"I don't want you to buy me anything"

[ScottyTheBody]

Why do people say "Oh I don't want you to buy me anything..." on a special occasion or something. I always assume that they're lying and have always been right (because when I get them something they're always ecstatic or excited as soon as they see the gift and say "oh you didn't have to do that..."). I know I didn't have to do that. I just WANTED to do something nice for them.

My one friend was dating this girl and she told him "not to buy her anything" so he didn't buy her anything and then she ended up breaking up with him over it (saying he was selfish, didn't care for her, etc), but on the other hand he's respecting her wishes because she said she didn't want him to buy her anything. It seemed sort of lame for her to break up with him and stupid for him to believe her.

I don't know I always assumed that they were just saying a bunch of bull and if I wanted to buy a gift or whatever for them, I would.

Anyways, have you ever had someone say that to you or you say that to someone and actually mean it? Like, did they or you get angry (I mean actually angry, like yelling, not the "pretend angry" where they tell you I told you not to buy me anything but afterwards are thanking you with hugs, etc)?

[CTGirl]

Ugh, its things like this that make me ashamed to be a female.

If I say "dont buy me anything" its cuz i dont want that person to buy me anything. If I ask "does this make me look fat?" its cuz i want to know if the thing makes me look fat before I buy it.

I dunno, maybe I'm just a freak, I have this thing for honesty :rolleyes:

[wordsmith]

If I say I don't expect anything, I don't expect anything. If I did expect something, I wouldn't say I didn't.

I don't ever ask, "Does this make me look fat," or "Does my hair look nice," because if I'm wearing it or have it done that way, it's because I've already determined for myself that, no, it doesn't and yes, it does, respectively.

The "Let's see if you do/say the right thing" game is dumb.

[Millenial]

definitely childish

[Chameleon]

Sounds like your friend lucked out. Imagine having to second guess every thing your mate says everytime you ask her something and then getting punished for not being psychic.

ETA - regarding your original question, most people say "don't get me anything" to take the pressure off the gift giver, most mature people don't go psycho because someone took them at their word and most people that get an unexpected gift is going to be greatful/gracious about it even if they asked not to be given one. What are their options, throw a tantrum because some tried to do something nice?

[beeblebrox]

I hate when people do this even though I'm someone who does it too. For my birthday, I asked for more knitting classes instead of big gifts that take up space. Also, it works out well because my boyfriend and I just moved in together into a smaller downtown apartment, so space is limited no matter what.

[Ciderhillnh]

People say it so that they dont appear selfish or like they actually want something (which some people see as bad....its bad to want something and tell someone you want something)

So when someone says it......usually it means, only get something if you WANT to get me something...not because you feel obligated due to a special occassion.

[redav]

The 'read my mind' phenomenon is more common than those who've posted make it seem. The given example is the most extreme case, and specifically is rare (IMO), but the same sort of thing happens too frequently:

"What do you want for dinner?"
"Anything is fine."
(No, "anything" is not fine. Only that which is on the 'approved' list is fine. Usually couples who know each other reasonably well don't have a big problem with these things, but plenty of guys are clueless enough to botch it.)

Now, why do things like this happen? I expect there are several reasons, but here's some things I thought of:
- Women, in general, like a guy who shows some sort of initiative and insight. Thus, for a guy to know what she wants and does the work to get her that is more desirable than one who is no better than a dog playing fetch.
- Many women are self-conscious about nagging/being bossy. They don't want to come across that way, so they will say things like "It doesn't matter." A problem arises when it's not how they really feel. (Sad to say, but we all have said things that we don't really mean so that we look better.)
- Gender roles promote this type of behavior. Women, per the old-fashioned way of doing things, were to be passive and subservient. So, it would be proper that her opinion was not as important as his. As we all know, such a role does not reflect reality, and to say such a thing & participate in the system doesn't mean that she agrees with it. It's a "I'll say this because I'm supposed to, not because that's how I actually feel." I think there are still some remnants of this way of thinking lurking around the subconscious.

[CTGirl]

Now, why do things like this happen? I expect there are several reasons, but here's some things I thought of:
- Women, in general, like a guy who shows some sort of initiative and insight. Thus, for a guy to know what she wants and does the work to get her that is more desirable than one who is no better than a dog playing fetch.
- Many women are self-conscious about nagging/being bossy. They don't want to come across that way, so they will say things like "It doesn't matter." A problem arises when it's not how they really feel. (Sad to say, but we all have said things that we don't really mean so that we look better.)
- Gender roles promote this type of behavior. Women, per the old-fashioned way of doing things, were to be passive and subservient. So, it would be proper that her opinion was not as important as his. As we all know, such a role does not reflect reality, and to say such a thing & participate in the system doesn't mean that she agrees with it. It's a "I'll say this because I'm supposed to, not because that's how I actually feel." I think there are still some remnants of this way of thinking lurking around the subconscious.

I agree with the first and second points here, but I think we've come far enough in our society (or some of us have at least) where your third point is very often not the case anymore. I agree that it was in the past though.

I think it's reasonable for us to assume our significant other understands us well enough after a certain time to have a good idea what we're thinking, but the problem comes in when we expect that too soon, or confuse the other by saying the opposite of what we mean.

[mishl982]

Yep. If I say, "don't get me anything" I don't expect something. It's a pleasant surprise (and generally well worth the effort) if I do receive a gift (however small) after that, but not an expectation. The whole "read my mind" thing is total BS.
What she said word for word.

[cache]

To me it all comes down to situational semantics..."I don't want you to buy me anything" can mean two totally different things depending on the situation...

[CTGirl]

To me it all comes down to situational semantics..."I don't want you to buy me anything" can mean two totally different things depending on the situation...

How so?

To me, if I say I want or don't want something, then that's that, I dont see how that could go 2 different ways.

If I wanted to be more clear about it, I'd say something like "I dont care if you buy me something or not" or "you dont need to feel the need to buy me anything"

[redav]

I agree with the first and second points here, but I think we've come far enough in our society (or some of us have at least) where your third point is very often not the case anymore. I agree that it was in the past though.
There was a program on 20/20 about this--they gave lemonade made with salt to boys & girls, and asked them if it was good. IIRC, not a single boy said it was good, while a significant percentage of the girls lied and said they liked it. Now, why would this happen? It was their conclusion that it was the gender roles kids were indirectly or inadvertently taught, specifically, that girls should avoid conflict and/or have a responsibility to make other people feel good about themselves.

So, I would have to conclude that often (though maybe not the majority of the time), such influences do still play a role in many people's interactions.

[shadeofgreen]

My one friend was dating this girl and she told him "not to buy her anything" so he didn't buy her anything and then she ended up breaking up with him over it (saying he was selfish, didn't care for her, etc), but on the other hand he's respecting her wishes because she said she didn't want him to buy her anything. It seemed sort of lame for her to break up with him and stupid for him to believe her.
Lame, yes, stupid, yes, but your friend is lucky to have gotten out of that relationship.

I've told my family not to get me anything for Christmas and meant it, mostly because I just don't want any more stuff. They still bought me stuff, although these days they go the gift card route if I don't offer suggestions. I'm okay with that.

I guess it's different with friends and SOs than with family. I don't expect expensive gifts from my boyfriend but I don't think I'd ever tell him not to get me anything for my birthday or Christmas unless I knew he was in serious financial trouble or something. I'm not gonna lie, the boy isn't especially gifted (haHA!) when it comes to picking out presents, but the process of exchanging gifts with him is fun.

It's probably a good idea to at least get some sort of token gift for a girl who says she doesn't want anything, if nothing else just to let her know you didn't forget her birthday. But honestly, if she needs material objects from a guy to feel appreciated then she's got bigger problems.

[ScottyTheBody]

If I wanted to be more clear about it, I'd say something like "I dont care if you buy me something or not" or "you dont need to feel the need to buy me anything"

See that I don't really have a problem with. However, a large number of people say "I DON'T want you to buy me anything..." but then are happy if they are bought something. To me that is completely different than "you don't need to feel the need to buy me anything...". Alot of people use the first one but actually mean the second one. It's not that they don't want you to buy them something, they do, but only if you WANT to buy them something.

"I don't want you to buy me anything..." to me, is quite different than "I don't care if you buy me something or not.." or "you don't need to feel the need to buy me anything...".

I wish more people were clear like that.

[wordsmith]

I think the only instance in which I would specifically tell somebody NOT to buy me something is if I know that they're strapped for cash, or if I'm strapped for cash and can't reciprocate and feel badly about that.

All other times, it's more a "you don't HAVE to buy me anything," kind of circumstance. Thoughtful gifts are always nice...but they're certainly not required or demanded or expected.

I guess I don't know a large amount of people who are adamant about "don't buy me anything." It's always more the latter.

[CTGirl]

There was a program on 20/20 about this--they gave lemonade made with salt to boys & girls, and asked them if it was good. IIRC, not a single boy said it was good, while a significant percentage of the girls lied and said they liked it. Now, why would this happen? It was their conclusion that it was the gender roles kids were indirectly or inadvertently taught, specifically, that girls should avoid conflict and/or have a responsibility to make other people feel good about themselves.

So, I would have to conclude that often (though maybe not the majority of the time), such influences do still play a role in many people's interactions.

Women avoiding conflict and wanting to please others is not the same as "subservient" and "passive"

[wordsmith]

Nor is being polite. Being polite really shouldn't be a gender role, either.

[SunDevil]

Maybe they don't want something from a store, but they still want a gift you made yourself or for you to create an experience.

[redav]

Women avoiding conflict and wanting to please others is not the same as "subservient" and "passive"
Agreed, but irrelevant. (Also, being polite is not the same as lying your ass off.)

The point is traditional gender roles are still present and do play a part in our interactions. Also, these roles will pop up to irrational extremes in sometimes unexpected ways/situations.

[CTGirl]

Maybe they don't want something from a store, but they still want a gift you made yourself or for you to create an experience.

Thats a good point too. Just because someone says they dont want you to buy them anything for their birthday or whatever, doesnt necessarily mean they want you to ignore the day entirely.

For me, I'm not huge on birthdays, or gifts for that matter, so I'll often tell people not to buy me anything (which I do mean), but that doesnt mean I want people to forget all about my birthday, and I do like it when people say something or do something, or make me a cake or something, etc.

[CTGirl]

Agreed, but irrelevant. (Also, being polite is not the same as lying your ass off.)

The point is traditional gender roles are still present and do play a part in our interactions. Also, these roles will pop up to irrational extremes in sometimes unexpected ways/situations.

While I agree that we are programmed, as different genders, to act differently, I do not see this as a "traditional" issue at all, but an evolutionary/biological issue. Obvisously the genders are different, but I don't think this is a matter of "tradition"