Breaking Up when you live with your boyfriend

[Miss M]

I have been dating my current boyfriend for two years and we live together. I just can't help but think that its not right. He is wonderful, I just don't know if my heart is fully in it. However, I am scared to lose the relationship and potentially deal with breaking up and all that comes with breaking up with someone that you live with. I am on the verge of being 26 and just feel like I have spent the last 6 years of my life in two relationships and have nothing to show for it. I really don't know what to do. I just think I will never be in love like I once was with my first boyfriend. I hate to admit it but in the wake of a million friends getting married, I am scared to be 26 and single. I know these are not the right reasons to stay in a relationship, but they are my concerns. Has anyone dealt with breaking up with someone you lived with?

[Chameleon]

I don't have first hand experience with breaking up with someone you live with but I hear it's akin to having a divorce without the "help" from lawyers. A lot of people delay the breakup just because they don't want to face the daunting task of seperating their stuff and moving.

A couple things to think about - at 26, you've had a couple long term relationships, that's more relationship experience than a lot of people. Sure, it doesn't come with a shiny ring or certificate, but that life experience counts for something. You have a better idea of what you want in a relationship, right? Would you rather stay and get your trophy but still be unhappy? I know people bitch about being single all the time, but is being alone really scarier than being with the wrong person?

Assuming, of course, the person you are with IS wrong for you and you aren't making unfair comparisons with past relationships. Are you remembering the full picture with your first boyfriend? Do you remember why you broke up? Was the quality of the connection (not just the passion) really more fulfilling? Not that "better" automatically means "good enough to stay with". If your current beau is not someone you want to be with, you owe it to yourself to be honest with him and set each other free to go after what you really want.

[inmediasres]

You'll never be in love like you once were. That's how it is for most everyone, I think. You never forget the ache of your first love. However, that doesn't mean future loves won't be fulfilling.

[CityGal]

Not personally, but a coworker of mine has. She made sure all her stuff was packed before she told him though. One of the smartest moves you can make if you do decide to call it quits.

[Kitty]

Not personally, but a coworker of mine has. She made sure all her stuff was packed before she told him though. One of the smartest moves you can make if you do decide to call it quits.

I guess that's like the thing to do, but I don't get it. Every girl I know that left the guy they were living with, moved out completely when the guy was at work or whatever and then had them find out that way. I personally think that's heartless.

[embrassezla]

When I broke up with my live-in, he moved out with a carload of stuff, and came back for the rest when I was at work (but knew he'd be there). It was hard, but better than being in the crappy relationship. I only wish I'd done it sooner.

[Winter Storm]

You'll never be in love like you once were. That's how it is for most everyone, I think. You never forget the ache of your first love. However, that doesn't mean future loves won't be fulfilling.

I thought I'd never love anyone as much as I loved my first. Then came my second and I loved him even more. Hopefully, third time's the charm. But I'll at least know to love smarter!

[sparky88]

I had a boyfriend of 2 years, we lived together 8 months. I broke up with him and at the time it was really difficult because we lived together for 2 months after our breakup (needed to finish up job stuff, move out). It was the best decision I ever made.

It was not like divorce for us because we did not merge our finances or commit to eachother life-long at any point. It broke my heart to break his heart but I kept focusing on how I knew it was a solid decision and would both be better off in the long run.

Also, I think that *some* people never love anyone like they did their first...but it's different for everyone. I never loved anyone like I love my husband. All my past boyfriends pale in comparison, and I barely think of them anymore beyond the occasional "i hope their life is turning out good and they are happy".

Also, I would recommend not fearing the unknown/being alone. You have no idea when someone wondeful will show up in your life. And you will never find out if you settle because it's easier than breaking up and moving out.

Good luck!

[Miss M]

Sparky,

Do you mind me asking why you broke up with your boyfriend that you lived with? I guess my concern is that my current boyfriend is great -I have no complaints about him I just question how much in love I am. So, as much as I am afraid of settling --I am afraid of ending it with a great person. What if the grass isn't greener?

[embrassezla]

I am afraid of settling --I am afraid of ending it with a great person.
If you're afraid you might be settling, then you probably are.

[sparky88]

Sparky,

Do you mind me asking why you broke up with your boyfriend that you lived with? I guess my concern is that my current boyfriend is great -I have no complaints about him I just question how much in love I am. So, as much as I am afraid of settling --I am afraid of ending it with a great person. What if the grass isn't greener?

To start I will say that I also had no complaints about my boyfriend. We got along great, had fun, could communicate fairly well. We loved each other very much, actually. We had been through a lot together and had become great friends. The reason we ended breaking up was because we both needed to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives, what our priorities were. It was paralyzing our growth to stay together. Our relationship did not end in a bad way at all. We just had an honest discussion and made plans to wrap things up and move along in life.

Looking back, and after getting married, I now see that what was missing from day one was a deep enthusiasm for the others life. It's not that we had it, and lost it. It just was never there. What happened was over time we talked ourselves into being in love. And at the end of the day, when I realized & listened to what my heart was telling me I knew it was the most loving thing to break up and stop deceiving ourselves. He agreed.

[Kitty]

Sparky,

Do you mind me asking why you broke up with your boyfriend that you lived with? I guess my concern is that my current boyfriend is great -I have no complaints about him I just question how much in love I am. So, as much as I am afraid of settling --I am afraid of ending it with a great person. What if the grass isn't greener?

Are you just bored? Restless? i dunno..part of me thinks some of your thinking/feelings may be normal..but some of them make me think you may be settling. It seems like you need to do some soul searching.

[Wonder Woman]

As hard as it is, if you don't want to be with him, break up. If you live together and lose more and more interest, it will just get worse and worse. I know a couple that lives together and should have broken up like 2 years ago. I've watched them just sink further and further. She gets depressed all the time, her eye wanders, he just stays home all the time. It's not worth it. 26? You have plenty of time. Look at it this way, the longer you stay w/him, the longer you keep yourself from finding someone who may surprise you.

[Phoenix212]

Not personally, but a coworker of mine has. She made sure all her stuff was packed before she told him though. One of the smartest moves you can make if you do decide to call it quits.

While it may sound heartless, I second that this is a really wise move. Any breakup has the potential to get ugly. You make it sound like your soon-to-be-ex is a decent guy. But people react in strange ways to breakups. So all bets are off whether you'll even be able to get your stuff once you've announced your breakup.

The most important thing is to make sure you have your identity documents. (Driver's license, social security card, passport if you have one, etc.) They can be very hard to replace and it can be very hard to function in society without them. Also don't forget other important records, including all financial records.

Even if you don't have another place to live lined up, you can still rent a self-storage unit and move your stuff into it. It shouldn't take more than a few trips and a few hours. Also, you might want to give the storage unit a mailing address of a mailbox other than where you live now (see below) because if your soon-to-be-ex sees that you opened up a storage unit, that would be a red flag.

Also important is receiving mail. In a breakup situation, it's a very bad idea to have the USPS forward your mail to your new residential address. This is because USPS will give the new address to anyone who has the old address. Besides, you might not have a new permanent address right away. So you'll want to open up a mailbox and then forward your mail at your current address to the mailbox. Mailboxes Etc. works, but they're not cheap, and there may be cheaper alternatives in your area. Note that you should ideally do this before you actually move because the USPS requires your actual residential address to open a mailbox.

Sorry if this sounds negative. But again, any breakup situation has the potential to turn ugly. So think of it like an insurance policy. And you have the absolute right to protect yourself. Besides, replacing stuff can be expensive. I lost stuff which would cost upwards of $2,000 to replace - not a breakup situation, but a place I can't safely go back to regardless.

[NoWomanNoCry]

My ex and I were together for 4 years, and lived together for almost 2. I was in the same situation as you. My ex was a great guy, I had no real complaints about our relationship - but he was just not the guy for me. I began questioning whether or not I was settling, could I spend my life with him, etc. The fact that I even had to question made me realize I needed to move on. I don't think you can kind of want to be with someone. Anything other than yes is no. I did not want to further waste my time or his - that's just not fair. We ended the relationship, and I moved out when he was at work. He said he couldn't bear to watch me go, and I knew I wouldn't have the guts to do it when he was there. It is hard, because you become so comfortable with someone and rely on them so much. It's no fun leaving that zone for the alone zone. If you want more info, feel free to PM me. Good luck.

[dixie24]

Follow your heart, if the relationship is not working you need to end it. I know how hard it is when you've been togewther for years and are living together,
I was with my ex for 2 and a half years and we lived together, too. He was a great guy and we got along wonderfully (I don't think we ever fought). But, I wanted to get married and have children and he didn't. So, our relationship started to fade for me and I realized I had just checked out emotionally. After a few months of this I finally said enough and told him we needed to end things. He moved out that week (on Thanksgiving day, no less) and took all of the furniture except the bed and tv stand (those had been mine). I ate a turkey TV dinner on the living room floor watching a movie by myself that Thanksgiving, after spending the day watching him move out and I never felt better even though it was extremelly hard. I just felt at peace.
Right after we broke up my best friend and I started to date and now 2/12 years later we're getting married! And he does want what I want and is so much more suited to me. I promise it will all work out for the best if you listen to yourself and do what is right for you.

[bored_tim]

Well, I came out of a two-and-a-half year relationship three months ago. I was scared too - all my friends are by now engaged, or married, or at least in a LTR that seems to be going great, and now I was going to rejoin the single. And breaking up wasn't easy - I regretted it soon after and begged her to take me back (she didn't). The first couple of months were really hard but I now know I made the right decision - there were too many things making the relationship miserable and staying together out of fear is always harmful.

Still, you really should talk these over with your boyfriend before going ahead. It would not be fair to suddenly spring this on him. Maybe your issues are resolvable (I know mine weren't) and it's always a good idea to make sure the other person knows this before you start talking about breaking up.

Just my €0.02...

[Lizanne440]

There's nothing wrong with being 26 and single. I'm 25 and most of my friends older than me are married or in LTR's, or getting divorced, in fact. I was in a bad relationship for 2 1/2 years, and I remember contemplating a breakup way before we actually parted ways. I was scared to face everything that is involved in a break-up, but now, I totally wish I could have initiated it earlier. I'm a much happier person now then I ever was with my ex!

[Kitty]

Miss M - what did you decide?

[Miss M]

So, I have still not made a decision. I am traveling abroad next week for three weeks for a graduate study abroad program and I am hoping that time apart will allow me to reflect on everything. I am just still at a major impass as I said he is great, we want the same things out of life and I do care for him immensly. It is just that I catch myself acting so much differently than I did in my past serious relationship (first love). Like, I never call him babe or any kind of stupid name but his real name and I am not as affectionate with him. I don't know I guess I just think that whoever you plan on spending the rest of your life with should be your greatest love--and I don't think I love him more than I loved my ex. Maybe, that is unrealistic thinking or irrational thinking-but that is where I am at. After, being broken up for two years-I can't seem to shake this past four year relationship. I still compare them and I know it is unfair. I just don't want to end this and have major regrets but I don't want to stay in it and end up being a divorcee when I knew all along I shouldn't have stayed.

[stephly21]

I really understand where you are coming from. I have been dating this guy for almost 4 years, but we have been living together for 2. Right now I am feeling disconnected from him. I am not interested in his life anymore and feel we have lost our passion. At times I think I need to go it alone and see what else is out there, but then I think I might not be able to find anything better. Just like you, I don't want to end up in divorce. So I am stuck trying to figure out if I can spend the rest of my life with him. How do you get back the passion? PM me if you need to talk. I think it will be good for you to get away from the situation for a while and just think about things. I don't have th luxury of doing that at the moment. Good luck! Update us.

[Miss M]

stephly it is good to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I appreciate it! I just don't have this sense of " I just so know," people just say they knew so and so was the right one when they got married--but that can't be true of 50% of people wouldn't get divorced. Not that I am in any rush to get married but when you live with someone that talk becomes more serious and honestly if I don't see myself marrying someone I have been dating for this long--well what's the point?

[leira]

I know that this message is coming almost 3 years later, but I'm really really interested to know what happened to the posters who were trying to figure everything out....

I too am in SUCH a similar situation. I was with my boyfriend for almost 6 years, we lived together for 4. He was my first true love, best friend, everything. We had incredibly similar passions and paths with everything- music, work, outlooks, etc. However, we were really enmeshed as well and got together really young (19). When we moved to CA for me to go to grad school, I started to feel trapped, we bickered all the time, had poor communication, etc. Eventually it ended with us deciding to seperate for the time he was in grad school, with the eventual plan of getting back together. Long story short, we both met other people during that time and started dating them seriously.

Fast forward to now- I've been dating this same guy for 2 years. I feel almost identically to him that Miss M and others have described- he's a wonderful guy, very supportive, we don't fight, he makes me laugh all the time. But I just don't feel the same connection to him that I did to my ex. And my ex is not even a question now- he's dating a fellow med student and has been with for almost 2 years, and I know they're pretty serious. He has no interest in getting back together with me. Which I'm not even sure I would want.

I currently live with my bf. As I said, he's wonderful and I care about him. But just like Miss M said, I don't call him those cute names, we dont' do cute romantic things, there's just not the same passion and connection. We also are in different fields, like different things, etc. However, we have better communication then my ex and I ever did, he's so kind and attentive, he can be present and be a better partner in the long run (for example, my ex is going to be an MD, which means I would NEVER see him), etc...

I'm 27, and I'm starting to feel like I need to figure out how to get over this nagging feeling that something's lacking, or breakup with him and move on. But I'm terrified that this is just what more "adult" relationships are like- that they're not as puppy dog and exciting etc, and that if I break up with him I'll be missing out on a great life partner. Which he would be. I know he'd be an amazing friend/lover/partner/father for as long as we'd be together.

I just feel confused. I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on this... hope this thread is still alive and kicking!

[Tayl405]

I posted a thread expressing similar concerns to yours back in August (it's somewhere on here, just don't feel like looking for it right now). I felt the same way as you: we got along great, he treated me like gold (for the most part), we lived together and were great roommates, etc. But there was something missing. It took a lot of deliberation and inner-reflection, but I realized that I wasn't "in" love with him, and at 27 years old I was wasting my time with someone who was only keeping me from being with someone better for me. So I broke up with him at the end of August and he moved out in November (those few months were the worst because he went nuts being angry at me every time I went out). Now we actually get along (we work together, so I have to see him sometimes) and I am the happiest person. I feel so free and like I have so much ahead of me in life and I can do whatever I want. It's exciting. Of course there are times when I'm lonely, and when I really miss him (although that's more as a friend than as a bf), but for me it was the best decision I could have made.

I'm not advocating you breaking up with your bf. You have to do what's right for you. I'm just giving my experience with what sounds like a similar relationship. PM me if you want to chat. It's a HARD decision to make!

[wordsmith]

Adult relationships ARE different than youthful relationships, no question.

But you should still have things in your relationship that make you feel romantically fulfilled. Those might not be the SAME THINGS that made you feel that way when you were 19 or whatever (and, in fact, if you're depending on the same sorts of things from a teenage/early twenties relationship when you're pushing, say, 30, that's might say a little bit about needing to grow a bit...truth be known, I was GLAD to leave the ecstatic highs and tragic lows of the overly dramatic relationships of my early-to-mid twenties, etc. behind and get into stuff that's more mature and less volatile). But, you should still be feeling like you're in a relationship and not a roommate.

[KCboy]

The uncertainty about "settling" at age 26 or 27 is normal, and is the exact reason those people shouldn't even be considering/hoping for marriage.

People have to go through a lot before they are ready for marriage, and they have to know they want to spend the rest of their life with the other person. Its not simply a goal to reach by age X.

I'm sure you will soon see that the people around you who rush to marry the first person they have an "adult" relationship with in their mid-20's will be the ones dealing with divorce, unhappiness, infidelity, etc in their early-30's.

[leira]

I absolutely agree with the last 2 posts. And I don't feel that I would be "settling" with the guy I'm with now.
I think there's something terrifying about realizing that you're just another person, in another relationship, trying to make it work. I mean, that's kind of a kick to the ego, eh? I think we have such romanticized ideals of what love is when we're younger, and when we actually get into the messy dirty parts, it becomes almost mundane or sad. Like, oh wait, our relationship is no more special than any one else's...

My big concern with this current relationship though is that I'm NOT settling. And if I let go of it just because I'm having some "iffy" feelings about settling down, I'll be letting go of a great partner...

[Schecter_Guy]

I'm 27, and I'm starting to feel like I need to figure out how to get over this nagging feeling that something's lacking, or breakup with him and move on. But I'm terrified that this is just what more "adult" relationships are like- that they're not as puppy dog and exciting etc, and that if I break up with him I'll be missing out on a great life partner. Which he would be. I know he'd be an amazing friend/lover/partner/father for as long as we'd be together.
What you said in your story I can relate to completely as your situation is almost exactly like mine concerning the previous relationship and a lot of what you feel now. I can't help but think it is more of an internal issue than an external. Would you say in general you have the same amount of passion in yourself about other aspects of your life now as you did when you were together with the ex? Its kind of hard in this situtation also because even if you found someone who was as similar to you as your ex it may not be the same also because you are kind of reliving the past in this case as opposed to really moving on.

[Matrdefndr]

I'm 27, and I'm starting to feel like I need to figure out how to get over this nagging feeling that something's lacking, or breakup with him and move on. But I'm terrified that this is just what more "adult" relationships are like- that they're not as puppy dog and exciting etc, and that if I break up with him I'll be missing out on a great life partner. Which he would be. I know he'd be an amazing friend/lover/partner/father for as long as we'd be together.

I find sometimes people expect love to be a state of continuous euphoria. I personally, am relieved when the euphoria goes away, because it means the rose colored glasses have come off and I can see the person for who they really are.

I had one experience where the euphoria really polished a turd.

Besides, here's some food for thought. Saved this quote awhile ago, but I can't remember where I found it:

"Sigmund Freud once speculated that a man could be in love with a woman for six years and not know it until many years later. Such a man, with all the goodwill in the world, could not have verbalized what he did not know. He had the feelings, but he did not know about them. It may sound like a paradox — paradoxical because when we think of a feeling, we think of something that we are consciously aware of feeling. As Freud put it in his 1915 article The Unconscious: "It is surely of the essence of an emotion that we should be aware of it. Yet it is beyond question that we can 'have' feelings that we do not know about."

There's a term that shrinks (full disclosure, I am not one and don't claim to be) use for the puppy love, head over heels, butterflies in the stomach feeling: Limerant. In most people (not all, but also not a large portion of the population) limerance fades with time and increased knowledge of the other individual.

I know a lot of old couples (married 30+ years) and from talking with them, those butterflies have always faded. In most of their cases it was replaced with something much deeper. I've heard the feeling once described as when the other person's well being is more important to you than your own.

I dunno if that's what you feel about your guy; but I sure wouldn't make a hasty decision. If you realize you made a mistake in breaking up, he may never trust you again.

[leira]

Would you say in general you have the same amount of passion in yourself about other aspects of your life now as you did when you were together with the ex? Its kind of hard in this situtation also because even if you found someone who was as similar to you as your ex it may not be the same also because you are kind of reliving the past in this case as opposed to really moving on.

That's a good point. I don't feel quite as passionate about other aspects of my life as I do when I was with my ex, so it could also have to do with where I am in life now...

[leira]

I find sometimes people expect love to be a state of continuous euphoria. I personally, am relieved when the euphoria goes away, because it means the rose colored glasses have come off and I can see the person for who they really are.

I had one experience where the euphoria really polished a turd.

Besides, here's some food for thought. Saved this quote awhile ago, but I can't remember where I found it:



There's a term that shrinks (full disclosure, I am not one and don't claim to be) use for the puppy love, head over heels, butterflies in the stomach feeling: Limerant. In most people (not all, but also not a large portion of the population) limerance fades with time and increased knowledge of the other individual.

I know a lot of old couples (married 30+ years) and from talking with them, those butterflies have always faded. In most of their cases it was replaced with something much deeper. I've heard the feeling once described as when the other person's well being is more important to you than your own.

I dunno if that's what you feel about your guy; but I sure wouldn't make a hasty decision. If you realize you made a mistake in breaking up, he may never trust you again.

I think the issue with this is not so much that I expected to have that euphoria to last forever, but that I didn't have the same level of feelings that I had for my ex. I recognize that that fades, as it should. But with my current bf I've just never felt so head over heels in love. I feel like I have a solid, good partnership. But it just doesn't feel as "crazy" as it did before. It's kind of like we just waltzed or mosied into the relationship, not fell in love...

[hoodie]

I've held off responding on some of your posts, leira, because I'm of a torn mentality.

Part of me wonders if you're not holding onto a more idealized version of love. If you have a good, solid partnership, what is lacking? What do you wish he did or wish you shared that you don't have? All you say is you felt more "head over heels" with your ex, but like many have pointed out, that's just a phase of a relationship. You can love someone and be in love with them without all the excitement and magic. It's not going to be sunsets and roses your whole life.

Still, another part of me also thinks if you have to question if you love someone, then you don't love them.

[DaneCA]

Part of me wonders if you're not holding onto a more idealized version of love.

I agree. And I think that people not only idealize love or the Hollywood idea of it, but also an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. Once a few months or years have gone by, it's really easy to forget the bad stuff and dwell on the good. I know I'm guilty of this, and that's why I'm always giving ex-boyfriends a second change, then regretting it once we get comfortable again and the same old problems start reappearing.

[Tayl405]

I agree, but it can be a fine line. That's the main reason I stayed with my ex for so long. I thought I was expecting too much out of a relationship and because we got along and had a "healthy" relationship, I shouldn't want or need more. After pondering it for a long time and realizing that I wasn't in love with him, I was able to make the right decision for me.

I think it's a really, really hard thing to tell. I hope I am able to in the next relationship!

[leira]

Thanks for the responses... I'm still trying to figure this one out. Taylor, do you ever wish you had stayed with your ex that you had a "healthy" relationship with?