Making Friends is no Easier at 24

[lovesoon1207]

Warning...I know that this is long but this sums up all feelings with this issue I've been having.Thanks for any input or feedback.

I seem to have a lot of strikes against me for me to form some friendships.Number 1,I seem to live in the wrong area. I live in a highly densely populated senior citizen area.I also live in an area in which I am in the economic minority.People around here drive around in mercedes and bmws.It used to be mostly middle class.Now it's an upper class area.I feel like I am so desperate for friendships.I hang out a lot with my boyfriend because he's the only one I know in my town.

I never learned the social skills such as making friends.There are times that I feel lonely because I don't have a close network of friends nearby.Sometimes I miss the company of a girl to talk about girl stuff with or to do girl things with such as go shopping or something.My boyfriend's pretty good because I'll drag him to go shopping with me sometimes and he doesn't complain.But at those times,I do miss the presence of a girl telling me what does or doesn't look good or something.

I would like to meet new people but at the same time I'm afraid because those social skills were never developed in me when I was younger.I was kept from socializing as a child.I had a tough childhood and my parents never encouraged me to have friends.I think it's harder to learn how to make friends now that I'm older.

Plus,making friends is different from how it used to be.You used to be able to meet people in the places that you go too often.It was more acceptable to be able start a conversation with someone sitting next to you at a bar.Now everyone goes out with a group and they keep to their group.It's harder to start random conversations with people.Plus,everyone's got a cell phone to their ear.How are you supposed to get to know someone if you're always connected to a cell phone?Unathletic me was thinking about getting a gym membership just so that I could meet people.But when I go past gyms I see everyone's staring at a screen or connected to an ipod.

A guy that I was chatting with said he meets people through myspace or facebook.Just leave a whole bunch of people messages and maybe a few will respond.But how do you do that?I guess just by browsing through profiles and seeing who has a common interest but what do I write so that they don't think I'm weird for messaging them.I feel weird too because nobody has ever randomly left me a message asking to know more about me.This online making friends thing is hard for me to do.Then,I'm afraid of the awkwardness of what happens when you do happen to make friends with someone and then decide to meet for the first time.How does that work?In college,you had your classes as a common bond.But this is hard to try to develop friendships from nothing.

I'm looking for good quality friendships.No more crazies....someone that has their priorities straight.I'm also an intellectual sort of person and it's hard to find people like that.I think our society is dumbing down.Paris Hilton's jail conditions are news,instead of the war in Iraq.

I think that there are a few of us who fell through the cracks in the social net for whatever reason.

It's also hard for me to make friends with people because I grew very independent.I was left out of alot of the normal teenage experiences so I have a hard time relating to others and vice versa.

I don't know how people go about making friendships.It's not 2nd nature to me at all.

[shorty]

I think that there are a few of us who fell through the cracks in the social net for whatever reason.

It's also hard for me to make friends with people because I grew very independent.I was left out of alot of the normal teenage experiences so I have a hard time relating to others and vice versa.

I don't know how people go about making friendships.It's not 2nd nature to me at all.

I feel exactly the same way. I had a similar (lonely) childhood and strict parents who didn't want me hanging out with people (they were the type who'd rather have their children grow up isolated than risk them becoming immoral adults... as if that would even happen).

I wish I knew what to say. I'm beginning to think we need to start a group for people who had isolated/lonely childhoods and continue to have problems to make friends. It's not like we don't WANT to have friends. I'm pretty sure most of us are (or try to be) social and friendly. It's just that something's not working. :(

[wordsmith]

I'm beginning to think we need to start a group for people who had isolated/lonely childhoods and continue to have problems to make friends. It's not like we don't WANT to have friends. I'm pretty sure most of us are (or try to be) social and friendly. It's just that something's not working. :(

www.quirkyalone.net

[shorty]

www.quirkyalone.net

That's a pretty cool site, but it seems geared more toward romantic relationships and people who choose to be alone, rather than friendships and people who have had trouble making and maintaining friendships all their lives.

[lovesoon1207]

I feel exactly the same way. I had a similar (lonely) childhood and strict parents who didn't want me hanging out with people (they were the type who'd rather have their children grow up isolated than risk them becoming immoral adults... as if that would even happen).

I wish I knew what to say. I'm beginning to think we need to start a group for people who had isolated/lonely childhoods and continue to have problems to make friends. It's not like we don't WANT to have friends. I'm pretty sure most of us are (or try to be) social and friendly. It's just that something's not working. :(

Shorty,everything you wrote I agreed with 100%.Yeah,I wish a group like that existed as well.I don't know where to look for something like that.I don't have the typical interests that a person my age has like going to bars or clubs.I've tried them but I don't feel like I belong.I somehow feel older than my age.I don't know how else to explain it.And you're right,it's not like we don't want to have friends.It doesn't come easy.But I'm learning how to put myself out there.

Thanks for sharing.I'm glad that I was able to find someone else who has felt the same way I have.

Anyways,nice to meet you.

[mahlerssecond]

Making friends unfortuantely in something this is not going to happen overnight. I have been in the same boat. For me it is that friendships have "clicked" with somebody.
I think you need to find your niche and go with it. Get involved with church, volunteering, athlectics, a Meetup group, hobby group, etc. Any place you will be around other people who share same interests. I also think you need to find events that interest you in the local community. I attend a local Unitarian-Universalist Church (and have for the last 3 years) and always run into fellow UUs when I go to concerts, plays, lectures. We also volunteer together. I wouldnt call any of them close friends, but I feel like I can have pretty intimate conversations with many of them.
Lastly dont rule out the "older" populations as friends. I have interests that are different from many people, and have found a few senior citizens that share my interests. An example: a retired psychologist whom I go to church with that we both like to listen to classical and opera recordings and discuss them.

[shorty]

I know making friends is something that's not going to happen overnight. I think it'd be great if I could meet someone and we'd click and instantly become BFF... but I know that's not going to happen.

I guess my problem is that I don't know what I'm interested in. I seem to have random hobbies that I'm not incredibly passionate about. I've tried taking random dance classes since I'm kinda interested in that, but people seem to only be interested in going to class and then leaving. I might try that again though, but it's hard because I'm in horrible shape (it sucks because I'm "skinny" so people assume I'm in great shape but I'm not).

I'm not religious so the church thing is out. I've tried volunteering (and still kind of do that), and it's great and the people are friendly... but it doesn't seem like we're ever going to hang out afterward. That's something I can still pursue, but I don't know if that'll go anywhere.

I guess I shouldn't rule out "older" people either, but honestly, there are some things you can't do with "older" people. Sometimes I just want to go out and be goofy, but it wouldn't be the same with someone significantly older than me.

I understand that as we get older, people tend to have friendships for different aspects of their lives. I guess I still wish I could meet someone who could end up being a best friend I could do almost everything with. I know that's unrealistic and I'm open to friends who only share certain things with me. I guess it's also hard because I'm busy with work and everything so I don't always have the time necessary to build the foundation of these relationships, so maybe that's why they seem to fizzle before anything really happens.

Anyway, I'm really sorry if I sound like I'm making excuses. I know these are excuses. But I've tried all of those things and I'm still trying. It's just frustrating.

Is there anyone out there who really did not have any friends (ever) and somehow made it through all this? I can deal with being alone sometimes, but I don't want to live a life of complete solitude.

[shorty]

Sorry about my little rant, everyone. I know I posted about this before and it must be tiring to hear me talk about it and then complain about everyone's suggestions. I really do appreciate the help but it just seems like it's not working for some reason.

Anyway, I feel bad for complaining about this so much. :redface:

[ghostboy]

I try to

[shadeofgreen]

It does seem like people in their mid to late twenties either have established circles of friends or are getting hitched and having babies and buying houses and are in a completely different place in their lives than I am. I don't know, it seems like a lot of people my age who have active social lives still hang out with their friends from high school or college. Problem is, all my high school and college friends are scattered about the country. We keep in touch pretty well, but that's not the same as having someone to go grab a beer or catch a movie with.

I've made some acquaintances through work, but honestly, I don't think I've really connected with anyone (current boyfriend excluded) since college.

Right, so, as usual, no advice from me, because I'm mostly a trainwreck.

[lovesoon1207]

It does seem like people in their mid to late twenties either have established circles of friends or are getting hitched and having babies and buying houses and are in a completely different place in their lives than I am. I don't know, it seems like a lot of people my age who have active social lives still hang out with their friends from high school or college. Problem is, all my high school and college friends are scattered about the country. We keep in touch pretty well, but that's not the same as having someone to go grab a beer or catch a movie with.

I've made some acquaintances through work, but honestly, I don't think I've really connected with anyone (current boyfriend excluded) since college.

Right, so, as usual, no advice from me, because I'm mostly a trainwreck.

Yup....that's what I see too.It's tough when you don't have that already established group.I've had some success though.I've been keeping my instant messenger up at work and I got an IM today from someone that works in the same area as me so I'll see how that goes.I posted messages on myspace and one person got back to me.I'm posting more on here so hopefully I can make some online friends as well.:)

[iceman]

RE: http://forums.hipinion.com/viewtopic.php?t=184617

Jesus, I'm glad this forum's posts are a lot less vapid than that one's!

(No offense Ghostboy.)

[mahlerssecond]

My mental health professional gave me some good advice once : In order to make friends, you can't simply be a spectator, you have to participate in things.

[sasha83]

I started taking a piano class at a community college. I don't hang out with anyone outside class, but it's nice to get out of the apartment and do something else besides work. Friends would be a fringe benefit at this point.

[DCgirl]

Sorry about my little rant, everyone. I know I posted about this before and it must be tiring to hear me talk about it and then complain about everyone's suggestions. I really do appreciate the help but it just seems like it's not working for some reason.

Anyway, I feel bad for complaining about this so much. :redface:


Hey shorty,

I can relate to you and here is what I did to get my social life going after a good several months of solitude (due to a negative situation that I had to get over emotionally). I posted on my local craigslist about meeting for a happy hour after work. I posted about an hour before I left work so I knew the chances of many people replying were not too good. Luckily, 3 people replied back to my ad and we all met up. From that meeting, I've met 2 new acquentances for now. I call them acquantences because I do not use the word 'friend' so lightly like a lot of people do (fyi...I consider myself with only 3 friends that I trust completely and the rest of my life full of acquentences). However, these 2 acquentences and I have hung out several times since our 1st meeting a couple of months ago and things have been great. I definitely see these 2 people becoming my friends with time because we actually have things in common. From my personal experience, it's very rare to find 2 people that you actually click with from the get go. Now, I always have plans at least once a week night after work and almost always have plans during the weekends. Thanks to me being proactive and actually setting up this initial meeting, I have met other new people through these 2 acquantences. Like I said...it's rare and I'm still pleasently shocked that it worked out for me. It's given me confidence to meet more people by attending social events using Meetup as well as posting on CL.

My point is to put yourself out there. If nothing results, then keep on trying. I know it's hard (believe me...I KNOW for sure) to make friendships after college. It's very isolating no doubt. However, please realize that it's also COMMON and a lot of people feel isolated too. Also, making friends with older people is nice too. It's not like we are in high school anymore where our friends are roughly around our age. One of my dearest friends is in her late 40s...almost 20 years my senior. She has more engery than I do and always has her social calender filled with activities.

Anyway, as much as it sounds cliche....the truth is that you have to put yourself out there for people to see/meet you. Good luck!