Banishing ghosts

[Green]

Does anybody have any advice for making sure you don't let baggage from relationships you've had in the past mess up new things? Its hard to battle the subconscious sometimes.

[GoogleGirl]

I think the biggest thing is to give yourself time between relationships in order to heal properly. I know I've jumped into some bad bad situations after my last relationship went way down the shithole. I was practically engaged to this guy and he dumped me b/c partying/drinking/being a total douche bag was more important than our 3+ yr. long relationship. I put myself into some really stupid situations after I got dumped, and then I realized that if I let myself be alone for a little while and just take care of me, I could let my fucked up view of relationships/love become more positive and healthy. I allowed myself to heal for a while, and I am now in a much better relationship. That is the best advice I can give.

[workaholic?]

i've had a lot of bad relationships in the past, so i came with a lot of baggage when i met my fiancee. it took me a while to get past the issues i had. let's see...i had the boyfriend who called me from jail a week after i broke up with him (we were 800 miles apart) to yell at me and tell me that it was my fault he was arrested and i was a horrible person. then i had the boyfriend who tried to choke me...literally. then i had the boyfriend who after 6 years of off and on dating and a strong friendship, cheated on me and had his entire family lying to me. after all that, i went a little crazy and lost a sense of who i am, did a lot of terrible things for which i slowly came to hate myself and eventually did even attempt the unthinkable.

the only way for me to get past all those things...the issues i had trusting other people and trusting and loving myself was to be honest about them with him. granted, i didn't do this on the first date...but i did let him know that i was scared and that i had a lot of baggage to let go of. i told him i would need some time to let myself get to that place again...and he gave it to me, and he managed to demonstrate each and every day that i had every reason to trust him...that he would treat me like a princess, be there when i need him, and love me like no one else ever has.

but i don't think i could have ever gotten over the past had i not been honest with him about what i'd been through. he didn't need to know all the gory details (some things like the choking thing, he got the details because i now can't stand someone touching the front of my neck, so if he were massaging my shoulders and neck for me and came too close to my throat, i'd freak out)...but mostly i just needed him to know that i'd been hurt by others and by myself, and as a result he taught me how to trust again and made me realize all those others were just assholes who gave me the ability to appreciate a good man when i found one.