Decompress the QLC emotional storage tanks!

[jamwithash]

Hello. This is my first post.

I have avoided writing on here for many months. Perhaps almost a year. Perhaps more than a year. I'm not entirely sure.

Am I in the middle of my quarter-life crisis? I don't know.

Today, I am writing because I was taken aside at work and told that my application had been dropped from the applicant queue while I was away for two weeks because they redefined the requirements, and I don't meet 'em. I had been waiting to be interviewed for this job for two months.

I don't know what all I should say about it. I'm sure writing every detail about my situation would be too long, and may be considered whining.

I know my situation isn't terrible. My primary job allows me plenty of time to get anything of a personal nature done so long as it looks like desk work or can be accomplished in a one-hour-or-less errand. If I were to lose this job, I have a secondary job as an EMT, and could arrange my shifts such that I have plenty of 9-5 time to look for another job, because working as an EMT will not keep me afloat, just help me sink less quickly. I have savings, a rainy day account, and investments in financial reserves. I have a family that could support me if I needed to be supported (though as to whether or not they would is debatable).

I do, however, put a great deal of pressure on myself against testing my financial position. There is no reason I need to leave my primary job without having a better job already lined up, other than I harbor a secret, intense, swelling hatred for it that was only kept at bay by the prospect of moving to a better position within the department. However, now that I'm not going to be interviewed for that job that hate and anger as nothing to do but wither and decompose into depression.

I wish I had made a back-up plan. Not an emergency back-up plan—as I've explained, I have my back-up job all set up—but a back-up plan to what I want to do for my primary job. Hell, I didn't even have much of a primary plan: I applied for the new job within the department because it was one of the first things I thought of doing when I initially considered several months ago how much I hate my current job, how it's not going to directly take me anywhere, and how much time I've wasted not doing what I really want to do.

What do I really want to do anyway? I used to know, a year and some months ago, just before I graduated college. I at least used to have an idea. Several ideas. Goals, even. One of those goals was to be an EMT, however at the time I didn't consider the fact that they can't afford to live in the areas that they serve. It was the easiest goal to accomplish, and it has turned out to be a terrible idea economically, though I am still hopeful that it will still be worthwhile morally and spiritually by enabling me to provide meaningful help to people. What if it was just a bad idea all-around? What if it turns out to be a meaningless accomplishment? What if my larger, grander ideas for what I want to do turn out to be just as meaningless and wasteful? Can everything in life be interpreted that way from some perspective?

My grandparents offered to pay for sessions with a career counselor. I am going to take them up on that. But I don't feel as though I have a proper outlet for the feelings associated with all these things: the loneliness I feel at work, because no one cares about how well I do my job; the isolation I feel at home, because I can't seem to find anyone I really identify with; the helplessness I feel when bills I can't not pay go up; the uncertainty I feel about everything, my living situation and relationships in addition to my job; the anger I feel towards myself when I feel I'm wasting time doing unproductive and enjoyable, or something I did because I thought it would be productive but it wasn't, and if I had just thought about it enough ahead of time I would have surely realized that.

I could use some words of encouragement, suggestions, or stories of similar experiences, please.

[and1grad]

First of all, welcome to the boards. You definitely sound like you're in full blown QLC mode. A lot of, if not all of, the questions you ask are ones that we've all asked ourselves at some point. I think its important to tackle one issue at a time. Maybe start with smaller goals to help build your confidence. Maybe some activity you've been meaning to do but have never really gotten around to. Dont let things you havent done yet overshadow what you have accomplished.

Sorry about the job situation. Rather than decompose into depression, try to focus more on the things that drew you to that job in the first place. There had to be SOMETHING. Also, I can commiserate on the EMT thing. I got EMT certified and was disheartened to find out how little they make. You have to work OT to make any money in that field...and that comes with tenure.

Anyway, I think doing things, even some small hobby, to build up your confidence will help with the uncertainty.

[wordsmith]

Welcome to the boards, from a fellow midwesterner, and thanks for such a well-considered, and written post! I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

[WorkInProgress]

Welcome! Unfortunately, I don't have any better advice than, "keep on keeping on and try not to dwell on this setback." Maybe keep trying find something you like better as your primary job.

[jamwithash]

Anyway, I think doing things, even some small hobby, to build up your confidence will help with the uncertainty.

My hobby used to be karate. I say "used to be" not because I don't do it anymore (just very infrequently) but because I used to enjoy going to karate classes. I still enjoy karate, though I haven't developed very good habits for training on my own mostly due to lack of proper space, but I don't like the class available to me. It takes about an hour to drive out to, it's got many more people in a class than I'm used to, I don't get as much attention from the sensei as I would like, none of the other students live in my area so we could practice on our own, and when I go I rarely feel as if I've learned anything. In class we just practice the basic techniques and kata that I should be practicing every day. Sometimes I learn new moves from the kata I am working on. There's no vigorous workout, there's no being shown crazy little techniques that blow my mind. There's not even a makiwara that I enjoy hitting, just this stupid one that moves way too much.

Other than karate, I'm not sure what else I do that qualifies as a hobby. I'm certainly not doing anything else that's an organized activity. I am inclined some nights to just sit at my computer and install a new program, or fix something that broke, or just play some games for an hour or so. I have tried getting back into working out, but I can't afford a gym membership, and I can't even find big resistance bands with which to work out at home. I have maintained a mostly regular habit of running every other day.

But all these activities are solitary. I'm not doing anything where I can make friends. But more importantly, there's nothing I'm doing which I can be proud of. I have been thinking about it, and I believe that is my biggest problem. I used to really like who I was my last year of college. I was proud of my relationship with my girlfriend. I was proud of my academic accomplishments. I was proud of the house I lived in, the room I had, and the people who lived there. I was proud of that whole year. Now? I am not proud of my job, I'm not proud of my apartment, I am not proud of my physique, I am not proud of my life. It's not exactly a lack of confidence. In fact, it's because I am confident that I could do better that I am ashamed that I'm not.

[wordsmith]

I hear you on the "not all that proud" thing, in some ways.

For me, I think that it's in part a matter of the post-schooling world not having as many or as frequent of benchmarks for success as academia does.

I've won some awards for my field, and that's cool, and I'm actually pretty proud of the value of the work that I do, but it seems like there aren't as many concrete established goals to work toward, anymore. And I guess I've just never been the best person in the world in terms of setting my own challenges...I've always just gone after the ones presented by others. I feel sometimes like if I set the bar for myself, it's somehow less meaningful. I think I've always just relied on external motivation over internal, and consequently, I don't push MYSELF that much, but rely on being pushed by others. In the adult world, you pretty much have to push yourself.

[jamwithash]

For me, I think that it's in part a matter of the post-schooling world not having as many or as frequent of benchmarks for success as academia does.

My step-grandmother, who recently retired from a public relations firm specializing in non-profit organizations, told me about an article she read about how the people entering the workforce today were brought up being tested and being given feedback constantly—it makes sense when you consider just how many standardized tests we took in high school compared to our parents—and as a result, companies are finding that their younger employees become very unmotivated without the same level of feedback they had in school. Some companies have gone so far as to hand out awards daily to people who simply did their jobs correctly.

At my job, the only feedback I've had is when I've really screwed up. Otherwise, spending all day working diligently and spending all day writing on forums gets the same amount of feedback.

And I guess I've just never been the best person in the world in terms of setting my own challenges...I've always just gone after the ones presented by others. I feel sometimes like if I set the bar for myself, it's somehow less meaningful. I think I've always just relied on external motivation over internal, and consequently, I don't push MYSELF that much, but rely on being pushed by others. In the adult world, you pretty much have to push yourself.

I'm good at working towards my own standards and facing my own challenges, except when my standards are unrealistically high. Then I pretty much don't do any work toward the standard until I know I have the time and energy to meet it.

[wordsmith]

Yep, I get virtually no feedback whatsoever from my employer, on anything. Partially, it's because my boss isn't really into feedback - he doesn't even do it at reviews, and often, he skips my annual review and those of my coworkers entirely. I should have had one earlier this month, didn't happen. Partially, it's because I work in newspapers, and feedback, when you're a writer, comes primarily from your audience, not your boss. And any feedback you do get is guaranteed to be critical 95% of the time, complimentary 5%. Readers won't often tell you when they enjoyed a piece, if they pick up the phone, it's to chew you out for something.