toxic friends

[lovesoon1207]

How do you know when to give up on a friendship?I have been friends with this girl since college and it seems like right now we are in two different places in our lives.Recently,I have been more annoyed with the friendship than enjoying it.I know that right now she is really stressed out with school.I keep trying to invite her to do things and she says no she's busy with school which I absolutely get.However,she's complained to me how we don't hang out.I've made repeated efforts and she turns me down.What more can I do?She also makes me feel guilty if I don't call her.I can't help it.I get busy with my life too sometimes.I told her to call me and that the phone works both ways.Sometimes I feel like giving up.I don't know how to break off a friendship and I hate for it to come to that.I really feel like she is pushing me away.

[CTGirl]

If someone continually turns me down, I just stop offering. If she's gonna whine about you not hanging out with her enough on top of that, I'd chuck her. Dont need that kind of nonsense.

[lovesoon1207]

I keep trying to do that.I make a joke of how bored I am when I come home from work.I've told her when I'm available.Just to let me know what's good for her.I tell her I'd like to make plans but she says no that she's too stressed which is fine.However,don't put it on me.When I talk to her again,she makes it seem like it's my fault.She says the last time we were going to hang out...you were sick or you were busy.She only sees the effort that she's putting out there.Even though I am trying too.Is a friendship really worth all this agita?I also don't like when people keep tally of who has called whom.I don't do that.She has said to me I called you the last 3 times.Who cares?Call me when you feel like calling.I don't keep score.I just can't stand this behavior.It makes it difficult for me to call her when I feel like she's keeping track.

[lovesoon1207]

I've been slowly distancing myself from her and I think she's picked up on that.She sees that we're not as close as what we used to be.I don't know if at this point I want to be close friends with her.I know she's hurt because we don't talk or see each other as much.I don't know whether I should end the friendship or just keep it casual.I know I'd be hurting her if I let the friendship go because she's experienced a lot of loss in her life recently and I'd hate to add to that pain.However,I also have to do what's healthy for me and this is not healthy for me because I start feeling bad and guilty.So what am I supposed to do?I've talked to her about this kind of stuff before and she still has not changed her behavior.It's sad because I hate to see a friendship end.

[CTGirl]

I've been slowly distancing myself from her and I think she's picked up on that.She sees that we're not as close as what we used to be.I don't know if at this point I want to be close friends with her.I know she's hurt because we don't talk or see each other as much.I don't know whether I should end the friendship or just keep it casual.I know I'd be hurting her if I let the friendship go because she's experienced a lot of loss in her life recently and I'd hate to add to that pain.However,I also have to do what's healthy for me and this is not healthy for me because I start feeling bad and guilty.So what am I supposed to do?I've talked to her about this kind of stuff before and she still has not changed her behavior.It's sad because I hate to see a friendship end.

Why is it that you are the only one responsible for saving this friendship?

[lovesoon1207]

That's a good point.She doesn't think that she's doing anything wrong.She doesn't see it as a problem.She thinks it's me.So I feel responsible.I guess there's not much I can do.I don't know if the friendship is worth salvaging.We fight often about things because we aren't seeing eye to eye anymore.This friendship is full of up and downs.We get along,then we fight...we get along,then we fight.I hate drama.

[CTGirl]

That's a good point.She doesn't think that she's doing anything wrong.She doesn't see it as a problem.She thinks it's me.So I feel responsible.I guess there's not much I can do.I don't know if the friendship is worth salvaging.We fight often about things because we aren't seeing eye to eye anymore.This friendship is full of up and downs.We get along,then we fight...we get along,then we fight.I hate drama.

Yeah, screw that. Tell that drama queen that if she wants you, she can come and get you. Whining is no way to maintain a friendship.

[lovesoon1207]

Yeah I guess I am contributing by distancing myself.I just can't help it.I hate to talk to her because she makes me feel bad by not always being around like I used to.I don't know how else to deal.I tried being aquaintances but I don't think that's working.I guess I'll just have to have another talk with her.I sense another argument coming.

[Chameleon]

Tell her directly, tell her that you've been busy but also that all the guilt-trips she gives when you DO talk to her makes you want to talk with her less especially if all she's going to do is whine about you not being around. She'll either be more watchful of her whining (yay) or leave you alone (yay!).

[blue27]

Yeah I guess I am contributing by distancing myself.I just can't help it.I hate to talk to her because she makes me feel bad by not always being around like I used to.I don't know how else to deal.I tried being aquaintances but I don't think that's working.I guess I'll just have to have another talk with her.I sense another argument coming.


Girl I so know what your going through it is almost like... your damned if you do your damned if you don't, kinda sounds like she going through some personal stuff, and your friendship is baring the burden. She needs to work out some issues, she seems confused, like she wants you around and has all these expectations but won't put up the work, (maybe she can't at the moment). this happened with a friend of mine .. he went through a depression, distanced himself but wanted me to do all the work would never call but then when he wanted me for something I needed to stop everything and be there.. but he wasn't upfront about his feelings and what he needed which left me confused and feeling bad for no reason.

Think you have to be real straight up with her tell her what you have told us, you can even email her..I did in my situation (after I tried to talk to him several times), we didn't speak for a while cause he was a mess and it was making me a mess, and I tried so many times to talk to him..but it may work with her, but for me and that situation, he was never really honest about what was going on.. he did admit he was having alot of issues, and it seems when people go through things and are looking outside to feel better ..they unconsciously put almost insane expectations on others.. but regardless you have to protect your feelings.

so if things don't get better after you have a clear honest talk with her you might just have to let her go, sometimes when people stop talking it is not forever..you guys might not talk for six months, she works through her issues both of you guy's schedule opens up more.. and you guys could be again good friends..but please try not to stress over it, life is short and if she is going to be in your life then it will work out ya know.. I suffered too much iwhen my long term (bestfriend of 14yrs.) started acting strange, unfortunately we still aren't close..that's life.. what can you do..just do your best and hopefully it will be a good outcome:)

[winneythepooh7]

I think stuff like this is pretty common post-college, especially with female friends for some reason. In any event, I'd try maybe one or two times to meet up with her and if she continues what she is doing, I'd stop making an effort. You don't have to "say" you are ending the friendship, just don't try to outreach her anymore. She has your # if she wants to hang.

[Ciderhillnh]

Sometimes, like in any Relationship, one person is going to put in more effort than the other. This typically ebbs and flows, and if your friend is really busy she might not be the one to pick up the phone and call you, you might have to put in that effort because she is focused elsewhere.

Her complaining about hanging out probably doesn’t have to do with your effort in asking her to hang out, most likely its her complaining that you havent hung out because she is so busy with school.

She is probably aware that you have asked her to go out but she has had to say no because of school obligations. Thus she is frustrated by it and complaining.

All I can suggest is ask her when her schedule will be less crazy and she will have some spare time.
Suggest even a cup of coffee or ice cream as a study break on some evening, or grabbing lunch if its possible during the week or on weekends.

Maybe the invites you have given her have been too much of a time commitment and that’s why she couldn’t go. Something small and quick that might last an hour might be easier to fit in her schedule.

Ive been in your situation. I have a friend so busy with work we are Email buddies and havent physically seen one another for 1.5 YEARS, but we're still close.
I have another friend who is finishing up law school, so of course its tough to get in touch with him, but we sporatically Email when he has a moment.
A girlfriend of mine is in grad school, and she and her fiancee work opposing schedules, so she is rarely around, but we make our best efforts.

Its usually my contacting these people, but because I value them and their friendship, I don’t mind, when their lives calm down Im sure they will be getting in touch with me at that point.

So hang in there, if your friendship is as valuable to you as you say, you'll keep putting in the effort until the tides turn again.