering what Im doing and who with to ANYONE....never again.

[nikorock28]

If you are happy with your relationship, why are you posting and trying to defend it? The consensus is that you are in an unhealthy relationship. If you disagree with us, why must you continue to defend yourself? We won't change our opinion and you are just wasting your breath. Best of luck in your dysfunctional relationship.

[Ciderhillnh]

Because everyone is posting that its dysfunctional when they dont know the ENTIRE story, there is no way to post our entire relationship here on the boards.

I asked about a SPECIFIC instance....his talking to this girl frequently and how it was making me feel.
It was NOT meant to become a disertation on my relationship and how we operate together. It was meant to be about the ONE instance because Ive never felt like this before.....

[nikorock28]

If you don't need reassurance, then why does it matter what your BF's friend thinks?

[nikorock28]

Because everyone is posting that its dysfunctional when they dont know the ENTIRE story, there is no way to post our entire relationship here on the boards.

I asked about a SPECIFIC instance....his talking to this girl frequently and how it was making me feel.
It was NOT meant to become a disertation on my relationship and how we operate together. It was meant to be about the ONE instance because Ive never felt like this before.....

And, like I said 4 pages ago, in a normal relationship, you have every right to be jealous. However, your relationship is not normal, so you have no reason to be jealous.

EDIT: In a healthy relationship, there is no room for jealousy and the matter needs to be discussed. Obviously, this is not an option in your "arrangement", so you just have to deal.

[Ciderhillnh]

Nik...it doesnt Im posting that as an outside view on someone who is very close to my BF and knows him better than most anyone including me. So I feel that his best friends statement holds some weight.

Just because my relationship doesnt fall into 'normal for most people' (as in most people arent comfortable with what we are) doesnt mean that sometimes instances come up where a feeling might come in question.

Specifically because Ive never been jealous with anyone Ive dated. I trust fully until given reason not to, and when given reason not to there is no relationship anymore anyway....and there is so much less fighting when you just let someone live their life than to question every move they make and always think they are cheating on you. Plus I never have felt competition with another girl...any guy ive dated has had female friends, and Ive become friends with them and also appreciated that he could turn to them for female perspective.

But Ive never had a BF text and chat with a girl much more frequently like this in comparison to how much he talks to me.....which is why its new, different and why Im having feelings Ive never had before.

[Kitty]

If we can't possibly understand your relationship in it's entirety, why would it matter what we think of one specific part of it? If we can't make sense of the whole, how can we make sense of a fraction of the whole?

[Ciderhillnh]

Because you dont always need to know EVERYTHING about someone and their life/relationship to be able to put yourself in the situation and decifer how it would make you feel.

Such as BF talking to girl in another state constantly when he doesnt talk to you as much...how would this make you feel...cause it makes me feel jealous...oh it makes you feel that way too...well then at least I know my thinking and feeling isnt a total overreaction.

Just like any posts on here...you have to put yourself in the shoes of the situation and you arent going to know every single nuance of the situation at hand, just a piece of it.....its how these boards work.

A wise friend of mine pointed out : The only 2 people who know the entire story and exactly what is going on, are the 2 involved in the situation

How true. You can relay information, and what they said and what you said, and the third party can help but they arent going to know everything unless they are a fly on the wall every time you are with the person you are in conflict with to know ALLLLLLLL about it.

[wordsmith]

Exactly. It makes absolutely no sense to post expressly for advice and feedback, but when advice and feedback are given, to counter it with "But...you just don't KNOW...you don't GET how things are!" if it's not what you want to hear...every single time. Exercise in futility.

[nikorock28]

If we can't possibly understand your relationship in it's entirety, why would it matter what we think of one specific part of it? If we can't make sense of the whole, how can we make sense of a fraction of the whole?

AGREED/EXACTLY/RIGHT ON...

If nobody on this board understands your relationship, how can we possibly advise when it comes to [I]feelings[I] within that relationship?

[Ciderhillnh]

Did you NOT see my post to And1 about how he brings up a good point that there might be a grudge that he is carrying.....and quite possibly might have something to do with the gap he feels exists between him and I that I cant fill that he needs to find others to fill but hasnt found them yet and thus it makes him upset......???

[Ciderhillnh]

Nik....are you able to talk to your friends about these types of things? Same idea.

[embrassezla]

Such as BF talking to girl in another state constantly when he doesnt talk to you as much...how would this make you feel...cause it makes me feel jealous...oh it makes you feel that way too...well then at least I know my thinking and feeling isnt a total overreaction.
But it's a means to no end, since you've determined that your loving, unconventional BF is going to tell you to get over yourself, so you better hide your feelings from him, remember?

[Kitty]

Because you dont always need to know EVERYTHING about someone and their life/relationship to be able to put yourself in the situation and decifer how it would make you feel.



Exactly. And using that argument, we can listen to the things you're saying about your relationship and tell you that if it were us, we wouldn't stand for it.

[Winter Storm]

Exactly. It makes absolutely no sense to post expressly for advice and feedback, but when advice and feedback are given, to counter it with "But...you just don't KNOW...you don't GET how things are!" if it's not what you want to hear...every single time. Exercise in futility.
Which is EXACTLY what I was saying. If you're going to refute everything given, do you really even want advice or insights? Cause I don't think any of it makes a lick of difference with you.

[Ciderhillnh]

Well honestly I told him that it pissed me off, and he told me to get over it. Im not going to keep hounding him and in turn pissing him off....serves no purpose but to just create drama and distain which just makes it that much worse in its entirety.

So my comment about hiding it, is well yeah Ill have to deal with my feelings on my own and not let him see that its bothering me because if I keep telling him and hounding him its not going to fix anything or make it change.

So......I wait a bit......maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months and maybe try to approach the subject again in another manner (not directly relating to his talking with her) and see if he gets it then.

I dont take the approach of whining and complaining and fighting with someone just because I tell them something and they dont change.....fighting just creates resentment.

[wordsmith]

Did you NOT see my post to And1 about how he brings up a good point that there might be a grudge that he is carrying.....and quite possibly might have something to do with the gap he feels exists between him and I that I cant fill that he needs to find others to fill but hasnt found them yet and thus it makes him upset......???

Question - DO you think that you're to blame for how you're being treated? That there is some grudge that your BF is justified in bearing toward you that makes you deserve that?

[nikorock28]

Well honestly I told him that it pissed me off, and he told me to get over it. Im not going to keep hounding him and in turn pissing him off....serves no purpose but to just create drama and distain which just makes it that much worse in its entirety.

So my comment about hiding it, is well yeah Ill have to deal with my feelings on my own and not let him see that its bothering me because if I keep telling him and hounding him its not going to fix anything or make it change.

So......I wait a bit......maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months and maybe try to approach the subject again in another manner (not directly relating to his talking with her) and see if he gets it then.

I dont take the approach of whining and complaining and fighting with someone just because I tell them something and they dont change.....fighting just creates resentment.

How is repressing your true feelings healthy?

[wordsmith]

I dont take the approach of whining and complaining and fighting with someone just because I tell them something and they dont change.....fighting just creates resentment.

So does opting not to address improper treatment. Either way, it looks like you're the one left with resentment...but, yeah, you're right. Not ever letting on that you aren't being treated properly will really help keep HIS level of resentment down.

[Winter Storm]

I dont take the approach of whining and complaining and fighting with someone just because I tell them something and they dont change.....fighting just creates resentment.

NO ONE said you have to fight or whine or complain.

But many people have said that you can either take this as a bad sign or deal with it.

You have chosen to deal with it as your hands are tied, right? I think that is understood and there's nothing left to argue with there.

[Skyblade]

Why is it that a relationship to you is either controlling, abusive, high maintenance OR aloof, non-commital, hands off? Isn't there a middle ground there? I feel like most healthy relationships fall in the middle. So, you don't like someone hanging around all the time and calling you all day...but you can have that without being disrespected and made to feel like a selfish asshole.

[wordsmith]

Just a hunch, but I'm thinking that verbalizing legitimate feelings to one's BF = "whining and complaining and fighting" in cider's world.

[Winter Storm]

So does opting not to address improper treatment. Either way, it looks like you're the one left with resentment...but, yeah, you're right. Not ever letting on that you aren't being treated properly will really help keep HIS level of resentment down.
And in the end (or at least for a few more months or until it ticks you off again), he'll get to do whatever he wants, playfully texting and joking around with girl in TX (whose probably having just as much fun) and you get to sit by his side and watch, through gritted teeth and bottled up jealousy and anger. But you'll have Rolo's!

Yay for both of you!

[Ciderhillnh]

Words....I dont think that Ive done anything to make him angry or seek out other girls.
I know I get on his nerves and sometimes push his buttons but that happens when you're close with someone.

I know he has expressed things that I lack that he says he needs, but mostly its things Im not interested in doing JUST for him, and they arent things that are going to make me a better person (at least in my opinion) he harps on me that I dont read much, and he wishes I would read more.....well thats great but I dont always have time and the books I read are vastly different than the ones he does.....he reads about 17th century France law, I like to read case studies.
He wishes I had a bigger thirst for knowledge.....I think I have a pretty big thirst for it, but just because he talks about some fantasy book that was written by some famous author, doesnt mean Im going to go read up on the author because he mentioned it.....sorry not my thing...if its something he mentions that interests me (say.....something about a flower that only grows in one part of the world or a case study done in the 50s....Ill probably read about it)

SO those are things he is seeking that I dont 'provide' for him which is where his friends come in......

But I dont think that my lack of doing these things would create him to directly lash out, plus he isnt that passive aggressive. He would and has flat out told me that he is annoyed by these things.

In relationships IMO, you dont always have to come forth and say exactly what you are thinking over and over until the other person accepts it and modifies who they are so you dont feel like that anymore...thats pointless.
You say how you feel.....and they might change or they might not...if they dont, well they dont...have to value if its worth putting aside to continue moving forward or not.
Sometimes this also means holding off and bringing it up again when its not such a hot topic, to be able to talk about it and not have major emotions create a HUGE unproductive fight.

[Ciderhillnh]

NO verbalizing is one thing.....verbalizing it not liking the response to it and continuing to state that it pisses you off and have blow outs over it is whining/complaining

[nikorock28]

The idea that she plans on waiting a few months to address the issue again is rather terrifying. I don't want to be mean here Cider and I am honestly trying to help you, but doesn't it just make you feel like sh%$ that you have to hold everything in and make it as if everything is alright? I couldn't live a day like that.

[Ciderhillnh]

No because I expressed my thoughts on it, got his reply (which was stop being jealous there is nothing to be jealous of)....so he knows what I think and I know what he thinks.

The point is to keep bringing it up just creates nothing but fighting, and that doesnt solve ANYTHING.

So wait for it to blow over a bit...and bring it up at another point when its not even something currently going on. At that point its probably more constructive than talking about it currently.

[nikorock28]

No because I expressed my thoughts on it, got his reply (which was stop being jealous there is nothing to be jealous of)....so he knows what I think and I know what he thinks.

The point is to keep bringing it up just creates nothing but fighting, and that doesnt solve ANYTHING.

So wait for it to blow over a bit...and bring it up at another point when its not even something currently going on. At that point its probably more constructive than talking about it currently.

What if it continues for the next few months?

[hoodie]

Cider, you want opinions (or say you do), so here is mine:

First of all, you seem to be reacting as many do who have been abused by controlling boyfriends. You swing the complete opposite direction. You want someone who is very hands-off and gives you space. Understandably so if you've had relationships that were hurtful and controlling. As a result, you yourself do not get jealous very often. You remind me very much of my older sister, who got out of a five year abusive/controlling relationship and is now very very protective of her "friend time". Cool for you.

The problem here is that you are jealous now. Do you have a right to be? YES!!!!! A THOUSAND TIMES, YES! Your bf is letting some random chick get away with something he won't let you do, and when questioned about it, he implies that you need to "get over yourself" and goes even further to insult you by stating that this girl is "wittier" than you. You have a right to be jealous, and your boyfriend thinks you don't. In fact, he may do a million sweet, loving things for you but what he did here is WRONG. If this instance is any indicator, I read between the lines that he doesn't respect your opinion, he is inflexible, and your feelings matter very little to him. IMO, true love takes some compromise and he isn't willing.

In a weird way, he may be just as controlling as some of your exes. Not in that he calls all the time or keeps you from hanging out with whoever, but in that he controls how you view yourself. If he makes you think you are screwed up, or overreacting for what is a NORMAL and RATIONAL reaction, he's got your brain in a vise. If you were my sister, best friend, or another girl I care deeply for, I would be hurting inside for you and hope you someday SOON figure out that you can have fun and be with your friends just as easily single without having to sacrifice your heart to a callous, careless, and hurtful guy like this one. Abuse comes in all shapes and sizes, honey, don't forget that.

Good luck Cider, I mean that.

[AshleyJordan]

Uh, I can say from experience that waiting until a "quiet" moment to bring stuff like that up is a really bad idea. It's also classic passive-agressive, which means you're actually upset right now and just not expressing it. So you're not OK with what your BF is doing. This means you should talk to him now about it.

[nikorock28]

Cider, you want opinions (or say you do), so here is mine:

First of all, you seem to be reacting as many do who have been abused by controlling boyfriends. You swing the complete opposite direction. You want someone who is very hands-off and gives you space. Understandably so if you've had relationships that were hurtful and controlling. As a result, you yourself do not get jealous very often. You remind me very much of my older sister, who got out of a five year abusive/controlling relationship and is now very very protective of her "friend time". Cool for you.

The problem here is that you are jealous now. Do you have a right to be? YES!!!!! A THOUSAND TIMES, YES! Your bf is letting some random chick get away with something he won't let you do, and when questioned about it, he implies that you need to "get over yourself" and goes even further to insult you by stating that this girl is "wittier" than you. You have a right to be jealous, and your boyfriend thinks you don't. In fact, he may do a million sweet, loving things for you but what he did here is WRONG. If this instance is any indicator, I read between the lines that he doesn't respect your opinion, he is inflexible, and your feelings matter very little to him. IMO, true love takes some compromise and he isn't willing.

In a weird way, he may be just as controlling as some of your exes. Not in that he calls all the time or keeps you from hanging out with whoever, but in that he controls how you view yourself. If he makes you think you are screwed up, or overreacting for what is a NORMAL and RATIONAL reaction, he's got your brain in a vise. If you were my sister, best friend, or another girl I care deeply for, I would be hurting inside for you and hope you someday SOON figure out that you can have fun and be with your friends just as easily single without having to sacrifice your heart to a callous, careless, and hurtful guy like this one. Abuse comes in all shapes and sizes, honey, don't forget that.

Good luck Cider, I mean that.

Excellent post.

[and1grad]

Well honestly I told him that it pissed me off, and he told me to get over it. Im not going to keep hounding him and in turn pissing him off....serves no purpose but to just create drama and distain which just makes it that much worse in its entirety.

So my comment about hiding it, is well yeah Ill have to deal with my feelings on my own and not let him see that its bothering me because if I keep telling him and hounding him its not going to fix anything or make it change.

So......I wait a bit......maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months and maybe try to approach the subject again in another manner (not directly relating to his talking with her) and see if he gets it then.

I dont take the approach of whining and complaining and fighting with someone just because I tell them something and they dont change.....fighting just creates resentment.
None of this is any good tho, b/c waiting to bring it up WILL create resentment on BOTH of your parts. His p.o.v.: you're bringing up something he thinks is already resolved and he's gonna resent you for it...Your p.o.v.: you're letting something stew and that can ONLY build up resentment. Its one thing to resolve an issue at the time it happens, even if that means a lot of fighting, but holding things in and bringing up old stuff are the kinds of things that rip relationships apart. Anyway, its just gonna come down to what you're willing to put up with. Where do you draw the line in the sand? Thats whats gonna be important.

[Winter Storm]

In a weird way, he may be just as controlling as some of your exes. Not in that he calls all the time or keeps you from hanging out with whoever, but in that he controls how you view yourself. If he makes you think you are screwed up, or overreacting for what is a NORMAL and RATIONAL reaction, he's got your brain in a vise. If you were my sister, best friend, or another girl I care deeply for, I would be hurting inside for you and hope you someday SOON figure out that you can have fun and be with your friends just as easily single without having to sacrifice your heart to a callous, careless, and hurtful guy like this one. Abuse comes in all shapes and sizes, honey, don't forget that.


Absolutely EXCELLENT observation, hoodie!

I know I was once under the mind control of a sharp manipulator but I never saw a single sign, til it was all over with. Even worse, no one ever saw anything either. I ate what he fed me and was none the wiser.

[nikorock28]

Absolutely EXCELLENT observation, hoodie!

I know I was once under the mind control of a sharp manipulator but I never saw a single sign, til it was all over with. Even worse, no one ever saw anything either. I ate what he fed me and was none the wiser.

Yeah, I really don't see how he is NOT a controllong bf is she has to ACT and CHANGE her behavior around him to make it look like things are OK, when they are in fact NOT OK. Cider's feelings are being manipulated big time.

[Ciderhillnh]

SO you're posting that EVERY SINGLE time something bothers you with someone…..BF/GF, friend, co-worker, family you point out exactly what it is and possibly fight over it

You NEVER EVER hold back or don’t say something to prevent getting into an altercation, or possibly hold off until a better point in time comes up?

[SmilesSoSweet]

SO you're posting that EVERY SINGLE time something bothers you with someone…..BF/GF, friend, co-worker, family you point out exactly what it is and possibly fight over it

You NEVER EVER hold back or don’t say something to prevent getting into an altercation, or possibly hold off until a better point in time comes up?

You pick and chose your battles. But you can't just keep holding it inside either if it's something that's really bothering you.

And why are you assuming that after you talk to someone about what's bugging you that it's going to turn into a fight? You can confront someone without the possiblity of getting into a fight.

And just so you know, there really isn't a "better time" to point something out to someone that things have been bothering you.

[wordsmith]

In a weird way, he may be just as controlling as some of your exes. Not in that he calls all the time or keeps you from hanging out with whoever, but in that he controls how you view yourself. If he makes you think you are screwed up, or overreacting for what is a NORMAL and RATIONAL reaction, he's got your brain in a vise. If you were my sister, best friend, or another girl I care deeply for, I would be hurting inside for you and hope you someday SOON figure out that you can have fun and be with your friends just as easily single without having to sacrifice your heart to a callous, careless, and hurtful guy like this one. Abuse comes in all shapes and sizes, honey, don't forget that.

Good luck Cider, I mean that.

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. It's still being controlled, it's just more insidious, and, in my mind, probably worse, because it makes it harder to identify and own up to, and even to see, when you're caught up in it. There is blatant abuse, and there is the tougher to pin down, more insidious kind.

[nikorock28]

SO you're posting that EVERY SINGLE time something bothers you with someone…..BF/GF, friend, co-worker, family you point out exactly what it is and possibly fight over it

You NEVER EVER hold back or don’t say something to prevent getting into an altercation, or possibly hold off until a better point in time comes up?

If it is something minor, no, you just let it go. If it is something major, then yes, it has to be dealt with. It is a telling sign that this is major because you are waiting for a time in the future to possibly talk about it. If it is minor, you are not thinking like that... it just rolls off your back. An annoyance for the moment, but nothing that is at the significant core of the relationship.

[hoodie]

I know because I've had one too. This guy was a master at the "I'm this way, take it or leave it." In my head I genuinely thought that every time we disagreed I was being an idiot or "overreacting" and had a million ways to rationalize it to myself and others. Truth is, he was abusive, controlling, and manipluative....but he never controlled me around friends or other guys so I didn't recognize it as what it was. That's why Cider's posts are making me sick to my stomach. It's BIZARRELY similar in all the wrong ways.

[wordsmith]

SO you're posting that EVERY SINGLE time something bothers you with someone…..BF/GF, friend, co-worker, family you point out exactly what it is and possibly fight over it

You NEVER EVER hold back or don’t say something to prevent getting into an altercation, or possibly hold off until a better point in time comes up?

No, you mention it when it's something that really matters to you...like, say, when it matters enough that you're moved to post a convoluted, distressed, emotionally charged message to a bunch of people online, so conflicted over what to even feel that you can't make heads or tails of it. You don't hold back when it's something that will snowball and get worse and build hurt and resentment. Trust your own judgment.

It sounds like you've got this Sword of Damocles hanging over your head on this issue...to mix my metaphors, you've got it ingrained that if you express any dissatisfaction, you'll just be waiting for the axe to fall, taunting it, really. That shouldn't be.

[Ciderhillnh]

Im more of the type to let things go in the moment and come back to deal with them at another more convenient point (sometimes 20 minutes later, sometimes a week later all depends on what it is)

Ah as for why things turn into a fight.....because any BF Ive had, when approached about something that is bothering me, its turned into a fight of why I feel/act this way why they feel/act that way, and it just turns into a fight.

So Im more likely to talk about something a bit after its happened so I have my head on straight about it when forming my thoughts and articulating them to the other person. Also gives a chance to put together how to talk about it without putting them on the defensive so that the chat is constructive.

[nikorock28]

Cider, you yourself have stated on several occassions that you are not the jealous type. I believe you when you say that. And, if I believe that, then there is asolutely something that is causing you to become jealous and angry. Don't you think that is also a telling sign that something is absolutely wrong about this entire situation?

[Ciderhillnh]

Exactly.....since Im not a jealous person, something is gonig on that is upsetting me.

But I did tell him my thoughts, he told me to get over it...now its okay next course of action.

I know if I keep bringing it up its just going to piss him off. So for now Im going to let it go....see what happens. He might taper off talking to her...they did just connect again after 3 years....and while I might not like how she is talking to him all the time, she is doing most of the contacting....BUT it might not drop off, and if it doesnt, then there is more to be said about my distaste for what is going on.

[KCboy]

"Not abusive or controlling" aren't reasons to be with someone, Cider. That should be a GIVEN. You don't get extra points for not being abusive or controlling.

that reminds me of Chris Rock's standup.

"(proudly) I ain't never been to jail. I never beat my kids"

"You're not supposed to you dumb mother-f*cker! What do you want a cookie?!"

[AshleyJordan]

that reminds me of Chris Rock's standup.

"(proudly) I ain't never been to jail. I never beat my kids"

"You're not supposed to you dumb mother-f*cker! What do you want a cookie?!"

LOL. "I take care of my kids!"

[wordsmith]

Exactly.....since Im not a jealous person, something is gonig on that is upsetting me.

But I did tell him my thoughts, he told me to get over it...now its okay next course of action.

I know if I keep bringing it up its just going to piss him off. So for now Im going to let it go....see what happens. He might taper off talking to her...they did just connect again after 3 years....and while I might not like how she is talking to him all the time, she is doing most of the contacting....BUT it might not drop off, and if it doesnt, then there is more to be said about my distaste for what is going on.

It's that line in the sand. Are you okay with being told to "just get over it?" Think it over.

[nikorock28]

It's that line in the sand. Are you okay with being told to "just get over it?" Think it over.

Exactly. If she has a legitimate concern that is upsetting her and then is told to "just get over it... I am how I am", one would think that she would feel disrespected and used.

[wordsmith]

Or, at the very least, that somebody whose mantra is "Your feelings don't matter enough to warrant my notice or response" is shitty relationship material.

[nikorock28]

Exactly.....since Im not a jealous person, something is gonig on that is upsetting me.

But I did tell him my thoughts, he told me to get over it...now its okay next course of action.

I know if I keep bringing it up its just going to piss him off. So for now Im going to let it go....see what happens. He might taper off talking to her...they did just connect again after 3 years....and while I might not like how she is talking to him all the time, she is doing most of the contacting....BUT it might not drop off, and if it doesnt, then there is more to be said about my distaste for what is going on.

So, you express your feelings on something that is upsetting to you, he tells you to get over it, and you are ok with his response?
Why does there have to be "more to be said"? In all hoensty, it seems like you are afraid of your bf and his potential reaction.

[nikorock28]

Or, at the very least, that somebody who's mantra is "Your feelings don't matter enough to warrant my notice or response" is shitty relationship material.

Yeah. It is just a completely rude response and is very telling of character.

[wordsmith]

So, you express your feelings on something that is upsetting to you, he tells you to get over it, and you are ok with his response?
Why does there have to be "more to be said"? In all hoensty, it seems like you are afraid of your bf and his potential reaction.

Yes.

And it also seems likely that in the likely event that this doesn't taper off, but remains an issue, bringing it up in the future is going to garner EXACTLY the same dismissive, disrespectful response. Why would his reaction to being called on behavior change?

[and1grad]

And it also seems likely that in the likely event that this doesn't taper off, but remains an issue, bringing it up in the future is going to garner EXACTLY the same dismissive, disrespectful response. Why would his reaction to being called on behavior change?
No, its gonna be worse. Its very "a stitch in time saves nine"-ish. You cant let something that sincerely bothers you incubate like that. What could've been handled with a simple discussion or argument can become full on war when brought up later. I can understand taking a day or so to think out what you wanna say, but when it comes to bringing something up weeks or months later....bad things, man. Bad things.

[AshleyJordan]

No, its gonna be worse. Its very "a stitch in time saves nine"-ish. You cant let something that sincerely bothers you incubate like that. What could've been handled with a simple discussion or argument can become full on war when brought up later. I can understand taking a day or so to think out what you wanna say, but when it comes to bringing something up weeks or months later....bad things, man. Bad things.

I agree 110%. I would have saved myself so much trouble and pain over the years if I had been able to just say when something bothered me at the time, rather than waiting until I was just furious and had bottled everything up. Oh well.

[nikorock28]

No, its gonna be worse. Its very "a stitch in time saves nine"-ish. You cant let something that sincerely bothers you incubate like that. What could've been handled with a simple discussion or argument can become full on war when brought up later. I can understand taking a day or so to think out what you wanna say, but when it comes to bringing something up weeks or months later....bad things, man. Bad things.

Agreed. But, I think the underlying problem here is that he feels he has done nothing wrong (if he didn't feel this way, why would he say to just live with it; if he feels he has done something wrong, then he is just a jacka$$) and Cider feels otherwise. In case #1, he will not relent because that's how he is. In Case #2, he is still the jacka$$ (well, that applies to both cases). In any event, this doesn't seem to be an issue that will be easily reconciled.

[cache]

Ooooo, another installment....I almost missed it.


...eh, then again, it's just like a Hollyood sequel - change a few details and call it a new story...I've read most of these plot lines before.


My favorite part was the fact that you can go to a party with your BF, and he never hangs out with you, but gets off the hook with a pack of Rolos. :rolleyes:

[zen_mistress]

He doesnt sound like a nice guy. You could do better.

[and1grad]

The thing is...i'm not sure he HAS really done something wrong. Like all of you have repeatedly pointed out, Cider's relationship is of the abnormal variety. So maybe this is something, from his point of view, that he has put up with and now the shoe's on the other foot. IF thats the case, maybe they BOTH need to really think about how their actions in this relationship are perceived by the other.

[nikorock28]

The thing is...i'm not sure he HAS really done something wrong. Like all of you have repeatedly pointed out, Cider's relationship is of the abnormal variety. So maybe this is something, from his point of view, that he has put up with and now the shoe's on the other foot. IF thats the case, maybe they BOTH need to really think about how their actions in this relationship are perceived by the other.

We could speculate til hell freezes over... remember, only Cider know :) :rolleyes:

[wordsmith]

Assuming truthfulness on her part, I definitely see things done wrong, no speculation necessary. But that's another discussion for another thread.

[cheshrcarol]

The thing is...i'm not sure he HAS really done something wrong. Like all of you have repeatedly pointed out, Cider's relationship is of the abnormal variety. So maybe this is something, from his point of view, that he has put up with and now the shoe's on the other foot. IF thats the case, maybe they BOTH need to really think about how their actions in this relationship are perceived by the other.The point is that it bothers her, though. IMO, if you're in an adult relationship you should be able to calmly discuss something that your partner did that bothered you. And maybe after discussing it she realizes she doesn't need to feel jealous or upset any more. I just don't think it's cool that he brushes her aside and says "get over it".

Also, I'm a big proponent of letting people know when you're upset, assuming it's something worth mentioning. I think it's much better to have a calm discussion about it when it's relevant, as opposed to bringing it up months down the line because it's still bothering you, or even making problems worse by behaving passive-aggressively because you're still mad over something you never addressed.

[bridgetjones]

The lady doth protest too much me thinks.

I do not think you are being totally irrational and do not let him define that for you. He is dismissing your feelings in an asshatish way. That is all I know. I know that is definatley not cool. I have told ppl off for doing less than what you are putting up with right now. I have dumped ppl for doing less than what you are putting up with right now. Yes you love him but can you seriously put up with this crap long term?

Unless you are willing to put up with his condescending behavior, you need to define that for yourself and commicate it to him. Preferably in a rational calm prepared way. Regardless of whether you are a HS dropout and he has a PHD, a respectful BF will not rub your "lack of wit and intellect" in your face on a contiuos basis.

Right I am outta here. Next!

[teeny]

first off, i don't think you need to keep telling yourself that you're not a jealous person. That doesn't automatically disqualify you from ever feeling jealous or upset. I'm not particularly jealous and i get jealous in certain circumstances.
So you want space/time with your friends- completely legit- not everyone is with their partners 24-7. My ex-bf and I only saw each other a couple times a week and we lived a couple miles away and were together almost 4 years. I don't think its a strange arrangement or one you can never find again, especially in your 20's.
The thing is- never underestimate talking. how is ignoring you...to talk to another girl... many times a day...not a threat? he has mentioned that he wants you to be more passionate about certain things- doesn't that bother YOU? First off, that he has told you that you need to change how you are so that you can be "witty" enough for him. Bullshit- he needs to accept you as you are, if you do for him. Theres a big difference between "i like talking to sarah because she knows a lot about history" vs. " i like talking to her because she's wittier and stimulates my mind more." Also, how can you feel safe in a relationship when you know that his eye might not be wandering, but that his mind is? You're not just a warm body. I understand 100% that one person will never be your "everything", but it doesn't sound like he's giving you respect for your own set of talents and passions. And he's being pretty disrespectful by telling you to just get over it. Maybe he doesn't really want a relationship but a girl he can take care of when HE feels like. A lot of guys are emotionally unavailable but like the feeling of protecting a girl- so they fix things for them and take them out to dinner. I've been there. Is that what you want- or would you rather have someone who is really interested in making YOU happy and what YOU have to say???

[Ciderhillnh]

Im not happy about being told to get over it…but I also know that even if my BF says this sometimes things do resonate through his mind and he modifies but doesn’t make a big announcement about it, it just happens.

But also because he has said get over it (since I did speak to him DIRECTLY about my feelings) I know that if I bring it up again, it will fall on deaf ears, which is why holding off and bringing it up when its not directly happening (as in RIGHT after she texts or he is on the phone with her) it will be received more readily.

Nik I am not afraid of his reaction, but when I speak to people about things that they are doing that directly bother me, if when I speak up immediately if they are very defensive its obvious that its not going to be heard. So waiting until the person isnt going to be defensive (in my experiences) has shown that the information is taken and heard and sometimes even creates a change in the person, much more than if they are totally defensive and cant see anything but ways to be defensive.

People take time to change, so sometimes with an initial conversation, its defensive and blocked. Probably not the right time to talk about it….just like sometimes right in the moment isnt the best time, its best when both people are calm or its not even something on the radar that is going on.
SO yes, sometimes a week or 2 later while hanging out reading books together on the couch, casually saying you know I wanted to talk to you about something………

CACHE…the point being made is that he did something sweet and unexpected. I could care less that he was talking to new people at a party and wasn’t attached to my hip. I was talking with my friends and new people as well. His giving me candy wasn’t about making nice because he wasn’t with me, it was that he got it when I didn’t notice and gave it to me later, something he commonly does.

And1…while I do talk to my friends quite often etc, when my BF comes over, if Im on the phone I say to the person 'hey my BF is here Ill catch you later" get off the phone and kiss my BF. He is also the one who encourages me to go out and do my own thing etc…so I don’t believe that he is harboring feelings that now the shoe is on the other foot.
Plus he is a self proclaimed loner…..which is again why this isnt all adding up and why its bugging me.

Im not passive aggressive. I did tell him what my feelings were, he stated his thoughts on the situation, not much more can be done…..if I keep telling him it bugs me it does nothing but piss him off, its not going to foster his saying wow this really bugs you let me stop speaking to her as much……if anything it will just make him avoid interacting and dealing with me because its not enjoyable to be around someone who is just in a pissy mood…..
So it gets drop for a time….see what happens see if anything changes, if it doesn’t, it will be brought up again.

Teeny…..I only see my BF maybe 2 times per week and only on weekends lately…..and we live 15 minutes from one another.
The point isnt that he talks to her because she is wittier……he just said she is wittier….just like he has friends that are smarter than me, or enjoy different things than I do that he shares with them.
Its like anyones friends….you have things in common so you spend time with them doing those things because you like them while other people may not, so you don’t involve them in those activities.

For instance…I like hiking. A few of my friends like hiking, a few do not. When I go hiking I go with my friends who like it, not the ones who don’t.

So for him, he has friends that fill those spots that I don’t. It doesn’t mean I have to make myself fill those spots, because well..no one can fill someones every spot.
But….he doesn’t have many friends locally so he is missing some of that spot filling. He has looked to me to fill it but Im not going to, he sees this, I see this and its fine. He just needs to get out and meet people for those spots he feels are lacking.

He does point out my talents etc. He always says how good I am with people, and how I can read them and know whats going on, and how much empathy I have and how I keep everyones life story straight and how I keep in touch all the time.
He states how he doesn’t have those skills but thinks its brilliant that I do.
He is also amazed at how much I know about human development and psych due to my college stuff and outside readings. We have great discussions and he has pointed out how much he has learned from them.

I don’t want a guy to MAKE me happy. I can make myself happy. I also don’t need a guy to fix things and take me out to dinner (plus we rarely go out to dinner so its not like he does that to 'take care of me') He also wants a girl who isnt helpless and makes attempts to take care of things on her own before asking for help….independent….which is what I do. When I cant after trying, I nudge him for some help.

Eh I don’t know anymore……I said my piece to him, he said his response…..now lie and wait and see where it goes from here before deciding on the next move.

[and1grad]

And1…while I do talk to my friends quite often etc, when my BF comes over, if Im on the phone I say to the person 'hey my BF is here Ill catch you later" get off the phone and kiss my BF. He is also the one who encourages me to go out and do my own thing etc…so I don’t believe that he is harboring feelings that now the shoe is on the other foot.
Plus he is a self proclaimed loner…..which is again why this isnt all adding up and why its bugging me.
Not saying that that was specifically the problem, but that there could be something bothering him...that he's had to put up with in terms of your relationship. I dont know what it could or would be.