Would you move?

[vinsanity]

Let's say you had transferred from an out-of-state university last December and moved back to your home area and transferred to a local university. In addition, you also landed a decent job that suits your desired career path. The office environment is pleasant, and you are exposed to a lot of opportunity to progress within the company.

Now let's say that four months later, your bf from out-of-state bought two houses (one to live in and one to fix up and sell) and wants you to pack up and move to some other state. He also wants to get married by the end of the summer (at which point your relationship will be going on 2 years). It's much cheaper to live there (cheap enough so that someone out of college can buy two houses), and you enjoyed your time there during your last visit, but the problem is that finding a job there is proving to be an increasingly difficult challenge, and after a month of inquiring, you still aren't 100% certain that your upper-level major classes will transfer over to the new university (this would be the third one for anyone keeping track). Most importantly, you're unsure as to whether you want to be married that soon (at 24 years old).

Would you move again?

This girl I know at work is going through that exact situation. In spite of the school/work nitpick, she's still planning to make the move in about 4 weeks. Some of you may be able to tell that I don't think this is a good idea. I want to tell her my concerns, but it was recently discovered that I harbored some feelings for her that she didn't share mutually, so I feel that I can't really address this to her without that cloud looming over my head. I'm probably better off keeping quiet and minding my own business, but I'd feel horrible if somehow I found out that the move didn't work out for her, and she ends up miserable in potato land.

So...any thoughts on this situation?
Would you move again after 4 months?
Should I voice my thoughts, or STFU?

thanks for reading :)

[Chameleon]

It's her life and I hope her relationship isn't as one-sided as you've made it sound. It does sound like her plans and goals aren't being taken into consideration but unless she's coming to you asking if she should stay or not, I don't think it's really your place to say "Good luck with that uber-controlling boyfriend of yours". Does she want to get married at the end of the summer? It doesn't sound like something the boyfriend can force her into, if it's happening, it's probably because she's fine with it happening at the end of the summer. If she wanted to stay where she is right now, she would.

[steve sperd]

My sister is planning to move from NY to Arizona to be with her bf there who I don't like, and she doesn't have a job or anything there, but it's her life and I'm not going to lose sleep over it. People sometimes just get excited about a major change I think, I admit I wish I could up and move myself because sometimes I get bored.

[winneythepooh7]

It sounds like something she needs to figure out for herself.

[vinsanity]

It's her life and I hope her relationship isn't as one-sided as you've made it sound. It does sound like her plans and goals aren't being taken into consideration but unless she's coming to you asking if she should stay or not, I don't think it's really your place to say "Good luck with that uber-controlling boyfriend of yours". Does she want to get married at the end of the summer? It doesn't sound like something the boyfriend can force her into, if it's happening, it's probably because she's fine with it happening at the end of the summer. If she wanted to stay where she is right now, she would.

I guess I just needed to get whatever resentment I had out of me when I wrote the OP. I realize that the decisions are hers to make, but I'm not sure if she's making the decisions for herself. She's expressed doubts over getting married, but blows it off as normal worries (which I guess is fine). She's sticking to her guns, but like Steve said, maybe she's just caught up in the excitement. When I moved out-of-state when I was 14, it sucked ass for the first two years almost.

I won't be losing any sleep if her plans don't work out, but I'd feel bad if there was something I could've said that she honestly needed to reflect on.
But I guess it's safe to say that she's thought about this enough, and probably doesn't need to hear my ramblings. Who knows.

[Chameleon]

You could always just ask questions like "Is that what you really want?" and "Have you talked to him about how you really feel?" but any statement about how strange the situation is is likely to make her very defensive and feel like she has to cling harder to her relationship to prove to you that she's not making a mistake even if you are right.

If you aren't sure you can be an unbiased friend to her because of your past feelings, you might want to step away from the situation and save yourself some aggravation. People generally keep doing what they are doing until they are truely sick and tired of continuing in the same path; they hear what they want to hear until they are ready to sort through all that stuff themselves.

[inmediasres]

Having been in a similar situation that I initiated, I can say that at 24, you're too young to sacrifice the good life you have to move to another city to preserve a relationship that in all likelihood will end at some point anyway.

[SmilesSoSweet]

Having been in a similar situation that I initiated, I can say that at 24, you're too young to sacrifice the good life you have to move to another city to preserve a relationship that in all likelihood will end at some point anyway.

This may be true, but really the girl that is going to move to be with her BF has to basically figure this out for herself.

[sparky88]

A 24 year old adult woman can make her own decisions about marriage, living location, career etc. If she moves then in her mind the benefits outweigh the risks. Unless you are inside her head you will not know what she truly values in her life and what her hopes/dreams are. Whether the move makes her happy or unhappy is not your concern, either way she will grow as a person by making that decision on her own. It's her responsibility to make wise choices for herself and live with the consequences, whatever they may be.

[vinsanity]

People generally keep doing what they are doing until they are truely sick and tired of continuing in the same path; they hear what they want to hear until they are ready to sort through all that stuff themselves.

That's what I was afraid of :torn:

[vinsanity]

And as unpleasant as it sounds, if I were said girl and a guy friend of mine who had unrequited feelings for me brought up these kinds of concerns (regardless of their validity), I'd have a hard time not regarding his concerns it as suspect.


Not unpleasant at all. I kind of figured that's how it would be.

[vinsanity]

A 24 year old adult woman can make her own decisions about marriage, living location, career etc. If she moves then in her mind the benefits outweigh the risks. Unless you are inside her head you will not know what she truly values in her life and what her hopes/dreams are. Whether the move makes her happy or unhappy is not your concern, either way she will grow as a person by making that decision on her own. It's her responsibility to make wise choices for herself and live with the consequences, whatever they may be.

Logic dictates that as 100% true, but being the pushover I am, God help me because I hate to see her unhappy

[inmediasres]

The odds are that she is making a huge mistake...but sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn. Maybe this will be a wisdom-granting experience for her.

[vinsanity]

The odds are that she is making a huge mistake...but sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn. Maybe this will be a wisdom-granting experience for her.

when you were in a similar situation, would you at the time have appreciated being given advice similar to that discussed in this thread?

[inmediasres]

Well see, at the time, I was the one initiating the move...I already KNEW I was going, and wanted her to go with me.

At the time, sure I would have listened to the advice. I likely would not have followed it.

Hindsight is 20/20.

[vinsanity]

Well see, at the time, I was the one initiating the move...I already KNEW I was going, and wanted her to go with me.

At the time, sure I would have listened to the advice. I likely would not have followed it.

Hindsight is 20/20.

So true.

If you don't mind me asking, how did your plan pan out? did your (ex?)girlfriend end up being miserable when she moved?

I realize that there's probably nothing I can (should) do about my friend moving away, but I'm just wondering

[inmediasres]

She didn't end up moving. I did. It all worked out for the best, but for the fact that we are no longer speaking, at her insistence.

My feeling is that if two people are in their 20s and have different plans or trajectories, those plans should be pursued. In my case, I wanted to move and get a different experience and continue my education...essentially, be 3000 miles from home and use that as a maturing experience...which it has been.

In her case, she was deeply reluctant to leave her family and to venture out into uncharted territory, and though I didn't understand that then, I do now.

Ultimately, each person chooses his or her path and the level of risk that can be tolerated. I can tolerate a high amount of risk. If you don't risk much, you don't gain much. I have gained an enormous amount, professionally, intellectually, socially, etc. by moving and taking that risk.

She has taken a safer path and thus the rate of growth and change has been a bit more slow and steady for her.

There is nothing wrong with our decisions. I just wish I had handled everything in a more mature and independent manner.

Feel free to PM if you want to talk about this more.

[vinsanity]

wow, thanks for the insight! I appreciate you sharing your perspective.

I actually have some updates, but it's not helping me stick with the smarter decision...

it appears that she kind of sees this as somewhat of a temporary thing; her heart belongs here in Southern CA, but is making the move to "try new things".

to be honest, I don't even know why I care so much. I'll seriously be better off when she's gone so I don't have anyone's business to butt into. but in the meanwhile, I have to deal with my ridiculously dumb desire for closure in our "relationship". what the hell. :torn: