What. the. hell?

[Adam Strange]

So I, at considerable expense to myself, took a vacation and went home. My mom has mentally and physically dehabilitating multiple sclerosis, my dad is an alcoholic and my brother is just sort of irresponsible. So I was talking to my dad at the kitchen table, while my mom and one of her attendants were in listening distance and he:
1) after hearing that my ex undergoing a diagnostic procedure after an irregular PAP smear, asks if she’s getting “[expletive] surgery” (one of the things they’re checking for is cancer)
2) says he needs a girlfriend and would like to “get laid” right in front of my mom and a young female attendant
3) out of nowhere, starts blaming me for screwing up his credit score because of trouble paying my students loans, even though I took his advice to the letter as soon as the trouble began

I’m beside myself. I just left the room and said I had stuff to do. I’m more stunned than pissed. I don’t know what to do.

[winneythepooh7]

Oh man. Sorry that you are going through this. Maybe go out for a long walk or a drive? Go see a movie or go hang out somewhere besides home?

[Krishna]

:redface: Ewww. How about a nice long walk followed by a sit in the park? (In college when I got fed up with situations, I found the nearest park and used the swing set...9am, 9pm, midnight, didn't really matter much).

[wordsmith]

Your dad sucks. Are you really sure you want to look back into living back in the area?

[Ciderhillnh]

OKay....here is my take on this.

It sucks that you're hearing your father speak like this, but he is human. He is probably under immense duress due to your mother being ill.

From that stress, he probably doesnt have much of a filter left.

While his comment about your ex is insensitive, it seems like the typical male response from what Ive seen with friends who have had irregular pap smears and have had to go back in for further testing etc.

The comment about needing a GF in front of your mother and caretaker.....well he is probably just being honest. Your mother and he might have had a talk about what would happen if either of them were to ever get really sick.....maybe they didnt.
But Im sure they have talked about wants/needs.

Ive seen it before, and to you hearing it it might seem very heartless, but its honest and just out there. It doesnt make it easy to hear, or right that he is saying it......but it seems the entire situation is stressful.

His comment about the credit score, he is probably upset and its just something he is using to yap at you about because he is upset and stressed.

Try to take most of this stuff with a grain of salt. Im sorry about your tough situation, but you're being there probably helps at least for now.

[wordsmith]

What his dad is doing is indefensible. Not "sort of bad," not "insensitive," not "seemingly" heartless, not "just stress." Indefensible, and, for most, unacceptable.

[Ciderhillnh]

Have you ever been in the situation the OPs father has? Have you ever known anyone who has? Spoken with them about their stress and how their heart aches, and how angry they get, and how it can be displaced and come out at the most random of comments or situations?

As I said it doesnt make it right, but I dont think that his father is being deliberate with the comments to purposely hurt anyone. It seems more as though its anger that he has NO other way to rid himself of and thus it comes out in comments that have no filter.

As much as you post about how things are indefensible, you hav to look at the human content and the situation. Sometimes people say things they dont mean, and especially when under major duress.

Talk to someone who is a nurse who works with these people, and they will tell you about the anger and the stress and what it can create.....this is an example that Ive heard and seen many times.....within my own family, friends families and also speaking with nurses who take care of families in these situations.

OSS its not a matter of logitimizing, its a matter that if I dont state that its MY take people jump down my throat.
Also....I dont tend to look at things as black or white.....I tend to look at them in shades of gray......when someone is stressed, they sometimes say or do things they wouldnt normally say or do......so when someone says something mean, my thoughts dont go to that was mean! It goes to, whats going on with this person to make them act like that......the question of WHY is sometimes more important than anything else.

[wordsmith]

Yep, being angry, upset, stressed, whatever, is fine. Channeling it that way is not. Not even a little bit. Understanding where something is coming from (which, by the way, is as likely to be coming from a substance abuse problem as any garden variety emotional reaction to a sick spouse) is all well and good, but you seem to continually be making the leap that they are justifications, rather than contributing factors, and that's wrong. I don't think anybody posting here is unintelligent enough to not understand the possible roots of such inappropriate outbursts. Still doesn't make them warranted or okay, or support overlooking them.

Justifying somebody's improper actions seems to be something that comes up a lot when you contribute on these types of threads, and I don't think I'm offbase in pointing that out. I don't think it's an appropriate response to the OP or his issue.

[Ciderhillnh]

When faced with a sick spouse, it sometimes doesnt matter what the proper way to vent anger is.....it becomes almost primal, where its mostly the id responding to whatever is placed in front of the person......so there is no filter.

As for why I post what I post in discussions like this, is that sometimes when in a situation, you get angry at the person for their reaction and are unable or unwilling to take a step back and recognize WHY something might be taking place.

I post not to say that the person shouldnt feel as they do, but that here are some reasons why, and sometimes reasons help someone feel better, since then its not just a why did they do that....but oh here might be some reasons why they did that.....and it can be comforting.

Also words....I didnt realize you got to decide what was appropriate or not appropriate to respond to an OP....while you might not find it appropriate, someone else might.

[wordsmith]

Honestly, it simply comes off as if you are continuously devil's advocating for the person causing offense, in all situations, simply for the sake of "presenting the other viewpoint." While I'm sorry for anything the OP's dad is going through, the OP is the one needing the support in this instance, he's the one posting here. If you don't agree, and feel that his father's inappropriate and hurtful actions are more than justified, there isn't much reason to post on the thread, period, because you're not helping anything, and certainly not being supportive of the OP. OSS's post got deleted, but he noted that you tend to unfailingly justify messed up actions, as well. As I already noted, I'm sure that everyone here realizes the particulars of WHY somebody in this situation might act offensively, without it having to be pointed out. They may still realize, correctly, that that is really no excuse, even so.

I've made my point; so as to avoid further throwing the focus off the issue that the OP posted about, and keeping the thread on topic, this will be the last response from me you garner on this thread, and hopefully, others will follow suit and respond to the OP rather than you.

[Adam Strange]

So you're there to visit your mother, correct?

Yeah, but it’s frustrating. She doesn’t know the difference between me and my brother, can’t physically leave the house and doesn’t show a positive response to anything but food anymore. So what’s there to do?

Your dad sucks. Are you really sure you want to look back into living back in the area?

Yeah, I want to live in the Northeast again. Not simply because my family is there but because, culturally, it’s what I’m used to. The job I’m interviewing for would leave me 6 hours away, a comfortable distance.

[Adam Strange]

Thanks for your take on this, Ciderhillnh. You didn’t offend me. I also take into account the enormous duress my dad is under when he says things like that. In fact, I was just quiet and listened for the time I lived here (for better or worse). But it doesn’t excuse them and, quite frankly, I think he needs to start acting more like an adult.

I especially can’t excuse such an insensitive comment about someone I love who’s scared to death about her medical situation as typical guy talk or as someone venting. I should have just left the room. The other two would have been acceptable to mention under other conditions.

Also, some people just won’t change. I should have just let it be.

[Adam Strange]

Part 2: Between gas prices and some fees Travelosity didn’t tell me about I’m going to have to ask my dad for money, which makes me sick. Yeah, if I don’t spend anything more than planned, I should make it through this trip just under the wire -- no overdrawn account -- but that makes me pretty uncomfortable. I could:

A) remind him that he said he’d help me financially if I came home (he was, as always, drunk when he said that but he kept repeating it)
B) ask for a late Christmas/Birthday gift.
C) ask for a loan and say I can repay later this month when the electric company finally gives me my deposit back.

I think A is most fair but B would probably most appeal to him. I don't like it after he was so rude to me but when you gotta beg, you gotta beg.

I was happy when this whole thing started but my family’s house is like some sort of satanic void. I spent this morning with a headache (from the TV my mom watches at loud volumes) and nausea (from the thick cigarette smoke around this house which, despite a childhood around it, still makes me sick). I come back and it’s like the last 10 months never happened. No one in house acknowledges my existence, I’m broke, I’m trapped in rural PA in walking distance of nothing and I’m freaking out over a job interview.

[wordsmith]

I come back and it’s like the last 10 months never happened. No one in house acknowledges my existence, I’m broke, I’m trapped in rural PA in walking distance of nothing and I’m freaking out over a job interview.

This is a big reason why it seems to me like it's probably more to your advantage to keep an actual distance, geographic and otherwise. It seems like if you're nearby, you're going to get sucked into the badness again. So I'm glad that you'd still be, if you get the gig, six hours away from them.

[Adam Strange]

It sounds awful to view your family as hopeless. But there are problems here that would suck me in and I could never help. Whenever I am unsure about life my dad says, “The door is always open.” I couldn’t live here again.

[Quench]

I know what you mean about your family situation and home. When I read your last few posts, it seemed like something I could have written myself. I don't know what the solution is. I keep my distance from my family and then feel guilty. But then if I go back to them and the situation and atmosphere gets to me and interferes with the balance of my life I get angry. Which makes me feel really selfish.

There was probably nothing helpful in this post, but I just wanted to say I think I understand where you're coming from.

[Adam Strange]

There was probably nothing helpful in this post, but I just wanted to say I think I understand where you're coming from.

Thanks; I appreciate it. Sometimes with families like ours, there are no good options.