Friend trying to get back in

[ValentineGirl]

I was friends with this girl all four years of college. Somewhere during my senior year the friendship kind of jumped ship. I realized I didn't have anything in common with this girl and it got to the point where I just couldn't be myself. Also, she sort of mocked me and teased me in a half joking half serious kind of way. So after we both got done with school we kind of lost touch and I was relieved.
Recently she has been calling my cellphone a lot and I haven't been answering. She called my mom's house last night and told here I wasn't there. Well what she doesn't know is that I moved to Cincinnati almost two years ago. I decided not to contact her when I moved here because I wanted to focus on my goals and getting to know Cincinnati for myself. How should I handle this? I would rather she didn't know I lived here. I've made a lot of progress in my life and she's kind of negative. I sent her an email this morning and just said my mom told me you called, what's up?

[aggiegrad05]

How far away is Cincinnati from where you were before? If it's a good distance, that probably solves your problem since you won't actually have to go and see her. When she emails back just say that things are good and that you've been staying really busy with work and whatever else. I don't think you really owe her anything if you haven't talked to her in two years. I'd just keep the next email friendly, short and distant and then leave it at that.

[ValentineGirl]

It's only an hour and a half from my hometown, Louisville. She lives in Cincinnati too.

[fuzmiq]

I was friends with this girl all four years of college. Somewhere during my senior year the friendship kind of jumped ship. I realized I didn't have anything in common with this girl and it got to the point where I just couldn't be myself. Also, she sort of mocked me and teased me in a half joking half serious kind of way. So after we both got done with school we kind of lost touch and I was relieved.
Recently she has been calling my cellphone a lot and I haven't been answering. She called my mom's house last night and told here I wasn't there. Well what she doesn't know is that I moved to Cincinnati almost two years ago. I decided not to contact her when I moved here because I wanted to focus on my goals and getting to know Cincinnati for myself. How should I handle this? I would rather she didn't know I lived here. I've made a lot of progress in my life and she's kind of negative. I sent her an email this morning and just said my mom told me you called, what's up?

I have one of these "friends" too. She just recently called me to go see Spiderman. I don't know when she will give up. Like, how many times can you call a person and them not answer before you get the hint?

[Chameleon]

Definitely practice the fine art of saying "No" without giving her any reasons other than you are busy. The longer you stay on the phone trying to account for every free minute of your time, the likelier you'll give in and agree to meet up with her. If you can stand to see her, make sure there's an apology for her past behavior before you make any plans. Life is to short to be a ex-friend's hostage.

[Ciderhillnh]

"I have one of these "friends" too. She just recently called me to go see Spiderman. I don't know when she will give up. Like, how many times can you call a person and them not answer before you get the hint?"

Um probably until you directly tell them that you are not interested in being friends.

Direct works much better than p****footing around and hoping they get the hint.


ValentineGirl....my suggestion, is if this girl writes you back, politely tell her that you grew apart during college and currently you're too busy to make room for new friends or new activities.
Tell her you wish her the best. And sign off.

[and1grad]

ValentineGirl....my suggestion, is if this girl writes you back, politely tell her that you grew apart during college and currently you're too busy to make room for new friends or new activities.
Tell her you wish her the best. And sign off.
That sounds kinda bitchy to me. You might not want a new friend but why develop a new enemy? Especially when you might actually run into said person. I think you should just give this "friend" the run around. The "I'm busy but maybe another time" without saying when...that kinda stuff. She'll eventually stop trying.

[wordsmith]

... if this girl writes you back, politely tell her that you grew apart during college and currently you're too busy to make room for new friends or new activities.
Tell her you wish her the best. And sign off.

This might work well... if you were a cyborg, a bitch, or a bitchy cyborg.

[Ciderhillnh]

Its not bitchy...its direct.

Why give someone the run around if you actually dont want to spend time with them?

Isnt this board FILLED with posts about people trying to get in contact with friends who never return calls, asnwer the phone or commit to plans....or never reach out to make plans with posters here?

If people complain about their friends doing this to them, it hardly seems right to do the same to others.

[wordsmith]

Eh, you say direct, I say cold. Tomato, tomahto.

[aggiegrad05]

If people complain about their friends doing this to them, it hardly seems right to do the same to others.
Yeah, but in this case, they haven't had any contact AT ALL for 2 years. What does this girl expect? I certainly wouldn't expect anyone I hadn't seen or heard from in two years to bend over backwards to try and get the friendship going again after so long. It would be different if they had been friendly in the past few months or something, but in this situation, I don't think there's anything wrong with sparing her feelings and civilly blowing her off.

[Ciderhillnh]

Its the point that people here HATE being blown off or given the run around.....the age old saying do onto others as you wish them to do onto you.

Words, so if you tried to get in contact with someone and they never answered their phone, returned your calls or accepted invitations, you'd be fine with that rather than their coming out straight and saying---hey sorry but I cant be friends with you right now....you'd prefer the run around?

[wordsmith]

I would personally assume after multiple attempts to contact that they were no longer interested in putting the time into maintaining a friendship and/or that it no longer mattered to them, and wouldn't especially require it being rammed down my throat explicitly. I'm perceptive like that. I don't really need somebody to verbalize that they "can't" be friends with me, if it's already pretty obvious that that's the case.

[and1grad]

Most of that direct stuff was in regards to dating. Anyway, I'd much rather someone be constantly unable to do anything than them saying "Listen, that friendship from before, I'm over it. Peace."

[Krissy2006]

this is purely from a more passive approach. I would just let it fizzle out, OR just do SOMETHING with her, and than tell her you'll be very busy for awhile, and if she calls, continue to tell her your too busy. I know it sounds mean, but it won't be as direct as telling her you don't like her, and at the same time, you are indirectly letting her know that your not willing to put th etime in. Hope that helps... let us know how it all goes :)

[fuzmiq]

Most of that direct stuff was in regards to dating. Anyway, I'd much rather someone be constantly unable to do anything than them saying "Listen, that friendship from before, I'm over it. Peace."

Hee, hee. "Im over it. Peace." That's funny.

And words, I am with you on the perceptiveness thing. I have that too...Mine maybe veers toward paranoia a bit which is not good. Me thinks I perceive too much and too wrong sometimes. But if somebody stopped returning my calls, I would figure it out. But that is just me.

And no I don't need anyone specifically calling me telling me, "Hey, ya know what, I am gonna pass on the friendship thing with you. Thanks, anyway."

[Ciderhillnh]

Well then I guess Im a bitch for telling someone that I dont have time rather than drag it out and not pick up the phone or return calls.

I personally wouldnt want someone to just avoid me and hope I got the hint (even though if they did yes Im perceptive enough to get it)---Id rather them just be straight and tell me so that Im not wasting my time and theirs.

[wordsmith]

Most of that direct stuff was in regards to dating. Anyway, I'd much rather someone be constantly unable to do anything than them saying "Listen, that friendship from before, I'm over it. Peace."

Hah, word.

Also, if somebody were to say to me in all seriousness, "I'm sorry, but I just can't be friends with you right now," like it's a temporary situation, or they have to take a break from it, but maybe we can go back to it later, or something equally bizarre, I would probably give them a look like their head as rotating, anyway.

Politely declining invites you're not interested in accepting is a lot more tactful than saying, "Oh, and don't call me anymore or invite me to things, because I really don't like you and don't have time for you, so it's best if you don't keep putting me in the position of having to turn you down, dig?" And only a moron would require the latter to get the point.

[KCboy]

so, if you're dating someone, its perfectly okay to tell them politely to piss off.

but you can't do the same for a friend you haven't seen in years?

what's the difference in y'all's opinion?


I agree with the avoidance approach, but everyone seems to disagree when I say that in one of the "how do I break up with so-and-so" threads.

[wordsmith]

I don't tell anybody who likes me to piss off, politely or otherwise. It just isn't necessary.

If you're asking why you have to formally break up with somebody you've been in a relationship with if you no longer want the relationship, but why it's not necessary to formally break up with somebody you've been friends with if you no longer want the friendship, one reason is because relationships are generally by nature exclusive, friendships are not. There's no need to "break up," formally.

[Chameleon]

so, if you're dating someone, its perfectly okay to tell them politely to piss off.

but you can't do the same for a friend you haven't seen in years?

what's the difference in y'all's opinion?

If you break up with people by telling them to piss off, maybe the avoidance method is better for you. :eek:

If you avoid starting to date someone by being "busy", I think that's a valid out. If you are a relationship (dates, making out, sex) and you do the slow fade away or suddenly become busy, I think that's a little different than avoiding someone who hasn't been in your life for years and who you can't stand. Do you really owe someone who hasn't been in your life for a long time (who you haven't missed) as much respect as someone you are currently in a relationship with?

ETA: maybe respect is not the right word but I don't know how someone can't see the slow fade from an exclusive intimate relationship as anything other than cruel. A friendship that died years ago and one party does not want to rekindle would be more on par with the annoying ex from years back that keeps calling for a booty call. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

[KCboy]

If you're asking why you have to formally break up with somebody you've been in a relationship with if you no longer want the relationship, but why it's not necessary to formally break up with somebody you've been friends with if you no longer want the friendship, one reason is because relationships are generally by nature exclusive, friendships are not. There's no need to "break up," formally.

oh, I know in a relationship.

but I'm talking about the scenerios where you've been out on like 2 dates, or some guy got her number and she doesn't want to go out, etc

like this:
Once again, I gave my number to a guy that I have absolutely no interest in...

[KCboy]

actually, after re-reeading that thread, it looks like the honesty was just to avoid a stalker situation.

[Chameleon]

Off topic:

but I'm talking about the scenerios where you've been out on like 2 dates, or some guy got her number and she doesn't want to go out, etc
There were people that jumped in the thread you are referencing and called others names but I think it's really hard in the moment to tell someone to piss off. Many people admitted to avoiding taking calls or giving wrong numbers instead of telling a guy to his face that they weren't interested.

It's an incredibly awkward situation to be in to know that you aren't interested in but not feeling brazen or "bitchy" enough to tell them to leave you alone (how is he going to react? Is he going to be rude and call you a bitch? Will he harrass you? Will he keep badgering you for your number and not take "No" for an answer?). It sounded like guys would prefer to be told from the get-go that the women weren't really interested, but couldn't fathom that the women were having difficulty too.

[ScottyTheBody]

I don't know. I know I don't agree with going out a few times and ignoring or giving a few email backs and ignoring and doing the "oh yeah we should definitely get together sometime, I'm just so busy right now..." blowoff. Maybe, though I personally wouldn't do or like it, I can see giving a constantly busy or avoiding that person move because at least you're putting a signal OUT there rather than the occasional get together, then avoidance repeat.

I noticed quite a few repsonses being "does she deserve that kind of respect...". I think every human being deserves respect (but that's me I guess). I don't know if a formal breakup is required or a "piss off" type of response is needed but I think something should be said. Although, I do prefer directness. If someone has a problem with me, I prefer it to be known rather than hidden, but a lot of people just hide it under a put on an artificial kindness and I hate to say it but most of these people who I know that do this are women (though now that I think about it, there are a lot men that do this too).

The reason why I think something should be said is because of what happened to me.

I had a female "friend" in a city that I worked in on coop. Now, I liked hanging out with this girl (rare that I find a female friend) but she was a pretty busy person. I'd email and she'd respond back and she'd suggest we get together sometime. So then I'd say "I'm going to this whatever, wanna come?", she'd say she's busy but maybe next weekend. So then we'd email or talk on messenger and then try to get together again on the weekend and she'd be "busy". I tried one more time, and she'd be busy. The thing that ticked me off was that she didn't just say she was busy, but she'd say it like she's disappointed, and then suggest the next weekend very enthusiastically (so I thought maybe she's actually busy).

After the fourth time (which is extremely rare for me to take this many blowoffs), I stopped. I got an email two weeks later saying she hasn't heard from me in a while and wanting to know what's new and suggesting a place and time to get together. She shows up, brings a few friends and kind of ignores me. So whatever, I don't hang out with her again. Turns out, she was telling all these people that some guy was "stalking" her and she didn't want to appear "bitchy" by saying to me that she didn't want to hang out with me (funny thing is, I wasn't even attracted to her, but she was funny and I didn't have many friends in the city so I wanted to hang out with her).

I would much rather hear a terrible, blunt truth than a condescending but pleasant lie.

If I want to go out with my friends, and suggest a place and they don't really want to go, they'll honestly say "I don't feel like going" or if they really are busy or tired or whatever, they'll say that. That's it really. If they don't feel like getting together, they'll just say that and that's what's great about my friends. I'm never thinking, "are they really my friend?" or "are they really busy?" or "maybe we're hanging out too much and he/she wants me to back off a bit." or "did I do something wrong?" or "maybe I shouldn't have made that crack about them last night...they knew I was joking right?". I just know exactly where I stand.

[blue27]

this one was too interesting not to get in on..
with dating if I have only been out a couple times, I just cut it off, if we dated longer then we can have a conversation like hmm.. I just not feeling it.. or sometimes I would tell them.. I got back with my ex..I know a lie.. whatever..but if it was a boyfriend of course a formal break up essential.

ok with friends, kinda think it is better to taper it off, cause if you tell them the reason xyz, this can turn ugly, people want to know why.. but then when they find out why they get angry.. I know from experience.. I am one of people who would end the friendship by telling them how i felt..and it just made for an very uncomfortable situation..but I have been on the recieving end it sucked..but I eventually either confronted them directly if it was important enough.. or I let it go.. it depends on how important they were to me...if it was a very close friend we should have a really honest direct talk..

Since She is someone you don't like, so it is not that deep.. I say let if drift..cause I see it this way... you both live in Cinicinatti. you may run into her.. it will be more uncomfortable if you tell her xyz..this way if you see her you can again tell her you are busy and move on..she will get it after some time.

[Chameleon]

I got guilted into remaining friends with someone after telling her why I never wanted to see her again (she was a lying, self-absorbed drama queen and I was tired of the one-sided friendship and her blaming me for everything that went wrong). A couple more daggers in the back later, I decided to stop contacting her, stop accepting her invitations and completely phased her out. Best thing I ever did for myself. She's fine, still making enemies of every single female she's come in contact with.

If I don't like you, I don't spend time with you. I have a friend who will always complain about how she hates so-and-so but will still hang out with the person, she can't stand to not be liked and just can't say no or refuse a request to meet up. I'd rather a person refuse my company by saying they are busy than have them invite me to things and bitch about how horrible I am in the same breath.

[fuzmiq]

With this "friend" that called me recently, I kinda do want to get together with her to ask, "does it not seem odd to you that we haven't spoken in years? Do you not ask yourself why, after being together everyday? Why aren't we friends now?"
I can't imagine that she is so dense (there was a betrayal there about 7 years ago). I have moved on, but why she keeps contacting me once or twice a year, I will never know.

With friends, I don't think that it is necessary to break-up. Just do the "slow fade." People (most peopele) will get the hint.

[beeblebrox]

I have two situtations like that. One friend really initiated the slow fade on me after announcing her engagement and me not in her wedding. I visited her and put alot of effort into it and then had a busy summer with a new job and my grandmother being sick. She pretty much expected me to visit her and not the other way around. After the phone call about the engagement, she pretty much initiated it for me because now I don't have a strong interest in being her friend anymore. It became one way after awhile.

The other friend moved to Chicago around the same time that I did. I tried to make contact numerous times and nothing. I faded after saying screw you in my head to her. She moved to another country for a while and then recently came back to Chicago. This time she pretty much only wanted contact with me to help her on her job search, not be a friend. Like last time, I'm expecting her not to put forth any effort towards friendship. I'm done with the one way street thing in friendships. Sometimes it feels like they just take me for a sucker for punishment by trying to be their friend and them being bitches.

[mahlerssecond]

I have had a problem like this with a childhood friend for years. Thats a story for another thread.... Anyways I think you need have a dialogue with this other person to see what they want out of you, or a friendship with you. I also think you need to negotiate and set perimeters for this friendship.... only talk through email, only see each other once a year... etc. Hopefully an agreement can be reached that both parties like. As long as this person isn't a stalker or is dangerous, give it a try.