family

[ala901]

i have a situation with my family. mainly sister, mom, and dad- tend to have this mentality that if I don't live in their area or reasonably close, they kind of put me outside of the inner circle clique they have. they do it very gradually and indirectly, but in the end it really hurts my feelings sometimes.
I am a really independent person and i like to be somewhat adventurous, so i have made life choices over the yrs that involved me moving away from them. i have moved away, and then came back and then away again, but for most of those yrs i have lived only 1 1/2 hrs away and they give me grief about it.
now i live about 3 1/2-4hrs away, and my sister has not come to visit me once in 9 months and does not have any plans to. my parents are not as bad, they at least have come to visit me a couple times.

the bottom line is, i have tried all different strategies over the yrs and nothing works, i think the only way i could get back in their good graces is to move back to the area they all live. but part of me thinks from past experience when i did live with them when I was younger, i don't think that would majically fix things.

i always seem to be the one initiating plans to get together with my sister, i get the feeling that her thoughts are all or nothing, i either live right near and be a part of her life, or live not so close and be held at arms length if not mostly ignored.

Frustrating....

does anyone have personal experience with this type of thing? if so, i would love to hear.

[Chameleon]

I had the opposite problem - I like to have a little distance from my family. My older brother and I both found jobs in the same city and I lived with him at my parents request for a year. When the lease was up, we moved as far away from each other as we physically could (our jobs were on opposite sides of town so it really made no sense to live together). I'm kinda the black sheep of the family so I like the space to do my own thing without my brother reporting my every activity back to my parents.

My parents used to live half a world away and when they decided to move to the US, I was afraid that they'd move to a city that was a 3 hour drive away and I'd be guilted into coming to see them every other weekend. They live a 3 hour flight away right now; at this moment in time, I wouldn't mind if they lived closer because I'm better at brushing off guilt-trips and can enjoy their company.

Will you be happy in your hometown? Job-wise, relationship-wise, friend-wise? I personally don't think you should give into that kind of emotional blackmail. Do what you think is best for you and if that means living 4 hours away, your family (especially your sister) should be able to act like mature adults about it. If it means moving back home to be closer to them, then do so, but as you pointed out, your family might find something else to get uppity about and still exclude you.

[Irish79]

Well, I live across the country from my family, so yeah, I do feel out of the loop and out of the circle now... but we still talk to each other every week or two, it's just that we don't share all of the details of our lives like we did when we all lived near each other - I think it's just a natural transition that happens also as we become more independent adults... sorry if that didn't help you much, but I have felt how you are feeling.

[winneythepooh7]

I understand. I live about 2 1/2 hours south of my parents. They come visit a few times a year, but my younger sister has yet to come visit me here and it annoys me. I don't get it either, because I live a few blocks from the beach. And an hour from NYC.

[wordsmith]

I've lived eight hours from family, two hours from family, and, currently, six miles from my parents and one sibling, and about a half hour from another. So I've run the whole gamut of being out of the loop, being within easy reach, etc.

I'd urge you to look at this situation from both sides, that being the case. I have a brother who moved several hours from home for school, and in the ten years since then, has never really been back (ironically, he attended college closer than any of the rest of us kids, and is the one who has looked back the least since leaving...the rest of us went much further away to school, and all have maintained closer ties to home). I know his and his wife's "being out of the loop" is an issue for him, but I also know that his refusal to spend time coming to HIS family, as well, is an issue for my family. There MUST be a give and take. There is a trend, lately, where he expects all of his family who lives on the homefront area, more or less (that'd be our parents, me, my sister, our other brother, and his wife), to come to his place for all special events, rather than he and his wife ever come to where everyone else is. It's not right, when distance is a factor, it MUST be a shared responsibility. He just comes off as acting like it's super important to him that his family make the effort to come to him, but he shouldn't be expected to also make a good show of faith and show his family it's important to him, as well, by being the one to make the haul, a portion of the time. You don't mention going to see your family, just that they won't come see you.

[ala901]

i guess i did not mention my going to visit my family b/c that is not part of the problem. I have always done the visiting. and they expect me to visit them more, and I have always done that. I always go to visit them b/c I know they will come and visit me rarely. if i did not visit, i would rarely see them. probably for every 10 times i visit my sister she visits me once. my parents make a bit more effort than my sister, but not by much.
i agree that it should be effort going both ways, and that is what my issue is, they don't make the effort.
the bottom line with all of them is, they resent me b/c i left their area, and you would think over the yrs they would just make peace with it, but they don't. or that they would be more mature about it, espec my sister.
it has been practically 7yrs since i lived in their area, and I still have to deal with the resentments, dig remarks, and the way they keep me at arms length by not calling often, not keeping me in the loop, or when we do talk on the phone being distant. It is like my sister is punishing me for moving away, her punishment is that she rarely comes to visit and in the past 9 months has not come to visit at all.
I feel that I am being mature about this, she has not come to see me in 9 months, and i have visited her several times, i call her, i bought web cams to talk to her and my niece online, i invited her niece out here to stay for a week. I rather work on the long distance than just give up and have an all-or-nothing attitude and say forget it.
I have lived a 1 1/2 from them and 3-4 hrs from them at different pts over the past 7yrs, and neither works, my family still always expects me to just visit them. I also know my sister has an attitude about it b/c my cousin that we were very close to growing up moved 12hrs away (by car) and my sister once said- 'you move that far away, and you are basically dead to me'. she was somewhat joking, but i don't think she really is.

[ala901]

I understand. I live about 2 1/2 hours south of my parents. They come visit a few times a year, but my younger sister has yet to come visit me here and it annoys me. I don't get it either, because I live a few blocks from the beach. And an hour from NYC.


maybe it is a younger sister thing, b/c my sister is younger also. perhaps it is a maturity thing, or just a brat thing. i really think my sister's attitude about it is immature. she shouldn't be punishing me and getting mad at me b/c i can't come to visit her as much as she would like.
the past couple of times i called she has not called me back and when we do talk she is real short and distant and wanted to get off the phone. I am thinking wouldn't you rather talk on the phone and just be happy to talk to each other than act like that. I just don't understand.

[winneythepooh7]

maybe it is a younger sister thing, b/c my sister is younger also. perhaps it is a maturity thing, or just a brat thing. i really think my sister's attitude about it is immature. she shouldn't be punishing me and getting mad at me b/c i can't come to visit her as much as she would like.
the past couple of times i called she has not called me back and when we do talk she is real short and distant and wanted to get off the phone. I am thinking wouldn't you rather talk on the phone and just be happy to talk to each other than act like that. I just don't understand.

I think that has a major thing to do with it. Not to mention the fact that we are 7 years apart in age, and complete opposites. She is also in a completely different mind-set right now then I am in terms of work, relationships, long and short-term goals, etc.

[pisces2473]

I think that has a major thing to do with it. Not to mention the fact that we are 7 years apart in age, and complete opposites. She is also in a completely different mind-set right now then I am in terms of work, relationships, long and short-term goals, etc.
Winney, my FI and his brother are 10 yrs apart, and FI gets really upset when his brother doesn't call, reply to emails, etc. I have to constantly remind FI that the brother is only 20 yrs old, in college, and is "too cool" for us. He gets really hurt by his brother's actions, but I know it's only temporary...at least I hope.

[WorkInProgress]

If you've already answered this, and I missed it, I apologize...

...but have you officially invited the fam to come and visit? (If so, was it more of a "well, you're always welcome!" kind of a thing? Maybe a, "so I was thinking that it might be fun for you to come see my place, and maybe visit around town, etc., would you like to start looking at calendars to see when would be a good time?" kind of question would be better.)

And some people just don't go visiting much. I don't understand it, but there are people like that. Are you sure that they are slighting you and that something else isn't the reason?