Boyfriend being a jerk? Am I overreacting?

[LearnedHand]

This is really getting to me. My boyfriend of 6 years often comes home with food from fast food or other places after work. So, we get home at around the same time, but he has food and I have to rummage around the fridge/freezer for stuff. I just feel that, if it was me, I'd call him if I knew that I'd be getting food at the end of the day (we both have cell phones). It's happened about 3 times this past week, and I said something every time. He just keeps saying "well, if you want something, you have your own car now, so you can go get it yourself." This sounds mean to me! The few times I've been in the cafe or Mcdonald's, etc, after work, I'd call him so that we could eat together. It feels like the nice thing to do, you know? Not making the other person fend for themselves. Ugh. Am I overreacting? Oh, and $ is not the issue - he has a lot of it!

[ScottyTheBody]

This is really getting to me. My boyfriend of 6 years often comes home with food from fast food or other places after work. So, we get home at around the same time, but he has food and I have to rummage around the fridge/freezer for stuff. I just feel that, if it was me, I'd call him if I knew that I'd be getting food at the end of the day (we both have cell phones). It's happened about 3 times this past week, and I said something every time. He just keeps saying "well, if you want something, you have your own car now, so you can go get it yourself." This sounds mean to me! The few times I've been in the cafe or Mcdonald's, etc, after work, I'd call him so that we could eat together. It feels like the nice thing to do, you know? Not making the other person fend for themselves. Ugh. Am I overreacting? Oh, and $ is not the issue - he has a lot of it!

Did you tell him that you like eating with him and that when he goes out and doesn't call you, you can't eat with him (or whatever)? I'd just say, in a nice tone, if you're going to pick something up to eat, call me.

$ is may not be the issue, but even if he has a lot of it, you really shouldn't be EXPECTING him to pay for it (at least I wouldn't like it if my girlfriend assumed my money was also hers, when her money is clearly not mine, though to be honest, I'd probably just pay for all the food anyways). I could be misreading this though and I don't know how you two handle money in your relationship.

[wordsmith]

So he's bringing home food routinely and eating it in front of you? Yeah, I feel like that's not the most considerate thing. I tend to not eat in front of other people without offering them something.

[meatwad]

Guy sounds like a toolshed.

[Winter Storm]

That is seriously inconsiderate. I can't think of one time when I was in a serious relationship or even casually dating where dude came over my house or I was over his and one of us had a meal and the other had to fend for themself. WTF!

I'd tell him how it makes you feel and see what solution he comes up with.

[Krishna]

Guy sounds like a toolshed.


That was about 10x more polite than what I was gonna say.

[ScottyTheBody]

I'd tell him how it makes you feel and see what solution he comes up with.

I strongly suggest you do this.

[AshleyJordan]

yeah, say something, that sounds pretty inconsiderate to me, frankly.

[winneythepooh7]

I'm going to be blunt and say I think it's really fucked up. My fiance always checks in with me (and vice versa) to find out if I want any take out. (We usually prepare our meals and eat at home though). He will call me if he is going to be late so I don't have to wait to eat with him. I will make enough food so he has something, or tell him to pick something up if I don't feel like cooking. He does the same for me if he is home early for some reason.

[Chameleon]

Another vote for inconsiderate. Is there something that happened in the last week or so that he's chosing not to address directly? Does this happen often? A sudden unset of meanness 6 years in sounds like serious passive aggressive behavior.

[ala901]

yeah, i don't think you are overreacting at all. if it were me, and it was new behavior out of nowhere i would try to think of what the issue was. there is usually an underlying cause and that is just the superficial symptom.
if he is normally nice to you and considerate, flat out ask him are you mad about something lately? you may have to pull it out of him, but get answers.

my boyfriend is usually really nice and considerate about things, and if he goes through a phase of being mean, we talk and out, and usually it is linked to an issue he is having personally or something he is mad about between us.

either way, talking it out and resolving it is the best bet.

[Ciderhillnh]

While its nice to be considered and asked if you want him to bring home dinner for you......maybe he thinks you're too dependent on it and wants you to take care of your own dinner on your own.

When I live with a roommate, I dont expect them to call me if they are getting take out......sure its nice if they ask, but its not expected, I apply the same rule to a boyfriend, live in or not.

I could care less if someone eats in front of me. If they bring take out and Im hungry, Ill fix something.

As for fixing another person something, I typically cook more than I can eat, so if someone comes over and they're hungry, well have at it.

As for if I think someone is coming over but Im hungry and dont want to wait, Ill cook, if they arrive when the food is still hot great, if not, well its in tupperwear in the fridge, help yourself.

If you dont like it, mention that you wish he would ask you, but if he reacts in a poor way to you, its probably just because he didnt realize he needed to call you EVERY time he gets take out.

Or if you really want, get take out that he really likes and dont ask him if he wants any....if he gets upset just tell him well you stopped asking me if I wanted any take out when you got some, so figured why ask if you wanted any when I got take out.

[wordsmith]

Or if you really want, get take out that he really likes and dont ask him if he wants any....if he gets upset just tell him well you stopped asking me if I wanted any take out when you got some, so figured why ask if you wanted any when I got take out.

This doesn't seem like the most mature approach.

[Krishna]

This doesn't seem like the most mature approach.

Was that unexpected?



OP: That is not the way to go about it.

[LearnedHand]

It's not really new behavior, it just happened more than usual in the past week or so. He did call me once after I said something the night before, but I wasn't near my cell phone (I was working), so he didn't get me anything.

His reasoning is 1. that if I want something I can get it myself and 2. that I hardly ever pick stuff up on my way home, so why should he go out of his way to get stuff for me if I rarely get stuff for him/us? I dunno, it feels childish to me. And mean!

Once again, $ is really not the issue here.

I guess that I will just drop the whole subject. But you know what? I am sooo tempted to get a delicious spread from Whole Foods, come home, and eat it in front of him. And I told him so! HA! I can see it now...huge platters of stuff on the table...me throwing chicken bones over my shoulder, the bunny rabbit on the table, nibbling away at his own vegetable plate, and my bf getting...well, nothing. Eeevil. Love it.

[LearnedHand]

I really think I'm gonna do this, just to make a point. If I do, I will take pics and post a link here. Should be funny.

[Kitty]

Completely inconsiderate. I live with my boyfriend and whenever I plan to stop and pick-up food I always call him and ask what he wants, or just get him something I think he'll like. The only time I don't do this is if it's way past lunch or dinner and I assume he's already eaten.

[shimma]

I'm going to be blunt and say I think it's really fucked up. My fiance always checks in with me (and vice versa) to find out if I want any take out. (We usually prepare our meals and eat at home though). He will call me if he is going to be late so I don't have to wait to eat with him. I will make enough food so he has something, or tell him to pick something up if I don't feel like cooking. He does the same for me if he is home early for some reason.
Cosign. That's really inconsiderate of him. We'll either pick up or cook enough food for two without even asking the other... part of being part of a couple.