Turning it off and on

[bsc23]

My gf and I have been together for 6 years and frequently she can just say "We need to take a break" and just like that they act like we're distant with no regard to feelings. I acknowledge this request but it pains my heart everytime this happens, for this may be the last. I do give her the space she needs but it just surprises me it doesn't affect her as much it does me. Are all girls like this? Even if this were the end, which I hope it's not, I don't think I have the strength to find someone else.

What to do..:cry:

[wordsmith]

I personally know I would have a hard time staying in a relationship with somebody who needs frequent breaks. All girls are not like this, nor are all guys. I feel like if you need a lot of breaks from a relationship, you're not really all that into being in it. I'm sorry if that's the case, that sucks.

[WorkInProgress]

It is space from you? Or space from your relationship?

Because I can understand and don't think it's weird to need space from a person from time to time, or needing some alone time.

I would be disturbed by needing space from the relationship, though.

[bsc23]

Thank you for the support. Yeah well it's not like she needs a break to see other people, she's never really seen other people. She tends to think of our future and sees if we're right for one another, so in order to find that out, she takes "breaks"

[wordsmith]

So, what exactly does a break consist of?

[WorkInProgress]

So, what exactly does a break consist of?

Exactly.

Like a long weekend retreat alone type deal?

Like going to visit her mother/sister/cousin/college roommate?

Like a week to herself?

I see nothing wrong with any of that.

[bsc23]

It's more like a break for her to find herself and make sure I'm right for her and vice versa. She is right now studying for GMAT and needs her space which is also why I oblige. She doesn't know what's out there in terms of other guys. She was never really interested until only recently which bothers me. She always asks herself how would it be with another person since I am her first bf and she is my first.

It does sound doomed at first but for 6 years we really established something, I'd liket to think. We always knew if it were time to get married it would be with each other, but she always asks me "How are you so sure?" and for that question, "you just know."

However whenever she goes on this break, I just feel so betrayed in every aspect.

And a break consists of:

Not seeing each other until the break ends. Could have lunch or a dinner once every few weeks. No talking on the phone or anything. These rules are all enforced by her which pains me because, what if she saw someone else? I dunno I'm rambling...

[bsc23]

theres no time frame, which sucks. So it could be a week to a month or longer.

[meatwad]

I couldn't put up with that. I'm all for giving a girl her space and I definitely have times where I need mine, but what you're talking about wouldn't fly with me. It sound like you two are on different levels.

[bsc23]

That's how I feel at times. Feels like I can give my all to her and do anything. And for her, she'll only give what is appropriate.

But if you love someone so much, you're blinded by all the negatives.

[WorkInProgress]

I couldn't put up with that. I'm all for giving a girl her space and I definitely have times where I need mine, but what you're talking about wouldn't fly with me.

I wouldn't deal with that.

[LakeJay]

Yikes...this break seems brutal. If I were you, I don't know if I would be able to do it. Based on what you two have talked about and decided, I can understand your uneasiness with the whole situation. I'm hoping things work out the way you want them in the end but from my perspective things don't look too favorable. Best of luck...I'm sure there are plenty of us who gone through similiar if not exactly same situations.

[bsc23]

Thanks for your input. Living in NYC sure feels lonely at this moment, :0

[meatwad]

If you never put your foot down, then she has no reason to stop doing it.

[LakeJay]

That's how I feel at times. Feels like I can give my all to her and do anything. And for her, she'll only give what is appropriate.


I think this is big. My last serious relationship was like this. There was a point when I would have given anything for us to be together while she was the one who was more cautious and apprehensive. As time went on, it seemed like roles wound up reversing. To give you an idea of how things evolved, in order to help our relationship, she suggested that we do couples counseling. I didn't want to hear it...instead I suggested that we take a break from each other. She basically saw it as the writing on the wall. I refused to think that way and I tried to paint in a way to show that it was going to help things between us.

I don't regret that I was unsure of our relationship and that maybe things just weren't going to work out between us in the end. I do regret that I wasn't more forward and honest with her about what I really thought rather than hiding behind my bs. For what we had meant to each other and what we had been through, I owed much more than that.

[bsc23]

I tend to give her the benefit of the doubt that she'll come around. If I were to put my foot down, then that might just scare her away. I guess I just wasted 6 years no?

[wordsmith]

No way is what she's doing a good setup. It best it's horribly inconsiderate, and at worst, it smacks of really just wanting to be single and go about her life focusing solely on herslef and her wants/needs, yet still keeping a guy on the line. In my opinion.

[meatwad]

I tend to give her the benefit of the doubt that she'll come around. If I were to put my foot down, then that might just scare her away. I guess I just wasted 6 years no?

If it scares her away then she's no good for you. It sucks, it hurts, you'll second guess yourself a million times, but it's the right move. She's messing with you pretty bad and doesn't seem to care from the way you describe it. Sounds pretty selfish to me.

[Krishna]

If it scares her away then she's no good for you. It sucks, it hurts, you'll second guess yourself a million times, but it's the right move. She's messing with you pretty bad and doesn't seem to care from the way you describe it. Sounds pretty selfish to me.

Ditto.

No way is what she's doing a good setup. It best it's horribly inconsiderate, and at worst, it smacks of really just wanting to be single and go about her life focusing solely on herslef and her wants/needs, yet still keeping a guy on the line. In my opinion.

And ditto to this too...

[bsc23]

I see. Thank you all for your input. Wish me luck :0

[meatwad]

I see. Thank you all for your input. Wish me luck :0

Good luck.

[bridgetjones]

This situation sounds hauntingly like my first serious relationship. Yes I was that girl in some shape or form. He was the first real BF. I knew that I did not want to marry him but it was good enough in the moment. Then I become scared of being alone. I began to need my space too and felt crowded.

He thought he would not find anyone else when I ultimately broke up with him. Lo and behold (I find this out a few years later) that he found his future wife 6 months after we broke up.

Stringing him along is something I regret doing. I also had trouble fathoming being alone after 4 years of togetherness. I thought I did not have the strength to break up completely for a while before it. It was not an easy thing to do for me.

If it is not meant to be, then it is not meant to be. It hurts like a bitch but you learn from it and move on. It would be a bigger waste to stay if she does not want to take it to the next level like you want to do.

[CTGirl]

I tend to give her the benefit of the doubt that she'll come around. If I were to put my foot down, then that might just scare her away. I guess I just wasted 6 years no?

Ever hear of the Sunk Cost Principle?

[meatwad]

Don't let people walk over you. You don't have to sacrifice your self-respect to make a relationship work.

[bsc23]

I don't let anyone else walk over me. Though she is like Delilah pulling Samson's hair.

She definitely wants a guy who can take care of a family really well, i.e. make over 150k before 30. I highly doubt I can even crack 100k at this rate and I'm turning 26 soon! (yikes) So in the end run, love just isn't enough in the real world.

[Chameleon]

I don't let anyone else walk over me. Though she is like Delilah pulling Samson's hair.

She definitely wants a guy who can take care of a family really well, i.e. make over 150k before 30. I highly doubt I can even crack 100k at this rate and I'm turning 26 soon! (yikes) So in the end run, love just isn't enough in the real world.
I'm sorry, bsc23,, I've yet to hear what's so awesome about this girl that makes her worth this agony. She's been jerking you around for 6 years and she has a salary cut-off that you have to make to take care of a family? What happens if you don't make $150, will she go with the other guy she has her eye on?

You mentioned wasting 6 years, have you considered that if you stay longer, you'd have wasted 7, 8, 9 years of your life on a girl who doesn't care enough about you to just break up and be done? Don't you want someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them?

[bsc23]

I thought she would accept me for me by now. There are great qualities about her. She cooks for me all the time when she's over my apt. She makes sure I'm always comfortable, not stressed, and safe. She makes me feel like I matter to someone. And I trust her totally, I know 101% she is faithful and that trust is basically the foundation of our relationship. Though in the end run, she is more practical than I am.... but this is probably the last straw. I'll just live my life how I like it, not according to someone else's expectations.

[CTGirl]

I thought she would accept me for me by now. There are great qualities about her. She cooks for me all the time when she's over my apt. She makes sure I'm always comfortable, not stressed, and safe. She makes me feel like I matter to someone. And I trust her totally, I know 101% she is faithful and that trust is basically the foundation of our relationship.

These are the basic qualities of any halfway decent girlfriend, doesnt make her worth all that nonsense.

[and1grad]

She definitely wants a guy who can take care of a family really well, i.e. make over 150k before 30. I highly doubt I can even crack 100k at this rate and I'm turning 26 soon! (yikes) So in the end run, love just isn't enough in the real world.
I dont know why anyone would want a girl like that and to be brutally honest, you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt with this girl. Its time to start using your brain and time to stop coming up with excuses as to why you should be with this person.

[Krishna]

I dont know why anyone would want a girl like that and to be brutally honest, you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt with this girl. Its time to start using your brain and time to stop coming up with excuses as to why you should be with this person.

I'm with and1 on this. Just because she does the basic things a girlfriend should be doing (making you feel safe, being faithful, etc), it doesn't mean that she's the person for you. She sounds like she's immature, selfish, and a golddigger (wtf is up with that $150k a year goal?! What, does she magically not love anyone who makes less than that? Sorry sweetie, but there's a ton of great people who don't make that much). You can do 110% better than her. If nothing changes, the longer you stay the more miserable you're going to be. Sorry.

[wordsmith]

I say thank God you've ONLY sunk 6 years into this girl. You don't need this.

[puncherofdonkey]

I thought she would accept me for me by now. There are great qualities about her. She cooks for me all the time when she's over my apt. She makes sure I'm always comfortable, not stressed, and safe. She makes me feel like I matter to someone. And I trust her totally, I know 101% she is faithful and that trust is basically the foundation of our relationship. Though in the end run, she is more practical than I am.... but this is probably the last straw. I'll just live my life how I like it, not according to someone else's expectations.

My apologies because this obviously has to be a size 15 kick to the balls, but I can't help but smile at the bold-ed sentence. Take that part out, due to the fallacy of it, and you're left with a girl who cooks when she's at your place, is practical, and is trustworthy...from your perspective. What a catch.

Taking breaks is BS (like anything there are exceptions, but very few). There's a big difference between "I'm staying home/going out with friends/ studying tonight" and "we need a break." I know you trust her and love her and stuff, but I'd be willing to bet she's either been with guys or come seriously close to it. She doesn't tell you about it or feel any guilt because chances are, you two were "on a break."

I know it sucks when you think you've found The One, but there is one glaring negative with your perspective (take this with a grain of salt obviously, since it's anonymous, on the internet, and from a guy your age)- you're a doormat.

This is trouble for two main reasons.
One, she can do whatever she likes because she knows you'll stick it out and suffer, in the name of love; which she'll take for granted. Two, by being this way, you're not making a case for how damn cool you are and how girls should be happy to be around you.

Meet people, go out, leave your comfort zones, grow some confidence (not cockiness) and she will either realize what she's leaving behind and the roles will be, for lack of a better word, reversed or you'll have already met some awesome people who will introduce you to awesome girls.

Don't look at it as 6 years wasted, if you think that because you're not marrying her, that time was wasted; you have bigger issues than just relationships. What did you learn? What did you like about her (and want from future relationships)? What are your deal-breakers? What do you wish you could do over?

This is not a typical relationship. She wants it ended, but is either too scared or too immature to do it herself. I'd say, cut off ALL contact, the time to work things out has gone. It'll suck balls for a few weeks, possibly a couple of months, but in time, you'll see that was the best course of action. Instead use that time to focus on bettering yourself; you'll like who you'll become and girls (quality girls) will be attracted to that.

Good luck.

[freemarzo]

You should give her a dose of her own medicine and take a break from her. Six years is a long time for dating, but dating is about seeing if a person is right for you in marriage and you really don't want to be with someone like this is in marriage. You say that she is your first girlfriend so maybe dating other women will help you understand later on down the road that this girl was bad for you. I dated my first boyfriend for almost three years and he would frequently ask to take breaks. And I would cry and get all upset and depressed over it. He was my first love so I guess I didn't know any better and I just thought that's what love and relationships consisted of. Now I'm with a much, much better guy and I know better. You will find another girl.

[bsc23]

Hi guys,

one month later, and the drama continues on...would anyone want to know what happened?

[and1grad]

would anyone want to know what happened?
Duh! :D

[beeblebrox]

I agree that the taking breaks is b.s. You said that this is the first relationship for you both which isn't always the one that results in marriage. You haven't experienced other types of dating scenarios as well as her. I sense a fear of being alone and having invested so much into the relationship which she definitely wants out of. It sounds like taking breaks are her way of saying that she wants to experience other things or relationships. It sounds like she's itching for a wild child period where she does some stupid stuff and then grounds herself again in a relationship. I wouldn't handle the breaks well at all especially if they've been as frequent as you say. I say take the risk to be alone and find some who wants a strong committment and no monetary goals for you only. That's weird to me. How much does she make?? It sounds a little co-dependent and gold diggery.

[bsc23]

I agree that the taking breaks is b.s. You said that this is the first relationship for you both which isn't always the one that results in marriage. You haven't experienced other types of dating scenarios as well as her. I sense a fear of being alone and having invested so much into the relationship which she definitely wants out of. It sounds like taking breaks are her way of saying that she wants to experience other things or relationships. It sounds like she's itching for a wild child period where she does some stupid stuff and then grounds herself again in a relationship. I wouldn't handle the breaks well at all especially if they've been as frequent as you say. I say take the risk to be alone and find some who wants a strong committment and no monetary goals for you only. That's weird to me. How much does she make?? It sounds a little co-dependent and gold diggery.


She makes like $75k whilst I make only $50k, kinda embarrassing on my part.

[wordsmith]

Dude, she's got a salary requirement for potential partners. Enough said. Get out of this trainwreck. Particularly since the drama's evidently continuing.

[meatwad]

She makes like $75k whilst I make only $50k, kinda embarrassing on my part.

So together you're making $125,000! What's the problem? Just get away from this girl before you get your man card revoked.

[bsc23]

Duh! :D

Alright so from since last time we spoke a lot has arisen. Basically I had my birthday last month and it was by far the worst birthday ever. A few days before she said she wanted a break, but then a day before my birthday she says she wants to break up indefinitely. I'm heart broken but this is what she wants to do because she has now other priorities in life. She is studying for her GMAT to go to a good business school so she says she'll be leaving New York and it would be hard to sustain a long distance relationship. Also another reason she's breaking up with me is that I'm too emotional for her. She is somewhat of a sociopath now that I think of it. She can't understand why I'm so sure she's the one, whereas she has no intentions of thinking about getting married now. It's not like I'm pressuring her, I mean I'm a guy, it is in my mind, but I don't hound her about it. So that tells me she wants to see other people, but she admits to me she doesn't, she may not want to get married ever.

So during the weeks in April we still continue to see each other, she gives me mixed signals, and I fall for it. I even went as far as rescuing her in the middle of the night because she was stranded and extremely sick. She admitted to me that she wants to know how it is to feel single, and independent, not relying on anyone for help.

So then the week of her GMAT comes, this was last week. Her still pulling the I want to break up mode on me, I get mad and tell her off a week before her GMAT , saying it wasn't fair for what she was doing, I mean why now after 6 years right? Then she asks that I don't speak to her for a week. Her GMAt was this past Tuesday, she did miserably so that does not help her dreams of going to business school, I comfort her but then she sat me down and we talked for four hours by the waterside where she lives and gave me the break up speech. She opened it up as, she doesn't want to marry me and doesn't want me to get hurt. She wants this more than anything so I tell her, alright we can't be friends anymore. (We were best friends in college 7 years ago) and basically we've been each others' best friends while we were going out. She started to cry like she lost someone in the family, I felt so bad for her that I gave in and told her I'd be her friend but it wouldn't be fair for her because all I'd think of is trying to get back together. She said this is probably the hardest breakup in the history of the world because she says I'm a great guy and no one should be doing this to me. After a lot of tears exchanged I left her apartment, not feeling depressed this time, but just tired of everything. I am depressed now yes, but I guess I cried all my tears out. We are meeting up this weekend to celebrate my aunt's birthday so I'm not sure how that'll work out. Anyway...

I don't want to find anyone else, I feel like I already found the one for me...so is it so bad of me to wait for her to come around if at all? If I do happen to date other people, I don't believe it will be fair for the new girl because all I'd do is compare her to the one I've lost. I mean I can get over her with time, but my desire would still to be with her one day. I dunno, I'm an optimist....I know all of you think she's bad for me but after all these years love is something you can't break, and I believe in that so much that I don't think I'll ever fall in love with someone else.

Feel free to ridicule.:cry:

[wordsmith]

I'm not going to ridicule you, sometimes (most times) when you're in the middle of it, it's hard to see how badly you're getting jerked around.

Some observations:

Read this:
She is somewhat of a sociopath now that I think of it.

and this:
I don't want to find anyone else, I feel like I already found the one for me.

and tell me how it is that you are managing to reconcile the two without being an utter miserable masochist.

[meatwad]

Dude, she is NO GOOD FOR YOU. This girl has seriously messed you up. You need to see a therapist and work on all of this so you can move on with your life and be happy again. Setup an appointment to see a professional today. Like, literally today. Get the phone book and start dialing.

[and1grad]

I'm not gonna ridicule but I will say this much. The aunt's b-day thing? OUT! You cant break up with someone and hang out. Just...no. I also dont think waiting for her to come around will work. Havent you been waiting for her to "come around" for years now?

[beeblebrox]

she definitely wants her cake and eat it too. she sounds like bad news to me. I think that you really need lots of time away from her to sort yourself out. I don't think that she's going to come around. It'll suck for awhile, but things will get better for you.

[Quench]

Please do not continue to hang out with her.

[Chameleon]

Is it wierd that I'm relieved that she finally broke it off for good?

Take some time for yourself, bsc23, limit contact with her, stop trying to be her knight in shining armor. She can't be the right one for you if she doesn't want to be with you, that's like rule #1. She has to want you too. Let her go, take some time to lick your wounds and enjoy the single life for a bit.

[bsc23]

It's so easy to say to move on than actually do it. Been on a drinking binge every night instead of dinner, it helps a bit

[Chameleon]

It's so easy to say to move on than actually do it. Been on a drinking binge every night instead of dinner, it helps a bit
No, death by alcohol poisoning is not the way to go... Neither is sleeping with strange women or russian roulette... Please don't do anything that will make things worse like getting arrested for public intoxication or drunk driving.

It hurts, bsc23, but you don't have to hurt yourself. Do you have any friends you can hang with right now? A journal you can write in? A rooftop you can yell obscenities at the world from? A place to exercise to the point of exhaustion? A punching bag to hit? An inexpensive piece of furniture you can destroy with a baseball bat?

Your feelings need release not suppression, let it out, man, let it out.

[Starsailor]

It's more like a break for her to find herself and make sure I'm right for her and vice versa. She is right now studying for GMAT and needs her space which is also why I oblige. She doesn't know what's out there in terms of other guys. She was never really interested until only recently which bothers me. She always asks herself how would it be with another person since I am her first bf and she is my first.

It does sound doomed at first but for 6 years we really established something, I'd liket to think. We always knew if it were time to get married it would be with each other, but she always asks me "How are you so sure?" and for that question, "you just know."

However whenever she goes on this break, I just feel so betrayed in every aspect.

And a break consists of:

Not seeing each other until the break ends. Could have lunch or a dinner once every few weeks. No talking on the phone or anything. These rules are all enforced by her which pains me because, what if she saw someone else? I dunno I'm rambling...
So, when you say "break," do you mean you're just taking a break from spending time together because, for example, she's really busy studying or you literally break up at these times and just keep getting back together when she's ready? The former is reasonable. The latter wouldn't be ok with me either and to be honest I think it's pretty immature. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is constantly wondering about what else is out there and if they want to be with me. It's not easy, but if I were you I'd say she has to decide what she wants and until then, or if she can't, move on.

[meatwad]

It's so easy to say to move on than actually do it. Been on a drinking binge every night instead of dinner, it helps a bit

Did you call that therapist like I asked you to?

[bsc23]

nah!!

[meatwad]

Then do what you want and quit bitching about it. I don't know you, but the way you've been explaining things, you have a ton of issues, you don't want to deal with the problem properly/haven't taken much of the advice you've been offered, you don't want to get professional help and move on. So what do you want?

[bsc23]

Thanks. Good luck with life then.

[meatwad]

Thanks. Good luck with life then.

It's not about luck. Word's was right. You're a masochist. You need people to put you down and tell you what a f***up you are for whatever reason. Why else would you be on here asking people to ridicule you. None of us even know you! And now the one person who has been around you feeding your weird need doesn't want to be there anymore. Maybe you're the one who has the problem. So why not check with a professional and see if you can't fix your problems for real.

[CTGirl]

It's not about luck. Word's was right. You're a masochist. You need people to put you down and tell you what a f***up you are for whatever reason. Why else would you be on here asking people to ridicule you. None of us even know you! And now the one person who has been around you feeding your weird need doesn't want to be there anymore. Maybe you're the one who has the problem. So why not check with a professional and see if you can't fix your problems for real.


Agreed.

And also, if you are being legit and not just trolling, I gotta say that this sort of behavior is in no way going to get you anything that you want with regard to dating. Acting pathetic is not gonna get your crazy psychopath back, nor will it score you a new woman either.

We've all had bad relationships and heart-wrenching breakups. You deal and move on to better things.

[nikorock28]

There is no point in waiting for her to love you. She never will. She will never love you. It is as simple as that. Get yourself together man and move on with your life. And protect your heart next time.

[hoodie]

As someone who, in the past, has been prone to a post-breakup bender, I just want to say be careful. If your drinking "dinner" lasts much longer than a week, you should do as meatwad says and consider getting some help. I already find it slightly concerning that you're drinking in place of eating. To each their own I suppose, my style was just to go out, drink, and party nightly after a breakup. Also keep in mind I was a twenty year old college student last time I employed that tactic.

I'm not trying to waffle back and forth here so let me break it down plain and simple.
-After 6 years, you break up and it's bound to hurt. We'll try to help you here pending you don't shoot down or completely ignore our well-intended advice.
-Drinking isn't much of a solution except a short-term one. It's not going to do anything about this pain except temporarily numb it. After a point you are going to have to deal with it.
-Please, for your own sake, cut this woman out of your life no matter how much she cries. SHE dumped YOU remember? She should be prepared for consequences.