My mom called my life "stagnant"...

[ebruening]

I know I've posted quite a bit lately about family issues. Thanks to everyone for your advice and support.

Lately, my conversations with my mother have been especially difficult for me. Since I've had the week off from classes, my mother called to invite me to lunch today. I had to decline, since I have other lunch plans with one of my roommates. My mother and I started talking about my job, and when I realized that she had a different opinion about what I should be doing with my life, I asked that we change the subject.

She kept talking about how I should teach ESL overseas, since I'm getting my ESL certification. I didn't say much, because I didn't want to give her more of an opportunity to talk about what she thinks I should be doing with my life. I did tell her that I'm past the point in my life where teaching in another country appeals to me; I prefer to work in the U.S. these days. She said that I'm restricting myself to a "stagnant" life, and also told me that I could be doing "so much more" with my life. At that, I told her that I'd talk to her later, because I didn't want to be belittled anymore.

It makes me sad that my parents aren't proud of what I'm doing. Yes, I live in my hometown. No, I don't have a particularly high-paying job. I also am not married, I don't own a house, or have any kids. Just because several of their friends' children, or former high school classmates of mine, have those things doesn't mean that I should feel badly because I don't.

When I went over to my parents' house for a Fourth of July barbecue, I talked to one of their friends about my graduate program. He has an Ed.D., and used to teach in my graduate program, so I thought he'd be supportive of what I'm doing. Instead, he said, "doesn't that program hand out degrees to anyone after a month or two?" He didn't mean that comment as a joke, either. That comment really stung. Honestly, my roommates and extended family are more supportive of what I'm doing than my own parents and sister are.

I feel like I'm constantly having to justify to my parents and sister why I still live in my hometown, why I'm not a full time graduate student getting my Ph.D. in English literature, why I don't own a house, and why I'm not married. I am very frustrated and hurt, and I'm thinking it has gotten to the point where I need to stop talking to them for a long period of time. I can't ever seem to do that, though, and I've tried to explain my frustration to them calmly and rationally. However, they always come back with the response, "we just want you to be happy." I've told them that I am happy, but they truly believe that I'm lying to them about that.

I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do. I don't want to cut off contact with my parents - or my sister - but any time I talk to my parents or sister, I end up feeling unhappy with my life. Otherwise, I'm a pretty happy, satisfied person. I love my parents and sister, but it seems like I feel bad about my life every time I talk to them. The worst part about it is that I know I shouldn't feel bad about my life. All things being equal, I don't have much to feel bad about. Apparently, telling them how I feel about their comments doesn't improve the situation.

If you were in my position, what would you do? Is there any advice you could give me, about how I could handle this situation? Thanks for reading, and thanks for your help.

[wordsmith]

When I was nearing graduation from college, my dad had his heart set on the idea of me launching straight into getting my PhD in my content area (also English). I wasn't up to it, was easing out of a very tough phase of life, emotional/mental health-wise, bad period of depression/anxiety. I honestly wasn't into it at all, ever, because I'd considered it, and been told by various professors I'd be a good candidate...and in talking to different advisors and investigating, was ultimately steered away from it by tales of the darker side of academic life, particularly in a flooded content area. I didn't tell my dad that I'd basically moved on from the idea, it just seemed easier to leave it at, "I'm not up for it now, I'm doing this volunteer corps, instead, and we'll assess where I am when I'm done with my year in that," and put him off that way. His comeback was that he feared if I didn't strike while the iron was hot, I'd lose my momentum and wouldn't want to go back (little did he know, the desire just wasn't there).

Essentially, the deal was, I believe, that he wanted me to do something that HE thought would have been pretty cool for HIMSELF, that he didn't want me to miss opportunities that he, in hindsight, wished he himself had taken. He has kind of a bad habit of wanting his kids to take advantage of stuff he either didn't or couldn't, and it sometimes reaches beyond being the encouraging parent to pressuring somebody to do something because YOU think it's cool, rather than THEM thinking it's cool. But it's hard, because it really is tied up, to an extent, in "I want the best for my kids." But at some point, parents have to let their kids determine what they think is the best for themselves, and take their own aspirations out of the equation.

I don't know about your parents...do they have a lot of unfulfilled dreams they'd like to see come true in you? Is that a part of it at all? It's not really fair.

And it is important that your parents be proud of you...but if they seem incapable of it, and you're happy with what you're doing, there comes a point where you really have to continually remind yourself that the problem and shortcoming is with them, not with you. If you're doing what you need to do to be happy, and your parents can't muster up the ability to be supportive of your choices and happy for you, they are the ones failing. They are the disappointments. Not you.

[ebruening]

Wordsmith - thanks for your response. In answer to your questions, I know my mom has talked quite a bit about always wanting to get an advanced degree. I think my parents have some romanticized notion of graduate school, and they definitely see advanced degrees in education as "not real degrees." They don't see attending graduate courses part time as being a "real" graduate student, so in their minds, I don't think they see my current graduate program as valid. I've told them that the program I'm attending is one I can afford, and one that should reap financial rewards in the near future. Many of their friends are doctors or lawyers, so I think they are only seeing graduate school from the perspective of their doctor/lawyer friends. Their educator friend inherited a sizable amount of money, I think, so I'm not really sure that he provides a realistic perspective on what one can expect to earn as an educator.

[caostotale]

Well, at least your parents seem to value graduate school in some way. I've been interested in going back to graduate school for years, but I have no support from home and no money whatsoever to afford it. My parents never went to grad school, so they don't seem to understand that it might be the only option for someone like myself who's completely failed in the work world and could use a more esoteric background to become a marketable human being. My father got incredibly lucky and somehow fell backwards into a career that spiraled him upward to where he is today (despite a shit degree and no background in the field whatsoever), but I feel like that kind of lotto victory doesn't happen, especially not these days.

Grad school would be a dream right now, considering how much of a bloody waking nightmare life is as a seemingly worthless B.A. holder.

[wordsmith]

Wordsmith - thanks for your response. In answer to your questions, I know my mom has talked quite a bit about always wanting to get an advanced degree. I think my parents have some romanticized notion of graduate school, and they definitely see advanced degrees in education as "not real degrees." They don't see attending graduate courses part time as being a "real" graduate student, so in their minds, I don't think they see my current graduate program as valid. I've told them that the program I'm attending is one I can afford, and one that should reap financial rewards in the near future. Many of their friends are doctors or lawyers, so I think they are only seeing graduate school from the perspective of their doctor/lawyer friends. Their educator friend inherited a sizable amount of money, I think, so I'm not really sure that he provides a realistic perspective on what one can expect to earn as an educator.

I'd advise your parents to research average salaries for collegiate level educators, as compared to those with MDs and JDs.

[cheshrcarol]

I think it's the nature of parents to have definite opinions on what their kids are doing with their lives. My mom, who in most respects is an extremely intelligent woman, but when it comes to my career has given the most moronic suggestions.

She's gotten it into her head that I should teach (I kind of don't like kids and have no desire to do the same thing year after year), should be a pharmacist (I never even took HS chem), should be a physical therapist (I dislike touching strangers) and a bunch of other whacked out ideas. My parents thought I was crazy when I had announced I had decided to grad school for human-computer interaction. Even after I told them, my mom kept coming up with new career ideas for me.

Well, I have to do what makes me happy, not them. And I made the right decision. I love what I do now, it's all but a done deal that I'll be offered a full time position here, and I make an incredible living at it (or will, if my intern salary is any indication). I think my parents are finally realizing that I didn't make a stupid move and that's great, but even if they didn't I still couldn't have become a teacher just because it's what my mom always wanted to do.

You have to be happy with your choices. Parental approval is just the icing and I think if they see you really enjoying what you do, they'll be happy for you.

[crystal_dance]

I know I've posted quite a bit lately about family issues. Thanks to everyone for your advice and support.

Lately, my conversations with my mother have been especially difficult for me. Since I've had the week off from classes, my mother called to invite me to lunch today. I had to decline, since I have other lunch plans with one of my roommates. My mother and I started talking about my job, and when I realized that she had a different opinion about what I should be doing with my life, I asked that we change the subject.

She kept talking about how I should teach ESL overseas, since I'm getting my ESL certification. I didn't say much, because I didn't want to give her more of an opportunity to talk about what she thinks I should be doing with my life. I did tell her that I'm past the point in my life where teaching in another country appeals to me; I prefer to work in the U.S. these days. She said that I'm restricting myself to a "stagnant" life, and also told me that I could be doing "so much more" with my life. At that, I told her that I'd talk to her later, because I didn't want to be belittled anymore.

It makes me sad that my parents aren't proud of what I'm doing. Yes, I live in my hometown. No, I don't have a particularly high-paying job. I also am not married, I don't own a house, or have any kids. Just because several of their friends' children, or former high school classmates of mine, have those things doesn't mean that I should feel badly because I don't.

When I went over to my parents' house for a Fourth of July barbecue, I talked to one of their friends about my graduate program. He has an Ed.D., and used to teach in my graduate program, so I thought he'd be supportive of what I'm doing. Instead, he said, "doesn't that program hand out degrees to anyone after a month or two?" He didn't mean that comment as a joke, either. That comment really stung. Honestly, my roommates and extended family are more supportive of what I'm doing than my own parents and sister are.

I feel like I'm constantly having to justify to my parents and sister why I still live in my hometown, why I'm not a full time graduate student getting my Ph.D. in English literature, why I don't own a house, and why I'm not married. I am very frustrated and hurt, and I'm thinking it has gotten to the point where I need to stop talking to them for a long period of time. I can't ever seem to do that, though, and I've tried to explain my frustration to them calmly and rationally. However, they always come back with the response, "we just want you to be happy." I've told them that I am happy, but they truly believe that I'm lying to them about that.

I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do. I don't want to cut off contact with my parents - or my sister - but any time I talk to my parents or sister, I end up feeling unhappy with my life. Otherwise, I'm a pretty happy, satisfied person. I love my parents and sister, but it seems like I feel bad about my life every time I talk to them. The worst part about it is that I know I shouldn't feel bad about my life. All things being equal, I don't have much to feel bad about. Apparently, telling them how I feel about their comments doesn't improve the situation.

If you were in my position, what would you do? Is there any advice you could give me, about how I could handle this situation? Thanks for reading, and thanks for your help.

Hi, I can understand where you're coming from because I went through a similar phase in my relationship with my parents. In my family education was always a super big deal and going to graduate school was just assumed.

My parents made sure they were deeply involved in my life which is a good thing provided they know where to draw the line. "We're your parents and we know what's best for you" grows old pretty soon. As a kid I was always pushed to do well academically as well as in sports. It burnt me out after a point where I could no longer be a normal kid again and just play " no pressure" instead of being yelled at during the drive home for missing that goal or lacking that "killer instinct" (I was 11).

Same went for academics. I was always expected to ace math and science at school since my parents just assumed that I would go onto become an engineer or a doctor. I however, was always interested in language, business and theater. When college admission time rolled around, I was under intense pressure to take up engineering because there's a "future" in it meaning lots of $$$. Eventually, being the 17 year old that I am I caved in and joined a computer science program.

I hated CS, but I did it grudgingly because my dad told me that I didn't know what I was talking about and that I would thank him later. I hated my 4 years in college and I never did well because I totally disliked what I was studying. During this period I fought constantly with my parents and never ever got along with my dad. When I graduated from school, I was totally disillusioned with what I wanted to do with my life and took a job which I hated while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. All the while, I was really unhappy with my dad's insistence that I do engineering. It pissed me off even more when my dad made my younger brother go down the same route when he saw how miserable I was. At that point I was 22 and I said enough is enough.

I told my parents that I am leaving engineering and that I'm gonna do what I want to do because the last 6 years of my life had been total misery. My dad is a major worrier and while he accepted that I was going my own way, he didn't like it.

Anyway, it's been 4 years since I finished college. I just got my masters in technology management so it's sort of a shift from engineering. I've still got a long way to go before I'll be where I want to be. In the meantime, I'm just going to keep plugging at things and doing my best.

I am definitely much happier now than I was a few years ago, and through alot of hard work I managed to land a very good job that I actually enjoy. My dad finally realized this and today I get all the praise about doing them proud, etc. While my relationship with my parents has improved greatly, I feel sad about how they put so much pressure on me growing up, so that I'll do things their way.

As a side note - I don't think I've really interacted with you on this msg board, but I have read your posts for a while and I think you're a really sweet person. If you're happy where you are in life, there's really no reason why anyone should tell you otherwise. Keep doing what you love and don't listen to people who belittle you. It suck the most when it comes from your family - I should know, but just believe in yourself.

Good luck and keep us posted :)

[wordsmith]

I honestly feel terribly for those people who had their degree programs/courses of study dictated to them...and I know quite a few of them. My dad might have wished I would get a PhD in English, but that's a far cry from choosing my major for me (plus, he didn't pay for it, so he'd have had no leg to stand on, anyway, had he been of that mind...it's not like he could have cut off the funds for it or anything). I wouldn't even have begun to know how to handle something of that nature. I'm pretty lucky...my parents have wish lists for what they hope for for their kids, but they're really pretty realistic about the fact that, ultimately, it's not their lives.

[crystal_dance]

I honestly feel terribly for those people who had their degree programs/courses of study dictated to them...and I know quite a few of them. My dad might have wished I would get a PhD in English, but that's a far cry from choosing my major for me (plus, he didn't pay for it, so he'd have had no leg to stand on, anyway, had he been of that mind...it's not like he could have cut off the funds for it or anything). I wouldn't even have begun to know how to handle something of that nature. I'm pretty lucky...my parents have wish lists for what they hope for for their kids, but they're really pretty realistic about the fact that, ultimately, it's not their lives.

I remember you mentioning a long time ago that your dad left law school because he wasn't that into it. I think experiences like that help shape parents' opinions and views on education.

[wordsmith]

I remember you mentioning a long time ago that your dad left law school because he wasn't that into it. I think experiences like that help shape parents' opinions and views on education.

And because he was pushed into it by a dad whose approval he wanted to gain. Which is DEFINITELY a shaping factor in how NOT to treat your kids.

[ebruening]

As a side note - I don't think I've really interacted with you on this msg board, but I have read your posts for a while and I think you're a really sweet person. If you're happy where you are in life, there's really no reason why anyone should tell you otherwise. Keep doing what you love and don't listen to people who belittle you. It suck the most when it comes from your family - I should know, but just believe in yourself.

Good luck and keep us posted :)

Thanks :) My parents didn't choose my college major, but they were certainly upset when I left the biochemistry program. (Yeah, as someone who wanted to die during Organic Chem I, I figured that I had no future in the hard sciences.) It's great to hear that you forged your own path, and that you're happy with it.

Cheshrcarol - I'm glad to hear your program is going well, and that you're happy with your internship.

[ebruening]

I'd advise your parents to research average salaries for collegiate level educators, as compared to those with MDs and JDs.

My alma mater is currently advertising for adjunct positions in the communication department. They posted salaries - the requirements being an M.A. degree - and the monthly salary is actually less than what I'm currently making teaching high school. I forwarded the information to my mom. We'll see what she says.

[shorty]

I had/have the same problem with my parents. It was one reason why it was so hard for me to change careers (because I knew what they'd think). But it's your life and you need to do what makes you happy.

I don't understand why some people keep trying to push their ideas on you. I'm not that close to my parents, so I just don't talk to them about it that much. My dad still worries, but I think he realizes I'm carving my own path and I'm not just blindly choosing something else. So my dad has kinda eased up on me and is a bit more supportive (in his own quiet way). My mom is completely different, but my relationship with her has always been strained (and practically non-existent anyway). I just don't really talk to my mom about it. Whenever she starts bringing it up, I quickly tell her I don't want to talk about it.

I don't know how your parents are, but maybe if you could show them that you know what you're doing (or at least have a fuzzy plan), then they'll stop bothering you about it and be more supportive. Or try to get it in their head that everyone has their own path and what works for one person might not work for another. Maybe try to come up with an example using them. Maybe that'd help.

[winneythepooh7]

It sounds like you are pretty grounded and have a really good head on your shoulder's, Erika. My only thoughts are to kind of phase them out when they start on this tirade. I also have known people in similar parental situations to just vent their frustrations to a professional a couple times a month. This can be really helpful as well, speaking to an unbias party, and you often learn ways you can better cope with the parental units.

I have a friend who has a really crappy father. She just graduated with her MBA, is really high up in her company, just built a gorgeous house, etc. etc. and all her stupid-ass father can focus on is that he wants her to go to law school now. Then he constantly criticizes her. I've had to walk out of the room when he starts his rants, I can only imagine how much it sucks to be in her shoes.

[crystal_dance]

I have a friend who has a really crappy father. She just graduated with her MBA, is really high up in her company, just built a gorgeous house, etc. etc. and all her stupid-ass father can focus on is that he wants her to go to law school now. Then he constantly criticizes her. I've had to walk out of the room when he starts his rants, I can only imagine how much it sucks to be in her shoes.

wow, that's just stupid. who would do another gruelling 3 years of law after an mba?

[PenforPrez]

I've had the same problem with my father. He thinks I wasted my life because I won't teach. "It's only nine months a year, you get to wear nice clothes all day." Nothing about about the shitty pay or the insane bureaucracy, which is the biggest reason I DON'T want to teach.

It really hurt my father that I didn't want to go into his line of work: the sheet metal union. I love the union, I've been to the union hall, but it's not my type of work. I don't have the ability my father did with it. All he can talk about is the money: "You'd be making $30 an hour!" And I would. But I'd suck at it!

All my parents see or care about are dollar signs. And my father is 20 years older than the oldest Boomers. :rolleyes: At least my father hasn't asked my mother if I'm gay recently. :)

Paul

[ebruening]

Thanks for your advice and help, everyone. I've decided that I'm going to take a short-term break from my family. I sent my mom and dad an email explaining that I'm going to be really busy over the next three weeks, but also that hearing them constantly belittle my choices adds a lot of stress to my life. I told them that I needed the next few weeks to concentrate on my coursework, and that I'd be happy to talk with them after my courses are done, as long as they're ready to stop criticizing the choices I've made. I have three more weeks of graduate courses this summer, starting on Monday and continuing until the end of July. Focusing on my coursework will take up most of my time anyway over the next few weeks, and I don't want the added stress of feeling bad about choices that I know are right for me.

I don't really know that talking to my family about how I feel will do much good. I've tried talking to them about it before, as calmly and rationally as I could. It didn't change their stance whatsoever. I'll finish up my July courses, and then I'll try contacting my family and renewing our relationship. Maybe a short break will help them understand my feelings on the situation.

[pisces2473]

Good luck Erika, I hope it helps!

[winneythepooh7]

One thing I've learned is that changing the way certain family members are, and the way they think and act can be damned near impossible. What we can change are our personal reactions to and the way we deal with them. I think it's good that you are taking a break from them for a bit.

[Rusalka]

Hi Erika. I've been following your posts lately, and it sounds like you are dealing with things pretty well already. I just wanted to say that I know it's not always easy to stand up to parents. Parents do want the best for their kids, but some just have an "interesting" way of showing it :rolleyes: Best of luck!

The pressure on me to do well at school has always been exerted on me in a more subtle way, rather than overtly. When I was younger, my mother lived vicariously through me. Since she didn't do well at school, she taught me to read when I was very young and encouraged me to achieve as much as possible, and wasn't very accepting if I didn't. Her attitude was that her child's successes in school made HER look good, and I was something she could show off about because I was like an extension of her. She didn't seem to realise how controlling her behaviour was. I found it all hard to deal with for a while, but things are going ok now. On the other hand, my mother has never been that pushy about getting me to choose a career / go to college etc., for which I'm thankful.

[ebruening]

I haven't communicated with my family for about 9 days. So far, it has been going well. I've been happier, less stressed about life outside of grad school, and more focused on my coursework.

[Rusalka]

I haven't communicated with my family for about 9 days. So far, it has been going well. I've been happier, less stressed about life outside of grad school, and more focused on my coursework.

That's really good news. It sounds like you have set a boundary that you needed to set, and that it's working out well.

How often would you normally speak to / see your family? Do you need to impose this kind of limit more often? I personally find that speaking to mine every couple of weeks, and sending some SMSs and emails in between, works for me. As a general rule, I don't find it healthy to spend a lot of time with people who have a depressive effect on me, even though they ARE my well-meaning family.