Lonely with no friends

[shorty]

For those of you with little to no friends, what do you do? When I'm not at work, I find myself bored and lonely and it sucks. I've been trying to occupy my time with volunteering and hobbies, but it still gets lonely sometimes.

For those of you who were in this situation but aren't in it anymore, what did you do to change it? I've tried meeting people through activities, classes, Craigslist, randomly on the street, etc... The people I've met have been okay, but we haven't clicked for some reason or another and it just kinda fades away.

I know part of it is me, but I've been trying to work on that (being more friendly and open to other people, not dismissing someone right away or expecting instant connections, etc). I really don't know what to do anymore. It's also kind of hard because I never really had good friends when I was growing up, so I missed out on a lot of that stuff. I think that really kind of affected the way I interact with people. But it doesn't help that I keep feeling like I'm missing out on the interaction with friends. And talking with people online is all fine and dandy, but it's really not the same as being able to go out with a friend or just physically hang out with each other.

I'm not the kind of person that needs a bunch of friends either. I just wish I had a few (2-3) really good, close friends (and maybe some acquaintances). I know it's harder to meet people after college though, so I'd be happy just to have a few okay (even if they're not so close) friends to hang out with. It just gets really lonely sometimes. Today's the fourth of July, it's nice out... and I've spent practically the whole day alone in my little apartment. :cry:

[PenforPrez]

I'm the same way. All of my friends are married or in a serious relationship or work two jobs or whatever, so I never have anybody to hang out with. I've learned to just deal with going out alone. I go out to eat alone, I go to concerts and events alone, I travel by myself, etc. It's never easy, but it's either that or staying home, which I just don't want to do. Others here will tell you the same thing.

Today's the fourth of July, it's nice out... and I've spent practically the whole day alone in my little apartment.

I spent the whole day here with my parents, who drive me up the wall. That's not much better. Thank goodness I took a long nap. :)

Hope this helps!

Paul

[SWMOchick]

I find that I let myself get into the same state of mind more frequently than I would like. The thought of looking to the internet in order to interact with people or make friends sometimes makes me feel worse, truth be told. Especially when I prefer to be social in person. I much prefer personal interaction. I don't have any advice to give you on how to get over it or past it. I guess I can just offer you the comfort in knowing that you're not the only one. Sometimes that helps.

[fuzmiq]

I can think of 2 girls who have recently told me that they do pretty much everything alone. It kinda sucks. You gotta go get involved with stuff that you like to do. Like, I love salsa and swing dancing, pretty much most, if not all of my current friends and soon to be friends are from this pool of people.

I don't know if you like social dancing, but if you are interested in finding friends, it is a really easy way to do it. It provides built in interaction. Where else would you meet someone and within a few minutes be in their arms (not romantically...but can be :) )

[wordsmith]

I have friends, but most of my favorite ones live far away, and the local ones, I'm honestly not that close to, so don't seek them out often.

I tend to just do a lot of things alone, or with my family/siblings. If I didn't have a family that I was close to and do a lot with, I'd probably be pretty lonely.

[cheshrcarol]

I just moved to a new city in May, and I haven't made any real good friends to hang out with outside of work yet. So I basically go off and do stuff by myself, if I feel like getting out. Or I chill around the house and enjoy being able to relax. I like to go out to the mall, go walk around the city, take pictures, check out parks I haven't been to, grab food at restaurants that I'm ok with eating by myself at (the kind where you typically order at a counter, as opposed to having a waiter.)

I've realized that if you really want friends, you have to make a consistent effort. Why do you think you didn't connect with the people you've met? What kind of people do you think you'd be able to form more of a lasting friendship with?

[Chameleon]

I'd like to second the social dance recommendation, even though I don't go dancing as much, I still keep in contact with people from the dance scene. It took suggesting/accepting an invitation to an activity outside the dance realm and allowing a friendship to grow from there. There still was a large number of attempts that fizzled (some people prefer a superficial connection, don't have the compatible temperaments or are really flaky MFs).

There's also nothing wrong with being able to do things you enjoy by yourself - there's a better chance of meeting likeminded people if you do venture out on your own than if you sit at home bemoaning the shortage of people that like to do what you like to do.

shorty, keep putting yourself out there doing the things you like to do, if you focus on enjoying the activity, (at the risk of sounding all new age-y) you put out a positive vibe which will draw more people to you and meeting people becomes a cool fringe benefit to an already fun and satisfying activity.

[wordsmith]

They day that I got over going out to eat alone (like, really going out to eat, not drivethrough or carryout) was one of the bigger personal comfortability level triumphs of my life.

[fuzmiq]

I agree. If you keep doing an activity you like, you will be a happier person and in turn people will be drawn to your energy.

Also, words, I had to get over my restaraunt eating alone thing too. That was a big step for me. Now, its not a big deal at all.

[wordsmith]

It's definitely greatly improved by always having reading material with you.

[caostotale]

shorty, keep putting yourself out there doing the things you like to do, if you focus on enjoying the activity, (at the risk of sounding all new age-y) you put out a positive vibe which will draw more people to you and meeting people becomes a cool fringe benefit to an already fun and satisfying activity.

I do the things I like all the time (play as a musician, read books and discuss them, paint and sketch things) but people in my area seem to be far more interested in getting drunk and sulking about work, relationships, and other mindlessness. I honestly have more comfort on my own than with my peers, who seem to have hidden away a lot of their hobbies and interests after they entered the malaise of the work world. I hate feeling like I'm one of the only 25+ year old people who's not slumping around like they're 40 already.

The salsa-dancing/automatic interaction thing is definitely a nice idea and I wish that some kind of forum for musicians existed to abet those kind of things. Open mics these days are so wretchedly "individualistic" (which means 5-10 pretentious "individuals" doing solo acts that sound just like whatever emo or Jack Johnson crap they listen to) and everyone's scared off of concepts of a wild and impromptu jam session with musicians you (GASP) may have never met before! It goes to show you that while, yes, individualism is great, it also causes people to have a lot of trouble getting over themselves.

[cheshrcarol]

I tend to bring my computer if I'm going to eat alone. I can sit and read my message boards, chat on aim, surfing other stuff or do schoolwork.

I have not ever gone to a sit-down, waiter/waitress takes your order kind of place by myself yet.

[tiredreporter]

I feel your pain. I work a lot, so I don't have much spare time. I also find that it gets to be difficult financially hanging out with friends whether it's the gas money to get to their house or go places or just spending money on some activity like movies or eating out.

I spent most of yesterday by myself too. I went to the movies alone, then went over to my dad's house so I wouldn't have to go back to my empty apartment. My half-sister and her mother went off to the city to see fireworks and didn't invite me or my dad (I wouldn't have felt comfortable with them anyway) and my dad went off to watch TV in another room. I felt so alone. I tried to call people only to get voicemails. I finally wound up talking to my good friend in Texas.

I've never had a lot of close friends and I've usually been a more one-on-person also with the few friends I do have. My high school friends live in another state but we do keep in touch. I didn't really make anything besides acquaintances in college so no one to keep in touch with there. My other friends are all ex coworkers but once I leave a job it is very difficult to keep in touch with them.

I posted an ad on craigslist for friends and got a few replies. I am also going to try meetup.com.

[marigoldny]

what has helped me meet some great people that later turned into my friends/acquaintances was becoming a regular at this bar/lounge by my school. another thing was going to the same book store by my house and reading/studying there. like you, i enjoy spending some time alone especially with a good read and a nice hot drink but i have met some nice and interesting people in the process. i say being seen often at the same place can help build some networking and friendships. give it a try...find a local place that you like to spend time in and see what happens.

[mahlerssecond]

I was in the same boat until I joined a small church here a couple of years ago. I now have all sorts of people I would call friends. Find a place that is very social and take advantage of activites outside of Sunday.
Also I have some folks that I associate with through volunteering in the community. Find what you enjoy or a cause that you feel strongly about and help out with it.

[shorty]

I've tried to put myself out there before. It's just really hard, especially if nothing seems to work and then I get kinda depressed about it. I've been trying to figure out why it's not working and I'm trying to be more open about meeting people. I think one reason why it's hard is because I'm afraid of how people will react when they find out that I'm basically a loner, so that kinda makes me feel like I have to hide part of who I am. I know how some people act when they find out stuff like that. I recently had a "friend" basically publicly make fun of me for that and it really hurts.

I know I'll have to go through some pain to get out there and make friends, but sometimes it's so damn hard. I'll go through cycles where I'm really trying to go out and meet people. But then I'll get depressed and withdrawn when nothing seems to work.

I just really don't know what to do anymore.

[Chameleon]

I know how some people act when they find out stuff like that. I recently had a "friend" basically publicly make fun of me for that and it really hurts.
If your "friend" knew you were really sensitive about being a loner, your "friend" was an ass. There is nothing wrong with being a loner, there's no need to hide that (people might sense that you feel there's something wrong with you and wrongly assume its some big dark secret or joke fodder).

Easier said than done, but when someone is being a jerk to you, it's because they are jerks (or clueless clods) not because there is something wrong with you. Stop internalizing THEIR dysfunction. You'll find out sooner or later, why not find out up front that they can be assholes so you can stir clear of them? And do please call them on stuff like that if they are being hurtful, maybe they think they are just being funny.

You sound braver than most, shorty, loner or not. When things get too rough, take some time to enjoy being alone and be comfortable in your skin before putting yourself back out there, if that's what you want.

[fuzmiq]

Fear of what people think has been a big hurdle for me too in my life. But you know what, you just gotta jump. People are gonna think what they think...and at the end of the day...SO WHAT!

Was this person a good person? Was this person going to enrich your life? Was this person a true blue friend? If the answer to all these questions is no, then good riddance!!!

That has been my motto lately, SO WHAT! Keep the people that are good to you close and the rest (if they are not willing to change) discard 'em. Life is too short...I already spent a minute writing about these people and that is even too much!

[wordsmith]

I do care what SOME people think. When I was a kid/teen, I felt like I was THE most self-conscious person in the world...constantly worried about what people thought of me, from people I respected down to people who really, really sucked, for some reason. Just insecurity. But over time, it stopped making sense to worry about the opinions of people you could care less about. I have a very select list of people whose opinions of me I actually really do value, and they're the only ones I really worry about. If others want to be critical, my general thought is, "Meh, who are YOU, anyway? Next."

[CityGal]

OP, I feel your pain. For all of my life, I have been somewhat of a loner. It's mostly due to the different kinds of activities I like to do. For example, I like to go rock climbing, play tennis, dancing, bar hopping, galleries, operas, etc. It is really hard to find someone who enjoys some of the things I do, and it is especially hard to find someone who likes to do everything I do. For a few years, I did find someone that enjoyed doing almost all the things I did, but we had a major falling out. Currently, we are on speaking terms but it isn't like it was before, and I'm afraid it will never get there again. For the most part, I have accepted my lonely life, but it gets really annoying to see others doing things together.

Recently, I invited a few people over to my apartment for some beers and only two people showed up – what’s worse is that they came at separate times so it was a major bore bc they left within 30 mins. I am well aware that I gave people a last minute notice but whenever they give me those I usually tend to show up. It just really sucks to know that some people can decide at the last minute to have a shindig and have loads of people come over, while I don’t get half of that. Actually, that is one of the main things I am trying to figure out. I get invited to events and show up but when I do the inviting or the hosting barely anyone shows up. It’s like some people have the certain magnetism and I don’t. I just don’t get it. They tell me I’m fun and cool to hang out with but they never show up for me. Oops, thread jacking a bit. At any rate, thanks for your post and know that you are not the only one that suffers with this.

[marigoldny]

OP, I feel your pain. For all of my life, I have been somewhat of a loner. It's mostly due to the different kinds of activities I like to do. For example, I like to go rock climbing, play tennis, dancing, bar hopping, galleries, operas, etc. It is really hard to find someone who enjoys some of the things I do, and it is especially hard to find someone who likes to do everything I do.



Who says you need to find someone that shares ALL of your interests? I think it is more fun and interesting to meet different people while participating in each activity. It makes your friend pool a lot bigger and you get to broaden your horizons as to what else is out there to do for fun. I say don't limit yourself to who your friends can be. Many of my friends are complete opposites and that is what I love about them. Put all together in the same room and it makes for such interesting convos. Instead of separating these friends, try uniting them over your place or maybe invite a person you see regularly while playing tennis out dancing or to a gallery...

[CityGal]

I don't necessarily want someone to share in everything I do, but it would be nice to have someone who likes to do at least two or three of the things I do. I've tried several times having my friends hang out with each other and it doesn't work at all. Some may mix well but a lot just feel out of place.

[HollyM]

I can sympathise with where you are coming from on this with how hard it is to make friends. All of these suggestions may not be for you but the things that have really helped me are joining a club doing an activity you enjoy and travelling. I was never sporty at school and used to try to do shortcuts whenever we had to do a cross country run but to lose weight after uni and because I had a wierd idea about one day doing a marathon I joined a local running club. I've been going for nearly 4 years now and have met so many nice people who I have trained with, gone on holiday with and spent many evenings and weekends socialising with. If you meet people in these situations there's a much greater chance that you'll have things in common rather than going to a bar in the hope of meeting with someone you'll get on with. Also travelling alone really helped, it made me much more relaxed about meeting people because you do it all the time. Also it's a good way of getting over the fear because unless you're a complete loner eventually you'll push yourself to speak to people you don't know because you'll need to interact with people. There's nothing wrong with having a solitary side, some people want to be surrounded with people all the time but if that's not for you then there's nothing wrong with that. To be honest I think it's more emotionally healthy to enjoy your own company. Also echoing what other people have said if your friends make you feel bad about yourself or upset you then let them go, life's too short!

[shorty]

One reason why the thing with the friend is so upsetting to me is because I thought we were kinda close. But over the past few months, things seem to have changed. And I know people change, but things have happened that make me wonder about the whole time we knew each other (just a little over a year). Plus, he's the only one I really hung out with but we do it less often now, and I guess part of me is afraid of losing him because then I'll truly be alone. I know that's a stupid reason for hanging onto someone though and I'm trying to tell myself that I can only do so much before the friendship is over.

I don't necessarily want someone to share in everything I do, but it would be nice to have someone who likes to do at least two or three of the things I do. I've tried several times having my friends hang out with each other and it doesn't work at all. Some may mix well but a lot just feel out of place.

I feel the same way. I know that it's a bit unrealistic to expect friends to share in everything you do. But I wish I had a friend who liked to do some things with me, or even try new things with me. But sometimes it seems like people are so set in their ways (and their friendships) even at this relatively early age.

I know I could try joining a group of some sort. It doesn't always work. And I always feel weird at first because I feel like some sort of intruder into their private group, unless someone tries to make me feel welcome. I'm not the kind of person who can automatically make conversation with a group of strangers (if I were, then I probably wouldn't be having this problem). I guess it's worth a shot though.

Thanks for all your notes, everyone. It still sucks being alone, but I don't feel as bad about it now. :0

[southernlove]

I understand too! I went through a bad break up a few years ago and in it I lost 95% of my friends... well I told most of them to go to **** (I was engaged and the day me and FI broke up my MOH tried to sleep with him- I've had friend trust issues since) But since I've moved to a new town, a large town, and I just haven't made any friends that I like enough to hang out with. I have some ppl from work but most are married or have kids. And it seems like all of my good friends have moved off in the past year so I spend most of my weekends at home. I can't remember the last time I actually went out. It would be nice to find someoneclose by to just go and do things with from time to time. I guess it just takes time...

[capella]

Hmm, clearly you're not alone in this feeling. ;) That should make you feel better. I go in cycles with friends and loneliness. Some of it is because when I was growing up I never really made a lot of close friends.

When I was little (up to age 12) I lived in an apartment complex and I was a latchkey kid. It was a cruddy neighborhood and my mom was ADAMANT about me not going outside to play after school since she didn't get home until 6 and she probably would have gotten in trouble for leaving me alone.

Then I moved to an Army base and people come and go there every year. It's hard to make good friends when people are always leaving. You either get really good at making new friends or you isolate yourself. My best friend moved at the end of 9th grade and that was really the last BEST friend kind of friendship I've had with another female. My SO has been in my best friend role ever since then and I know that that's not necessarily healthy and that I need girlfriends. :p

For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me. But as I've grown older I just realize that it's not easy to maintain friendships and it takes work on the part of both parties. Some people are willing to put in the effort or at a part of life where they CAN put in the effort and some aren't. Some aquaintances never form into full friendships, some friendships fizzle over time, and sometimes you don't get a clear reason why. And usually it's NOT your fault.

I like what Chameleon said, "Don't internalize their dysfunction." That is great advice because when friendships didn't form I used to tend to look for what I did wrong. Sometimes it's NOT YOU! Sometimes they are jerks or they aren't capable of being a good friend and you didn't do anything wrong.

I've found the biggest killer to my social life was burnout from work, lack of time, and not having disposable money. (You'd think if I was working so much that I was burning out I'd have more than enough money, but that's a whole other topic. :p )

When I was suffering from burnout I would isolate myself because I just couldn't take anymore emotional drainage. I wanted to socialize more to try and relieve the stress, but I didn't have any emotional reserve to pull from. That was bad. So you have to take care of yourself first.

Social lives are expensive. It's great to tell someone, "Oh, just get a hobby!" Well, hobbies cost money and if you're short on that then what do you do? That advice might work for some people, but others.. not so much. The obvious answer would be that you should find people who want to do free stuff or cheap stuff. But you don't go from meeting someone to BBQ next Saturday very often. There is some lag time at the start where you have to spend money to socialize and build up a friendship that gets to the chill out at my house level.

I've also had trouble finding people NEAR enough to where I live that I have time and desire to hang out. I had a nice circle of friends growing last year, but I got tired of driving 40-50 minutes to hang out. They always wanted to do stuff on a weeknight too, which made the drive a little more of a hassle. I kind of just dropped out from hanging out with them. I was sick of driving so far to buy $10 fancy drinks at some trendy bar and be with people who really didn't understand WHY I just wanted to grill some steak and shoot the shit. I don't need $10 drinks to relax. :rolleyes:

Anyhow, this is plenty long enough. Just know you're not alone and it's difficult. There isn't anything wrong with you. :)

[winneythepooh7]

It's hard. Most of my close friends live far away or work a lot so if we can get together, it's always spur of the moment. Count me as another person who doesn't like hanging out during the week because of work. I also like to have my weekends to relax so it's sort of a catch-22 on the weekends. Most of my friends I have now I have met through my sorority alumnae group, or, are the wives and girlfriends of my fiance's friends.

[capella]

Meetup.com does work sometimes, too. I've not had a lot of luck, but sometimes you can find decent people. I just found a group of ladies who live in my town who seem pretty cool so that's promising. Other than that I've got a few people here and there, but no real "group" per se. I also like to chill on weekends, but I try to have something social to do at least once or twice a month. It's also hard to find people who are at the same stage of life as you so that you have experiences and issues in common. Most single people don't want to hang out with married folks. And I think that a lot of singles think us married folks just want to be with our SO's 24/7. Not all of us do. ;)

[winneythepooh7]

Another thing I forgot to mention is sometimes it's good to just "force yourself out". I've found that many times, even if I initially didn't feel like going out with people, if I pushed myself to do so, I went out and had a great time. Otherwise I'd probably just be sitting at home wasting away time on the internet or something ;). I think it's okay to have acquaintances to hang out with......I think it's just going out and being social that is really important. We are not going to be "best friends" with everyone we hang out with, and that is okay too. In fact, I think it's pretty normal. I also second the mention that not everyone who has a SO is looking to hang out with couples constantly, or have their SO by their side 24/7.

[capella]

Another thing I forgot to mention is sometimes it's good to just "force yourself out". I've found that many times, even if I initially didn't feel like going out with people, if I pushed myself to do so, I went out and had a great time. Otherwise I'd probably just be sitting at home wasting away time on the internet or something ;).
Exactly. I feel like that too. I have such a limited amount of time after work, keeping up with house chores, and now grad school, that I am a lot pickier about my time and how I spend it. Sometimes I am fighting internally because while I do want to socialize, I also want to have some down time. I'm not one of those who gets energized by other people. I am so very much an introvert that I find I need the recharge time after going out. I know that sounds strange, but I will shy away from going out if I know I won't have enough down time to get ready for the week ahead or something. (Does that sound weird? Meh.)

[winneythepooh7]

Exactly. I feel like that too. I have such a limited amount of time after work, keeping up with house chores, and now grad school, that I am a lot pickier about my time and how I spend it. Sometimes I am fighting internally because while I do want to socialize, I also want to have some down time. I'm not one of those who gets energized by other people. I am so very much an introvert that I find I need the recharge time after going out. I know that sounds strange, but I will shy away from going out if I know I won't have enough down time to get ready for the week ahead or something. (Does that sound weird? Meh.)

No, I'm the same way. If it's something fun, I don't feel like it's a waste of my precious free time. I live right by the beach, rarely have time to go during the week, so value my weekends to go do that. This weekend has already been shot to sh** already though. I spent all day yesterday at a wedding for people I've only met one time. Today I am going to a bridal shower. That's not as bad, because at least I am friends with everyone who will be there. I much prefer doing outside, low-cost activities with other people as well. I tried to organize a beach day a couple weekends ago and only one of my friend's came out to me, which is another thing that bugs me. A lot of my "acquaintances" live on the island of Manhattan, and will never venture off of it. It's a trek and a hassle for me as well to have to go an hour each way (or more if there's a subway ride involved) to hang out with them for dinner or drinks at an expensive lounge. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one ever making this compromise, which is why I stop doing it sometimes.

[capella]

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one ever making this compromise, which is why I stop doing it sometimes.
That is exactly why I stopped hanging out with a lot of people last year. After I didn't work down there anymore it REALLY became a hassle and I just wanted to make friends closer to where I live. None of them were willing to come to my area because 1) there is less to do here so it's really let's chill at so-and-so's house 2) they all live down there and are close to one another and other things to do so they'd never want to return the trip for me. I got sick of being the only one to compromise my time and travel. :rolleyes: Problem was that MOST of my social circle lives in and around downtown Orlando so I chose a few people that I really liked to hang out with still and just dropped out of contact with the rest. The last time I saw a lot of those girls was last summer at one girl's wedding.

[shorty]

Some of it is because when I was growing up I never really made a lot of close friends.

I think this is part of my problem. I don't feel like I've ever had ANY close friends. Really, when I think back on it, the last time I feel like I even really had a decent friend was back in elementary school... and even then, it wasn't anything really close (it was only elementary school anyway).

So not only am I lonely because I currently don't really have any friends (or even acquaintances to hang out with), but I don't even feel like I had a childhood with friends to look back on.

I kinda think I missed out on a lot because of that. Not only hanging out with friends and developing memories, but I think I missed out on a lot of stuff like developing social skills. Not that I'm a complete weirdo or anything. But sometimes I have a hard time talking to people. I do fine when I first meet people or when it's small talk. But when it comes to getting closer and opening up or even talking about stupid, everyday shit, I'm horrible.

The other day, I went out with that "friend" and he even sarcastically commented on our great conversation (we were sitting at a restaurant eating and not really talking). I try to make conversation by asking questions, but sometimes it seems like I'm asking the same things over and over again (like I don't know what else to talk about).

Plus, as some of you guys pointed out, it's hard to make friends when you're trying to budget, save money, and think about your career and future. It seems like I either have to hang out with people who are just career-minded but don't go out or people who aren't as "responsible" (for lack of a better word) but who do like to go out. Where are the people who are reasonably responsible but like going out occassionally? It's not like you always have to spend a lot of money on going out either. There are things you can do without spending a lot of money.

And then there's the feeling of intruding when you try to start a friendship with someone who already has a group of friends. (And then the inevitable question about what I do with my own friends... which I don't have now.)

I guess I'm just frustrated about all of this. Sorry for ranting about it so much. I'm trying not to let it get me down so much. I'm trying to get out, even if it's on my own. It just sucks sometimes.

[mahlerssecond]

I fall in the same boat. I had very few close friends when I was in K-12. Most of my classmates would have been called acquantinces (I got along with most everybody) or just playmates. It didnt help matters that I also was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. When I started making friends (middle school) it seemed like I always would befriend someone who had a lot of problems. By that time though, most friendships people had were solidified and I was an outsider looking in. I went to a Community College and it seemed there that most people either came and went to class (didnt care about socializing and attending events) or maintained their high school friends. I feel like I missed out on something on socialization at this time in my life. I still feel akward around people our age.
Today I have one close friend, and many acquaintances (they all are five years or older than me). I think that many people our age dont want to befriend people older than us. I met a 75 year old retired mental health professional, and a 39 year old teacher (and others) through church whom I have a lot in common with. What I am saying is dont discount older people also.
Also, even at times if I dont feel like it, I try to get out and do at least one thing each weekend. As an example (Joffery Ballet gave a free performance in town on Friday, next Friday I am going to a monthly church get together, and the next weekend I am going to see Shakespeare's Macbeth. My weekdays are shot in the ass due to the fact I work nights, but I still try to go to Barnes and Noble, etc.

[shorty]

By that time though, most friendships people had were solidified and I was an outsider looking in.

I feel like I missed out on something on socialization at this time in my life. I still feel akward around people our age.

Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel -- like the outsider looking in and, no matter how hard I try to be friendly and talk to people, I only end up as maybe the acquaintance who they don't really hang out with. It doesn't help that I feel awkward because of all of it too.

I try not to discount older people. It's hard though. Especially since some of the things I want to do are things that younger people typically do, not older people (like go out to bars and party and stuff... things I didn't get much of a chance to do earlier in life). I know it's a generalization to say older people don't do those things, but I wish I could do some of those things with people my age too. But not all the time, because I also want to be responsible.

It's already hard enough trying to balance this whole "growing up" thing. It's even harder when you don't really have any friends to lean on in difficult times. And I'm not even close to my family, so I don't even have that. Basically, I just feel like I'm alone in all of this.

[beeblebrox]

I can relate. I've always had a few close friends. In college, I had two very close friends. One of them I'm not going to her wedding in a couple of months while the other who I haven't seen in 5 years but call and talk to a lot am in the wedding. Also, when I was in college, my junior year deciding housing for the next year, my friends who I was living with screwed me over and I made every effort to be friends with them, but it was very one sided. I lived alone my senior year.

In graduate school, I made friends with classmates and finally thought that I found a good friend until we were planning on moving in together and she showed her true colors. So, I got screwed again.

My pattern has been getting screwed by people that I thought were friends. I've become much more cautious (probably to my detriment) because I just don't want to get hurt time and time again. I would love to find a friend (girl) who I can talk to and relate to in the city. I put myself out there with knitting classes and have met cool people. I may be more active in Meetups to meet people and gain more and stronger friendships.

[Millenial]

I can totally relate to this issue. I went through a bad breakup with my ex that I lived with earlier this year, lost most of my friends (were mainly hers) and moved back home recently. All my friends are elsewhere and most of them are getting engaged/married. My only other friends were from my job which i hated and they are way more social (hang out with tons of ppl), whereas i prefer to have a few close friends.

I am currently in a relationship (long distance) with an old friend of mine and things have been going great until recently (on my end anyways). She has been going out with her friends (who are back for a limited time during the summer) and I've been kind of jealous that I haven't really gotten as much attention like before. I am gonna get to see her soon thankfully. Just lots of transition (i am getting ready for grad school, she just got two new part-time jobs and quit her old one)

it's just kind of hard to "make friends" in a small town when everyone moved on. plus i don't have money or the desire to drive long distances.

[vivo]

i'm a bit new to where I live. i like being alone but keep thinking i wish i had a few close friends a tight knit group would be nice. used to to doing well in the friends dept

[starrynight]

I think, as a woman, its much harder to go out by myself. I never go to a restaurant alone. I've only done it a couple times and I hated it! If I had reading material I would feel like people were saying "Yeah she's using that as a shield not to look bored." I think that because that is exactly what I would be using it for! lol A few times I wanted to see a guy I liked at a bar that he worked at, but nobody could come with me. I was so close to going by myself, but everyone says its not good for a woman to go to a bar alone and it's true. It just kinda looks sad and looking for trouble or desperate. So I think guys definately have it easier with regards to nightlife and going out alone. It's like I make friends, but many a time no one can hang out at the same time. Since I'm moving, I'll have to start all over again too.:rolleyes:

[shorty]

My only other friends were from my job which i hated and they are way more social (hang out with tons of ppl), whereas i prefer to have a few close friends.

Yeah, I find it hard to hang out sometimes too, because I usually like just hanging out with a few people or one-on-one. But it seems like people like hanging out in groups. Which I would be cool with... if I knew more people in the group or if the people in the group made me feel more welcome. But yet again, whenever I manage to hang out in a group, they usually already know each other and it's like I'm an outsider trying to get in (and no one seems to welcome me in).

I am currently in a relationship (long distance) with an old friend of mine and things have been going great until recently (on my end anyways). She has been going out with her friends (who are back for a limited time during the summer) and I've been kind of jealous that I haven't really gotten as much attention like before. I am gonna get to see her soon thankfully. Just lots of transition (i am getting ready for grad school, she just got two new part-time jobs and quit her old one)

I am the same way. The friend I mentioned before... one of the problems is that he's pretty much moving on. A lot of things are changing (for both of us), but for some reason, I keep feeling like I'm being left behind. It doesn't help that he's met a lot of other people to hang out with (through school), while I'm struggling to meet people (because I work full time, whereas he doesn't). He rarely invites me to hang out with them, and the one or two times he did, it was like the situation above and I just felt like the weirdo that no one even tried to talk to. :torn:

I think, as a woman, its much harder to go out by myself. I never go to a restaurant alone. I've only done it a couple times and I hated it! If I had reading material I would feel like people were saying "Yeah she's using that as a shield not to look bored." I think that because that is exactly what I would be using it for! lol A few times I wanted to see a guy I liked at a bar that he worked at, but nobody could come with me. I was so close to going by myself, but everyone says its not good for a woman to go to a bar alone and it's true. It just kinda looks sad and looking for trouble or desperate. So I think guys definately have it easier with regards to nightlife and going out alone. It's like I make friends, but many a time no one can hang out at the same time. Since I'm moving, I'll have to start all over again too.:rolleyes:

That's true! In a way, I think it's a little easier, because guys are more likely to approach a woman alone... but you know what they want in those cases (which is not always welcome). But it's really not safe to go out alone as a woman. There are times I feel the urge to say, "Screw it!" And just go out... but then I hear stories about rapes and stuff. If that happened, how could I (a petite woman) fight off some guy almost twice my size?

Plus going out alone does seem kinda sad. I'm trying to get over that. But there's only so much you can do on your own (especially if it has to be during the day since it's not safe at night alone for a woman). I don't mind doing the book thing, except I'm worried if I do that, no one will try to talk to me since I'll be "busy." I'd rather look bored and have someone talk to me (and potentially become a friend) than try to cover up my loneliness and not look welcoming to anyone who might want to talk to me.

Of course, no one really bothers talking to me anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. I wish I were better at making conversation with others. But like I said in one of my previous posts, I feel like I grew up lacking in that area (although I am trying to work on it).

[Millenial]

yeah i just am living back in my hometown and i don't really trust anyone around here, i used to have tons of friends here but most of them are low-lifes now.

my long distance lover is having a hard time and expressed doubts about the relationship during school (she is finishing undergrad me starting grad) and i just do not know how to handle the uncertainty. it has been like a total 180 recently, she seems a lot different. she is a really damn good friend of mine before we even dated and i would hate to have to end things. she feels like really pressured by me for some reason, personally i think it's just stress. we are going to see each other for three weeks, and i am really apprehensive about how it could turn out. but it could actually strengthen us by showing she is willing to commit more. in return i plan on backing off a little bit and focusing less on the relationship and more on our schooling.

i personally like need a lot of one on one attention when i am stressed, whereas a lot of my friends go out with friends. i think that is why i've been so upset, i haven't felt like i've gotten the attention, even tho i should be able to handle it alone i guess.

[beeblebrox]

So, this thread inspired me to get out there a little more and try to make friends. I signed up for some more meetups in the city. On Friday, I'm going to a meetup in my old neighborhood for a Pampering Chef party and later in the month I'm going to a lunch meetup group who meet downtown. So, I decided to try and just be more active.

[badabing]

beeblebrox, good for you. Being proactive about loneliness is the key out of it! Seriously, I recently stepped outside my comfort zone and met some new friends...so fulfilling!

[shorty]

Can you really meet people through those meetup groups? All the ones where I live either don't seem appealing to me (like the meetups for people who love pugs or for stay at home moms, etc) or no one seems to do anything in them (they don't seem to ever have meetings or really do anything).

One thing I have tried is meetin.org. I've gone to a couple of those things, but I've had the same experience of kind of feeling like the outsider (which is weird since most of them were probably outsiders in the group at one point). A few of the people there were polite, which is nice. I've tried being more social with them (which is kind of hard for me, especially being the new one in a group of 20+), but it's hard when it seems like they're just being polite in a sort of distant way. The good thing is that they seem to always have something going on. The bad thing is that sometimes it's hard for me to go because of work (and because I don't live in the city).

Are there any other groups that people know about? I was kind of thinking of joining some sort of fitness group, but it'd have to be very beginner level, since I'm not in great shape and have a horribly small lung capacity. I don't know if there's anything like that around here, but I hope so..

[Phenomenon]

Hey Shorty, I know how you feel, most of my friends and I drifted apart. I don't have many people to hang out with and it sucks when you need support or just want to go out and have a good time and forget about your troubles. I don't know what to do either, but I am opening to trying anything.

If you want to talk sometime pm me. At least you have people to talk to on the board.

[vivo]

what about movie meetups on meetups.com? i joined a couple buthaven't gone yet.

[beeblebrox]

My meetup on Friday went really well. I was nervous and didn't know anybody. I ended up really liking the group, had some great food, got some great Pampered Chef products and will go to a couple of meetups in a few weeks when I'm not so busy and my credit card isn't so drained.

[K100]

I feel the same way!! I just moved to this area for grad school about a year ago, and made some friends through classes, but they all live with their boyfriends. Mine just moved out of state for school so its really hard for me. Right now I'm just working and taking summer classes. My days off are hard though b/c I get lonely. I like to shop and go to the gym ... but it gets lonely sometimes.

pm me anytime

[swanksquirrel]

i'm a pretty lonely person, myself. it stinks. recently, it's like a social bomb exploded, and all i've been left with is my boyfriend and my cat (and my cat doesn't really count). usually i have at least 2 close friends, but after a few friends getting married, moving across the ocean, going extremist religious, going psycho, getting addicted to drugs, and graduating college, i'm left with nobody. but i live in a huge city. so cliched, right? for a while there, i felt like i needed to take a social time-out, after all that drama. now, i'm feeling like i want to get out there more, but i really have little clue how, since this real world just isn't like college one bit. has anyone out there gotten out of this loneliness? how'd you do it?