It's okay to be single.

[Lizanne440]

I've lived in the same house all my life, and known all the same friends for the last 15 years, and I think this is not healthy. I'm starting to get extremely frustrated with some of my friends, and I'm almost about to just tell them how I feel and possibly end the friendships. One is a 30-something who is dating some loser guy just because she is scared to be alone. She is flying back and forth to see him every weekend, even though she told me she doesn't feel any connection to him, it's purely sexual. If they get married [I]just[I] to get married, we're definitely not friends anymore. She will drop anything at the drop of a hat when he comes to visit. She'll cancel plans on me left and right, and I won't hear from her for days when she is with him. That's F***** up if you ask me. The other friend that's bugging is selfish and will also do anything for her bf, even though they're "on a break". This crazy dude is brainwashing her, and telling her they need a YEAR LONG break so she can "find" herself instead of getting lost in his world?! Um? I am so frustrated with girl friends who feel they are not capable of being single and independent, they'll date any guy that pays them any attention even if there's no feelings. On the contrary, I've pretty much always been single, and you would think I'd be a good role model for them, but no. Anyone else have problems with friends that are afraid to be single?

[Krishna]

One is a 30-something who is dating some loser guy just because she is scared to be alone. She is flying back and forth to see him every weekend, even though she told me she doesn't feel any connection to him, it's purely sexual. If they get married [I]just[I] to get married, we're definitely not friends anymore. She will drop anything at the drop of a hat when he comes to visit. She'll cancel plans on me left and right, and I won't hear from her for days when she is with him. That's F***** up if you ask me.

If she's honestly not happy and "not feeling any connection" than I agree that that's not cool. NO one should EVER give up contact with their friends no matter what type of relationship they are or are not in at the time. However, I would urge you not to end a friendship just because she may marry this guy. If she decides to do that and it doesn't work out, she'll need your friendship more than ever.

The other friend that's bugging is selfish and will also do anything for her bf, even though they're "on a break". This crazy dude is brainwashing her, and telling her they need a YEAR LONG break so she can "find" herself instead of getting lost in his world?! Um? I am so frustrated with girl friends who feel they are not capable of being single and independent, they'll date any guy that pays them any attention even if there's no feelings.

What part of that is the selfish part? The doing things for a guy she apparently cares about even though they're on a break part? I guess I just don't see it. I think you're being a bit harsh on her.

[wordsmith]

I also have a hard time being around people who seem afraid to be single, and are always with somebody, regardless of how negative or inappropriate the situation or person, simply due to the desire to be coupled up, because I really can't identify with it.

[shadeofgreen]

A former friend of mine is now engaged to a moron pot head because she always had it in her mind that she would marry her first serious boyfriend. And he's it! Nevermind that they've fought since the first moments of their relationship, and I've actually seen him call her an f-ing c***, and make her cry, and not even flinch about it. But she's gonna marry him, because that was her plan!

Makes me sick. And if I ever seemed the least bit unhappy about their relationship it was, "why can't you just be happy for me?" So I went with the idea of being there for her when the shit hit the fan, but after a while I realized I was the one being dragged around and emotionally abused by her. Thus the "former friend" title she now carries.

Sorry, that could be a whole separate thread.

[Chameleon]

Sorry, that could be a whole separate thread.
It's along the same vein - friends making stupid relationship choices and chosing not to be dragged down by their insanity.

I think a certain amount of distance is appropriate when friends are in self-destruct mode so that you don't enable them and you don't get sucked into their self-inflicted misery. If you've been honest with them and you are tired of banging your head against the same wall, you have to decide how much distance you need to keep yourself sane, that might mean reducing the frequency of contact, making relationship talks off-limits or leaving the friendship.

[Ciderhillnh]

I think thats total crap! If you're someones friend, you're there through thick and thin.

You say what you think honestly....and then if they keep doing whatever you deem as insane....well let them......its THEIR choice.

Everyone here complains about friends abandoning them, or falling off the face of the Earth...so if you complain about it.....certainly dont do that to your friends...because that seems rather hypocritical.

Just because you dont agree with what a friend is doing, or think its insane...it doesnt mean its insane to them.....stick by your friends.....you'd probably want them to stick around should you go 'insane' at some point too.

(this is a general post and not directed at any single poster so please dont anyone feel singled out)

[shadeofgreen]

I think thats total crap! If you're someones friend, you're there through thick and thin.

You say what you think honestly....and then if they keep doing whatever you deem as insane....well let them......its THEIR choice.
When that choice starts to include trying to put her misery on me, I'm not interested in playing the game anymore. It's been a tumultuous friendship for a few years now, and I forgave everything and took the blame she put on me even though, in hindsight, I never deserved it.

I agree with your first statement. If you are someone's friend, then you stand by them. It got to the point where I wasn't her friend anymore, I was her scapegoat and her emotional punching bag, which doesn't interest me.

If my boyfriend treated me the way she treated me, all my friends would be telling me to get the hell out. It was one of those toxic relationships that people on here like to talk about.

Sorry for the semi-threadjack.

[fuzmiq]

No matter what Cinder says, it is F***** up to ditch a friend for a guy. I have had it done to me. If someone values you, they wouldn't do that. When one of my best friends and I were first getting to know each other, she would do this. I put my foot down and told her that that is not how I do friendships and she changed. Honestly some people just don't know.
If ditching you is a dealbreaker (in a friendship) then you have to tell them that...if you want to continue the friendship.

[wordsmith]

I have to agree...a friend who is only there for YOU if there's no guy on the horizon, and otherwise is incommunicado or habitually makes no time for you isn't much of a friend.

[fxskier]

I also have a hard time being around people who seem afraid to be single, and are always with somebody, regardless of how negative or inappropriate the situation or person, simply due to the desire to be coupled up, because I really can't identify with it.

Same here. I actually told a former friend off over this- and the friendship besicalyl ended. He was constantly in very short-term dysfunctional relationships and it got to the point that I could never carry on a conversation with the guy w/o him trying to talk me into spending every second of the day trying to meet women- and when I would say that it isn't happening now (actively pursuing relationships- I'm not opposed to being in the right one) due to simple time and responsibility commitments, he would get borderline offended :rolleyes:. I don't need anyone trying to make me feel inferior based on my relationship status.

[HollyM]

"I also have a hard time being around people who seem afraid to be single, and are always with somebody, regardless of how negative or inappropriate the situation or person, simply due to the desire to be coupled up, because I really can't identify with it."

Glad I'm not the only one who feels like this... I had a disagreement with one of my friends over this issue. She was single and having an affair with a married man at work. When I told her that she should stop seeing him as he was getting to have his cake and eat it whereas she was endagering her job with the situation she didn't understand. Perhaps it's a personality thing, I've always enjoyed my own company and would far rather be on my own than with somebody I didn't care for to fit in with my friends or for status reasons. Also it's not the 18th Century anymore, it's perfectly OK to be single.

[blue27]

hmm.. I have a friend and when she got a boyfriend she would forgot other people existed, when i got a boyfriend I kinda unintentially did the same thing too..and all my friends who said they would never get wrapped up in a relationship turned around and did the same when they meet someone to be with..from my experience.. least when we were younger and we were experiencing the first love bug..

now that I am older..I have learned how to balance friends, family and a boyfriends.. you just make an effort to see everyone..now i don't feel that I can't be alone..been single for years at times.. and then other times, i can find all kind of interesting people to date..I don't think I would cut off a friend over this though..cause I have seen the most die hard gal pals get caught up in a love cacoon every once and awhile.. which is to me no biggie..but if the relationship was abusive meaning he was abusive to her and she tried to turn me into a punching bag to deal with it, that would be a deal breaker.. I mean it is ok if you fall so oh in love with a great guy/girl..from my experience the relationships my friends have had were not abusive..thank God.

[arrow]

"Love cacoon"... I love it!!

I have had a tendency to get trapped in those "love cacoons" early in relationships, often because I end up dating private guys who don't go out a lot, and I just want to be with them all the time. But eventually I come out of it and start hanging out again. It isa balance.

Like everyone says though, it's one thing to be there for your friend when she's caught up in a bad relationship that's hard to escape. It's another if she's taking it out on you, and you shouldn't stick around to be a punching bag.

[SWMOchick]

I've lived in the same house all my life, and known all the same friends for the last 15 years, and I think this is not healthy. I'm starting to get extremely frustrated with some of my friends, and I'm almost about to just tell them how I feel and possibly end the friendships. One is a 30-something who is dating some loser guy just because she is scared to be alone. She is flying back and forth to see him every weekend, even though she told me she doesn't feel any connection to him, it's purely sexual. If they get married [I]just[I] to get married, we're definitely not friends anymore. She will drop anything at the drop of a hat when he comes to visit. She'll cancel plans on me left and right, and I won't hear from her for days when she is with him. That's F***** up if you ask me. The other friend that's bugging is selfish and will also do anything for her bf, even though they're "on a break". This crazy dude is brainwashing her, and telling her they need a YEAR LONG break so she can "find" herself instead of getting lost in his world?! Um? I am so frustrated with girl friends who feel they are not capable of being single and independent, they'll date any guy that pays them any attention even if there's no feelings. On the contrary, I've pretty much always been single, and you would think I'd be a good role model for them, but no. Anyone else have problems with friends that are afraid to be single?
While I really want someone to share my life with, I am very happy to say that I'm glad I know that I'm perfectly capable of making it on my own.

Your friend flies back and forth to see this guy? That's gotta be expensive. I have a friend that I'm willing to drive 2 1/2 hours to see, but not every weekend. Especially when I don't believe that connection is there.

I have a few friends who drive me nuts by jumping from one guy to the next. I tell them that they just need to try to be on their own for a little while. Hell, even if it's just a few weeks. They won't. It's like they don't feel like they're worth anything unless they're on some guy's arm.

I'll admit that I go through some pretty hard, lonely times, but I'm not about to settle on someone just because I know they'll be there. Neither one of us would deserve that.

Anyway, I feel your frustration

[badabing]

Being single rocks! Its so important to be able to be ok by yourself, and not need to be in a relationship. A person needs to find themselves in themselves, not in others.

[The Happy Hodag]

I hate to say it, but this is part of the reason I'm single right now. I just don't want to be the guy some girls settles on just to validate her existance. I know they're out there, even my sister was one of them. I figure it's a grey area as to whether it's worth it to keep or lose friends over this because I know there are two extremes here, but you just gotta do what's best for yourself at this point. If you're just being used by someone - anyone - get out.

-The Happy Hodag!

[marigoldny]

Being single rocks! Its so important to be able to be ok by yourself, and not need to be in a relationship. A person needs to find themselves in themselves, not in others.

well said! i completely agree with you on this. i've also been single pretty much all my life (out of choice) and i know that i am okay and happy with myself. i think this will definitely help me when a right guy comes along.

if your friends bug you because of their dating loser guys then you need to reconsider your friendships. is a friend's dating history/actions really a reason to terminate a friendship? are there other things in your friendships that are worth keeping? look outside the dating box and then decide on these other factors (loyalty, common interests, etc.).

[Dirty Sanchez]

Here is my take: Friends who ditch you for a guy; and friends who drag you down just suck, and should be phased out.

But, you are not *in* the relationship, so it's not really your place to *judge* the relationship. (ie, OP, this is directed at you claiming your friend is going to marry her LDBF "just to get married" - you don't know that. If she just wanted a fuckbuddy, she prob wouldn't be getting on an airplane for example.)

[NewMrs.]

Anyone else have problems with friends that are afraid to be single?


Yes, I know several people who used to be like this or are currently like this. It is emotionally exhausting to be friends with people like this. I was single for most of my life up until shortly after my 26 birthday, and while it bothered me, I was more bothered by my talented, educated friends who were obsessesed with "finding a man."

Several of the people who I know who used to be obsessed with trying to find boyfriends are now divorced.

[southernlove]

Hi! My name is Southern and I"m 23 years old. I''ve never been married, I don't have kids, I'm content being single and not scared of relationships. I refuse to settle for less than I deserve and I feel sorry for those that do. I have had the opportunity to settle, and I passed it up. Being from a small town in the deep south my friends and I are expected to marry in our early twenties. Many of my friends have married, some have divorced and when they do they almost immediately jump into another relationship where they either get knocked up or engaged. I'm sorry I want something that is going to last and that is what I want, even if I have to put up with questions like "why don't you find y ou a nice boy and get married?" or "and when are you going to finally get married" or "now honey, time is running out!" I refuse to be with someone just to be with someone. I am not afraid of commitment, but I"m not addicted to it either. Glad to know there are others out there that feel the same!
:p