does growing up mean losing friends?

[movin'on]

has anyone else lost a lot of their single friends once they have gotten engaged? I was a wild party girl in college, and was lucky enough to stay friends with my group after college, but upon getting a serious boyfriend (about two year ago), they stopped hanging out as much and found me "boring". I would go out with them but my "best friend" even yelled at me because i stopped dancing with guys. By the time i got engaged i realized that I wasn't even friends with these girls anymore! has anyone else experienced such pushback? It was like because i wasn't down with going out and getting wasted on the weekends that I suddenly becaome boring. anywhoo how can I make new friends? It was always so easy in school, and I am not really working with people my age, but miss having close friends! :cry:

[wordsmith]

It seems like when there's a rift when a formerly single friend in a set of friends gets involved and/or engaged, there are always two distinctly different sides to the story.

[winneythepooh7]

I just think it's hard in general to make friends as we get older, and I really don't think being in a relationship often has much to do with it. I live with my fiance, however, I also am very independent of him. I wouldn't mind making more friends to hang out with whether or not he is around. I have joined different social groups with other women my age to have stuff to do on a regular basis, but it's still really hard.

[bridgetjones]

i would say yes it does mean your friendships change and some of your friendships will not neccessarily be as close. perhaps there is not enough in common to keep you guys together.

i can understand that an engaged/ seriously involved person does not have as much time for me or may be more interested in spending alot of time with SO. meh. i have been more on the receiving end of coupled up ppl being self involved and not being considerate of me. that can suck. having to wait for all these ppl to get back to me about whether their SO has plans. blah. feeling 2nd place to the SO at all times. i get it but it can be a lonely business.

i am still in the being very very single in a sea of couples at times. i also do not want to be judged for wanting to go drinking and playing around with ppl til the wee hours. heck i am single and do not have anyone to go home to so blah! well maybe some of your singleton pals may feel that way. then perhaps they might be jealous. but yelling at you for not dancin' with the men? weird.

[Krishna]

It was like because i wasn't down with going out and getting wasted on the weekends that I suddenly becaome boring.

I understand where you're coming from. In college, when I was getting ready to start my student teaching, I realized that I couldn't be out making a fool of myself every weekend. I was in a small-ish community, and student teaching & trying to be taken seriously wouldn't have worked if my kids' parents saw me stumbling out of a bar (not that I was a huge drinker, by any means). My roommates and college friends continued to go out Thursday-Saturday nights, and I got shifted out of hanging out with them. I've chosen to cultivate a non-party girl image, and that's lost me some friends. I guess I'm OK with that though.

[winneythepooh7]

Again, as someone who is engaged, I don't think my relationship keeps me from maintaining friendships at all. My job on the other hand, plays the biggest role. I am usually exhausted in the evenings during the week, so the last thing I want to do is hang out with people. On the weekends, it's playing catch-up with the things I don't have time to do during the week. Sometimes I just like to relax on my weekends and not have a ton of committments. When I have to travel an hour one way to hang out with people, it's a turn off. These again are factors that have absolutely nothing to do with having a significant other.

[redav]

Engaged, no, not at all. But then, none of us are wild party animals, so being in a relationship doesn't make much of a difference to many of our social interactions.

I have noticed that when many of my friends get married it is difficult to maintain the same consistency and quality of contact--we still are friends, but just don't see each other anywhere near as much, so it can be difficult to maintain the same level of friendship as before.

[movin'on]

i think you are right, it isn't the fiance, it is the working 12 hour days with the hour commute each way, i think it is just that my fiance is the only one that is cool with staying in and watching a movie, so my friends interpret it as I spend all my free time with him. aha!
I think I have a good grasp on the single person's point of view, which is why i would make that extra effort to go out, even when i was tired, but then my best friend would yell at me for being tired (not even joking). She told me my yawning was offensive and made it look like i didn't want to be around her and that i shouldn't even bother to come out if i didn't want to. :question:
I know it sucks to be lonely so I make it a point to try to NOT talk about my future husband at all when around others. I honestly think (good lord this sounds self-centered) that i had a very controlling best friend and once I became independent of her she couldn't deal! She didn't have someone to hang out with every day. But i still can't help but think the fault falls 50/50 and that I am just a crappy person and now I can't make new friends. :mad: bohoo, i know, i know. I am so lame.

[Chameleon]

I know it sucks to be lonely so I make it a point to try to NOT talk about my future husband at all when around others. I honestly think (good lord this sounds self-centered) that i had a very controlling best friend and once I became independent of her she couldn't deal! She didn't have someone to hang out with every day. But i still can't help but think the fault falls 50/50 and that I am just a crappy person and now I can't make new friends. :mad: bohoo, i know, i know. I am so lame.
You are not lame.

There's gushing about your fiance and wedding plans all the time (which is annoying) but not being able to talk about him at all? It's your life, you should be able to talk about it with your friends. Your best friend sounds a tad toxic. Yelling is an inappropriate response to you *gasp* being tired or *gasp* not wanting to grind with random guys. I don't think you are at fault for the growing distance, and it's not because of your fiance. If you are tired, your friends should be willing to bend once in a while to do something you are interested in doing if they are interested actually seeing you and not just using you as a party prop.

[Krissy2006]

I definately think that as we all grow up we inevitably grow apart from ppl... HOWEVER, does this make us bad friends? I'm constantly feeling as though I am a failure of a friend, b/c just recently there have been lots of ppl I no longer talk to... either b/c of the fact we have grown apart, or just b/c time got in the way...

[Ciderhillnh]

Its a bit understandable though that if you agree to go out with a friend, and you're tired and yawning that it appears as though you dont want to be there.

If its rare that you'll go out and then when you do it looks like you've been dragged along, it can be annoying to the person who invited you.

Also, she might feel as though she is losing you to your fiancee, since you dont want to 'party' as much anymore. ALso, when the third wheel or the only suggested activities are sitting at home and watching a movie (not saying this is fact just posing ideas here), when your friend is single, while a movie once in a great while might be fun, she probably wants to go out and meet people, and if you're out with her, she wants you to be her wing-girl not yawning and ready to go home at 11pm because you have someone to go home to.

Mostly Ive noticed, that some people once they get into a relationship give up on some things they used to do (like going out to the bar/club with friends) while its understood that you want to spend time with your guy, your single friends still want to go out and meet people to find their SO......and sure it might not have as much appeal to you since you're not single anymore, but to go and support them is a good gesture.

Im happy with my relationship, and Ive asked my friends if they feel that Ive changed. They have said flat out no.
When we are all tired, we stay in and watch a movie, if we're all pumped to go out we go out (its more of a group decision and if more people want to go out, we can usually convince someone to come if they are tired)-----I never check with my SO about plans, I make mine see if he wants to go, if he doesnt ah well Im heading out with my friends.

We all get tired, but when it seems that once you have an SO all you do is stay home and watch movies, it can seem to friends that you prefer to stay home with him rather than go out with them.

As always its about balance.

[mishl982]

As we get older, our priorities start to change and they're not always the same as our friends. Since you'll find you have less in common with some of your friends it's only natural you might see or hear from them (or they won't hear from you) less, but both sides still need to put forth the effort to hang out or keep in touch if you want to maintain the friendship.

[winneythepooh7]

Since I have a fiance now, it needs to be understood to my single friends that I am not going to be comfortable going out to clubs and bars and acting like a single person, picking up guys and the like. That's not to say I won't ever go, I am just not going to engage in that kind of behavior. If they have a problem with that, they're not my friends.

Additionally, we do grow apart from a lot of our friends as we grow older. That's just a natural part of life.

To the OP: I think you should start looking to build a new friendship circle. Figure out your interests and go from there........maybe even be bold and start a "group" yourself on Craigslist or something.

Lastly, my job needs to come before anything else because that's my livelihood. If someone has a problem with my being tired after work, well, that's their issue, not mine.

[wordsmith]

I honestly don't know why anybody in a committed relationship would be expected to pick up men when they go out. That's odd to me. If I were into clubs, which I'm not, I'd hope that my friends would continue to socialize with me and go out even if they're involved or engaged. I would probably feel taken aback if the attitude was, "I'm not single anymore, so I can't do this activity we do as friends anymore." To me, the reason that would sting is because it would sound to me like the only reason the person was going out and socializing with me in the first place was primarily to troll for men, rather than hang out with me...if once there's no need to be trolling for men, the activity no longer holds any appeal.

[Ciderhillnh]

So you think its odd to be expected to be a wing-girl if you're out with single friends.
It doesnt mean grinding on some guy, it just means talking to him while his buddy is hanging out with your friend. The guy you're talking to might even be in the same boat, and you can even say I came out to help hook up my friend, but Im taken....but Id love to chat with you while they hang out!

Helps your friend meet men, and plus if you're taken its so much easier to walk up to a guy and say hey my friend thinks your cute come over and talk to us.....

[winneythepooh7]

Well, fortunately this is not an issue anyways, because for me, when I go to hang out with my friends, it's to hang out with each other--not pick up guys.

[Ciderhillnh]

You can hang out with your girlfriends, but I dont think it has to be a wall that if a guy comes up and wants to talk to one of them that she shouldnt because she is out with the girls......if its a chance to meet someone she might like to date, its not hard to be the wing-girl.

I head out with my girls all the time, and we have plenty of time talking and catching up etc, if we are at a bar and some guy is cute to her, Ill either A) go bring him over or B) be her wing-girl for his buddy while she and the guy chat.

[winneythepooh7]

Cider, I still talk to boys in a bar. What I am saying is going wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy over your head. There's a difference between making friendly conversation and what you are saying. I am going now because I sense a blow-up in this thread, and it's not even an issue for me.

[pisces2473]

Well, fortunately this is not an issue anyways, because for me, when I go to hang out with my friends, it's to hang out with each other--not pick up guys.
Seriously. I didn't realize that when you hang out with friends, you must always be on the lookout for dudes.

Most of my friends are taken, so we don't need to have this concern.

[Winter Storm]

Well, fortunately this is not an issue anyways, because for me, when I go to hang out with my friends, it's to hang out with each other--not pick up guys.
Same here and we're all single. None of us go out to pick up guys and even if one catches our eye, no one feels obligated nor wants to be a wingwoman.

What I think this topic has more to do with is the married/taken women not being into the club/bar scene anymore, not so much by not wanting to be a wingwoman. I think when people get into serious relationships, their interests just change and don't always line up with their single friends.

But true friends will continue to find a common ground.

And yes married people are boring!


Just kidding! :p

[Ciderhillnh]

What Im saying is tell the guy that you're being the wing-girl with that you're taken and that you are specifically the wing girl......which means just making small talk while your girl and his buddy get to know one another.

And Winney....you said one post before "Well, fortunately this is not an issue anyways, because for me, when I go to hang out with my friends, it's to hang out with each other--not pick up guys."

Pisces I never said you ALWAYS had to be on the lookout for guys when out, but if out with your girls and someone catches the eye of a guy, Ill help her out and be her wing-girl.

The point Im getting at is that it seems when people get into relationships they just want to sit at home with that person and dont make time to go out with their friends unless its to a movie or dinner. Single girls sometimes want to go out to a bar, and well even if you have an SO whats so hard in going out and supporting your friend in her wanting to go to the bar and possibly meet someone of her own?

maybe this is more of a non-issue for me since my married friends are all outgoing and come out all the time, as do their husbands without their wives if its something that they want to do.
We go to bars, parties, clubs, dinners, whatever.

Seems that those who get too into their SOs and just want to hang out on the couch, they quickly get dropped from the social calling list because they always claim they are too tired, or they just want to hang out with their SO.
Funny when their SO is busy or goes away, they call to find out about plans, but usually find that plans have already been made. Sucks for them.

[pisces2473]

Some people were never into bars/clubs when they were single. So yeah.

[Ciderhillnh]

You can be a wing-girl anywhere, its not just for bars/clubs. It could be at a flea market, movie store, resturant, friends party, outdoor BBQ, concert etc etc etc.

[pisces2473]

Totally agree. It sucks to "outgrow" friends, but it does sometimes happen when people (one or both) change and don't always like each other any more. It doesn't (always) mean that they weren't friends before, though, IMO. Just not forever and always friends, which are very rare.
True, and it doesn't always happen BECAUSE of a guy, either.

My friends and I are all attached, and I know we're growing apart, sorta. It's not like we sit around and plan dinner parties and other "boring married people" things. We just don't have similar interests anymore...some are starting families, some hate kids, some of the husbands don't have common ground, etc.

[pisces2473]

You can be a wing-girl anywhere, its not just for bars/clubs. It could be at a flea market, movie store, resturant, friends party, outdoor BBQ, concert etc etc etc.
Dude, sometimes when you hang out with single friends, THEY DON'T WANT you play matchmaker. And maybe not ALL of the time or EVERY time. Sometimes you just want to have dinner and chat, as girls, without trying to hook everyone and their mother up. I would think that some people might think that they suck b/c they are single, if their friends are always trying to set them up, and that they are only valid if they have an SO.

I know that if my friends were always trying to hook me up with some random guy when we went out as "just the girls" I would think they valued the challenge/success of hooking me up, more than they did hanging out with just me. Like I'm not good enough to hang out with alone...we have to find some guy to talk to, as well.

[Ciderhillnh]

RIght because heaven forbid you hang out with out the husbands....since of course they have to get along in order to spend time together! :googly:

As usual you're not getting it. Its not that EVERY SINGLE time we go out there has to be matchmaking going on, but if we're out and they happen to start talking to a guy and need a wing-girl Im more than happy to play the role so they can talk to the dude.

There are TONS of times we go out and dont meet anyone, but my friends are very social like myself so we tend to talk to new people when we head out.

[pisces2473]

RIght because heaven forbid you hang out with out the husbands....since of course they have to get along in order to spend time together! :googly:
Uhh yeah, actually, they do.

My FI doesn't like a certain SO of one of my friends. He's tried and tried to get this guy to talk about stuff...the guy doesn't really talk, have hobbies, etc. It's like hanging with a rock. Why would one want to waste time with that?

[pisces2473]

Wow, sometimes, when I meet up with my friends, I just want to talk to them. I don't need to be extra much more social every time.

[Winter Storm]

My friends and I are all attached, and I know we're growing apart, sorta. It's not like we sit around and plan dinner parties and other "boring married people" things. We just don't have similar interests anymore...some are starting families, some hate kids, some of the husbands don't have common ground, etc.

Yeah I think it is just a difference in interests overall. Just like single girls will have totally different conversations that married girls will and different ways of relating due to the differences in lifestyles. I know there are also big differences in relating and getting together between the childless peeps and the ones with kids.

And not everyone will be into talking to strangers for any reason really. Nor should they be expected to.

[pisces2473]

Yeah I think it is just a difference in interests overall. Just like single girls will have totally different conversations that married girls will and different ways of relating due to the differences in lifestyles. I know there are also big differences in relating and getting together between the childless peeps and the ones with kids.

And not everyone will be into talking to strangers for any reason really. Nor should they be expected to.
Exactly. Just b/c you're single doesn't mean you'll get along with every single person, or when you're married, you'll get along with all married people.

And parents? usually end up hating other parents, lol.

[Ciderhillnh]

So you cant hang out with YOUR friend and leave you and her SO at home so they dont have to try and get along?

[wordsmith]

Most of the childhood/youth friends I've drifted from, nothing really changed that made us drift apart...what I realized it was was this: We were never really that close, we just thought we were, due to proximity...same hometown, same high school activities, same floor in the dorms, etc. And for a while, that bred a feeling of connectedness that wasn't ever very deep, but it worked at the time. But when I look at it, I can't honestly look at it and think, "Oh, we used to have so much in common, when and why did that change?" To be honest, we never had a whole lot in common...just convenience and proximity, and enough camaraderie that that was enough. Now, though, it matters, and if there was never any type of real closeness beyond the superficial (I use the word literally, not condescendingly), it's not going to cut it these days.

So I can't really say the people I've drifted from, Oh, we changed so much..nah. We're the same as we always were, in the grand scheme, basic personality type things. But whereas it didn't matter before that we didn't have a ton in common, now it does.

[pisces2473]

So you cant hang out with YOUR friend and leave you and her SO at home so they dont have to try and get along?
Yesssssssss, we actually DO hang out without our men, but (this goes back to an earlier post on this thread) I feel that we are growing apart or never were very close (like Wordsmith just posted about). So it doesn't matter if we are attached, single, etc...we're just not meshing as well as we did when we were 16.

[Ciderhillnh]

Again seems to have gone over your heads. So because of that lets try again and if I have to explain EVERY POSSIBLE scenario maybe you'll understand that this isnt 100% of the time or forced, its just how we are when we go out.

Im not saying EVERY time we go out we talk to people and try to hook up single friends.

But when we go out, because we are a social group, even though we are out to spend time together, if someone strikes up a conversation (either someone coming up to us or us going up to them) they are more than welcome to join the conversation and our group.

So we are spending time together, but we don’t wall ourselves off to new people should it HAPPEN to take place.

Maybe part of it is that I see most of my friends once a week or more, and talk to them multiple times per week. So when we get together we are happy to spend time together, but its not like we have MONTHS to catch up on.

And also, maybe this is why we have more fun when we go out……we are open to others and they see that and its why we get approached most times when we go out.

[pisces2473]

And some people, will "break up" as friends even if they have kids the same age. These things happen and sometimes people just decide that it's not worth trying to give CPR to a dead/dying relationship.

EDIT: total cross post, pisces!
Yeah, my parents did it too ;)

Whoo hoo!

[Winter Storm]

The other thing I think it is is a shift in life priorities.

I know right now, of my single friends, we put each other first since we are essentially our own family. The men can wait.

But I do expect when they get into serious relationships and marriages, they will then put their husbands and kids first. As much as I'd like my friendship to remain top priority, oftentimes, it takes a backseat to the SO of whom you're building a life and home with. I won't expect to see them or talk to them as much after getting married as it adds a whole new dynamic to their lives. Hopefullym we'll still find time for each other but I can't expect it to always be the same as when we were young, single, homies out for the takeover. ;):

[pisces2473]

Most of the childhood/youth friends I've drifted from, nothing really changed that made us drift apart...what I realized it was was this: We were never really that close, we just thought we were, due to proximity...same hometown, same high school activities, same floor in the dorms, etc. And for a while, that bred a feeling of connectedness that wasn't ever very deep, but it worked at the time. But when I look at it, I can't honestly look at it and think, "Oh, we used to have so much in common, when and why did that change?" To be honest, we never had a whole lot in common...just convenience and proximity, and enough camaraderie that that was enough. Now, though, it matters, and if there was never any type of real closeness beyond the superficial (I use the word literally, not condescendingly), it's not going to cut it these days.

So I can't really say the people I've drifted from, Oh, we changed so much..nah. We're the same as we always were, in the grand scheme, basic personality type things. But whereas it didn't matter before that we didn't have a ton in common, now it does.
Yeah, I'm starting to think this is what's happening. We are the same, it's the circumstances that have changed.

[wordsmith]

My parents actually suffer a lot, because in 35 years as a couple, they've never been able to manage to put together a circle of other "couple" friends. In every instance of couples they've attempted to socialize with, one partner or the other is a dud, as far as their counterpart in my parents' setup is concerned. My dad's best friends are either all bachelors, or the ones that are married are married to mean, bitchy women my mom doesn't identify with, and are hard to spend time around. My mom's best friends all have spouses who are not very bright, not very interesting, and painful for my dad to attempt to hold a conversation with. They don't have a single couple they know where both partners rock. It's really been hard for them over the years. My dad's best friend has a wife that's so mean, rude, and bitchy that she's had my mom in tears before.

[pisces2473]

My parents actually suffer a lot, because in 35 years as a couple, they've never been able to manage to put together a circle of other "couple" friends. In every instance of couples they've attempted to socialize with, one partner or the other is a dud, as far as their counterpart in my parents' setup is concerned. My dad's best friends are either all bachelors, or the ones that are married are married to mean, bitchy women my mom doesn't identify with, and are hard to spend time around. My mom's best friends all have spouses who are not very bright, not very interesting, and painful for my dad to attempt to hold a conversation with. They don't have a single couple they know where both partners rock. It's really been hard for them over the years. My dad's best friend has a wife that's so mean, rude, and bitchy that she's had my mom in tears before.
My parents, too, actually. My dad's best friend is awesome, and the wife is OK...I mean, the guys are super tight, whereas my mom is more of a periphery friend to the wife. She has her BFFs and my mom doesn't, her BF's are her sisters. They are fairly good friends, but not the same level as the husbands. It bothers my mom sometimes, but she tries not to let these things bother her. OTOH, my mom's never had a close friend at all, really.

[mishl982]

When I go out, regardless of whether I have a SO or not, it's to have fun with my friends (guys and gals). If a guy comes along that wants to talk to one of us, great, but the object of the night is not to pick up men.

However, this Friday, I hope to pick up lots of men and enlist the help of many wing-men and wing-women! :p

[wordsmith]

The other thing I think it is is a shift in life priorities.

I know right now, of my single friends, we put each other first since we are essentially our own family. The men can wait.



You know, I've realized this...first in passing, when the Bridget Jones books talked about "urban singleton families"...and now, in light of Winter's post...I just don't see my single friends (or hitched friends, for that matter), as family, for the most part.

I just can't think of anybody but my family as my family. My friends are my friends, and they're great, but they'll never be elevated to the status of my family.

[pisces2473]

When I go out, regardless of whether I have a SO or not, it's to have fun with my friends (guys and gals). If a guy comes along that wants to talk to one of us, great, but the object of the night is not to pick up men.

However, this Friday, I hope to pick up lots of men and enlist the help of many wing-men and wing-women! :p
You're on saaaale, you filthy girl! :p

[winneythepooh7]

Hmmm, it would be just a bit odd, if not completely inappropriate to bring my fiance to my sorority alumnae evenings out. I am not that attached to him. :rolleyes:

[wordsmith]

My parents, too, actually. My dad's best friend is awesome, and the wife is OK...I mean, the guys are super tight, whereas my mom is more of a periphery friend to the wife. She has her BFFs and my mom doesn't, her BF's are her sisters. They are fairly good friends, but not the same level as the husbands. It bothers my mom sometimes, but she tries not to let these things bother her. OTOH, my mom's never had a close friend at all, really.

My mom's the far more social, of my mom and dad, so she's had lots of her own close friends, but it's always hurt her that they have no couple friends. My dad has a very, very, very small group of people he calls close friends, and most of them are guys he grew up with who are scattered around the country (one of whom has the evil bitch wife from hell). My mom is also close with her siblings, my dad is not.

[Winter Storm]

You know, I've realized this...first in passing, when the Bridget Jones books talked about "urban singleton families"...and now, in light of Winter's post...I just don't see my single friends (or hitched friends, for that matter), as family, for the most part.

I just can't think of anybody but my family as my family. My friends are my friends, and they're great, but they'll never be elevated to the status of my family.

Speaking for myself, I think this happens more often in situations where people don't have close access to their families, as in they live long distance or just don't have much or any family at all.

Many of the friends I mentioned have family out of state or don't have really strong ties with them. So we have more tendency to bound together.

[pisces2473]

Hmmm, it would be just a bit odd, if not completely inappropriate to bring my fiance to my sorority alumnae evenings out. I am not that attached to him. :rolleyes:
Yeah, I would feel weird bringing mine to my college reunion. I know a lot of ppl bring spouses, but he didn't go to my school, he barely knows the people I know, so he'd just feel very awkward/out of place. He's more introverted.

[winneythepooh7]

However, this Friday, I hope to pick up lots of men and enlist the help of many wing-men and wing-women! :p


Anybody else craving hot wings with bleu cheese right now :D.

[pisces2473]

My mom is also close with her siblings, my dad is not.
Mine too. My mom talks to her older sister almost every night. I don't talk to my best friend that often, lol.

My dad--not close w/ the fam. But talks to his BF almost every night. And the guy lives 2 miles away, lol.

[mishl982]

Anybody else craving hot wings with bleu cheese right now :D.
YUM! ;)

[wordsmith]

Speaking for myself, I think this happens more often in situations where people don't have close access to their families, as in they live long distance or just don't have much or any family at all.

Many of the friends I mentioned have family out of state or don't have really strong ties with them. So we have more tendency to bound together.

yeah, I can see that. I think I probably bonded more strongly with acquaintances when I was in undergrad and living eight hours away from my actual fam...probably the closest I came to creating a surrogate fam where I was. But I still think I spent more time on the phone talking to home than I ever spent going out with those friends.

[pisces2473]

Anybody else craving hot wings with bleu cheese right now :D.
With beer? LOL

And I agree about the urban families...my family is my family. I've never lived more than a few hrs drive from them, so I didn't need to make a new network...but I see why some people do...it's understandable, and great that they have that support.

[wordsmith]

Mine too. My mom talks to her older sister almost every night. I don't talk to my best friend that often, lol.

My dad--not close w/ the fam. But talks to his BF almost every night. And the guy lives 2 miles away, lol.

My dad has nobody he talks to with anything resembling even weekly frequency except a guy he's been on school board with for 10 years. He's the closest thing my dad has to a local buddy. My dad's really a pretty solitary dude.

I could totally see talking to my sister nightly...I see her daily now that we're geographically close.

[Winter Storm]

I do think WS's point is well made, though.

Thank you WIP!

And I was just thinking how right now in our friendship, my BFF makes me feel like #1. But if she got married (which she doesn't want), it would be different and we wouldn't be able to spend as much time nor talk as much as we do now. Such is life, really.

[SunnyCee]

Most of the childhood/youth friends I've drifted from, nothing really changed that made us drift apart...what I realized it was was this: We were never really that close, we just thought we were, due to proximity...same hometown, same high school activities, same floor in the dorms, etc. And for a while, that bred a feeling of connectedness that wasn't ever very deep, but it worked at the time. But when I look at it, I can't honestly look at it and think, "Oh, we used to have so much in common, when and why did that change?" To be honest, we never had a whole lot in common...just convenience and proximity, and enough camaraderie that that was enough. Now, though, it matters, and if there was never any type of real closeness beyond the superficial (I use the word literally, not condescendingly), it's not going to cut it these days.

So I can't really say the people I've drifted from, Oh, we changed so much..nah. We're the same as we always were, in the grand scheme, basic personality type things. But whereas it didn't matter before that we didn't have a ton in common, now it does.

That is such a perfect articulation of what I've been feeling lately, actually! Thanks for getting it out of my head so it makes more sense :-)
I feel much better about some of my relationships thinking this over some more.

[wordsmith]

And it really highlights the truth of it when the people where there actually is a significantly deep bond with real closeness, that drifting doesn't occur.

[pisces2473]

And it really highlights the truth of it when the people where there actually is a significantly deep bond with real closeness, that drifting doesn't occur.
Seriously, I'm just thinking about this now, and it's so true.

[wordsmith]

That's how you know what friends are based on a deeper and more abiding connection, and what friends are more just acquaintances born of proximity and convenience. Most people have both sorts.

[bridgetjones]

I do not know. I have had close pals but I have either fallen out with them or just drifted. Lately I have reconnected with some old pals. Maybe some of the magic will still be there despite that some of us have gotten married, popped out kids or have not done any of the above. However, it will never be the same as before but I am craving some closer connection as I am more focused on socializing/ fun activities.

Right now I have alot of acquintances I enjoy but are they close or will become close??? It is alot of fun but not really consistently intimate. I have no probs finding ppl to do stuff with but making it consistently deeper is tough.

As for the couple thing, I have been in the situation where I do not like one of the ppl in a couple and it makes a friendship strained. Heck I really do not like my SIL and it sadly makes my relationship with my own bro awkward. Yep I have drifted from my bro soo... Ok should not dwell on it too much...

[Chameleon]

I do not know. I have had close pals but I have either fallen out with them or just drifted. Lately I have reconnected with some old pals. Maybe some of the magic will still be there despite that some of us have gotten married, popped out kids or have not done any of the above. However, it will never be the same as before but I am craving some closer connection as I am more focused on socializing/ fun activities.

Right now I have alot of acquintances I enjoy but are they close or will become close??? It is alot of fun but not really consistently intimate. I have no probs finding ppl to do stuff with but making it consistently deeper is tough.

As for the couple thing, I have been in the situation where I do not like one of the ppl in a couple and it makes a friendship strained. Heck I really do not like my SIL and it sadly makes my relationship with my own bro awkward. Yep I have drifted from my bro soo... Ok should not dwell on it too much...
I've had the same thing happen. One of my close friends who I used to work with moved many states away, got married, got a demanding job, and had a baby in the space of about 18 months. We don't talk daily anymore but I don't think it's because our bond wasn't real or deep.

I don't feel as close to my older brother now that he's married, I rarely get to hang out with him without his wife in tow and she's usually a bit of a party pooper because she doesn't like the movies or shows we like to see together.

I'm fortunate enough to have a circle of acquaintances/friends (I'm not 'tight' with everyone in the group) I hang out with and I'm one of three perpetually single girls in the group. It's assumed that the coupled ladies won't be up for anything last minute and their SOs are pretty much a package deal when it's not explicitly stated as an all-girls event.

I guess moving around a lot growing up made friendships dissolving due to circumstances (like say, moving halfway across the world) to be pretty common place. Just because it died or lessened in intensity, doesn't mean it wasn't meaningful or real.

[bridgetjones]

Well I think some friendships will go into hibernation if they are worth anything. Darn I guess I should go make contact with those old pals. Incidentaly the SIL I do not like is an old pal whom I fell out with when she got involved with my bro. Sad and ugly...

Yeah well I expect some drift or seeing ppl less as time goes on. Sometimes if I want to just go do something I might not bother with someone who is coupled up... I just have to have more ppl or options open to not be alone or bored. At times it is me against the world without backup and one more pal getting engaged can bring up feelings about being alone in a coupled up world... I generally do not take those feelings out on the person in question as that is not fair. However some ppl might be nastier or more moody than me. I am not bored or short of fun stuff to do. It is lonely at times.

Ok enough about my woes. This thread is about an engaged person's friendship woes.

[cameralady]

Yeah, I would feel weird bringing mine to my college reunion. I know a lot of ppl bring spouses, but he didn't go to my school, he barely knows the people I know, so he'd just feel very awkward/out of place. He's more introverted.

I'd bring my bf to alumni weekend once mainly to meet my friends. (My friends from college are not in this city. Some remained in the city of our alma mater, and I try to get them to come out for some of the alumni day events-just to socailize). It'd be nice to try to show him where I came from since my college experience played a big part of who I am today. But to bring him each reunion? No, probably not. :-P

[blue27]

I think it just normal, life stuff, it was for my friends a combination of things, demanding jobs, SO, taking care of kids, just becoming different people.. it is wierd seems friendship stay close as long as nothing really changes meaning life stays the same..if things stay the same you have the same friendships at least in some situations...but life is change..

I had to just accept that at one point or another we all change in our opinions and lifestyles and sometimes people who we used to relate to.. may not be able to relate to anymore.. or certain behaviors that were acceptable when we were younger. aren't anymore. but if i didn't grow and change.. and let go of some friendships, and develop more of myself as well as make more friends who I can relate to now I wouldn't be the person I am today.. but the old friends that I don't talk to as much helped tooo..helped me to learn so much about myself.. good and bad..I think people are like bits and pieces, I remember this saying in college.. didn't know what it meant until I got older..it's wierd at 27 things makes so much more sense, then when I was 24...what a difference 3 years made for me..cause for years I struggle with change..

[blue27]

opps double post:)