an existential crisis

[CityGal]

For as far back as I can remember, my whole reason for being was already planned out for me. Although I did not have a concrete map, I had some sense of direction on how to be the “being” I was supposed to be. About a year or two ago, things changed. I became stunted in life. The basic layout I conjured up was gone. I did not know where to move to next. I was basically at a standstill. Nothing happened to me and I didn’t make anything happen. I was just there—waiting for whatever came next.
Finally, a few months ago something drastic happened, so I decided to take action and proceed with the original plan. I succeeded for the moment. Until about a few weeks ago, it seemed like everything was going as “scheduled”. Now I’m facing a little existential crisis. Do I proceed with the plan or throw away the map?

[TinyDancer]

Hmmm. . . I think this is a little too vague for me to even comment. . . But, my thoughts are to go with your gut. There are twists and turns that can take us off our plans. . . and sometimes the place where we'd like to be in the end changes. I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with that.

[GoogleGirl]

I basically had my life mapped out about 2 years ago. I would marry my engineering bf, move to austin once we both graduated, and get a teaching job in TX. Then he dumped me and I had no idea what to do with myself for the longest freaking time. Now...I'm moving to Ohio to be with my lawyer bf (i totally swore I'd never ever date lawyer or doctor types so that one threw me for a loop). Plans change. People change. You either work with change or fight it. I tried fighting it and found myself so miserable. Now I'm like...take whatever happens because we have no idea what lies in our future. I sure as hell never saw myself moving to Ohio of all places or dating a lawyer type. Hope maybe this helps in some way.

[Adam Strange]

CityGal,

Can you give us some more specifics? I don't know what to say other than plans that go as far back as one can remember often need amending.

[winneythepooh7]

I think she is supposed to leave soon to go to school overseas, but has also recently met a guy she likes here. Am I close Citygal?

[wordsmith]

I got really comfortable a long time ago with the fact that you can plan and plan and plan, but life throws you curve balls that you HAVE to deal with, regardless of where they fit in the plan. I'm not much of a hardcore planner, anymore...I have basic guidelines for directions I'd like to move in, but I do allow for things to pop up that can really alter everything, and can usually roll with the punches okay.

[CityGal]

I think she is supposed to leave soon to go to school overseas, but has also recently met a guy she likes here. Am I close Citygal?


Bingo. I know that a lot of things can change before I go and I am all for whatever comes next.

The main reason behind this crisis is that when I left his place on Sunday I felt really out of it. So far, it has been the best Sunday I have had in a very long time. We did absolutely nothing but it felt amazing. I have always been afraid of settling or joining the masses to have an adult life, but that day felt great. I just started thinking that this is what most people look forward to. They work hard during the week and when they come home they just want to share it with their significant other. Oddly enough, during the hours that I was there I felt like I was in another world...as if nothing was happening outside. There was no thinking of work, school, bills or any other kind of drama. I was just in the moment. Without a care of what came next. When it was time for me to go home and I stepped outside the front door, it felt like I was stepping through some world/time portal. I could just feel that change when I stepped out onto the streets.

[Bugsey34]

Hmmm... how long have you known this person, and how organized are your plans to move?

I try not to make long term plans for my life, and am oddly comfortable not doing so. I would think it would freak me out, but honestly, I think "five year plans" and whatever are just silly, especially at this time of life. How do I know I won't meet my future husband tomorrow, or get a great job opp in freaking China or something? I mean who knows what's around the corner? All one can do is short-term plan for the present since you know all the options.

The only issue for you Citygal is moving all kind of plans around for the sake of a relationship... you have to go with your gut on it, but how mad would you be at yourself if 6 months down the road you had lost opportunities because it didn't work out. It's one thing if you're about to get engaged or something, but if you don't know the person extremely well, are you sure you want to make that potential sacrifice?

[winneythepooh7]

I don't think it's wise to change major life plans around for someone you've only dated for a couple months. I was in a similar situation once (although he left the country for a bit) and when he got back and we were together for a few months, we realized the main reason we were so into each other, was simply because of the "romanticness" of it all, had the long-distant thing worked out, and not that we really had a whole lot in common at the time. I also strongly believe in the old saying that if it's meant to be, it will be. But don't sacrifice things you've been planning forever for someone who may or may not work out.

[CityGal]

Hmmm... how long have you known this person, and how organized are your plans to move?

I try not to make long term plans for my life, and am oddly comfortable not doing so. I would think it would freak me out, but honestly, I think "five year plans" and whatever are just silly, especially at this time of life. How do I know I won't meet my future husband tomorrow, or get a great job opp in freaking China or something? I mean who knows what's around the corner? All one can do is short-term plan for the present since you know all the options.

The only issue for you Citygal is moving all kind of plans around for the sake of a relationship... you have to go with your gut on it, but how mad would you be at yourself if 6 months down the road you had lost opportunities because it didn't work out. It's one thing if you're about to get engaged or something, but if you don't know the person extremely well, are you sure you want to make that potential sacrifice?

Well going to grad school and getting my PhD has been my ultimate goal in life. I figured nothing mattered besides that. Once I got my degree, I didn't care what came next. One of the main reasons for having this as a major goal is because I figured it was the only thing in life I could control. The other day I was wondering what if I never reached my goal and would I truly be disappointed...and honestly I don't think I would be that devasted. I don't know maybe it is because I am close to achieving it but I don't know how important it is to me anymore. Sometimes chasing your dreams and making it to the top can be a very lonely road.

[J-girl]

I don't think it's wise to change major life plans around for someone you've only dated for a couple months. I was in a similar situation once (although he left the country for a bit) and when he got back and we were together for a few months, we realized the main reason we were so into each other, was simply because of the "romanticness" of it all, had the long-distant thing worked out, and not that we really had a whole lot in common at the time. I also strongly believe in the old saying that if it's meant to be, it will be. But don't sacrifice things you've been planning forever for someone who may or may not work out.
Thats exactly it... and once you get busy with school and everything you might even not think about this person anymore.

What you are going through IMO is one of the basic dilemmas of QLC. Getting the timing right for school and love etc...

Whatever you decide to do, hopefully it works out for you. Good luck!

[winneythepooh7]

I'm totally happy with my life now, but one of my biggest regrets in life was not going to work abroad when I had the opportunity which was right after I got my Master's. I guess you have to ask yourself if you give up your goal to get your Master's/PhD abroad for this guy, is it worth it? Can you get your education here?

[CityGal]

I'm totally happy with my life now, but one of my biggest regrets in life was not going to work abroad when I had the opportunity which was right after I got my Master's. I guess you have to ask yourself if you give up your goal to get your Master's/PhD abroad for this guy, is it worth it? Can you get your education here?

It is not like I'll be really giving it up for him. He doesn't even know I am battling with this. I figure I can always defer enrollment. I don't know. I've always chased my dream and put my personal life in the back seat. It just seems like if I stayed to see what happens that in a way I will also be living in the moment bc I've never allowed myself to get close to anyone.

[emmyb]

From my experience, having that plan has never panned out. I have ALWAYS been a planner. Since I was a little girl. I thought I had my life figured out and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at 28. I say try to take it a day at a time and see how it goes. No matter what you decided, you will obviously learn from both experiences and take something from them. Good luck!

[redav]

Well going to grad school and getting my PhD has been my ultimate goal in life. I figured nothing mattered besides that. Once I got my degree, I didn't care what came next. One of the main reasons for having this as a major goal is because I figured it was the only thing in life I could control. The other day I was wondering what if I never reached my goal and would I truly be disappointed...and honestly I don't think I would be that devasted. I don't know maybe it is because I am close to achieving it but I don't know how important it is to me anymore. Sometimes chasing your dreams and making it to the top can be a very lonely road.
Having a plan in life is a good thing. However, like how people pursue happiness in the wrong things/places and thus feel empty once they get them/there, I think people generally plan the wrong things.

To say: I will do A, and then B will happen, and then I will do C, and so on will rarely be effective. Rather, it is more effective to plan: When I find myself in situation X, I will do Y, or when faced with a choice between M & N, I will choose M. Such an approach is more effective because it can be based on values and ideals--it allows you to pursue that which is of most value to you no matter the uncertainties life may throw at you. Notice this is different than having goals, which is the intended end-result reached by the continual adherences to your plans. Goals will not be reached if the cause-and-effect nature of your plan is not valid (For example: Goal = be happy & content in life. Plan = work hard to make $$$ and become wealthy. Money does not bring happiness or contentment; therefore the goal will not be reached in its fullness by using that plan.)

So, when evaluating your plan, what really is of greatest worth to you? Is it having the degree, or is the feelings you experienced, or something else? Once you know that, then you need to determine what causes that to happen. (Another example: People often value emotional rewards of a relationships more than a degree. However, they do not know what to do to create those positive emotional rewards. Thus, they may run blindly in a direction that will bring neither.) Once you understand the causes, do those things.

[Bugsey34]

How long have you been seeing this person, CityGal? I can't find the answer anywhere in the thread.

What are your post-PhD plans? Did you have job ideas planned out?

[CityGal]

The master plan was to get the phd before I was 30. I figured anything else after that I would just wing it. So, in reality, I had no real plan besides the degree. Like another poster said, I figured everything would somehow magically work itself out once I got the degree. Meaning, I would get the degree, get the good job, become incredibly wealthy, find a guy or not, have babies....if the guy never came I would've been fine with that and just adopted some kids. The end.

Recently, my plans for after the degree have been formulating or changing. I am now thinking about teaching high school students in my late 40s or early 50s.

Sorry Bugsey almost forgot to reply to your questions. The degree is mostly for me. No real jobs planned up. I figured I would either stick with the current field I am in (which really doesn't require more education) or venture out into advertising/marketing research. An anthropologist really makes shitty money. Unless you work in the ivory towers of academia, you're looking at low wages. Almost all of my professors had second jobs. Anthropology was their passion, but the reality is that they need food and shelter.

[Bugsey34]

What's the update on your situation, City Gal? Make any decisions?

[CityGal]

Bugsey34, these anxiety attacks I’m having are the result of me wanting to control and overanalyze everything. Instead of taking things in a day at a time, I want to take in years. In the end, I stress over the things I cannot control. As a friend of mine told me the other day, in order for me to deal with the future or even get there I need to deal with the things that are right in front of me. Hopefully this time I’ll get the point to just relax and breathe.

For now I’ve decided to just go ahead with getting my masters. After all, everyone is doing it and I don’t want to be left behind. Ha. If I decide to continue with the PhD, it’ll be great. If not, that will also be great. The main purpose now is to not let these things be the means to my happiness.

I still have no post masters/PhD plans, but I am hoping to do some internships to help me figure these things out. I'm hoping not to be too last by the end of next year.

On another note, since I have been stressing this issue, I find it sort of annoying that the people I've spoken to about this are all calm about the matter--mostly in relation to them. While I am overstressing, they are just like whatever. WTF? Is it that us QLCers are just more paranoid/neurotic? Guess that's why now I'm trying to take the "whatever" approach.

[Bugsey34]

So you are still seeing the guy and will just take it day by day until you are going to leave?

[CityGal]

Pretty much. I started seeing two other guys so it won't be too hard to let go of the first one.

Taking it a day at a time is all I can do at the moment. A lot of things are just out of my control.