Perfectionist But Dissatisfied With Life

[perfectbutnot]

Sorry if my post is random and disconnected, it was a spur of the moment venting session...just so things make sense, I have an awesome life - or so everyone tells me - and don't have to worry about the stuff everyone else worries about (i.e. job, money, relationships, etc.), but i'm not happy with it......

Why am I so unique? Why does everything seem so easy to me and yet so hard? I really actually hate how I have to speak in riddles to describe my feelings and my emotions. I hate this yin-yang bullshit. But seems like that's the only way I can explain it.

Been thinking about feelings a lot more lately. How they are so fickle. How it seems like a lot of people have such better control and understanding over their emotions. But what if they're just faking it? Like I am. How can you know what's really out there? How can you truly understand how someone is feeling and thinking? It's all too crazy.

I keep thinking that I'm so lucky too. I'm lucky that I'm blessed (I even hate using this word because of its implications) with such great talents. I'm tall, handsome, athletic, smart and I have a way of looking at the world that is so different from everyone else. How many people would give up a lot to swap places with me? Too many. How many people would I be willing to swap places with? Nobody. And yet I go about life each day scared of other people. Other people. But when I engage in conversation with these people. When I play basketball with them. When I come in touch with their lives. It's completely different. I could be in someone's company for 5 minutes and feel as if I've known them for my whole life. That even if I don't like them or are uncomfortable, I don't want them to go away. I get so comfortable so fast. And I never want to leave that. I'm so scared of change. But even more, I'm scared of how luck is associated with change. It's ironic, me, of all people, scared of luck. I typically won't even admit to believing in luck. But at the same time, I understand that there is variance and probability involved in everything, that not everything works out. And this mindset applies not just to people's individual actions, but to people's whole fucking lives. There must be probability and variance associated with the outcomes of people's fucking lives! How fucking scary is that? Shit.

And yet, why should I complain? Why should I, an individual that probably came out in the right end of the probability distribution, complain? I dunno, it just messes with my mind. It scares me that I can have all the right intentions, work my ass off, want it with all my heart, and still get fucked in the end. It scares me because I have to have this perfect working of the world. Everything must have its causes and effects. There must be karma - even though I publicly argue that karma is bullshit. I want to believe it, I have to believe it. Kinda like how I always am so adamantly against the existence of god. I always laugh it off, rationalizing it to myself that these idiots who believe in god are using it as a copout. That's it's a bunch of horseshit. How can you believe in that nonsense? But I want to believe it. I have wanted to believe it for so long now. But I deny it. It's compensation for such trauma, and I don't even know where that trauma came from to make me hate the concept of god so much.

Even now, it scares the shit out of me that I'm talking this way. I don't want my ideas to change, I don't want my perfect, comfortable vision of the world to change. I want things to stay perfect. And even if they're not, I can trick myself into thinking so. Yea, I'm a fucking hypocrite, but nobody needs to know.

Going back to the subject of my fear of interacting with people. This doesn't make sense either. If I am one of the lucky few on the good end of the probability spectrum of life, then why am I scared to talk to people - especially if when I do, there are usually good results? It doesn't make any sense. If anything, they should be lucky to talk to me! And yet, it scares the shit out of me to pick up the phone and call someone. It's as if somehow they will see my imperfection. That they will debunk me of my faith in the world I've built around myself.

It's ironic because I'm so against change, and that's why I'm so adamant when I argue about something I believe in. I reverse engineer the argument to fit my point of view. And yet, I consider myself a contrarion, someone that always is looking to improve, to challenge my opinions. Bullshit! God, I'm such a fucking hypocrite that it disgusts me.

So I keep going on, living life the way I have been. Yes, I've changed a lot of the last few years considerably. Yes, I have all these great things going on in my life. Yes. Yes. Yes. But there is always this lingering doubt that says NO! in my mind. And it never goes away. When will it go away? Seriously, I just want to live each day satisfied - or do I really? I don't even know what I fucking want. I have all these goals and work so hard and have gotten so far. Yet, I don't even know where I'm going! Can you believe that? It's like I'm blind and want to drive 150 mph just so I can get somewhere. Is society the driving factor behind my motivation and my "goals"? Where am I going with my life?

It really disgusts me. All of it. It's funny, because just an hour ago, I was driving home. I noticed that I always want to get ahead of the crowd. I always have to drive 80 mph - 90 mph - 100 mph. I have to lead the pack. But today for some reason (maybe because I'm tired) I thought it'd be a good idea to slow down. So I did. I drove like 5 mph below the speed limit. Fucking slow. I watched everyone else speed by me. It was a mindblowing experience. This is what it's like...all those other people that I'm always zooming past. What's their hurry? Why do they feel the need to always be in a rush? What's my hurry? Why am I in such a rush? Why do I always need to "get ahead"? Not just on the road, but in life?

Then again, I sometimes wish I could drive 120 mph in the middle of nowhere just for the hell of it. Maybe that's what I'm doing. But that doesn't help. I need a destination. I need a why. Life is just a fucking joke with no punch line. A trick. An illusion.

[winneythepooh7]

I know the feelings you describe. While I am certainly not "rich" (at least financially) by any means, on the outside, I feel like I probably have a pretty good life---pretty good job, okay salary, getting married in a few months, good family----I too though sometimes feel like something is "missing", or "is this all life has to offer?" I think though you said the key in your post, about the need to just slow down and relax sometimes, because we often do get caught up with the day to day madness and "getting ahead" like you pointed out, and then it doesn't put us in a very good place, either. I also think for a lot of us, we will always long for something in our life that we do not have, whatever that may be, and not always appreciate the good that we DO have.

[tiredreporter]

Been thinking about feelings a lot more lately. How they are so fickle. How it seems like a lot of people have such better control and understanding over their emotions. But what if they're just faking it? Like I am. How can you know what's really out there? How can you truly understand how someone is feeling and thinking? It's all too crazy.

Wow there is a lot going on in your post. I'm not going to comment on all of it but I can say I totally relate to this statement. I definitely feel like I have to fake it when it comes to my emotions. I was really upset about something having to do with my pt job I didn't go back for a week. When I went back the supervisor asked me how I was doing. I said fine because I'm so preprogrammed to say fine or good when someone says how are you. She says really you're fine. Then I decided to be honest and say no I'm not fine, but I'm faking it. People have to pretend in this world because very few people are truly concerned about your well-being in my opinion.


It really disgusts me. All of it. It's funny, because just an hour ago, I was driving home. I noticed that I always want to get ahead of the crowd. I always have to drive 80 mph - 90 mph - 100 mph. I have to lead the pack. But today for some reason (maybe because I'm tired) I thought it'd be a good idea to slow down. So I did. I drove like 5 mph below the speed limit. Fucking slow. I watched everyone else speed by me. It was a mindblowing experience. This is what it's like...all those other people that I'm always zooming past. What's their hurry? Why do they feel the need to always be in a rush? What's my hurry? Why am I in such a rush? Why do I always need to "get ahead"? Not just on the road, but in life?

No offense but I can't stand people on the road like this. Congratulations on slowing down for once. I always says hey where's the fire? Is somebody dying or having a baby? There's no need to drive 100 mph. Do you want to kill someone because you're going too fast and suddenly have to slow down or hit the brakes?
As far as slowing down in life, I like to think of the saying that life is a journey not a destination or there's a line in a song about life being a marathon not a track meet. That seems to help me be more patient about my situation.

[Kragthorpe]

Same here...I'm an offensive driver. I have to be in front because I want to see all the way to the horizon. BUT, if I see someone coming up on me in the same way, I'll deliberately set up to block them in where they can't pass and then drop it down to 55 just to piss them off. I had one guy on the highway wave a gun at me once. I let HIM pass.

[sparky88]

Going back to the subject of my fear of interacting with people. This doesn't make sense either. If I am one of the lucky few on the good end of the probability spectrum of life, then why am I scared to talk to people - especially if when I do, there are usually good results? It doesn't make any sense. If anything, they should be lucky to talk to me! And yet, it scares the shit out of me to pick up the phone and call someone. It's as if somehow they will see my imperfection. That they will debunk me of my faith in the world I've built around myself.



I can completely understand how you feel on this! I have been in sales for the past 5 years (inside/outside B2B, and also door to door). When I first started down this career path I thought the anxiety I felt when making calls and/or going on customer sites would eventually go away. It has not- every single call and visit is a mindf***. I literally shake, and have a hard time speaking/breathing. And it's not because I don't believe in the company, product, etc...it's that I don't believe in myself. However, I achieve good results and everyone that meets me seems to like me right away. Anyways, I think a lot of people deal with this kind of social anxiety (or however you want to classify it). Anyways, good luck to you.